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Dealing With The EX this really how its going to be?

Haley's picture

I am almost 20 and my boyfriend is 39. We have been together for almost a year, and we have a great relationship. His mother loves me as I do her. We get along GREAT and he also has 3 children. Ages 6,8,9 they are the best and they love me just as much as I love them. He was married for 13 years before he met me. When we met he was seperated from, well lets call her "B" for almost 4 years. When we met we met in Miami beach, I was living there he was on business. We started talking on the phone frequently and he would fly in and out to see me. Finally we made the big jump and I moved in with him. I had never met his children but had spoken to them on the phone many times. We all met and just fell in love with each other. He has 2 boys and a beautiful little girl.
Anyways... my BF warned me about his EX. He told me EVERYTHING, all these crazy stories about how dictating and controling she is. How she never bonded with her children and only used them as pawns to fight with him. She sounded NUTS, but I thought 1. I could handle it and 2. It was no where near as bad as it sounded. Well I WAS WRONG. Before I even met the women she is calling child protective services trying to get the children taken away from my BF because we live together and we are not married. Well that didnt work, but still. She makes our life HELL. I mean HELL she plays game after game with the children, lies about EVERYTHING, tells the children lies about me and my BF. She does whatever she can to make is hell for us. At first I tried to be nice cause I put myself in her shoes and if I was almost 40 years old, over weight and my children could not stand me I would hate me to, but I TRIED TO BE NICE, I tried to keep my cool but now, everytime I see her it ruins my whole week. I dont know what to do. my BF has joint custody. We have them one week and the next week she does so I dont see things changing. Is this how Im gonna have to live my life? Please help.....

stamina's picture

I also have a question...what was your BF's role in the deterioriation of his first marriage? He seems to have shared a lot about his ex's role, but how about his? Nobody is ever %100 at fault for the destruction of a relationship. As well, what does an almost 40 year old have in common with a 20 year old? Will this change with time? Has he done this before? Hmmm....more to this story I think than just an evil ex...think long and hard about this situation...because you are in for a long, winding road called stepfamily life. There is a whole world of people out there with a whole lot less baggage than a middle age man with children. But you have to do what you want to make you happy.

mooch's picture

I just have to say that i am kind of in a little of the same situation. My man is 13 years older than me, I love him very much. I cannot stand his ex-wife. She lies about a lot of things. She is always playing games and she even called him at 3 in the morning asking if he could come pick her up from the bar because no one would give her a ride. She says that she is going to meet him half way to pick up his son and he ends up driving him all the way. He is way to nice to her, I can't take much more of it. It is a very difficult position to be in. The other comment about it being his problem is so true, I think he can deal with her. I think it would be much easier on me.
can't stand Paula

anncanbike's picture

Hate the ex? Only person on earth I hate. Some hate has been b.c. DH does her too many favors, jumps way too high when she says Jump!
But with her lifestyle I can only hope she'll do herself in sooner rather than later (drugs, alcohol, guns, motorcycles, gangs) just hope swins are w/us when "it" happens vs on the back of her motorcycle bc. when you play with pigs you get dirty.

Hopeless's picture

I loved your comments here. However, even thoug you are corect as hard as that is to swallow, I am going through the same thing at the moment. The Ex I have to deal with is extremely controling and will do anything to divide us. She is remarried and has a kid with the new husband, but she is determined to break us appart. The kids are really sweet but are struggling because they are caught in the middle of this childish never ending battle. My BF stands up to her but she is like the energizer bunny. She even has his family against me. They go along with it because she uses the kids against them as ammo.
I am tired of the S#$@. He no won't speak to his family because they hate me and that is sweet but I hate fighting.
I have even tried breaking it off for good because I can't stand to see the kids go through this and it is really hard on my nerves. I feel like I am too young for this but I love him so much. The hardest part is knowing who is telling the truth sometimes. I know she would lie to God himself if it got her what she wanted. Although, he lied to me to because he knows the things that deal with her upset me.
I don't know what to do? I just figure no one will care about me the way he does. I do love him but I am fed up and it is ruining our relationship. I know she has done this to everyone he has dated and it has worked. How do we fight her?

Shell97's picture

Everything that you said, describes my life for the past 10 years. I wish I had some words of advice to give you, but I don't. I honestly do not know how I have stayed with my husband for so long and I am still with him. At one point in our relationship I dealt with his ex for him. Because he could not have a conversation with her, without screaming & cussing. But after so long of trying to deal with her for him and always ending up doing what suited her. I told my DH that I was done. The only time I would deal with her is if I absolutely had to. From then on he had to do it. Since then, he has been dealing with her and from time to time they still have shouting matches & cuss at each other. But I'm not going to worry about it. The only time I do worry about it, is when she mentions anything about me. Then I get involved. So, you need to let your BF deal with his ex and only get involved when it involves you. If you want to stay with him, just be supportive of him & his kids and let him deal with the ex. Though it hasn't happened for me, maybe one day your BF's ex will back off.

Christina's picture

Let me just say I am in a very similar situation. I am 26 and my fiance is 33. He too has 3 children ages 9,7,4. They are wonderful kids and have accepted me completely from day one. They are so excited for us to get married, their mom on the other hand a whole other story. She cheated on my fiance and ended up marrying the other guy 1 month after their divorce. During this time she went on all kinds of antidepressants because she "didn't know if she made the right decision". She started calling my fiance at 2 in the morning saying she was standing in the road wanting a car to hit her and that he needed to come get her all while her new husband and children were sleeping inside (he didn't instead he called her new husband in the house and told him he needed to do something with his wife). She was always calling crying to him that she didn't make the right choice blah blah blah. He told her he was happy with the choice she made because he is happier now for it. Well needless to say that didn't go over well. She too tried taking him to court saying I was a "paramor" (someone who lives with someone before marriage) and he should loose his time with the kids. The courts sent a Guardian at Li Dem out and interviewed me and he loved me and the kids said nothing but good things about me. She has screamed at me and called me every name in the book talking about me to everyone in town to turn around and want to "sit down and talk and be friends" a week later she is NUTS!!!! She tells the kids bad things about me and their dad, and they tell us on their own saying they know its not true. As our wedding gets closer she tries harder.

What it comes down to is that your man is going to have to lay it out there. My fiance finally told her that he would not answer the phone if she called, and if it was an emeregency involving the kids to leave a voicemail and he would return the call. She at first made things up to get him to call back and he would just say "are the kids okay" then goodbye. He has a time every night that he talks to the kids, he got the 9 year old a cell phone and when the kids want him they call him on that phone and because he is paying for it he made it clear the ex is NOT to use it. The ONLY communication that occurs between them is through email if it is regarding the kids, which is good too because then all conversation is documented should things ever go back to court. She still tries and he tells her whats up. She has chased me down across the tball field one time to scream at me for nothing! She is CRAZY. What it comes down to is like everyone said she doesn't want anyone else to have him even though she is remarried, she wants her cake and to eat it to. In this case she remarried someone with two kids and has stepkids who can not stand her and know she tore apart their family so I think its jealousy that her kids love me as their future step mom and her step kids hate her. Hang in there, there is hope but he has to be willing to cut communication and giving her the opportunity to say these things, he is going to have to stand up for you and your relationship or it will never work. I know the hardest thing to me is that I don't understand how she can be so cruel to someone who is so good to her children, you would think that would make her happy.

markerfelt's picture

i totally understand. is she bipolar? or suffering from a borderline disorder? sounds like it. She will then never respond in a normal manner. Hang in there!

jessica's picture

Honey you are too young to deal with this it is not ending soon be realistic and get a life more happier this will ruin your hapiness e-x's are hard to handle +kids and u r only 20?

option 2 yeah if a man is strong enough he can put the ex where she belongs and demand her to respect you and him .

best luck but run if you can honey run

Honest's picture

My advice is run and don't look back! I have been dealing with the ex wife for 9 years now and let me tell you it doesn't get better. There is too much baggage there and you can get better. You can get someone who devotes himself to you and you won't have an ex wife or step children controling your house. I know it's hard to deal with this answer but it's the best advise anyone can give you... TRUST ME! It's gonna be like this forever!!!!

Sooz's picture

How does the new GF deal with the stb ex who appears to be angry and jealous? Especially of my potential interractions with their kids? (I will not meet them until after the holidays).

The stb ex wife may poison the kids about their Christmas presents, simply because I helped wrap them.

How to support my BF, anyway to act/not act to help her, his kids?.....

I want to take the high road, not the high and mighty one, to be nice, supportive, to not let HER affect my relationship with HIM or his kids. To always act with grace, be a lady and to know that yes, if this relationship endures (which I truly hope it does, as this man is very special and a loving, magnificent father), the kids will grow up and will remember the example I set with good behaviro and positive reactions.

God help me. Wink
(Yes, I have believe prayer and sending out positive energy helps.)

Sooz's picture

I am newly 48,
Separated with 2 grown stepsons in their mid-late 20's.
I get along well w/my former spouse (he is in Madrid and I am in the USA, so it makes it easier). And love my stepsons very much.

My new "BF" is 50, separated and has 4 kids:
2 teens at home, ages 16 (boy) and 17 (girl), one in college 20 (girl) and one a grad and teacher age 24 (girl).

STB Ex Wife is age 43, has been dating her HS sweetheart since the separation in June. (They separated in Jan, legally and formally in June this yr). He can file for divorce 31 June 2011 and me, 15 April 2011.
Even though she has a BF, she appears very jealous of me.

She is a petite gal, a bit stocky, but I think she is still very pretty. As she feels better about herself and is exposed to the world via her new career, she will feel more confident and happy with whom she is as a woman (and I am hoping less intimidated by me).

She has this BF, who she apparently loves and it appears, they want to marry. (Unfortunately, my BF says she has gained perhaps up to 20lbs, hence that does not help my situation.) She got pregnant at age 17 and they married when she was 18. It appears she has low self esteem having never worked, travelled or a sense of self-accomplishment (despite raising what appear to be 4 bright, lovely children).

My BF is a wonderful father and has a successful career. It appears he and his stb ex wife drifted apart but he wanted the divorce a bit more. Again, there ARE 2 sides to every story and I do not know hers.

I am a tall, slim, athletic natural redhead with an hourglass figure. Have travelled the globe and led what most would consider an exciting life. (I worked very hard to earn and maintain that.) I have the support of friends from both coasts of the USA and around the globe, had a wonderful career at the Pentagon before living in Spain the last 2yrs, and am back home in VA working on resurrecting my career.

I am also a 2x cancer Prevailer and could never have children of my own. Having had a wicked step mother and abusive stepfather (both of whom I have long forgiven), I know first hand what is like to be a child of divorce, to be neglected, and also what it is to take those experiences and be a loving, devoted step-parent.

My BF made the mistake of telling her (and the kids) about me (I just met him in early Nov). I wanted him to wait until after Christmas. And ideally for at least 3 months before he mentioned anything to his kids or the wife. I feel his personal life is none of their business anyway.

She calls me a "socialite" and his "online hookup" (not quite the way we met - we have a great deal in common because of my background, our upbringing and careers) (but she met her BF via reconnecting on Facebook!) and now that she has seen my flair for gift wrapping his children's gifts (as seen under the tree), calls me a "bitch" and has threatened him via Facebook to keep me away from the kids. BTW, she paid $50 or so to do an online search about me, and only found favorable info that makes her more jealous. (My resume and career support docs are all public).

Clearly, if she knew me, would never feel that way. I am a very nice, sensitive person and would never intentionally cause any friction in her relationship with her kids. I get along very well and in fact like, my husband's 1st wife. (This is my only marriage, by the way.) I also work to remind my BF why she is feeling and acting the way she is, to be gentle, but at the same time, to stand up to her politely and firmly. Also, to never say anything negative, EVER, now or in the future about her to his children. (Been there as a child and it is NOT ideal.)

I told my BF (who loves me very much, btw) that perhaps we should simply avoid one another completely until the holidays are over, until things calm down and if he is still interested, to give me a call. He cried and says he does not want that. I told him, OK< then, with the right attitude and grace, we can handle anything. It is not going to be easy.

Also, the kids seem to have no problem with their mother having a boyfriend, who buys them bday and holiday presents (trying to buy them it seems), but because of the mother, seem to want to hate anyone who makes their father happy. (I am not sure of this, but it appears to be headed that way.)

However, I will not stand for this woman calling me a bitch, ever.

And I told him I will not ever stand for being put in 2nd place ever again behind a former wife. His children come first and always will, but as the woman in his life he is thinking of marrying, his new wife comes first, too, but on another level. (Meaning, kids come first, but do not neglect the adult love relationship.)

(My husband was so afraid of his first wife post the divorce (all in his head), that he took all his hate and anger out on me...the prob, was, as a new, innocent, loving wife, I let him and failed to set boundaries thinking he would get over it and things would improve. Not so. Once a person becomes abusive, it is that much easier to cross the line and get worse. It only escalated from there, hence why I finally left him.)

SO - I am setting boundaries NOW. Letting him know how I desire to be treated and what is not acceptable. I can tolerate and bend a great deal, but I will not subjugate myself ever again to a former wife who bullies her husband who allows it.

What can I do to help him through this Holiday Season? Without meeting the stb ex wife, how can I help her? The kids? The best thing I know is to be myself and to push him away if he fails to deal with the situation in an adult manner.

