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Current spouse jealous of me talking to ex-spouse

Kellygirl6's picture

Hello everyone, I am new to this forum and need some help. I have been married for 4 years in a second marriage. I had a very bad divorce to my first husband and we had one child together. During the divorce, we obviously hated one another, but now have come to a common ground and are nice to one another. My son is currently 14 year old and at the age where my ex and I have to talk more freguently than before and now my current husband is having a fit that we talk more than twice a week. But in my defence, my son has ADHD, Asthma, and is also going through adolesents, so this warrants several conversations to discuss my son and the day to day issues. What should I do about my current spouses jealousy over my conversatons with my ex? HELP

Jason's picture

Wheeww!! Sounds stressful and frustrating. The only advice I could give is to take one day at a time and try to stay focused on your current marriage. I've been married to the same woman for 14 years, and we've had several ups/downs. I'm a stepfather to an adult 21yr old, and have been his dad figure since he was 5. It's been anything but a cakewalk. What I would propose you do, is explain objectively to your current husband that you are doing what's in your child's best interest and re-assure him that you really love him. Make your husband feel as though he's No. 1 in your life. This kind of situation could easily go awry if you're not sensitive enough to your current husband's needs. I've never been divorced, but I could see myself feeling a little uneasy about it, but if reassured by my wife, I'd feel better.

Anonymous's picture

I can see where he is coming from. My BF's ex calls daily and sometimes more than once a day. For things that I don't believe are necessary..."L is 1/2 hour late coming home", on my BF's weekends he never calls biomom and tells her L is late. He deals with it himself. I think she can't talk and complain to her current live in boyfriend, so she just keeps calling ex. It drives me crazy too, most of the time I don't say anything, but occasionally when the phone keeps ringing..I finally say 'what did she want this time'. She calls constantly when he has them on weekends, most of the time he agrees that the calls aren't necessary! Sometimes I think she does it to irritate me..she knows I'm around most of the time. Cut the calls down, tell your ex to make a list and talk about a lot of issues at one time so there aren't as many calls. But I do agree...he sounds like he has double standards. that would never go over with me!

debi's picture

your comment made me feel a lot better knowing I'm not the only one out there, the thing is ; he don't have children with his ex biologically. the children they share together are hers from another or should I say others. this is very hard for me i try to understand but it would be nice if he could see my point once in awhile.

Anne 8102's picture

...but several times a week does seem a little frequent to me. My husband has three children with his ex-wife and two of them have ADHD, plus one suffers from weekly migraines and the other is moderately mentally retarded. They have all sorts of issues, too, but unless there's an emergency, I would think you could each make a running list of things you need to discuss through the week and then pick one day per week to address those issues. Also, what about email? Could you two communicate via email? That way, your husband, if he wanted to read them, would see that there's nothing there between you. I'm not suggesting that there is anything untoward in your behavior or that you have any lingering feelings for your ex, but if the calls could be consolidated to once a week or replaced by emails, then that would probably be a huge stress-reliever for your husband. It would be a small thing to do to make him feel better about the situation and showing him that you would do this for him should go a long ways towards showing him he has no reason to be jealous.

~ Anne ~

Kellygirl6's picture


Your advice is helpful, but let me explain in more detail. My husband also has two children from a previous marriage. They are grown now, but when they were in the teen years, he wouldn't think twice about going to see them, out of town, and staying at their mother's house over night, and sleep on the couch. Of course I never was invited to so to the sleep overs, not that I would want to go, but never the less I never complained about him going and I completely trusted him to stay the night on his ex-wife's couch. I have even gone with him to see them and had to spend the day with his ex while he took the boys to play golf. Also to add, his ex would call here all the time and talk to him for 30 minutes at a time. I completely understood with no complaint. But now, they are moved out of their mother's house and his contact with the ex has terminated. Now, how is it that if I can be so comfortable with his situation, why can't he be with mine? Ya know, my ex and I have absolutely no feelings for each other other than being parents of our child. My current spouse has nothing to do with my son, so when I want to even brag on my son, it oonlky seems logical to call his bio dad. HELP

Anonymous's picture

son, yet stays the night over his ex's house? Ok, I don't want to be mean either, but I'm assuming your son lives there with you and your husband? I would never marry nor stay married to someone that ignored my child and didn't help raise my child.

The best advice I can give you is to get rid of this guy quick, and raise the bar in your selection of men, and most of all concentrate on your son.

Anonymous's picture

Troubling for you to be with someone in the first place that would refuse to have anything to do with your son. Not trying to be judgemental, I don't understand why a woman would stay with a man like that. (doesn't son live with you?) That would be the dealbreaker for me. So I can understand why you would be calling your x, but at the same time kellygirl I would tell hubby UNLESS he treats your son as his own its bye bye or you will be calling the only dad the poor kid has. Now if he was a dad also and treated him so I would put your guy first, because you don't want to mess up a good marriage. X's can equally call schools, dentists, doctors, and doesn't need you to relay those details. BUT your situation is difficult and I don't see a marriage as good if your husband ignores your son. I just wish I could be in your shoes for one day! He'd be Sh@$'in his pants after I was done with him!!!

septembers_child's picture

Well, my take is different. Until my ex husband remarried he and I remained very close friends and family..When he would come to pick up our daughter for visitation (two states away) he always stayed the night at our house on the couch..As long as my current DH was home..Their were a few times that current DH was deployed (Army) and then of course ex husband would stay over night in a hotel..because that's just the appropriate and respectful thing to do. Wasn't and issue for me or my current husband.

Talking on the phone.. I see nothing wrong with talking on the phone a few times a week about your child at all..Just because you two are divorced and remarried doesn't mean that you have stopped co parenting your child and your current spouse has not right or position to attempt to dictate to you how often you can have contact with your ex spouse about the child that you share and co parent.. That doesn't end just because you divorce and remarry..and remarry to an insecure and jealous person..

Sounds to me like it's your current spouses issue..Not yours. And I would tell them exactly that. Being both a SM and A BM..I know first hand what my daughters SM did to my relationship with their father and their relationship with their father because she was jealous and insecure..She straight ruined it..The girls have nothing to do with their father and neither do I for the past 2 years..Our divorce did not destroy our family. His current wife destoryed our family..

Step parents who enter into a marriage with a person who is friends or gets along with their ex and try to dictate to their spouse how often they can talk to their ex aboout the kids and trys to ruin the friendship between the BIO parents is just the height of selfish. It is just wrong wrong wrong in my opinion.

If would tell him to grow up and that his insecurities and jealousies are his issues to fix, NOT YOURS...

