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DH using his only vacation time to be with SD, not new born son!

Buzybee82's picture

Hello my besties! So every year my DH gets 2 weeks paid vacation at work. Also gets SD ( his daughter) for 2 weeks in summer. Every year we don't go on vacation cuz he saves all his PTO for the 2 wks SD here in summer, which drives me crazy but i deal with it to avoid a fight. This year I'm due with his first and only son July 4th. Today he informed me he's going to put his PTO request in for the 2wks SD here, and use NONE when i have the baby! I said so you're going to be with me at the hospital for the birth then go back to work leaving me here with a new born and a two year old?!?! He said "yup!" I'm so annoyed. I was at LEAST hoping he would use a week of his PTO to be here with us, help with baby and adjusting to having a new born and two year old... but no! As usual it's all about SD! To me it just shows where his priorities are, ALWAYS! Really, how often does your wife give birth, how often do you have SD for vacations!?! What do you think? Am i being unreasonable? Should he use all his PTO to spend time with SD, or should he spend some time with new baby? Should it be 50-50, or even use all 2 wks with new baby? Thank you all for always helping me!

Anon2009's picture

If he doesn't see SD a lot, I think it should be 50-50. It's the only possible middle ground there is.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

This would drive me crazy!!!!!!!!He could have used at least half of his holiday for being there for you, such a jerk!!!!!!!!And YUP???? What an answer is thia?Sounds like he is an inconsiderate asshole.HUGS

oncechoosetosmile's picture

HRNYC, hang on a second, this is not the point.The point is to make the most of the very first days with the baby and bond as a new family and adjust!Plus also helping the mum to cope with the newborn and a 2 year old.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

This is to my opinion not so much the point ,HRNYC, I also think it is important to spend time with his older child, but I am a birth mother and the first days with a newborn are crazy, there is incredible love and bonding , but also stress and adjustment going on.Many mothers getting overwhelmed and even blue.Do you really think that this SO should spend his whole holidays with his SD and ignore the normal need of his wife and their newborn baby???My god,yes, if he has only those two days, I think because of those very special circumstances SD should get a few days only with daddy taking time off since he has two other children and a vulnerable wife!!!!I would invite SD over on a few weekends in addition maybe if this should be an issue which shouldnt be due to common sense!

Disneyfan's picture

Are you open to having SD there when you have the baby? If so, change the dates of her visit.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Imasmom, I am a mom of three (and stepmum of one of course) many birth kids do you have? I completely disagree with you and stand for what I have said before- whenever possible I wish for every woman who gives birth and has a brand new baby that her husband/SO whatever can be there for her for at least a few days.After birth the mother is usually exhausted and needs and deserves some help with her newborn, especially if a 2 year old is involved.Somebody who helps with the meals and is simply there.It seems as if you haven't had that in your life and I feel honestly sorry for you not having anybody helping you.Probably you don't even have given birth at all- jsut assuming, no judgement.
It is not about the holiday weeks with his daughter it is all about not being able to take any days off for the birth and after since if he takes those two weeks of there are no days left for his wife.

knucklehead's picture

Too funny. I am a birth mom to 3 and stepmom to one (or I was back when the kids were little) and totally agree with Imasmom.

Maybe some women are just better able to "pull up their big girl panties" and handle what needs handling. It's a baby, not the apocalypse! Smile
Daddy can "help with meals" when he gets off work.

knucklehead's picture


OMG, I love your post. Women seem to think that giving birth is this unbelievably challenging thing that they just can't handle without a ton of fanfare and sympathy.
By the time I had my last kiddo, I had SD in about 2nd or 3rd grade, son starting kindergarten, son in a double stroller with his infant sister in the back.
No, their father didn't take weeks of PTO to "bond, help" whatever. He didn't have it, and I was a big girl who could handle things.

Does OP's SD see her dad only in the summer? EOW? Will your DH see his "first and only" son every day of his life?

Good thing you aren't giving birth in Asia... you would just drop the kid in the rice field, strap it on your back, and get back to work.

Kate2007's picture

Och. That's a little harsh. I don't believe she's playing the helpless woman role but is hurt that her DH isn't giving this presious moment the recognition it deserves. A few days today to adjust is a more than reasonable request. Wanting someone you love to share in special moments with you isn't selfish and asking someone to help when you believe you will need it isn't being weak.

