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Dealing with the ex & family functions

in10sitty's picture

My ex's mother did not approve of his divorce or our getting together. Basically because we had an affair. I think if we had met after our divorces were final it would have been very different.

Anyhow, the woman has never spoken to me in the 6 years that we have been together. Several of his brothers and sisters feel the same way that she does. I need to add, that they are strict Catholics.

We were recently at a family party/graduation together, and it went ok. Everyone was respectful, not overly friendly, and we kind of all stayed on our own sides.

This past week, my ex's mother had a massive stroke. She lives in another state, about 8 hours away. So do 4 of my ex's brothers and sisters and their families. I opted to not travel with my ex, because I felt it was too stressful of a time for the whole family to add anymore awkwardness to the situation.

Even worse, is the fact the the Ex will not stay out of ANY of HIS family functions, parties, etc. ...and you betcha, she travelled right down to visit his mother. She took 3 of their 4 chidren with her. My fiance took his oldest son with him a few hours later.

So here I am feeling lonely, sad, jealous, angry etc. I had to watch my fiance packing his camcorder and fireworks, as he was planning on staying through July 4th. All that this did, was make me picture him with everyone having a family picnic, Ex and all.

I do not plan on being absent for all family functions. I will not allow that to happen. They need to "expect" me to be present. I just didn't feel like it was appropriate this time. But now I'm not sure.

I have no idea if I am doing the right thing by not going. I don't know how to cope with all these feelings I have either.

Any ideas, thoughts, suggestions are welcome.

Dawn's picture

Do you mean your fiance's mother didn't approve of his divorce and now had a stroke?


in10sitty's picture

Yes, his mom never approved of his divorce. That was 6 years ago though. Her stroke was a few days ago. Not a result of her being angry with us.

It's just now, that something has happened to her, it makes it very difficult for me to figure out where my place is. I really think I should have travelled with him now. I just don't know.

Terri's picture

I hate to say this but when my husbands mother died, our relationship impoved 10 fold. She was a major instigator and manipulater, sadly she could have chosen to act decently but sometimes what goes around comes back around.

In the future just go with your financee, of course emergencies can't be avoided but many family get togethers can. Hopefully you'll have your own family and kids and perhaps he may see less of them. What happened with my husband, they were such bad influences that he realized they weren't worth it.

Reanna's picture

I can understand where you are coming from. We all have moms and love them dearly. however my husbands mother is a real jerk and disrespectful and as far as she is concerned the only people that exist are her son and the grandkids, my husband lets her play mind games and will not put her in her place. I hate for something to happen to her and I think that it is unfortunate that people have to vanish for other people to live peacefully and without issue.

Terri's picture

I'm afraid I'm a little confused also. Either way, you need to be with your fiancee period, and those are the only get togethers you should be going to, not either other ex's imo. IMO people create many of their own stresses. Take control.

With my husbands son, we never went to any get togethers. Why would we? Only his highschool one, and we sat so far barely saw anyone and then we promply left. Any celebrations, we had our own. Its that simple, make rules and stick by them. This will make your relationship much better and I would talk to your soon to be husband about all this. The marriage must come first.

emily's picture

in10sitty -- I know exactly how you feel. My BF's X is very good at playing the poor abandoned mom while dad is off with some new bimbo. Of course this isn't the truth of the situation. So she does the same thing -- shows up at all HIS family events. She's always welcome in his parent's house. She sits with them at the kids' events. I can't take it. Why can't someone draw a hard line and say "I know you loved these people and they loved you, but they're not your family anymore and it's not appropriate for you to act like they are." I don't want them to hate her. But the reality is that it's NOT HER FAMILY.

I am divorced (no kids of my own). Very shortly after my peaceful divorce, my ex husband's grandmother passed. She was an amazing woman and a great influence in my life. However, I understood that family events in her honor (including her death bed to say goodbye) were OFF LIMITS. Even though I had loved her like my own grandmother, I WAS NO LONGER FAMILY and acting like it was inappropriate and selfish.

So how do we deal with women who don't get it and new families who welcome her any time? I've read posts from other women on this site saying we should stand our ground and show her we're not intimidated and that we're here to stay. But every time she's there, even though I know it isn't true, I feel like everyone belongs (including the X) but not me. How are we supposed to feel secure our place or comfortable being part of a new extended family when she's still secure and comfortable?

in10sitty's picture

I too am divorced (no kids of my own). I am glad I found this website. It is helping me alot to talk to people like you.

I was saying to one of my friends on the phone this morning, "Why can't she (the ex) just GET OUT. Get out of our way, leave his family alone, etc. etc. I know it's not right for me to say, I just wish she weren't in the picture. I know that she has known these people for the last 15 years. Her best friend is married to my fiance's 1st cousin. So she has all sorts of ties. My fiances family invites her for Thanksgiving dinner and we never get an invite. sigh

The hardest thing, and if I could take it all back and do it differently I would, is that my fiance and I got together BEFORE our divorces and while we were both still living with our spouses. ....and to make people hate us even more, his ex was pregnant with their last child. OMG! That was just not a good start, and all the more to be judged by. She saw it as a way to keep him and he saw it as an add'l sentence on the verge of being paroled. But it will be going on 7 years soon. So it's time everyone moved on.

All this, coming from me, a girl that went to Catholic school, had sex for the 1st time at the age of 21, with the person that I ended up marrying. Some days I wake up and have no idea how I got to the place I am at now.

I have to learn to deal with my feelings of anger, jealousy, guilt, frustation, etc. better. All of my feelings seem to go to one thing...and that's anger. So then I strike out at people like my mother, my fiance, co-workers. So terribly destructive. I don't know how to cope with my feelings. I feel so negative all the time. I barely had time to get over all the mixed feeings of putting on a graduation party for his oldest son last weekend. The ex was there, her family and friends, etc. It was so overwhelming, but we got through it and actually felt like we conquered something. Then just a few days later this whole think happened with his mom. I didn't have time to recover.

Thanks so much for replying to me. It really helps ALOT!

Sarah's picture

I found this site b/c I've been so discouraged. I have met someone who I adore and feel so good with. He has a young daughter and a baby on the way. The x and him have not been in a real relationship for years. The upcomeing baby was obviously a one night stand accident. They have just starting to deal with custody issues now b/c she won't let him see his daughter. It was when I cam along everything went bad. She feels that now he's been taken that she wants to be with him and they should work things out for the childrens sake. She called me on the phone before and I seriously think she is in a bad state of mind b/c she upset, jealous and will do anything to make life hard for him... and that mean life will be hard for me. Our relationship is in the beginning stages. I feel that I'm a bright young woman who has a good heart and the right to be in a happy relationship. I have a choice to make. Do I go for it and take that difficult road... will it be worth it? The x is crazy and doesn't want me around her kids. They were together for 6yrs. They've never been married. It's like I'm on the outside looking in and they have so much history. How was it when the new baby was born? Do you think you partner is a good father? Do you think your partners x is a good mother? I'm just so scared to sacrafice everything for him? People blog on here about the past so many years dealing with these things? Is that a happy life? I would appreciate some insight from you. Thanks for listening.

in10sitty's picture

I haven't been on this site since last year. I'm so sorry I didn't check sooner.

Are you still with the same guy? Are things any better?

To answer your questions, although I don't know if they still apply:

It was strange when the new baby was born. She didn't even tell him she was in labor. We didn't start visitation until he was 1 going on 2 years old. It was tough. He didn't know us and all he wanted was his mom. I thought that I was going to be able to experience "motherhood" in a way, but that never happened. Fact is, he has a mother. Plain and simple.

My partner is a very good father. Everyone gets along really well. He is a child at heart, so playing with the kids is just as fun for him as it is for them.

I do think my partners ex is a good mother. She could do more in the personal hygene and clothing area, but other then that, I think there is much love between her and the children, and she does the best to bring them up with good morals and manners.

Let me know how you are doing.


evilstepmom2's picture

I am a step mom to three(one child my husband adopted)and pregnant with one baby. Let me tell you. My husband's ex is a psycho who makes my life hell. Love is strong and many will tell you to hang in there and that it will be better. If I had it to do over again; I would've never married my husband(in spite of the love I feel) his situation is too hard to bare. Were constantly struggling financially, his kids disrespect me, and I have not been able to finish college due to the financial thing. I even lost a home to foreclosure and had to file bankruptcy. Before I was a bright, college student with a future. Now, the only thing I have to look forward to is my baby. It scares me cause I wonder if I will have the funds to support this baby. So, please find someone that is financially secure with no children. If you can't resist, find someone with only one, but no more. It will make your life miserable. I wish I would've thought twice. Best of luck in whatever you choose. Pray about it.

Anonymous's picture

Holy GOD I'm not alone. I had just married my husband after a whirlwind courtship of three weeks and of course nobody really got to know me, however, about...oh...three months ago his grandmother on his father's side died, and of course don't you know his ex wife shows up (well they have two children together, ages 20 and 18; they were together for 15 years...); well EX has remained close with his family (which makes me slightly ill...hello, YOU're not the daughter in law anymore, I AM!!) but of course so someone called HER and here she comes boo-hooing (and I am thinking, okay, when is the last time you saw this woman)...and like she is a member of the family...

GOD I was furious...!!! Just livid and picked a fight with my husband who just couldn't understand (until I MADE him understand) why I was so angry she was there. Now had she brought the girls (like to the funeral)...he says he wouldn't expect his family to turn their backs on them - especially since *apparently* that is the only family SHE HAS, and I guess it's more complicated when you have such a long history and children together ... but to me if it was me, I would send my children but have the respect enough for the NEW wife not to come, since really, once you are divorced, I BELIEVE you divorce the family too.

My ex husband and I (no children) are on delightful speaking terms and email from time to time, and he even told me his mother would be in town and would I like to have lunch (we were divorced almost 10 years ago.)

Now why in the hell would I want to do that.

God bless you, Emily, for having the sense God gave you to stand down in occasions like this. I hate having to see and deal with the ex at "family events." Only recently has she started being pleasant to me (the first time she met me she was just totally rude and bitchy) - but still, it is at occasions such as their daughter's graduation, yes, I understand that, but like things that involve HIS FAMILY ONLY?? NO.

Sorry if I'm rambling but it felt good to vent!

Anonymous's picture

I just wanted to add that she cozied up to HIS family AFTER the divorce because according to what I have heard her own family wasn't very, well, desirable.

And he told me HIS family wouldn't be the people that they are if they just "turned their back on her"...well, I can SORT of understand that - I mean 15 years is a LOT of history, but still...
it's like she's trying to cling to a place that is not rightfully hers. So, okay, I am big enough to understand that. (But I don't have to LIKE IT!)

(Feeling territorial, anyone?? LOL)

I re-read my post and realize I sound like a rabid B**** but truly, is it EVER comfortable when you and the ex are at an event?? At least she's starting to be nice to me...because I stood my ground and hid my fear and basically was like, you're not running ME off, I'm here to stay!

Even his MOTHER is always bringing up the ex when it's just her, my husband and I...SHE thinks the ex and I should be just buddy-buddy because she and his dad's new wife are good, NO THANK YOU!

I'm so glad I found this board...thank you to whoever is listening/reading this.

Thank you guys, again.

Terri's picture

Now this isn't such a big problem. You really need to talk to your husband, he needs to firmly insists that his family not INVITE his ex or even maintain a relationship with her. period. So imo thats something he should have done right away, and needs to be corrected.

He needs to make it in no uncertain terms and that she is out of the family, and his life. If your husband refuses, you need to tell him if he disrespects you that way again you will also disrepect him. Leave it like that, and for him to wonder....

Worse cast senerio move very far, and start your life away from all these problems. Another thing me and my husband did.

jenny's picture

My husband who was only married for a year and divorced almost 15 years had his ex wife show up at his mothers funeral. Talked about shocked and livid and they have NO kids together. She was married to her own husband but I found out she had been going over to his mothers house over the years, and was still angry over their short marriage and divorce.

Wow talk about,...a grudge; RLOL Well I decided to fix her wagon and afterwards got her husbands number and told him it was becomming a problem that she was still bothering/stalking "our" family!! He didn't have a clue...and boy oh boy did she get in trouble...!! Never heard or saw her again.

With your instance she should not have come and given the kids to you guys. She only made a fool out of herself, but you could have your husband find out who invited her to make sure that never happens again. Who knows maybe she found out and just came?? Most of my inlaws couldn't believe it and thought she was psycho.

Anonymous's picture

well, my husbands parents hated his EX until we decided to move in together - now they havent talked to us in 5 years - and SHE attends all of there special events - and has even lived with them when we were going to court to act helpless!! they even refused to come to our wedding!

latinafresh's picture

When you say they are not her family, I totally agree.

The kids however are mothered by this woman and the grandparents have to respect that.

I agree that she shouldn't be involved in family functions. The kids should come but mum should stay home. This on the other hand may be good for the children to see that you all get on. Have you tried talking to the x?

wisdom, search for it as if searching for gold. ( i buy mine at the jewellery shops, but thats beside the point!)

lovin-life's picture

Depending on when you declare a marriage over....we did not have an acceptable period of time between old marriage ending and new relationship starting....the marriages were over but we were not moved out from under the same roof. My Bf's parents also very strong Catholic as well...but his X was so horrible to him..everyone was happy she was gone. And we were and are so happy together..everyone was so glad for him!

However, Shortly after..within weeks my X's father died. His siblings were furious with me..(I don't think they were aware just how serious I was when I spoke of divorcing their brother..for 2 yrs.) I was asked by my x to attend the funeral. It was ackward..but I went because he wanted me there..he wanted our kids there..and I helped wrangle them. I sat discretely in the back I cried for my former father-in-law and for the pain everyone in my x's family was going through.

I feel that was my place!! In the back. Not with his family!! I was no longer a part of his family! I didn't sit with my children...I walked them up the isle to where thier dad, aunts & cosusins were ...they were still part of that family..and I returned to the back!

With time things have smoothed over..with X's family ..we can talk & laugh togerher..etc..I rarely see them..but we always speak when we do run into each other. They know now that we are each happier apart and are moving on with our was for the best!

I've come to learn that they had alot of respect for me to show up to support my X, grieve, show respect for my x fther-in law, dispite the hostility...yet give them the distance they needed from that they were so upset!!

If staying away ... is a way of showing respect for thier loss right now and a way of reducing stress for your husband and is in his best this time. Don't sweat it!! Her being you crazy..yep..if you let it!!! Decision is made don't second guess yourself!!

