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Constant problem with step son.

thegeckoguy's picture

Hello , this is my first time posting here so go easy on my if i strike a chord please i come for advice

i am a 33 year old husband , father and stepfather to 4 children (1 bio daughter who is 4 & 3 step two girls ages 8 & 9 & a boy age 12 going on 13 next month) my wife is 28

ive been with my wife for 7 years and for the most part marriage has had its share of ups and downs but one of the main reasons for its down is the way we parent , i believe we have the best intentions for the children and the ultimate goal of making sure they are kind , respectful , ready and prepared for the world ahead because lets face it they arent getting any younger . i have rarely had issues with my step daughters and i love them like my own , they are attentive and generally very sweet , they love being active and going outdoors playing and get along for the most part with their siblings (they have a different father than their brother) , now my stepson in the other hand has always been an extreme mommas boy meaning he would rather hang out with his mom all day than go make friends and as i knew that was expected in the beginning of the relationship but then we fast foward 7 years later and still he has actually gotten worse with his attachment to his mom to the point where he is very disrespectful towards both of us and very sneaky and cunniving , overly dramatic and whiney and complains about everything, he is also lies alot to include or minimize himself in whatever he was involved or not involved with .

Before i go furthur , i was raised with both of my parents together with my sister and older half brother , my mother would give me advice on step parenting seeing that i was a step parent and she was a step parent too but so far it hasnt worked out that good , i was always outside playing , hanging out with friends (good and bad elements and some mostly good that i still to this day) i was very streetwise at a young age aware of of certain things at an early age (at 13 i was going to school getting good grades, riding bikes, playing basket ball football and stick ball ,hiding smoking weed and drinking liquor, and trying to get at girls) , my parents both worked and i respected them and we got along good , they listed my chores and i would do them sometimes unwillingly , my mom cooked most nights my dad is a musician and truck driver and would teach me piano and guitar and loved sci fi like i do, they were also strict but gave us space accordingly , being hispanic whenever i got out of line meaning a big fuck up (lit a tree on fire by accident , get caught smoking weed , or talked back) i got my ass whooped with a belt and i was a quick learner , i have no anger towards my parents and older brother who i looked up to and love them to death , i see them every weekend , they made me a responsible , hardworking , loving , caring, selfless, but also no nonsense type of person and protective

My wife became a mother at 15 , she had both her parents together but their relationship was always strained due to her fathers infidelities and according to my wife her mother never said she loved her vocally or encouraged her to be greater , she also has siblings , her upbringing was very sheltered meaning she barely had any real friends , her parents didnt let her go out not even to the front yard , she was rebelious because of it even from an early age , her parents tried to keep her a child and never spoke to her about sex or drugs or any dangers ,she had a boyfriend at 14 and snuck around and skipped school to see and ended up getting pregnant and dropped out of school , the father was abusive so she left him ,she had met another man moved in with him a few years later and had my step daughters , after that didnt work out she moved back with her parents and then i came along

Everything was good when we first met , we hit it off , she is a bit jealous but that doesnt bother me , and her kids and i got along great, and a year after met she became pregnant , so i saved up everything and we moved in together in a good neighborhood , the first few month were good , pregnant wife , promotion at work , kids all in school and doing good but then the first incident was when he was 7 i sent him to do a simple chore , he pretended he didnt hear me (he still does that now) and i told him again and he still ignored me , so i said it in a firm tone the 3rd time , he goes to his mom and says i was being mean to him , his mother came and yelled at me that i was being mean and i shouldnt have sent him , i let it go and thought to myself ok when he needs to do something run it by his mother and she will send him , worked ocasionally but i mostly got excuses from her saying he cant because of whatever lame excuse , then he would start standing by the doors where we couldnt him when my wife and i were conversating , sometimes he gave himself up when he would add his two cents for example my wife and i would talk about getting burger king and then he would walk in the room after we talked and he would say "i really wish i had a burger king cheeseburger" , my wife would tell him to stop being nosey and how rude it is to listen to adult conversations and get in them too , but he still kept on , over the years i would try to "man him up" meaning go out make friends do something, but my wife always made excuses for him saying that i am tough with him and that outdoors its too dangerous so his best friend his her , i put im in baseball for 2 years and encouraged and praised him for going even though he really wasnt that good , over the time i met him till now he has also grown affeminite but i think its because he wants to be like his mom and equal to his mom , he listens too all girl music , talks kind of like a girl ,even eats mostly what she wants to eat , when she doesnt want to eat something he wont eat it , when she craves something he wants it too , mostly hangs out with girls in school but nowhere else because he has no friends outside of school , when he is in school , i love the kid but i will be honest that i have grown bitter over the years because he is very manipulative with his mom and alot of people around him , but like i said im more streetwise and a people person with common sense and i always catch him in his lies , he also causes fights between my wife and i because she is too lenient and she says im too rough ,she thinks he is a delicate flower and i tell her he is a 12 year old disrespectful kid with a bad attitude, my stepson apparently thinks he is an adult and still tries to listen to adult conversations and when we tell him to leave the area because we adults are talking , he gets upset and frustrated and he trying to talk to his sisters like they are little kids and he is not , this summer i signed him up to a summer camp at a park not only to make friends but also for his health because he is 12 , 205 lbs and extremely lazy , my wife thinks because he is a little older he can hear certain things like when our friend came over and talked about her divorce , he was right there front and center trying to add his two cents , it got to the point where i told him to go to the store with me , so my wife and her friend can talk , my wife really doesnt punish him , she just mostly yells and if she did punish its like no going to his grandmas or cousins house but he still has his phone and tv and all the amenities at home , just two days ago i sent him to do dishes at 10 am and he went to tell his mom instead of doing them , and it caused a fight because she used the excuse that it was too early and they were relaxing , since his father came back in his life a few years ago , his attitude has gotten worse , his father has made passes at my wife , she tells me everything but then she tells me dont cause a scene or beat his ass because he is her sons father , when he gets back from his dads him and my wife have a gossip session mostly to see if anything negative happend, ive held back so much these past few years but im about to blow up , im tired of his disrespects , her attitude towards it , she expect me to treat him like the girls , i just want him to be respectful and healthy and responsible for life ahead but my wife is making that pretty hard by babying him , any advice?

