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Doing more work than the bio mom

Tired_step_mom's picture

Glorified nanny is the word i see alot on here and i feel it! The bio mom does prettt much nothing, but i still will never been fully seen or appericated as a care giver by my partner, the kids or really society. She has the kids for 48 hours a week really. 

I need breaks from the kids they are 3 and 5 and i am in a really difficult Bachelors program at school. It is impossible to study with the kids here. Neither her or my partner understand that. I will have exams and she will change her mind about the date she promised to take the kids so i could study. 

She constantly sends the kids back to us dirty in shitty clothes. My SD is half black as i am (darker skinned cause her bio Dad is African and not my partner). She seems to think if she just ignores the fact that she is black she can just raise her like a white girl. She takes her to hair dressers that have to straighten her hair to cut it (a giant black hair no no) and does a half ass job of doing her hair even though i showed her how to do it. My SD is already having iasues and has said multiple things about not liking her skin colour and wishing she was white. Still her bio mom keeps trying to talk us into allowing her to send the kids to a country school where she will never see another black kid to feel like she isnt the only one, which she is in her current school and between the two households. 

My partner and i are the only ones cleaning ears and clipping toe nails. I feel like her nanny and i dont know how to handle these feelings anymore. Somedays i just spend the whole day avoiding the kids in my room cause i thought i was getting a longer break and surprise they are coming back to our house for another 5 days in a row cause she had them for 48 hours. 

Please is anyone esle dealing with being the primary mother figure without the benefit of respect?

Floral_SM's picture

Agreed. I used to care more than the BM and take it upon myself to make sure they were clean, looked after, ect.. and after all these years I still won't ever receive the recognition that I deserve from them. I now leave it up to DH and focus on my own. My stress levels have decreased immensely. 

IDontCare3117's picture

"My SD is half black as i am (darker skinned cause her bio Dad is African and not my partner)."

I'm confused.  Is your SO the kid's father?

Tired_step_mom's picture

The bio Dad is not in her life. My SO has been her Father since birth. Her BM and my SO are white, she is the only black person in both sides of the family. 

IDontCare3117's picture

If your SO didn't legally adopt the child, she has no reason to be in your home.  That's one.  Two, as Tog said, whatever children are in your home because of SO's invitation are HIS responsibility.  You don't become an automatic babysitter just because you are physically present.  What would they be doing to take care of kids if you weren't in the picture?  

tog redux's picture

I have the same question - SD is not your partner's bio kid?

Either way, it's not your job to care for his kids - he needs to do it, or find child care for the times when he isn't available to do it.

Survivingstephell's picture

Dump the kids on him and refuse to change your schedule.  You are going to need that degree so you can leave this set up. They are living in the moment and using you to keep their time free.  WTF!!!  No, just no.  

Tired_step_mom's picture

My SO and I live together. He doesnt dump them on me thankfully but im sure any parent will agree if you can hear kids you cant concentrate. So when they are here i cant really study even if i have headphones on. I just need a few days with them away to retain information. My SO loves his kids, rightfully so, so to him he wants them around all the time and i dont feel i can say anything about it as i knew before getting into the relationship. I love him and i do love the kida but i need breaks to love them if that makes sense. 

Survivingstephell's picture

Oh no you don't. You did not know what you were getting into.  Not truly and that myth gets busted here all the time.  Did he know what he was getting with you???  You are playing the long game getting a degree. They are looking for instant gratification using you for child care.  If he cared for you he would support your educational goals and do everything in  his power to keep his kids from interfering with you.   College is expensive.  Protect your investments, financial and in yourself.  


Winterglow's picture

You are not even a glorified nanny... Nannies get paid for what they do. Is there a library open near where you live where you can go and study? Your bf's kids are not youir problem nor your responsibility. Let him and his ex work out childcare like the adults and parents that they are. You have other things to do that are much more important for your future.

Tired_step_mom's picture

It wasnt so bad before the pandemic. I was able to study mostly at school but now school is online, school foe the kids ia online too. So they are home all the time.

Dogmom1321's picture

This child isn't even your SOs?! I admire your big heart, but this is BMs problem, not even your SO. He is not the BD, has no obligation or responsibility to this child. It's unfortunate the BD isn't in the picture, but BM needs to figure it out. Not y'all. 