You can work on gaining acceptance with his family at another time...

in10sitty's picture

We soooo did not have an acceptable time period. As I wrote to Emily in a previous reply, we were having an affair. His wife was pregnant with their last child. It was all so bad.

Taking the childen and sitting in the back at the funeral was the right thing to do. That's class. That's exactly what I would have done. ...oh my ...did I just come right out and call myself classy? A BIG LOL!!!

I do not have children from my previous marriage. I think, that if I did, I wouldn't feel so lonely and like an outsider when we are at his family functions. I wish that my fiance had invited some of our friends and family to his sons graduation party last week. I had no support group whatsoever. I talked to him about this, and hopefully things will be done differently in the future. We spent our time & money on the party, and deservered to have our friends and family there. Didn't we? Or does it just make it a 3-ring circus?

Your right, the decision to not travel with him has been made and I need to not second guess that. I could sit here and list good reasons for both going and not going. From talking to him on the phone today, all he is doing is spending the day in the hospital with his mom. ...and that's why he is there, to be with her. Not to be with his ex and certainly not because he doesn't want to be with me. I have to focus on that when I feel these awful feelings come creeping in. Especially because I saw him packing his camcorder and fireworks, which means he is planning on having some sort of family picnic with everyone. ugggh

Do you think that people are thinking, "she can't even be here for him when his mother is sick?" I am hoping that they respect me more for knowing my place.

....listen to me thinking that they are even thinking about me at all. Like I am the main focus. LOL It's all about me Smile

Thanks for writing. I am clearing my head this way and feel so much better. I think I feel my sense of humor returning too.

lovin-life's picture

I just read your response to Emily. Was your fiance close to his family before? How can they invite his x but never him & his new family..and still stay on good terms with him? How many chances to you have to be around them without the x around. What if you were the one to organize supper, or barbeques, or plan outings...etc...and invited them. That way you can control whether x is there or not. You can build the relationships...get more comfortable around them and The more you relax and be yourself around them the more they can see that your not so bad..and your fiance is happy!!

Isn't this site wonderful!!!!!

in10sitty's picture

My fiance's family lives 8 hours away in another state. He was very close to his family before his divorce.

I would not say that he is on great terms with them. Ok terms with some and non-existent terms with others. They are like this little clique.

One of his sisters lives in California, and has also been divorced and pretty much disowned. So we are close to her. LOL We are basically ignored by many of his family members, so we have learned to live without them and rely on our friends and my family.

His father talks to both of us and we meet him out for dinner when he is in town. He is in town alot, because his doctors are here. However, on the few occasions we have invited him to our home, he has declined. He feels that entering our home is acknowledging us as a "couple", and that in the eyes of God we are doing the wrong thing because we are not married. So we don't even ask him anymore.

Last week at his son's graduation party, one of his sisters sons(she has 10 children), came up to us and said to my fiance: "I heard about you. You're bad." This kid was like 4 years old. His older brother was standing there, and he was about 10. He said, "Yeah, we heard you were bad." When my fiance asked who told them that, one of them mentioned their older sister. Obviously, we are used as examples of how not to act.

I'm hoping that it will be different when we get married, but I read something today that said not to count on that. sigh

Yes, in my self help mode here this weekend, I went to Barnes & Noble and purchased: The Complete Idiot's Guide to Steppparenting

LOL, 356 pages ...I've read about 2 chapters so far, and I must say that it is very interesting. Humorous too, and that always helps. There are these little sections on some pages that have a witch in it saying not to be wicked and giving examples on how that could happen in different situations. It's funny.

Terri's picture

Don't worry sounds like you live far enough away, to hopefully you can try and avoid them all, or just move even further.

Anonymous's picture

My partner and I have come across this problem as well.

We moved to a new city. Our lives are good. We have my family close by and some really great friends that we rely on.

However, I feel so sad sometimes for my partner as the move away from his family has not made a lot of difference with regard to our relationship with them.

Since we've relocated, we have spent a lot of time and money traveling to see his family as we have tried to develop a closer relationship with these people.

We've invited them to stay with us but some of them are not really interested.

We've helped some members out financially. When they have received our financial assistance we never hear anything further from them. They treat his x with more respect.

My husband's sister that was supposed to come and see us decided that she'd go and visit his x instead.

We are disappointed with the treatment we receive from this family. We have tried everything within our means to get closer to them and I feel now that we have tried too much.

My theory is that family is supposed to love you unconditionally no matter what. There is no reason why you should jump through hoops to make them appreciate or respect you more.

So the good news is that the problem is not you. There are just a whole lot of screwed families out there.

Terri's picture

He should not have gone without her, period. And he should refuse to have a relationship if they invite his ex. This should be on no uncertain terms. Its really rude, and I wouldn't put up with that.

lovin-life's picture

I don't like having to deal with family functions that involve BF's x as well. They only time I have to is when its for his children. The last one was a Christening. for grandson..we sat on opposite sides of the church and later the hall.

My BF even went so far as to pose in a picture with his X..along with the other grandparents..godparents..he can't believe he did it!! But it's only a picture it didn't kill him. I, however was not invited in with the group for a picture...I was not even invited for a picuture with BF & myself & baby....just him. That's OK..evil SD's choice. But I did walk into the church with my head held high...! Like I belonged there! Right beside my BF! Because I do belong there! I am his partner in life! That is my rightful place by his side!

I made polite small talk to X's siblings & her mother...not a word to her. I stood directly across from her while everyone was grouping for pictures..and I took my own of the group..(cropped her out later) She could see me in plain sight..and knows I am here to stay!!!!

At the hall afterward...she was the one lurking outside..feeling ackward and uncomfortable..SD had to go out to the car to get her & talk her into coming in.

I took control back that day...I felt comfortable..dispite SD's unfriendlyness towards me...she didn't sit with Dad or his side of the included..but choose to sit with her mother the entire time. Again her choice. Her mother could no longer rattle my composure...I finally felt comfortable with my place there..

Having said new issue is...I dread having to deal with oldest SD other SD's wedding next year. But it's a package deal...if you want your Dad there...I'm there..we're a team..get used to it.

Hold your head up you stand by your partner..everyone else can learn to accept it..or's their choice!!

in10sitty's picture

Oh, it's so hard to hold my head up high. I am a person who does not like to be rejected, and I get my feelings hurt really easily.

I am usually the one lurking about, looking uncomfortable, when the X is just as comfortable as can be. It's just that EVERY time I see her, it's on her turf. I wish for once it was on mine.

Just had a call from my fiance, who told me that his mother is doing better. They took the tube out of her throat and she is breathing fine on her own. They allowed her to have coffee and she ate as well. I asked him what his plans were. ...really meaning, "When are you coming home!" I feel bad asking it, but I just want to mentally prepare myself. I am really working at not losing it here alone. It's hard.

Good for you giving the X a taste of her own medicine. I can't believe you were so confident, that she actually became the lurker. LOL Why do you have trouble with the SD? Was it her father who wanted the divorce and left her mother?

lovin-life's picture

I've got a huge speil on "my blog" that'll explain that. (I didn't know how exactly it worked, I though my name would come up automtically but it didn't and I don't know how to change the name)...ultimately he left her..but she was messing around on him/with multiple men for several I guess she's the one who abandoned the marriage.

in10sitty's picture

LOL I'm trying to figure out that blog name thing too. Mine just says "my name". Or something like that.

Maybe we have to be members for a bit longer??

Anonymous's picture

As i am reading your resposes I am thinking I am not crazy or alone. I too feel like an outsider in my own family when we are in the company of his ex. They had a daugther together. We now have a child together and have been happily married for over a year now. It seemed easier to me when everyone was mad at her...she had an affair with her best friends husband. That was four years ago and the anger is mostly gone. We now go to my step daugthers soccer games or other events and my husbands family is there ,the ex and her family are there and my son and I are there. I feel like I don't belong. My husbands ex and my new mother in law and laughing and hugging hello and good bye and my mother in law tells me how wonderful it is that the two families get along. I feel such anxities when I have to attend these functions and i have to see her. She is repectful and civil with me and i am to her but inside I am a mess. I am tired of feeling this way and what to feel like I belong but I don't know how to. Any thoughts?

Terri's picture

I just totally disagree with all of this. Your all putting yourselves in these situations. Sign the child up for activities in your community where just you and your husband go. Don't go to the ones the ex will be at. Create your own time without the ex and motherinlaw. She sounds like a rude witch and your husband shouldn't have you in that situation.

Tell your husband about the changes you want to make, if need be convince him under some pretense that you want to move to another state. I've known women that have done this, and it saved their piece of mind and marriage.

Anonymous's picture

All this time I have felt retarded and mad at myself for feeling so much anger towards my fiances ex. First of all they were never even married but she trapped him by having a child. To me that was a very selfish act and I can not respect her as a person. For some reason my ex has put aside his anger towards her and has decided to be friends for his childs sake which is great to me. The only thing that I have issues with is her thinking that it is okay to show up at Holiday functions when she knows that I will be there. Is it so wrong to not want her there? I accept her and will put up with the every other week drop offs and I will be civil towards her but when it comes to Holidays I draw the line. I don't want to share my time with his family with her. Is that wrong? Is anyone tired of hearing how long your ex has been in the picute? I don't care if he has known her 2 minutes to 10 years the ex should still respect the new person in the picture. It is all about being territorial and she rubbing in my face that she can still be a part of the family. Is there anything that I can do? Or do I just have to suck it up?

This is great to get this out with people that understand.

Anonymous's picture

So he hardly knew her or was with her, so why is she allowed at these gatherings? That I don't get or why you would put up with that. Its really up to you, tell your husband if his family continues you won't be there period. If he wants his marriage to go on he will put a stop to it, quite simple really.

Anonymous's picture

I feel the same way as you. She should drop the kid of and stay away. I'm having the same issues. My Goodness.... where do these people get off thinking that its ok. I've given my mother in law, my husband and anyone else involved a full explanation of why her showing up is just NOT cool. Yet... on yesterday, there she is an everyone else around me is playing dumb. (except for my parents)

I've also heard about how long shes been around and I don't care. At this point, Im choosing not to attend any of my in-laws functions. In additon to that, my 16 month old child will be doing the same.

Its a headache. By the way, I was told when there is a child involved, sometimes you have to "suck it up". Well... I've sucked up a lot of the past 7 years and I FULL to say the least. It won't happen this time.

Pick and choose your battles but remember that you must make the best decisions for you. Quite frankly, I'm tired of it all and when neither me nor my child shows up and they're wondering why.... they can SUCK ON THAT!

lovin-life's picture

My BF & I picked up the kids from my X mother-in-laws a couple months ago. ("X" was not there.) She invited us both in for a drink with her & former sister-in-law & brother in law. Kind of wierd!!

We have known each other for 22 years and have ony been on the "outs" so to speak for we do have a long history together and have common "people" in our lives...not just the kids. But we caught up on what my folks were up to..and what the family friends were up to..

It wasn't 100% comfortable..just so you may look like we're old buddies from way back..from the outside looking in...but it's far from what's really going on. We avoid the "touchy" issues altogether and keep things light. We are interested in catching up and do enjoy the catching up sessions..they don't occur very often.

Don't let superficial "appearances" get to you...X is from his past..his life is moving on.

You will have your own special relationship with your husbands family. It will grow & build over time. You will have your own history with them as a family..and they will love you and accept you because you love & accept your husband.

Don't be jealous of the X's relationship with the family is a former may not be as comfortable as you think it is...

lovin-life's picture

It's been 5 yrs since we've been together and as time goes on I feel more comfortable with my place.... Whether X is around or not. I would still prefer not...!!

After 13 yrs together with her sister-in-law..(BF's side)..who is usually very composed...was visibly rattled..when her husbands X showed up at his mothers funeral. X hung out all she belonged there....she hadn't spoke to her mother in law in 13 yrs!!!!

Everyone kept telling sister-in-law that X did not belong there. She did..if the X had a brain or any class..she would know who should've felt ackward & uncomfortable.

I will not let BF's X rattle me!!! I watched that funeral scene play out horribly for sister-in-law ... after 13 yrs the X still had the power to make her swirm..and did it.whenever she could!!!

I had only been together with my BF for 7 months when this happened... I just couldn't imagine living under X's shadow like that for 13 yrs...To feel unnerved in your own rightful place. Beside your husband and your own family & friends. I couldn' let that happen. God! Who wants to live like that!

It took me awhile to get confident in my place in the family..and in x's presence. Act confident even though your not. It'll get better as you become closer to everyone in the family. In time, your confidence will build and it won't be an really will be comfortable as the "permanent wife".

Anonymous's picture

Quote: It took me awhile to get confident in my place in the family..and in x's presence. Act confident even though your not. It'll get better as you become closer to everyone in the family. In time, your confidence will build and it won't be an really will be comfortable as the "permanent wife".

I'm the author of the Holy God I'm not alone post and the I wanted to add post. I stay anonymous 'cause of paranoia "LOL"

Oh do I hear you, funny thing is, the first time I met the EX at the daughter's 18th birthday party, I apparently faked confidence SO WELL that SHE was uncomfortable, even though I was so uncomfortable I wanted to throw up...and then she snubbed me and wouldn't look at me and stared holes through me and wouldn't speak to me.

This from the woman my husband said had a quite cordial relationship with him and was pleased for him, and here I come like the big, dumb, puppy that I am, arms wide open, going, "Oh, it's so nice to meet you!!!"

SNUB!!! Holy cow it was like a slap in the face. How many of you have gotten the pinch-faced half-smiling "oh, nice to meet you too" upon meeting...I should count my blessings, at least she was somewhat civil.

... the time after that at a wedding we all attended (a friend of both of theirs...*sigh*) she not only wouldn't talk to me but wouldn't even LOOK at me though I TRIED to engage her in conversation. This is after she RUNS up and THROWS her arms around MY husband and then sticks out her hand for me to shake...So of course I was furious and managed to get dead drunk...oh and did my husband light into her the LIKES of which (I was LIVID)...

Then of course the grandmother died...she wouldn't speak to me at the death-bed scene...OR my husband for that matter...then at the funeral she brings the girls, sees us, asks my husband for a hug and actually HUGGED ME TOO!!! *shock upon shock*...I guess by her younger daughter's graduation she got over herself somewhat (turns out she was harboring some kind of hope against hope they MIGHT someday get back together...even though my husband NEVER gave her ANY indication and was totally finished with her (though they did remain amicable)...

ANYway to make a long story even longer, by the time the graduation rolled around she was actually FRIENDLY to me, and then at the graduation party the following weekend friendly to me as well.