thegeckoguy's picture

also he hasnt gone to the summer camp because he hasnt wanted to and his mom wont make him go

SMforever's picture

Heavenlike sums it up very well. ^^^

You sound like a hard working, caring man, but you are allowing yourself to be taken for a long ride. It is odd that you don't seem to see this as unfair, that at such a young age you are supporting some other guy's kids, you pay the bills for all her spawn --does she get child support, why not?

thegeckoguy's picture

yes i do pay the majority or the bills and yes she is hispanic too she is cuban and im colombian , we have both very different cultures , only thing we share is the fact that we speak spanish , cubans here in the us, not all but most from what i have seen are mostly keen on pleasing their kids and are really overprotective talk first without really thinking , impulsive , and are really loud and hot blooded people colombians are people who tend to have more freedoms my parents had a boys will be boys attitude with me and my older brother , example if i got into a fight at school or with another kid , they will ask if i started it scold me if i did but if i was defending myself they would tell me good dont let anyone step on you , if it was cubans , they would tend to get involved in their kids fights and usually escalate the situation, i did fail to mention that my wife has a few medical problems , herniated discs , crohns and she is also a bit anemic , and believe the kids especially her son tend to take advantage of those days she isnt feeling good , sometimes when it comes to the parenting she doesnt respect me saying that she was parenting longer , or she will take away my authority infront of him when she feels im being tough , it sucks because i shouldnt have to walk on eggshells in my own house , even when i scold my daughter for acting up , he sees it and tells his mom , he tells her everything when im involved , she always preached that i wouldnt bond with him but its hard because my wife always wants to monitor the whole situation , i dont ask much of him but the few things i do ask him to do are met with bad attitudes and huffing and puffing

thegeckoguy's picture

Family life is great heavenlike except for the situations with her stepson, she loves me and I know she does, the whole situation with her sons dad is because we have trust in each other and believe me, she doesn't want to tell me her sons dad hit on her because she knows how angry I'll get and how I will fuck him up when I see him alone, she tells me because we are married and this is a serious situation, she sees my frustrations at times but doesn't know how to act on it when it comes to her son, and I didn't say he doesnt do chores, he does them but when she orders him to do it, he won't do them if I told him and he will complain to his mom if I tell him to, alot of times she will see my point after she calms down after an argument and she tells him that he has to listen to me, but he won't and it's a constant circle, oh and hitried has hit on my wife in front of him to, my wife told him to stop with the disrespect and that she is a married woman and stop saying shit to her son like "she is going to leave me and go with him again " I swear when I catch this dude I
will mop him up

Rags's picture

Welcome, I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice from others who are living the blended family adventure.

You are in a difficult situation. However, I suggest that you have a come to Jesus meeting with your wife and inform her in no uncertain terms that you and she are the parties to your marriage and you, she, and your marriage must be the unequivocal priority for each of you. Children are the top marital responsibility but never take priority over the marriage.

She needs absolute clarity that her son is not a party to your marriage and will have only the same benefits and participation in the family as his younger sisters have. PERIOD!

You and she need to be completely clear that you are equity life partners and that makes each of you equity parents to any children in your marital home.

This was a key element to my wife and I successfully partnering in the child raising years of our marriage. I insisted that we each be equity life partners to the other and that I was an equity parent to my SS. It worked for us. Don't get me wrong. We had a few disconnects over the years but because we are equity life partners we worked together to get through them.

One key message that I had to broadcast upon occasion is that if my wife did not like how I parented and disciplined then she could step up and get it done before I had to... or ... she could bite her tongue and have my back until we could discuss it in private. It is time for you and your wife to clip this kids ears and sew his lips together (figuratively of course) and put him in his place as a 12yo child. He is not an adult and he is not a party to your marriage and he never should be even when is does reach adulthood.

I raised my SS as my own. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and we married the week before he turned 2yo. He is soon to be 25yo and is doing well in his USAF career. He has completed 6years and re-enlisted recently. We were able to bond and function as a close family to the point that he asked me to adopt him 2 years ago a couple of months before he turned 23. We made that happen.

Set your boundaries, enforce those boundaries, engage with your wife in your equity life marital partnership, and parent all of the kids in your home with consistent standards of behavior and well defined consequences for deviating from those standards of behavior. The only variable in question should be the age of the children. Younger kids have less rigorous disciplinary consequences than older children who are more experienced and should no better than to violate the rules.

Good luck.

Take care of you.

Thumper's picture

^^^^RAGS saves the day again^^^^^

Excellent advise and well written RAGS