Divorced , getting remarried and now worried that I'm being oversensitive? HELP
My Fiancee. A WONDERFUL SWEET AFFECTIONATE MAN. Is also handsome and passionate and dramatic at times, a writer, and a stone mason who makes rock art.
We have 3 kids between the two of us , 4yr, 6yr and 7yr old boys. two mine one his.
I know this site is about stepfamilies. well. I am not sure where this all falls but....
in short. My soon to be hubby has had close friends that are girls before he and I. NOTHING has happened between him and this one woman , she then decided to tell him she loves him (he told me all and did show me all her emails - psycho ones included) After me getting VERY upset and demanding he cut her out of his life. He did and admittedly I do check his emails from time to time. SHE IS GONE.
HIS BEST FRIEND> is a girl and one we both went to school with. She is also my friend, and in her own serious wonderful relationship.
I asked him the other day when she called what they talk about sometimes (sometimes I am not there to hang around while he talks, no biggie) I was curious but also wanted to see if he would admit to venting to her about his issues with my kids (he does not get along with them well, and tells her all sorts of bitching about them) I know he did because I saw the email and felt very betrayed. YES he and I had a similar discussion but he felt the need to write her and complain about how my kids push boundaries, are little crappers and how I don't mother to his standards ( the only HUGE issue we have)
It had been eating at me for a week and I know I should not have read his email but after the whole "Samantha" issue I had to make sure the bitch left him alone and I saw this.
She told him he needs to talk to me and its a huge deal we are about to get MARRIED etc. NOTHING like she wanted him loved him or anything, HOWEVER I feel that its OUR issue and it upsets me he's seeking venting to another woman even after we discussed. I tried to tell him to put the shoe on the other foot but he told me he doesn't have a lot of guy friends to vent to (he doesn't) and she is a good friend (we both went to school with her and she is very nice and not after him this I know for sure)
Is is normal for me to tell him not to discuss this with her? I don't care if he talks about ANYTHING else with her. THIS is my and his issue. I do not need some woman judging or giving her opinion on his issue, esp because whatever his feelings are I'm sure she will side with him
----sidenote, YEARS ago he did not "sleep" with her but did "other" things with her, they were not anything about dating just physical. and only one night and she told him she felt not like that for him.
since then they have been friends (over 6 years now) I am FINE with it, she's in our wedding. but is it ok for him to talk to a chick about my kids and me? I feel I can't hear or read (normally) what he is writing or saying and that its not fair I cannot defend myself.
He says he talks to other ppl about the issue trying to find answers to why he dislikes the kids (he feels they don't listen and disrespect me) they are 4 and 6! kids are pushers at that age! aren't they? anyways. I know its not strictly steptalk discussion but I have nowhere to "vent" myself. I would NEVER talk to another man about our issues. I feel that if he talked to a guy friends about it I wouldn't mind so much. but because its a woman I feel a bit distrustful and betrayed...am I wrong?
I'm glad your husband-to-be
I'm glad your husband-to-be is sensitive and outspoken (apparently) about how he feels, but DAMN-- I think the fact that he's venting to ANYBODY, male or female is what I'm stunned about. I hate to stereotype, but I just can't even picture a man doing that. My boyfriend, for example, is very conflict-shy, so he rarely brings problems to my attention, and he usually feels attacked when I bring issues to HIS attention, regardless of how nice I am about it. So therefore, the only time HE raises concerns is if HE feels like I am attacking him (or his kids), and in self-defense he BLOWS UP, and often he gives me a laundry list of sh*t I or my kids did wrong according to him. The thought of him bitching to somebody else about me makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up, LOL! Maybe, MAYBE if it were somebody who was REALLY invested/concerned with his success and well-being and could offer help, such as his mom-- I could get around that.
That being said, I have dated guys who were more outspoken about their feelings, and I STILL can't picture them "venting" to other people about their personal problems. I think the fact that it's a woman is compounding the issue, and (no offense intended, I promise) you do seem a little bit of a jealous one. To top it all off, it's about your kids, and no mother loves to hear (or read) that EVER.
Ya know, I always heard "if you go snooping around where you shouldn't, you'll always find things you don't like," and I totally think that's true. I know you were trying to keep track of the one psycho girl, so I get it, and I'm definitely guilty of E-mail snooping, phone snooping, etc. And I have OBSESSED over shit I've found, deliberating about what to do about it, blowing my cover, etc. So I think my best suggestion to you, if you want the marriage to be a success, is to continue to ACTIVELY work TOGETHER on the family-blending issues you guys have, WITHOUT bringing up the vent E-mails, and try to forget you ever saw them.
I just had another thought--
I just had another thought-- I think the idea you put in my head of my bf venting about me to other people traumatized me, b/c I'm still thinking about your post, haha.
How about you tell your fiance that he might be on the right track with getting a third party opinion, but that you think it would be more beneficial and productive if it were an outside-- UNBIASED-- third party, such as pre-marital counseling, family counselor, etc?
Maybe that would (in addition to actually helping you guys!) also squash his urge to degrade you and your kids to a mutual friend (be it man or woman.)
Hi cat. loved your post. YES
Hi cat. loved your post. YES I have suggested a counseler and he says he sees no diff. than telling his friend.
