Culture/language barriers
Hi everyone, first time in step talk and seeking for some advice:
Long story "short"(maybe not that short, sorry!): I married a DH a year ago but we've been together for 4 years. 3 years living as a blended family. I don't bring kids and I never married before. I'm also a teacher from Spain.
My step kids are good kids but I can tell they don't want a step mother. Sometimes I feel they don't like me. We share the custody 50/50 and the rules at the other house are VERY loose.
We are more strict at our house about house rules, behavior, and academics (the last I hardly intervene). My DH and I set up the rules together but the kids think I'm the one imposing them because:
a) I'm the stranger in the equation
b) they hardly have rules at the other house
c) I'm a teacher
The kids have shown more interest to stay at the other house and my DH feels like it's mainly because they don't feel at home. He is the one imposing the rules but when he is not around I'm the one with the load reminding them what to do and, obviously, they don't like that.
I also struggle with communication because I feel that everytime I'll tell them something related to house rules/behavior, etc... 1- they don't like it bc I'm not their parent (which I get); and 2- I'm more direct talking that maybe their parents because that's how I am (culturally raised) and how I am also able to communicate. I'm bilingual but, obviously, English is still a second language and I'm not as fluent as in Spanish. It's not as natural as my mother tongue.
I feel like I can't express myself freely because whatever I say they take it rudely or harsh(culture/language), or simply they won't like it because of my SM role at home.
We've got to a point where I don't feel comfortable at my own home because I can't be myself. I'm afraid I may hurt anybody or I could be judged and not liked even more.
I wonder if there are out there more stepmoms that come from a different culture with a different language that have gone through this.
Any advice? Thanks!
English may be your second
English may be your second language but I would never guess that from your writing!
I think your problems are less from culture and more from poor parenting and lax rules.
Your English is impeccable.
Your English is impeccable. Please do not give your toxic Skids and struggling father of a partner an excuse for their crap due to your multilingual capabilities. Those are a wonderful accomplishment and not something that gives them a get out of jail free card for any toxic crap that they pull.
I’m an aussie and married an asian man, but i am bilingual
Fluently in his asian language. Me and hubby are very direct straight to the point kind of people. If his kids are disrespectful, hubby gets it from me what they did and rto deal with it.
in my case the exwife tried to claim i was a half naked prostitute, sd24 would lecture hubby on religion despite being one of the worst practicers of it.
Funny thing is asian culture prides itself on respecting family elders and people older than you and for you to be polite but skids are none of this
bad parenting and manners are just that, it has nothing to do about culture and i am yet to find a culture that states you be rude and disrespectful to others
Your English is great - but
Your English is great - but honestly, it's not your job to parent his kids. Of course they resent you, as you said, they know that if you weren't there, DH would not have these rules in place, even if he now claims to agree with them.
Personally, I'd back off and let DH be the parent.
I can relate
I'm a different culture than my skids and DH. At first it was hard but we all learned how to get amid our differences.
I can't say much about the
I can't say much about the language barrier (except to say you write beautifully!")
However, as far as the rules and such. Girl, back right off of that for your own sanity!! Lol!! What you are experiencing is super common. Kids need to get to know you and just have a fun and relaxing time with them. We have "house rules" that DH and I decided on but we both have kids so they all knew the house rules are just that. If I didn't have kids? I would wash my hands of it! Even now, I don't discipline my stepkids. That's dad's job. He doesn't discipline mine either. We do say "hey...Remember the house rules!" Or I might say "hey guys..your dad asked you not to do that" or he might say to my kids "girls your mom asked you to not leave your wet towels on the floor. Don't forget!" As reminders but the actual discipline? We deal with our own kids. We are years into now so we can do a bit more but in the beginning?? No discipline at all. If you are still struggling, I would suggest backing off of that first of all and your DH needs to tell them to be respectful to you. The other thing is try to connect with them. Do something they like, take them somewhere ect... I know it's super hard but give it a shot. Try to have more of a friendship rather than a parent role for now. If you can establish that, that's when you can be more involved with the discipline.
Also, as hard as it is, try not to take it personally. I am sure you are lovely!!! They would be like this with anyone. It's not you...it's them. Haha! It's common. It's normal. It's all part of blending. Hope that helps a bit. Hugs!!