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Does anyone else here have Fulltime Skids?

FrackturedBradyBunch's picture

I have 3 fulltime step daughters, 12, 14 and 15.

I have been in the picture for 10 years.

There mother is not in the picture and I am guessing for 11 or so years.

They call my mum, it is just a word.

Their father does NOT step up to the plate and parent.

He goes away hunting on weekends, he walks the dog and visits friends during the week.

I am the parent of the house, the home maker, the protector, the disciplinarian.

Does it EVER getting any freakin better???? It feels like it is actually getting worse if that's at all possible.

It is the same old shit, year after year. Hygiene filth, disrespect for belongs (mine and theirs), blatant disregard for house rules (don't steal) etc etc..

I am fucking over it!! I am disengaging and still it isn't helping. We had the almighty of blowups tonight because I accidentally splashed water on SD15 when I threw the new plates into the sink after asking her 3 times to just do her chores. I thought DH was actually going to either 1) strike me or 2) have a heart attack from anger.

FrackturedBradyBunch's picture

I'm trying to disengage Sally, but there is just some things I am not prepared to compromise on, cleaning up after themselves in common rooms, and chores. They don't have a multitude of chores, one washes the dishes, one wipes the dishes and one sweeps the dining room floor at each meal that is eaten at home. That's it.

Because of their hygiene I no longer drive them anywhere, I don't care how the room looks, I don't even care how they look as I am no longer seen with them.

I don't even care about his happiness, I couldn't give a fat rats arse how happy he is on the rare occasions he is bothering to be home.

I just want to survive and not lose my mind.

FrackturedBradyBunch's picture

I know Echo...it is a swirling vortex of shit but with other factors which he has caused he has seized the power so that I actually can't leave. He has financially crippled me, his credit rating is fine, he has destroyed my chance at renting....another long story, and we have a 7 year old son together who adores his dad. As DH has fulltime custody of the 3 girls I just don't know how I would fair up against them all in court if he went for fulltime custody of Mr 7 and I just couldn't ever let that happen.

I want to be a pigeon's picture

That accidental splash of water was a perfect opportunity for her to get a control buzz! Sadly it worked. She seized the moment to play the victim and tell Daddy and then he got narky with you! A fine example how these little sods play the step parent and the parent off each other. Unfortunately it meant she got power from the situation and as you say is trying it again.
I went through the same and found that by getting my partner to instruct about chores, as I had disengaged. Even if he wasn't home I would make him ring my step daughter to make sure she had done them.
Only problem with this is they start to not do their chores properly, so your OH will have to make them do them again.
It's o hard to shut up in these situations, as I am finding when it's your own home. Ugh.

Rags's picture

Not anymore. However, we had SS-22 full time from the time we married the week before he turned 2yo until he aged out from under the Custody/Visitation/Support CO at age 18.

Of course it is getting worse. Your DH is a useless POS as a father who abdicates his parental responsibilities to you. If your DH will step up then yes, it can get better. But, based on your DH's history of absentee outsourced parenting I would not count on an improvement.

furkidsforme's picture

^^^^ THIS

Look at the dynamic. You get all the abuse, work the hardest, and are automatically be set up to be everyone's fall guy for why their life is SOOOO BAD.

FrackturedBradyBunch's picture

WOW, I've never actually looked at it like this before...that they have lost both parents.

I really don't get why they despise me so much, I have been with them 10 of their 12, 14 and 15 lives....every single day, for everything. We have never been close because even at 4 the middle one would pull away and ask he dad if he loved me more than them and that sort of thing. But I have been the constant in the lives.

StepLady's picture

If you think your husband may strike you, your problems are the not the kids! Do as the other said and figure out why it is you are still there. You deserve better, get it for yourself!

Miss T's picture

It's becoming pretty clear to me that step-mothering is just another means of extracting free labor from women.

I want to be a pigeon's picture

Ugh yes I do! I am sick of her. I have been round and round in circles with her ridiculous behaviour.
I have totally disengaged in the past. I seem to have got myself involved again. I literally did nothing for her and then she walked out on us to live with her mother! 5 months later she came back as she hated it there as her mum was horrible to her and came back an angel!! So she can behave when she wants to!!
Now she is back to her old ridiculous tricks again.
I find her infuriating!
I make her evening meal, she has NO table manners at all! yesterday for example i left her meal on the side for her for when she got out of the shower. she picked a knife and fork for a meal that was a rice dish. I told her to go and get a spoon and so she comes back and starts eating her meal with a TEASPOON!!! She is 12 for gods sake I have told her about it before.
I then shouted at her for being dappy and infuriating!!!
On hindsight maybe I should have left her to it but I don't cook lovely meals to be eaten in this way!
She keeps going all day without getting herself a drink unless she is told to get one, saying she forgets. I really can't be mothering a 12 year old to get a drink we have plenty in.
The above are a minute example of yesterday's shit.
I really cannot stand it! Do I go back to point blank ignoring her and leaving him to parent or not parent as he chooses? I only do her evening meal to help my partner as it is.
To be fair, my partner is fully aware of her ways and does try, he doesn't always seem to notice.
I can't sit at the table with her that's for sure!!!!

FrackturedBradyBunch's picture

Goodness me, I have and still are going down the table manners route.....holding your cutlery like a neanderthal, sniffy snot while eating instead of just getting up and blowing your nose, stuffing so much food in your face that it falls out while you try and chew.....yada yada yada.

I'm finding it hard disengaging, there are just things I'm not prepared to compromise by passing it all on to him because frankly he just does nothing. Manners and cleanliness.

StepMat789's picture

I do! Two skids in the house full time with minimal interaction with BM.

Do any of us look at ourselves as damaged or changed forever. I believe divorce does that too us. We become harder inside. Stronger, maybe...harder for sure. We had families before we divorced and no matter what that perception of a family is gone, gone for good.

The SKIDS will never be our children or like our children. They have their own baggage and step moms are just an open target for all that is wrong in their lives. I have been blamed for breathing wrong.

We are expected to act as Mothers but only when it suits our spouse to do so. WE have no voice with the SKIDS, respect or purpose. My SKIDS treat me like I am a stranger in my own home.

Disengaging is the only way to survive. But, I haven't disengaged all together. I have slowly learned that I am not related to them, they are not my family, they are not my kids. I am married to their father. I don't want them hurt and I will come to their aid if needed; however, I am not going to mother them they way I do my own kids. They can complain all they want to about me treating them differently. I do. I am not mean or cruel. I am polite, but I am not going to go out of my way to make them "happy."

Prayers for you and all those dealing with SKIDS in the home. Carol Brady, much like Cinderella clouded our reality.

FrackturedBradyBunch's picture

You have described my feelings and interaction to a tee StepMat, I will feed, cloth, and guide, I will protect if need be like I would for anyone. but they are not mine, they don't want to be mine, I don't want them to be mine.

Today I walked in the back gate and unlocked the bag door, all 3 sat there talking and totally ignored me and got up and walked inside.

On the weekend they will all chime, goodmorning mum when I come downstairs.

They shit me