I, as always, was and am confident, pleasant, friendly, gracious and lovely on the outside (I'd like my Academy Award now please!) even if on the inside I was gritting my teeth, because that's how my mama raised me, and you ladies do the same...what's that phrase, fake it until you make it!! Believe me, the thought of spending ANY time in her presence makes me slightly nauseous, but I grit my teeth and get through it...remember, YOU are the wife now, YOU are the daughter in law, and YOU will build a relationship with his family (which can be daunting if HE's got a huge family and you have, like, two people.)

OMG it was theraputic for me to write this...and believe me, if you guys think that I don't wish that his ex didn't exist and/or she would just go the hell away...well, I got a bridge to sell ya in brooklyn *laughs*.

I'm so glad I found this site...thank you guys for listening...again...and I hope I helped Smile

Anonymous's picture

Yikes, I wonder if everyone feels that way about their husbands ex (truly, she's NOT EVEN as bad as some of the stories I've read here...I'm lucky in THAT sense). I am just an extremely hyper emotional and hyper sensitive person with very raw feelings.

And I know my husband is with ME and truly, I'm happy and relieved that he has even now a cordial relationship with his ex-wife (though they are NOT as friendly (friendly as in being platonic friends, would talk on the phone and whatnot) as they were BEFORE he married me and God knows that is just fine with me! LOL) ... even so, I just grind my teeth at spending ANY time with the ex wife (even though I know NOW she will more likely than not be pleasant)...

I dread situations for WEEKS ruminating over and over in my mind what I will say, how I will act, how things will play out, what I can say in THIS situation or THAT situation, etc. Do any of you ladies do that? Of course when I am THERE I am FINE to all outside appearances.

Please tell me I'm not alone!!

Like I said, after the first couple of meetings she seems to have warmed up to me (or at least is somewhat friendly and pleasant to me), but I STILL cringe at the thought of being at "family functions" with her in insides twist up like nobody's business and I soooooooooooooooooo feel like "the outsider..." my husband says in time it'll get better.

I'm just trying my hardest to work my way through these feelings and just KNOWING that this site exists and other women feel the same way that I do helps so so so so much. Thank you all so much.

Anonymous's picture

Oh how I can relate. My finaces ex is not that bad either and in some way I think that she wants to get to know me and be friends. I just have a hard time seeing me as her friend. Is that wrong? I have no desire to get to know this woman. She has done one of the worse things that I can imagine doing to someone. They were not even married and she quit taking birth control purposely to trap my fiance with a child. She brought a child into this world knowing there might be a chance that they might not be together. How unfair to the child.

All in all she is a nice girl and made a mistake but I get very nervous when I know that she is going to be places. My ex just sees her as a Mother to his child.

Is it so wrong that she will invite my fiance to functions for his daughter like viewing Christmas lights with her and her family and his daughter? He seems to think that it is okay to do that cuz he says it is not about spending time with his ex but more so for his daughter. I tell him that we can do our own things with his daughter and build memories together without his ex. Is that so wrong? Am I being hyper sensitive?

Anonymous's picture

Wow I am soooo glad I read your story. Some X's are just so pathetic! I have had the same experience with my husband's x. My husband's mother died recently and his X turned up to the funeral after years of living her own life elsewhere.

The whole situation was very uncomfortable because I knew that she didn't think much of me. She put on an act when people were around to make out that we got on amicably however as soon as everyone vacated the room she completely snubbed me. After the funeral she had the audacity to tell my husband that she still had feelings for him (after all these years) well, he told her where to go...

Ever since then I believe that there has been a silent war going on...

She does not communicate with us (not that she did in the beginning) but makes it her business to keep in regular contact with my husband's family and attends most of the family gatherings. We both feel now that she is using the family as a form of sweet revenge to make my husband and I feel as stupid as possible. She knows that his family would not turn her away as she is of course 'the mother to his child'. By the way their daughter is now 25!

I've acted polite and friendly while she has paraded around acting as if she is the daughter-in-law and not the x. My husband has tried to explain to his family that they have allowed her too much involvement with family affairs - but they cannot see the problem in having her around.

what would you recommend we do about this situation? We are kinda sick of acting that everything is fine when she is around.

Anonymous's picture

Hi Fearless, good to receive your feedback. My husband has actually spoken to some members of his family with regard to his x. Some are in agreement that the x has a little too much involvement with the family and there are some that don't think it's a problem.

We would love to get on with my husbands x but she ACTS as if we do not exist which is really annoying. The whole situation would be a lot less uncomfortable if she would make an effort to be more friendly and open instead of being fake around his family.

Recently we were invited to a birthday. As we were going to spend quite a bit of money getting to the event my husband felt that it was necessary to find out whether the x was going to be there. We did not want to spend all that money to get there and be overshadowed by this woman.

My husband vented his opinion about her attending with his brother. The result is that we are not going. My husband's brother was not prepared to 'not invite' the ex and her new BF to the birthday.

This situation is really sad. My own family would not choose an x over me! I feel for my husband.

It is really hard for me to sit there and act as everything is right as rain when I feel this woman is being deceitful.

Anonymous's picture

I already wrote this but it hasn't shown up on the site..not sure if there is a delay.

Thank you for your advice. I guess time does heal or at least makes things appear to be easier. The ex would never suspect I have a problem. She probably thinks i like her. I really have no reason not to other than court last year and the terrible things she said about my husband and her trying to get into my pockets$$$$$. She lost and we won. So I should have moved on. I do whatever is in the best interest of my step daugther. But my anxities and my insecurites are gettting to me. I have excused myself from the past two events because I have such trouble with the situation. Why do I feel so insecure in this aspect of my life? My husband is nothing but supportive and truly loves me. I just can't picture a whole life of her. Or our son having interaction with her.

I am hoping that as time does go on I begin to feel better about my position in the family. And these insecurites disappear.

happy mom's picture

That's tough. Catholics do believe in one time marriages so for your mother in law to be so angry and not accept you is pretty common if you're an active and a strong believer. I grew up raised to be a catholic and that's what I learned. I'm not an active believer though but I know that is what they believe in. I just can't understand why mother in law would be so upset w/you instead of her own son who let that affair happen in the first place. Anyways, 6 yrs is pretty long. Mother in law needs to get over it and forgive. Life is too short to be die angry. That's just my opinion. Have you tried approaching your mother in law, to say hello or just be at the parties anyways, if yes, what was her response? If you haven't maybe she has accepted you now and just doesn't have the guts to talk to you.

lovin-life's picture

I twist and cringe..and play the "what if she does this" or "says that" what'll I do game too. My stomach is in knots. But she will never know!! And it is getting better.

That day as I held onto my composer...she lost hers..and her confidence. She wanted to be there even less than I did! It was sweeeeeeeeeet!!

I'm usually kind of laid back....but once I pick my out! That stubborn streak of mine really helps me in this regard.

BUT GOD HELP ME......youngest SD tells us...there's another Christening planned for Dec.

AND then there's youngest SD's wedding next summer....

The faked confidence thing really does work with X.

I will need acting lessons when dealing with oldest SD (30)though....I'm pretty disgusted with her. I don't know if I can smile and make nice/nice with her at this point. I've tried my best with her over the last number of years.

I don't even answer the phone anymore when she calls...if no-one else gets it ...I'll let it go to answering machine. I just can't seem to bring myself to talk to her anymore.

IT's gong to make for a very uncomfortable Christmas/Christening & hoidays this year.

I already told sister-in-law that whatever dates oldest SD is coming to town...I will drive to the other end of the Province & kidnap my mother, if I have SHE can take up our extra room for the holidays.

SD's own father doesn't want her staying here after her poor behavior last time...


skye22's picture

now that my stepson is getting older there are more functions where we all have to be around eachother. I guess that I am lucky becasue the ex never had any sort of relationship with my in laws but a bad one. But it is still weird.

Anonymous's picture

My husband and I are arguing and I don't know if I am being unreasonable. We had a miscarriage on Friday and I just want to lay low for the weekend. His brother is in town so he has invited him, his two daugthers, his parents and his little daugther (who is with her mother for the long weeknd....the first in 1 1/2years) for the afternoon. I am just not up to it but he thinks it is because it is his family. My family has enough sense to let us be alone this wekeend after a miscarriage. Am I wrong to not want to see them or am I just being a jerk? We are fighting now over this when we should be supporting each other.

Nise's picture

IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM ARE YOU BEING UNREASONABLE!!! You just lost a child…you have the right to set the terms as far as who you want to deal with and when…don’t allow anyone to make you feel bad for that! I’m sorry for your loss and my prayers are with you…

Anonymous's picture

I have a similar problem with my family and their relationship with my ex-wife.

A couple of weeks back, my ex-wife contacted me about wanting our two sons for a "family gathering" on one of my weekends. I told her no because we had a previous engagement. I found out then that this "family gathering" was with MY FAMILY!!! My older brother and his wife were having a party at their house and had invited my parents, my younger brother and his fiancee and MY EX-WIFE and HER BOYFRIEND!!! My new wife and I were not invited! Of course, she and her boyfriend (who was her boyfriend when we were married for 10 years) went to the party. That had to be awkward for my parents, but she really doesn't care about what others feel or think as she wants to do what she wants and basically loves to stick it to me and my wife.

My older brother and I have never gotten along and I feel that this is a way for him to torment me further as he and his wife keep having her and our kids over for dinners, etc.

What's even more frustrating is that she and my kids will go visit my grandma often. Since she lives in an apartment, there isn't much for the kids to do, so they get bored easily. When I have the kids for the weekend I'll ask if they want to go visit Grandma and they'll say "No. We just went last weekend (or whenever)". This is maddening!

I finally had to put my foot down, though I came out looking like a heel because of it. My younger brother is getting married in a month. After listening to my ex telling me that she and her boyfriend will be going to the wedding if invited. Keep in mind that this is the first time most of my relatives will be meeting my new wife and it's awkward enough having my ex there anyway. I talked to my brother about it and he stated that he's known my ex-wife for many years and that since our son is the ring bearer, it was proper to invite her and her boyfriend. I put my foot down and told him that it's completely up to him to invite who he wants but if he invited them he could find another usher and ring bearer. He gave in and she wasn't invited. Yeah! Chalk one up for the good guys!

Another frustrating fact is that my parents have not taken down the wedding and engagement photos of me and my ex. I asked them to do so but it never happened. Should I just go in and do it myself or go to their house when they're not home and replace both photos with those of my current wife and I?

We're also sick of her dictating to us what we can and cannot do with the children. She makes all the decisions as far as the kids are concerned and won't even listen to suggestions that I make. She gives the same answer everytime, "I'll consider it."

We bought an above-ground pool this summer. Once we got is setup and everything, she told my 8-year old all about how her older brother drowned (he was 18 months old and fell into a cow trough at her family's farm -- not an 8 year old boy who's been in swimming lessons since he was one year old). Now I can't get him to go into the pool unless I'm in there with him. She'd cut off her own foot if she knew it would upset me.

It's nice to know that more people than us have to deal with crazy b***hes. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to deal with her on a daily basis, but since I have my kids every day after school (I work a 5:30 AM to 2 PM shift just for this reason), but then I wouldn't see my kids. It's nuts!!!

Any ideas on what my wife and I can do other than grin and bear it?

Allyceson's picture

My husband's family completely sided with the ex during the divorce so that they would have more access to the kids. Since he and I have been together, his father refused to even meet me and we finally stopped talking to his mother and grandmother as we suddenly becamse aware that they were feeding info to the ex.
It might not be the "correct" thing to do, but I would take down the damn photos that your parents have up. What an insult to your current wife. If they want to keep them for your kids, fine. The can be stored somewhere out of sight until the kids are old enough to have them.
My husband's ex actually had him falsely arrested- told the cops her during an exchange of the toddler for visitation, then talked his family on the maternal side into inviting her to his grandfather's funeral. He was furious. He finally told them that because the b***** lied to the cops he had a restraining order against him and that if she was there, he couldn't go. They actually called his attorney to find out if it was true because the ex told them that he was making it up and they BELIEVED HER.
We now don't see the kids as she refuses visitation and we have simply run out of money to fight her. She lives with her mother, gets child support, his family buys what the kids need, and so she has plenty of money to spend on high proced attorneys.
I don't have much advice, other than our stand has been that if people aren't here to add to our happiness, than they're taking away from it and they're not welcome in our lives.
Good Luck!

Terri's picture

Unbelieveable, your ex must be really unhappy to goes to these lengths. Sadly, your really going to have to play hard ball with your family. No your ex shouldn't be invited to anything, why she is an EX. Your marriage must come first, and you need to make sure your family members will be cut off if they continue to do these things. The party thing is beyond belief imo.

If things don't improve I'm afraid you'll need to see your family less and less and just enjoy your own. As for the pictures, you could replace them when their not around and innocently say, oh these needed updating. I'm not married to her anymore, this is my wife.

As for your kids, you could do what me and my husband did. We refused to allow his ex to talk to him, so instead I dealt with his ex which really pissed her off, but we both agreed to stop empowering her. Something I'm afraid you've allowed. I also thing you shouldn't be seeing your ex on a daily basis, and you need to change that somehow or strictly have your wife do it. Or set up another visiting schedule with your kids. Also from your post, you are allowing her to make ALL decisions concerning your kids. If need be go to court or let her know you will and stand firm. But the first step is to get her out of your life and marriage as you are allowing her to do all these things. Talk to your wife and devise a plan, and stick to it. Get her out of your life right away.

Anonymous's picture

Holy cow!! They won't take down the pictures?? I agree, what a TOTAL insult to your current wife. Believe me, at the girl's 18th birthday party, HIS mother tells me "don't mind ***** (the ex wife), she's just uncomfortable...well don't you think I was LIVID and told my husband later, EXCUSE ME, uh, HELLO, I am the newcomer here and people are worried about HER!?!? Give me a F-ing BREAK!!! And don't you think he let HIS mother have it. It just makes me so angry to hear about this type of thing...what the F*** happened to family LOYALTY?? I guess it's different when you have children; it is just a little more entangled, but I tell you what, if it was MY mother and father...well, maybe my family is different. (All two of them - LOL)

Anyway to the author of "my venting" - my husband was in your same situation - SHE sucked up to some of HIS family after the divorce and he ended up taking a stand and freezing THEM out for awhile until they got the idea, I do believe.