Any and all advice is appreciated. Many thanks.


rukiddinme's picture

Sweetie....LEAVE...!! You are so young and you don't have any children with this man, you can still get out with little to lose. Even though your BF sounds like a good, caring man, his ex will continue to manipulate him, thus causing you a lot of pain. I have dealt with an Ex that is a total spoiled b****. And it will not get any better with time, he will always have that guilt about his children, divorce, leaving, or whatever else she tells him he is awful at. My BF and I have a child together, and yet still his Ex wife's "emotional well-being" comes before mine and I typically give in for the sake of the kids,and to be a bigger person even though it upsets me greatly. When you have a crazy ex, who uses the kids to manipulate and get what she wants (even if it is just out of spite, anger, resentment), no matter WHAT you do, it will never be enough and your BF will feel quilty to give in to her demands for the "sake of the kids". No amount of money, resources, time, fairness, etc will ever be enough for a crazy ex, there will always be something wrong that is his fault, and he will feel quilty, and give in. are so young...dont start like this. Find A MAN THAT IS ALL YOURS AND ONLY YOURS! BUILD YOUR OWN BAGGAGE WITH SOMEONE, DON'T UNPACK HIS!

aleshiafenner's picture

It's true it is a long crazy road ahead of you.I know I am on that road. You won't believe what these women will do to make your life hell. I am 23 and my husband is 37 with two boys 16 and 14. She his bipolar and she has gone as far as attacking him the day after Christmas with the kids there. She pulled and threw a sword at him attacked him and bit him face and while doing that hit him on the head with something. Then had the nerve to call the police and try and file a report that he attacked her. Needless to say she went to jail and child protective service got involved big mess. All this shit just to stop him from getting married, and she paid for the divorce. If you think you can hadle that kind of crazieness then good luck and try not to deal with her and assist the BF by supporting him because he is going to need it.

Anonymous- WA's picture

I am truly sorry to say Haley, but this is how it always will be. I have dealt with my husbands EX for a while now and she does the same things. She plays with the children's minds. She says cruel things about me and their father to them, which are untrue and really rude. She tells their children that she won't love them if they love their father, or they won't get what they want if they hug him around her, but hugging her around him they get rewarded. If they don't call her 10 times a day she calls the cops since she thinks we are neglecting their children. I have always been nice to her since we have to try and get along for the kids, but she calls me names and does a lot of crappy things in front of her kids to me and my husband. She is the most evil person on this earth! We are suppose to have the kids every Monday, Thursday and every other weekend but his ex has told his children that they can't come see us because she won't love them if they come down during the week. We made them since that is what the court ordered, but it made our lives miserable, so we gave up. Now we only see them every other weekend if we are lucky! It has been 6 weeks since my husband has seen his kids, and they have only called once. He tries to call them twice a week since he knows they are busy (doing nothing) but they never get the messages. We are looking to move out of the town we live in and get away from all of this and start our lives together without the EX around, when a person over heard this and told my step daughter that we were leaving she called her dad and cried and said that she loved him and doesn't want him to leave and loves spending time with him. How is this true when in 6 weeks they haven't seen each other and have talked on the phone 3 times? That is nuts. Of coarse the mother finds out and calls my husband and blames me for everything, says the kids hate me and mean things, he just hangs up the phone on her because he is sick of it. My step daughter has called me so many names it isn't funny to my face and tries to spread bad rumors about me that I find out about. She is turning into her mother and I hate that. Two spoiled evil persons in this world and we can't do anything about it because his ex has a spell on them or something. She uses her children to get to their father and that is wrong. This has been going on for as long as I can remember and it doesn't change! I sure hope it does when the kids are old enough, but that may not happen either!

lovelyblktina33's picture

I completely understand and it does not get any better it just gets worst everyday. I am divorced myself(10yrs now)and I never thought that there could be a person more childish and selfish than him. I pray that I will not grow to hate her but everytime she does something or calls and disrupts my household like this past week, I would like to slap her really hard ( she better be glad I have God in my life).She called on Halloween and ruined a perfectly good evening with her crap( we have custody) all the way from Florida. She called the bank and got are home phone number( which she did not have because she has MAJOR issues. She calls and starts yelling at my step-son about why won't your father answer the phone when I call( which is about every two weeks), he is trying to tell her how much candy he got and she keeps cutting him off asking the question over and over again. When I heard a 7 year old apologizing for not calling an almost 30 year old I told him to tell mommy to call daddy's phone because he wants to talk to her. She told him to do something to me but he says he does not remember but after that day he has been horrible, mean, cruel, and I am tired of it. I want to talk to her and ask her what is the problem because she is even asking him what my birthday is, what are my childrens ages ( IS SHE GOING TO SEND ME A CARD?) I am fighting the idea of hating her but it is getting hard. this is just one incident, so no IT DOES NOT CHANGE!!!!

Nichole's picture

I just wanted to comment after reading this one, because I feel I relate a lot to your situation. I only let his X get to me sometimes. I ALWAYS kill her with kindness, as hard as it is to swallow. I would never want her to think that anything SHE says or does has any affect on me or my relationship- what so ever. Because that is exactly what she wants. I think if you are the bigger person, you will be the better person. And eventually the children will become adults and remember how mommy acted, and how step mom reacted. IT IS A CONSTENT STRUGLE.
I am 27 yrs. old I had a son of my own (never married) when I entered my relationship, with now my fiance. He had 2 beautiful daughters. We now have a daughter together. He gets his girls now 1 night a week and every other weekend. She controls the night of the week that it is. And believe it or not she now lets ME pick the girls up. (before she wouldn't- until the judge told her he could have anyone he deemed responsible to do so on his nights) She conveniently chose a night that the girls have dance class therefore; I pick them up on my way home from work, pick up my son, then baby girl. All to get home for 20 min. or so before I have to load all the kids up again and take the girls to dance class. Dad picks them up on HIS way home from work- gets to see them for about 30 min. Then drives them all the way home. So basically we don't get to see them, we just do her running for her. I could go on and on - but that is my latest annoyance with her right now. I try to keep a positive attitude.
What made me search this site today though- Is this weekend we have a social function (a benefit for a friend who got hurt in an accident) that it is very possible that her and her new 52 year old boyfreind could attend. I'm just strugling on how I might deal with this. We are really close the friend that got hurt and it should be a good time. But the sight of her will probably ruin it for me.
I rather keep her out of sight and out of mind. Like she doesn't even exist. Anyway it helps to talk about it - good luck to you!!

kraecnieee's picture

In reading your comment, (and even after reading so many) your comment that "And eventually the children will become adults and remember how mommy acted, and how step mom reacted" really stood out to me. I've been struggling with BM for 2 years now and I hate the stress it causes to my relationship and just to me personally. Most of all, I hate the way I get bitter and resentful to not just the BM, but to the kids. I can't help but feel like it if it weren't for the kids, I wouldn't have to deal with BM. It kills me to feel that way toward them because it's not their fault. I am fortunate that my fiance has such incredible kids. SS13 and SD11 are great kids, but they're still kids and they're unfortunately at that age where I can't be as authoritatve as I'd like (the thought of hearing, 'you can't tell me what to do, you're not my mom' frightens the hell out of me) even though I know my fiance would promptly take care of it if something like that were to happen. But they aren't so old that I can just be their friend. They still need direction, role modeling and consequences when appropriate, even if coming from me. I can't just ignore them or write them off because I don't like their mom. When I made the decision to be with my fiance, I made the choice to accept his kids into that equation, but it feels like marrying him means marrying BM too. She knows that she can pick up the phone anytime and whatever she needs, he will do, because he won't let his kids suffer. She has moved 4 times in the last 2 years, and WE helped her this last time. I had to help the stupid b*tch move because I am always the bigger person, even though she rolls her eyes when she hears my name, won't even speak to me or look at me, and has no qualms about expressing her dislike for me in front of the kids. She is manic depressive and doesn't always take her meds. The kids are well aware of this and the SS already lives with us full time because of him and his mothers dysfunctional relationship. Recently, I really feel like I have reached my breaking point with her. The thought of her, seeing pictures of her in the kids room, seeing her name on the caller ID, I just want to scream. I'm really bothered that my fiance doesn't stand up for me, or call BM on her sh*t. He has no problem putting her in her place when it benefits him or makes him feel better but when it comes to me, he says it will just cause more problems and to be the bigger person. I AM SO TIRED OF BEING THE BIGGER PERSON!!! What good has come of it? This is the attitude I have found myself in, so reading your entry really helped me. I am a patient person. I'm not sure if I have 7 years of patience left but I will certainly try Smile

As for the 20 year old. Honey, I feel for you because I have a feeling your head is telling you to run for the hills because you're too young to have to put up with that crap, but your heart wants to stay. Is he willing to have another baby with you? You do want kids, yes? As much as you love his kids, there's nothing like the love you'll have for your own and it will give you someone else to focus on. My fiance is fixed, and I have already discussed with him that I have full intentions of getting pregnant, even with a sperm donor. Good luck to you, life is a long road, especially from age 20 Smile

Jamie's picture

This was so refreshing to read. I am having a very hard time dealing with the BM - especially as we get closer to our July wedding. The girls (9, 6) are very excited and actually want to be involved in the ceremony - which drives BM NUTS.

One of the things she does is EXACTLY as you describe - badmouth me in front of her children, talk badly to my fiance about me and he may or may not stand up for me - haven't figured it out - ignore my presence...the list goes on. Now, I know that she and I will never be friends, but the insecurity she has is so apparent and sad. I'd pity her if I didn't despise her so much. I, too, am trying to be the bigger person and it sucks. As for being ok with my fiance helping her? That part I can't be ok with. I am the breadwinner - by a LOT - and have no interest in spending my money on her. Now, if the kids need something that's a different story. I am usually game for any reasonable request (so far, nothing unreasonable has come to light; although when she figures out that I'm the one bringing in all the cash I imagine that those requests will be right behind that illumination).

My fiancee thinks that she filed for divorce to bluff him and teach him a lesson - in retrospect - because she is behaving like the jealous wife, not the ex-wife. She really has no reason to hate me other than the fact that I'm present: which for some people is reason enough I guess.

one6ylady's picture

For 10 years I've been with my DH (we've been married for the last 4.5 of them). From the moment I stepped into their lives and the skids decided they really liked me, the BM has been on the warpath against me. My SD (now 17) and my SS (now nearly 21) loved me to death way back then. We were so close that they used to fight to see who would sit next to me at dinner or at the movies, or even on the couch at home.

The BM, who is diagnosed Bi-Polar (according to her) and has had bouts of severe instability went ballistic and took everything out verbally and emotionally on the kids. Then one day BM went off the deep end and went after my SS and me at a school open house. The result was as 18 month no-physical contact PFA consent order, and she fled across country to avoid going to court for the Offensive Touching charge for her actions against me. She was permitted to have phone calls, emails and letters, but didn't bother with most of that unless it was to trash on the kids for "choosing" their "Dad and that bitch" over "their own mother" and telling them she was going to have more kids to simply replace them because they were treating her so badly - MAJOR GUILT TRIPS!

For 2+ years she had almost no conact with the kids at all. We were being the better parents and forcing them to call her for her birthday and holidays and such and telling them not to hate their mother, that no matter what she had done to them she still loved them and to give her time to sort out whatever was causing her to treat them that way. Yes, our lives today would be easier if we'd simply allowed them or encouraged them to hate her, but that wouldn't have been the right thing for them - they need to learn their own lessons about their mother when they're adult enough to deal with it and see the truth for what it is.

Then we got married, and she POUNCED back into the picture with a vengance. She's been on a hate campaign against me ever since and has told others her goal was to make the skids so unhappy living with their Dad and me that they would want to go live with her. She didn't care if she was making them miserable in the process. That's so sad! Of course, once the skids became teenagers it became easier for her to poison, and things went from great to absolute misery for me.

I continued to treat the kids with respect and love and constantly remind them how much I loved them "no matter what", and luckily, SS has now grown up enough now to see through a lot of the crap his mother fed to him and we're now becoming close again. SD is another story all together. BM got hold of her younger and has been much more determined with her, to the point where she now hates me (or so she tells everyone).

BM send emails to all of our family and friends and to the kids full of lies and innuendo (resulting in additional charges of "Breach of No-Contact" and "Harassment By Communication" charges being added to the pending Offensive Touching charge so she now has two capiases out for her arrest). She's tried to have me fired at least 4 times and has filed several child abuse complaints against us - the most recent one we just found out about this past week and it mainly targets me. She does this because she know I work for the Children's Services Department and she hopes having an agency within my own department investigate me might cause me to lose my job.

All I can do now is hang in there, force DH to make ALL the decisions relating to SD, and hope that she eventually grows up and sees things for how they really are. There's not much else I can do... just keep loving her "no matter what" happens and let her know I'll always be here for her. Unfortunately, it is breaking my heart while I'm trying to survive it. I hope it's easier for you than it has been for me. I'm struggling to hold onto my sanity, but the tears come more often now than they did before, and I even find myself crying in my sleep.

I knew what I was getting into when I married my DH. I knew his EX was a head case and that I would always be a target. I guess I just thought that logic and reality would mean more to those involved than they apparently do... bad mistake on my part. Now I'm hopelessly in love with my DH and my SS and SD too, so they have more power to hurt me than anyone in my life ever has before. Nobody can hurt you like the ones you love.

I'd love to hear from anyone who lives in Delaware... I could use a friend who understands that I can talk to in person from time to time. In the meantime, I think it helps to read the posts here and realize I'm not alone. Sorry for the long rant, but it's been on my chest for so long I really needed to put it out there somehow and be able to let go of the pain a little bit.

happy's picture

Its a long winding but somehow very rewarding road too.. But it does make you get your panties in a bunch A LOT..
And it makes you full of anger and hatred, and you look in the mirror and think OMG what the hell is happening to me.. LOL..

I am not going to hold back here.. I am trying a new thing. honesty at all cost..
Your life as a SM will be full of twist and turns and sometimes the roller coaster will go so fast you just want off. So it takes more work to be in a marriage or relationship alone as a Step Parent. You not only try to work on the marriage relationship but you have to constantly work on the relationships with the children. And then sad to say but there are BM who are hell bent on making "your family" life a living hell. And its because like Fearless says they have the syndrome "I don't want him but I sure in the hell don't want anyone else to have him". Its almost like because they have kids with him they think its like ownership. They get to call all the shots and the only thing the SP gets to do is pay for things and sometimes have a say.
Now my situation is not horrible I think even at times I make it worse then what it really is just because I do not have the prespective to look at the situation in other ways until its pointed out by someone here..
I would say think long and hard about this.. 20 is awfully young to start out this way. And I am sure your man is a great man.. Just seriously think about all that is said here. Read Caitlyn's blogs, or some others where the ex wife is just a Horrible Miserable Woman..