Anonymous's picture

I agree that there has to be some communication between ex's concerning the children, pickups, etc. but you also have to understand his new wife understandably didn't want her husband talking to his ex every week. I can see both sides, but when he got married it may have been time to minimize that on both parts. As for the sm, she will be parenting the children and probably more then dh in their home. Personally I think that the sm's do more parenting then the dh's and maybe your daughters have resentments because dad remarried and resent her new role. I think a lot of it is boundaries, more so then jealousy and divorce is about cutting the ties and moving on. I see more successes when each co parents in their own home, and if thats what your dh has chosen then thats ok. You and your husband are the parents in your home, and sometimes it works best that way when all can't get along, or no longer want that relationship. It depends on the players involved but that is another aspect that can work and doesn't intrude on each others household.

brandy523's picture

Do you think it's wrong to make your hubby stand up to ex who uses and abuses him for everything? She takes his daughter and her sister away if she wants him to do something and he doesn't do it. I believe he needs to grow a set and set boundaries. Even if in the short term things will be more difficult. The ex needs to know she has no control over what he does in his life now.
I just think there are circumstances where "dictating" things between your spouse and their ex are not only warrented but needed.This has nothing to do with jealousy or insecurities for me, it just makes me furious that she calls and need to pay for P & M's softball....I need check now...Only thng is M is a child she cheated on him to have-not his child...why does he have to pay for her too? But she will take both girls away if he doesn't do it. I say make a stand. No more..

Anonymous's picture

Maybe he's uncomfortable with your contact with your ex because he knows what went down when he stayed "on the couch" with HIS ex.

Sweatheart's picture

Seems like you need to make a list, as Anne suggested, and make a point to at least try to minimize the contact. You and your husband NEED to maintain a united front. If your husband disagrees with the amount of communication going on, than you need to try to fix it. There really is no reason to have to talk that often. make a plan and stick to it, for your marriage's sake. Make sure you keep an open communication with your husband about his feelings & make sure you are showing him with your actions that he is your priority.

starla's picture

My husband's x calls him when she knows he is at work. I saw the phone bill and they talked pretty often. It hurt me really bad. I confronted him about it and he said "I will talk to my x anytime I feel the need to and I don't need your good graces" this hurt me really bad. He said she is the mother of my child and I need to talk to her to see how my daughter is doing during the day at school, if she had a good day or a bad day" I said " You can ask your daughter how she did that day she is almost 13 years old. He said there will be times when I have to discuss things with her about our daughter" I said " Yes, I understand but there is no need to talk to her as much as you do. I can understand if there is an emergency or something like that but not almost everday" He again said that he will talk to her and whoever doesn't like it too bad" I have been married 5 months now and I am so insecure I can barely handle this. He does not make me feel secure by telling me the things he does. She (the x) Hates me and she has the daughter hating me. The daughter is finally starting to come around and treating me nicer. My husband let's her get away with murder because he said he is scared his daughter won't love him. The x will call and tell my husband what he did or did not do right when his daughter was with us. It is so sickening to see how he acts with her. He is like a child.I need help I cry all the time

melis070179's picture

Wow, no offense, but your husband sounds like a jerk! I would put my foot down, tell him to limit his contact with the BM to once a week, unless there is an emergency, and he can talk to his daughter to find out information about her. He should go straight to his daughter considering her age. I would tell him he needs to put his current wife's feelings above his ex-wife's, or his current wife is going to turn into an ex-wife! Do you have an ex-husband? Would it bother him if you talked to him everyday? If so, start doing it!

anon girl's picture

Tell him she can call the home but only in an emergency, 13 is too old and he can talk to his daughter NOT the ex unless it is an emergency. Sorry but there is more going on here, and often men use the kids as an excuse to keep the relationship with the ex. He may be keeping her on the back burner for some reason, but if he refuses I would tell him you won't stay married, and will start dating since apparently he has someone on the side. Don't be insecure, be firm otherwise he'll continue to have a gf on the side.

I have a similair situatiion!My husbands ex. would always call when i wasn't around!He has one child with her and me and him have two children together!See in the past he was always going to her about our problems he says he was just going threw alot,me and him were having alot of problems!I would find text messeges from her that I was not happy with!I had found out that he had asked her back!He of course denied It but I didn't believe him!I later found out it was true!So we split and are now together again,He says he's changed and doesn't have feelings for her!It's been seven months and I still can't get over It but I feel like us being together is best for the Children who are still very young Chloe 2yrs and Emma 9mo.!HELP!

Janice (at work)'s picture

In MY defense also, raising children is hard. Raising children from divorced families is harder. Raising children in broken homes where there is no communication between both bio's is next to impossible.....

Please continue to keep the lines of communication with your ex open. As long as your reasons relate only to your child, you have every right to talk with your son's dad. 14 is a VERY VERY impressionable age. With open communication, you can only benefit from creating a united front. Children can be very munipulative. Your son could pull the 'ol "Well, mom says its okay" and your ex would never know unless you speak to him....

My second husband always got involved with my son from previous marriage. Therefore, since he knew I loved only him, he was always okay with talking with my son's Dad. Knowing it could only benefit my son, and loving him as much as he did, he accepted it with a lot of class and a huge amount of humility......

Now, if he didn't cheat on ME so often, we might still be together....LOL!


Maybe you could bring your current husband up to speed on all the talks regarding your son. Ask HIS advice, keep him informed and feeling important in all aspects. He may come around.....

Angel's picture

hi!Not to be mean or anything but I don't see all this spending the night at ex's ok at all and I agree the talking several times a week is not a neccessity and would bother me as well.Email is a great thiung and keeps down alot of arguments with my fiances ex,of course she is always wanting to argue and disagree on the tiniest of things.Calls and harrasses us etc...

happy's picture

I can relate to your husbands feelings.. Totally.. I am that person.. Just the woman side of it.. My husband too got annoyed with how I told him I felt.. SHe used to call at least once a day.. ANd I would say to him why in the hell does she have to call so much.. Everyday.. C'mon I am not stupid as I have my own kids.. I only talk to my ex every other week on Thursday night about what time I am to drop off my kids to him.. Other then that we do not talk.. I feel this way, I wanted to be divorced so there are certain things that come with that.. I do not call him about problems we may run into at my house just because we are no longer together.. I do not need to call him when my kids get mouthy or do something horrible.. I take full responsibility when they are with me... Its my job.. My husband now his ex calls when the SD and her have a argument at her house in hopes that he will jump into his truck and run over there.. But its never worked and he finally listened to me and told her that she needs to deal with things at her house.. To me I think its very strange to call all the time. So I am just saying that you need to include him 100% because this will continuously be an issue... He needs to feel like he is more important then your ex.. You can reassure him that there is nothing there.. I know that if I was or had to talk to my ex everyother day or twice a week my husband would not like it but I do not have too and would not do it.. I kinda feel like I choose to be a single parent and on the day to day stuff I do not need him I can deal with things without him.. That was a choice I made when I said I want a divorce.. yes he will always be there father but I don't need him.. for anything..

Tell him when you talk and what about.. Let him be there at times if he is not.. Its just about making him feel included is all it is.. I know for me I just want to know.. The other thing is try to put yourself in his shoes.. How would you feel if the rolls were reversed?
Good luck, I am sure its not a picnic being where you are either.. So sorry for that.. Just trying to give you a little insight on where I sit.. Because its the same place he is sitting at times..

lovin-life's picture

Does he have a problem with it becasue he's insecure, in some way?

In my case we know exactly where we each stand with our former partners.....and where we stand with each we have no issues with how much or how little communication goes on.

