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DH Finally working!!

DCblended's picture

After reminding him multiple times about how serious I am about the uncoming consequences of him not working, and him keeping saying he has a job coming up in April, he finally just took action and just started Uber Eats. The pay is not great, but at least he's finally working, I just need to ensure that he sticks with it at least full time, otherwise the consequences are still in place.

I kept telling him if it were me and I couldn't support my kids financially, I'd do whatever I could find, even a $10/hr online job. I kept saying that and looks like (I hope) it sunk in.

Kaylee's picture

Well done. 

Make sure he sticks at it!

ESMOD's picture

That's a small step in a better direction.. but to be honest.. uber eats is not really a "job".. it's something most people do in their spare time to pick up a little extra cash.. it's a job you have along with other jobs. or full time job.  

I would not let this rest there. I would tell him.. great.. that's a start... keep looking for the full time job.

You could also set a dollar amount he must contribute to your householde on top of whatever child support he may be obligated to.. and if he meets that through uber eats.. and you are doing ZERO subsidizing.. you can give it a bit of a rest.

DCblended's picture

100% agree. I am hesitant, because it is just a small step. I told him, he needs to make at least $37K/year (which is about half of his salary 2.5 years ago....) which is easily doable with a 40 hr/week job at $18/hr. I already told him I'm fully capable to take care of the whole family, even his daughter as long as he is putting in the hours to make money. The ONLY thing I cannot do is drop off SD at school, because I also have to drop my daughters, and they go to school on opposite ends of our city. I feel like this is very generous on my part, considering I'll also always be working part-time.

If he can't put in the effort, the consequences are still in place.

Rags's picture

Your income is not at issue. Nor is your effort.

He, is the deadbeat and needs a foot up his butt to get him contributing.

I understand periodic lapses in employment.  I just ended an 8mo unemployment period myself.  My first day back to work was 2wks after my final week of unemployement benefits.  My new role is 30% lower salary than my prior salary though it is almost 8X what my unemployment was.

Do not use words that will allow him to weasel out of stepping up.  

Winterglow's picture

Why the heck hasn't he been working on getting his certification(s) while unemployed? He should have been working on becoming more employable.

Uber Eats is only marginally better than nothing - you use your own vehicle, you pay your own gas, if you have an accident, you have no insurance cover from your "employer". 

Should the April job fall through or should it be only temporary, I would insist that he apply to any burger joint for a job. He can keep his Uber Eats gig for working in his time off - he NEEDS a steady and reliable source of income. He has a LOT of financial catching up to do with you.

DCblended's picture

exactly. I didn't talk about "catching up", but I the expectation is clear to the both of us that he will do any work possible (yes even a burger joint at 35 years of age) from April onward. I am firm about it and there are consequences in place.

His ex sent him a nasty message today about me, the "evil wife". I don't like my SD, I don't like her arrogant personality, but I take care of her and I am polite, always say hi and how are you, I don't tell her how I feel about her, I ensure consequences are equal among all of our kids. I believe that checks off all my duties as a stepmother. I am getting used to her presence in our family, despite her character. But I told my DH, if you don't want to financial support her, she needs to spend more time at her mom's. We already have 3 other children to support and a large rent. I'm sure given how his ex feels about my care of her, she would love to have more parenting time with her daughter. 

ndc's picture

I have a friend whose fiance hasn't worked in 2 years. He pretended to look for a job, but wasn't really.  Now he's waiting to look for a "real" job until they relocate several states away (to live with his mommy, notwithstanding that he's in his mid 30s!). That'll buy him several months, as she won't finish her professional degree until May. He's a total loser IMO, but she doesn't want to hear it.  He finally got a Door Dash job a few weeks ago, but there's no doubt he did it to shut her up for the time being, as he's not actually making any money at it based on his hours and expenses.  I don't know why self respecting women put up with guys like this. I hope your H is sincere about working this job fulltime and then taking on a new,  better paying full time job in April. Sadly, my friend's loser fiance is just going through the motions. At least his only child is with her and not another woman. Good luck!

DCblended's picture

given the consequences I put in place (see above comment), he'll for sure make it happen. We share a bank account so I can see how much money he'll be bringing in. 

ESMOD's picture

face palm.. you SHARE a bank account?  Why on earth are you doing that?  it makes zero sense and puts you incredibly at risk from him spending your hard earned money.

Harry's picture

At lunch time and dinner time. Only money you make from Uber is 11 am to 1 pm. And 4 pm to 7 pm.  Depending on where you live. This is not a real job,  Why not Walmart. He will get 40 hours of work /pay per week.

'Hate to tell you. You have a man who will not work for some reason.  You should tell him get a real job or get out.

walfredo's picture

ie there are no interviews or things like that.  no predetermined or mandatory schedule. etc  It is a very low commitment thing to do. No collegues you see at work etc.

There does seem to be a real aversion to lower level employment.  This can be a mental block if he is embarrassed or whatever.

My wife's ex went their entire 8 year marriage without holding a job. He went back to college at around 30 and spent 7 years earning an AA through MBA... Not sure why he couldn't work at all during that time, but whatever he didn't.  After he got his MBA he didn't find a job, or look particularly hard for one.  They had a young kid at the time.  They got divorced...

Anyway afterward he found an entry level job, about 1 year later he met a new lady and moved in with he and now about 10 years later he is still employed.  Doesn't make a lot of money, but has went from 8 years of consecutive unemployment as an adult to 10 years straight of holding a job... 

