Off-Custody Week SD Minding the Store wile DW is on Business Trip
She's gone on business for the week, so as I see it, it's my house, my show. I will do what I can to accommodate her kids if they want to come by before or after school before they go to their dad's house. I'm pretty reasonable. As I see it, it's their dad's week - and they're HIS responsibility, not DW's and mine.
We had a long while where these kids would roll up in their dad's car and burst into the house unexpected/unannounced to get shoes or other items. I mentioned it to DW, said, "What if I was walking around nekkid after a shower and they burst in?" She chuckled and said, "Well, they'd learn real quickly why they should let you know before they come over!" Still, they did what they wanted... so I started locking the doors when I am home so I don't have to put up with that jazz.
New rule, as of June 20, 2017, CALL OR TEXT before. The SS was actually pretty good about it, I still have several of his texts, including when I asked him to start notifying and he agreed. Last time was just Jan 17 and Jan 20 - just a couple weeks ago.
DW's trips are about a week, and when she goes, I hit the store and byu stuff I want - some healthful, some junk for a treat. DW went on business 1/30, and that afternoon, these kids got out of school and went into the pantry, moved THEIR FOOD out of the way to get to the fun junk food portion of MY FOOD, ripped the boxes open, and TOOK HALF OF IT. Now, I won't starve or anything, but these kids do this EVERY TIME DW goes out of town. Not ALMOST every, but EVERY time. I texted, "Who took half of my food?"
*NO RESPONSE.*
So, *as I have been doing since June,* I locked all the doors. Yesterday morning, they managed to get in and stir up the dogs, so last night, I locked it all up pretty tight. They couldn't get in this morning. Really, all they were going to do was sit in the house about 10 minutes, then walk to the school bus stop. Nice weather, 50 degrees Fahrenheit, they had nothing they needed to do there except stare down the hallway at me in my underwear getting ready for work.
DW opened fire on me via text this morning for locking them out, said they "shouldn't have to text to ask to get into their own home" and all that emotional argument stuff, totally disregarding my needs or feelings in the matter. She wasn't even slightly interested in my side of the story... and I'm sure her little sweeties *forgot to mention* how they took my food without asking ahead of time (or 'fessing up and apologizing afterward).
Right about now, I'm so mad I just don't want to discuss it with her, but would LOVE to talk to her punky brats and say, "OK, how about this... I'll just come into your room and take *something that's special to you, without asking,* and let you just stew about it. After all, this is MY house, TOO." I won't but dang...
Clearly, I'm bottom of the Totem Pole. Or am I off base?
Just tell your wife to STFU
Just tell your wife to STFU when she complains. And keep those doors barricaded.
I started trying to defend
I started trying to defend myself, but bottom line, I decided facts are what I want to deal with, so I stopped responding, cooled off a little, then scrolled up the text messages (I keep them all) and crafted a draft message. I refuse to argue over something I know for a fact that she wouldn't tolerate from anyone, whether it was my kids or total strangers. There's no reason ANYONE should have to do this, it's total BS...
Who's paying the bills? You
Who's paying the bills? You or the kids? If it's you, guess what? Your house, your rules!
Our mortgage, my mortgage
Our mortgage, my mortgage payment +.
My (now adult) kids don't live with us, and as adults, are costing me nothing. I paid all the child support I'm ever going to pay, and her ex pays her $1000 a month for several more years. I got tired (and broke LOL) of buying groceries for all four of us, so she's doing that now. Surprise: She stopped inviting over the gaggle of kids when I was paying.
Texts to DW: "DW what? Did
Texts to DW:
"DW what? Did they stop by or something?" "I must have missed them I was in the shower and didn't know they had texted or rang the bell." "for future I will be sure to keep the door unlocked and wide open, only rule is you have to follow this as well!" "better yet i'm just going to remove the front door, let's see how this plays out...I'm kind of curious to see what happens!"