Maybe a little re-assurance would help, especially if your relationship with your former partner has "warmed up" recently, compared to what it was. Smile


I just skimmed through and read your second post...
I don't want to sound mean either...but...
What's up with the double standard? I mean, He can have a sleep-over with his X but has issues with you talking with your x twice a week. hhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm

You guys need to get some equal footing here! Smile

Janet's picture

sabatoge my new marriage over an ex. Just my opinion but he's already let you know its a big problem so why do it. Discuss child issue's with your new husband. I see little reason to communicate with your ex, and I'm afraid your setting yourself up for failure. I can't blame your husband for being upset.

happy mom's picture

natural that your husband feels that way, i use to be that way too. i think you need to reassure him that your conversation is strictly about your son's issues and that's it. ask him if he would like to be informed as to what your conversation is all the time and if that helps him know what's going on. i think he just needs to be reassured that you love him and that you wouldn't leave him to get back to ex husband. i would also cut down the conversation if possible.

-happy mom

BIOMOM's picture

Communicating with an ex about a child is one thing....SLEEPING at the ex's house is OUT OF LINE!! I am only a biomom, no steps. However, I would be more than a little pi$$ed if my current husband SLEPT at his ex's house!!! Irate would be the word I would use to describe it...yeah....IRATE!!!! I would NEVER allow my ex to sleep over, even if he drove a million miles to get my son home! I have to tell you that my ex is a "social butterfly", and has a hard time finding his way home from the corner deli. I always feel sorry for his wife. If he came to drop off our son, he would chit-chat for hours had I not shipped him out the door!!!

And how can your husband be so judgemental of your communication with ex when you have had to endure much much more than talking.

I still say that speaking with your child's father is necessary in raising a well-adjusted child. Well, as well adjusted as he could be coming from our lifestyle's. I think the stepmom's and stepdad's would agree with me on this:

1) Be sure to consult your husband with current issues regarding your son. After all, he is a parental figure.

2) In speaking with ex, don't sneak around. It only makes it look worse and get your spouse concerned with your hiding the fact that your talking with ex.

3) Keep your conversations to the point, leaving no room for personal or intimate details unrelated to the child.... And by intimate I don't mean sex! LOL! I just mean that my son's stepmom said it drives her crazy when my ex and I are on the telephone and my ex laughs at something I say. It always makes her feel as though he's having a "good time" with me. It leaves her wondering if he thinks I'm the person he fell in love with. FYI.... I'm not that person! I am now and forever the bitch I turned into when he and I divorced. I don't want him back, nor does he want me. Being the ex I can tell you that I can see the obvious "dislike" he has for me today. Every time he looks at me, which is so rarely, the eyes say it all..... If anything, when face to face, there is an uncomfortability.

4) Make sure that your husband knows that his opinions, input and ideas are first and foremost the ones you consider.

5) While I do believe that communication among ALL of you would be ideal, that is not always possible. But in any case, speaking with an ex everyday is a bit excessive. Actually, its extremely excessive. I mean, no one could possibly have an issue everyday, can they? Unless we are talking an incurable illness of course. Other than that, once or twice a week is plenty. I can actually remember writing a list and leaving it by the telephone. That way if either of us made the call to the other, I had a rundown of things I needed to find out or ask him. No stammering, pausing, and very little time for chit chat between subjects. Bing, bang, boom. Get to the point(s) and sign out.

BTW, when ex and I divorced, internet was nothing but a glint in Bill Gate's four-eyes! LOL!


Christy Lee's picture

I have read a lot on here about the jealousy issues.The reasons for calls etc.I just wondered if anyone here went through what i have endured the last 4 years of my married life.
My husband was telling me the son of 14 was having issues at his mothers.She is Bipolar as well.She calls my husband on a daily basis and it's not always about the son issue.They are silly things.She uses his name in the sentence and it's really about him the whole while.Mostly this woman(mother) calls and dictates to my husband does and don't.Mostly the visitation is cancelled due to the sons will for his homework.So daddy will not be getting him on daddys weekend.The fact my husband agrees with her is beyond my comprehension.That is his son and he should be picking him up as the court ordered it and he can bring his homework with him.
The worst of this matter was when they decided to have dinner over conversation of sending their son to live in our home.I was at work when they did this one.Never knew it took place until one day it slipped out of his mouth.It took me months to ask him again and be honest with me,he lied again ,it never happened.I took the papers i found with his old divorce papers and handed it to him.Here,I know what you did so don't lie to me anymore.
It is this kind of thing I have listened to for 4 years now.Oh my husband does not like me calling him on anything because he has lied about the issue (other things he has done).
I can't understand why he'd want to lie and sneak around.This woman has called and interrupted our meals to ask her son what deodorant he wanted her to buy,she was at the store at the time.she was carrying on so goofy.I put my dinner plate in the sink and walked off.
I am at the point that i am laying out ground rule.Oh! the exchange never took place.i told my husband it is her or me.If he takes his son over the agreement they made without my involvement at all I will leave him.
The agreement was he was paying her child support and he will take the child.I will be raising the child teen myself because we both worked at the time.I was home in the mornings and it would be myself getting this child out of bed.They do think he is bipolar and he is adhd.Them doing this would have put this bipolar woman in my home.Yeah! she would keep custody too.This is putting me in a odd place.My position was she can shut up or give him up.She had such a problem with this child herself then she can't do the job.This child has never posed an issue here.I knew he had issues with getting himself out of bed in the morning.
I feel my husband has respect for the ex-wife and no concern or respect for me.They went and made all these plans and stood me out in the rain getting soaked.He is so ignorant to go along with her on it.It has absolutly made me lose all my feelings for him.
Sometimes I think he intentionally makes sure I am excluded of things.He tries to manipulate things. I have also wondered if he too was bipolar.I know he has bout of depression.
So.. what do ya do?I am tired of the x and her goofy ways.She has remained single for the last 12 years she has not remarried.She dates this guy now 3 years.She will not marry him she told her son because it doesn't feel right.Well she was going to marry him 2 1/2 years ago when she dated him 3 times,she went house hunting and all that took her son with her.By the way my husband never knew she was bipolar until she had the breakdown 2 years into the marriage.It was after the birth of the child.I am sure she stopped her meds while she was pregnant.
Help!Anyone have this kind of goofy life?

Anonymous's picture

Are you really willing to screw up a 2nd marriage because you feel you MUST talk to your ex. Your husband is seriously letting you know its causing problems, and believe me if you do not stop he will have long term resentments toward you. Or possibly start an affair. Cut the tie's, and yes discuss any issue's or problems with him. He's the one your going to spend your life with, hopefully.

lil_teapot's picture

Thank you so much for saying that. As I read this post, I could see myself in it and its so nice to see someone actually gets exactly how I feel! Thank you thank you thank you!!!

BIOMOM's picture

I am curious here. How do you raise a child and NOT speak to the other parent? I mean, really, think about it from your "other" side.
I try to, I hope you all know that..... I have remained open minded on the subject of steps vs bio's and have learned a great deal from every post in here.

