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DH ex-wife new job not healthy choice for children

ginalee's picture

My DH has 40% custody. Kids are 12,14,15. We have been married 5 years now. His ex has begun a new job that requires out of state travel 10 working days per. month. The travel days are two-days here three-days there.Her request is that we change our schedule to accomodate her work schedule. Which means instead of weekends we have the kids weekdays. My husband is easily intimidated by her as he never recovered from the bashing he took from their divorce 13 years ago. He is soon to see a therapist. Until then I believe that she will ignore the stress the kids will be subjected to, and unless my husband communicates she will as always force the kids into an unhealthy, stressful schedule. As it is, the kids are over-booked (9 activities per week!)and of course obediant and obligated to do what their mother tells them. She is Filipino and from a poor, poor family. I feel she is insecure at parenting skills and rarely parents her children, always puts them in the hands of others to raise. Since babies they have been in daycare, afterschool daycare and school activities. They rarely get home before 8:30pm and on weekends are booked with activities. Shall we go back to mediation to review and revise the custody agreement?

ginalee's picture

Yes, and there's history here. For example, she flew in from a 3-day trip and the kids were sound asleep at 11pm on a school night. She insisted on coming and picking them up, taking them to her house for the night. They had to wake up the next morning early for school then back to our house for the weekend. Come on, the kids were exhausted the next day. They didn't want to get up, but as usual they are obedient to her. Thats just one of the many inconsiderate things she does. That and over-scheduling them on our weekend when they'd rather just stay home on the couch with us and watch movies. I think it's probably just a power-play. How do you deal with that sort of thing? It's constant.

ginalee's picture

Yes, and there's history here. For example, she flew in from a 3-day trip and the kids were sound asleep at 11pm on a school night. She insisted on coming and picking them up, taking them to her house for the night. They had to wake up the next morning early for school then back to our house for the weekend. Come on, the kids were exhausted the next day. They didn't want to get up, but as usual they are obedient to her. Thats just one of the many inconsiderate things she does. That and over-scheduling them on our weekend when they'd rather just stay home on the couch with us and watch movies. I think it's probably just a power-play. How do you deal with that sort of thing? It's constant.

ojykceb's picture

If it HONESTLY causes stress for the kids, you might want to re-visit custody. Or does this feel like a power play to you from the BM? I know for me, I have experienced so many power plays from the BM that I think EVERYTHING is a power play. I have a question, why is it all of a sudden a god given requirement to have kids involved in so many "activities"? That is just crazy. We don't get to do EVERYTHING we want in life. If this is not a power play on the part of BM, I'd try to find a way to work with it, but in the same breath, I would have the kids pick 1 activity each that they are willing to give up. I couldn't enjoy my kids while I was rotating them around the planet and what values were they getting from me? There wasn't enough time to learn anything from me but how to be a glorified taxi driver and open wallet. Oh, and if hubby is too much of a wimp, take some control. You don't deserve to have everything dictated to you.

ginalee's picture

You nailed it here when you said, "I have a question, why is it all of a sudden a god given requirement to have kids involved in so many "activities"? That is just crazy. We don't get to do EVERYTHING we want in life". And even more powerful when you said, "I couldn't enjoy my kids while I was rotating them around the planet and what values were they getting from me? There wasn't enough time to learn anything from me but how to be a glorified taxi driver and open wallet."
I look both of those statements and it is precisely the situation. Time and time again I have said to my husband, "I have never seen anything like this before. These kids never get any downtime unless there's a sick day or unscheduled event on our weekend." What is sad is that the kids know nothing other than this type of lifestyle...
We are not prone to accomodating her new job because she is not capable of making healthy choices for the kids...If she chooses to lose 10 of the 20 custody days to traveling with her new job then it is beneficial for the kids to gain 10 days with us where they can rest and relax more. What is concerning is that she is looking at getting a "nanny" to live-in those 10 travel days a month instead of considering the time with us. Again, it is like you said a power-play. Instead of what should be the benefits for the children.