You are here

Custodial Stepmom

HKmomof6's picture

I  discovered this site after searching downloadable divorce decrees on google. I decided to google therapy, and then eventually found this site. I'm honestly not sure where to start. I am hoping this "venting" will help, especially knowing real people read this stuff. I have 6 kids. Four "step" and two "ours." Bio mom is in and out of the picture. Goes months/sometimes years without communication. She's been on and off drugs, and has never lived and supported herself. She moves in from guy to guy. We've been married over 9 years and bio mom is on man number 7, give or take one or two. The last few years have been better than the first years. But, there is one thing we have never agreed on or been able to resolve. That is SD13. She's the youngest girl of the 6, and was the "baby" before he and I had our now 9 year old. She had just turned 3 when we got married. All 5 of the other kids and I have a wonderful relationship. The kids dont see themselves as "half" siblings. My older 4 call me by my first name, which is ok with me. So, SD13: let's call her "J". My husband favors her. All 5 of the other kids know it, his mom knows it, and J knows it. Everyone know it, except him. I think he knows it, but will not admit it. She is and always has been his favorite. When they were all little, she would get toys & gifts when the others wouldnt. She's always rubbed it in to her sibling's faces. She's never had to take responsibility for her actions. Dear husband always makes excuses or doesnt hold her accountable.  She used to be a hypochondriac. She's grown out of that, thank GOD! She is a liar.. probably could be diagnosed as pathological. She's always been a liar. Even for things that do not matter. DH's mom is wonderful. I love her more than my own parents. She, the other 5, and I don't understand why she does the things she does. I dont discipline her anymore. I will occassionaly tell DH something she did when he and her are both in the room. She will usually have some dramatic comment about how what she did wasnt wrong or why it was justified. I honestly feel that if she is faced with a decision of a good choice and wrong/evil/bad choice, she will choose the bad choice 9 out of 10 times. We can watch her do something wrong, and she will deny it. Some recent examples. She took SD17's apple airpods without asking/telling with her to school. SD17 asked J if she took them. J said no. So SD17 searched the "find my device" app on her phone and saw that they were at J's school. When SD17 confronted J about it, she laughed and said something to the extent of- I lied so I could figure out how to put them back in your room. She took SD17's Kendra Scott knecklace without asking/telling to her friends out. She left it there. A few days later, that necklace came up in conversation and J said someone stole it. She admitted to taking it to her friends house, but claims someone stole it once she was there. When asked how she knew someone stole it, she said that she took it off and set it on the ground by the hot-tub and forgot about. When she went back to get it, it was gone. That story may be true, but she refuses to acknowldge or admit that the necklace being gone was her responsibility or fault. There has been a recent influx of her "issues" lately. I know exactly why she does it. My husband and I had a major fight yesterday. Heres why. I was giving my youngest his bath and heard a commotion, so I came out of the bathroom to see what was going on. The 3 big kids were all hyper and giggley. Thats not out of the norm, but husband was aggivated/frustrated with them. I asked what was going on. Summary: J hit BS9 in the face with a flashlight and busted his lip. So, in the room its husband, me, and 3 big kids. Husband is telling me that the 3 big kids instigated trouble and it's their fault something happened. He gets on to them about not being serious and laughing. In walks J. She gets in on the laughing. So I say "J is laughing about it too." Husband doesnt say anything or look at J. She's right next to him, so he knows she is laughing. So, theres this awkward few seconds and I decide to go check on BS9. He is in another bathroom looking in the mirror and cleaning up the blood from his busted lip. So I get mad at this point. J's clothes are all over the ground in this bathroom. I had asked her earlier to pick them up. So I holler to her to come pick her stuff up. Then as shes walking up, I tell her nevermind, just wait since you don't know how to treat your brother. So she walks away. I then say, in an admittedly angry voice, did you even say sorry. She dramatically throws her hands in the air and says something like it was an accident. I tell her, even if it was an accident, she couldve said sorry. So then, she says sorry with a dramatic bratty attitude. I am more mad at this point. I tell her something about how that kind of apology doesnt mean anything and called her a brat in some manner. Oh boy, that's where things went south quick. Husband walks in to the hall where this conversation is happening and gets mad at me for the way I am handling the situation. Mind you, he never came to check on our son. The only reason he got up from where he was is because I was  yelling at J. I shouldve known better. So I begin telling him that shes not going to take accountabiliy for hurting her brother because he doesnt say anything to her. Then it turns into a very bad screaming arguement. Really bad. The only time we argue, its because of an issue with her. Everything else in our marriage works fine and well. Once I found out that the other kids and mother-in-law saw J's issues the same as I do/did, I felt less crazy about it. However, I just dont pick those battles much anymore. But when another kid gets hurt or there is a major consequence, I can't stop myself from trying to address the issue at hand.
I just dont understand it. Why is he like this with only her? He has 3 girls and 3 boys, yet, the world as we know it revolves around her. The other kids resent her sometimes because of it, and I resent her sometimes because of it. Anytime anything happens in her life, its always someelse's fault, and daddy is there to justify her perception. I just dont get it. Does anyone have a similar experience? Have you overcome it? One more example that I hope to let go of one day.... several years ago when our 9 yo was a little over 1 yo, he busted his head open. We only live a few blocks away from an ER, so we grab a cloth to hold against his head and jump in the car. Well, J was 4 or maybe 5 at the time. She obviously had to come with us. Well, I am in the driver seat, hubby is in the passanger seat holding our son, and just as J goes to get in the car, she decides she needs to go back in and get her purse . It was a toy purse. Hello kitty. I holler at her saying no, we have to go NOW. Well guess what? Husband encourages her to go get this dumb purse and gets mad at me for yelling at her about it. Our son's head it LITERALLY busted open, and we're waiting for J to get her toy. Just to clarify the severity of the situation, he ended up getting 7 stitches. How do I overcome the issue with hubby and J? Why doesn't he hold her accountable for her actions? It's always a second-turned-hundreth chance for her. Me and the others rarely get a second chance at anything. Why? Why her? Why do our other kids get the shaft? They're ALL SIX kids from him. Any help? ANy suggestions?

