Let go of any expectations that you may have for your skids. If they have no manners, dispicable behavior and abhorrable hygiene there really isn't much you can do about it. Let the parents be the parents while you sit back and repeat the mantra "not my kid, not my problem".
what i have done, only talk when talked to, i tell my dh my expectations of the skids, and let him enforce it, if he doesn't it's on him, if their room is not as clean as i want it when they go home, i shut their bedroom door while they are home, and let them wonder why they have no clean clothes or a made bed, i make my dd do her own, and they are 4 and 5 years older, they are perfectly capable..i've become very quiet when i acompany him to pick them up, and only ask how your doing or include myself in those convo's when i'm included or asked.
Im new here. How does disengagement work when the SK continues to try and start problems?
Do I need to ignore her entirely? I feel like Im letting her win by doing nothing...that Im teaching her she can treat people however she wants. My fiance feels that I should just ignore her behavior no matter what.
This sucks beyond recognition cause Im constantly made into the bad guy. Meanwhile,she is getting a free pass to treat me like crap.
mom23 you are in exactly my situation. Adult SKIds who love you then hate you. Love when they need something, hate when their BM is giving them everything they want right? Read my old blogs for a few ideas. I can't take credit for most, I learned what I know from folks here.
I can tell you it's hard. I tried for eight years to build the happy family with everyone together for holidays and birthdays. I do the special easter and haloween and birthday baskets with everyones favorite candy and treats. photo mugs, cashh... big time cash... I made sure skids and dh had a relationship. included them in everything i'd like to have been just us and my own kids... tried tried tried.
Then got pooped on for the last time in October and it was the hardest thing I've ever done... disengaging that is. It is also now the most rewarding well deserved act of kindness I've ever done for myself.
Just this weekend I realized again how big a deal it was. DH said he'd like to invite SD26 and SSIL over for the game. I saod sure, lets have all the kids come over and have a little party. He said ... well i was thinking maybe just them so we can work on our relationship with them. I didn't react. just looked at him and said honey... i like our current relationship with them just fine. I'm sorry they haven't called but once since they moved into their new house, and it was only to have you fix their electricity. I'm sorry they haven't ever invited me to their new house. I'm sorry they haven't thanked us for the $10k we gave them to buy it, and haven't sent your parents photos of their new furniture purchased with money from them. I'm sorry they never come to see us and only got me lotion for Christmas. I'm sorry they ruined your parents visit by being selfisih idiots... but you know what... I am not sorry not to have a relationship anymore. I fought for 8 years to make them feel welcome and engage them in our family. i tried and tried and never gave up after all the crap they put me through. I have bit my tounge for four months regarding every little hurtful thing that has happened since they moved and here's the kicker... I LIKE IT.
I like not having to tip toe around my own home. I like not expecting a thank you from them. I like having zero expectations of them. I absolutely like being your wife and not worrying about being a good step mom to them.
He said he loves me and he agrees and i'm right and he's sorry but it's not feeling good because he doesn't have a relationship anymore with them and he doesn't like that it was me, in fact, who built up what relationship he did have with them. and it's so much more clear to him now that they dont give a rats ass.
so we invited just them. they came. didn't speak to me. grown ass 'children' showed up emppty handed again, didn't bring beer... and bummer that i didn't make sure we had beer in the house like usual. (dh and i dont drink beer, they're 26 yrs old, can buy their own.) i made dh favorite snacks. they didn't bring anything.
SSIL says 'hey can we eat some of this we're starving. I said sure.... And we couldn't have timed this any better.... my ds21 walks in right then. college student, works three jobs, always broke because he lives in an expensive apartment, but that's his choice..... he walks in with a monster bag of gardettos. HEY MOM AND "D" Go Steelers Right? I brought snacks! Sorry it's not much, but it's better than nothin, didn't want to show up empty handed. (i love him)
SSIL is filling his plate, looks around to SD26 and says hey hon, will you grab me a beer? SERIOUSLY! SD26 says sure... goes to the fridge... Hey dad, where's the beer? DH says... idk check the garage. I go to the garage first because i know DS21 brought his own beer and sd will take his. I get his beer and put it on the patio where everyone can see it from the living room in case she and ssil tries to take it. she's looking around for other beer... I'm already gone.
SD comes back in and tells SSIL I dont think there's any beer. So DS21 - broke college student with no money - offers them one of his beers. Ok he brought SIX for the evening, it's nice of him. He has one. SD grabs TWO for her and SSIL. That leaves three. 30 mins later DS21 is like psst mom... whered my beer go? THey're ALL GONE.
I calmly walk over to dh and ask him to go get beer to replace the beer that sd26 and ssil26 drank. he looks at me like i'm nuts. it's the playoffs you know. DH looks at me, looks at his daughter and son in law, looks at me...
I'm confused though. With a BD in the house, how do i expect her to listen to me and follow rules when the stepkids don't have to? She knows she has to eat her food, pick up her toys/mess, do her homework, make her bed, etc., but when I don't get after the skids to do it, doesn't that confuse her? That definitely is one of the biggest issues with my husband and myself...
I don't even know what to tell you. I bend over backwards for my SDs, and they look at me like I'm speaking Japanese because their idiot mothers don't have rules in their homes during visitation.
My SS is a saint. Seriously good kid. Both my SDs treat me like I'm Hitler.
The thing is, I'm finally realizing, I'm going to get treated like a dirtbag either way. Why be nice?
