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Considering divorce over stepkids

daisyduke's picture

I have only been married for a short while. We were in no way ready to be married but I was pregnant and we took the plunge. He has 2 kids. We now have one together. His kids and I got along fine in the beginning but without boring you all with all the details, things started falling apart and we drifted. I was left alone to take over his role, all while I was pregnant, hormonal, and extremely annoyed. They started misbehaving....ltheyvhave dije some incredibly terrible things, and after my child was born, her life was threatened by my skids. They’re little so I know they didn’t realiz but they were trying to hurt her just because they wanted to hurt me. I know they are extremely jealous of my child. Again, trust me on this. 

No point dwelling on the past. Alas, we reached to a point where one won’t even eat if I’m cooking and the other pees in the bed on a regular basis. They are 7,8. 

My husband asked me if I loved them and I flat out said no. I don’t hate them, I just have no feelings towards them whatsoever. I could live life happily if I never have to see them again. I don’t wish them anything bad nor good. I just simply don’t care. To me, because of everything that has transgresses, I simply don’t have any sort of feelings towards them. 

My husband is extremely hurt by that. He keeps on saying that I don’t love him if I don’t love them. Which is not true at all. I do live him. I just don’t care for his kids at all. 

We have a weekly fight about my lack of feelings towards his kids. WEEKLY! I told him that if this continues I will start to resent them. He’s so deeply hurt and offended that I don’t love his kids that he brings t up so often and starts huge fight about the stupidest things just to be able to leas the conversation to the same thing....you hate my kids that means you don’t love me at all, all you need is your baby, why are you still here? 

I am seriously having to wake up everyday and make a conscious decision of should I leave or should I stay. I do love him, but the fights are not worth so much misery. I love him and I wish things were different. I am always thinking about my daughter. She’s under a year and I am constantly thinking if I leave now, I know he will give me custody, and I can leave this god forsaken city and be happy elsewhere, just the two of us, and she won’t suffer because she very much depandatvon me still. But then I think, she deserves the right to know her dad and grow up in a nuclear family. I want that for her. So I think I’ve gottwn to the point where I’m staying in my marriage just for my child because every time we fight about the same issue, I feel less for him and start to resent his kids. 

I honestly don’t know what to do here. 

StepUltimate's picture

... you're going through this..

notsurehowtodeal's picture

They are old enough to know what they were saying or doing. If the threats are real enough that you can't leave the baby alone when they are there - I would seriously consider moving out.

 

daisyduke's picture

One of them has dropped coins in her cars eat and put small objects in her hands, knowing she’s not supposed to do that. She’s acting out of jealousy. 

Miya to the point where even my husband agrees to not let the 2 of them in the same room without an adult watching like a hawk. 

SteppedOut's picture

Sorry you are going though this. I DID leave my SO because of dangerous behaviour from formerSS13. I also had to constantly watch like a hawk. It was SO EXHAUSTING! It got to the point I couldn't even leave babyBS sleeping by himself... formerSS would sneak in and wake him...

He would CONSTANTLY try to put peanut butter in my NEWBORN's mouth, woke him up LITERALLY every time he was sleeping. Every. Time. He started leaving BROKEN GLASS on his play surfaces. Just to name a few things...

At least your dh is recognizing their bad behavior towards your baby. My former SO just couldn't wrap his mind around it and believed the constant excuses of "i forgot", "i didnt know" or even no excuse or acknowledgement... just a cold blank stare back. Does your dh not think that is...odd, bad, etc the skids are acting like that??

My formerSS was out on summer break for one week when I packed all of my stuff and fled with babyBS. I couldn't take one more second of that evil kid near me or my baby!

daisyduke's picture

Well he sees that I am worried and I asked him one question....can you give me 100% guarantee that she won’t do anything to hurt the baby? He said no. He knows and sees how incredibly jealous she is. The thing that worried me the most is that I straight up told her if she did that stuff the baby will chicle and die. I’ve been saying this since the beginning of my pregnancy. My husband, although he sees it and agrees to not leave them alone, he constantly tells me he’s pissed off because his child is not a murderer and it seems like I’m causing her of having that potential. Sorry but the last time, she put small shells in the babys hand and was straight up looking into my eyes while she did it. 

I don’t think a 7 year old has the ability to reason and willingfully be evil and want to murder a child. But she definitely wants her to be gone and wants to hurt her and me in the process. And frankly I told my SO I am just not willing to take that chance. 

I am worried because she’s like this now at this age, I cannot even imagine what she would be like when she’s older. 