I can say that I would not want my daughter to do this for sure.. If she did I would just let her know what she was in for.. And try to help her.. But its hard.. and its a full time job... Just trying to keep your sanity is a huge part.. LOL..

I hope I did not offend anyone.. Not my intent..

Anne 8102's picture

So either pack your bags and run to the nearest exit NOW or resign yourself to it and become a regular on this site! Wink

I just passed the five-year mark. It has never gotten any better and is consistently getting worse as time passes. The only thing that changes is us, trying to find new ways to deal with the same old BS.

:o WELCOME! :o

~ Anne ~

TL's picture

My husbands ex comes off to everyone in the world as one of the sweetest kindest women on the earth. She is actually a self righteous, selfish and confused pain in the rear! She is remarried and claims to be sooo happy but will not stop manipulating us and creating stress for us. I know she just wants to still feel a sense of control and input into what goes on in our house. Three adorable children are involved and are lucky to have two really good parents and two decent step parents. But, everyone could go about their business with much more peace if she would stick to the goings on in her own house and leave ours alone! It drives me crazy, makes me angry and puts a lot of stress on my husband and I. Wish I knew it would get better some day, but not sure it will. Seems like it has more to do with her controlling personality than anything else that has or will happen.

GMP's picture

When I read your Comments "Incredibly Exhausting" I though I was writing it myself. I am living in the exact same situation as you are. I keep telling myself only 6 more years and the child will be of age and then she will be gone for good...but she will find a way to manipulate herself into our lives I just know she will!!!! Well... I guess its a relief to know I am not the only one who has to deal with such exhausting behaviour from a woman who is obviously unhappy in life and not able to move forward and find her own way!!!!

stepmama's picture

I have pages and pages to write, but will try to keep it simple. I am also the step-mom to a 12 year old and let me tell you her mom defines selfishness. For years, my husband and I have bent over ( almost to the point of breaking) to accomodate her crazy behavior and protect my step-daughter from being hurt, but it has taken a huge toll on our relationship. The ex is remarried and manipulates her husband to the point that he is oblivious. She is even facing criminal charges for embezzling from her boss and acts like she is related to the queen of England tough is facing incarceration. I have been researching narcicissistic personalities and she definately qualifies. I think that I've learned alot in the past few years and am begininning to understand what works and what doesn't. People who lie often and even to themselves don't care if you "stick to the facts"... they see the world as though they are entitled to special treatment. One way we've taken out some of the frustration of her rewriting history is to communicate only via e-mail and make sure they are from your husband. Stick to the facts (ie. Jane has soccer practice on Monday so please put her uniform in her bag when she comes home on Monday).Don't ask questions or even try to "be nice" simply be informative. Print out the e-mails and her responses and make a binder to record your interactions. 2. Set up an e-mail account for your step child so you can contact them when they are at their mom's house because @12 it is easier to ask them a simple question than to ask their mom. 3. Let your step-child know that your relationship is totally independent from how her mom feels about you. I visably saw my step-daughter struggle because she felt torn when her mom would trash talk me. I think it helped her to know that I am aware that her mom doesn't like me and although I am hurt by her mother's anger, the relationship that I have with her is separate from the interactions I have from her mom. I cah laugh about the stuff her mom says so she doesn't feel bad about sharing those comments with me. Also, I often ask her "Why do you think she said that? What do you think she wanted you to think/do? How would you handle that situation if you were in her shoes?" There are hundreds of ways that her mom has manipulated and used her, but one thing I am learning is that just as certain behaviors can be learned, they can be unlearned. My husband and I have committed to working on teaching our daughter how to avoid the drama, how to have integrity and how to respect yourself and others. Its not straightforward at all, and we ( my husband and i) have too many "discussions" about it to count, but I do know that 6 years from now, I can look back and say that I did the best for our daughter ( in spite of her mom).

sy78's picture

Absolute kudos to you and your hubby!
I am currently in a relationship with a man (yet to be divorced but anticipating Jan 2013 for that).Prior to him I hadn't any children nor any baggage of exes in my past or present to be concerned with. So it was a shock to me to suddenly be confronted with so much pettiness,hatred and pure venom at the cost of the children's mental health. The girls are now starting to come around and open up. The youngest is 5 yrs old and has latched onto me much more easily than the 9 yr old. I can foresee issues with the 9 yr old in future (not that I wish it at all obviously) just that she shows traits of her mother...i.e. emotional manipulation,lies, control over her younger sibling,hurtful and hateful comments followed by hugs and kisses, pouting fits followed again by kissing up and syrupy fake sweetness. I am trying to form bonds with both girls without there being any forcing of it. It should be natural and at their own pace.When being in a relationship where children and ex are involved (at least in this case bi-polar mood disorder ex) realize what you are taking on. You are to be girlfriend/poss wife, mother to children, educator,boo-boo kisser,etiquette lesson giver and much much more. Very exhausting but ever so worthwhile!
I think that anyone newly into this sort of a scenario (regardless of age) needs to ensure that they really do want this. That their man will place them in 1st place beside the children (The children are always always 1st! and that's the way it should be!)and understand that you will be co-parenting.From what I keep reading from some of the posts it sounds like some of the lady's men are not understanding what their role should be. 1st to children then to significant other. The whole reason for being in contact with ex isn't to handling everything for her or be at beck and call. It is to facilitate contact with the children.If there is a chance of the three adults being able to agreeably discuss issues or concerns or events regarding the children then great. If not then realize that and ensure that events are dealt with separately and discussions with the ex are kept to a emergency/need to know only basis.
I am very lucky with my bf as he has since meeting me realized that the irrational behaviour and taunting nature of her messages to him are just her entertainment to her sick mind. Sometimes it involves the children sometimes not. Either way since he has minimized the contact with her our lives have been great.
First and foremost realize what it is you want out of your life.
Realize that little lives look up to adults to help them develop. If you feel trapped then take a step back and realize where that feeling is coming from. Because as much as we dislike imensely the harm (mental mostly) that the ex is doing, we need to recognize that it is how our partner is handling matters with his ex. If you are unable to deal with her behaviour or your guy's reaction to it then remove yourself from that aspect of the scenario. you can choose how you react,how you behave.
So much more to say but better cut myself a bit short.
Thank you all for your contributions. It's these posts that assist others to seeing things in a different light or vent out frustrations. Cuz we all have those in life!

Penie76's picture

You are living my life I think. I have the same issues and feel the exact same way as you do. Why can't they just be happy in their own marriage and not give our husbands such a hard time? So hard to try to stay out of things when it causes issues in our marriage. Today I feel probably the worst I have in a long time about my situation. I hate that his ex controls everything. Tells him what to do with their Son and he is supposed to do what she says. So unfair when we too have lives. I guess it has boiled down to us spending a fortune and going to court as she is not workable. So frustrating!

VERONI's picture

I here everyone talking about ex wives what about the ex-husband that never paid dime of child support,has remarried has a beautiful house and still says hes trying to get his life together never has never seen his daughter is 7 years and see her for christmas she 13 and buys her a slincky for christmas what is that all aboout been so supportive with him because he was married before me and that ex wife was crazy so I felt so when I divorced him I WAS STILL TRYING TO BE SUPPORTIVE, BUT NOW i NEED HIS HELP HE IS NOT THERE FOR ME WHAT DO i DO NOW...

Bonus Wife's picture

Oh lord, twenty is too young for all the steplife drama.....I'm in my forties and it's the toughest situation in life I've ever faced. Do yourself a favor and think long and hard about this...and then,.... Don't Do It!!!
(But if you do, we'll be here!)

Persephone's picture

My oldest is nearly 20 and I wouldn't wish this life on her (even though she was a difficult teen Smile ) I agree this is one of the most difficult things I have done-- possibly because it is an endurance contest (with no end in sight) that requires me to play mental gymnastics- a skill I did not have at 20. At 20 you should be enjoying life -- don't throw it all away!

I hate to say this, but your age will come back to haunt you when times get tough--DH will say what do you know you are a kid yourself.

Besides at 20 you can't even buy your own bottle of wine--- and there will be daze...

puterlady's picture

I second that. I am in my forties as well and my husband's situation is like a bad Lifetime movie except he is the star. The kids and I get along great but everyday I get some kind of reminder that what I do for them is not enough. Think long and hard about it. I should be counting down to my retirement years but because of all the litigation and costs of the children I will probably not be able to retire. My life is not my own anymore.

Anonymous's picture

Haley, look at your wrinkle-free skin and your non-gray hair and RUN as fast as you can. This situation will age you faster than you can imagine.

Here's another tip... every day go outside and throw $50 into the street and watch it blow away. Make plans in advance and then cancel them at the last minute. Plan on having every free moment occupied by sporting events, church events, play dates, appointments, etc., without any concern for your schedule and if that's feasible or not.

AND, get very used to spending at least one day a month in court... fighting for frivolous, stupid things... and plan on LOSING because that's just what happens.

RUN, child! You're just a kid yourself. (In a good way!)

anncanbike's picture

Like your take on it - I dated my husband for 4 years & knew about the biker chick (ex-wife/Mom) but couldn't accept the reality of how could a mom do this/that/other thing to own children. To get back at him is why, and it'll never stop. I feel bad for the twins. I had a "good" divorce and I'm Christian so I was clueless. Before I act on behalf of skids, I ask myself, WWJD? Still I fantasize she dies on the motorcycle and we get full custody (i.e. I get full control).

robinmaye37's picture

As most of the others have posted, the answer to your question is YES YES YES!!! It will always be like this. I am in the same situation, except that I am a bit older, 37. I have 3 beautiful kids of my own and an Ex that is great. I get along with him and his wife and we all share in the good and bad times when it comes to the kids.

I tried to be open to this with my boyfriends ex and boy did I get a big wake up call. She is a mean, hateful, foul mouth lier that dose everything she can to turn her kids against their father and I. She has even stated that it is her life goal to make our lives a living hell. We are in the middle of a nasty custody battle over their children, ages 8, 10 and 13. The two younger ones have expressed a desire to live with us because they don't like the mean things mom says about my boyfriend and I. She never did any activities with the kids before the divorce, but now she goes to everything so that we can't go. It was just recently that I made my BF understand that he can still go to the scout meetings and other activities the children are involved in. He has learned to ignore her and focuses on the kids. But it is hard, and I am not allowed to go right now as it makes it more difficult for the children as she will verbally attack us if I show up.

She dose have the oldest caught up in her games now. The BM has bipolar and we just found out that they think the daughter may also. She has started going along with her mom and calling us names when she is at home, but she does not do it to our face. She is very disrespectful to her father though. She will not listen to him, throw tantrums, screams that she wants to go home if she doesn't get her way, and she is 13 yrs old.

My BF pays over $700 a month in child support yet she will sign the kids up for every activity under the sun and expect him to pay for it. And she bribes the kids so they will want to stay home and not come to our place during our time. She will let them go on the computer or buy them toys or take them shopping when she knows it is our day to have them. We never force them to come with us. We don't want to be the bad guys in any of this. We just tell them we love them and we will see them on the next day. But the oldest boy, he is 10, is very mature for his age and he knows what the BM is up to. He has told us how she is trying to break us financially by signing up the kids for everything, or how she bribes the other 2 so they won't want to come.

The only thing I can say is I hope you are strong and can take a lot of s***. I have wanted to walk many times, but I love my BF with all my heart and I love all the kids as well. For us it is important to stand together and to always be honest with each other if something upsets us. When I was 20 I would never have been able to deal with this kind of crap and I would have walked away. If my BF now was not always on my side and able to stand up for both himself and I, I would not be here. You have to have a truly unbreakable bond to be able to put up with an Ex from hell. I wish you the best of luck in what ever you choose to do. Just know that the only person you have to prove yourself to is YOU. Stay true to yourself and never let the BM pull you into her games. The kids will see the real you in time and they will see that you don't play games like she does. They may not show it or realize it now, but down the road they will.

Zen's picture


Run as fast as you can. First, you are 20 years old. You have so much of your own life to live - and you cannot possibly do that in the situation your are in.

Second - some people are just evil. You cannot change them, and they will not change themselves. They truly believe there is something wrong with everyone else and nothing wrong with them

Third - these children will grow up to be just like that horrible parent to some extent. You cannot change that either.

I have been involved in this type of situation for three years now and she has recently gotten her entire family involved - accusing me of stalking (I stay as far away from them all as possible), accusing my son of doing drugs, and calling my 14 year old daughter a whore - none of it is true. They are both gifted students and have never been in trouble. The 14 y/o doesn't even date yet. This is all on top of the disgusting things she tells my stepson about his father and me. My husband is ambivalent about taking her to court because he is afraid of losing the time he has with his son, however, my children and I have never been exposed to anything like this and it is not a pleasant experience. Four psychologists have said she will never change - and she won't. I just started taking a stance and telling her she cannot speak to me like that. I have also started telling her son the truth about what his mother says and does. He is 13 1/2 now and I feel he is old enough to face reality.

But in your situation - run as fast as you can - run to Europe, Hawaii or Fiji. Do something wonderful with your life - do not sacrifice your future for a 40 year old man with kids and a crazy ex-wife. You will wake up one day 40 yourself, and have nothing but regrets. If he is truly the man for you - believe me he will be there ten years from now - when you are 30 and establshed in your own life, and ready to settle down with someone - settle down - not settle for. I don't even know you, but I do know that every young woman deserves better than the situation you are in.