The catalyst seemed to be that he figured out no one was going to pay all of his bills for him anymore.

ESMOD's picture

So, in an earlier post, you said that his friend would confirm whether he would have an opening in April.. by Mid February..

Has that happened..?// 

Have you seen proof.. that his friend actually will hire him?  and.. why not now? if he is such a wonderful friend.. who wants to hire him.. why has he not given him work over the last almost THREE years that he has been unemployed?

look.. no one is unemployed for a year unless they WANT to be unemployed.. your BF is using you.. he likes that you can afford to foot his bills.. why should he do more.. you say there are consequences.. well.. it's been over 2 years.. why will it matter NOW?  and why would he even feel like a real man if he is living off of you.. 

honestly.. he sounds pathetic.. uber eats.. hahah.. nice try.. a job he only has to do if he feels like it.. and he can claim.. "oh it was slow when I logged on..".. 

and why are you holding him to some low bar anyway.. you want to be married to a loser that has the skills to be nothing more than a walmart greeter?  I mean.. what did he used to do..? what CAN he do? and why do you think no one hires him? is he sloppy.. late.. poor speaker.. arrogent jerk?  What?

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I've known a few unemployed guys who worked at Home Depot or Academy until they found their "dream job." Both are relatively manly jobs, and if fulltime, have benefits. A hardware store or auto parts store are also options. It's one thing to take your time if you have savings you can live off, another to be completely dependent and dragging your feet. 

ESMOD's picture

My Brother in law worked for Lowes.. until he landed a better job with his current company.

There are also jobs that will give a lot of people a chance.. like a car dealership salesperson.. I know that job isn't for everyone.

When you move beyond a year.. and when so many places have been lamenting finding good quality workers who will simply SHOW UP.. it is incredulous that he hasn't worked for almost three years.

Honestly.. someone who is that unemployable.. when construction flaggers make like 20 dollars an hour?  it's intentional at this point.


Exjuliemccoy's picture

And girl, why are you allowing him access to YOUR money? Big no no. Why are you okay with supporting HIS child? These practices only take resources away from you and your children.

You're enabling him -  actually preventing him from experiencing the consequences of his poor choices. He's gotten waaay too comfortable with living off you, in part because you've allowed him to. Ask yourself, what does it say about his character that he's okay with this?


DCblended's picture

Wow you guys are crazy passionate.  To answer some questions he got a half confirmation about the job in April, so yeah that doesn't count.  He knows that there is the April deadline and there is no way he wants to reduce custody %. Knowing that woman if my DH makes a request like that she'll do everything she can to take it all the way to 90/10 or something like that. . And I told him if he doesn't follow through with changing custody I'm putting our toddler in private daycare and leaving him.  2 years is enough.  Yes he did take care of our baby while I worked but not enough to make it worthwhile. The next update will be in April. 


And I'm not worried about sharing an account because he is careful never gives me a reason to think he buys unnecessary things. I check regularly.  I've told him if I ever feel that way I'll set up separate accounts. 

Harry's picture

I really doubt he will get and hold a good job. That pays well.  Either it will be a low paying job where he dress up is a suite. Or will be losing the job because everyone else will out work him. Like show up, show up on time, actuall bring in money for company.  
'You unfortunately let this slide to long.  Walmart what's easy there are many place lie it at $15 a hour $30,000 a year  to make $37,000 on Uber he will be working 7 days a week lunch. dinner, and late night. If you are in a area that can aford Uber 

'people in big city's where they electric bike the orders.  To apartment buildings. Where you take three orders at a time make money.  But also the best money is in bad weather. People don't want to go our in the rain, snow, cold, heat and order a lot then. People order a lot on superbowl sunday. Your life is working on fun weekends 

SteppedOut's picture

Chic, what has happened in your life that allows you to accept this as a mate? 

Seriously. Take a moment to ponder why you accept this low level individual as your mate. I accepted crap treatment because my mother was a narcissist and treated me poorly; it was all I knew. 

After YEARS of supporting this dude (and his freaking kid!), you are rejoicing because he is going to uber drive? This is probably going to be a net loss job with the extra gas, car insurance and wear on the vehicle (that I assume is your to boot!??).

You deserve better!!! 

DCblended's picture

Sounds familiar. I wasn't loved much growing up and my ex (my girls' dad) treated me badly, he was a narcissist, did minor physical abuse and sexual manipulation, gaslighting, things like that, it was a terrible, terrible time. 

But my DH is pretty nice and loving most of the time and cooks 95% of the meals (he's a great cook), but yes, he has been lazy about the job, so that's why I have told him the deadline. He has less than a month until we let his ex know she can have SD most of the time rather than 50/50. That outcome would make me very happy, can't stand her. I can see that he will make excuses, but I'm going to stand firm with this one. 


But thanks, will post again at the beginning of April with an update

Thumper's picture

Do you pay his child support and child's medical expenses, clothing expenses, activities. Stuff like that?

What part of the financial obligation inside the court order DO YOU pay?

DCblended's picture

Child support - he doesn't pay anything

Medical expenses - she doesn't have any, when she went to the dentist last, I believe the mom paid as she knows DH is unemployed

Clothing expenses - the grandma buys a lot at her birthday so we rarely buy clothes for her, maybe $100-200/year

Activities/outings - yes, I 100% pay for those


There is no court order.