Divorce over step son?!
My husband is a widow. His son (now my step son) was 2 years old when his mum passed away. We got married 2 years after (actually I thought it was a good idea to get married earlier so to raise my step son from early ages), so I’ve been living with my step son since. Because he is quite traumatized, he goes through therapy (last 2 years, he’s 8 already). His mum’s family and even my in laws created hell out of my life first 2 years, when I was a genuinesly enthutiastic mum for him as they didn’t forgive my husband for remarrying so soon). Regardless I tried and did everything I could and could not, to make my step son happy and to make him feel I am his mum. He was a difficult kid always moody, negative, destructive and full of unhealthy habits. But I gave up my private life and my social life to have him sleep between me and my husband until he was afraid to sleep on his own, ot going out cause I spent evenings with him, etc. (Bte my husband has almost no role in any of it, he even tried to push his son further away). But last year has been horrible after I gave birth to my own child. SS has became nightmare for me. He always plays on my nerves, manipulates me and everyone around him, ungrateful and spoiled, alway wants to be in the center of attnetion, and now started to even hurt his younger brother (He almost chocked his 1 year old brother two days ago). I realized that I don’t love him, and I do everything because I am responsible and pity him. And allof this is affecting our relationship with my husband. He will never come to terms that I don’t loe my sS as I do my biological child. And plus he has become quitr a jerk as a partner.
Just imagining that this will have to be my life forever kilss me from inside. I don’t want to be so miserable any more. I am ready to divorce (I really loved my husband when we married, now I highly doubt that). But then when I imagine how they will both live (SS will probbaly move back to his grandparents, who cared for him when his mum was sick). And this guilt will probably haint me forever. On the other hand, I don’t want to be miserable and unhappy my whole life, and want to spend time just with my son. I don’t see the way out. I feel trapped.
And key question
Is it at all realistic and possible to be married to someone (and happily), and NOT love his (step-)son when he only has me as a mother figure as much as our shared son? Or am I fooling myself here by postponing divorce and not letting both (H and SS) go from my life? I hope to hear from someone wheo experienced same feelings.
If your DH was repectful and
If your DH was repectful and treated you well, I might say that you can have a successful relationship with him despite not loving his son. But why do you want to stay married to this guy? He is selfish and a jerk. Plus, he sounds like a nightmare of a parent. You say he pushes his kid away and will probably send the kid to live at his grandparents. Why would you want someone like that as a partner or as the father of your child? Life is too short to be unhappy. I'd walk away and focus on my bio kid. Let go of the guilt. Nothing you do will ever make you SS's mother.
My only concern would be that
My only concern would be that your husband will likely only have visitation time when he has both children. Do you think your bio will be safe without you there?
Divorce is rarely something
Divorce is rarely something that you forecast. It occurs at a discrete point where enough is enough. IMHO of course.
On that note. I met my dad for breakfast the morning after the wedding to my XW. We had breakfast at 04:00. My XW was still in bed so it was just dad and I. I then drove him to the airport a few minutes from the hotel.
He asked how married life was treating me. My reply was "This won't last." He was baffled by that less than 12 hours after the wedding ceremony. I married a beautiful, vibrant, smart, young woman. I had inklings that her family was tweaked but it was not something I could discretely put a finger on. We married in a huge beautiful ceremony with 500 guests (30 of which were my friends and family), and a massive reception dinner/dance celebration. All kinds of weird shit at the wedding and reception. A stacking of things that make you go Hmmmm?
We left the KOC hall after the reception and limo'd to the hotel that night. I carried this beautiful young woman through the door of the hotel suite. She immediately disappeared into the bathroom and stayed there for several hours. She had showed me the incredible lingerie she would be wearing under her dress. I never set eyes on that ensemble again after she showed it to me weeks before the wedding. She threw it away in the hotel suite bathroom.
After several hours a homeless looking crazed eyed ragamuffin came out of the hotel suite barthroom.She was in a ratty holey T-shirt, thread bare granny panties and looked like shit. I was shocked.