Let go of any expectations
Let go of any expectations that you may have for your skids. If they have no manners, dispicable behavior and abhorrable hygiene there really isn't much you can do about it. Let the parents be the parents while you sit back and repeat the mantra "not my kid, not my problem".
what i have done, only talk
what i have done, only talk when talked to, i tell my dh my expectations of the skids, and let him enforce it, if he doesn't it's on him, if their room is not as clean as i want it when they go home, i shut their bedroom door while they are home, and let them wonder why they have no clean clothes or a made bed, i make my dd do her own, and they are 4 and 5 years older, they are perfectly capable..i've become very quiet when i acompany him to pick them up, and only ask how your doing or include myself in those convo's when i'm included or asked.
Im new here. How does
Im new here. How does disengagement work when the SK continues to try and start problems?
Do I need to ignore her entirely? I feel like Im letting her win by doing nothing...that Im teaching her she can treat people however she wants. My fiance feels that I should just ignore her behavior no matter what.
This sucks beyond recognition cause Im constantly made into the bad guy. Meanwhile,she is getting a free pass to treat me like crap.
I definitely need more rules to disengagement.
mom23 you are in exactly my
mom23 you are in exactly my situation. Adult SKIds who love you then hate you. Love when they need something, hate when their BM is giving them everything they want right? Read my old blogs for a few ideas. I can't take credit for most, I learned what I know from folks here.
I can tell you it's hard. I tried for eight years to build the happy family with everyone together for holidays and birthdays. I do the special easter and haloween and birthday baskets with everyones favorite candy and treats. photo mugs, cashh... big time cash... I made sure skids and dh had a relationship. included them in everything i'd like to have been just us and my own kids... tried tried tried.
Then got pooped on for the last time in October and it was the hardest thing I've ever done... disengaging that is. It is also now the most rewarding well deserved act of kindness I've ever done for myself.
Just this weekend I realized again how big a deal it was. DH said he'd like to invite SD26 and SSIL over for the game. I saod sure, lets have all the kids come over and have a little party. He said ... well i was thinking maybe just them so we can work on our relationship with them. I didn't react. just looked at him and said honey... i like our current relationship with them just fine. I'm sorry they haven't called but once since they moved into their new house, and it was only to have you fix their electricity. I'm sorry they haven't ever invited me to their new house. I'm sorry they haven't thanked us for the $10k we gave them to buy it, and haven't sent your parents photos of their new furniture purchased with money from them. I'm sorry they never come to see us and only got me lotion for Christmas. I'm sorry they ruined your parents visit by being selfisih idiots... but you know what... I am not sorry not to have a relationship anymore. I fought for 8 years to make them feel welcome and engage them in our family. i tried and tried and never gave up after all the crap they put me through. I have bit my tounge for four months regarding every little hurtful thing that has happened since they moved and here's the kicker... I LIKE IT.
I like not having to tip toe around my own home. I like not expecting a thank you from them. I like having zero expectations of them. I absolutely like being your wife and not worrying about being a good step mom to them.
He said he loves me and he agrees and i'm right and he's sorry but it's not feeling good because he doesn't have a relationship anymore with them and he doesn't like that it was me, in fact, who built up what relationship he did have with them. and it's so much more clear to him now that they dont give a rats ass.
so we invited just them. they came. didn't speak to me. grown ass 'children' showed up emppty handed again, didn't bring beer... and bummer that i didn't make sure we had beer in the house like usual. (dh and i dont drink beer, they're 26 yrs old, can buy their own.) i made dh favorite snacks. they didn't bring anything.
SSIL says 'hey can we eat some of this we're starving. I said sure.... And we couldn't have timed this any better.... my ds21 walks in right then. college student, works three jobs, always broke because he lives in an expensive apartment, but that's his choice..... he walks in with a monster bag of gardettos. HEY MOM AND "D" Go Steelers Right? I brought snacks! Sorry it's not much, but it's better than nothin, didn't want to show up empty handed. (i love him)
SSIL is filling his plate, looks around to SD26 and says hey hon, will you grab me a beer? SERIOUSLY! SD26 says sure... goes to the fridge... Hey dad, where's the beer? DH says... idk check the garage. I go to the garage first because i know DS21 brought his own beer and sd will take his. I get his beer and put it on the patio where everyone can see it from the living room in case she and ssil tries to take it. she's looking around for other beer... I'm already gone.
SD comes back in and tells SSIL I dont think there's any beer. So DS21 - broke college student with no money - offers them one of his beers. Ok he brought SIX for the evening, it's nice of him. He has one. SD grabs TWO for her and SSIL. That leaves three. 30 mins later DS21 is like psst mom... whered my beer go? THey're ALL GONE.
I calmly walk over to dh and ask him to go get beer to replace the beer that sd26 and ssil26 drank. he looks at me like i'm nuts. it's the playoffs you know. DH looks at me, looks at his daughter and son in law, looks at me...
What would you have done???
I'm confused though. With a
I'm confused though. With a BD in the house, how do i expect her to listen to me and follow rules when the stepkids don't have to? She knows she has to eat her food, pick up her toys/mess, do her homework, make her bed, etc., but when I don't get after the skids to do it, doesn't that confuse her? That definitely is one of the biggest issues with my husband and myself...
I don't even know what to
I don't even know what to tell you. I bend over backwards for my SDs, and they look at me like I'm speaking Japanese because their idiot mothers don't have rules in their homes during visitation.
My SS is a saint. Seriously good kid. Both my SDs treat me like I'm Hitler.
The thing is, I'm finally realizing, I'm going to get treated like a dirtbag either way. Why be nice?