Texts to Skids:
"Hey don't want to alarm your or anything but my junk food you took I just got a recall on that stuff, turns out there was rat feces in it...hopefully you guys didn't eat any...they said the symptoms that you've been infected can take a few weeks or months until the symptoms start to show and then I guess you do downhill pretty quick." "anywho might want to let me know since there happens to be a shot they can give you first, but well unless you are up for a fun game of russian roulette" "cheers!"
LOL! Well, they didn't ring
LOL!
Well, they didn't ring the bell or knock or anything. They tried the door, then went to the bus stop. Then cried to mommie via text. I was LITERALLY in my underwear and was definitely not in any capacity to / had no desire to answer the door or have them milling about in the house while it's MY time to start my day. F_that noise...
DW even (inaccurately) said, "They come by every morning!" Uhh, nope... Only when they know she's here, then they barge into our bedroom and bump against the bed and start talking to her, waking us both up. When she's not here, the kids just sit out in the living room and mess with the dogs, get them barking and growling, then laugh and whoop it up as they leave. They may think it's cute, but it chafes my satchel pretty bad.
There's nothing wrong with
There's nothing wrong with your telling them "Your Mom isn't home now." And politely shutting the door. Repeat if needed.
Just like you'd tell a neighbor kid who wants to come visit little Jimmy when he's not at home.
If DW wants to let the kids
If DW wants to let the kids in every morning then she better change her job then and be there every day.
The 'their house' comment... yes, it is their home when their mother is there. But when their mother isn't there it is your castle. If DW has a problem with that, refer to the first paragraph.
Just tell the kids you are doing naked yoga in the morning for flexibility etc. So they might not want to call by when you are in the crouching dog position. It would annoy the CRAP out of me to have DHs kids bouncing around the bedroom in the morning. My grandchildren know to knock and ask if it is OK to come in.
Become a nudist! NAKED. ALL.
Become a nudist!
NAKED. ALL. THE. TIME.
When they walk in greet them and have a conversation. In that conversation mention how you rubbed all your snacks all over your body before you put them in the pantry.
It really isn't about being
It really isn't about being able to enter their own home. It's about being considerate.
They don't live in your home full-time, so I would counter your DW's words by saying it's NOT their "home" in the normal sense of the word. If she wants to raise them as polite, well-mannered people, she should encourage them to give notice when and what time they're coming over. Not just assume the door is unlocked all the time. I mean, what about security for goodness sake.
No, your wife is being unreasonable. She's enabling very bad behaviour, and these kids will grow up to be entitled, presumptuous assholes with zero social graces. She's not doing them any favours.
PS. Keep your food out of their reach!
Your wife wouldnt like how we
Your wife wouldnt like how we dealt with my SS when he was 18 and out of HS.
The deal was he could go to any university anywhere on our dime. He chose not to. So... he could live at home at zero cost to him.... if he worked a full time job. Nope. He didn't want to get a job. Since riding sofa rodeo on our furniture was not a career option we would support we turned him into our live in beck-and-call boy/chore bitch.
If he got his chore list done for the day.. he got to stay for the next day of chores. If not... he was left in front of the house until we got home from work and then he had to do the previous day's chores and the current day's chores before we went to bed or .... back on the curb when we left for work the next day.
If he was left on the curb there was no food, no water, nothing. He had no key.
To keep him focused on his chores we turned off the internet and cable TV every day as we left for work. SmartHouse is a wonderful thing. }:)
The longer he went without getting into school or a job, the longer his chore list got. After 4mos he enlisted in the USAF on the delayed entry program. He remained out beck-and-call boy until he reported for BMT 4 months after enlisting.
He has been in for nearly 7 years and is doing great. It was a closely run thing though. As his mom is fond of saying "His survival to adulthood was a day to day thing. Fortunately for him on the days I wanted to kill him his dad (Rags) was willing to give him one more day.. and vise versa. If we had ever landed on the strangle him square on the same day ... he would never have made it."
you go Junkie.... bolt that
you go Junkie.... bolt that door, if DW is not at home her kids does not need to be there.....
