Constant problem with step son.
Hello , this is my first time posting here so go easy on my if i strike a chord please i come for advice
i am a 33 year old husband , father and stepfather to 4 children (1 bio daughter who is 4 & 3 step two girls ages 8 & 9 & a boy age 12 going on 13 next month) my wife is 28
ive been with my wife for 7 years and for the most part marriage has had its share of ups and downs but one of the main reasons for its down is the way we parent , i believe we have the best intentions for the children and the ultimate goal of making sure they are kind , respectful , ready and prepared for the world ahead because lets face it they arent getting any younger . i have rarely had issues with my step daughters and i love them like my own , they are attentive and generally very sweet , they love being active and going outdoors playing and get along for the most part with their siblings (they have a different father than their brother) , now my stepson in the other hand has always been an extreme mommas boy meaning he would rather hang out with his mom all day than go make friends and as i knew that was expected in the beginning of the relationship but then we fast foward 7 years later and still he has actually gotten worse with his attachment to his mom to the point where he is very disrespectful towards both of us and very sneaky and cunniving , overly dramatic and whiney and complains about everything, he is also lies alot to include or minimize himself in whatever he was involved or not involved with .
Before i go furthur , i was raised with both of my parents together with my sister and older half brother , my mother would give me advice on step parenting seeing that i was a step parent and she was a step parent too but so far it hasnt worked out that good , i was always outside playing , hanging out with friends (good and bad elements and some mostly good that i still to this day) i was very streetwise at a young age aware of of certain things at an early age (at 13 i was going to school getting good grades, riding bikes, playing basket ball football and stick ball ,hiding smoking weed and drinking liquor, and trying to get at girls) , my parents both worked and i respected them and we got along good , they listed my chores and i would do them sometimes unwillingly , my mom cooked most nights my dad is a musician and truck driver and would teach me piano and guitar and loved sci fi like i do, they were also strict but gave us space accordingly , being hispanic whenever i got out of line meaning a big fuck up (lit a tree on fire by accident , get caught smoking weed , or talked back) i got my ass whooped with a belt and i was a quick learner , i have no anger towards my parents and older brother who i looked up to and love them to death , i see them every weekend , they made me a responsible , hardworking , loving , caring, selfless, but also no nonsense type of person and protective
My wife became a mother at 15 , she had both her parents together but their relationship was always strained due to her fathers infidelities and according to my wife her mother never said she loved her vocally or encouraged her to be greater , she also has siblings , her upbringing was very sheltered meaning she barely had any real friends , her parents didnt let her go out not even to the front yard , she was rebelious because of it even from an early age , her parents tried to keep her a child and never spoke to her about sex or drugs or any dangers ,she had a boyfriend at 14 and snuck around and skipped school to see and ended up getting pregnant and dropped out of school , the father was abusive so she left him ,she had met another man moved in with him a few years later and had my step daughters , after that didnt work out she moved back with her parents and then i came along
Everything was good when we first met , we hit it off , she is a bit jealous but that doesnt bother me , and her kids and i got along great, and a year after met she became pregnant , so i saved up everything and we moved in together in a good neighborhood , the first few month were good , pregnant wife , promotion at work , kids all in school and doing good but then the first incident was when he was 7 i sent him to do a simple chore , he pretended he didnt hear me (he still does that now) and i told him again and he still ignored me , so i said it in a firm tone the 3rd time , he goes to his mom and says i was being mean to him , his mother came and yelled at me that i was being mean and i shouldnt have sent him , i let it go and thought to myself ok when he needs to do something run it by his mother and she will send him , worked ocasionally but i mostly got excuses from her saying he cant because of whatever lame excuse , then he would start standing by the doors where we couldnt him when my wife and i were conversating , sometimes he gave himself up when he would add his two cents for example my wife and i would talk about getting burger king and then he would walk in the room after we talked and he would say "i really wish i had a burger king cheeseburger" , my wife would tell him to stop being nosey and how rude it is to listen to adult conversations and get in them too , but he still kept on , over the years i would try to "man him up" meaning go out make friends do something, but my wife always made excuses for him saying that i am tough with him and that outdoors its too dangerous so his best friend his her , i put im in baseball for 2 years and encouraged and praised him for going even though he really wasnt that good , over the time i met him till now he has also grown affeminite but i think its because he wants to be like his mom and equal to his mom , he listens too all girl music , talks kind of like a girl ,even eats mostly what she wants to eat , when she doesnt want to eat something he wont eat it , when she craves something he wants it too , mostly hangs out with girls in school but nowhere else because he has no friends outside of school , when he is in school , i love the kid but i will be honest that i have grown bitter over the years because he is very manipulative with his mom and alot of people around him , but like i said im more streetwise and a people person with common sense and i always catch him in his lies , he also causes fights between my wife and i because she is too lenient and she says im too rough ,she thinks he is a delicate flower and i tell her he is a 12 year old disrespectful kid with a bad attitude, my stepson apparently thinks he is an adult and still tries to listen to adult conversations and when we tell him to leave the area because we adults are talking , he gets upset and frustrated and he trying to talk to his sisters like they are little kids and he is not , this summer i signed him up to a summer camp at a park not only to make friends but also for his health because he is 12 , 205 lbs and extremely lazy , my wife thinks because he is a little older he can hear certain things like when our friend came over and talked about her divorce , he was right there front and center trying to add his two cents , it got to the point where i told him to go to the store with me , so my wife and her friend can talk , my wife really doesnt punish him , she just mostly yells and if she did punish its like no going to his grandmas or cousins house but he still has his phone and tv and all the amenities at home , just two days ago i sent him to do dishes at 10 am and he went to tell his mom instead of doing them , and it caused a fight because she used the excuse that it was too early and they were relaxing , since his father came back in his life a few years ago , his attitude has gotten worse , his father has made passes at my wife , she tells me everything but then she tells me dont cause a scene or beat his ass because he is her sons father , when he gets back from his dads him and my wife have a gossip session mostly to see if anything negative happend, ive held back so much these past few years but im about to blow up , im tired of his disrespects , her attitude towards it , she expect me to treat him like the girls , i just want him to be respectful and healthy and responsible for life ahead but my wife is making that pretty hard by babying him , any advice?