Harry's picture

Your SO is the problem, He's the one causing all the problems.  He must do something like go somewhere for a few hours a day.  Time to rethink your relationship, that kid is not even his,  and he's putting you through this 

monkeyseedo's picture

Yikes!  Yes, you guys need to sit down and make other arrangements for when you are studying.  As to the ones that say the kid isn't his problem, there is something fundamentally wrong with you.  She said he's been there since BIRTH. He is dad.  I don't know who is on the birth certificate but for all intents and purposes he is DAD and even the court will likely see it this way.  So you all think he should just dump the 5yr old he's been a father to since BIRTH and maybe just deal with the 3 yrd old? I would personally think any man that behaved like that would be a man I wouldn't respect at all.  

Doesn't seem like hidden paternity/lying about it either, it seems he's been dad since birth he's likely been around since she was pregnant knowing he isn't dad.  He's dad.  She married him knowing he has two children, regardless of DNA-you don't just dump a kid after 5 years because new wife shouldn't be bothered. Man, the quality of people has seriously declined on this board because that is quite awful to be honest. 

And I KNOW how it feels-I had to put up with a SD from hell and wasn't even his.  Granted, in our case it was a lying about paternity, my DH didn't find out the truth until SD was around 8 yrs much as I resented it there was nothing I could do about it, he decided to stay dad and that was that.  

IDontCare3117's picture

1.  No, a court would not see the SO as dad if he hasn't legally adopted the child,

2.  OP isn't married to her SO.  She can walk at any time.  Regardless, kids from his former relationship aren't her responsibility.

Rags's picture

So... why exactly, would you day in and day out, choose to remain in indentured servitude to this nasty shallow and polluted gene pool?

You must value yourself as you would expect a true equity life partner to value you and notably upgrade your standards for a mate.

Quit volunteering to be their victim and stop willfully walking to the alter of SParental martyrdom day in and day out to your failed man, failed father, and failed husband and the product of his failed family.

You are the only one who can fix this.  There is nothing you can do to change your DH and his POS children or his nasty XW.

At the very least you must stay the hell away from home as you pursue your education, study, etc.....  Go to the campus library, or if you are in an on-line program go to the library of a local college or university, surround yourself with like minded and energized University students, and do not give another thought to the care of your Skids. That is your DH's responsibility and the responsibility of their mother.  If your mate is not stepping up, having your back, supporting your pursuit of your Bachelor's degree, and relieving you of every distraction so you can focus and complete your studies, he is not worthy of you.

When we married my DW was a college student. I had just completed my BS 5mos before. We made education a major priority and goal for both of us and a key success factor for our marriage.  Within 9 years of our marriage together we completed a BS (her dual major BS in Management and Accounting), two MBAs (one each), and a top tier professional certification (Her CPA), and a professional license (me).  I added a top tier professional certification of my own eventually.  

Our son (my SS) was raised while both of us were pursuing undergraduate and graduate degrees, etc....  I cared for SS while she was in class, studying, etc... and she did the same for me when I was in grad school.

You have to make this a hill to die on and you have to leave the home for class and studies, period putting care and oversight of your Skids on their actual parents.

Grow a pair, communicate clearly what you will do, then do it.  If your DH ever fails to be home in time for you to leave for class or studying, then drop his spawn off at his office on your way to school.  Or... find a drop in day care for your SKids and give them DH's mobile phone.

They will not value your goals if you don't value your goals.

Good luck and congratulations on school.  Keep in mind that no one will respect you if you do not demand that respect and tolerate nothing less.

hereiam's picture

Why do you assume his kids are of a "nasty, shallow, and polluted gene pool, and that they are POS children? Seriously, what is wrong with you?

You raised and adopted your wife's "nasty, shallow, and polluted gene pool, POS son". Ya know, the one you now call your son.

monkeyseedo's picture

I know right, they are 3-5 yr olds and nowhere did she say they were horrible.  They are kids being annoying kids in a covid locked up world.  Of course they aren't her responsibility but his automatic response about POS and failed former family and then advocating physically assaulting kids is SO old and tired.  I really wish he would stop this nonsense.   I've addressed a couple of his posts todays, I've 'known' Rags for years but it's getting extreme. Why are all skids automatically POS, a 'failed family' that should be discarded to start new, or shallow gene polluted or should be beaten?  