Buzybee82's picture

holy f! ok to clarify a few points, DH has SD every other weekend, Wednesday's every week, winter break, spring break, 2wks in summer, fathers day, every other memorial and labor day, plus all the other times skeezy bm dumps SD on us cuz she wants to party or can't handle being a mom. I believe legally he's got something like 40% of the time. NOT JUST TWO WEEKS IN THE SUMMER! And I'm not a helpless mother, I am a damn good mom! Same thing when i gave birth to our daughter two years ago, he used his vacation time with SD and didn't stay home with me. I am fine taking care of my children, I've been voicing to him about how different its going to be with a new baby and a very active 2yr old. All I'm saying is its not every year we give birth to babies and it would be " nice" if he would use some of his two weeks off to be home with the baby... since it is every year we have her for two weeks in the summer! wow, I have to say the way these replies went were a little harsh! I'm not a f-ing pussy that can't handle my babies! Thanks to all that didn't reply with rude responses! I was under the assumption this site was for support, not a competition of who's the most bad-ass mother that can have kids without support from loved ones! Damn people... having a bad day?!

realitycheckmom's picture

I can't believe that no one understands. I see your point and agree. Maybe some need to justify this behavior in their husbands. I gave birth to my DD with my mom and a friend. I told FDH that while I can go it alone it would be nice to have a father that gave a flip. FDH said your husband should want to spend time with you and the new baby. He always did with his kids.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Buzy, don't worry or feel misunderstood, it's only the same voices that feel the need to call out and attack any person who vents.I believe you are very entitled to your feelings here and it doesn't make you a bad stepmom at all.Just ignore those self-declared "super-moms", they probably never had a caring partner and therefore want every other woman to suffer, too, lol

napamom's picture

You have every right to want your DH there for the week following your son's birth and I would be livid if mine pulled this on me. Ignore the negative comments on here, you are not in the wrong and I am sure you are a very strong and competent mother! Good luck and kiss that sweet boy from me!

Orange County Ca's picture

As I understand it Daddy will be in town for the birth - just won't take time off from work.

Unless someone else was going to be there I would have taken one week to be with Mom the OP here. Mom's still die during childbirth and suffer complications both physical and mental from birthing and someone should be with her for a few days at least.

Yes Mom's did deliver kids in the mud of the field and get up and continue the harvest but really do they need to be that tough in the Western World today?

Rest assured he'll pay for this for the rest of his married life and never know why.

Buzybee82's picture

knucklehead & imasmom seem to be the only bad ass' with their "big girl panties" on... all of us that see the actual point must just be wearing out "pull ups"!

realitycheckmom's picture

LMAO This is his son and his first son but he diminishes the child's birth by choosing to stay with SD. A child is only born once and those first few days are important but to me it seems the dad thinks the kid that is already here is more important. Sorry but if SM slighted SD this way I am sure the dad would be very unhappy.

Just because women gave birth in the field and went right back to work does not mean it was right or that we have not evolved past that crude mentality. Well some of us have.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

yes, and this arrongance how knucklehead presents herself as the greatest and capable mom in the world in contrast to us looser moms nd birth whingers makes me laugh.....if you are so problem free and great in what you are doing, how come you are here??I don't mind other stepmoms who are a bit further down the line and have more experience to share their wisdom and support, this is greatly appreciated, but you are not one of them, knuckle.All we get from you is the shits and your obvious enjoyment in sharing the need to make it clear that you are soooooo much better and sooooo much tougher or sooooo much more smarter....Typical for people with low confidence, but seriously, it sucks by now.

Buzybee82's picture

They're just angry jealous women... no wonder their SO don't want to be around them and they're left alone to raise their enormous families. I'm sorry but all legally employed people get time off from work. I guess all sites have to have the negative know it all women to be rude and put down the others that are here to support each other. I agree, if they're so great why the f are they on this site any way?! They should be fabulous selling authors with all their wondrous wisdom. Who needs Dr.Phil when you've got these pleasant ladies around!
Personally I'm not on here cuz I'm perfect and know all the answers... being a step mom/ having a blended family is the hardest job i have! Gawd if only i was as perfect as they are!

Buzybee82's picture

imasmom... just read your bio. You're not even a step mom, you're not married and you have 1 DD, so where the hell do you get off being so high and mighty about this topic?! really, I'd LOVE to know. Just cuz your mom has step kids doesn't give YOU the right to criticise us that do. You and you bf broke up... ending your " step mom" role. You've had 1 kid, again this post is about having a baby and a 2yr old and a step daughter. Having 1 kid is completely different than having a baby and a toddler, but you wouldn't know that would you?! please keep your un educated guesses to yourself and only talk about things you really know! Let people that actually understand the situation respond without you giving your rude, know nothing about the topic response.