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

SO was like this with OSD, she could do no wrong. It only made things worse me, his mother YSD pointing out her bad behavior. So myself and his mother stopped. I started ignoring her existence completely. It was only a matter of time before precious princess turned on DD. In a year's time he finds it difficult to find anything to gush over, because trust me as they get older it only gets worse. Disengage now while you still have your sanity, make all her problems his problem. 

She hits DS with the flashlight, you tend to DS and let DH handle SD. You may not approve of the way he does but it's better to put your attention and energy into the other kids.

Kes's picture

I don't suppose it has occurred to your DH that he is ruining SD13's life with his behaviour?  He is turning her into a spoiled, super entitled brat whom everyone will hate, will have no friends, no-one will want to employ when she is older. It doesn't really matter why he is like this with her, probably guilt, or some dysfunction of his own only discoverable in therapy - but he needs to stop for HER own good. 

24 years as a SM's picture

SD39 (Leech) was like your SD, wait until she start telling your DH that the other kids are picking on her and your DH goes at the other kids. This happened with my SD around the same age, my DD was 2 years older than Leech. Leech would wait for DAH to come home from work and run out to meet him and tell him all the horrible things my DD or DS did to her. DAH would come in the house in a rage and start yelling at my kids. That didn't fly with me, and we would get into a huge screaming match, Leech would be standing behind DAH, where he couldn't see her, but she would have the biggest smirk on her face looking at me. DAH was a long haul trucker, after the third time of Leech doing this, my petite daughter waited for DAH to go back to work, and proceeded to beat the holy crap out of Leech. DD told Leech each time she lied to DAH and caused a fight, DD was going to beat her ass. I don't condone fighting, but it was the most pleasant time of my marriage, and it was funny to see a 5' 10" Leech, terrified of my 4' 11" DD. To this day, 20+ years later, Leech still will not cross words with DD41.

With your SD13 the only suggestion I can make is to disengage, do not do anything for her. spend time with the other kids and reward their relationship with you. Another suggestion is to not tell your DH that you are disengaging from SD, just stop doing everything for her. The clothes issue in the bathroom would piss me off, I would bag them up and throw them away, then play dumb as to where they went. If your DH asks, just say I don't know, maybe if Sd would keep her clothes picked up, she would know where they are, then walk away.

I am very snarky and do not have a filter when it come to Leech and DAH, I have dealt with StepHell for over 30 years, If DAH doesn't like what I say, then tough sh*t. My DAH has finally seen the light of what a a$$hole Leech is. He still tries to make excuses for her or talk to me about her, I just give him the stink-eye, and he shuts up.

By the way, DAH stands for Dumb A$$ Husband or Demented A$$hole Husband.