Why is it ok to always address the other side with such disdain and hate Rags?  They are little kids FFS> 

Rags's picture

I do not advocate abandoning family. I do advocate demanding respect from a mate and from children and I advocate applying consequences to make those things happen when all else leading to the crisis moment has failed.. For those who are at the end of their rope, I will recommend moving on in life.

However, most of those who take exception seem to be notably wallowing in the crap their blended family life perpetrates against them.

Most come here to vent and ask for suggestions on how to deal with the exegencies of their challenging blended family marriages and the ill behaved progeny of their partner's prior failed familes.  If these were not failed families, no one would be here venting and asking for suggestions.

I share what has worked for me in dealing with the toxic blended family opposition and in raising, in partnership with my wife, a man of character, honor, character, and performance, in spite of the challenges he has had to face due to his POS father and sadly POS half siblings all the victims of his harpy SpermGrandHag.  I read what is written and I apply root cause logic and recommend what is obvious to me to address the issue at hand.

I don't really care about why these toxic people/children do what they do. I care only that they do it, and that they stop.  Beyond that, they can wallow in the crap they choose.  But that choice should not damage others and it should not be tolerated when they make the mistake of propegrating their crap.

IMHO of course.

monkeyseedo's picture

I certainly don't wallow in the mess -we dealt with it, I never had to grab SD by the hair or ear no matter HOW much I wanted to lol.

I also have to ask you, why do you refer to them as 'failed families' a family can very well consist of just you and your spouse (no kids), you and your spouse and your together kids or just skids, a singel parent with their kids.....they had a failed marriage.  It seems odd to keep insisting his children are 'failed families'.  They can still have a family unit asides from the failed marriage.  It just seems in such horrible taste.  So my husband married me and my 'failed family'?  I never thought of him and SD as a failed family no matter how much hell she gave me.  He had a failed marriage, they weren't a 'failed family'.  They made mistakes as did I but many things make up a family.

Rags's picture

Nope. my kid was none of those things. His mother, nor I, would have allowed it.  Now my SS's Spermidiot and the entire SpermClan... absolutely.  Fortunately for my SS, his mother's quality genes, quality parenting, quality performance, and quality character were overwelmingly dominant.

Just read what OPs tend to write.  It is pretty obvious that for many of them, their SO and SKids are wallowing in a shallow and polluted gene pool.

IDontCare3117's picture

You twist yourself inside out trying to justify your own rhetoric which, by the way, is as tired as green shag carpet.  Calling children disgusting names, advocating extreme corporal punishment, and basically being an a$$hole bully is OLD.  

Rags's picture

You know that they say about opinions.  

Anyway, my kid is incredible, my wife is incredible, our marriage is indredible, we are happy, and have great friends and strong relationships with our families.  How it has worked out for us may not work for everyone. But... it has been extremely effective for us.  

I have no reason to "twist (myself) inside out trying to justify"  anything.  You may not like effective, whether the method is old and tired or not.  One person's old and tired is often tried and effective.  I don't call kids disgusting names, I use descriptive terms to describe their behavior. A well behaved, polite, respectful child is not a disgusting spawn, etc....  A respectful pleasant engaging adult is not a POS.

I would think that this would require no explanation.

But... maybe it does... for some.


IDontCare3117's picture

Okay, so I guess calling children "failed breeding experiments" or "crotch droppings" or any of the other disgusting terms you've used over the years is A-Okay fine.  Got it.  

You're a legend in your own mind.

Rags's picture

I am not allowed to use the phrase "crotch droppings" and haven't in a very long time.

Though it can be a very effective descriptive label for the ill behaved, ill parented spawn of crappy parents.

Failed family breeding experiemnts, can also be an applicable descriptor for the progeny of crappy parents who had no business procreating in the first place.

IMHO of course.

IDontCare3117's picture

Let's put it this way: if it's not a name you would call your own SS at any point in his life, don't use it to describe other children.