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Depressing situation, need advise

DepressingSong's picture

Hi all, I am so happy to find step talk. I was looking for advice for my situation and finally find a place, people don’t just ask you to give love or say things like you knew that he has kids when you met him. So here is my story, sorry this post is going to be long.

I met my SO 5 years ago. Everything was perfect at the beginning. SO is very nice person, always nice to everyone, and has very good patient, which I lack. He has 2 young children. SS was 5 and SD was 3. They are lovely kids and we got along very well for the first 2 years. SO is from a big family, all his family is super nice to me, and we get along very well.

But SO’s ex (BM) is a very interesting character. BM left SO for another man, and she had since dated at least 5 guys as I know. BM claimed that she doesn't believe the capitalism, and never worked. She tried to get diagnosed as mentally handicapped to get into a government program that pays her monthly. But she failed to do that. She always threatens to kill herself if she doesn't get her way. SO was like 247 on call for BM.And she is always trying to get more money from us. SO is never late paying spousal support and child support, even during the time when he lost his job. BM said she is a struggling single mom, and she suffers from depression, and we have double income so we should give her more. The amount SO is paying her was determined by the government formulas and their lawyers, and she initially agreed but continuously asking for more.

2 years ago, SO and I had a baby girl. Things got very bad once the BM found out that I am pregnant. She threatened she will make me regret. After the baby was born, I had to go back to work very early from my mat leave because SO did not have a job at that time. But he found another job soon after that, but need lots of travel out of town. My job is very stressful and I am just exhausted from work. Then I have to do all the housework. SO is a very relaxed person, but I need to get things done. So I end up doing most of them. He spent time with DD when I cook or do the dishes. At the same time, BM calls on regular bases, often in the middle of the night to wake me up, cry that she is depressed and we don’t help her. And she says that I am a greedy bad mom to leave my baby to go back to work, and I should not be allowed to be near her children. She always says that I must be cheating my SO because he is such a loser. SO said not to engage with her as she is crazy. But I just hate him for being so weak, and never stand up for me.

Here is the story with Skids. SS10 doesn't eat well and is quite small for his age. He is also very whiny and has sharp tongue, and he does not like his own sister. He doesn’t like my DD either but doesn’t seem to mind as much, there is 6 yrs difference. He always fights with SD8 and needs to win at all time, otherwise, he cries and screams, until his dad come to rescue him. SS is extremely good at insult people’s cooking, and refuse to apologize when asked to. I stopped cooking anything for him after a couple of years. Whenever they come over to my home, there is always a pile of leftovers. SO just kept making food for him in the hope he will eat something. When the kids say something rude to me, they were just kids and did not mean it. Or I am just overacting. So learned that they are not my kids and I am not welcomed to discipline or even give an opinion. But I am expected to contribute and buying presents. When SS 8 at that time found out one toy I bought was not for him, he throws it at me and did not talk to me for the rest of visit. SO has his kid every Sunday. And 2 different trips every summer just with Skids, and he goes to their every soccer game. But BM wants us to take Skids overnight. The first time SS had a big fight with SD. He first screamed for .5 hrs, then SD .5 hrs and then both of them. I said to SO the next morning, I want my home to be a place I could relax and recharge for the next day, not a drama house. But SO never stopped pressure/guilt me into it. He even offered to rearrange my small bedroom to put a deck bed. I live in a 2 br apartment. And SO is always too nice with all his kids, I can discipline DD, but never with Skids. So I definitely don’t think it will end well if Skids move in with us.

SO and I was broke up when DD was 1. I was extremely disappointed with how SO deal with his ex and all the drama he brought into my life. It was just wasting my time to fight with him when I could spend my little free time with DD. We met with lawyers and had separation agreement done. He promised that things will change, he will finalize his separation agreement with BM, which he initially promised to be finalized by the end of 2013. and that he loves me and DD, he wants to move back.

After our break up, his separation was moving forward a lot, he brought the legal document to show me where things are. And I love him and I did miss him, and DD loves her dad. She was so happy every time her dad came. So slowly he moved back. And I got pregnant again. We are happy. But his separation stopped to progress once again, I don’t know what BM is asking this time, but SO tries to keep it away from me so I don’t get upset.

I have shared my good news with all my family and friends and at work. For his side of the family, I have only told my SIL but I asked her to keep it to herself because we worry Skids will tell their mom and she will cause more problems. I feel like I am living like a rat, always have to hide from BM. Just because she is crazy and has the time, and I just don’t have the energy to deal with her. I have no idea why BM hates my SO so much. He is such a nice person, and she left him. She has been acting like she will do everything she can to make SO's life like a hell. I won't take it personally, but I am just stupid enough to get involved with him. And after reading other posts on the forum, I worry that SKids might become just like their mom. I’m not particular young, but not too old either. It just seems to be a long and miserable life in front of me!

Last few days, I thought again of leaving SO. Or just moving to another city or country to stay away from the BM. I don’t know what to do. It’s depressing!

twoviewpoints's picture

"SO said not to engage with her as she is crazy. But I just hate him for being so weak, and never stand up for me."

Stop hearing about what BM is saying and/or writing. No need to stress yourself out over whatever the crazy lady is b*tching about. Does it matter what garbage flows from BM? Doesn't matter what BM thinks of you. It doesn't matter if BM is always demanding and whining more money. Unless she is actually awarded through the courts and the process additional money and support, she isn't getting it. So why listen to it. Block her number. If she wants or needs to communicate with your SO she can email. Besides, emails can be used as documentation.

Did I follow along correctly, that your SO is still married to BM? You mentioned the separation finals between BM and your SO, or are you just talking about parenting plan and finishing court order on custody and whatnot?

Visitation is on only Sundays for the majority of the year? You might try insisting Dad take his older kids out and about (plenty of free stuff to do for an afternoon) on EOWE. It'd give you two peaceful Sundays and two with the skids. On the days that Dad has the two in your home, take the afternoon to go and do something relaxing that you enjoy. Just tell him the food mess and any other mess from skids have to be done and cleaned by x time (by time you plan on returning).

It doesn't sound as if you are ready to move on and end the relationship so I wouldn't bother going into much else. I'm just going to advise you to find ways to cope currently.

DepressingSong's picture

They were never married. So that's the common law separation agreement about the parenting plan and split of assets.

I fought very hard to keep it on Sundays. Before BM always change it, and she wants us to take the kids whenever she claims she is depressed. But after SO moved back after our separation, I told him I am not going to work around for her emotional status. So it's more set now.

Hey, that's a good idea to go out when skids are at my home! They just ignore me anyways, and they talk with their dad in a different language, so I don't even understand. Hate to be the stranger in my own home.

skatermom's picture

If the Step kids don't clean up and DH doesn't do anything about it, bag everything left out in a garbage bag, put it in your trunk and drive it over to Goodwill. That's what I've been doing, guess what? no one even notices those things are gone!