Even today, I can't find myself warming up too much to HIS family (I was uncomfortable around them but for the longest couldn't figure out why) because it's like, what can I talk about that is "safe"?? (in other words, people talk to the ex and the less she knows about ME, the better I LIKE IT!!...and I don't like having to stifle myself 'cause I am pretty open and muzzling myself is NOT normal nor comfortable, know what I mean?

I don't want to tell you the wrong thing to do since I don't have much experience in this but I know if it was MY family I would be raising absolute holy hell if they were "siding" (to MY eyes) with my ex. Period.

Hugs and good luck!

The Paranoid One.

lovin-life's picture

I like your idea of sneaking in and replacing the picture with ones of you & your current wife. Wink

lovin-life's picture

It's funny how a picture can be a slap in the face. When we went to visit oldest SD a few years ago..she had a picture of her mother & father together prominantly displayed for all to see...(especially me I felt) To avoid the ackwardness..I commented on what a nice picture it was..(the "of BF" part I kept to myself). Looking at the picutre did make me feel kind of funny

That's her parents and the last picture she has of them together as a couple..there's childhood memories attached..and I understand all that....but couldn't she take it down for the weekend for "our sakes". Her father and I have very unpleasant memories associated with that picture.

I know that she does not display pictures of her father that include me in them. My daughter suggested earlier this week that "We should get a family picture done"
She keeps a family picture of her dad & I brother & her in her room...but wants one of her step-family togther too.

I can't help wonder if oldest SD would actually display it in her home period and I suspect she would take our picture down for the sake of her MOTHER's feelings when visiting...

I just have to resign's just a's her home..she can do what she wants.. but I don't have to go there to see it either!

happy mom's picture

When I first went to visit my in-laws and I was already married w/my in-laws had a photo of the ex-wife w/son on their wall. I felt insulted when I saw it on the wall. I told my husband to tell his mother to take that photo off the wall, it is an insult. In my family culture, we do not display ex photos in the house especially if that family member has a new wife/husband. Next time I visited, no more photo of her. Thank goodness. I was relieve.

smof3's picture

Reading the picture thread reminded me of what my mother in law has done inthe past . The Christmas before we married I was kind enough to invite her to my home to partake in the holidays with my family. When gift giving time came around my mother in law gave my husband a collage of his life , of course many pics with him and the ex. I found this in poor taste but did not make an issue of it.
However months later we had just retuned from our honeymoom and she came over to give my husband a photo album and large box of pictures that she said she just " `came across " Of course most photos had the ex in them . I was livid , however not wanting to make a bad impression again bit my tounge. What timing ?
My husband offered to throw the box away, however I put it in the basement and a year later went through it. I did take a large envelope and selected photos of my husband and his ex( prom, wedding, kids births etc:) that I thought his children should have when they grow up. I keep this envelope and hope to give it to his kids one day when they are adults so that they may have a few mementos of their parents during happier times. The rest of the pics went to the garbage.
I also have kept my wedding album from my first marriage so that my boys will have it. We all did have a life before ... I just wish that in-laws would let us deal with it on our own terms.

lovin-life's picture

I did something similar.. He was going to throw out his wedding pictures.but I insisted that he save them for his kids/grandkids. I also have saved mine for my kids/grandkids..

I have always loved looking at my mothers & grandmothers albums from years everyone looked back then..etc..

They are all packed away!

happy's picture

I know my in laws god love them but they are the same way. Now mind you his mom brought pics over of him and the ex, she has pics in her house and stuff..
Well last weekend I deceided to go thru those pictures and box them up for his kids because that is the proper thing to do. But what I really wanted to do was burn them. But I deceided to act my age instead.. LOL
But right after we got married his mom and them put our wedding pics in an album. You open the book to pictures from last year when they were in Florida, to go to the pictures at the end which is my wedding pics and right before those you have abirhtda party at my house from like 95, my husband even said what a strange way to organize those photos. My hubbys mom is old school I am sure that she would prefer him be with her because they have kids. But instead she got me a loud mouth tell you like it is..
So my point is I know your feeling..

Julie's picture

After my divorce, it took my Mother a while to take down the wedding and engagement pictures. When I started dating someone, whom I have now been with for 3 1/2 years, it was awkward to go to her house and still see the photos of the past. After a few months, I pulled her aside and quietly told her that she really shouldn't display them anymore, and should put them away. She agreed, and told me that she had thought about it also, but just hadn't done it yet. To give her a nudge.. I gave her photos of BF and I , and of my soon to be SD. This worked! The next time we went to her home, the old photos were gone. Sometimes it takes family a while to adjust to changes. Now with BF's mother it is a little different.. It took her over a year to put away the family picture of BF, the EX and SD... But we did the same with her.. Gave her new photos to display! The EX and her are still "friends", and she does have a small photo of SD and the EX in her living room, from a vacation.. But you can't see who is in the picture unless you are 2 feet from the frame..

With time these awkard momments get better.. I felt extremely uncomfortable at BF's mothers home for almost 2 years.. She and the EX are "friends" and the EX was telling her all kinds of "stories" that were one sided. Eventually my BF sat down with his Mother and had a 3 hour heart to heart chat to make her see what was going on. (including telling his Mother to stop inviting the EX to family events!) After 3 1/2 years I can finally sit in her house and talk to her one on one.. but it took a lot of effort to get to this point.. The phrase I read in an earlier post "fake it till you make it" is SO TRUE! I pastered a fake smile on my face at his families events for a long time before his Mother started to warm up to me.

lovin-life's picture

Guess What! SD has picked her photograher for her wedding next summer....unknown to x...(and SD plans to keep it that way b/c her mother will have a fit!!!) it is DH's very good buddy/co-worker/captain...

There will be lovely pictures of US everywhere!!!! He will make sure I'm not excluded in these family function pictures..yea!!!

......and maybe even use a wide angle lens for all x's pictures if ya know what I mean Wink

Anonymous's picture

I am the wife of my venting, the wonderful man whos family won't take down the wedding pics of him & his first wife. I have to start out by saying how lucky I truly am. My husband is an extrodinary man & I am blessed to have him. My two ss are amazing little boys whom I love as if they were my own & I know that they love me. ( The 8year old who is more loyal to his mom just told me for the first time the other day that he loved me, I knew he did through his actions but hearing it meant the world )

Now I could care less about the wedding pics, but it is how they have chosen her over their son that bothers me. Everybody loves the ex wife, they do not see how she treated their son over the years & that it takes two people to fail at a marriage. I think it would be easier if she was one of these dead beat moms but just my luck I'm dealing with Super Freakin Mom. She's perfect( except for the one hairy eyebrow & secretly selfish ways ) I get along well enoug with my new mother & father in law but it is in a causual aquantance sort of way. I am fine with this. I was never close with my first inlaws & am of the mind that I have my own family. ( they are a little crazy too, but we KNOW we are nuts and call each other on things, we don't ignore the big elephant in the room like my husbands family does)

Things started out fairly well with the ex because I have always gone out of my way to be kind & accomidating because I was raised to do the right thing. She even insisted on meeting me for coffee before I could be introduced to her children, & we complied. She imposed rules on him that she didn't feel applied to her. After all she is dating some guy she used to work with who they both had crushes on (while she was dating & engage to my husband) This guy has two children 4 & 7 with the first wife & a 7 month baby with an ex girlfriend & he & her have been seeing each other unofficially since February. He has been divorced for about 4 years, & according to the oldest SS they divorced because his wife nagged him & the ex says that the former girlfriend lied about being on birthcontrol & got pregnant on purpose...right. The ex had only two boyfriends before my husband so I am thinking she is not very experienced with men & the real world. He is the only guy she has dated.
In April I had an ectopic pregnancy that was mismanaged & almost killed me. It was two months before our wedding. It happened on a weekend when we had the boys. Initially we thought I was miscarrying at 10 weeks & he called to see if she would p/u the boys so I could go to the ER. She had her second date with this guy ( he slept over the first & second date) and would not send him home because it was too early for the boys to meet him ( her rules & then she wants to break them) After this event things were very rocky between my DH & her finally in June after I yelled at both of them when they were fighting infront of the boys things got better. Then I screwed up... My husband sent her an email asking her to not discusse money infront of the 8 year old & of course as usual she could not just agree but came back with some of her logic. He had forwarded it to me & I accidentally responded back to her rather than him However she totally missed the point where I started out by saying I agreed with her an her main thought but that I felt she was missing my DH 's main concern that the ss was worrying something he does alot. I told hime to just drop it because she was missing his main point & was not going to get it. Now to understand my comment you would need to know that I repeatedly tell my DH that when he gets frusterated with her he needs to remember that he is not the same man who was married to her & that she is reacting to the man she knew and I had just had this conversation with him the night before. Well she got mad & he did explain this to her but even though she says she is over it it is obvious she isn't. I am sorry but I forgave the stupid b***h for delaying my medical treatment & for giving my husband more stress at the time our baby died. ( I am 38 & I have lost my one tube & have been told that my chances of concieving naturally are not good so loosing this baby has been devestating. My ex husband lied to me & told me every year that next year we would have a baby so this was a dream come true to have the love of my lifes baby)
Recently my husband has had an issue that hospitalized him & we need to reduce the stress in his life I emailed her this & asked for her help. She replied back with that she would continue to do as she has but that no one could predict the future. I hope the self rightous C gets an STD from her boyfriend. I didn't reply back & am keeping my distance. I would love to tell her if he dies you idiot there is no more child support & I am incharge of the life insurance & I will make sure that it goes only to the boys not you.
I have really grown to hate her but I never say bad things so the boys hear, heck they think I like their mom & I always tell them how great she is. Since she has signed them up fpr all sorts of things9 w/o consulting their father) I am stuck hanging around all these A#@hole baseball & soccer & football parents that know her & act like I am the other woman. I go to the events even though it kills me inside because the boys love that I support them & so my poor DH doesn't have to sit by himself or worse with her.
It just kills me because my husband is a great guy who wants to actively parent & raise his boys with her & she won't allow it & in effect dictates our life.
Thanks for listening! It is comforting to know there are others in the same boat as us.

KimH's picture

I just read everyone's posts, and I'm thrilled that I'm not alone here. It's so difficult to explain this to other people and have them understand. My fiance's ex is still great friends with his mother. It drives me insane. His mother and I don't know each other that well, but how can we get to know each other when she constantly caters to ex's every whim? That really hurts me, and when I try to explain this to my fiance, he says it will take time and that they're just friends because of my soon-to-be stepson. My fiance's ex cheated on him with his best friend and just recently had another baby (with fiance's ex best friend). What does fiance's mom do? She gives ex my soon-to-be stepson's crib!! I couldn't believe it!!! One day my fiance and I plan on having children, but fiance's mom chose to give it to ex. That was a slap in the face to me and my fiance. I've asked my fiance what he thinks about it, and how can it not hurt him, and he says he just doesn't let it. It's like his mom is choosing his ex over him!! I don't feel like his mother will ever like me - I know I'll never be fully accepted by her. It just hurts. I wnat to be friends with fiance's mom, but how can I be? She and ex still talk on a regular basis. So, I've pretty much just held back. We don't visit his mom very often, and I'm afraid he'll start becoming bitter towards me because I can't seem to let it go. The ex is more family with fiance's family than I will ever be. I don't things will ever change, but I just I were accepted. Fiance's mom doesn't have any pictures up of ex, but they go to lunch on a regular basis. What to do? I've even asked if I have to be more like the ex for his mom to like me. (See, I don't let things go at all). Thanks to all of you who read this. It's nice to know somewhere, someone knows exactly how I'm feeling.

Anonymous's picture

I can't understand how a mother who has seen her son go through the pains of a divorce and the end of his best friendship could still want to be friends with the ex other than being civilzed and cordial for her grandson. I think I would feel the same. My new mother in law is not "friends" with the ex but she is quick to tell me how the the two families (ex's and my husbands) are such good friends and how the ex still calls her mom (the ex had an affiar with her best friends husband) and that stings me. So I feel empathy towards you when it is in your face regularly. Could you husband tell her how it hurts him? I know they don't think about it but it has to affect him in someway. I feel for you.

Anonymous's picture

My dear husband and his ex sent through a few emails today. He sent part of it home and slipped by telling a part of the other conversation. So I said why didn't you send the entire email home. Of course because I am suspicious and woudld misinterprete something. He told me the rest of it and I say there is no way to misinteprete the conversation..sounds normal..casual talk. So I say just send it home if there is nothing to hide and he freaks out. Says that I need help dealing with his past and that I will read into the conversation. Now I am suspicious. Should I be? Should I ask him to send it home? His reaction seems way off base. Am I just being stupid and asking for trouble?

Allyceson's picture

How did it go? I read your post all the way through! Smile My husband's fam did the same- even to the point where his Dad testified against him in his divorce regarding the custody of the kids. We don't talk to a single one of them anymore. His father and Sm refused to even meet me to begin with - said they "weren't ready". Puh-leeeze. His kids had already met me at this point. What they meant was that they didn't want to seem to be accepting me as it might piss off the ex. I was as boggled as you as to how they can do that to blood, especially as my hubby is an only child. My family has it's problems, but siding with an ex, who is not a relation, isn't one of them. It's sad at this point, really, as now my hubby and I have kids of our own and his family will never have the pleasure of knowing them. Their loss.
Keep us posted!! I want to hear about how you kept your head high- knowing that you were the one with the right to be there- not HER!!

Allyceson's picture

I was relieved to read your post as well. In a situation like this, it's easy to think you're the only one dealing with people this nuts. My hubby's ex plays the victim soooo well. She got everything out of the house in the divorce as well. Plus, the child support wasn't going for anything for the kids as she made it clear to his family that he wasn't paying child support (total lie) so they needed to pick up the slack. So guess who was buying their groceries, the kids clothes, etc? Not her. It would infuriate me to no end when we did have visitation as their two kids would come to my house in Gap, Lands End, LL Bean. All the while, we're just trying to pay bills to provide a roof over our kids' heads.
I used to have hope that she would remarry and come out of bitch mode, but no such luck so far. In fact, we heard the last guy she dated dumped her because she was "too high maintenance". Kinda laughable- a woman who requires so little of herself that she's happy to live off welfare and let others provide for her kids, but requires so much of a mate that he can't take it. LOL

lovin-life's picture

WOW! Good for your husband!!! Good Luck with this.... It may shake things up for the better.

Your feelings count's about time they realized it!

Hange in there!!!!

