discipline issue and not my mom comment
I have 2 SS, age 11 and 14, they were both adopted by my DH and his ex. I have known them since they were 2 1/2 and 5. They primarily live with their mom and spend every other weekend with us (it used to include 2 weeknights but they moved out of state last month). About 9 months ago, I was cleaning the 11 year old's room (which I don't normally do) and I found dirty dishes and candy wrappers all over the place. So we made a rule that he can't eat in his room. He broke this rule twice in the past and has again for the third time. Like usual, he lied to me when I asked him about the food in his room. He said it was there before we made the rule which I know isn't true since I know I bought those cookies 2 months ago. Then he cries and starts his angry rant about how I suck, he hates me and I'm not his real mom.
I took away his remotes (X box and tv) but still managed to watch tv after I went to bed. Every time we have ever took away his electronics in the past, it never seemed to bother him. He never complained about it. He seemed perfectly fine playing with his toys and reading. The "you're not my real mom" comment really hurt. We are at a loss about what type of discipline would work for him. Do I ignore the mom comment? I feel like not doing his laundry and other mom things and reminding him that I'm not his real mom.
We have thought that his lying and he has also stole things from his siblings and classmates, was a cry for attention. We ask him to watch tv with us and he acts like THAT is punishment. We have tried to offer more attention and he has refused it. He prefers to be alone in his room with the door closed. How do I respond and how do we understand why he doesn't follow this rule.
Unplug the tv. Go to a dollar
Unplug the tv.
Go to a dollar store and buy a small padlock for $1.00. Feed the lock through hole on the prong of the plug for the TV.
Viola: if it can't be plugged in, it cannot be used.
As for the comment the kid is trying to hurt your feelings. I heard that comment exactly once and fired back with "That's obvious to everyone, because if I was your mother, you would not act like this!"
He was adopted as an infant
He was adopted as an infant from another country. His personality is completely different than his "brother" who is very outgoing and easily makes friends. Love the padlock idea.
What is EOWE?
When the kids are at our
When the kids are at our house shouldn't we be co-parenting so we act like a family? And treat them as our kids? Not his kids?
He does lead the parenting.
He does lead the parenting. Usually I let him discipline although I give my input when it is just DH and me. I think since he is a part time parent he can be a little lax but will sometimes toughen up after we discuss things. Last night DH just wasn't home at the time. Just me and 11 year old.
The kid doesn't hate me.
The kid doesn't hate me. Neither of them do.
They don't hate you now.
They don't hate you now. Keep stepping into the parent roll and that may change.
So how is it that I am
So how is it that I am expected to pick up the kids, cook them dinner, do their laundry, but them food and do mom things and then not be able to act like a mother in other respects. My DH has a 2 hour commute, and when we had the kids on a weeknight he wouldn't get home until 720 and the arrangement was that we got the kids from 7p-930pm. He wanted dinner done so he could make the most of what little time he has with his kids. He would then bring them home. I don't object to doing those mommy type stuff since it's the only kind of mom I get to be (I don't have any kids of my own and never will). The kids and I get along just fine. I rarely discipline them on my own. And if I do, only pre-established punishments. My DH supports every decision I make in his absence. We are supposed to be a team right? Seems wrong to me to tell him that he has to do all these things for the kids since they are his and not mine. When I married him , I married his entire family including his kids. So we are all in this life together and I feel we should act as a unit instead not doing things for his kids. We spent a week I the Bahamas and everyone had a good time.
Just because you make the
Just because you make the choice to do mother things, doesn't mean the kids will ever view you as mor e than their dad's wife.
The kids should respect you. They may have a great relationship with you. But that does not mean they will think of you as family.
If you were not in the picture, your husband would figure out how to make it all work. If that meant cooking dinner while the kids were with him, he would do it? Why is that such a bad thing? He and his boys could cook dinner for you once a week.
You could have a really rough
You could have a really rough road ahead. He sounds like a mess. Stealing things at his age is not a cry for attention - it's being a thief.
Sometimes genetics just overwhelm all the parenting in the world.
I've known a couple for decades where both individuals are just lovely people - well educated, honest, hard working, etc. Mom is the daughter of a university professor and is well educated herself. Dad graduated from one of the military academies and Harvard Business School.
I remember when they adopted their infant son who was just a few days old. This boy had every opportunity in the world. Where is he now at 33? In prison. No education, no job, a baby with a baby mamma that he doesn't support. He's pure d trash in spite of having lovely parents. Nature topped nurture.
When I pick up the kids, I'm
When I pick up the kids, I'm really doing it for my DH so he gets to be with his kids. So yes, I accept the request to cook and stuff to make life easier for my DH. Helping the kids is my way of supporting and loving my husband. Wouldn't DH be hurt if I refused to do things for his kids?
I’m going to step in a defend
I’m going to step in a defend dancemom33 here a bit. BINGO!! “So how is it that I am expected to pick up the kids, cook them dinner, do their laundry, but them food and do mom things and then not be able to act like a mother in other respects.” You got it. This is one of the main problems I have when BMs and SKs come in and say, something along the lines of, it’s not your kid so back off. You can’t discipline them or even look cross-eyed at them, but you certainly should be doing everything else to cater to little Timmy’s needs whenever he is at you and your husband’s home. Yes, you see little Timmy is in charge. It is not you and your husband’s home. He is my child, so when he is at your house, I expect him to be in charge. He is my possession, and no other woman better even get near my little Timmy. He is mine. So, I don’t want you doing anything for him other than catering to his every whim, and I certainly don’t want you loving him. Forget that. When I divorced my husband, I expected him to go to hell. I didn’t expect him to marry another woman and possibly have a good life, so I’m going to make everyone pay for it, and you better believe I’m going to blame the dispensable SM every chance I get. So, don’t you dare discipline my child, but yes, keep cleaning and cooking for him. I really want those free baby-sitting services on the weekend so I can go out on a date. Really! “. . . you aren't his mother and if that comment hurts you, it means you are expecting him to think of you as a mother or are trying to be his mother.” We all know when little Timmy comes to visit, the SM is supposed to politely pick up her things, go in the nearest room and lock the door and not come out until little Timmy has left the building. That would be the perfect world. Sorry, felt dancemom33 needed a little humor. BUT, there are definite truths above. It is not easy being a SM, and you will be seen by all as being dispensable: BM, SKs and yes, even DH, at least at times. BUT, also remember despite what everyone will try to imply, you are not to blame for the divorce in the least, because, believe me, no matter how many years after the divorce you and your hubby got together, you will be blamed for that, and yes, do look out for yourself. And, yes, your DH should be doing the bulk of disciplining whenever possible. Start now and make things easier on yourself. It is possible to have a great relationship with your DH, and then for your DH to have his family issues, that you have him handle himself as much as possible.