However, while I do understand that stepmom's have a problem with their husband communicating with his ex (it's all over these boards), try to put yourself in your shoes. Yes, YOUR shoes. Let's say your husband's ex was completely banned from speaking with him. So there's no communication whatsoever? Then isn't bio mom the bitch because she doesn't let your stepchild(ren)'s father know anything about what is going on. You blame bio when the child is not doing well in school, yet without support from biodad, how can you complain. Bio is left to take care of all concerns, worries, complaints, joys and sorrows..... Cannot ask ex to share in anything regarding his child? Then it's her fault that the child is a "brat" or worse.

We can all take lessons from Dawn on this site. She and her husband communicate with bio. They have custody, yet ALWAYS find a way to communicate with bio....

Think about it.... It is not easy for me to call my son's dad, knowing that his stepmom does not care for me. But MY SON comes first. That includes ex's feelings or that of his wife. I'll be damned if I'll be blamed for everything your stepbrat does because I "DON'T TELL YOUR HUSBAND ANYTHING".....

So, I stand by original post. Communication between BOTH bios and all steps should be and remain open...always. It is for the child that we are all here, right?


Anonymous's picture

I've seen many people do it. They choose to raise the children with their new spouse for many reasons. (for the many problems/constant turmoil posted on this board) They let the ex raise them when their at their house. Actually its pretty simple and those that choose to do it that way realize they want to have a good marriage that will last. They also decide their not going to let their ex destroy their new life. I would rather raise my child with the husband I'm with as opposed to an ex, and many do just that.

BIOMOM's picture

I don't think that anyone should be able to "choose" someone else to raise a child that has two active biological parents that are interested in their children.....

When remarried, hopefully you "choose" someone who will aide in the raising of your child, of course. Because I remarry, it does not give me the right to hand over parental responsibilities to my spouse just because I don't want to deal with my ex. Regardless of how my new husband may welcome the idea, my son has a father. A father that loves him and wants to be part of his life.

So, my question is this: When you and your spouse decide to have a child, you do it with the intention (in most cases, anyway?) to raise that child together.

After a period of time, you divorce. Does that give you the right to erase the father out of his child's life because you remarried and have decided that your new spouse should raise your ex's child?Regardless of how the CHILD feels?

Because you don't want to ruin your new marriage? I mean, I think that most men that have remarried and have presented their children with stepmom's, understood that they were marrying someone willing to take on that child as part of their life. Who deems your NEW husband more qualified to raise your ex's child? YOU? How fair is that to the man who fathered this child? Unless your divorce is that bitter and the hate and revenge that you need to put on your ex far outweighs the best interest in the child, go for it.

The women here see first hand what their husbands go through. Not being a father 24/7 has hurt them deeply. The guilt they live with, and the parental skills they use because of that guilt.

And when a bio goes on the warpath, and she decides to punish the child's father, the ladies here constantly share how devestated their husband's are. And you are suggesting that if you remarry, you will take the consideration of your new husband over what is right for the child?

I would never suggest that anyone take an ex's side over their spouse's feeling. I think part of the problem is that the steps spouse does not go to bat enough for them.

I am suggesting that taking the parental rights away from a father just because you have decided you have married someone more qualified is just disgusting.....



PS: The women are here, not because they want to take the child(ren) AWAY from the bio, they are here to share their experience, strength and hope.

Of course, we do have circumstances where the steps HAVE taken on the full parental role, (bio is nuts, unfit, etc.). But those reasons are justified.....

BTW, if you don't mind me asking you, what is your age and status?

Anonymous's picture

It doesn't give you the right to hold visitation from your ex. BUT
you do have the right to raise your child with your spouse and not your X. I know because we did it too, hey sorry it offends you but our children are grown and were happily married. I've seen very few divorces where the divorced parents really raise them "together". If it works great, by far it doesn't. If there turmoil and problems with a X than time to make a new plan. Find what works best imo.

AKC Mom's picture

Totally agree. My husband is my partner in marriage and in the raising of our children. Our x's were history long ago, but we worked together instead of against each other. My take is a lot don't do that which is doom for a good mariage.

Anonymous's picture

Would be sheer heaven if the BM never called! I couldn't care less about their "concerns, worries, complaints, joys and sorrows." What does "full custody" mean afterall? Who gives a crap if she tells us anything - SHE'S the one raising them and screwing them up so why bother disturbing our lives with the mess SHE has created?!?

Sweatheart's picture

I am also a bio mom. My ex and I communicate mostly through email, and our communications are strictly proffesional and only when neccessary. (We have three children together) I don't want him disrupting my time with the children, and he would not want me to either. There is a huge difference between open, effective communication and excessive calling. Somewhere there is a happy medium, BUT the bottom line is, you and your current spouse need to maintain a united front, or your marriage will fail-and this would be very bad for the children if the marrige failed-right? My 3 children are all almost grown up and out of the house, and have turned out to be very happy, well adjusted children who get good grades, have friends, etc.., so I think I must be doing something right.

That's just my two cents if anyone is interested.

hopeful's picture

I agree with your post completely. I do understand that it is difficult to have an ex in your life, especially when it is not your own. But it is the reality and the ex doesn't go away as children grow up. You or husband may not have to interact with her as much, but she will be around for all special events (just like a wart when you least want it to show) but that is life.

OldTimer's picture

when the 'other' is calling you quite alot, it's a form of attachment and dependency that never got dealt with or handled... no closer. It's totally an insecure thing. I see this alot and often it's because the one that is doing all the initial calling is very insecure, undecisive, and wants to keep their attachment in whatever form they can get to the ex, whether it be friend, foe or whatever. Sadly, it sometimes warrants feelings that they need to be 'rescued' from a situation and some spouses actually get a charge out of this... not always the case, but some do. And not all ex's post-marriage relationships are due to this attachment either...some are very confident and can manage very well to get along.

My SS's BM used to call ALOT, but that's because she was just always charged about something, and she is pretty mental in the head. It was sort of an addiction to her.... drama, drama, drama. If there wasn't enought drama going on at the time, she would creat it. It used to irriate me. But now, I don't care. Whatever. I realized that after all, they are divorced and there is no looking back... he loves me, and he made a major step toward stating that by marrying me. That says alot because he went through such a horrible divorce that he vowed he won't ever do it again... almost. Took him 5 years to finally ask me.

So, my suggestion is to make sure that you reassure your spouse you love him, and get him involved in the process too. He may be feeling alittle left out of the picture and alittle insecure about where his place is. Some things can and should be left to be handled by the other party at the other house.

Sweatheart's picture

"when the 'other' is calling you quite alot, it's a form of attachment and dependency that never got dealt with or handled..."

ari's picture

After reading some of these posts it has been helpful to see the step parents' point of view. I just recently married, and my spouse gets paranoid if my ex bring my son home or drops off a child support check when he is not around. I've been divorced ten years and married only three months. The past with my ex has been very rocky, and I just try to keep the peace for my son's benefit. should I go so far as to insist that the child support check be mailed to me so my ex has fewer opportunities to have contact with me. I really have no desire to see him. He shows up randomly to drop off checks, then is unreliable as to the exact time he brings my son home. My new husband gets paranoid and thinks I still have some sort of inappropriate contact. I have gone so far as to insist my ex make all arrangements through my husband, and for my ex to only have my husband's cell number. what can I do to get my current husband to feel more at ease and trustful?