Yes he is vocal we talk all the damn time and he is almost the perfect guy I swear. its this one issue that pissed me off. Yes I can be more jealous but I'm not kidding when I say he's attractive,hot and sweet to boot. It is a woman that he's talking to that upsets me. and the fact that if she maybe did have insight (divorced, step parent or even a parent!) I would be better about it but Isee nothing coming from that discussion she's in a relationship but never has had kids and never been married etc. Thats what upsets me, she really has no place giving advice..and I know lol I the saying about the snooping in places..and I have been MUCH better about that ..and I do trust him cheating wise nor do I think its a emotional affair. he has little friends and I get it, I just don't like him getting advice from a chick some of that may be I came last in my last relationship ( i was married and my ex was forgetful I existed) I want to be first or next to it (he has a son ) you know?
Tell him he can come here and
Tell him he can come here and vent. I agree it's hard when it's someone you know. However, I don't really see why you are getting married with so many issues and no kids "between" you...you need to think about that.
Who he his venting to wouldn'
Who he his venting to wouldn' t bother me. However, the fact that he dislikes my kids would be a major deal breaker for me.
What bothers me most about
What bothers me most about what you said was the fact that your fiance is venting to a woman whom he knows is also your friend and whatever he tells her is likely to get back to you. There is a rather unsavoury and incestuous feel to this triangle.
It is almost like he WANTS her to snitch to you about his unburdening of himself. To make you jealous?
The issues about finding each other's children difficult are not, to my mind, the big one - we all know SKIDS are problematic. But the fact that he is complaining about your kids to a mutual friend who is also female would set alarm bells ringing for me. I don't think he is trustworthy. He sounds flamboyant and likes to get plenty of female attention, from different women, at the same time. If they know each other, better still! They are all jealous of each other and he is centre stage, being fought over. If I were you I wouldn't marry him just yet - I smell a rat.
zebra, omg, I thought I was
zebra, omg, I thought I was the only one with a DH who has best girl friends. Honestly, it makes me crazy. He is faithful to me, I'm sure of it, but it seems to be his own secret little world. Some of these women are my friends too, or at least colleagues, and I'm never included in the conversations they have. How hard is it to copy me on an email now and then, DH? Most don't live in our town, but some do, and when we run into them I suddenly become invisible. Yeah, I have huge issues with that and after our last argument I told him I was going to talk with a counselor. Pretty sure he won't go with me. I haven't done that yet, and I really don't know why. I just wish the whole thing would go away, which of course it won't. He thinks I'm just being silly and insecure.
Anyway. Sorry for the vent on your post. I too would have a huge issue with him complaining about my kids or my anything to anyone, especially on email, and especially if this person were supposedly a friend of mine too. Instead of bitching to someone about what he thinks is a problem, how about putting some energy into solving it? You and he are a couple and you and he need to figure this out.
Your soon to be husband is
Your soon to be husband is totally crossing the line. Cardinal rule: couples never discuss marital/family with family members or mutual friends. I would also be concerned that this man has no appreciation or understanding of appropriate boundaries when one is about to marry and that he is already seeking the comfort of another woman (your friend) by centering his discussions (gossip) around you and your children. That is just wrong on so many levels.
I would be very afraid he will make a lifetime habit of this kind of breach of the marital vows. Nothing in the marriage is off limits for discussion with others for these types.
If he is having doubts about the upcoming nuptials, and how you parent your children, I agree that he should be discussing his concerns with an outside party such as a counsellor. Discussing the matter with a mutual female friend is not an act of resolution but rather a covert act to gain control over you by attempting to get people to his side and gain sympathy for himself.
I agree with the side thing,
I agree with the side thing, thats how I feel too like he wants vindication for why he feels the way he does about my kid. I am not leaving him over this issue, he isn't clicking with the boys and feels they can be disrespectful of me (they can) and I do do my job as a mom but at the same time I let it go considering they are kids and they push back.
I will not leave him. its not a dealbreaker. I do agree with him when he says he cannot just fall in love with my kids. I do not expect that either. I know that eventually he will find common ground with them. I just don't know when you know?
While I would not like my
While I would not like my husband to discuss these issues with a female friend, there is no cardinal rule against it. Before online sites, all we had were friends and family, hopefully people with everybody's best interest in mind. Women are more likely to cross the boundary between "discussing" and gossiping than men. There are many notable exeptions of course. Let him know this is hurtful to you. If the fact that it is hurtful to you is not enough to stop him from doing it again, then you have a different problem.
^^TOTALLY agree!! If you let
^^TOTALLY agree!! If you let him know that it made you uncomfortable, and that you'd like to resolve your issues TOGETHER, but he still continues to vent to this lady, that is a whole 'nother problem. I think it's great that you do trust him.
Regarding the earlier counselor suggestion: Maybe tell him that since it's a MUTUAL friend, you feel a little betrayed and/or that you feel like hearing ONLY his side of the story leads this woman to automatically take his side. I would insist that PROFESSIONAL help is the only way to go.
I don't think this woman has any malintent, but honestly, if she has nowhere near a similar situation, like you said, I don't know what kind of "help" she is to him, other than a sounding board. But you have a right to be uncomfortable about his choice of doing this and expecting him to stop.
what?
what?