We went to bed. I of course was intending to consummate our marriage. We had remained abstinent during our dating and engagement at her request. I initiated intimacy and she went postal screaming for me to get away from her, don't touch her, etc....... I was floored. We were not intimate until two weeks later on the last night of our honeymoon.
The night of our wedding our suite telephone rang several times with calls from her friends teasing us, etc.... attempting io interrupt our first night together as a married couple. She lay there all night curled into a fetal position and didn't make a sound or move.
So, though I don't think that forecasting the demise of a marriage by those in it is a regular thing, I did it on my wedding night. Sadly I was right.
2.5 years later I was a single man with the freedom to pursue my life.
I wish I had immediately gone after an annulment following that nightmare of a wedding night. But, I was young, committed and not a proponent of divorce. While still not a proponent of divorce without a serious effort to revitalize the marriage, I am much more of a pragmatist and a realist. If you are going to go, go now and save yourself from sacrificing more time and more of yourself to this situation.
Take care of you.
It sounds like you both got
It sounds like you both got married for the wrong reasons.
What I am afraid of is that
What I am afraid of is that even if I was sure I love my husband, I don’t want to live my whole life with my SS in it. He is just too destructive, and very diferent from me and from my bio son. It doesn’t necesaarily mean he is bad, just too distant from me. I will be judged by my parents even for leaving my H and his SS who has already lost his mum once.
And my H has indeed become a jerk. Just an example, we are at vacation home and ran out off food for small one. When my H goes to supermarket, I always have to send him the whole list to buy there as he never knows what’s needed (even the amount of bananas!), and yesterday I wrotr him food for my toddler. He didn’t read that sms, so came back with nothing. I was upset of course, and complained can’t he not ever think about what’s necessary. And he replied: do you know what type of oil goes into our car? What-the-f??? I was shocked. He said he doesnt need to know what our child eats, it’s nanny’s business! And he has this attitude to everything. Household chores are routine and boring and waste of our time, but someonehas to do it, so I do it. When I tell him what needs to be done, he gets upset for pointing out his mistakes and missings. I can’t believe I didn’t see this coming before we got married.
He and his son only want everything from me, and nothing for me.
Better to learn this know and
Better to learn this know and act than to waste your life on them.
Move on, take care of you and your child.
Good luck.
Welcome to the site!
They say that a person makes changes when it is more painful to go ahead with the current situation than to change it. If there is anything positive about your marriage, you don't mention it - it all sounds unremittingly awful. You have no cause for guilt, you have made too many sacrifices already. It is not your fault that your husband is a useless father and partner. You deserve better than this, and so does your son, who at the very least should be able to be free from attacks by his half brother.
Thanks a lot everyone.
Thanks a lot everyone.
I am going through therapy myself at least a year now but no results yet. I even feel ashamed as it will be unloyal to tell my therapist that I am not happy with where I am now and want to change the therapist.
That’s my biggest fear - even if my H and I get proper individual counseling, I don’t think it will get any better with my SS. I can’t cope with his needyness my whole life. He wants everyone’s undivided attention and esp mine. But whatever I advise him, he still fights back everytime! So tired to respond to his million meaningless questions and requests meanwhile my H stays silent and ignores him. That’s his way of dealing with his own son.
Once we had a more or less open conversation about SS and how difficult it is for me and I said that even I blame myself for not making him a happy kid. And he said: “we are soing everything for him, including the best private school, caring environment, and councelling and he has to do the rest himself; he will have to deal with his own pain and trauma of separsting from his mum so early.”
It shocked me! I think it was first time I realized then that my H is not just incapable of emotional connections, but even doing it on purpose. One of the main strings holding our relationship broke that day.
Meanwhile my life has become just about my husband and his son. have no more friends left. I am at the most boring job for my whole career. I never ever travelled alone since I got married. I miss solo traveling. Sometimes I think that I just never should have given up my freedom (got married at 34). So much pressure from everyone.
You know you can not make a person happy
if they don’t want to be. SS is playing unhappy poor me card. He is never going to be happy because he is getting too much attention being sad. Stop the game. If he wants to be happy that up to him. You now worry about the safety of your DS. And not let SS black cloud hang over DS