Anne 8102's picture

Have your ex drop the check in the mailbox, if he doesn't want to actually mail it. He doesn't have to put it in your hand personally. Or do what we did and have him pay it through the state. I go online once a month, make the payment to the Division of Child Support Enforcement, and they cut her a check. We don't have to deal with her at all when it comes to the CS payment. Plus, for me, the Current Mrs. Asshole, it sure beats the hell out of writing a check for $800 every month to the Former Mrs. Asshole. Boy, did that hurt. Somehow it's easier paying it to DCSE, it feels more like it's going to the kids.

Otherwise, I think you just have to keep reminding him until he gets it that you have been divorced for TEN LONG YEARS. If you wanted him back, you had plenty of time to go for it before you married your husband. This might not work if your husband gets overly-sensitive, but I always tell my husband, "Honey, you're the best husband I've ever had!" It's all tongue-in-cheek and he can relate, because he had as miserable a first marriage as I did. There's probably nothing you can say, but just keep showing him that he's IT for you and eventually he should get the picture. A couple of gripes about the ex every now and then probably wouldn't hurt. We both consider our first marriages "practice" or "trial" marriages and this one is the real deal.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

Anonymous's picture

I like the cell idea. You could even tell ex that its also your phone and as for dropping by, you could pick up your child and bring him home yourselves. We did that so the ex would never be at our house and we did it together. Your already taking steps to minamize contact so your husband will no doubt have a lot of respect and trust for you. More should follow your lead imo!

Anonymous's picture

I am not sure about all this. I am a SD to two kids (full time) I am also BD to one (every other week visitation). I am married 2 years my problem is this. The bio dad calls the kids every day, but he also talks to mom, every day. now from the conversations that I hear they are RARELY only about the kids. He is on the phone for about 2 min for each child than 5-10 min with mom. He also calls her at work. He discusses his bad relationship with his live in GF, as to how she is a bad cook , how they are not getting along and do not have sex anymore, how she is a mental case. When he calls he asks questions like what she is doing for the evening, how are the fund raisers for her relay for life doing?He comments about his job, how much work he needs to do to his broken down truck. We were out to dinner and he called telling mom how bad his GF is treating the kids and can she pick them up early,(he has them 2 days a month) they were on the phone about 15 min. Oh and by the way he never calls from his house he will call from work or his moms or sisters. By that I take it that his GF does not approve of the calls either. So how would you feel about spouses ex`s calls like that every day? She tells me she wants to remain friends with her ex for the kids sake.

septembers_child's picture

Okay now...As I said myself and my ex husband were friends ect..He always talked to me when he called to talk to our daughters which was typically once a week..And he also talked to my current DH when he called too because they were friends..I personally see NOTHING wrong with that..I also see nothing wrong with your wifes ex talking about work he needs to do on his car..Asking about the relay for life..Those are GENERAL topics..

When my ex husband and I spoke on the phone we discussed the kids, his family (whom I am still a very active member of), my family, mutual friends and general life stuff. For instance, he would ask me how my college classes are going? I would ask him how the new job is going ect. We just generally discussed and updated each other on the GENERALS of one anothers lifes, families, or mutual friends. Again, I see nothing wrong with that AT ALL.

I also see nothing wrong with him calling to talk to the kids daily. I WOULD..Heck I did! When my daughters were gone for the summer to visit their dad or Grandma I called them every day. But I didn't talk to my ex husband every day.

To discuss details of their new relationships or complain about their new significant other to their ex is way inappropriate! My ex and I NEVER "went there" with each other! In fact, he is the last person on this earth I would discuss that with! If I was you I wouldn't be cool with my spouses ex calling every day to talk to him, especially about his current intimate relationship!

jayne's picture

my partner has a daughter and a stepson and we see them every weekend but i cant trust or believe a word my partner says because they in contact everyday and when hes at work i hear from him on breaks but they text whilst he working and when we see her we never seem to have alove life on that day

even she texts very early hours in the morning and he wont go on msn on the computer he has to do it on the phone

i have so many doubts and we spoken about this so much and he said he loves me well even in public we dont hold hands hardly he always infront of me and at his ex he wont show love infront of her unless she has someone else

desperateinalabama's picture

I think that several times a week is too much also. I think EX should be able to handle some things on his own. I think you should include DH on matters if they happen in your home instead of called EX. It is okay to be friends, but the line needs to be drawn somewhere.

jock dad's picture

At last I find something that has been useful to me. It seems that there are many different and varied opinions out there depending somewhat on whether children are in involved or not, and on the ages of the children. I have a specific problem that doesn’t seem to have been addressed here as of yet. I have been divorced for 2 years and separated for three, after being married for 10 years to someone who I had basically no relationship with whatsoever for five years. I have two kids who are now age 11 and 8 who stay with me and my fiancé the same 31/2 days every week. We have been engaged for a year and have recently bought our dream house together. The problem I am having, which just will not go away is that my ex will not leave us alone. She contacts us each and every day whether the kids are with us or not, and without fail it is for something completely trivial which could have waited until she saw them again within a couple of days. The main problem lies in that both kids play sports which one or the other is involved in pretty much every day of the week. The calls are usually made on the premise of “where is so an so playing tonight” or “what time are they playing” or “are you going to remember to pick up so and so from school/practice tonight”. Not only is this driving me insane, it has become such a major issue that my fiancé and I are now having serious problems in our relationship. I have always tried to put my fiancé first in everything at all times but this constant contact is beginning to drive us apart. I am more than willing to spend less time with the kids to save my relationship with my fiancé as I realize that this is the primary relationship in my life and the one which I cherish the most, and hope to have for the longest. I am at my wits end and other than taking a hit out on my ex (joking!) who we both actually get along with ok, or having absolutely no contact with at all, I don’t know what to do.

been there's picture

Your ex is accomplishing exactly what she set out to do. Break you both up and cause trouble, but I'm afraid most of the blame is on you for allowing it. You really need to decide, Do you want to sacrifice your future and happiness over a ex that seems to think she is tied to you, or do you want to get rid of her and be happy?

As for the sports, thats not an excuse. Enroll your children in something close to your home and don't involve the ex or if need be just let them do the sports by her home and don't attend. Find things that you and financee can do with the kids (minus ex) Immediately start the process, and for goodness sake change your numbers and only give your ex a cell phone. Don't answer it and monitor the messages. Start telling your ex to NOT call unless its a dire emergency. Start there and let your financee know she comes first and ex will soon be out of the picture. Move further away if need be, and above all make sure you do not allow your ex to drop by. Just because you have children with her does not mean you are tied to her, time to tell her to stop!

MamaJenn24's picture

I am definitely in agreement that this REEKS of DOUBLE STANDARD! How do you think your son feels that his SF doesn't pay him any attention? In my book it doesn't seem right. What a raw deal for your son. That must make your son feel really good about himself...NOT!

If I were in this situation, I would want to have a sit down with my DH and lay everything out on the table and I mean everything. This way there would be no doubt about ANYTHING. If he didn't want to be open with me on this subject, especially about sleeping at the ex's house, I would have to do some serious thinking as to whether I could live with that type of hypocrisy. Maybe there is something he's not telling you? For me, that alone raises a red flag and maybe he's defensive because he's not being comepletely honest with you and what he does when he sleeps on his ex's couch? I'm not trying to stir things up or make you feel bad by suggesting the above, but I'm just putting it out there.