Anonymous's picture

I read your email the other day and wanted to respond. The day before I read it I had a melt down. My husband's ex wife and her mother were dropping off their daugther at our house....mistake number one. They start spewing crap out of their mouths about how the daugther shouldn't refer to me as a step is inappropriate. My husband came to my defense but I have had three years of being nicey nicey with her and her family. I couldn't take it any more. I said everything that had built up inside me. She was shocked..said I was a good actress. I am so good to her duagther. we have a baby and she is totally involved in his life, in my families life and my friends life. She is treated as though she is one of my own (knowing full well that she has a mom and I speak highly of her...shit I buy her a mother's day card, birthday card, bake for her when the duagther ask). I get no recognition and then boom a slap in the face.

Well since then it has be awful. My husband and I are seeking couselling for this. She will not allow me to pick her duagther up from daycare like I am some kind of monster. She has laid the law down like she always does and gets to control our household. It makes me so mad.

I regret some of the things I said but once I started the flood gates opened up. Part of me wishes I said how she came after me last year in court for my money, the affair that she had with her best friends husband, how she won't give a good father 50% (well I did say that one), how she gets way too much spousal support.

I am so tired of being angry at her. I am reading book after book to get rid of it but then she does something to piss me off. I am strong woman and she can't push me around.

Anonymous's picture

thank you. i went to the site you recommended and read it. I know that it is wasted energy and I have SO many things that are wonderful in my life and that's where my energy needs to be directed.

my dh handled the daycare issue with her and made her realize just how ridiculous that is. So that is no longer an issue. I feel like we took some of the control back.

You are right in saying it is my reactions that I can control. Unfortunately I lost it the one time in three years but we arevseeking counselling so that I can get control of my emotions again. I know for me I need to stay out of the situation...meaning not having her in my house etc. I need to spend that time nuturing my own son and my marriage. I do love my sd and she loves me and her father and her dear little brother. the ex can't take that away from us.

The cousellor recommended I write an apology note to her (I do admit I said somerong things) do you think I should? or do I just let things be? She is still angry and trying to exercise control but we will not let her. My dh is very supportive and will not let her run our lives. He is happy to be out of that marriage and with his new family. We are just trying to find true peace.

Anonymous's picture

My Husband and I have been together for six years. He has a son that he shares custody of with his ex. I have no children of my own and we have no children together, that is why my ss means the world to me.

The problem I have with the ex is that she always wants control of everything that is going on. She can be nice one day and then the next day you can not even look at her. My husband has limited time with his son and his ex is always wanting him back early or wanting him for the day to do something with her. My husband always agrees because he does not want to cause a problem, she makes him feel guilty and makes him feel like he is no good.

He has in recent times put his foot down and has consistently been short with her and not letting her control the conversation, but the new problem is that she will say that he had already agreed to something and that he just does not remember. He does have a hard time remembering their conversations and forgets many times to tell me things that are going on. I am making plans for us to do things and all along the plans will never take place because someone forgot to tell me. I have tried so many things to try to get him to remember, but the ex always says they talked and my husband always says he does not remember.

My husband worked at a steel mill when he and his ex were married, he quit college so that she could finish when their son was born. He worked 7 days a week for a year while she worked and went to school. She always treated him like he was nothing more than a paycheck and that her career was the most important. He was just a
mill rat to her!!! Well since we have been married, he has gone to school to open his own home inspection business and he is also now a Firefighter. I am so proud of him and I have always told him that he is worth it and that he is too smart to sit back and not do something with his life just because she would never let him. The problem is that she still treats him like he is an unintelligent piece of crap!! The person that he really is, is tender hearted and caring of people and their feelings. He would never say a bad word to her because for his son that would be wrong of him to do. I for one have gotten on the phone with her a few times and told her off for talking to him that way or for trying to control him. Is that wrong?? She is very difficult to deal with even if you are trying to have a calm conversation with her. If you elevate your voice in any way she acts like you have just stuck a knife in her stomach. Everything is always about her!!!

I fortunately do not have to deal with her being at family functions and when we are at baseball games for ss she is so snobby anyway. Then she gets mad because everyone always thinks that I am the MOM because she does not talk to anyone and I am very friendly. My husbands family hates her and they are too negative about her that it does not help my situation of trying to make nice with her for my ss sake.

I feel like my husband gives in too much and misses out on time with his son because she is so over-powering. She is re-married to someone who has three children, I do not understand her need to control everything and I find myself confronting her all the time and it turns into a 2 hour confrontation that does not get us anywhere.

Someone help..... I feel like I am going crazy.

Had enough's picture

I have been reading everyone's stories....I am engaged to a man whom I met a couple of months after his wife left for another man. He was broken, I helped fix him. (We've been together for 2 years now) He had the "perfect" marriage - he says so. She left him and his 2 teenage daughters. Sounds perfect to me. He has 2 stepdaughters (her girls). The problem? He dwells on his past. He was closer to her family than his own - you have to meet his family to understand, I understand. Anytime there is a family gathering, birthday parties etc, it is she and her family that are there. Uncomfortable? Very. I moved to be with him (2 hours away), I have my own apartment with my 2 children. Amazingly all of our teenagers get along beautifully. I moved here 4 months before their divorce was final, that day broke my heart - he was soooo upset, heartbroken all over again. I felt broken. He even had his wedding ring in his pocket. It took a year for him to take down all of the pictures on the walls with her in it - he said they were pictures of his past. They were married for 17 years, I get that. But, I feel like "the other woman". Insignificant and invisible and uncomfortable. What I feel is borderline to a panic attack. He is a mechanic, she still takes her car to him - he is friendly to her then. But with me, it's like I am the other woman. Daughter's birthday parties, her family - the kids don't like his family. I love him dearly, but I am not sure I should be marrying this man. I know we all have baggage (I am 40 years old, I have baggage), but he seems to dwell on his past. I am really not happy with things, he says he loves me and could never imagine his life without me; so why do I feel so insecure/uncomfortable?

Ms.J's picture

Seems like the new trend is that you can divorce a man, but by god you get to keep his family for life. I have the same situation, so now I basically avoid my fiance's family like the plague. This past May my ss had a birthday party and invited his school friends. His mom planned the whole thing, and told my fiance that ss wanted him to come also and if he didn't then she wasn't going to have the party at all. And then wanted money to do it all. She made it clear that I wasn't invited or welcome, and then invited all of my fiance's family. Everyone went to the damn thing including my fiance. We even have the pictures to remember the special event by. Isn't that wonderful? Anyway, I know how you feel... it sucks. Maybe we should invite OUR ex's to family events along with our partners family. Think they'd get the point then?

Rachael's picture


I need some advice if possible...!

To cut a very, very long story short:

I am a divorced mother of two boys, myself and their father split up when I was pregnant with my second son, for various reasons, but basically I just did not love him anymore. Our second son was born and I then went back to work after 2 months, mainly to get back to routine and get on with my life.

Before I went on maternity leave and about a month after me and my husband separated, I got friendly with one of my colleagues. Nothing major to start off with, but realised that I had feelings for him, but obviously knew that nothing could happen, because 1. I was pregnant and still married, and 2. he was engaged and had a daughter. I decided I needed to tell him how I felt, but explained that I knew nothing would happen so decided to just leave it. It then turned out that he had the same feelings for me but agreed that nothing could happen.

We left it for a few months or so and then discussed how we felt about each other and in a nutshell, he decided that he didn't feel that his relationship with his fiance was strong anymore for various reasons and they were only really staying together for the sake of their daughter. So, he ended it. He gave her the reasons, and not all were because of me, but obviously I was a major part in their break up.

That's a bit of background for you!

We have now been together for almost 2 years, and have been engaged since May of this year. He moved in with me and my boys about 12 months ago, just after my divorce came through. My boys love him and have a fantastic relationship with him, and they also have a great relationship with their father who they see 3 times a week.

I, on the other hand, am not allowed to meet his daughter. His ex has put a "ban" on her meeting me, no contact at all is allowed whatsoever. If my fiance is to have his daughter overnight, he has to stay at his mom and dads, as she is not allowed in our house.

We have broached the subject with his ex on many occasions, but all she ever says is "That woman destroyed our family" and that I will never ever meet her.

I can understand her feelings, to a point, but has enough time past now for her to realise that we are engaged, we love each other very very much, we are extremely happy together, that this is not a fling...? She keeps saying that she will not let her daughter get hurt again.

His daughter is almost 7 years old. She always asks him about me, says she wants to meet me and the boys and even calls them her step-brothers.

I have bought her presents in the past, most recently when myself, my fiance and my boys went to Alton Towers, and obviously his daughter was not "allowed" to come with us. As I did not want her to feel left out, I bought her a cuddly tiger for my fiance to give to her when he saw her next. He gave it to her the following day and she loved it! He told her it was from me and she was overjoyed. When he dropped her off at his ex's on the evening, his daughter went running to the door saying "mommy, mommy, look what I've got!!", his ex said "Oh that's lovely, who bought you that?", to which she replied Rachael...the tiger was then snatched off her and thrown at my fiance with a barrage of abuse from his ex. "How dare she buy my daughter presents??" "Who does she think she is??", the usual lines... The tiger is not allowed in her house, so now has to stay at her nanny's...

I am just looking for some advice as to what to do really, yes, she is entitled to say exactly who her daughter meets, and I understand that. But I'm just unsure of what she is scared of - I'm not trying to take her place, I'm not going to turn their daughter against her - I just want to build up a friendship with his daughter and for everything to move on. I understand that I was probably a major cause in her parents splitting up, but surely now is the time for us all to move on and get along. Our main priority in all this is his daughter...her happiness, her relationship with her father, and with her step-brothers. I am more than happy to take a back seat and just be her friend, I don't want to be her mother, she has a perfectly good one already..

My fiance has not got Parental Responsibility, but we are trying to get this by drawing up an agreement - but she will not sign it. So legally, we can't do anything... My fiance only sees his daughter every 2 weeks, or when his ex wants to go out with her friends..surely if I was allowed to meet her, he could see her more often.

Some help and advice on how to deal with this situation would a huge help.....x

Anonymous's picture

I can't offer a whole lot of advice. Can't blame the woman at all because you did share a role in stealing her "future husband" and the father of her child. Now your engaged to him, but all I see here are two women who should get rid of a no good cheater. He'll likely do the same to you but really didn't you foresee all this. Plus he may end up resenting you because of losing his daughter, but afterall he did cheat to begin with so he can't put all of it on you. It does take two.

Anonymous's picture

If you didn't love your husband then why did you get pregnant just before you divorced him. All I can say is I don't blame the ex fiancee, I wouldn't let my child around you either because obviously you need to raise the bar in the morals dept.

You should have thought of the children, why your in this mess and sounds like you hurts others in the process.

teleea's picture

I've played the lonely second wife, watching my husband pack his bag and resenting my not being at his side at family fuctions.

I've also been the ex wife joining the family in mourning knowing full well how uncomfortable the situation must be for the new wife.
Believe me, this was far more uncomfortable than the first. But, I quickly found my place, simply saying that I was the mother of the deceased great-grandchildren, etc.

The way I look at it, once part of the family, always part of the family. The odd thing is that I really only felt accepted by my ex husband's family after we were no longer together.

It has been 13yrs since we parted, 11 since he remarried. I think that the somewhat tolerant relationship that my kids step-mother and I have goes back to those early years when we uncomfortably showed up at the same functions.

Anonymous's picture


illy's picture

my bf still believes that they(my bf, X, daughter and her X's son from another man when she cheated on him) should have family activities like watching movies, children shows, going out to eat, going to the mall and I really hate it... i feel very angry, insecure and left out. he said he's gonna stand his ground and not stop these activities because its for his daughter. he lives in the US... the ex still lives in Asia but he comes to visit them and his parents once a year for a month. can you help me on how you girls dealt with it? they've been separated(yes, not yet divorced because they still have to traansfer the daughter's name to my bf)for three years but when my X visited them the last time a year ago... she begged for him to take her back and he did for the sake of the child... but only lasted a week, after my bf went back to the states, she went back to her bf. the X is such a stray. i still feel jealous, uncomfortable and angry about him going over to their house almost everyday but he comes home to me every night after spending a few hours there. he said he doesnt have a choice and could not avoid her. i'm really confused. i hope you can help me.

Marilyn's picture

That is ridiculous! Of course, it's easy to see how guys get guilted into doing stuff like that (they feel like they walked out on their family, etc), but as I like to put it: it's time for him to s**t or get off the pot. If he needs to do all that stuff, he should just be with her again. After all, lots of people stay in love-less marriages exactly for that reason: to still maintain the traditional family-time stuff. Not that that is desirable, but hey, they stay in the marriage "for the kids." Maybe you should bring that up the next time he says he's doing it just "for the kids." As for going to Asia for a month at a time (with or without you?) to see his family, what if you two get married and have kids of your own? Of course, this may change if you guys get to that point, but you don't want to be married with one or two kids down the line only to find out it doesn't change. You are justified in your feelings. Perhaps you should suggest that the two of you do your own outings with the kids.

Robin's picture


I am new to this sight, but it seems helpful so I will post and look forward to some advice.

I am in a 2+ year relationship. I have always had some level of discord with my step daughter. Until recently she has been staying for an occational day. This last year my SO (significant other)and I moved into a larger home where she now has her own space.

Consequently she has been staying here more and more. Sometimes for 10 or more days at a time. I find myself having to parent her and spend increasing amounts of time with her, without her father being here. He works from early afternoon (2 or 3 pm) to early morning (2 or 3 am) 5 or 6 days a week. She is very disrespectful, argumentative, and bad talks me to her father when he calls for his check-in's.

When she is here she wont call to talk to her mother, who this last year remarried and has a new baby girl.
I want her here, it has got to be very hard for her at her mothers home and an adjustment for her to be here. On top of all that her mother, grandparents on her mothers side (who live with her mother) are of asian decent and my SD is first gen American. Culturally her mothers home and my home have different expectations of her.

To make matters more complex we have no communication between homes. When ever there is communication it is between my SO and his X and usually results in yelling, many hang-up (from the X) and no real communication. I wont let her put me, or my SO down, which she tries to do all the time. I also feel she is taking advantage of us because she has left large pieces of funiture with us as she reorganizes and redecorates her home. She has been in it for about 17 month's now. She says she wants the pieces back and occationally makes sounds of wanting to come and get them, but hasn't yet. One item being a piano that has sat in my living room and I haven't been able to move since it was put there.

My SO wont do anything about the furnite other than occationally mention it to her because of their poor communication.
Sooooo, what I really want to know is how to I keep from feeling stepped all over and walked on by my SD.
I have talked to her father and he just doesn't know what to do with her, her mother or anything....ugg.

Thanks I hope you can understand my rambling and can offer some advice.


