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do not take it on my bio son because mama bear gets mad....

dalhia's picture

Submitted by dalhia on Tue, 11/29/2011 - 12:52am

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Blended Family Issues

so, i disengaged from my SD and now she realized that there is no way back to the emotional abuse and disrespect that was the norm for many years. she was -like many stepkids- in control of the house. she was upset , acted out, i tried to control the ourbursts, tried to educate her, get hubby involved, he didnt want to , hubby and i fight, my bioson in his room wondering when this craziness will stop and when he will get his mom back and SD, also suffering but somehow managed to turn a whole family upside down again.

anyway, fast forwarding to today, i have been disengaged for a couple of months. it is great except for that after she realized that this is not just a bad week, or im not just mad but im literally emotionally out of reach, now she is being disrescpectfull to my bioson...now THAT is hard for me to ignore.. i can turn the other way when she says "fuck you" under her breath to me but when she redirects at my son, my blood boils...any words of wisdom? please....
by the way, hubby is doing a great job so far, it is very hard for him but he is stepping up to the plate...i feel so much more respect for him when he is connected and alerts and being a dad...hope it sticks...

ctnmom's picture

Submitted by ctnmom on Tue, 11/29/2011 - 1:38pm

She says f you under her breath to you? DH should send her into her room for the rest of the day. Says it to your son? She cleans the toilets with an old toothbrush. I'm not kidding. It sounds like someone needs to put a boot on her neck, and you know it needs to be DH. Keep disengaging for sure, I think that's the BEST thing you could do for your son and yourself. Tell DH you WILL NOT TOLERATE mistreatment of your son. Remind him NONE of this is your son's fault and he didn't ask for any of it.

Dannee's picture

Submitted by Dannee on Tue, 11/29/2011 - 10:45pm

Yaaa...Just like that! }:)

I have some old toothbrushes here...

If my skids so much disrespect me (funny part...they don't respect their mother)
if they so much disrespect me..they can go back to where they came from..

A product of their environment...their mothers house..

Tell hubby to keep going...he is the one that can put a tight lid on her..

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Tue, 11/29/2011 - 1:58pm

I would take it a step further and ask him how would he feel and react if your son did those things to his dd??? I bet he would have a different tune if it was the other way around?? Wink

dalhia's picture

Submitted by dalhia on Wed, 11/30/2011 - 9:42am

thank you so much..keep it coming! it really helps me to hear the stories and the advice. to kind of answers some of hte comments above. yes, she swears under her breath here and there, she is one kid with me and one very different sweet kid with daddy. it gets under your skin..but i have to admit that since the disengaging, it is not getting to me at all. before we would fight a lot. i would always try to educate her and integrated her to the family (she always pulled away), now she can spend the wholw day in her room and in the bathroom...not my problem. she does her "things" like storming around the house, door slamming, loud music from her room, spending 45 minutes in the bathroom, and i dont react. so now, my son is a bit of a target. he is 10 and very emotionally smart...i did talk to him and he got it right away. now we are all just seeing how this whole thing develops. im not sure what will happen because im not feeling any closer to her...i honestly dont know how will i ever be able to get involved without mothering

dalhia's picture

Submitted by dalhia on Wed, 11/30/2011 - 9:59am

and by the way...my hubby also answers me with those answers...listen to this one...he is now the one getting her from school on some days ,the rest she walks home. so she is used to seeing his car pull over , the other day he took the day off and we went grocery shopping together and on the way back we went opick her up driving my car...when she saw the truck approcah, she gave "me" becasue she thought it was me...the worst horrible hatefull face ever, and as soon as she realized that hubby was driving she changed to saint...and he SAW it!! i told him "that is what i get " now you belive me...he didnt answer, and then apparently he went to ask her why she had that face and she said "because i got scared that it was a couple of minutes late and you werent there" yeah ..sure!! scared??!?! yeah..she is 12, she was not scared!!!!!
and he BELIEVED her.....
ladies, we are all in the same boat....will it float? will it sink? Smile
it helps me so much to be in this site...