Tryn2MakeIt's picture

OMG Zen! Are you talking about the psycho BM we deal with?? I have had the same thing happen in my life dealing with DH's x! I keep my children away from her! They won't even so much as look as at her, my children at 21, 15, 13 and 5. She has told Skids that I my children have all differernt dad, my 21 yr olds dad passed away when he was very young, the other 3 have the same dad, we were married for 13 yrs before we divorced. Tells the skids, my children are "low class", and on and on and on.....its relentless.

DH and I have held our ground, kept things consistant, and my kids don't suffer from her stupidity. However, Skids do. I can't shield them away from her, she has SD11 liviing with her, and has SS13 EOW. so she can spew her venom while they are with her.

All it is, is pure Parental Alienation Syndrome. We have documentation, the skids are in therapy. They no longer go to therapy together SD11 & SS13, DH requested the sessions be seperate. He wanted the therapist to see the difference in the skids attitudes and demeanors. SD11 is a clone of BM, acts, talks, walks, spew venom exactly like her. SS13, nothing like that. Difference is, we don't attack him with lies, interrogate him every minute of the day, don't slander his BM, we let him lead a normal life.

I would not trade my life with DH, its not his fault she is like that.

She is a histrionic, narcissistic, bi-polar bitch. Our only crime against her......We are happy, in love, and we hold stronge to our relationship and each other and shes not been successful tearing us apart.

Haley, it is possible to have a successful relationship and life with your man. But it will be stressful, tearful, and you will be put through hell. It will tear at your heart, it will eat at your gut, you'll lose sleep and you'll have to develope a thick skin.

But you must do what is right for you, you are very young, you don't need the burden of a CRAZY ExWife stalking you, berating you, and knocking your very self worth to the ground.

Good luck with your choice, please take a step back and look at your situation from the outside in. And do so with your eyes OPEN!

Ana's picture

The above comments are very true. I am 43 and my boyfriend is 46. he and his first wife did not have children, but she had come into their marriage with two children. She was older and her children are now in their 30s. My boyfriend has been single since the divorce and that was 12 years ago. She found out he was in a serious relationship and went nuts. She has for the past 12 years used her children to keep them close. Now that he no longer is available,she has attacked me for issues and called me names.
First and foremost, make sure he defends you against her attacks about you. A man that wont stand up for your dignity in this situation is not worth keeping.
My boyfriend and I are coming to the point where there looks to be a break up and all because he never stood up for ME for her behavior toward me.
If any element of this appears to state that he is not making you a priority, you need to move on. Life is not a dress rehearsal and it does not revolve around one person. There is more out there than that.

Good luck. We all need it apparently.

Anonymous's picture

I'm a visitor and wondered how your situation turned out. I was in exactly the same situation back in August. They were divorced for 5 years, I was in his life for 1 year, and before me, he didn't date but one person. I was the most serious, and the one he introduced to the children. She went nuts. They did a lot of close co-parenting, but were not romantically involved. But when she learned of me, she called him and cried everyday, he didn't want her to pick up or drop the kids when I was there because it would "upset her more." She didn't want him (she left him in the divorce) but wanted him to be over at his house, alone. No respect for me here, and I tried to understand their position. Finally, she turned up the heat and started apologizing for all of the things she'd done in the past, and it was like he was waiting for it. He was happy to accept the apology, apologized back, they forgave each other all their pasts, and he broke up with me. I consider myself fortunate, reading this site. Do I think they'll last? No, not without me in the picture to react to. But I wondered what happened with you. I hope you get out on your own volition. And I hope Haley does the same.

Anonymous's picture

Don't ruin your life. Run as fast as you can. Ex wives only get worse and more bitter with time. My life is so much harder than it had to be, and I will never forgive myself for dooming myself to this hell. And believe me, it really is hell. And because my husband and I have kids together now, I am in a never ending irreversible hell of my own making. I can't leave because that would mean subjecting my kids to a divorce and I would never do that to them. So I suffer in silence so that they can know happiness. You however still have a chance at a happy life. Leaving now will be the best decision you will ever make.

Anonymous's picture

I am 23 my husband is 38. Have been married for almost 2 years to a man that has two kids and a wacko ex-wife. I love my husband more than anything,but hate the life I now have. Our life has never and will never be our own. She controls everything we do and if she isn't around to control us she uses their daughter to do her dirty work. My husband is so wrapped up in keeping his daughter and ex-wife happy that he forgets about me and his youngest child. My life is completly not a happy place. I try so hard to put on that pretend happy face but I'm starting to realize that the true sad, miserable face is seeping thru. I'm not going to say you should get out, but just know what you are in will not get any better. Like I said I love my husband,he is my world, but I often ask myself how can I live the rest of my life like this?

ariel's picture

I feel the same way we have to talk about this more, I'm married too, my husband and are love each other very much, but hes always trying to please his ex and their son. I dont know what to do, his son is alright but he makes comments to me all the time about how his mom is so great. I dont want to leave him but I think it might be the only way for me to be happy again? We have been together for 4 years and only married for the last year he great and I never wanted nothing more, but for the first time in my life I was hit by him the other day, it was out of angry and I just cryed, my mother taught my brother never to hit a woman no matter what, hes always been great but I just cant get over it, I asked him if his mother taught him the same and it just made him more mad, cause his mom died when he was 20. I'm 18 and his 36 I was suppost to go to college this fall but cant cause we dont have the money, I was laid off and now am searching for work but nothing has came up I'm thinking about just dealing with it and later on if he doesnt get better I may leave him. anymore I just want out.

sy78's picture

Leave! You are too young to deal with this. I mean that in the best way.When I was 18 I was with a man that was verbally abusive (not physical) and doesn't magically get better. I can guarantee that if you leave and focus on your goal of school you will find a way to make it happen.
If you have a supportive family then go to them. If not then put a plan in place and place that plan into action to leave.
He should not have gotten mad because you asked if he was taught not to lash out in anger. Who cares that his mum died when he was 20. Even if she had passed when he was 15 or 30 a lesson in treating the people you love with respect and humanely is instilled from early childhood. I believe he mentioned her death as a guilt trip and to take the focus away from what he did and make you feel badly for even asking a reasonable question.
I wish you the very best. It's hard to know what to do when you are young. You believe more in your heart than your head. That can be a great thing but can also get you in a position you end up not wanting to be in.

Anonymous's picture

Searching the web for the answers to my husbands ex wife that is Bi Polar Manic has not been helpful. Wishing that someone had an answer to the madness. Institutionalizing is not what we what is the answer when their own family has nothing to do with them. I relate to all the stories.

c-k's picture

Hi There,
As I read the comments I fear that I too may be in a situation that may never remedy itself. I was married on July 28 this year (45) to a wonderful man (49). He has 2 children and I have 3. For the most part the kids do fine together and are comfortable with the marriage. Unfortunately, his EX (who left him for another man-and had several affairs)-(divorced 6 years) is a bit jealous of our relationship. She HAD free run of his house and life until I came in the picture...she resents that tremendously. He and I love each other very much...She says she never loved him. Well, he is a new preacher and now she comes to our church. She hangs out to be around him, is sarcastic to me, makes up lies, bla bla bla. Just a bunch of middle school behavior at church to stir life up. Husband knows she is lying but doesn't want to tell her to take a hike because of the children. Every Sunday she is there it's a different game. I am not a person of drama and do not play games. I'm not sure how to handle this. He called and asked her to stay away from me at church and to not approach him with personal matters as well. She cried. I believe this is because she is still emotionally attached and doesn't know what to do about it. Honestly, he is the first time I've ever been in love (my husband of 20 years died 6 years ago) and it's great. I don't want to taint our relationship by allowing her behavior to annoy us and at the same time I don't tolerate this very well. I'm mild mannered and not stirred to anger very easily. HOWEVER, she's messing with my family life and I'm liable to put her in her place. Then, I'd just be lowering myself to her standard...VERY LOW. HELP. I don't want to leave the church but do want to be out of this situation. She's known to be 'crazy' and have the morals of an alley cat. Definitely not someone to sit down and have an adult conversation with..... Short of wanting to rip her tongue out...what can I do?????

Tiana12's picture

Hi! Hayle

I was 23 when I meet my husband and we've been together for 5 years. He as a 10yro girl and a 8 yro son and we too moved in togeter just 6 months after we were dating. BM is also a pycho I think all ex- wifes are, she too kept complaining about the most stupid things at one stayge she complaied that she was going to report us because we lived in a 2 bed unit and her kids were sharing a room and that boys and girls should not share rooms. Pycho! but then she had another child herself and it was okay that the kids shared a room so that the new baby could have a room of it's own.

As the year go by she gets better and although in the odd accassion she says stupid things to the kids and does odd things I try not to take it to heart, but I have a wonderful husband who I'm absolutely inlove with, we have a 3 month old and life is great! Sure there is always some issue but we deal with it as a team.

My suggestion to you is if you are trully in love then stay and things may get easier but if your heart is not in it then leave now while you can you are too young to put up with this if his not the one.

Frog44's picture

For my situation, no the ex didn't get better. She tried to fake it, (growing up, being nice, etc.) but it was only a tactic to find out more about hubby and i to use against us in arguements with DH. Now, I find that her focus has turned from us to the kids.

When hubby and I met, I was 25, no kids. He was 29 with three. Add on the ex with a tendancy to hold everyone she knows under her thumb so that they can't so much as breathe without permission - not a good recipe. It's been a long, hard road. One that has had far more rewards then disappointments. Of course, I realize that now looking back! Smile

You have to do what you feel is right in your heart. Yes, 20 is young for the situation, but I wasn't too much older. 5 years sounds like a lot, but I was still single with no kids. The ex won't change, she will just find new ways of manipulation and new ways to hurt you. I'm glad that you can't choose who you fall in love with, I met a wonderful guy that I'm so looking forward to growing old with.

As I said, I have noticed that lately (since all of the kids are older now) ex's attention has turned from us to the kids. Guilt trips over what she perceives as favoritism of Hubby and I. I guess that when you throw one of your kids out of the house they should just come back to you begging for your love. (Of course, you don't have to change, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, it's everyone else that has the problem....) She's constantly bragging about how she's done this and she's done that. How much $$ she's spent blah blah blah. All in an attempt to make hubby feel like he does nothing. (I have to laugh because now he cuts her off and just asks her to get to the point. LOL) Hmmmmmm. All we can offer is love and support, and guess where all the kids are constantly????

I can say that the ex won't change. Unless on the rare occasion that an exorcism has been performed, and worked, but I don't think all the holy water in the world could do that with any of they psychos. You will need a thick skin, and a padded bathroom where no one can hear your screams. Or you can do what I did. Let hubby take the kids home and use that time to cry your eyes out, scream, rant and rave. Then calm down and wash you face before he gets back! Smile

desperateinalabama's picture

I say you are too young to be dealing with this. It doesn't get any better with time or age. I have been with my DH for four years. The step kids are 14 and 16 and it doesn't get any better. I am 28 and he is 42, but it makes no difference. I have two biokids of my own and our blended family has caused me to age before my time. Had I known then what I know now, I would run the other way...Fast, very fast. Ex's are there to make your life a living h***. Nine times out of ten, they are miserable and wants everyone to be miserable especially their ex husbands. Run, don't look back and learn from this life experience.

sparky's picture

yes, that is the way that you will live as long as you have a relationship with him. if he didn't put his foot down after all these years you can bet hes not going to now.

Dev's picture

Ok! I tottaly understand all of these problems... I am Married for the pst 5 years, together for pst 8. Never gets better.. We live a block away from my husbends NARCISSISTIC EX wife... she still keeps my husbands last name (eventhoe she has been remarried) but got the Big D again. sends me wedding pictures of her and my husband in my step sons weekend bg (from 17 years ago!) Calls the house at least 15 to 20 times a month. will not let us see or have my step son down for dinner, if its not our E.O.W visit (did I mention we live a block away).. Oh did I also mention we pay her a $1000.00 a Mo. and she decides to work only 25 hrs a week...Why would she work??
Anyway what make me feel better, cause trust me I am so angry and this consumes my every thought! And I hate it that one person can make me so mad!! But I have to understand and we have to understand that they win! If we let it bother us, they win! These nasty woman are Jealous and lonly and miserable, They try to make you and your mate just as unhappy as she or he is.
Oh and to the 20 yr old, any relationship your in is going to be work sometimes the harder the work the better the relationship!! When your mate sees what a koo koo his ex is,, it make him appreciate you a whole bunch...
good luck and smile.... Act as tho she is nobody.. it will drive her crazy!!!

one who knows's picture


I met my husband when I was 23, he is 10 years older than me and has 2 teenish aged kids. We have been married for 1 1/2 years. I went into this situation as positive as I could regarding the ex-wife and step kids, not anymore. I love my husband more than anything, but if I had really known what is was going to be like I would have "dated" him until the kids were older. At 20, you are NOT ready NOR deserving of the crap you will have to deal with. i.e. - restraining orders (on you!), harrassing phone calls, constant interrogation from the ex on what is going on in your house, the ex selling the childrens belongings to pay for her to have a beach house and 2 cars and multiple cell phones when she doesn't have a job, I could go on for days...

I am a loving, dedicated person, but I find myself wondering from time to time "what the He** was I thinking???? I got to be a woman in my early 20's, don't deny yourself of that. I wouldn't trade being 21, having a career, a place of your own, a social life, etc. for any man.

A co-worker of mine said something to me when I was getting ready to move 2 hours away to be with my new family: "Life's too short to take care of someone else's 3 year old." And while the age was obviously off, I now understand what he meant. You have to live for you and makes your dreams come true, because while love is a great thing, you will NEVER get what you want. You will NEVER get to pick up and move where you want to live, nevermind trying to see YOUR family during holidays. As long as those kids are minors, you have NO say in ANYTHING. And the courts will tell you that too.

Oh, I forgot something else - very important - that money you make. Kiss it goodbye! Because even though it's his child support, someone has to pay for the utlilties and groceries, and when 30% + of his check goes to her - you're stuck with the bills.

From one 20 something to another - run away as fast as you can.