Anne 8102's picture

I'm not sure what to tell you about your SD. How old is she? My biological son has gotten pretty mouthy and argumentative since turning eight and we all know that teenagers have pretty large mouths on them. Some of what she is doing might just be age-related. Also, it's never easy making that transition from one house to another, because both houses have different rules, expectations, etc. When you throw the cultural difference in there, it can seem for a child like moving from one planet to another, rather just from house to house. I think you and Dad should probably come up with a written list of rules and expectations, as well as consequences for not following the rules, for your home. Sit down with her and explain that this is what will happen in your home. Tack them up where she can see them as a reminder, then you and he both need to be consistent in making sure they are followed. Taking away privileges, such as TV, phone, iPod, etc., is a great discplinary measure for stepparents. It also gets them where it hurts! ;°)

As to all her crap being in your house, I would send her a registered letter - one that she has to sign for to receive - that says she has one week to remove her property from your home or you will remove it for her. If it's still there after a week, have a yard sale and take yourselves out to dinner with the profit!

~ Anne ~

Anonymous's picture

I really need some advice. I've been married 5 years,with him 10 yrs.
It was 4 years until his family even accepted me because we met while he was still married. We each have 2 children, all teens. My problem is his ex is at every occasion and holiday gathering at his family. We get along fine and for awhile I'd go to things but I am so uncomfortable, not to mention treated differently than when shes not there, I dont want to go anymore. Well, Xmas just passed, and my husband and I went to his families Xmas Eve(she was working). Xmas day my husband went to his families and I refused to go. He went anyway(she was there). I spent Xmas alone because my kids were with their dad. I have been so depressed and resentful to him since then. Am I wrong for feeling this way? He tells me Im the one doing it to myself.He thinks I can just control my feelings. I cant, I'm an emotional person to begin with. Please someone tell me if Im wrong. My marriage is on the verge of ending. I have no support from heim when it comes to this

Anonymous's picture

It is such a relief to know that there are other people out there going through the same thing. I have often times gotten to the point where it has just about driven me crazy. My husband and I have been together for four years. He has been divorced for six. They had three children together, some of which make my life as difficult as they can.

The ex has gone from holding down a head job as a social worker to living off the county and claiming disability for depression all since we got married. She has been in and out of the psych ward and treatment five times since we have gotten married. She has had the county remove the children from her home at least twice. She lives to make our lives miserable...weekly phone calls, lawyer bills, and of course contacting my husband's family. Most of them (except the bitchy sister) claim to hate her, but they all feed into her feel sorry for me crap. She wrote a letter while she was going through her most recent treatment telling me that she wanted me to fail because she was jealous, I was everything she wasn't, and I made my husband happy and she could not do that. She slept around on my husband for the last five years of their marriage. She told me in the letter that she wants my husband's family to like her and not me and she was sorry she did all of that. Of course, here we are five months later. She is out of treatment and back to her same old ways of trying to disturb our lives. We have gotten professional counseling to help deal with her and were told that she likes to create chaos outside herself to mask the disaster she has going on in her own life not seem so bad. She takes people on a roller coaster ride but don't get caught up. That is so easy to say, but when it affects your life and your children(we have two little boys of our own) it is not as easily done.

Up until two months ago we had custody of all three children. My step daughter has since left because we grounded her for drinking and sneaking out at night (she is 14). She spread some horrible lies about me to my husband's family and was a clone of her mother in the way she acted. We know she is just staying with her mother because there are no rules and limits, but what can we do? Currently the ex is dating a guy she met in the mental hospital...things just keep getting better.

Besides moving to a different country, what can a person do?

Anonymous's picture

Gosh, i have read all your posts today, and feel more normal then I thought i was. Thanks to all ofyou, and seeing i am not alone. I am with a man that also, left his wife of 4 years, with their 1.5 year old, and while she was pregnant with their 2nd child. His family does not accept me fully, his parents somewhat, but his sisters NO WAY. His sister is best friends with the ex and the ex is invited to every family function! and we are not! In fact, right as i write this, his entire family, parents and sister, are at their florida home together with his EX and their kids!!! Unbelievable! I dont know how to handle this, we are never invited, the ex always is, and its affecting my b/f as he used to be very close with his family. It is causing us to fight, b/c i tell him i dont think its appropriate how his family is acting at times and he defends them saying b/c they share kids, then dont want to be mean to her etc....i understand, not b eing mean, but they shoudl not be inviting her every where on every ocasion b/c that way she will NEVER get over him! And that just causes more pain on herself and everyone around. She is still not over him, and I know would take him back any day. I mean she is still living the same life she was with him except he is no longer in the picture, but his entire family is there for her every day, and even support her financially. WHAT IS A GIRL TO DO, i am going mad! They are not even divorced yet, b/c she keeps delaying the agreement etc... and his own family is tellling him not to rush her and to just let her get over it! Any suggestions?

Hopeful2's picture

Hi, unfortunately your in a similar situation to what I once was in 14 years ago.

At the time I could not understand why the inlaws did not like me. My first serious relationship and I fell for a man with a child and a bitter x that came with the package.

My husband had been in a relationship with his x for at least 10 years. They were both young parents starting out and his family had a lot of involvement in helping them raise their son. The x had hardly any support from her own family so I guess she was taken under the family's wing.

Anyway, their relationship turned sour and eventually my husband called it quits. The family at that stage had become so close to the x that unfortunately they did not want to accept his decision. Disappointed I guess (as they are a religious family) that their son no longer wished to take responsibility of his young family.

The x still harboured feelings for my husband even after they split and when she found out that he had moved on and met someone else, she was most upset and played the 'poor me' act with his parents.

So unlucky for me, I had to deal with the cold shoulder from his parents and the whispering under the breath from his sisters who are great friends with his x.

For years I seethed and argued with my husband about the way x and some members of his family had treated me.

It is only within the last couple of years that I've realized what a waste of space it was mulling over these problems.

Try not to beat yourself up about this. I know that it is frustrating and hurtful what you are seeing. Believe me, I've been there! But if you let this get to you, it could be very destructive.

What I'm saying is that if you are serious about this relationship that you are in with your b/f you both need to be able to communicate openly and support each other. If not, you will be in for a lot of heartache. The choices is yours.

The x comes with the package when children enter the equation. There is no way around this. If you have an amicable relationship with the ex that's great but if you don't life can be horrible.

See if your b/f can make an effort to get you both involved with his family. If the family are not willing to come to the party... take the plunge ...invite family around for dinner. Spend time with them, take the kids, nieces, nephews out. Just grit your teeth and do it.. you might be surprised. Maybe they will get to know you a bit better and change their opinion over time and start treating you differently. Should this happen, you could possibly see some major changes happening.

I hope this helps and good luck (0:

Midnightray's picture

As I am writing this I do realize I am biased in my thought process because of the love I have for my BF .... Me and my BF met on the internet in a game. Both on the brink of divorce but it seemed to expedite it. Because of my guilt I left our mutual child with my ex. Which tears me apart everyday because I do know I am the better parent for my son. Anyways, We have been dating for 8 months and living together for 3 1/2 months. His ex was very bitter at first and does play a lot of games to be the victim and he carries his own guilt for leaving his family (but maybe she has the right to feel victimized ... I can imagine the pain). They together have a 5 and 10 year old boys together. He (to my understanding) was the primary caregiver of these boys while she works a very hectic job as a nurse (very high up even acts as CEO on certain nights). He's agreed to give her everything in the divorce because money and possession are not his interests ... strictly happiness and enough money to carry all of us through comfortably. Where as her whole goal in life is clear and it's financial and material gain. That is who she is. She will sacrifice family, marriage anything to be there. She said I couldn't be included in the kids lives, but he has allowed me to be despite her opposition to it (which is the first and only time he's went against her wishes or demands). It did cause a lot of friction but that part of it all has all panned out. I don't go to the kids games or anything like that (and at times YES it does hurt I feel like every minute is an hour he's there) and most often he does go over to their home and spend time with the boys and listening and helping her out as well. Sometimes I feel she intentionally keeps him away because she does know he will honor her wishes for me not to attend these functions. But he promises it is only temporary because in time all pieces will fall into place if they are not forced. None of his family has ever liked her. Everyone I talk to says how controlling and how poorly she has always treated him (they were together 14 years). She does still have a lot of control over him and he won't allow me any say if it goes against her wishes. At times I struggle with the thought that he doesn't care about me the way he does her because of how consistently I feel I am left at home crying silently, trying to do the right thing by his boys. His boys both really like me despite their mothers open hatred towards me. His family likes me even though they want to tell me what I need to be doing in my life with my BF. But it's like everyone is worried that because I have children as well that I'm trying to make him replace his kids with mine. And that is not true. Nor am I trying to replace his kids mother. I would never do that coming from a home where I was not biologically connected and remembering how it feels to be an outsider. He claims all that he does is for his kids and that he loves me dearly or else he would stay their longer and not come home to me. That I need to take comfort in the idea that he comes home to me everynight. That he does provide for my daughter and me. Lately I have been building resentment though because He clearly doesn't want me to have ALL of my kids with me because that is too much responsibility for him and would add to the guilt of him not spending every day with his kids. But in the drop of a hat he will run off to be with his kids at any request because they ARE his but If I want to continue on in our relationship I have to be willing to give up that part of who I am. I am stuck between the kind acts and kind words he does show me ... because their are times that he says some very VERY hurtful things and shows no willingness to include all of mine. After I met him he convinced me to send my other son off to his father as well. That I was bettering him and now I feel the only person it benefited was himself. I honestly felt at that time I was doing the unselfish thing and doing what would better complete my son. And now if I have any complaints or just want to have my feelings taken into consideration he just says ... "If I don't like it I always have the option to leave." When his ex was mean to him he give me the world and shared his boys completely but lately she is being nice to him and starting to ask several tedious requests to make sure I feel excluded. And if I try and talk to him he gets defensive and tells me if he has to live miserably with me he'll live miserable without me. My ex still loves me and still wants to be a part of my life. I mean I can put my whole family back together (despite the bad thing I did) and have my whole family back together. All my kids want that, except I don't want that with him ... I want that with my BF now but am realizing I really do have to make a choice or I may very well end up losing out all the way around. I have a high tolerance and patience for the situation but I cannot feel like someone does not even CARE about the way I feel anymore. Do I wait for the ex to become angry again so I can have US back or is that I clear indicator that if she would take him back he'd do it in a heartbeat? Why else would he work to preserve her happiness and do nothing to preserve OURS (if he's already lost it there why damage what he has right now)? He says love and caring takes time but what I've witnessed it seems he cares less about us over time. I am a very private person so won't go into huge details of all the problems and words exchanged. I try to place myself in everybody's shoes to understand the way they feel but at times I just want to be selfish and says I HAVE FEELINGS TOO. I tried to leave him once and it lasted a week. I couldn't do it. Everything in me wanted to work it out with him even though my family life felt more complete without being with him. Myself felt incomplete and I didn't feel happy. Is there something wrong with me and the way I'm feeling? I hate to say that maybe it's strictly a sexual fulfillment for now or chasing a pipe dream only to realize I was better off to stay where I belonged with my family. Maybe there's a disillusion of meeting someone new. I didn't have the most stable of childhoods and I do know that. I always swore I wasn't following a pattern but when I really think of the way my life is unfolding by my choices the more I see me behaving and making choices very similar to the ones my parents did. And they clearly loved others more than they did my siblings and myself. Even to the point of abandoning all of us. I used to think I did mine for different reasons. But now I feel like I'm doing it strictly for selfish reasons. Two of my children hurt daily because of this and are not with me (I have always been the best mom to them) and one of mine (who is with me) hurts because she isn't with her brothers. And now my BF says I can bring one of them to live with us but there's no guarantee our relationship will make it if I do. OOF. The decision should be simple ... kids over adults. As his is with me. His kids and his ex come first at all expense to us. Where as I adopted the view from him that As long as the adults are happy the kids will be happy. So he said "our" happiness was first and foremost, then the kids then all others. Now for him, actions have shown first his ex and his kids, then me and then all others. I think I've made a grave mistake and for some reason I can't make myself walk out that door and pick up my pieces before it's too late. Why do I love this man? Is he right, that in time all the pieces will fit together and I will have my kids with me and we'll have normal family activities that include all of us? He does give an answer as to why he thinks for now the kids are better off elsewhere and that it's because we aren't stable and it's pointless to bring kids through anymore instability that necessary. He also tells me the reason he does so much for his ex if because their divorces aren't finalized and she has the power to take everything we have away and that she will do it too. So he tells me he needs to do this for her ... because it helps US. I do look at what he gave up as well. He gave up alot financially speaking. 4 million dollars in retirement and 200,000 a year income. To have to try and survive off of $60K a year plus help out and contribute to the kids as well. Because despite all her money it never seems to be enough. And she has a way of making him guilty for being emotionally happy while she is not. Somenights I just cry (and I'm not a crier) and keep chanting thru my head "I am who I am, and I am enough." I know deep down in each person if they listen to their deep down gut instinct all people know what's best for them. How come I can't finalize my deepest down gut instinct? I'm not sure which it is. I am starting to feel I am in love with the idea of what I'd like to see happening as opposed to the what it really is turning out to be.
Any advice would help no matter how mean or harsh ... or how kind and gentle. I am a strong person and do have an appeal for honest people.

Thank you for listening.


DA's picture

I really feel for you! If I may...suggest something and you would be open to it...Here is what I would and have done before. Simple as it made me see if I should stay in my relationship with my DBF. Write down on a piece of paper, two columns good bad
Under the good write down all the good that is in your relationship (not what you want now and in the future, but from the past and present) Then write down all the bad things in the other column. It will be crystal clear! Trust me...Don't put HIS needs before YOUR OWN ;)! We all make mistakes and learn from them. If you realize this is a mistake even if you've been together for several years...End it now. I too was in love with the idea of what I wanted out of my relationship and finally decided to tell him...I would no longer be the one sacrificing for HIS needs. My needs were just as important. We started going to counseling (a full year and half) and we have come so far. I will not settle for any less than what I need in a relationship and nor should you. Please write me back and let me know what you decide. Hang in there! Just remember sometimes we have to take two steps back to go one step forward! Wink

Anonymous's picture

My fiance and I have been together for 6 years. We both come from a divorce. He has an eleven year old daughter who refuses to make a relationship with me. So much so, that she will not come to our house. He has to go over to his ex-wifes house to see her. He spends 5-6 hours at a time over there. I was coping with it but now we have a baby together. The baby is several weeks old now and his daughter still hasn't seen him. I asked to meet in a neutral location and he refused. He said she would come when she is ready. Isn't 6 years long enough. Help! I don't know what to do. Its like he really has two families.

