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DH is driving me NUTS regarding DD

confusedsm11's picture

As usual, this weekend has been hectic. We woke up this morning and DH told me he would wake up with the kids. Well, I tried to fall back to sleep but DH decided to give the 2 boys a bath at 7:30am so I hear loud playing, then SS4 screaming as DH washes his hair so I gave up on sleep. When I wake up with the kids (which is most of the time) I try my best to keep them quiet to let DH get some rest but maybe men just view things differently. I then pulled him aside and suggested that maybe washing SS hair with DS in the bath too wasnt a good idea bc I don't want DS to think that screaming bloody murder is what you are supposed to do in the tub. (SS told me that HIS sister screams like that in the tub which is why he is so scared to have his hair washed). Anyway, DH flips it around on me and starts complaining about my DD, as usual. I let it go. DH takes the boys to a party and DD and I go to a friends graduation. We get home at dinner time and DD was BOUNCING off hte walls. I mean her attitude was off the charts, she was screaming, crying, stomping, etc. I punished her, DH punished her, etc. It seemed like we were yelling at her all night.I have been telling DH that the lack of communication we have it driving me crazy. And I asked him soo many times over the last few months to come up with a parenting plan with me, which he refused. Well I am not against him parenting DD6 at all but I do disagree with the way he is trying to handle it and I repeatedly tell him this but he is not listening to me and just keeps going. He has now grounded DD from TV for 2 days bc she refused to brush her teeth in a timely manner. So whatever, punish her BUT the point is that I SPECIFCIALLY told him I DO NOT AGREE with him and yet he CONTINUES to punish her without discussing punishments, rules, behaviors and expectations. I know if I did that to SS, he would flip shit. I don't punish SS and I don't yell at him, etc. I leave that all to DH bc its not worth the fight. DD father is not in the picture so I fully let DH accept that role but I don't think its fair that he is making harsh punishments and not handling the situations for DD in a way that I find acceptable. I want to come to an acceptable agreement...a standard that we both can obide by but he wont listen to me. He's real quick to tell me what I do wrong, etc. I thought maybe tonight he would discuss things with me. Well he put SS to bed and then disappeared. I go upstairs and he is in bed! I mean we haven't spent any time together all week (Ha as usual) and I have things I want to talk about and he goes to bed! He asked me after we returned today if I missed him and I responded "about as much as you missed me" and he said he didn't miss me at all. I mean he is seriously such a jerk. I think I might just have to disengage from him bc he is worse than all 3 kids combined on the stress level. When we married he was open, compassionate, loving...now he is a closed book, with NO level of intimacy or desire to even talk to me...so I guess tonight I will sit here on steptalk.org and read through others blogs to make me feel not so alone in the world!

confusedsm11's picture

I get that even bio parents don't always agree and I try not to disagree with him too much but to watch him get explosive angry all the time with DD and SS gets away with murder around here...it makes me angry! I wonder if his intentions are to teach her or show her I'm KING KONG and you must listen to me but SS has no rules...might I add, this is why DD acts out sometimes too and she will tell me that..."well SS does it, so why can't I", "SS acts this way and doesn't get in trouble" etc. so its just very frustrating

lucybee825's picture

I can sympathize as I had similar issues a few months ago. I bottled everything up and got real angry because my SO wouldn't talk with me or would shut down and became distant. Well it ended up in one HUGE blow up fight and we ended up breaking things off. I was devastated and heartbroken. I never wanted to end it, just to talk, but the way I handled it and all the resentment and anger I'd built up came out in one huge mess and he simply didn't know what to do with it but to end it. Thankfully after about a week of no contact and then a month of slowly re-introducing ourselves we are back on track, but it wasn't easy.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you do truly love this man and want to be with him, which is something you need to sit down and really figure out without all the anger, you may need to take a step back and cool off a little bit. Really think about this, though. It's so easy to get blinded with the day to day annoyances of blending families. Then when it's all gone? If you're like me and you adore the man then you will be completely lost when all that isn't around. I learned with my SO that constantly railing on him or whining that we have to "talk" really just pushes him further away and does no good. He'd do the same thing yours is doing - just disappear and go to sleep. I'd sit up half the night LIVID. I do know how you feel. I think men just get freaked when women get really emotional or angry and when we say we have to "talk" they freeze sometimes. I try not to do that with my SO anymore. I just wait until we are relaxed and having some time together and I try to bring things up gently and without any pressure. We'll be enjoying a glass of wine, kids in bed or whatever, and I'll say, "So what do you think about. (insert issue)....? and he's WAY more receptive. We're able to have a talk without a fight and work things out.

I think we all, instinctively, defend and protect our own kids. It's just natural. It's not easy to handle from the other end but I think it's just instinct. I know with my SO I really can't discipline his kids, don't like doing it and I know he doesn't like it very much. I never liked him disciplining my kid either, though, he did. We tried to make a parenting plan - set up house rules - the whole nine yards but it was never really implemented or used so I gave up on it. What we ended up agreeing to is that he deals with his kids and I deal with mine. If they are all acting up then we discipline them as a group together. I never say anything negative about his kids to him and if I give any criticism it's only constructive and if he asks my opinion. It seems to be working, though, I have to say. Where his kids and the way he is with them used to annoy the hell out of me and at times he'd ignore me and only spend time with his kids, now he includes me and my son, takes the time to hold my hand or be affectionate when the kids are here, and I see his kids completely differently than I used to. To me they are more like neices and nephews that I can "spoil" a bit and have fun with. I don't have to worry about being a "parent" with them.

Take what I'm saying with a grain of salt though really. It's just my experience and yours could be totally different. All I know is that I'm so happy to have my SO and his kids back in my life (I missed them all so much when we were apart) that I'd not trade the whole thing - even the tough parts - for anything.