SO was sharing custody and since this turn of events he’s decided to give the ex custody and him just get overnights. Already when they are at our house the baby and I make ourselves scarce. I am purposefully going to plan activities for the us to be able to leave the house when they are here. I’ve gone to my parents for the week and Sao is telling me they are both behaving very well. Clearly mine and the baby’s presence is causing a huge behavioral problem in them. And I’m completely happy to go one with this arrangement. What I’m not ok with is being looked down upon for not having feelings for his kids. I just cannot wrap my head around loving someone who threatens the life of my child and is so hateful.  I’m tired of him getting pissed off and provoking a fight over the issue on a weekly basis. I’m hoping that it’s just because he’s giving over custody and he’s suffering right now. But I really do not know how much more I can handle. 

SteppedOut's picture

I mean? That is HIS BABY too! How is he not mad at skids for behaving like that? He is only mad at you because you dont love them? How are you supposed to even try to love them when they are trying ro hurt your baby?!

Ugh, i SO get what you are feeling!

Harry's picture

will not change.  At first they hope there BD and BM would get back together.  Once new baby came they new it will never be the same. And BM and BF will not get back together.  Unless your SO take control of his kids. And stop putting it on you. It’s not going to get better. 

daisyduke's picture

I realized that too. Because in my pregnancy they kept asking me why I didn’t move out of the state just me and the baby. And they kept asking dad why he and BM broke up: thing is he divorced when they were 2-3. I tried explaining all this to SO that they still want them together so they don’t have to diverse their loyalty. He sees what is happening but wants me to be the adult and love them equally to him. I just don’t see it happening. My child to me is a part of me, she’s my world. I wouldn’t expect anyone law to feel the way I do about her

SteppedOut's picture

"Just be an adult and love them equally". How does one just "love" someone that treats you AND your infant in rude, mean and dangerous ways?!?

I got the same line of bull from formerSO and formerMIL. If I just loooooved him like he should be loved it would all be ok! 

daisyduke's picture

That’s stupid because the hikes misbehavior isn’t not being loved by you. It’s natural for a kid to be jealous and act out. No amount of love from a stepparent will fix their behavior. 

I hate to sound mean here but these kids really are not normal. I get the jealousy and the acting out and the peeing in bed...but one of them I get the feeling has evil tendencies. She’s even strangled a dog before...and laughed when I yelled at her. 

Mall these things for me add up and I know that no amount of love will fix that. 

SteppedOut's picture

Ugh, yeah small kids don't normally act mean to animals... what kid doesnt like animals? 

daisyduke's picture

She was playing with the dog. And then all of a sudden her arms were wrapped around the dogs neck and shaking her. Idk wth happened. But she didn’t even measure the fact that she was hurting the dog. 

Thing that makes me most angry is that SO sees most of this but refuses to see it all. And if I tell him I get told I’m exaggerating and that his kid is not a murderer. If I don’t tell him, he thinks everything is fine. 

SteppedOut's picture

I get this too... he sees the behavior but just makes excuses. Its so frustrating! 

FormerSS lived with us full time. Seriously RARELY went to see BM. My SO didnt want to "yell all the time, discipline all the time" etc. Ok, how about AT LEAST ONCE!! And then the "you just hate my kid". Guess what? At the end i DID hate him!! How could I not after all the rude, mean and dangerous behavior??

Cherrytots22's picture

Yes these situations when left to grow you will hate them in the end .i completley agree went through this myself.they caused my children sooo much upset and misery and bullying basically.it ends up you hate the step kids.horrible but very true.if you dont hate them now you will soon you should not let people cause that change in you to make you become so angry.life is supposed to be full of joy.

Merrywey's picture

your daughter deserves to grow up in a home where her mother is loved and respected and where her safety is never in question.  Your DH is failing to parent all of his children and he is not being a good husband to you.  You deserve much more & so does your daughter. He is raising his two older children to be unlovable yet expects you to love them unconditionally and that is just wrong.

daisyduke's picture

Thank you for your kind words! 

I have told him that the baby is also his and her safety and well-being should be well above his older children’s feelings. The two -safety vs feelings- should never be compared. He’s worried that by isolating the baby they will feel hurt. 

And I feel like at any moment my child could get fatally hurt. I’m terrified to look away for one second. 

What does one do in that case? I don’t even know how he would ensure the baby’s safety. Aside from lame leaving every time they are at our house...which he still wants us all to spend time together and I have zero desire. 

SteppedOut's picture

If you are scared to look away for fear they will hurt your baby something has to change. Has to. As mentioned I 100% get it, as I have been though it. 

You leaving while they are there is not an option, baby has to nap and feed regularly to grow properly. If you are nursing it is even more difficult to just leave... are you supposed to nurse in the car? Jesus, I DID do that and it was HARD. Also, car seat is not a proper sleeping environment. 

You are right. Feelings should not trump safety! I'm not sure why some are unable to get that. Just because the other kids "came first" does not make them more important!

daisyduke's picture

She is EBF. I have taught her to sleep in her own crib and there she rests the best. She’s on a pretty strict napping schedule because if she isn’t she gets cranky. I bought a carrier with the sole purpose of going out and strapping her to my chest...it’s hard to fall asleep there but once done, she can sleep for hours on end.  And I cannot even tell you how many times I’ve nursed in the car. 

