Does it ever get easier??
DH has a daughter (7yo) and son (6yo) from his previous marriage. I have a daughter (6yo) from a previous marriage. The kids were best friends, we were best friends, so when it evolved into more - great!...right?... wrong.
DH and I dated for 2 years before we got engaged, and everyone got along great. They moved in with us (my daughter and I), a year ago and in June we'll be married a year. I know, I know - we should have lived together longer before getting married, but because of the custody battle I was in for my daughter, the lawyer advised us to speed up the wedding, since they had already moved in. Anyway, things were great, but then SD7 started having "accidents". I use quotes because she tends to do it when she's angry, upset, or just being lazy. She's fully capable of using the toilet, but she got upset about BM bailing, so she pooped herself and just sat in it. If she was playing or watching TV, she'd just go in her pants and wouldn't even bother to get up. Apparently, it wasn't the first time either, but it was the first time I was experiencing it. But then, BM up and moved away...and didn't want to see the SKids much. Then the "accidents" became an every day thing, for SD7. So our house becomes a reward system, behavior chart system, etc. Anything to get her to try and make it to the toilet! And off to the therapist we go, because I'm not a professional, and SD7 needed someone to help her sort through her feelings. For the record, she got a clean bill of health from multiple doctors - this is 100% behavioral.
I'm a fixer and a cleaner. Accidents? no big deal! Let's just get you cleaned up and changed, and go about our day. I'd talk to DH about it, because she would sit in it and not say anything...can you say rash?! So he talked to her about it. But wait...did we just bring attention to the fact that I (step mom) doesn't like this? Ohh, well now that's a game changer.
Now let's cue in BM. She decides that after a few months of not seeing her kids, that she wants to be involved again. So she starts taking the kids for random weekends, and the "accidents" get worse. We're talking, SD7 refusing to use a toilet to pee or poo - like, at all. Oh, and sitting in it, lying about being clean, etc, etc. Oh boy, the lies! BM convinced SD7 that she should do anything in her power to piss me off. Lie to our faces, sure! Never use a toilet, sure! Drive a wedge between me and DH, sure! Lie to DH and BM about everything I am or I'm not doing, sure! Exclude my daughter out of everything because she's not your "real" sister, sure! Pee in SM's car every change you get, sure! SM wants you to get ready for school, just sit there! If she tells you to do something, just sit there and ignore her! Oh, make sure you lift your leg and sh*t while you're eating dinner too, just to piss SM off even more!
DH was on top of if at first. He wouldn't stand for the lies, lack of respect, or the lack of toilet usage. We tried everything we could think of to motivate her, and he still continues to have her see a therapist, but nothing is working. Out of the last 90 days, she's had 9 clean days (and that's being generous, because my DH falls for the "I spilled water on myself" or "it's an old stain" tricks). Now he's sort of given up. BM says she isn't having accidents there (even though SD6 rats them out) and it's been only gotten worse over the last 7 months, so DH just lets it go. I want to let it go, but let's be honest here - it smells, it's gross, and I don't want the other 2 kids to think her actions are ok. This is NOT something I can just ignore.
So that brings us to today. BM claims I'm neglecting SD7, because I don't braid her hair every day or dress her in nicer clothes. She ruins every once of clothing I buy for her. SD7 refuses to let me touch her to do her hair, and when she does, she tells everyone that I pull her hair. I'm literally to the point where I refuse to be alone with my 7 year old SD because I don't want to be accused of anything else. I don't want to be home, when she's home. Even when she's acting a little better, I can't let go of the anger or resentment. The more I try to talk to DH about it, the worse it gets, because he will say something to SD7 or BM, and it adds fuel to the fire. I know that she's only 7, and that this is abuse from her BM, but idk what to do anymore. The more I try to help, the more she blames me for. I feel like I'm a prisoner.
Does it ever get easier, or did I just end up in another marriage heading for ruin?
Well
id tell your husband to go get an apartment and stay there with the little carpet sh!tter because you’re tired of being accused of lies and your house smelling like a one star nursing home. If out the patient therapy is t helping, maybe the kid needs some intensive inpatient help so the doctors can see what triggering her and focus on that.
Also, until she stops the “accidents”, she can spend 10 minutes at the top of every hour sitting on the toilet. As soon as that clock strikes *:00, she stops what she’s doing and sits on the toilet with a book for some quality pooping time. If it doesn’t help then every half hour. Make this not fun for her to continue. “Oh sweetie! I’m just so worried that you’ll get sick, we have to make sure you’re going in the potty, ok? Daddy and I love you.”
