"So I decided last week that I was going to disengage and stop disciplining the SD's"

I think that might be your issue - disengagement doesn't just mean you don't discipline. It means, on a basic level, that you don't care. It means that if you're going shopping without DH that his kids don't come with you, he needs to find a babysitter or watch them himself. If you're together at the store, and SD8 is wandering around touching things? So what? No skin off your nose, she's not your kid, any more than a random stranger's child doing the same thing would be your responsibility. (I'm hoping you wouldn't approach the random stranger and tell her to discipline her kid, although some people would!) She's doing some annoying noise? Tell DH "That noise is making me nuts, I'm going to watch TV in the bedroom, it's now your job to get dinner together."

By disengaging on discipline, you've basically made things EASIER for your DH. He doesn't have to parent AND he doesn't have to listen to YOU parent! Win win! The problem is that you've got to make things harder for him - you need to not parent AT ALL and force him to either step up or admit he needs help.

Practice saying, "She's my HUSBAND'S child." if strangers give you the stink eye in public.

}:) My skids are older than yours, I have a SD19 and a SDstb13. I disengaged on 7/7 after the YSD went bonkers on me due to the onset of puberty. I just STOPPED doing anything and everything as best I could. DH was just out of town for a few days and I didn't make one single meal for these kids. The milk hasn't been touched in the fridge and they are living off of snack foods, etc.

The hardest part for me is NOT caring. I feel like I am supposed to DO things for them. DH has been asking me to cook dinner for two days, and last night I was too tired and said no. Today he was already texting me, asking for his favorite meal. I will cook and the rest of them can clean tonight.

Yes, it's very difficult to do, because unless you are beyond pissed at the skids it's hard to turn off the instinct to be a mom/housewife/caregiver. I told DH on 7/7 that I was "done," and I had had enough of the laziness and disrespect. I cook one time a week and other than that, I take care of things for me, my pets and my DH. NOT including his kids.

Why do you think I have time to post here lol?

I am lucky in that DH is trying to be supportive. He's coming around and has had to deal with his kids on his own. It may be tough for you, but you have to get your water from the kitchen or whatever, keep your eyes down, whisper a mantra in your head over and over while your SD makes annoying noises.....and get the hell up to your room. Put in earbuds or earplugs. Listen to music and surf the net.

You should not do anything at all. If the house catches on fire, your nose works, you'll smell it and you can get everyone out in time.

You can do this. Give it a try and shock them all. You just have to get into the MINDSET. }:) Pick a theme song lol.

Best of luck from your cheering section!

~ Moon

Read the article linked below. Do it, nobody is listening, not the kids and not the husband and NO no more kids. As for your son tell him that you care enough about him that you don't want him doing the stupid things he sees the others do. If he's younger you can use the "They're older" explanation.

http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html

I agree- this is not disengaging.

Disengaging is hard and takes practice. For the dh's learning to discipline and be responsible for your child when someone else has been holding the reins is hard and takes practice.

Some of it sounds like personality. Some kids make a lot of annoying noises. My ds(27 now!) was one of those kids. I had to learn to look at his behavior and decide "Is this behavior really a problem or is it just bothering me?" If it was something that was *really* a problem behavior, I addressed it. If it was something that was annoying me, but not harmful, I learned to ignore or remove myself from it/find a way he can do it without annoying me.

Back to disengaging. You might not ever learn to not care, but you have to learn to let go. It doesn't mean that instead of disciplining his kids, I will tell him how to discipline his kids and he will do it. It is more like... Together the parents set household rules that take everyone's development, personalities, and needs into consideration. And then each parent is responsible for making sure their kid is following those rules. And stays out of what the other child is doing and how that parent handles it.

Now, if the child is doing something specific that is interfering with something you are doing- it is fine to say "Dh, sd is playing with her cars in the kitchen and I need to cook." But you have to learn that it is okay if his way of dealing with that is going in himself and cleaning up the cars and giving sd a cookie.

Ideally, all the kids will have the same rules and consequences, but in reality it doesn't always work. Kids are different, parents are different, and histories are different. And different does not necessarily mean better or worse. And in the long run, those difference often don't make that much difference anyhow.

Ultimately- it is about everyone getting along and being comfortable in their home and ultimately each parent is only responsible for the outcomes for their own biokids.

Start small- with one or two rules that you both pretty much agree on. When that is going smoothly, add one or two more.

Give it time. Work on it in counseling.