Anonymous's picture

My boyfriend's ex-wife is truly a nut. She lives in a different state than we do but makes it a chore for him to see his son. She decided she was going to bring him to our state for a weekend visit. And showed up unannounced at my home (the home I own, and we both live in). He told her never to come over unannounced again. But she didn't see the problem. She thinks that he is going through some things and once he "finds the Lord again" he will come back to her and their son and they will be a family again. I was thinking of having a restraining order placed on her so that she cannot just show up to my house. I don't know if that will stop her though. She believes she is entitled. It is going to get worse, because he is going for custody. She does not work, she does not have the child in school (he's 10 years old), she is not paying the mortgage (the house is going into foreclosure) and she is waiting for him to come back. She is totally delusional and blames me for everything, in spite of the fact that we got together well after the marriage was over. She puts swear words in her son's phone in place of my name. She uses her own child as a pawn to control my BF. It sickens me that she would not care more about her own child. I don't know if the restraining order is the thing to do, but what if this narcissistic craziness turns psychotic? Then it just may be too late. I am frustrated and angry, but would rather be safe than sorry.

i know
my bf's ex has never had a job. her apt electric water is paid for by the state. her house is so dirty you cant see the floor and it smells like cat piss. the kids come over in dirty clothing. no joke they had crust on there socks from not being washed. we had to go out and buy them new clothes because i guess from the welfare money child support and her new boyfriends money, she didnt buy any laundry detergent. those kids have no concept of cleaning up behind themselves. its just drop and go. i would not mind having them full time over here but we have a small apartment. not to mention my son is over here half the time. she will call up my house phone and leave 10 min messages. i blocked the phone number by the phone company. then she called the cops and said that me and my bf were going to kill her. because i live in nj and there co-parents he got arrested for terroristic threats. she also put a restraining order on him so he could not see his kids. BUT THIS IS HOW CRAZY SHE IS! when they went to the court for the restraining order the judge denied it because she had no proof(of course she was lying). she flipped out on the judge and she got put in jail. me and my bf are both divorced are relationship is great except for her

Hanny's picture

I would reconsider your relationship for TWO reasons. First the age difference, 19 years is a lot. My ex was 18 years older than me. I met him when I was 21 and thought it was so cool to be with an older man who was established and had a family (5 boys). Well we got married when I was 27 (you'd have though I would have wised up by then). The older you get, the 'cool' part goes away. We divorced after 22 years and 1 child together. He was an alcoholic the last 10 years so that's why we divorced (not because of the age), but I can't imagine being with him now...I am 58 years old and he's 76. Doesn't sound as cool as 20 and 39 does it? SEcond reason, find a guy with no baggage and start your own family, it's so much easier. And the others are really doesn't get much better. You will always be dealing with 'their past'.

Good luck to you in whatever you decide.


Stressed step mother's picture

Honestly run don't stay in a relationship that already has stress that is never gonna go away. You are so young find your own happiness and have fun doing it! I am in a relationship with a man who is divorced with a son and I love them to death but the ex-wife will always be in the picture and trust me no matter what,she always finds a problem with something that I have done no matter what it is. I honestly think I would leave but,I have a daughter with him and I love him and he is a wonderful father but the stress of the ex is just tooo much. So ya you are only 20 live your life!

English dad with mad ex's picture

my ex-wife of 3-years is insane. she is controlling, nasty, violent and uses the children as some form of pawn in a chess game of hate.

mmm... that's it! its like chess... but the ex has all of her pieces, you only have a king, a knight and 4 pawns. with those pieces you cant play an attacking game- surviving is as good as it gets! Kasparov couldnt win with those pieces...

but- its not all gloom... once the pawns get to the other side you get your best pieces back... ie the children live with you...

then you can get on with your life... until then- smile and grit your teeth...

B in CAN's picture

I have a looney too, but it it the exact way that English Dad says it. Smile, suck it up, because sooner or later if you act like an adult and a parent you will become a parent.

At 15 my daughter came to live with me... at 15 (3 years later) my son came to live with me. My daugher is now out on her own, doing great, and son is doing awesome at home. She sends me the monthly support... to me & my wife.

We finally have our life back. No more crappy calls, no more garbage. It took a while & let me tell you it was not fun to go through, but it sure does feel great to say it's done!


Anonymous121907's picture

My husbands x only bugs us for money and since we have custody of the youngest 17 yo SS she's stopped doing that.

I grew up in a "blended" family similar to the original posters family. All I can say is it was hard on my mom and us kids. Run hard and fast.

Angel's picture

You are too young TO BE IN THIS SITUATION. You haven't even known him long enough to decide anything! Your tastes, wants, judgements haven't even formed yet. What you pick now will probably NOT BE WHAT YOU WANT LATER. Oh, my! Give your life a chance. He, at 39 was a smart one. Get a young girl that doesn't know much about life & let her help him with his kids. If you were my daughter I'd blindfold & kidnap you to get you away from him. YOU'D THANK ME LATER. Your thoughts should be on YOU. Your educational plans, travel, developing interests & hobbies NOT SOMEONE ELSE'S KIDS & PROBLEMS. Oh honey, RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Shame on him!

Mina's picture

My boyfriend of 3 years has an ex that is a wacko. I have learnt to deal with that as she is such a loser that she hardly ever confronts me unlike some of the other stories i have heard above. But recently, she has told my boyfriend several times that she will beat me up if she ever saw me. Even her new husband told my boyfriend that his wife will beat me up if she ever saw me. I am around my boyfriend's 3 kids occasionally and they sometimes invite me to their sports games. What should I do? I am a small person in nature and both of them are big people. Unlike the other stories above, we do not live together and ive never heard her say that to my face, only to my boyfriend.

girly7's picture

My BF not only has a physco ex he has a controlling mother. Not only does he back down from his ex his mother alwasys suggests he does to. His son is handicapped and he is awesome. The ex neglects him and BF does nothing. He does not back me up and allows her to say whatever she wants and then claims he has no feelings for her.

She finds reasons to call using her 19 year old's problems totalk to him. She does not like me. I am not allowed to have an opinion, but expected to care for the child.


When it is just us there are no issues we have fun together and I can't imagine being w/o him. I am tired of being taken for granted and we have only been together a little over a year.

What can I do????

Lost Darter's picture

It never gets any better. I love being married to my DH but I do not like being married to him his ex and the skids. It is a long hard emotional roller coaster especially with the crazy ex. You are young think hard about your decision to stay or go.

Lynn's picture

Take it from someone who knows exactly what u are going to go through if you get into this, because I am twenty, married to a forty year old who was married twelve years and had two kids with that crazy woman.IT IS HELL ON EARTH! If I had anyone to give me advice before I got in this situation I would have gone in a different direction. I love my husband more than anything on this planet and we have a beautiful baby girl together as well, but it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life! The ex gets 1500 a month in child support plus 2000 a month in spousal support (SHe has a job by the way) and still is not happy. She drags us to court every chance she gets and tries to throw my husband in jail too. By the time they take all that money out of his check..we have none to live oN! ITS A NIGHTMARE! She also has turned the 4 year old against us and we have not seen her since August 07 and she and her mother and sister are constantly bad mouthing us to the 11 year old and it upsets her so bad. Its to the point where she hates living with her mom because it is emotionally draining her.I know she hates me because I am twenty years younger, but let me tell you something, I am more mature than she will ever think about being, along with her whole family! Its ridiculous really! I hope that one day everything will die down, but in the mean time, we are broke and it seems as if it will never end.I just hope that you take my advice and think it over before deciding! I wish I would have.Good Luck

stired_crazy's picture

Yep...this is your life if you plan on staying with him, I know how you feel because I go through it with my B.F and his x and they have 5 kids, and his x really is a nut!

I been on this site many times venting and wondering how the heck I was going to be able to live like this or handle it...But I do,
If your relationship with B.F is good and stable then it makes all the easier for you.. it really does.

She sounds jelous and misrable and you have to keep that in mind.I realized you cant always please everybody..including sk mom sometimes.
If you really love him like you say you do you'll be down for the battle and let nothing she does or says divert you from the kind of life you want to have with your man, because obviously its a life she wish she still had. Smile

michelledubos's picture

It is comforting to hear everyone share regarding ex's. I have the same situation too. The ex wife is remarried but constantly talks us down to the children. It is too maddening to explain the whole situation. She is a borderline personality and takes medication. I am new to being a parent let alone a stepmother. I am open to any suggestions on how to keep my cool and not to take things too personal and remember that the children are #1. Thanks everyone!!

markerfelt's picture

Hang in there. She will never change and you and your bf will always be wrong and she will always make you guys look bad. It is sad if you think about it....she will never be happy. If she would just get over her bitterness she would be fine...but remember she is sick and not normal. So, you are stuck with this situation. you sound like you have a strong head on your shoulders.

Mercedes's picture


This is my situation, I just started dating a divorced man. I am 45, never married and have no kids, he is 50 was married but has three grown children (all in their 20's).

Now what seems to be bothering me is, first I have not met the ex yet, but have met the children, now she is moving down the street from my bf (the ex husband), with the two sons that live with her. My question is, is that not weird, why would you decide to live down the street, can she not decide to live somewhere else? Its not as if the children are little, their grown up now. He says he loves me, and I'm not sure if she is seeing someone, and he has been divorced for 8 years now, and he had a previous relationship after his divorce that ended a couple of months ago. He has told me there is nothing between them, and the ex left him, but I'm just wondering what I'm going to get into. He tells me, he has been married to her for 23 years (they married young), and she will always be a part of his life, because she is the mother of his children. Yes I understand that, but this seems to bother me. Am I overreacting? Will it become more complicated, and should it be complicated, now that they have moved on.... Just wondering how this will turn out.

Thanks for your comments.

Angel's picture

The fact that he is telling you that he loves you and is only 2 months out of a relationship is a "bright red" flag. Sit and watch for a good long while before you give your heart to him. The ex-wife so close by is another "bright red" flag. It doesn't necessarily mean that it is doomed, but I'd be watching with extra long feelers. Good luck.

torturedmommydearest's picture

it is to know that all of you are just like me. Haley it does not get any better. My DH and I have been married for a little over 4 years and it gets worse every single day. I love him so much and I am really blessed to have him because he is great. His ex is psycho, controlling, lies, manipulates and has managed to turn DH family not only against me, but him too. One blogger said expect to go to court and expect to lose, they are right. No matter what proof you have, there are too many mommy judges in this world. The judge told DH psycho ex that she got an F in parenting and she still got what she wanted. She has been remarried, but I promise it did not help. She has been in a relationship with what seems to be a good guy (poor sap), but it has not helped. She expects me to ask permission before I said yes to marriage, before I said I DO, and now before we get pregnant. She even refused to refinance the house into her name and was one payment from forclosure just so we could not buy a home of our own. Right before court she paid up so she would look better. She tell Skids DH does not pay her CS which is a total lie b/c it comes straight from his check. Over 1100 a month, but she can't afford anything (she too has a job). One SD is hook, line and sinker with everything out of her moms mouth (she is identical in charater and behavior), the other SD is getting there I think. I often look back and wonder how my life would be different. Think long and hard haley before you invest yourself 100%. My skids were great in the beginning and then wickedly turned.

Anonymous Again's picture

Well, I married at 24 years old to a 29 year old with an ex and three beautiful children (girl and twin boys). It has been h**. The daughter moved in with us at age 14. Because of this, the BM did everything possible to convince the twins to live with her. One twin moved in with her at 15 and the other at age 17 1/2. Immediately following, she filed to double child support as they were 18 and still in high school until age 19. Our child support just went up $750 a month until graduation! Vindictive and hateful! I have been through similar for 12 years. I love my husband but had I known at age 23, when I met my husband, I would have run the other way! The daughter turned out beautifully and goes to college. My advice, if he is "the one", you will have to be iron strong. The twins are now acting like mother and it's difficult to not be resentful after my husband and I did all the hard work, and she takes all the credit. They are drinking and being wild, and she is lying and covering up for them. I thought it would get easier/end at age 18 but it DOES NOT! My poor husband, thank gosh has a good job and ME. I have a good job but we can say goodbye to $1300 a month child support to two 18 year olds still in high school. And the ex does this all for vengeance. I reacted after 12 years and she loved it. Don't react. Take the higher ground and IGNORE her. Pray a lot and lastly, control what you can control... your job, your marriage health, your health. It's been better without the twins as the ex can't make chaos on a weekly basis. We also cut off phone contact.

Nya's picture

I feel a lot better knowing that I am not the only one in the world with these problems. I am also 20 and on my senior year of college. My bf is 29 and has been going through this divorce thing forever. The court just said they would send us a letter in 10-15 days. He has a 10 year-old that i have only seen twice but he sees her every other weekend. The ex called me more than he did until I changed my number for the 5th time. This is so much for me to handle and my Mother keeps telling me to let it go. The messages have been conflicting. Some say run some say ride it out. She calls his job, used to show up, shows up at our house,shows up at my mother's, follows me when she sees my driving,writes messages to me on myspace, lies to his daughter about us, and has used his whole mother's side of the family. What do I do? I know she doesn't want him when he is single. She just doesn't want him to be with anyone else. But she will do anything to get him and when we did break up because of her meddleing...they hooked up. I have been sooooo miserable and my friends can't relate. He should have put his foot down but he didn't and I still love him. I feel like it will only get worse. Sometimes I wish we could move to another state, but he has made it clear his daughter comes before anyone and he will not leave so I am stuck with everyone hating me. I bought a cat during this situation to comfort me and she has been one of my biggest blessings, but things have not gotten better. Someone please help! or atleast wave a magic wand to erase this nightmare.

Rags's picture


Welcome to the community. I hope you find it a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful perspective.

For community members familiar with my story my opening comment on the subject line may seem a bit hypocritical. Please bear with me for a moment.