Now for the snots taking your food without asking, I have the perfect solution to end this, I only did it twice lol... SO still does not know how but his brat learned her lesson...
In future your snacks is in your room, locked away, but in the pantry you leave wonderful brownies ... laced with laxatives.... mark it clearly,
Java's brownies.... Java's Chocolate.... (we buy something called brooklax on Mars, it's a full slap chocolate, but makes you run)
I guarantee you skids will stop taking your stuff lol....
I like that.I will use it at
I like that.I will use it at some point.
(Right now I am imagining bm1 getting the runs...ooohhh...yuummmy!)
Oops now shedone it! Cara
Oops now shedone it!
Cara wanna play(insert maniacal laughter here)
Disclaimer-try at your own risk
Scenario:
Next time buy her something she wants to eat as a surprise(call it a junk food picnic). Make it things she likes that you know skids would take.
Let her eat it in bed
Tell her you will put it away
Take a pic of said thing in cupboard(to have proof u put it away properly)
Let the children in so they can eat it
When she starts yelling just say bye and go on your merry way to work
I get bored of only bolting doors all day!lol
These children have two
These children have two biological parents and any visitation is to the bio-parent. Currently, no bio parent related to these kids is present at your home, so what business do the kids have there? At all??
Your home is not a convenient pit stop, snack shack for people whose right to be in your home is contingent upon a relationship to someone else. That some one else is absent from the home and for all intents and purposes the kids should be too. Otherwise you are an active dumping ground for parents who have better things to do than look after or feed their OWN kids, yet feel free to cr@p on you.
Thanks, all. I think the part
Thanks, all.
I think the part that hurts is:
1. She took the word of her teen kids at face value without questioning them at all, such as “Did you ring the door bell?” or “What makes you think he LOCKED YOU OUT? Why do you feel like it was a personal affront?” I get it, her kids don’t lie - but they’re teens... and teens might not all lie, but they mostly all will “make a case” by exaggerating - or at the very least “safe-siding” their stories to gain some emotional support for their “cause” (which is what I’d call a form of manipulation, either benign or malicious).
2. She doesn’t trust me enough to automatically extend to me the benefit of a doubt, as I do for her. That hurts because I’ve always taken her word FIRST, and anyone else’s was where I’d ask for more info/clarification, etc.
Update, she said she was
Update, she said she was tired when she saw their text message and was frustrated because this always seems to happen when she's out of town and she can't be there "to keep the peace."
I told her there's not a lot of peace to have to keep, that it's really up to the adults to teach the kids to be considerate, digest situations without going "FULL-AUTO" mode in reaction, and be patient. I told her I'll be happy to support that if she'd like, or butt out if she'd prefer that - just LMK. So we're good... till next time they start emotionally manipulating?
Thing is, she jumped on me (said today that she wasn't mad, though the written word was pretty sharp in the texts) and blasted me for locking them out without giving me the benefit of a doubt. This wasn't the first time, but I was able to craft a nice email with screen shots to show her how we'd been doing this for 7 months now - and I'm sure she felt less than stellar for reacting how she did. I believe she also had a mother-son/daughter chat about it bc SS did text me this morning to say he'd be over. DW says we'll have a powwow when she get home and get the plan straight.
I promise myself this: I won't budge from expecting good manners and respect. They can dislike me all they want, but they will not treat me like a doormat. I learned at about 18 years of age, I could visit my brother's house, but it was HIS home, NOT MINE. I decided I wouldn't feel comfortable with him walking into my place unannounced, so I wasn't gonna doodat. My sister-in-law's brother didn't care and he continued to drop by unexpectedly and walk in without a knock or doorbell, like Lenny and Squiggy. That's just NO CLASS BEHAVIOR.
As I see it, when they're at their dad's, HIS house is their home; when they're with DW and me, OUR house is their home. When they're in College, their apartment or dorm is their home, and they'll, by golly, KNOCK.