I don't mind my ex coming over and helping with pumpkin carving at Halloween or making Christmas cookies or dying Easter eggs, but I divorced him for a reason and I would never entertain the idea of allowing him to sleep on my couch in a million years. I'm a single mother and I don't have a BF or a DH, but even if I did, I still wouldn't let him stay on my couch. Ever. He and I are on good terms, but not that good!

Ultimately you'll have to figure this out for yourself, but from the responses from above, and hopefully your gut, you can hopefully see in your own way that there is a double standard going on. At the very least, maybe you can borrow Cruella's frying pan and add to the dents?

Be well and take good care of number one: YOU!

Hanny's picture

is it seems unfair that he was able to have as much contact with his ex when his kids were young, and now you can't. But I also agree with some of the others that most of these phone calls are not necessary. My counselor says that the older the kids get, the LESS contact there has to be. Because the kids can inform each parent of schedules and things going on in their life. Also gives the kids some responsibility. My BF talks to his ex probably daily, if not more. And my counselor calls it "emotional enmeshment". IN other words they are still connected to each other emotionally. And yes, it is usually the one doing the calling that has the problem. But also the other parent can enjoy these calls, so he/she doesn't put a stop to them. My BF's ex doesn't call when her live in boyfriend is around and if my BF calls her when the boyfriend is around, you can certainly tell he's there. Then everything is ALL Business! But of coruse, he doesn't think it's a real problem. And since I don't live with him, and he does turn off his cell when we are together, I don't have to deal with it and it's his business. But I suspect there are a lot more calls than I'm aware of! Counselor also says that until he can be completely 'out' of that relationship, he cannot be 'completely' committed to another. And I certainly believe this.


Bonus Wife's picture

I am a biomom and a stepmom. To me, a successful divorce is one where we allow the ex-spouse to get on with their lives and where we all have a relationship with the kids, independent of our exes.

I have a great relationship with my ex. He's remarried and I respect their union as they respect mine. We talk rarely. Our daughter who is 13 can easily call her dad herself to remind him of this or that...they don't need me to be "liasion" anymore. If I ever have to discuss something like what they have in mind for a birthday gift, I call "Their Home" not his private cell. We've been happily divorced for 8 years.

However, my husband's ex calls him also at work, keeps him on the phone for 30 - 72 minutes at a clip if he lets her talking about the kids and then her job, etc., etc. She still wants to have "the family" together on any occasion she can muster up. (Sorry all bio moms, but me as your kid's stepmom am not an extension of your family like a daughter in-law would be and so I don't want to be included in your family celebrations with my husband (Your Ex-husband.) We want our own celebrations.)

I truly am not jealous or insecure of this woman...but territorial. He's my husband now, and I don't want ANY woman using my husband for "moral" support or whatever she is doing.

When you divorce, you both may still be the "bio" parents but you are entitled to raise the child "separately" in two homes. There is not one family anymore for that child. My husband and I refer to his 3 kids and my 1 kids as "our kids" - "our" family regardless who gave birth to them or who fathered them.

Sorry to vent but I think it's very simple...Exspouse - Excommunicate. What's there to say to exspouses anyway? If anyone wants a happy second marriage, you have to leave the other spouse emotionally.

Even if we are seeking "parenting" advice from the other one...aren't we all going to really do what we want in our own houses? Lot of exes just can't let go and use their child as an excuse to hang on or to bust their exspouses and stepparents chops. That's my impression.

When it's time for major decisions (college,wedding)I think we'll have both bio parents and both stepparents sit down together. The original bio parents aren't the only two parents involved in our kids lives anymore. (Am I making sense?)

cmulder's picture

This looks like an older post but I love what you have to say. I agree with you totally and think that it is important to respect boundaries. I'm not sure if it is best to communicate with an ex via email or text messages. What do you think?

PinkPixie's picture

When I got married, I was very uncomfortable with the idea of my husband being entrenched in another family situation that didn't include me. In other words, I was not willing to marry someone who was going to exclude me as his number one parenting partner. I told him that right up front, and I held him to it through hell and high water.

What I meant by that was that while I understood that communication would be necessary with the ex, it would not be excessive, would not stray from the pertinent issues, and we would do it together. So when issues with my sd arise, he and I talk about them first and foremost, and then we communicate with the ex as a parenting team. No matter which one of us actually does the communicating with the ex, we have already made decisions as a team concerning how we feel about this or that. Whether its scheduling, school, discipline, or behavior, we honor our committment to one another as the parents of our children and view the ex in a supporting role to US as parents. I am not forced into the supporting role to THEM as parents. See the difference? I have nothing to be jealous about as I am an equal partner with them as parents of my sd. It took some time for the ex to get used to, but I think she sees it as a valuable situation now. She knows I'm invested in her daughter's well being and that I am another ally in her daughter's life and upbringing.

Honestly, I think that has saved us a massive amount of grief and headache. We have a great situation and parent together very well. Its when one person feels left out that the jealousy and stress happens. I believe that two married people are committed to one another first and foremost, and that trumps relationships with ex's, period. Of course this takes understanding. I have never (and would never) tried to stand in the way of my sd having a wonderful relationship with her dad, me, her mom, or any of her additional siblings. If all people can come to the table like this, it is so much easier! We still have our issues from time to time, like anyone, but at least I don't have to sit here and feel like I have others making decisions that affect me without my permission.

(I completely agree that it is NEVER okay to spend the night at an ex-spouses home! HOLY COW! I would have left my husband on the spot, and not because I thought something would happen...just because of the blatant disrespect.)

lostinwisc's picture

Pink Pixie... I love your response. I think that is the most healthy and mature approach to parenting in a 2 family household I have seen on here! I just married a BF of 3 and have one child of my own. My daughters father is non-existant and I welcome any involvement from my fiance in her life and decisions that I make for her. I would love to be equally involved in his childrens lives, but BM is very controlling and limits all the invovement that he has with them as it is. BM contacts him multiple times a day to discuss the events and concerns surrounding the children and ask for extra help with money, clothes, babysitting... Although it bothers me a little, I know he wants so badly to be involved in his childrens lives that he'll take whatever he can get (even if its just daily updates). She wants to get together about once a month to discuss rules, discipline, big events and trouble the older girls (13 & 14) are getting into and how they want to handle it. He takes notes and talks to me about it afterwards. I feel so left out, but then there not my kids so I don't really know how I should feel. I do know that whatever effects the SK or DH will in some way affect me and I would like to be more involved in their decisions. Bravo to you for taking control of the situation in your home!

Gwen's picture

That's just how we do it too, although it took a long time to get here. I think it's the approach that has most benefited the children. I am firmly in your camp on this!