We’ve tried it - she holds it
We’ve tried it - she holds it, and as soon as she pulls her pants up, goes. The one day it was 4 times before we left for school in the morning. 4 times!!
Put her in diapers 24/7.
Put her in diapers 24/7.
She likes them!! And buying
She likes them!! And buying ones that big are super expensive. We have her in poise pads these days, but DH won’t let her wear them to school. It’s a big secret, because he’s embarrassed.
Has SD been in individual
Has SD been in individual counseling? Have you tried family counseling?
A counselor could help SD work through the issues that are causing this behavior. A counselor can give you tools to help SD function.
We have her in with a child
We have her in with a child psychologist that specializes in different family dynamics. So far, nothing has helped or changed with her behavior, unless we’re talking about her getting worse. They just keep telling us it takes time and consistency... it’s been 6 months.
We’ve all gone and she’s had one on one time too.
I hate it when the bio parent throws stepparent under the
Bus by telling stepkid “stepmumms doesn’t like this” when he should be saying “i don’t like this!”. If skids hasn’t had a relationship with you, i doubt much will change by hubby telling her your stepmum doesn’t like it when you intentionally poop your pants
You need to make this
You need to make this completely DH's problem. not your monkey, not your circus. DH needs to handle all things SD. She sits on trash bags in your car. She doesn't sit on furniture.
I would have a verryyy hard
I would have a verryyy hard time with this. I don't know how you're doing it. No advice, but I feel for you!
Also, I love how YOU are "neglecting" SD for not braiding her hair or putting her in nicer clothes. As if this is all your responsibility, not your DH's. There's no winning with these high-conflict BM's- you're damned if you take care of them (you're not the mom, stop acting like it!), or if you try to stand back (you neglect them!). The whole thing is just exhausting and mind-boggling.
Time for the campaign of
Time for the campaign of public humiliation for this phantom crapper of a kid. Put her in a diaper, a clear liquid and odor containment diaper cover, and a T-shirt and some other piece of clothing that will clearly delineate that she is wearing a diaper. A big, fluffy, diaper with images of babies on it.. She can go out in public like that, go to school like that, etc.... Let her friends fix the problem. They will shred her for her baby crap.
At some point a manipulative kid has to be held accountable. So, let her piss and shit herself to health and happiness, sealed in a rubber diaper cover and let her deal with how her peers and the public reject that shitty behavior from her. Do not change her. Let her stew in her festering stank. She can use the facilities or she can get a case of butt ransh of monumental proportions. The pain that she will experience when she cleans up will make the point even better than the public humiliation she will experience. That level of butt rash is fire during clean up. Let her feel it. In fact, do not let her avoid it. Daddy puts her in the shower to wash every evening and she finishes that with sanitizing wipes. Sanitizing wipes on raw diaper rash will get her howling.
The goal being to hammer home the point that she uses the damned toilet rather than shitting and pissing herself. This kid uses her urinary and digestive track to punish people. Turn it around on her. When her butt and tender bits are flaming and burning ... she will get the point.
Good luck.
Time for DH either to fix the problem
Or move out with SD until all this nonsense stops. Your DH should be cleaning her up and getting her to school. It’s his responsibility. Or then ship her to BM if he can not handle it. You don’t need a mental sick kid, I am afraid this is the first of many problems with this child. This whole situation going to be life long. This kid has two parents, you are not one of them
WOW
This is like the 3rd or 4th post this morning (different forums..) that relate how a skid is making skid-marks. Pooping and peeing themselves. This is pretty disturbing, and I have no bios, not really an expert in this level of sickness.
If she is not being abused, that you know for certain, then the first thing I would consider is installing cameras. Like nanny cams. If you are being accused of abuse and someone wants to, they can take your bio away. Thats something to consider.
As a mother, your instincts are to be the mother to this child. The toxic BM is not allowing you to, the SD is not allowing you to, so you MUST step way back, and have your DH conduct EVERY aspect of parenting his child. Focus on your own child. Sd is getting all kinds of attention for this, but more importantly it sounds like she might have some kind of mental illness.
Your Dh giving up on SD is not an option. He needs to stay on top of this.
And you need to get your ducks in a row in case he decides not to. This is your house, correct? Then prepare for the possibility that this marriage is not going to work out. Its not a failure - you need to look out for YOUR child. You cant fix this SD.