Mammy's picture

He Does have 2 families, and thats just the way he likes it. He is suppose to be "picking her up" at the ex wifes house, not staying over there visiting. I actually think its a lot of nerve that he even tried to pull that off, and its astonishing that you continued to allow it. What if you went with him? I would tell him if he doesn't shape up, he'll be paying you child support and "visiting" you! But back up those words and above all don't let this abuse continue.

Mocha2001's picture

... if you want to be there to support your husband be there. He's the only one that should matter for you in this situation.

~ Katrina

Anonymous's picture

He visits the child at his ex's??

Give him an ultimatum.

astra's picture

The comments on here are comforting to read. I'm a new step-mom and I've come to realize it could be a lot worse. My SS (he's eight)is very sweet and him and I get along very well, although there some awkwardness sometimes when after he is with his mom for a long while without seeing us.

I found this site when I was looking for advice about my in-laws. DH's ex is still interacting with them, even after DH has asked his parents and his ex to stop. This to me is unacceptable, especially because ex has specifically forbidden that DH have any contact with her family and demands that only either DH or her (not both) should be at any SS oriented function, including SS's birthday party.

She's not evil, most of the time she's pretty benign, but she did cheat on DH, and I would think that that would stop cold whatever friendship DH's parents and her would have. I can tell it hurts DH that his parents would still want to have the same relationship with her that they did before he divorced her. I just don't understand why they're doing this and it makes me not want to have any relationship with them at all.

Run 4 the hills's picture

Well BB has surpassed herself this time by ingratiating herself with his family and getting invitations etc. to the extent where he has now been ex-comunicated by them it would seem.

Unbelieveable. I never thought his parents could be that crass, stupid, disloyal and mean.

This, from the woman they have slagged off enough in the past and they KNOW all the evil things she has done to us over the years.

well, she is welcome to them.

Hope she dies slowly and painfully. Grrr. Evil cow.

Anonymous's picture

My fiance's ex-mother-in-law is visiting her daughter. She is here from Panama. She recently called my fiance and told him that her daughter is not happy and the man she is with now is very controlling and mean to her. I'm not sure why she's telling my fiance these things! In my mind, I see it as if she's saying that her daughter's new life isn't as wonderful as she thought it would be, and that maybe she wants her ex-husband back (my fiance)!!! I became very upset upon hearing this information. Should I be jealous like this? I don't like this feeling. My fiance just says that the woman was his mother-in-law for 16 years and still sees him as a son that she can confide in.

Joanne O's picture

I met my husband while he was in a failing marriage. I refused to get into a relationship with him until he made it clear to his wife that he was leaving and actually started the process. He did that and we began dating and moved in together right away. Got married 1 1/2 years later. They have a 6 year old son together. It has been almost 4 years now and the ex wife specifically told me that she is and always will be a part of the family. She arranges to meet some of my husbands family members and spend the day. She goes over to the grandparents house and complains about my husband and that he needs to acknowledge her. My husband hasn't been the best at cutting her off either. He and I, in the beginning would always argue because he would share OUR relationship issued with her. That has since stopped (after my stop or I leave demand.) Their 6 year old son is acting out big time (only with his mother) and I think that alot of it has to do with the things she says about us in his presence.The son will not speak to his dad on the phone, but when he is with only us, he is good. Now we are expecting a child and suddenly she stops calling and stops taking my husbands calls, when he tries to find out how his son is doing. It bothers me to the point that I want to email or call her and ask her why she does these things. I think her bottom line is she feels like she is the victim here and she has the right to do whatever it is she wants. I am just glad I am not the only one going through this stuff, but how do I approach her and ask her why she punishes my husband by not taking his calls when he wants to see how his son is doing? They live in NJ and we live in FL, so the phone calls are important. She will call and say I need your new address because your son made you something for Father's Day...we never see any thing in the mail. I think she does it just to get the address, like she HAS to know where he is at all times. I am stuck and getting really frustrated. Any advice???? Thanks Joanne

Anonymous's picture

OMG...I soooooooooo wish I had of found this page years ago!!! What a relief to know that I am not alone in all this "crap"!!! I am not sure if anyone still reads this as most of the dates are from 2006, but gunna give it a shot anyhow...

My story is a long one, but I will try to condence. I appreciate ANY feedback...agree or disagree...

My husband (let's call him "Fred") and I have been together for 4 years. When we met, we were both unhappily married and we started out as friends. However, before we left our surrent spouses, we became romantically involved. He is divorced and we have married, however the separation is still a battle and his ex is a gold digging little witch!!!!

When we first got together, "Fred's" family was happy that he had finally chose to leave his wife of 15 years as they knew how unhappy and miserable he had been. His parents welcomed me with open arms (and so did his 2 sisters, although 2 of his 3 brothers treated me like I had the plague).

We found out as time passed that although his parents and some of his siblings seemed OK with the situation, that they were continuing contact with his ex. Not a little bit of contact...but regularily including his ex and his 2 children (who were 14 & 12 at the time) going to his parents house for weekends and other family functions. There were Christmas and birthday presents exchanged and to this day, I have YET to get a bday card from anyone in his family.

After being together for 2 years, "Fred" received a bday card from his mother. Not once in that card did it say Happy Birthday. All it did was rant and rave that I was a horrible person that had destroyed his marriage and his family. That "Fred" needed to leave me and go back to his ex wife "where he belonged". Apparently, I was never welcomed into the family, nor would I ever be.

This caused alot of stress and problems in our relationship, but "Fred" sided with me and told his mother (after stewing about it for 5 months) that she had no right to say what she said, and that we would NOT be attending Christmas. This was the first time that they spoke since the "bday" card was received and he responded. He made this announcement at their home (which is 2 hours aways from us) while I sat outside. He was upset when he came out of their home, which I totally understand. During this visit, his father was dumbfounded as to what was going on, as his mother had never told him what she had said. For his ignorance, I forgive him for everything that happened.

After the visit, there were once a month phone calls where "Fred" and his mother would discuss the weather, but never anything of importance. He was still hurt by the horrible things that she had said.

We married on New Years Eve (in another State with only 2 friends present), and have yet to receive ANY kind of acknowledgement of the marriage from his family. No cards, phone calls, emails...NOTHING.

In March, his mother passed away of a heart attack. As "Fred" is a long haul truck driver, it was pure luck that he was about 30 minutes away from the hospital in which his mother was. He made it before she passed away and was at her bedside when she took her last breath. I am thankful that he was there, because even though there were hard feelings, she was his mother and I dont think he would have been able to live with himself if he wasnt there...especially after everything that had happened.

At his mothers request, there was no funeral service. She wanted to be cremated and her ashes spread in the lake where she was raised. It was decided to do this several months after her passing. Also at her request, we were told that the ONLY people in attendance were to be her children, their spouses and grandchildren. We even had cousins ask if they could come, and we were told to tell them "No...immediate family only". Not even her siblings, or siblings-in-law are invited.

As this "service" is 300 miles away, everyone is planning on staying for the weekend. Due to the issues with "Fred's" siblings, we have chose a separate location just to avoid any problems.

"Fred's" children are now 18 and 15, and we assumed that they would be staying with us. However, when "Fred" spoke to his eldest child tonight and asked him if they were driving separately or coming with us, "Fred" was told that his children were coming with their mother and would be staying with her. WTF!?!?!?! What happened to immediate family only???

With me and my short fuse, I instantly announced that this was TOTAL bull*%^# and that I would NOT be going. When I had to tell "Fred's" cousin and his wife that they couldnt come, yet his ex can!?!?!? Not freaking likely!!!!

If it was a normal funeral, then yes, I can understand the ex attending (as long as she stayed in the back and didnt speak to or look at me). But this isnt a "normal" funeral...

"Fred" hasnt said much since I announced that I wasnt going. I have no idea if he plans to attend or if he will stay home with me. I do understand that it is his mother, but he was there when she passed away. Why would he want to drive for 300 miles to spread ashes with 5 siblings that he doesnt even speak to and his ex-wife. I want to give him an ultimatum, but dont think that is a wise choice when it IS his mothers memorial. Yet how can he think I will be cool with sitting at home while he drives that far to be with people he doesnt care for just to say "I was there"...

What do I do??? Do I swallow my pride and go??? Do I tell him he cant go??? I know that if I go that I will likley end up telling everyone there exactly what I feel about them and it will turn into a brawl instead of a memorial. It isnt the time or place for me to vent my frustrations, but I know that is what will happen.


Not Sure What To Do

Anonymous's picture

I am new to this site, but would appreciate some advice. My husband and I have been married for 8 years together for 10. He has a 15 almost 16 year old daughter who he pays child support for and loves very much. The problems is her mom! She writes my husband letters all the time telling him she hates him and that he is not a good father and so on. He would be a wonderful father if given the chance to be. The latest episode is we had just purchased another car and she is mad because we did this months before daughters 16th birthday, she thinks we should have bought their daughter a car. In the letter she told my husband that their daughter didn't want him in her life and that he is not to call her because she pays the phone bill. She took us back to get more child support and got it, which is fine with us because we were paying child support before plus helping her out with half of everything on top of that. What is our child support for? She calls and wants money for sports, school clothes, hair, nails you name she wants it. Now she wants us to buy her a car. Please give me some advice on how to deal with this crazy woman before I go crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous's picture

Gee...has this woman been married twice before??? LOL Sounds like my husbands ex.
We went thru the same thing, and our lawyer told us NOT to give her anything more than what the legal agreement stated. We pay ALOT of child support every month for his 2 kids, plus 75% of all extra expenses (prescriptions, dentist, sports, etc). But the child support is SUPPOSE to be used to buy clothes, pay for hair cuts, etc. Those arent extras that the guys have to pay for!!!
As for the car...what business is it of hers if you bought a car? I too have 2 kids, and when my oldest (now 18) turned 16 and got his license, he drove my vehicle til he could afford his own. Hubby's kids...same thing. It is NOT your responsibility to buy her a car!!! If it is the daughter's decision to not speak to her father because he wont buy her a car, then OH WELL!!! She will either get over it or be a long time mad!!! If she is that material that she wont speak to her dad because he didnt buy her a car, then maybe she needs some time to cool off and rethink "her" responsibilities in life. Driving is a priveledge and not a right, so if she wants a car, maybe she should get a job so she can afford her own!!!
These kids who think that they can play both parents need a tuning in!!! Hard for us parents, but a necessity!!!
As for the mothers notes, ignore them. She has NO business in your relationship and needs to stay out. Read them and keep them (in case you need them in court someday), but the first time you and hubby gave in to her petty demands gave her the OK to keep doing it. If you ignore her, maybe she will go away. I doubt she will go away quietly, but hopefully someday, when she has her own life, she will realize what a pain in the ass she is.

Good Luck!!!

Anonymous's picture

I feel for you. I am not sure this will ever change. My husband and me married 3 years ago still having his X playing games. When we decided to get married they were very happy and going to be in the wedding party. This changed 4 months before the wedding date. His children from previous marriage wanted his X-wife at the wedding. These children are all adults ranging from 19 -25 years old. When told no this was our day things escalated. They then wanted to go to the hairdresser of there mother friend. I asked they come with the rest of the wedding party and extended family. Then they refused to be in the wedding telling my husband he had to choose either them or his bride. If he did marry they would not have a relationship with him. They also said they would not attend the wedding. In my opinion I tried keeping the door totally open to his children. The wedding day at the reception suprise 2 of his children came for pictures , dinner, & dance. I thought oh good!! Only to find them delivering terrible letters 2 days later that were very viscous. we have helped these adult children out with buying cars and rent the list goes on. They are nice when they want something then my husband does not hear from them until the next time. The problem we still constantly face is his X-wife phones and talks with him then he treats my children & me like crap almost abusive. His mother interferes I have come to the conclusion if he asks me to call I now say no you call her removing myself from all the hurtful comments. Good luck!!!! I really think unless you can remain silent this will never change. The question is can you cope with extended family members negative behaviors and be stronger showing them respect. This I know is very much a hard challenge and I am constantly battling my own hurtful emotions.

Anonymous's picture

I've read over everyone's replies about the ex-wife being invited and attending family functions and just wanted/needed to share my own recent experiences. My boyfriends (we've been together 7 years) Grandmother passed away recently and my BF's mother decided to put up my BF father to call and tell my BF to come alone and without me to the funeral! My BF told them, he was coming and would bring me or anyone else for that fact! He stated it was "his grandmother" and that they couldn't tell him who to/or not to bring. ( I was not aware of the conversation/request until after the funeral, he was wanting to protect me) Then next thing we know his Dad calls to tell us that he is going to be "buying tickets" for my BF's ex-wife and my BF two children so they could attend the funeral! We had already made travel arrangements for the kids and he thank-goodness told them they were again out of line and that he would bring his daughters. We both found this to be unbelievable for his parents 1st to not want me to be there but wanted the ex-wife (divorced for 9yrs) to be there at their expense. Up until this point I have been to dinners family events, birthdays etc... at their home over the years. Long story short...we find out that his ex-wife and his mother, sisters (3 all together) and brother have decided to not except me as a part of their son's life due to the ex-wife spreading lies and gossip about my relationship with my BF. Granted the EX didn't have a close relationship with them until we got together! Sure enough we arrive at the funeral and there is my BF's immediate family standing around the ex-wife and the kids and they all turn to give us "dirty looks" right there in front of everyone even while we were trying to pay our last respects to his GM in her casket! The even rode in his parents car on the way to the cemetery. After coming home...we check our mail yesterday we receive this looooog 8 page letter from his parents, sister, brother and EX-WIFE that "we" will not longer be invited for family events that they put together, and they will always invite the EX-Wife! They chose their ex-daughter-inlaw over there own SON! All because he wouldn't bend to there ways! He is the best person I have ever met and the best DAD to his two daughters. His family are/is extremely evil to have taken sides and done what they he is left very hurt but strong with the belief that they all deserve each other! He said "the hell with them"!!! We will be just need to know how to deal with the two daughters who have been "brainwashed" into thinking I'm this terrible person...any advice???

Take2Steps's picture

How does your BF feel? It's hard to give advice when you are looking for the same advice. My situation is a little different. My fiancee and his Ex were never married, have 2 kids. They had been split up 3 years before I met him (he even had another girlfriend in between.) His family never had an issue with me, that I know of and one sister used to talk about the EX all the time and say how dirty she was, ignorant, etc. I never really had a close relationship with his family don't know why. I tried to go shopping, movies, have their kids stay over and no response.