EMA's picture

I just found this forum today and thought i was the only one with this problem. Mine is a little differnt and if anyone has suggestions I would please love to hear them. My b/f and I have dated for 2 years and he has a 15yr old daughter. He and the mother broke up when she was only a few mths old and he has always paid a good chunk of child support, day care, private school, full medical (now braces) and every sports activity etc she would like to do and for that I think he is a wonderful father! The problem? For those entire 15yrs that ex has used their daughter as a pawn to get him to do whatever she wants. She has ruined every relationship he has had by playing the guilt trip on him for everything, switching schedules, not letting the daughter be around any g/f's etc. The scary thing is she NEVER has had another relationship with anyone since they broke up and basically has no life. He actually moved to another state to get away from her but still owns a house back in that state and talks to his daughter every night on the phone and visits her once a month sometimes more. We moved in together 3 mths ago and she calls constantly about the stupidest things - especially late on fridays and saturdays when he and i are doing something. He can't stand the woman but keeps the peace for his daughters sake and has never set boundaries around his personal life. He takes the call will not tell her he is busy with me, won't even mention my name and let her go on and on about whatever while I'm left sitting at the dinner table or whatever. She knows of course from the daughter that we live together. He is always very short with her and will sometimes tell her finally ok bye. Last week we had a huge fight because I felt it was very disrespectful for her to do this. WE have our own life. I understand completely that they must talk about their daughter if need be if something comes up and I certainly have NO problem with that but I feel like she just again wants to ruin another one of his relationships and he doesn't have the cojones to stand up to her! He says he is afraid to say anything to her because he is afraid she will bad mouth him to his daughter or prevent her from coming out to visit so he just listens. HE CANT STAND HER. So I said unless it's about your daughter tell her not to interrupt us on our private time. She is constantly demanding about the smallest things like a school conference. She badgered him in to flying 3,000 miles and skip a mtg at work because he was her father and he should go. We plan on getting engaged soon but I don't know if I can stand her behaviour til the kid turns 18 - he said that he would have a talk with her and fix it because he doesn't like it either and he does not want to upset me - we have a great life and she is the only thorn in our side. Of course he is out of town again because she made him feel so guilty about missing his daughters b-day a couple of days ago and that she wanted help buying her a present he went just so she would stop nagging him. His daughter is coming out next week to spend a week with us and we were doing all her b/day stuff when she got here. It's crazy! If anyone has any help for me how to handle this please let me know. Thanks!

Sweatheart's picture

It has taken my husband 3 years of our marriage to finally start setting some boundaries with his ex. Be patient, but don't give up. Stand up for what you feel is right. NEVER get involved with his ex, that is his job, and she will just make you crazy. Set up some ground rules with your boyfriend/fiance?. On occasion I have to make changes to the ground rules that we have set up, because new issues come up. By the way, make sure you tell him not to answer the phone when you are on your wedding night!! I didn't make that clear and the bitch called 3 times, once at 7:00 a.m, and once while we were in the middle of sex! He had the nerve to stop and answer the @#%ing phone!! There is no reason the calls can't go into voicemail & get checked later. We have a policy now-she is not allowed to call on either of our cellphones unless it is an emergency. Her calls always go into voicemail or answering machine at home, then we just check the machine. I had my hubby tell her-if she does not leave a specific message as to what she is calling about, he will NOT return her call. They are not always smart about this sort of thing, so you will need to help him figure it out. He is probably just doing what he has always done, and wonders why you are getting mad at him all of the time-sound familiar? Hang in there!

Mrs Katch 22's picture

You said "I have even gone with him to see them and had to spend the day with his ex while he took the boys to play golf." So you and his ex spent time with each other while he did his thing with his kids. Could it be that maybe he's threatened by your kid's father? I was for the longest time. When BM finally stepped up and accepted me by saying that we all need to work together, things are okay...I can call her if there's ever an issue, that took away A LOT OF STRESS. Being acknowledged and accepted as a stepmom, believe it or not did wonders. Could it be that he doesn't feel or have that connection with your kid's father? Not saying they need to be buddies...

What prompted BM to bring this up (surprisingly, because she did a total 180, she had this whole thing with not dealing with third parties (me), etc.) is that our friend's SK mentioned that his BM and SM don't get along. SD brought this up to her mom and maybe BM felt that SD was torn between being nice to me and loyalty to mom? Maybe I'm regressing, but just a thought Smile Does your child's father ever talk to your husband about your child? Maybe include him more?

stired_crazy's picture

My son is ADHD and it can be a full time job, He is now 15 years old and I noticed its slowed down a bit but never really goes away. As far as this jelousy with your partner now I can Underdstand. My BF has 5 children, ages from 11 to 15, The x will call over some crazy BS that everyday parents handle.I feel like if its not life threatning then she can handle it on her own ya know.If it deals with school, sickness(life threatning) any emergencies call, I struggled with the issue of her calling on his job talking to him on the phone, I thought " Whats the issue that she cant call when your out", Also the fact that the call was at times taken outside if he was home. Many people would think " OK.. theirs more to this if he cant talk in front of you".This went on for a long time!
Eventually I confronted him on it, He said I was over reacting and assured me it always had to do with the kids, I thought well if thats so then their is nothing you cant say to her infront of me in the presence of our own home.I felt like I was good enough to mother them when they come over but when something arised I was excluded.
I care about them too, and to a certain exstent feel I have the right to know what goes on in their lives too, How can I be good just for the fun stuff but Anything else was between my B.F and X-wife!
The truth was: She would not let him know what went on with the children because of me, she would not call him if she even thought he was standing in front of me, she wanted me to know NOTHING that concerned her kids, She wanted to exclude me from this almost as if I did did not exsist and did not matter, that it was completely between her and him. So to make her feel comfortable my B.F would apease her by not talking in front of me and taking calls on the job.
I was SOOOOOO mad!
That hubby and wifey bond IS OVER,There should be NOTHING kept from me.. right down to the smallest and stupidest of details" Know what I mean"?Its a respect issue for me, for our relationship and Respect for us as a couple, and the x has to learn that I am apart of this too and have no plans on going any where, her personal feelings DO NOT matter anymore.. only the childrens do!
So,on all that being said.. phone calls are made at home now, they are taken in front of me most the time( because I have to show trust when they cant be),and believe me.. the x had plenty of smart comments to make about it to, One comment was...
" Well, why we can all be just one big happy family now", My B.F told her that I am apart of this no matter what and thats the way it is.So, take those calls in front of your partner, call him back in front of your partner, make them brief and to the point!
That is my best advice, I am only tring to help, so I hope I did not offend you in any way.
Good luck!

Dino's picture

I went through that on both sides when I got remarried. We decided that we would always talk to the ex in the same room we are both in. It really helped gain some security and get ride if the jealousy. It does stop after some time. Just put yourself in his shoes.

Tara12's picture

Thanks to everyone! I'm new here and I thought it was just me for awhile. Sweathart you crack me up! My BF used to do the same thing answering the phone in the middle of ***. My now fiance apparently had a big talk with the ex and we haven't heard from her (well me)for about 3 weeks - on the weekends at least. She is nuts. You are absolutely correct - it had just become a pattern for him to take her calls all the time. She would use their daughters name once and then the rest of the conversation would be her talking about her job, a program she saw on TV etc. WTF! On Friday and Sat nights??? I'm just grateful they live 3,000 miles away! I think that is the only thing that has saved our relationship. Unfortunately I have a BAD feeling it may start again though, women's intiution you know...the calm before the storm.