Brooklyn826's picture

I agree with you, these people are a little rude....ever think that they are the ones having to deal with step-moms of their own and they are taking out their "jealousy" on step moms here? Typed it in to Google and this is what popped up? I totally sympathize with your completely "human" feelings and reactions to this,but maybe I'll try some POSITIVE advice. Make sure to make a personal invitation to the SD to be there when the baby is born. Welcome her with open arms into the new life of your child. Maybe suggest to her giving the child something personal to always keep when it is born.Then after the first day and being with the family welcoming the baby you and SD have a couple days alone with the baby.

"Just trying to help"

oncechoosetosmile's picture

LIKE!!! Biggrin

BSgoinon's picture

All drama aside...
I can understand wanting Dh to be around for the first couple of weeks. Sounds like he has a reasonable amount of custody, to be able to spend some time with SD and with you and baby, and not have to spend every waking minute with SD.

Have you suggested possibly trying to move the 2 weeks with SD to a few weeks after baby is born so you and DH can get adjusted to sleeping patterns and such without having to worry about entertaining SD?

hippiegirl's picture

I'd be angry as hell if my man chose spending time with one of the skids, instead of being there for me while I gave birth to HIS child! I'm so sorry buzybee. Sucks. It makes me feel sad for you and your soon to be son. This is the kind of shit that makes stepmoms resentful of skids.

Buzybee82's picture

hippiegirl....i couldn't agree more, this IS the stuff that makes us resentful. And since DH told me this I've tried texting and sending an e mail with my thoughts asking for his logic, but he hasn't responded. I haven't brought it up on person cuz I'm afraid I'll be emotional and get pissed and start a fight.
I doubt DH spent time with SD's BM.... long story short they were broke up when she "magically" got pregnant... she told DH she was on IUD, which to this day he's dumb enough to believe! BM once slipped up and told me she was on the pill, but not really talking it at the time. She's a total skeeze bag!

biggestregretofmylife's picture

Bottom line. We don't give birth everyday. If the SD is invited, He should do it while explaining how important it is that he be there for the birth. It is his responsibility to show his daughter how she should be treated in the future if she so chooses to have a baby. Wanting the father at the birth of your child is not unreasonable. This womans intent was not to take time from the SD but to insure that the father didn't miss such a special moment in their lives. I'm glad to see the supportive comments. This is why we struggle, ladies. We don't support each other like we should in ALL areas of our lives.

ItAlmostWorked's picture

It would seem a caring response from DH would be in order. No matter what his reasons for wanting to use his 2 weeks for when SD is visiting, he wasn't even open to your concerns. He sounds a bit cold and heartless about the situation when I think just about ANY Mom to be might prefer he appear interested to meet his new child and be a participating father just for a few days.

I am sorry BuzyB. If I were in your shoes, I would find his response hurtful.

M.L. Lee's picture

I'm both a stepchild and a stepmother. I understand where you're coming from, since you're going to have the baby. If it were me, I'd prefer to have him spend half the time (1 week) with his daughter and half with you and the baby. However, if he only sees his daughter 2 weeks out of the entire year, I can completely understand why he wants to spend the entire vacation time he has with her. Honestly, people make mistakes, and obviously there were some in his first marriage or relationship in which he had his daughter. You have to respect that she was there first, she doesn't get to see her father often, and he really does owe her a lot. A stepchild is often emotionally distraught, I know I still am, and it requires high sensitivity to deal with the situations they're put in. Where else are they going to get the sympathy? People think it's not a big deal, but it truly is. He probably feels somewhat guilty too for simply being separated from her mother and putting her through a family life like this. You need to respect that. You knew he had a daughter before marrying him I presume and so you should have been fully aware that she holds high importance and the utmost priority in his life. She's his child for crying out loud. And I understand that your two-year old and baby are as well, but come on, they already have it better having both parents with them anyways. I know it's hard to be alone for a large part of the day while he's at work when you have the baby but understand that he can be with you and the kids for the majority of the year. Show some maturity about it by accepting that his daughter doesn't have much time with him and it's important for him to get every second in with her.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

So... I must not be a big girl because DH has said he will take off a month of work (which he is able to) just to BOND with me and our new baby when we have one. I don't know, women are still vulnerable after giving birth, they are still recovering, no matter how much we want to say modern technology is improved, there is always that chance and any and all help would be greatly appreciated, if not deserved. This is not about supporting the baby more than it is about supporting his wife, and caring for her in a new and special time. By the way, my DH says your DH "Is an insensitive prick and deserves a kick in the balls. If someone had vacation time, who wouldn't want to spend at least half or most of it bonding with the new baby and not be bogged down by work?"

