Coping with my kids deadbeat dad and my husband/stepkids
My husband and I each have two kids from our first marriage. We have full custody of mine and they do not see their father. He shares 50% custody with his ex. We are also expecting a child together. I am having a very difficult time dealing with watching him be loving, sweet, affectionate, and involved with his kids, and generally not with mine. For a long time he was way way harder on my kids and had different rules/expectations for them (they are all similar ages). We have addressed and overcome that issue, for the most part, and he has genuinely tried to hold them all to the same rules, etc. But he is completely different with his kids vs. mine. And I understand this, as I am different with my kids. But the dynamic is becoming really difficult because he is with us all of the time, and my kids feelings are hurt when they see how differently he treats his kids and how suddenly they don't matter when his kids are around. I am not overly loving or affectionate with his kids, nor super involved in their extracurricular activities, etc., so I feel like I'm being hypocritical, but I have never been invited to be in this role by his kids or his ex. His kids reject me being that way towards them, and his ex excluded me from being an involved stepparent. I guess I'm looking for help with ways to cope with this feeling awful for my kids all the time and being resentful towards my husband and his kids, or advice from anyone who may be in a similar situation. I feel like it's a really tough Belford family dynamic, and starting to really worry about how this marriage is going to affect my kids.
Why would you cope with it?
IMHO it is better to take a zero tolerance stance and continually rub his nose and the noses of his failed family children in the situation they are creating..
He obviously has zero interest in blending families and frankly, you do not appear to have much interest in it either. Neither of you appear to be engaging with each other's failed family children.
Why sacrifice yourself and your own children on this alter of blended family martyrdom? Your kids do not deserve this. Including the one on the way. Neither do you. Nor does your DH and his kids.
It's never going to be
It's never going to be perfect but house rules written down and posted on the fridge helps. A family meeting to clarify the rules AND consequences for ALL to follow. They MUST see you as a team or you will have a mutiny on your hands. I had 3, DH had 4 and we had one together. In the beginning it was working for the most part but BM couldn't handle her kids having a good time with us so she sabatoged it. Don't let the guilt of choosing a poor person the first time around blind you to being effective parents in your home. Those kids need reliable adults who embrace the role of parent, not a wishy washy pushover. Kids can smell that a mile away and will run with it!
I might suggest some couple counseling with an experienced therapist in blended family systems. An unbiased person to point out each of your blind spots when it comes to your kids and to also clear up any underlying expectations of each other that might need to be hashed out.
Also remember that you two chose each other and that the marriage comes first , that means you have each other's back and any disrespect from the other's kids must not be tolerated. Biggest complaint on here is that skid's disrespect toward step parent is tolerated by birth parent. That can not be allowed by either of you.
It's okay to do activities separately too. The kids need time with their birth parent once in a awhile, it can't be all be blended family. For example we would all go to the mall but divide up along birth family when shopping. Make it clear that birth mom takes care of majority of clothes shopping, helps to prevent Dad from going broke trying to keep everything fair and paying twice.
These were things that worked for us. Did it prevent alienation from happening? Unfortunately no, but it did give the kids that did experience our home a stable place. The ones that spent the most time with us have so far launched. They are all adults now.
It's not your DH's
It's not your DH's responsibility to make up for the fact that your EX is a loser. And your partner does have kids of his own.. and just like you aren't "mother" to them.. he doesn't necessarily need to be "father" to your kids.. and not because they are there full time.. and their dad isn't involved.
BUT... kids should be treated equitably.. and kindly.. by both of you. Your kids should have more responsibility in your home because they live there full time.... his kids don't have to do the same amount of chores.. because they are only there 50% of the time.. for example.. your kid's chores take 2 hours a week.. his kids should spend 2 hours the week they are there.. not 4 hours to "equal" the 8 hours a month rate your kids are doing. All kids should be responsible for maintaining their space neatly.. making beds.. putting away laundry etc..
The chores and expectations are also supposed to be age appropriate.. if your kids are 12 and 14.. and his are 7 and 8.. your kid's would generally have higher expectations of performance and behavior than his.. etc..
I also think in your situation.. that you should be doing the majority of the parenting and consequence work with your kids.. If he isn't interested in much of the "good" part of your kid's lives.. he shouldn't just be only in the authority mode with them.. it just isn't a great dynamic. Of course, they should be respectful to him.. but you shouldn't be relying on him to discipline your kids.
But... overall.. kindness rules the day right? If all the kids are similar ages.. if they are outside playing ball.. he should include your kids too.. when practical.. you buy an icecream for the kids from the truck? it includes yoru kids.. just as you would buy his kids one. Of course, he likely wants more direct time with his kids since he only has them 50/50.. and your kids are around all the time.. so he may be spending some time with them when his kids aren't there.. and maybe that's a good way to frame it with your kids if they are excluded.. well.. his kids are only there a couple weeks a month.. so he makes up time with them when they are there.. and sometimes that means he will want to do things with just them.. but YOU can also do the same with your kids.. take them yourself to do something when they may feel left out.