TheJennifer587's picture

Now maybe I'm being too general, but a lot of times, if a woman's ex and her current boyfriend/husband, would probably be respectful of each other because men have a greater sense of loyalty and wouldn't want to be trampled on or get their butts kicked. I see too many examples though of ex-spouses or girlfriends who are women, monopolizing the ex-husband, overstepping the boundaries, becoming flirtatious, etc. Women so many times don't seem to know their boundaries, but might learn them quick if they knew they might be in for a butt kicking. No sense of loyalty among women. Women like to rack up male friends like trophies and make other women uncomfortable. Just the way it is.

Anonymously yours's picture

dh and i have been married only like three months. prior to marrying, i was impressed by dh and ex's ability to work things out for the best of my sd. now i see that things are much more intense than i had suspected... not that these things are necessarily wrong, i am just not used to them, and now i am totally freaked out with negative feelings.i am not a jealous person regularly, and don't know why i feel this way. it would be horrible if our marriage dissolved over this. they plan and host birthday parties for sd together, they take her trick or treating together, have joint bank account into which they place money for her tuition, allowance, gifts, stuff in, i have seen them both go to the same birthday party for sd's friends, buy sd's birthday gift together and present it together...she calls him like daily, to confirm things about sd, but they also talk about things that are going on in their lives respectively, it goes on and on. she had left him for her current husband like six yrs ago. actually, most of it is logical, legit, and shows alot of humility to work on these things together. but, i am bothered by most of it nonetheless. i am asking God to help me see things as He would want me to, and to have love and compassion as He would have. dh and i talked about it last night, and i sounded controlling and jealous! hearing myself was awful,but even though i sounded irrational, the goal for me is just for us all to get along well enough to cooperate. not be friends. dh disagrees. he says that he will not change. all i want is for him to limit all communication with ex to being about their child.i don't want them communicating about their lives. i don't want him showing her his new car up close or inside, and i don't want her feeling so comfortable in our house that she goes through kitchen drawers. i am willing to look at things differently because i do hear the irrationality in my words. and the misery (for dh, myself, and undoubtedly the children) this negativity brings is too much to bear

Gwen's picture

There is no irrationality in your words. It is great that they get along and are cooperative re: the child. But as his wife you are absolutely entitled to boundaries that you are comfortable with. Cooperative co-parenting and boundaries are not mutually exclusive. Keep reading on this site and look up co-parenting materials on the internet re: boundaries -- many co-parenting materials explain that it is entirely natural and ok for boundaries to change when a new spouse enters the picture. Good luck.

lil_teapot's picture

I can relate to your dh because I have issues with my dh and his ew. My problems all entirely lay in the areas of boundaries and respect. She does not respect our home and the boundary that it, not walking in, or taking our dog for walks, or touching our things...It shows me she has no respect and makes me wonder if she wants to break us up by causing arguments or if she see's she screwed up and is weaseling her way to take my dh back.
I don't think your dh is upset about the interactions, its HOW you interact. He (if he's like me) feels insecure about his place in this big family structure because you have a history with this man and share a my case I have to live in the house he shared with EW. If you interact with your exH in such a way as to respect your new marriage, I don't think your dh would feel upset. I think people are giving you great advice...keep dh in the communications loop, limit contact with exH, etc. Your new dh needs to feel respected, like his feelings matter...that's where I get upset because I feel like alot of the time my dh doesn't take my feelings into consideration because keeping friendly communications with his EW makes him feel like their parenting roles will go more smoothly than if they're constantly bickering. But like alot of people have said on here, that makes us new wives and husbands feel like outsiders if we aren't on the communications team. We don't ask to parent the skids or to do anything more than the birthparent agrees to, but we should be kept in the loop on everything out of respect for us and to show that we are important.

MagneticNorth's picture

I would think that you could limit your conversations to once a week - if not cut them out altogether. Many parents do just that with their ex's. Short to the point (and infrequent) emails would work instead of phone calls.

At very least if you must talk to your ex, include your current spouse in the conversation even if just as a listener.

Having private time & conversations with your former love interest is something that would make many current spouses nervous. If it's not an absolute neccesity why let it damage your current relationship?

MagneticNorth's picture

I would think that you could limit your conversations to once a week - if not cut them out altogether. Many parents do just that with their ex's. Short to the point (and infrequent) emails would work instead of phone calls.

At very least if you must talk to your ex, include your current spouse in the conversation even if just as a listener.

Having private time & conversations with your former love interest is something that would make many current spouses nervous. If it's not an absolute neccesity why let it damage your current relationship?

Mommyto1Stepto2's picture

I think its great that you are your ex can be nice to each other, but I really don't think that your husband is wrong in not wanting you to talk to him more than twice a week. You can always send an email if you need to discuss the scheduling or if something else comes up. Boundaries are not a bad thing to have.

stepmom008's picture

My thoughts on the issue of your husband being jealous of your conversations with your ex are as follows:

Clearly he's jealous and a bit insecure. Try to put yourself in his shoes. Would you feel insecure if the same thing was happening but reversed? Now, having said that (and I don't want to put anything into your head - I'm just asking a question), is it possible that he feels guilty from spending the night at his ex's? Not that anything happened, but perhaps there were feelings that he couldn't control and he's worried that you are experiencing feelings for your ex? It's pretty clear that you are more secure with your relationship than he is and I'm just pondering the possible causes of this...

Would you be willing to try and involve him more in decisions that you and your ex make with regards to your son?

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

herewegoagain's picture

Sorry, but if your son is 14, I don't see why you need to talk to your ex so much either. You even mention that "even to brag"...well, really, that's not necessary. I don't see it. I understand if there is a major school issue, a drug issue, medical issue...other than that, I think that anything that is not major the dad can discuss with the son on his own. And of course, I don't think bragging is part of something that is needed. That is actually a "person you go to to make you feel better, to understand you, to be there for you..."

On the other hand, if your husband doesn't like your kid, you need to figure out why. Not sure about that whole issue because there is very little on here about it.

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onmywayout's picture

Just to chime in. I think there should be a scheduled time for communicating about the kids between ex's. My situation is my husband lets his ex interrupt our lives whenever she feels like it with text messages or phone calls -- this can be bitchy texts at 9:30 p.m. about money or pretty much any time she feels like it. It bothers me because as the "new" wife, I don't think he should be giving her permission to pester him whenever she feels like it AND for him to immediately respond to her. It makes me feel quite angry, to be honest. He never understands my point that it's one thing to communicate regarding their kids (who are all over the age of 17) and another to let this woman barge into our lives whenever she feels like it. I really feel like he needs to draw some boundaries and tell her to stop, or at the very least, ignore her texts until it is a reasonable time to answer her.

He doesn't seem to have a spine with her at all -- guilty daddy syndrome or something. But it makes me feel like second fiddle because we can be out to dinner and BING her text message hits his phone and he cannot even wait until after we are done eating before he responds to her. I think she is intrusive, but it is HIS fault because he allows her to intrude. I feel the current spouses should be sensitive to each other's feelings. An ex spouse IS an ex spouse, kids or no kids involved.