We spend all this time saying 'kids are first! kids are first!' yet it only applies to the stepchildren?

I think the fairest would be one week for SD and one week for your new baby, not both weeks for SD, no matter how little of a time he may see her. It might help reinforce the bond with SD a little, but I can guarantee that this may very well root it into the relationship and cause resentment and hurt his marriage which can break it down later. But you see, from your post you have her every week, so that's a pretty reasonable amount of time.

Yeesh. I don't know, but man, after reading some of these posts from women who "are big girls" out of necessity makes me damn glad my DH is the way he is so I don't have to be.

Because of this post, I apologized to him for giving him an attitude this morning because I know I have it good.

I'm sad for you as well, and I wouldn't have stayed with a man like this.

hippiegirl's picture

I just wanted to say, it's funny how step families have evolved during the last 40 years. Nowadays, it's ALL about the step kids & avoiding hurt feelings. When I was growing up, it was ALL about the new spouse and the new kids. If I didn't like who my parents got remarried to & had kids with, tough shit.

Buzybee82's picture

Thank you all for your replies and opinions. I can't begin to tell you how sick and tired I am of SD coming first before every thing else. I totally understand how difficult the situation is, and feel terrible that a child has to go through life dealing with a " blended family" obviously in a perfect world i would hope no kids have to go through that. I TOTALLY get and agree that kids come first.... but to a point! My grandma always said after the kids are all grown up and out of the house it's the husband and wife that are still there, and to some degree you have to prioritize your marriage. I don't agree that step kids should come in between a marriage, especially when the marriage also has kids involved! It your always putting the step kid first and it rips apart your marriage then your kids will be in the same situation as the step kids! I'm not at all saying screw the step kids, I'm saying there needs to be balance. Just like this situation.... there's more than the step kid in three picture. There's the wife (me) the marriage, the bio kids, and the step kid. I think it should at least be 50/50 with the PTO. I think these days with all the blended families the parent/child relationships have become to equal... too much on the same level. IMO my DH is blinded by quilt, and it regularly come in the way of logical thinking & parenting.

Buzybee82's picture

DH finally opened his eyes!!! I had let this go since we last talked about it, sent him a e-mail ( got no response) and just waited. Finally asked him today if he put is request in at work for time off and he told me he's only gonna use 1/2 the time off with SD and the other 1/2 when baby born! I'll take it!!! I told him thanks and how much that meant to me! I've learned over the past 7 years of being a blended family it's all in the timing and presentation of bringing up these "issues".
Being a step mom is the hardest thing i do in my life, and trying to keep the marriage together...I still have so many issues to bring up with him regarding SD, but have decided to enjoy my victory for now and bring them up one by one later.
Thank you all for your support, I can't tell you how much this site has helped me and my marriage/family.
I really hope we can all help each other through these issues and prevent some divorces from happening! The divorce rate for someone marrying someone that already has kids(and u don't already have kids) is 75%!!!!! let's all work together to get those #'s down, and keep our "core" families together!
Haha I'm so positive today, but let's see what I'm saying next Friday when we get SD again!!!
Thank you, love you all my little marriage helpers!

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Good for you!!!!!!!!!!I am happy that he finally made up his mind in a fair way!!!I didn't find that funny at all what he said and I am glad he changed his mind.Horrayyyy!

Jada's picture

Glad he changed his mind! I know how hard it is esp when dealing with dads and daughters. You are never put first. So this was a nice change!

janeyc's picture

If my partner did'nt take off some time when I was due to give birth, I would cut this balls off, this is a special time and he should be there, he could have saved a week for you and the baby, some people have been very unfair to you, my father took time off work for both of my mothers births and that was 40 yrs ago, why the hell is it unreasonable to expect some support from him, I just don't get it, If I was you I'd make him change the dates of this holiday, don't listen to this unsympathetic woman, I don't have my own children but I know that my partner would take off time for me if I was due to give birth, it would be a deal breaker for me, anyway congratulations on your impending birth, I wish you all the best Smile