I am 12 years older than my wife. She was 18 and I was 30 when we married. Our age difference has not been an issue in our marriage. I have loved experiencing things that may be repeat activities for me but are new for her. Experiencing them again with her made them as thrilling as the first time I experienced it. In our case the age difference has not been a detriment to our blended family situation. In fact it has been a benefit. My wife is the one who brought a kid to the marriage. Because I am older and was established when we married I have been able to support her in any conflicts with BioDad and his family. In your case the age difference is 180degrees different than our situation.

My wife moved very quickly through young adulthood because she was a Mom. She had to grow up over night when she became a Mom at 16. I did not have to grow up quickly and probably still have not in many ways and I just turned 45.

You have the world ahead of you, you are not a single teen mom and taking on the baggage of a middle aged man, his children and his XW is something I would recommend that you not do. A twenty year age difference is not a big deal depending on which end of life you are on. If you were 40 and he was 60 then it would be no big deal. You are 19 and he is 39. He has had his youth, grown his adult perspectives and has made decisions he can not change. You have your youth to live,your own decisions to make and your own life forming experiences to have.

Rather than skip your young adult formative years and experiences by jumping straight to the life of a 40y/o second wife (if you marry his family you will not have the chance to be the 20yr old hotty turning all of the frat boys heads as you saunter around campus) I would recommend that you go to college, experience the wonders of your 20's and then get married and start a family of your own rather than taking on someone else's.

Step parenting is a very noble decision but is is the most difficult thing a person can choose to do IMHO. At 20 you would be giving up entirely to much if you make that decision now.

Just my thoughts of course.

Best regards,

K60's picture

I am 20, he's 42, four kids (2 year old twin girls, 9 year old boy, 11 year old girl), and the A-typical controlling, lying, manipulating ex-wife who still doesn't seem to be "over it".

She called from bars, drunk, crying into the phone--My husband just hung up, but only after about having his heart leap from his chest because he thought there was an emergency with the kids! She's stopped doing this, but continues to call/text/email at ALL hours of the morning, day, and night! We have to constantly keep changing the rules to more and more strict b/c she simply won't follow any or show any kind of respect towards us, let alone even care about the ramifications, even on herself! I am not worried about them having an intimate relationship, but the constant annoyances irritated me to the point that it wears me out completely emotionally. I stay angry for long periods of time b/c nothing is EVER resolved with her. All she wants to keep doing is FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!

My husband and I aren't used to the fighting in our home, but she brings it with every communication. She simply CANNOT be nice for one sentence. We've told her we all need to be business-like when we communicate, and it should only be through texting (so as to still have court proof but decrease her conversation as she dislikes texting), and only at certain hours, and preferably only once a week. She usually calls 6 times a day, sends several texts, and will even write an email on top of it all to vent more....Really working here! :? :-? :puzzled:

What KILLS me is that my husband shows lack of backbone b/c he doesn't always stand up to her b/c he thinks by keeping her calm and happy, things will go smoother and he'll get his way. She puts herself in a position of authority over him by numerous different ways, and she KNOWS what she's doing--getting him to bend over for her so he can take it up the a** so he can appease her! It's a sick, vicious cycle, and even though I've explained this to my husband numerous times, he keeps coming up with one more excuse as to why he should just be polite, allowing her to walk all over us, say whatever she wants to, and continue to control MY life by controlling his! He's passive aggressive, and although being passive-aggressive is best in a lot of different situations, it is NOT good when you are continuing to allow someone to trash your life! I don't see how I can get him to be more forceful with her and keep his foot down with the rules we set--he even goes and breaks them! And, yes, I've even broken at least one, but we ALL three need to keep one another in check. His biggest complaint with her childrearing skills was that she would not follow-through on discipline. I'm starting to lose respect for my husband for his hyprocricy.

I love my husband, and I know I made the right choice. We are best friends above anything else. But it's this one difference in personalities that we're having a strain on standing up to his ex. She is just going to continue to walk all over us if we don't stay firm in the rules. But he thinks everything will just calm down with time. My argument is, "Who's to say HOW MUCH time?" Why let her behave unadultlike? Why not stand up for your schedule, legal rights, personal life?

Does any body out there have any advice on just dealing with this one subject: how to meet in the middle with handling his ex when you have two different approaches, although EVERYTHING else it seems, we do 100% the same....This is a hurdle for us, and it's starting to wear me down because I simply can't see the light at the end of the tunnel if something doesn't change NOW to calm her down.

Please help,

sarah1971's picture

Please don't waste your life like I did. Your young you have your whole life ahead of you do you really want all this baggage? Most men your age have never been married and would love to start a family with you. Do you want to be a 3rd wheel on his ready made family? Sorry to be so down but a day does not go by for me without dreaming what my life could have been. Not all divorce situations are bad but if your posting here yours can't be to good. So please do whats best for yourself before its to late and your 40 looking back with nothing but regrets.

MegaMintChip's picture

I am so sorry for what you're going through. I'm married to a man, with him for 3 years, and he has 4 outstanding kids. I love them and do not introduce them as my "stepkids". They're just my kids. He has 3 women he's made children with - he had a busy early 20's but has since grown up. I get along fantastically with his ex wife, and another mom. His ex g/f though, mother of 2 of the boys, is the most hateful and hurtful people I've ever met. She has gone out of her way and made it her mission in life to make me miserable from the moment she found out about me. She went so far as, when finding out he proposed to me, to ask him to come home, and that his children didn't even miss him or ask for him anymore, and that I was responsible for tearing their family apart, and that I would be the one to ask him to give his kids up. Later down the road, she even asked him to terminate his rights - uhm...NO!!! I try to set up visits and make sure the kids have fun and know that just because they don't live with us all the time, it's still their home and tell them all the time how much they are loved. I even get mother's day gifts and love letters from my boys. My children are the greatest joy of my life. She remarried and had a baby who's now 1, and is pregnant again, though she is incapable of financially supporting any of her kids. I am currently trying to get pregnant, and it's hurtful to me when she tells me "Maybe you and he could have a baby if he'd just give up my kids"....Well, I didn't ask her for permission and my husband and I make enough money to support all 4 of his kids plus a new one on our own without child support. Her last stunt was horrible. After splitting up years ago, they never went to court for custody, but she did file for CS, which is fine and we're happy to support his kids. Her oldest came to visit and asked us to live with us. We did not want to be sneaky, so we talked to her about it. A few weeks later, my husband got served with custody papers, with the cause being listed as she is AFRAID for her children's SAFETY. Oh My Goodness! She has to have a reason to file papers, and that should not be it! The kids are well taken care of, provided for, and most importantly LOVED. She is just angry her son doesn't want to live with her anymore, because she treats him like a little cinder-fella, and as the oldest he has way too much on his shoulders, which is unfortunately the norm, but the amount of responsibility he has is ridiculous. We are hurt because we could have filed without so much as a word to her, but we wanted to include her in on the decision. Her only answer is that she needs the child support, and can't pay her utilities without it. Well, if you would get off of public assistance, unemployment (that she's been on for god knows how long - she's not had a job but for a couple months since I've met my husband) and get a job, or her husband would get a job (also leeching unemployment) perhaps they could pay their own bills. So now we pay not just for our boys, but for her baby she had with another man. Yet her hair and nails continue to get done, while I dye my hair out of a $10 box of Clairol. Infuriating. So I too, like the original poster, wonder - is this IT?!?! Is this how it is always going to be??!?! Any thoughts, anyone?

Janey1970's picture

If only I had known then what I know now I would have never have got involved. Don't waste your life being a martyr. You have plenty of time to find a partner with no crazy baggage because believe me, as the children get older, the misery increases.

Graduations, weddings, family gatherings, all ends in tension and hostility. Not good for any relationship.

The acid test though, is your bf's attitude to his ex. Be honest with yourself. Does he support you 100% throughout, or are you left silently seething with the way he handles things?

Anna Blue's picture

I just want to say. I UNDERSTAND!!!

I am 26 and my DH is 45.

My DH’s psycho ex made a facebook page saying I harm children, stalked me, emailed my friends, and family telling them lies about me, called me a slut in a public space, contacted people in my profession….and the list goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on….

One thing I can say is that the first year is the hardest. It will be intense.
The upsets become fewer and far between as time goes on….but, they don’t really disappear. You will develop a thick skin and get used to it.

I sense you really love this guy. You have to hold on to that.
Just make sure to set up boundaries to protect yourself as best you can. Document everything.

#1 is to be happy.

E1973's picture

Although it doesn't solve my problems, it is so comforting to read the stories from so many other step-parents. I admit I try, but the stress from the BM gets to me consistently. I shudder when I think about what my SD16, SS14 and SS12 have endured over the years and I pray they do not turn out like their BM. Before I met my husband, I thought people like her only existed in movies, soap operas or books. The best way to describe her would be an uneducated, mentally ill waste-of-space, but she is someone who can cause havoc in the lives of so many people. I am tired of the false accusations, court, death threats. We have lulls, but it just picks back up again. Things really do not get better.

Kaloda's picture

Hi Everyone

I regularly use this site as my 'therapy' and here I am doing so tonight. I am three years into my relationship with my boyfriend. I have one biological son and three step daughters. Unfortunately I have to deal with the ex wife .. actually that sounds bloody good .. the divorce was only made final less than two months ago and beleive me she dragged that out as long as she could.

I am dealing with a classic case of 'I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to'.. oh and did I mention that we are all meant to worship her forever as she is 'THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN' and the best mother in the world??? Granted, she's certainly not the worst mum in the world but she certainly isn't the best by any stretch of the imagination .. but there again no-one is perfect.

What she is though is a lying manipulative evil vindictive bitch that cannot get over the fact that her ex has met someone and is happy. She is an expert in emotional blackmail and laying the guilt on. The first year of our relationship was horrendous and I ended up leaving my boyfriend as I couldn't take it any more. He soon realised that he didn't want to lose me but it was sad that it had to come to that and that it caused so much hurt and pain in the process.

Right from the start, I have showed his ex nothing but respect as the mother of the children and tried to be considerate and understanding that she was finding it hard to move on. Looking back now, I wish I never bothered... all it did was cause hurt and resentment in my relationship with my boyfriend and to be honest while we are so happy in every other aspect of our relationship, her bitchiness and jealousy erodes our relationship so much that I actually wonder if it is all worth it. It is the only thing we argue about. I could go on all night and explain the situations that I have found myself in but I don't know if I would stop and we could end up with a five page blog on our hands!!

To sum up.. don't kid yourself that it will ever change. I thought it would and did everything humanly possible to make the situation more amicable. I am now three years in and it's only getting worse. I'm not saying don't try to be amicable, by all means do so and do kill her with kindness. It wont help with her but you will be able to hold your head up high and keep your self respect. I just think that at twenty years old, you should'nt be dealing with this. I'm nearly thirty three and I am wondering if I am too young to be dealing with this, I've ended up having counselling sessions because of all the crap that I've had to put up with. Just what ever you do, be true to yourself and don't let your partner guilt trip you into putting up with a situation that deep down you know isn't right .. I'm a soppy cow at heart and believe me I am the worlds worst.

In all honesty, run girl run!!! What ever you do though I wish you the best of luck xx

KCLynne's picture

I to am dealing with the same thing. My BF and I have been together for a year and a half. He gets his daughter during the summer. Last summer she told him that she wouldn't let him have her unless she met me. Well I wasn't flying from AZ to VA to meet her. He told her to just deal with it and to quit being a bitch. Now it's time for him to have her again, and she's pulling the same crap. This time it's I want you back. YOu won't get your daughter unless you cease all contact with her. Now she's been in about 8 relationship in 2 years, moving in and out with guys. My BF and I have have been living together almost from the start, and about every 4 or 5 months she does this. It wreaks havoc on me and our relationship, but he told me to ignore her. When she started sending me nasty grams online I blocked her. Now, after two weeks, she's trying so hard to get him back that she changed her mind about her daughter coming here because she's trying to play nice. Next week she'll want to be my best friend. I hate it, but as he told me from the beginning she's nuts and she'll try this. It's her way of playing games. The best thing you can do is try to ignore her as much as possible, even though it bugs the hell out of you, and let him deal with her, but you need to tell him that you won't put up with her badmouthing you and you're not going away. If he wants you in his life, she'll just have to deal. She has no control over who is in his life, and the courts would tell her the same thing. I wish you the best of luck. I know exactly what you are going through.

MW's picture

All I did was google cant stand ex wife, and I cant believe how many people have the same situation as me, and I read your stories tearfully because I honestly thought it would get better in time and it doesn't sound like it from ALL of the stories. Why does it have to be so hard??? There is so much stress, and it seems every time i am around anyone all they want to do is talk about her and that is the last thing i want to hear. I am nice to her to her face, but deep inside it is eating me up because she is so awful! Its nice to have a place to vent...

Fed Up's picture

Here I am 5 years later and it has only gotten worst - R U N .......... My story started out just as many of you have posted, there is no difference in the scenerios. Let her have him back, find someone who, like you have not been married before and move on. My Husband is great but he has NO BACKBONE and their is nothing more unattractive than a weak Man. And to all of you who said these men have beautiful daughters and great kids, I truly hope you feel that way in 5 years, remember.... the kids come from the same stock as the Mother. I googled "how to deal with his ex" and it brought me to this site. I expected advice but I got something even better, a reality check. This is an ongoing saga that that I can still get out of.

Best Wishes to you all!!!

Newbie's picture

Wow it was amazing to read all of the posts. I always felt like a well balanced, intelligent person until lately being in a situation with an ex wife. I met and fell in love with my current honey a year ago but had NO IDEA the level of committment it was going to take. I feel like I've lost all patience and life is a daily battle of dealing with the ex. I also have been told to "BE THE BIGGER PERSON"...don't say anything to her to rock the boat because she may take us back to's all the manipulation and control over the kids and money. She's about made him broke and taken away his pride and feeling of self worth. If cheating wasn't enough she calls daily to manipulate him and play games. She even goes so far as to call me when she can't reach him or his son (this is new and believe me is going to end as fast as it started). I have never felt this much anger inside and I don't like who it's made me become. I love my honey but i also wonder what this is doing to me. I have faith that we will perservere but it surely is a long road ahead! I feel like life is about picking your battles and this sure is a tough one to decide on!

pafreema's picture

Yes, this how it's going to be. If your are wise run away and never look back. Be thankful that you are not any further into that mess than you already are. It will be wisest thing you ever do.