Now, I have been with my fiancee for 10 years and we have 3 kids together. As of a couple of years ago the one sister who used to talk crap, happened to see the Ex in a store. They started talking and have now become best friends. They go shopping, the movies, take their kids out together. She even let the EX watch them while she went back to school. Something I asked to do and was rejected not realizing the Ex was back in the picture.

The EX is at every 4th of July, any cookout, birthday, etc. The Ex is getting married and asked my fiancee's sister to be the maid of honor. My fiancee's sister has even moved into the same apt. complex as the EX. We are supposed to go over this sister's house for Christmas and who knows if the EX will be there. I previously told this sister that I would never step foot in her house. My fiancee won't go if I don't want to. He is very, very supportive of me. He is so numb to the whole thing that he could really care less if she's there.

What should I do? Go or not? Should I pretend to have a good time or act pissed off? My fiancee and I do not get along with the EX. But as his kids are around, we are always very civil to each other and pretty much ignore the other. Only problem is the girls in the family sit in a room and talk and she is there. I usually sit in another room.

DA's picture

I was having trouble logging on these past few days and now was finally able to do so just today the 25th. Maybe this will help with next year...please let me know what happened-if you did decide to go to the Christmas party.

I would like to give you some advice...regarding attending the Christmas party. Go "only" if you will have fun and feel excepted. I have decided that my BF and I will no longer put ourselves in any positions were we are not respected and treated with kindness. My BF supports that we should start having our "own family holidays". We've had enough of his family siding with the EX WIFE and inviting her to family events. We have finally taken a stand againist the abusive behavior from his family regarding own relationship. Far as we are concerned..."his family and the EX WIFE deserve each other! Wink If you do decide to go have fun! Don't let the EX see you pissed off or upset...laugh loudly and smile alot. Believe me happiness is the best revenge for such individuals who dwell in treating others badly. Let me know what you decide. Take care and have a MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Angel's picture

My ex's mother did not approve of his divorce or our getting together. Basically because we had an affair. I think if we had met after our divorces were final it would have been very different.

Did you break up his marriage?

my heart hurts's picture

I have been divorced 11 years, raised my two boys now 17 and 15 I am 36. Unfortunately we have lost several very close people (my mom 54 cancer 2001, grandparents,god mother, aunts then my DAd at 64 in 2006 from cancer. Over the past 4 years I have been trying to build a relationship with this man whom at first came into my life as a golden light of hope. Happy, giving , funny , smiling etc, with his two beautiful kids now 10 ( girl) and 7 ( boy ) , Mind you this man is Italian, and so is the whole family. I was not aware that that word Italian meant (loud,lying,denial,stories,standing by family members that even put each other down etc.) ontop of all this, the ex, she gets what she wants when she wants from who she wants. WE have the kids 90% of the time and he pays a very large amount . when my father passed last year it was unexpected and sudden and right at the time my fiance and I had moved intogether to build a relationship, mind you in had left me to go back to his ex the previous year also and I welcomed him back again. to say the least I have been made to feel literally insane crazy and now on medication , sleeping medicine you name it counseling. I never was like this before, and all I ask of him is to please stop catering to her and paying her leaving us broke, unhappy stressed etc. He is loving romantic caring for a short time then right back to the old crap and always says IM SORRY I WILL CHANGE>.... I am sad and my two boys can not take it anymore, the story is even longer but Im sure someone out there can fill in the other pieces. I love him, he loves me, but he cant let her go and always says ITS FOR THE KIDS> But what about us and my kids and our new family to be? Does anyone see how crazy I feel and all the self esteem I have lost, he says IM the one always fighting and just need to leave him be to do his thing when dealing with his ex. help. Plus I have no family to go to for advice or comfort anymore, and he sends his ITALIAN mom and dad over, whom also cater to the ex by babysitting picking up kids to and from school, so she can sit on her butt, and go to beauty school (the days she feels like it ) and hang out in bed with her boyfriend while we take his son to the ER. stuff like that. it sucks.... But I love his kids to and its been a long 4 years with them and my heart is breaking to have to make a decision if this is good or not.

DA's picture

I read your comments and understand completely what you are going through and understand the "italian family" mentality. My Ex is Italian and I felt the "exact" same way about his family when we were together. Now that we are divorced I 'm involved in a long term (live-in) relationship with someone who has two kids (girls 15 & 18 yrs) who has the same kind of EX. In the beginning of our relationship my Divorced boyfriend also "catered" to his EX-wifes every need making the same excuse that it was for the kids. He would go over and mow her lawn, clean the yard etc...bought her went on and on. I told him that what he was doing was hurting me and was unhealthy for us as a couple. We decided to go to relationship counseling. I also went to counseling by myself to help with how low my self-esteem was due to him doing so much for his Ex-wife. During my sessions I realized one day that I couldn't control anyone else other than me. That was empowering! That was the day that I told my current divorced BF that I was going to end the relationship if he was to continue going "over and beyond" what his duties were regarding the EX! He tried to make me think that I was being unreasonable but I stood firm but kind. I told him I understood that he needs to do certain things for his children (his words)but that it was not ok for him to continue doing so much for the I was able to tell him that it was unhealthy for me to continue in the relationship. I too had lost so much sleep and was on meds's that it was just crazy. I also had never been that way. I started making more friends and building a real circle of healthy friendships. I wasn't going allow myself to be treated with any less dignity, respect for one second longer by him or anyone else for that fact. I told my BF that it was his choice...he could continue his behavior with regards to his EX and I would no longer be in the picture and I meant it! What my Counselor pointed out to me is that we show others how to treat us. If we allow them to treat us badly for any reason that it is how it will be. I learned to draw boundaries. I sat down and wrote down all that I needed and wanted in the relationship. It was all or nothing! I chose not to argue or fight about it any longer and my BF "chose" to stopped doing the extra's for the EX-wife and I didn't have to complain, bitch or argue. It was that simple. Had he choosen to continue then I would have broken up with him. I will never settle for anything less. Nor should you! I understand that you are close to his children and have been with him for several years. You have to put your needs first along with your own children's needs. You sound like a very caring person and I know what you are going through. I hope this bit of info is helpful for you. Take care and I hope this NEW YEAR is the best for you!

Cyndi's picture

I have a sister who is divorced but yet continues to go to her ex's house and all of the ex's family almost daily just to visit. When she had her daughters b-day party she mostly invited the ex's family over even her own family. In fact she puts the ex's family before her own. She is currently dating someone who gets pretty PO'd when he finds out that she is with one of the ex's family and she cannot understand why he gets mad.

This past week the ex's mother died, and I can understand her going to the funeral but she is like calling everyone on the ex's side. She of course is going to the funeral with her and her ex's 4 kids (2 of them do not really even know the grandmother as she has been in a home for the last 7 years.)

To make matters worse the ex has a girlfriend who was with the ex at the wake feeling very uncomfortable as she never met most of the family before. Then my sister makes very inappropiate comments such as to the ex "It must be uncomfortable for you here knowing your ex wife and your girlfriend are here.

My sister's boyfriend is so mad right now and I would like to help him, so I thought of the perfect solution and hopefully he will go along with it. My sisters boyfriend needs to get in touch with one of his ex's and start going over to her house and the brothers and mothers house just to visit. That will let her know how the ex's new girlfriend feels and then he needs to invite an ex over and some of her family over for a family function so that she will know how he feels.

Do not get me wrong I have nothing against my sister but I hate to see other peoples feelings hurt over selfishness.

Someone else said it and I will say it again when you divorce the guy you are done with the family as well except where there are children involved and even then it does not involve going to every one of the ex's family functions.

Jackie's picture

Just wondering if I am being immature about this but my new husband of a year, we have been together for 6 years has a crazy ex who battered him his whole life. When the sons grew up in their 20s, he left and we met a few years later and got married. She is angry and cannot move on. I am divorced as well but my ex is gone away I have three sons he never has contact with but that is another story). I wonder am I being a baby.?.. I am not planning on going to any events like graduations and weddings of his sons.,because it will bother her and she might lose her mind and do something to ruin the wedding... I do not want to be the cause of that. He is at his son's graduation today and the four of them.. the x and the two boys are out to dinner. Part of me is glad for him ( and hoping she is behaving herself) but a part of me feels kind of left out of his life. I think I should get over it,,,, but part of me is annoyed.What do some of you think?

gayle's picture


Jackie I understand completely. I think you are being respectful by not attending, but you should let your husband know. The key word is he is YOUR Husband. He should be the one to put his X in her place. She is manipulating the situation by behaving like a child when you're around.

I am going through a similar situation. I told my husband that he needs to say something and he needs to be the one to take care of it. You should not have to spend your life absent from your step-kids and everyone just for the X's sake. I know at times like this it is hard to be secure in your self and anyone would feel left out.

I would definitely let the kids know why you do not attend. They are grown and should understand. This would reinforce that fact that you love them and would love to be there but can't at this moment due the unstable state of their mother(leave the last part out)

LYnda's picture

What is an acceptable appearance at a wake or funeral of an ex mother in law? Just how much of an appearence should be made?

secondwife's picture

If you are the ex-spouse, please, please keep a dignified and respectful distance. If you are tempted to insert yourself prominently in the funeral/wake, ask yourself why. Why do you want to do that? What is motivating you? Whatever feelings exist, the fact is that you are not part of the family anymore---I know that may not be easy to hear, but it is true. If you make yourself conspicuous, people will notice, and you will look silly, desperate, or worse. So, my advice: go, pay your respects, but do so quietly. Sit in the back and leave immediately after the service. If you would like to communicate with your ex in-laws, send a nice card with your heartfelt condolences in the days after the services.

I'm a the wife of a man whose ex-wife inserted herself quite conspicuously in her former mother-in-law's funeral, and let me tell you it was awful. This woman was so despearate for attention and to feel included that she made a complete ass of herself---basically saying, in front of the whole congregation during the service (yes, she spoke at the service) that she was still part of the family. Your ex, his new wife (if there is one) are sad and greiving. Don't add to it by doing something like this. It's incredibly hurtful to your husband's new wife, especailly, and to others; and it the end, it make you look like a neurotic, self-absorbed idiot usinf the painful occasion of a funeral to further your own agenda.


Anonymous1's picture

I have always tried to maintain positive for the kids sake. I was always strong enough to overlook the ex and her failed mistakes in life. Dragging the kids through a number of marriages and bankrupting her exs. She was always good because she never took anything with her except a case of diamonds. Leaving skids behind like husbands. Leaving her own SD behind like garbage after her mom died. I can not be positive influence to the skids after being raised like this and am satisfied being me.
She ran all over me for years and I thought it was friendship. I should have opened my eyes to her past. She wants you gone if you do not adore her. She uses her ex family, trying to hold together family for her kids because her own family is a mess.
I am stronger and if my husband leaves my side for his ex, I am leaving him behind and taking everything with me, because I have worked hard raising the skids and our kids and deserve it for what I have put up with. His family can admire the ex forever, and it will not matter.

gonebutnotforgotten's picture

Well I have sat here reading posts as far back as 1996 all the time sighing and nodding my head. For years I have put up with an ex who hasn't realised her time with the family has expired along when she had an affair on my husband and decided to leave the marriage. bUt hey all is forgiven and forgotten on his families behalf. Not to mention the hell she has put myself and my husband through over my husbands 2 daughters. It seems this woman is invisable to any critism and can do as she likes without any backlash from anyone including my Husbands family. My Husband and I have a Son together 6 months old and I have also have 2 daughters from my first marriage. I think I have the most UNWANTED visitation story from my Husbands ex that I have seen so far. I had just given birth to our Son and in she walks with my two SD into the delivery suite!!! I had literally just had a shower after giving birth and there she was voice and all on my Son's video of the first moments of his life. was it not enough to drop the children off and just wait outside??? What makes this whole experience more sickly is the woman has put me through the utmost hell for the entire time I have known my Husband. She has dragged us through the mill financially and emotinally to the point I'm sure my Husband at one stage thought the only way out was suicide. And all the time she has manipulated every Government system, the children and of course My husbands family. To rub salt in the wounds, his Mother just returned from a holiday in Fiji with her and the children. This woman is everywhere I look and turn to the point the only way i can get rid of her is to keep away from his Family. My Husband is currently in the process telling his family to get lost.Where is good old fashioned Loyalty?? I too have an Ex whom i get along with fine as I did with his parents. I would never dream of interfering in his families life as much as I like them out of respect for him. As he also got on famously with mine and wont overstep the mark outr of respect for me. Is'nt it an unspoken rule!!!

Heather C's picture

I am going thru this now with my fiance. He and his ex have 2 kids and split up about 6 yrs ago bc she was cheating. She is now remarried and lives 3 hours away but feels that everything is a joint thing. Inviting us to stay at her house for xmas eve., and inviting herself and her family to our events. Recently my fiance told me that he had scheduled a bday party and "both sides of the family" would be there. When I questiooned he meant us and her, her parents g@parents nd entire extended family. When I got mad he said that I had to accept it because the kids didn't get to see her family much bc she doesn't bring them in - like that's our problem. The party is at my soon the be father in laws house! I am still totally pissed and it sounds like if I don't accept it with a smile like that's normal then he's out. Am I wrong for feeing that she and her fam don't belong? fiance. He and his

thegoodwife's picture

Like all of you I can relate. For the 12 years I've been with my DH, 6 as a GF and the last 6 as his wife, I've stayed away from his family events because the EX continues to show up even though it always results in a screaming match between DH, his mom and the EX. It's slowly tapered off but the reason she was always allowed to show up is because my DH would say "the kids want their mom there" To which I would respond "you are giving the kids false hope that you two might get back together or somehow you are all a family still, they need to see that there is you and your family which includes them and that there is their mom and her family which also includes them, but you two are no longer together"

Shortly after I started dating my DH, his grandmother died. The EX not only showed up, but she immediatedly located the Pastor and put herself in as part of the funeral service. She go up and gave a rambling incoherent speech about how much she "loved nanna" and blah blah it was pathetic and I was embarassed for her.

She's been remarried and divorced numerous times but still considers herself part of my DH family.

the latest stunt was my SS graduate high school and the EX had SS put together a video of his childhood leading up to graduation day. Photos of everyone, photos of my DH and the ex together pre-kids, it was disgusting. naturally I was no where in any of the pics. I won't be going to anymore events which include her!!