It all just gets worse as time goes on -especially after marriage.

StrongWoman75's picture

You were the OW ( other woman)sEperated from his wife for 4 years and magically met you? you actually believe this man?

Plus you're 20 years-old he is 19 years older then you, and you wonder why mom has such a problem?

run do not walk run away.

lovestepmoms's picture

Yes, everyone on here that says it will be like this is telling you the truth. It will be hard and sometimes you may want to give up or wonder what the heck you got yourself into but if you work at it, it can work. I am 28 and my husband is 18 yrs older than me. We have been together for 5.5 years and will be married for 3 in December. My husbands ex is wacko and we have gone through hell dealing with her. But I would never tell you to walk away from someone you love people told me to do the same thing and thank God I didn't listen. I am married to a wonderful husband that treats me like a queen and would do anything for me. I know I am fortune!!! Good Luck!!!

aprn's picture

To start, I think need some help. I am not sure how to handle the exwife issue either. I have been married to my DH for 2 years. When we started dating, he had a 2 yr old son. His wife had cheated on him and racked up about 40,000 in crdt card debt when the got divorced. We now have our own daughter. My problem is the communication between my dh and the bm. It seems that she is always calling or texting something. She makes it out to be something important, but in actuality it could wait until my ss is swapped - we keep him one week and she one week. She has told him bad things about me (including that "they were a family until i came along!!) I don't think my DH takes up for me regarding these issues. I think he would rather just not "disturb the peace". I feel like I have another women pulling my husbands strings and there is nothing I can do about it. I have trid to keep my mouth shut, really I have, but sometimes it is more than i can bear. He doesn't understand how or why I feel this way. Does anyone have advice?? I know that being sm is hard and i know that i volunteered to be in this situation, it just isnt' getting any better!

ojykceb's picture

I say run like hell or don't even think of marrying him until she is firmly in her place. I cannot figure out why this is too much to ask! I am new to this site and am grateful for it! I am working hard on new understandings and revelations but I am not sure I will ever be able to completely forgive may man "allowing" BM and SD to blatantly disrespect me. Had I known it would have been such a tug of war. I do not understand why people seem to believe that being an ex wife/BM or a skid, gives you an open license to hurt and ruin people. Haley, there are a lot of veteran's on here and I don't hear many or any saying "it will get better" but I do hear a lot of them saying, "it's going to get worse". Believe it.

primin's picture

You are 20 years old with your whole life in front of you. Please don't step into a situation like this. You should look at going to college, join the Peace Corp, travel, anything but step into something that is beyond difficult to deal with.

I'm in my early 40's and married someone 10 years older. He's a Physician and I have a Masters degree in Special Education and I can't deal with the crazy ex, the never-ending drama and the intense resentment I feel after 6 months of marriage. I don't see it changing and if I could go back in time two years ago I would. I honestly feel like I've ruined my life.

You are too young with too much to look forward to. You can do anything you want with your life if you just believe in yourself. If you think things may be easier to settle for him, think again. It can be harder than you can ever imagine.

Sooz's picture

I am newly 48,
Separated with 2 grown stepsons in their mid-late 20's.
I get along well w/my former spouse (he is in Madrid and I am in the USA, so it makes it easier). And love my stepsons very much.

My new "BF" is 50, separated and has 4 kids:
2 teens at home, ages 16 (boy) and 17 (girl), one in college 20 (girl) and one a grad and teacher age 24 (girl).

STB Ex Wife is age 43, has been dating her HS sweetheart since the separation in June. (They separated in Jan, legally and formally in June this yr). He can file for divorce 31 June 2011 and me, 15 April 2011.
Even though she has a BF, she appears very jealous of me.

She is a petite gal, a bit stocky, but I think she is still very pretty. As she feels better about herself and is exposed to the world via her new career, she will feel more confident and happy with whom she is as a woman (and I am hoping less intimidated by me).

She has this BF, who she apparently loves and it appears, they want to marry. (Unfortunately, my BF says she has gained perhaps up to 20lbs, hence that does not help my situation.) She got pregnant at age 17 and they married when she was 18. It appears she has low self esteem having never worked, travelled or a sense of self-accomplishment (despite raising what appear to be 4 bright, lovely children).

My BF is a wonderful father and has a successful career. It appears he and his stb ex wife drifted apart but he wanted the divorce a bit more. Again, there ARE 2 sides to every story and I do not know hers.

I am a tall, slim, athletic natural redhead with an hourglass figure. Have travelled the globe and led what most would consider an exciting life. (I worked very hard to earn and maintain that.) I have the support of friends from both coasts of the USA and around the globe, had a wonderful career at the Pentagon before living in Spain the last 2yrs, and am back home in VA working on resurrecting my career.

I am also a 2x cancer Prevailer and could never have children of my own. Having had a wicked step mother and abusive stepfather (both of whom I have long forgiven), I know first hand what is like to be a child of divorce, to be neglected, and also what it is to take those experiences and be a loving, devoted step-parent.

My BF made the mistake of telling her (and the kids) about me (I just met him in early Nov). I wanted him to wait until after Christmas. And ideally for at least 3 months before he mentioned anything to his kids or the wife. I feel his personal life is none of their business anyway.

She calls me a "socialite" and his "online hookup" (not quite the way we met - we have a great deal in common because of my background, our upbringing and careers) (but she met her BF via reconnecting on Facebook!) and now that she has seen my flair for gift wrapping his children's gifts (as seen under the tree), calls me a "bitch" and has threatened him via Facebook to keep me away from the kids. BTW, she paid $50 or so to do an online search about me, and only found favorable info that makes her more jealous. (My resume and career support docs are all public).

Clearly, if she knew me, would never feel that way. I am a very nice, sensitive person and would never intentionally cause any friction in her relationship with her kids. I get along very well and in fact like, my husband's 1st wife. (This is my only marriage, by the way.) I also work to remind my BF why she is feeling and acting the way she is, to be gentle, but at the same time, to stand up to her politely and firmly. Also, to never say anything negative, EVER, now or in the future about her to his children. (Been there as a child and it is NOT ideal.)

I told my BF (who loves me very much, btw) that perhaps we should simply avoid one another completely until the holidays are over, until things calm down and if he is still interested, to give me a call. He cried and says he does not want that. I told him, OK< then, with the right attitude and grace, we can handle anything. It is not going to be easy.

Also, the kids seem to have no problem with their mother having a boyfriend, who buys them bday and holiday presents (trying to buy them it seems), but because of the mother, seem to want to hate anyone who makes their father happy. (I am not sure of this, but it appears to be headed that way.)

However, I will not stand for this woman calling me a bitch, ever.

And I told him I will not ever stand for being put in 2nd place ever again behind a former wife. His children come first and always will, but as the woman in his life he is thinking of marrying, his new wife comes first, too, but on another level. (Meaning, kids come first, but do not neglect the adult love relationship.)

(My husband was so afraid of his first wife post the divorce (all in his head), that he took all his hate and anger out on me...the prob, was, as a new, innocent, loving wife, I let him and failed to set boundaries thinking he would get over it and things would improve. Not so. Once a person becomes abusive, it is that much easier to cross the line and get worse. It only escalated from there, hence why I finally left him.)

SO - I am setting boundaries NOW. Letting him know how I desire to be treated and what is not acceptable. I can tolerate and bend a great deal, but I will not subjugate myself ever again to a former wife who bullies her husband who allows it.

What can I do to help him through this Holiday Season? Without meeting the stb ex wife, how can I help her? The kids? The best thing I know is to be myself and to push him away if he fails to deal with the situation in an adult manner.

Any and all advice is appreciated. Many thanks.


StepsunkMom's picture

Dont let her get to have met the biggest challenges yet.Winning the kids love!!Bravo!!I know it can be really testing when the x or bm is a b.But now you things may be, you are younge and you have no ties to your bf.He now needs to stick up for you and let this x know that she needs to leave you alone.My bf of 2 years..never stuck up for me.His x hates me and always caused prob.I now have a 8 month old daughter with my bf and that dumb x crossed the line when she brought my daugher in her and my bfs bull arguing.I stick up for me now and my daughet.Its a shit.Its pretty sad when a grown man is afrain to loose his 10 9 yrs old kids protecting his baby and gf.If this is a road your willing to take and can bare the pain.Then stick it out ysister..if not.Run for the hillsYOUr younge.Ans have no ties to this man yet.Sorry to be blunt..but thats the realiy.
Pray on it....God is Love.He will lead you in the right direction.And he will never give you what your soul cant handle.Even if it feels as if you cant handle it.YOU allready are.!!

kateonthebackburner's picture

Reading all these blogs has helped feel I'm not alone. I'm been going thru a lot of the same things. I married my husband 7 years ago. He has an ex and 2 kids 9 and 12. I'd never had a relationship with a man with kids (I don't had kids). On our third date, the first time we were intimate, at his place, we were still in bed and his ex suddenly banged on the door with the two kids and said "I'm going out, here you take them". It was not his night to get them so he was surprised but in come the kids, and out of bed I got and I said hi to them and it was so awkward (the first time I met the kids) so I said a nice goodbye and left for the evening. I felt misgivings about the future of the relationship. And I have felt that since. Even though the kids and I get alone fine. The problem in my head is feeling like I am on the back burner to whatever his ex pulls. I saw an old Eastenders episode the other week: Kate and Phil got married and Phil has possession of the toddler he and Lisa had together, but Lisa was out of the picture but she shows up at the reception. Phil says he is not going on the honeymoon he is staying to fight with Lisa who is probably back to take the child. So Kate's married is one hour old and she is already on the back burner to Phil's domestic crap she did not have anything to do with. So that is me. Always on the back burner to the text messages from my husband's ex. Even though he doesn't like his ex she is a little messed up in the head and has no boundaries. She calls him to fix her car. He complains to me and he sees the boundary is crossed but he does it these things anyway. I have even used my own triple A membership to tow her car when she called stranded. She gave up to the right to him as her handyman when they divorced. She hasn't remarried. She is disorganized and chaotic and is unable to keep a regular visitating schedule, the schedule is "whenever she feels like it". Totally random. I have had a hard time dealing with the chaos, not knowing what was going on from one week to the next. The holidays are the worst. After 7 years of the stress, I am seriously thinking of splitting from my husband. He never made me a priority. Not only that but his ex costs me money from my own paycheck because when she needs bailing out and he bails her out, I have to make up the difference in our household finances. Something doesn't feel right and I wasn't able to actually describe it to myself or to someone else until I saw the Eastenders episode and saw myself. I kept thinking the ex would change and get herself together so we didn't have to hear about her problems but it hasn't changed in 7 years. I dread every time I hear my husbands phone go off with another text message. I think it is time to go. I would appreciate any comments...

kateonthebackburner's picture

This may be weird but I'm replying to own entry. "You, my friend, are an idiot. That first night, you should have run for the hills. While it was early and you didn't commit to him yet, and it was easier to say sorry this scene is not for me, you're really cute but this stuff is not for me, I can't compete with this. But you didn't. Idiot. You should have done that before you made a commitment and invested years of your short life. That was so stupid. Because getting out of it now is much harder. Now you're married. Dumb move on your part. You could have stayed boyfriend and girlfriend, instead of getting married. Before he met you he was living off ramen soup after they take child support out of his paycheck. Who's fault is that, yours? Are you the savior of meek men? Now your finances are inter-mingled and he is doing much better and doesn't have as much financial worries, and his cell phone is in your name because he screwed his credit. Before you met him, you had yourself to support. Now you have him, his ex (indirectly) and 2 kids that aren't yours. And no savings that you used to have. Way to go! Are you a masochist? Do you want to be a doormat? Do you want to spend your life supporting other people who are able-bodied adults but are just incompetent or lazy or feel like the normal rules don't apply to them and so they can live off their ex and the taxpayers supporting the welfare system they signed up to receive benefits from? Is that all fine with you? Just because you're willing to work a forty hour job and his ex can't manage that herself because she can't be a team player and is too self-absorbed and cranky to keep a normal job and maybe her tatoos have something to do with it, is that your problem? Does she belong to you? Are her problems supposed to be yours? How did they become yours? Who said so? Nobody right? Do you want to spend the rest of your life listening to your husband complain about his ex and what she said or did today, while you both get stressed out dealing with the latest drama and you are on the porchsteps hyperventilating at being overwhelmed at the chaos? Getting involved with him was the biggest blunder of your life. 7 years into it may seem like too late to get out but it is better than adding another year and making it 8. Stop it before it goes on any longer." That is my advice to myself.

ddakan's picture

I've been with DH 10 years, and the BM Bitch has never changed and still only wants to cause trouble with me and my family.

Get out. You are too young to ruin your life this way. Find someone who doesn't have kids and have some fun!!!

Lola Leigh's picture

I know it may seem like he is a great guy, but you are so young, you would be better off finding someone who is in your situation: just starting out and getting their life together. It is an incredible burden on you once you are in this position and everyone will expect you to put his kids first. I put myself in this position and I do regret it. I do love my DH but the stress and worry over the issues with blended families is just incredibly exhausting and overwhelming.

Manda mad gf's picture

WOW, I am so glad to read (as horrible as it is) that I’m not alone, ugh… I have been with my Fiancé now for 3 ½ years. We dating a very short time 16 years ago and found each other again after he separated from his Ex-wife of 9 years of marriage but they had been together off and on since they were in high school. I have never had to deal with disgruntled EXs before. I am good friends with my ex-husbands wife and still really good friends with him as well. I am also still a good friend with one of my ex’s I was with for 10 years as well and ok so far friends with his new gf. So, all of this hostility is not fun with my fiancé’s ex-wife. We had bad words exchanges between us in the past me and the ex-wife. She also pressed false charges against my fiancé for domestic abuse and said he choked her right in front of all of us. We went to court and proved her a liar. She was trying to attack me that day. Anyway, so very understandable he is very distrust worthy of her in every way, on the phone, in person, etc… After all that drama she continued to try and break us apart by calling for no real reason, trying to hug all over him when he would go get his daughter. He at that time had to eat a whole lot of humble pie because the divorce was in full force now and didn’t want to “piss” her off so he could get what he wanted out of the divorce. I became pregnant; she found out and started her rant again she retaliated by putting a false statement in the newspaper stating that her and her new bf were getting married and put that my fiancé’s parents were her parents. (In my opinion that only made her look dumb) IFY: the marriage never happened. She involved anyone and everyone that would listen to her “poor me” rants including his family and friends. She told them all kind of lies about him and me. As a result family and friends became split and strained. Long long story there as well. It became a huge problem in our relationship because he didn’t trust her enough to deal with her on his own or by himself I should say because of the lies she drug him through court with and almost lost his daughter for two years over. Added to that he only had fake support from some of his ex-friends and father because he was feeding to her needs and butting in and causing more problems, as if we didn’t have enough already. I started dealing with her (BIG MISTAKE) don’t ever do that it is their responsibility and baggage not yours to bear. I butted in when it directly affected me or my children. Like the time his daughter had an infestation with head lice (doctors words) for over a year and half. I wrote her a letter stating that something needs to be done about this issue and even gave her tips and websites on how to get rid of the problem. I was not rude or mean in any way I just let her know that the daughter is the one suffering not us. She accused me of harassing HER go figure. I take full responsibility on the fact that my fiance should have done it not me but he didn’t and I was the one left the pick every egg and bug out of her (to her butt) long hair and washing everything in the house to protect us and my kids. Anyway long story short she still wants to be with him and he doesn’t want anything to do with her and I will no longer carry the burden of his ex-wife’s hang ups. I Love him and his daughter very much. Me and his daughter have a very good relationship which is another thing she can’t stand because her son is her first priority not her daughter and she feels loved when she is with us not left out. But all in all it makes me feel better that I can go somewhere and read things that are a lot similar to what I am going though and that I am not alone. I sugar coating a lot in this short tell it's a lot more viscous then i let on. Thank you all for sharing your stories……
Manda anger towards the ex-wife

lovinglife's picture

I have been w/ my BF for the past 2.5 years. His ex-wife (divorce was finalized in July after a 3 year separation) is a nightmare. She is super manipulative, bitter and relentless. Just a side note - our relationship is 100% legit -- nothing ever happened before he was separated. Everyone from his life that I meet says the same thing about her - she is a mess with a miserable face. She tells her kids (college age) terrible things about both of us, and always emails my BF statements like "the boys know about your actions". As if she gets pleasure out of poisoning them. The kids are great - mostly because they are old enough to realize how ridiculous all of this is, but it really takes a toll. She is a hoarder and holds his last remaining items in the house hostage. He even had to get a police escort to get the last of his personal items from the house before it sold. The worst part is that she has this hideous bitter friend who constantly eggs the Ex-wife on. My car has been keyed, my office vandalized, prank phone calls, "anonymous" letters --- you name it, she has done it. I almost wonder how far she will take things. My friends think she will calm down a bit after she meets a new man. But to be honest, I can't imagine any man wanting her. She is bitter, and the bitterness has made her incredibly ugly inside and out. I saw her profile on j-date and she mentions multiple times about how she wants to "share tears" with her new partner. Really unappealing. It's really difficult for me not to get a knot in my stomach over her antics. I try not to take it out on my BF as he is the one who really needs to deal with her - but she goes so far as to not make tuition payments, etc for the kids because she wants my BF to suffer and pay more than his share.

The biggest challenge is that she is extremely manipulative. She cries, gabs to anyone who will listen and plays the victim role very well. I know the best avenue to take is to rise above it all, but can someone actually shut off the emotion and pretend nothing is going on?

Roshe's picture

Today I was looking for info on how to deal with vengeful/manipulative x-wives and this site had some interesting comments. It's odd that there's none newer than Jan 2010 - - it'd be great if that meant there's only ONE horrible X left out there! Smile My hubby & I have just faced the worst of the worst (at least to us) in that yesterday his X finally coerced the youngest 13y/o into turning against his father and refusing to come home for visitation. EvilX told him that he didn't have to go and that his dad would have to go to court to force him. The oldest identifies strongly with her and is very manipulative also - he's 15... has refused to come for visitation for a year and before that ran away, tried to pull the steering wheel & cause a wreck in the car on the way back home, etc.. Once, he threw himself on the ground screaming "don't hit me again" VERY loudly so neighbors could hear and then texted his mom - - so she called human services (DHR) and they sent someone and a policeman. Fortunately, since NOTHING had occurred and the kid was a KID, the policeman basically gave my hubby instructions on how to "acceptably" apply corporal punishment if needed in front of the kid. DHR wrote up the incident but it was not negative. The evilX tried to use it in court but was unsuccessful. The younger child has been wonderful to know and have for a year and a half until 2 weeks ago. His personality began to sour. We NEVER disparage his mom and make it a point not to discuss divorce-things. We focus on character, work ethic, family time. The evilX over-schedules, allows TV, video games & friends at every empty moment unless she's involved them in every sports activity available at the moment. Even when we had visitation, it was mostly hubby going to be a taxi or getting pressure to do "fun stuff" or "buy me this or that". The parenting strategy was in complete opposition since their birth and it's not changed. It is evident that she has poisoned their minds against us and has continued that with lies for even longer than we expected. The oldest finally issued an ultimatum - we don't see you unless you change... that in translation - - until "she" (that's me) is gone. When asked if "she" ever did anything to them, the reply is "no".... "well - except ruined our family". I was not the cause of their father leaving their mother. He'd left her twice before years before we ever met. Again, the 15y/o says "he KNOWS different and he KNOWS the truth". Frankly, they know very little about their parent's marriage and that's the way it should be... it's a personal-adult relationship. Telling them anything about her isn't a win for us - so we don't. She previously had abortion, lost custody of 2 other children - but had a change of heart and eventually got them back, had one child with my hubby now and then accused him multiple times of "attempted murder by forcing her to have their 2nd child" because she didn't want him - - and now it seems as if everyone and she thinks she's MommyOfTheYear! It's infuriating. The legal system has done nothing but drive us to financial ruin.

What do we do when we run out of money to fight? It seems as if she is continually rewarded for lying about everything. We've gotten snippets that "mom doesn't have enough money" and "mom has to do everything by herself"... We have to provide her over $60k a year in support! She finally got a job but whines about having to be away from her little ones... Seriously! 13 & 15! Many years ago a psychologist warned hubby that she had traits of "cluster b disorders" and we have educated ourselves on these things. She is described to perfection by 3 of the areas. Judges don't care. They say it's all about the best interest of the children but they don't keep current on what the "best interest" might entail. Invisible wounds to the kids don't count. Just the visible ones.

We feel she's had a plan for parental alienation from the start and it's finally taken hold. We are fighting for the visitation now but at this point we will have to "force" the kids and we expect that will be a nightmare. We don't want to damage them by that but we feel they are being damaged by just "being with her 24/7" now. It's a horrible no-win situation for them. Does anyone have any advice that could help alleviate any of this? We don't want to lose being part of the children's lives. They exhibit horribly entitled attitudes and are getting worse by the month.... some of the reasons to not visit again was that "we aren't fun enough", "we don't eat out enough", "we expect them to work with us", "we live too far away & they can't get to their friends and life" and the personal favorite - "we don't know how to be good parents because we won't listen to what they need and the needs of kids comes first". Amazing - someone 15 with no life experience at all has that kind of insight! He's great at quoting law about what we CAN'T do too.

We feel they need some balance and some life skills - - how will they cope if something doesn't go their way in life? It's bound to happen. Right now they scream, sulk, threaten, run away and demand. It works at evilX's house. Not so tolerated here. We don't feel it's right to give in to them. BTW, we live about 20 minutes w/traffic away.... appx 10 miles. Not exactly a lifetime removed from their surroundings.

I've had 0 communication with the evilX. I don't want to engage her because I think reason isn't an option with her. It never has been.

Thanks to anyone with an experience or idea that helped.

christinen's picture

I have been with my DH for 3 years and it does NOT get easier! If I could do it all over again, I would never be with a man with kids (I am 26 with no kids). It’s not worth it. The baggage and the problems will never go away. You are even younger than I am, so you can definitely find someone without all that baggage. You don’t want to deal with it for the rest of your life.
If you choose to stay (I’m assuming you will because I didn’t listen to what anyone told me either), I do have some advice. Your BF has GOT to stand up to his ex. We teach people how to treat us. When DH and I first got together, he was such a punk when it came to his ex. He would keep SD extra days, BM would call/text all day long for stupid crap that has nothing to do with SD, she would write me messages online threatening me.. all kinds of bs. Now DH’s mother deals with her most of the time so we don’t have to. Your BF has to stop letting her walk all over you 2 or it will never end.

oilandwater's picture

I found this site a couple of years ago by Googling "How to deal with my thirteen year old SD" or something similar, and it sent me directly into and old thread. Maybe that's what happened?

Guildford1's picture

It maybe an old thread but it shows I'm not the only person suffering. My journey of being divorced is just starting. My exwife left me four days before Christmas without any warning, while I was at work. I later discovered she was having an affair.
All of sudden divorce papers are through and it is full of lies. This person I once cared for and loved is now destroying me with her vicious lies. They are eating away at my soul.
To top it off she is trying to prevent me from seeing our two girls. Obviously it's easier with me out of the picture to be with guy she left me for.
Honestly he is welcome to her but please stop the lies.
I've tried to keep it short and sweet otherwise my personal ordeal could be made into a film.

stepmonsterinthecountry's picture

My husband has a crazy ex that will stop at nothing for 2 and to break us up. We saw a marriage counselor and she informed us that eventually she would break us up and the only way to protect our marriage was to put up a huge wall, which meant actually blocking her from calling, texting, or emailing. She was to only contact us for an emergency regarding the children by calling his sister. That has stopped a lot of the drama!

jcmc612's picture

I have been married a year. I go through the same thing with my husband's ex. When she has a boyfriend things are great, she stays out of our business. She doesn't blow up his phone "checking on the kids" or "asking if the kids done their homework" or "if we packed their lunch for a picnic" I think I know how to raise children I have been doing for ten years now, and my daughter is an all-star student at her school. She is a 5th grader reading at a 7th grade level so I know what I'm doing. Anyways, then when my husband tells her yeah, we have it handled she flies off the handle cussing him, and be so disrespectful toward him, like she is using him as a punching bag like it is his fault that her life is the way it is. I just want to tell her get over it b*tc* if you quit dating loser you could find a nice guy that wouldn't use. Anyways I know that she is going to be in our lives and will call to ask about the kids which doesn't bother me, what drives me nuts is the fact that she calls our house or texts my husband and cuss him up one wall or down the other like he is lower than dog crap. I have told her that if she can't talk to him like a human being than don't call his phone or text his phone and she keeps on I will block her number. She didn't like that she said that I was trying to keep her from having communication from her kids, I said no you can call anytime you want, just stop cuss my husband.

Good luck to you sweetheart!! Smile

kf9672's picture

I haven't gotten through all of this...but...still reading.

I need to get this out to someone who ISN'T involved.

My husband's ex-wife has been a problem for me the past 7 years. Before we were ever married and now after. I'm 42, and this is my first marriage, we got married two years ago, but have been together that long.

She is the one who left him, and we believe she was cheating, but have no real proof, just real glaring 'coincidences'. I could really care less what happened. In my eyes, they BOTH played a part in their demise.

Anyway, the two of them are constantly bitching at and verbally abusing each other, and when she is really pissed at him she starts pulling below the belt punches at me. I looked things up, and she is abusive. One time she had me so upset I called the police because she would not stop attacking me via texts, and I asked her to stop but she would not. She exhibits EXTREME hypocrisy about everything.

Okay, a LOT of you are saying the ex must be bipolar. Or have borderline personality disorder. Well, she probably does. But I DO HAVE THOSE TWO CONDITIONS along with severe anxiety. I have spent my whole life trying to treat this stuff, but nothing seems to really make me feel very much better. I have had to quit working, and to avoid social interactions for the time being.

I am constantly hearing what she says about me to him...and I deserve to know I believe. She used to just call me stupid, unintelligent, make herself superior and boss me around, but it has progressed to me being a bad parent to MY biological daughter, total bull, and all in my family will say that is bull.

NOW, she is telling him I'm a whore, I don't contribute to society because I have very serious emotional and mental conditions that keep me in the house constantly. I never talk to her, I never get the chance to defend myself. These things, they are making me actually feel somewhat suicidal, and I feel like walking out on him, her AND their kids.

Because I can't understand why if I'm so bad she would allow her two sons to be home alone with me. And, this is killing me emotionally. I literally was beside myself last night with anxiety. I can't stand it...I'm tired of feeling terrible over things someone won't even say to my face but totally are saying this behind my back and telling me to NEVER TEXT HER AGAIN. YOU'RE STUPID when I tried to say hey, I'm not the bad guy. It was never my fight. I don't know what to do. My husband says if I leave, she wins, but I can't really take the emotions it leaves me with. She causes me severe anxiety and makes me feel like a piece of shit BECAUSE of the conditions I have. One day I'm really afraid I won't be here anymore. I feel like I have no recourse, no friends and I'm mad at the both of them...husband included because she starts it after he is being a total jerk. But she's a jerk too...they both are being ridiculous.

Feeling totally helpless...and that so much damage has been done to me. I feel that I'm the collaterally damaged one...they seem to enjoy going at each other.