Its an all around sucky situation and ultimately I have to make some definite decisions. 

I think I am going to suggest counseling for just a little while, especially now that he’s giving her custody. But I have a deadline in mind which if things aren’t better with him, im

gone. I gabe up on skids. I don’t expect them to behave better, but I expect hubby to back off and spend the entire weekend out with them and leaving me alone with the baby so we can continue to be in peace. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

of dad and marriage until the 2 of you got married. Prior to that, they had not experienced dad as a married type person. Hence  asking why he was not married to their mom, was probably just a normal outcome of a changed situation.

You suggest that there are many reasons why you and this man should not have married, and clearly you do not like the city in which you live.

Perhaps both of you are recognizing that but for the pregnancy this is not a marriage that should of or would have happened.

Maybe  you guys are unhappy for all of the reasons that this marriage should of not have happened. The children are likely just the easiest target for both of you to latch on to as a way of expressing your dissatisfaction with the marriage.

In essence, he may be saying I want out of this because you do not like my children; you are saying ,I want out of this because of your children.

When distilled, the real message is likely that this marriage has run its course and you both want out. The issue over the kids is just a  symptom of a larger problem.

daisyduke's picture

I do agree with what you’re saying mostly. It was way too fast, and we were definitely unprepared. We do/did both have the desire to make it work. I’m having many doubts because I’ve gotten to the point where not only am I uncomfortable in my own home, but I fear for my child’s safety. I have mentioned to him before that he always insinuates that he wants a divorce and he’s trying to get me to take the decision...exactly what his ex did to him. And I have a feeling he feels so guilt for having raised his kids in a broken home and he eats having to do it again. I also know he would give me full custody and he knows I am the type of person who won’t stay tied down to a place, I will happily make my suitcase and even leave the country. And he fears not seeing the baby ever again. I think that’s why he’s staying. Or it could be that now with the change of custody he is extremely emotional, albeit, understandable. I am not a very emotional person and I’m getting really tired of his ups and downs. 

susanm's picture

If you split when he is not willing to give you custody, he will have the baby alone with these kids without you there to run interference.  And you will be unable to move from the area without a fight.  If you really think he would sign off on giving you sole custody now, you might want to give serious thought to taking it while the taking is good.

daisyduke's picture

That’s the other thing keeping me from leaving...if he ever has overnight at the same time as his kids, she could be seriously hurt. Just because we will not married anymore, won’t stop his kids from being jealous. The baby will get daddy’s attention, and especially the middle child will just not deal with this. And at least now I can control the situation...miserably but she’s safe with me around. 

Because he sees his kids through rose colored glasses he would be willing to go i the shower or something and leave the baby on the floor near them...my heart reaches my throat just thinking about it. 

Mi he has said that he would give me full custody because he knows I’m a great mom and I love my child to death. But he has a bad temper and has had moments where he has told me to not mess with him because he would make my life miserable. 

I keep debating in my head over this issue and go so far as to think, well I haven’t worked in over a year, I don’t have any kind of savings whatsoever...I used my entire savings amount to pay bills food clothes for his kids home things etc. I don’t know anyone where we live. I would have to leave the state to be with family.  I cannot see a judge saying that considering all the above factors i should be forced to stay in the state. I serisouly wish someone would just slap me and tell me directly what to do. 

 

SteppedOut's picture

His kids are trying, repeatedly, to hurt your baby. Your husband knows it, but really isn't doing much to take care of that problem... has therapy for skids been suggested? 

That should be enough of a slap.

When I left I hadn't worked since my baby was born...I had wanted to, but formerSO gaslighted me into not working. PROMISED he would take care of my bills. When I left all of my bills (including my MORTGAGE) were 2 months behind! I had 300$ (my savings had gone to bills...and stuff for rotten skids that he was supposed to pay me back for but hadn't). 

I got a job and got caught up. I still have to rebuild my savings. I'm not going to lie, it was HARD the first couple months (he wouldnt help with support at all because he didnt want to make it easy for me to leave and convince me to come back - it took almost 8months to get state enforced child support enforced, and he lied so isn't even paying much now).

But! Even the first few months that it was financial crunch time were SO MUCH BETTER than having to constantly worry about the safety of my baby!

If you really want to leave, and think that is the only way to ensure the safety of your baby (and your SANITY), you can do it!

rocksandrolls's picture

OMG yes to this I had the same thing happen. Asked not to get a job and be a mom, tried that, asked for money, got NOTHING. Now scrambling to get income to take care of my child and myself. 

STaround's picture

I am sorry you went through your savings, but I do not think a judge will let you have primary custody and leave the state unless your ex were to agree to it.  The  most they would likely do is mandate supervised visitation, or no visitiation when he has the other kids there (and even that is unlikely).

SteppedOut's picture

I left the state.  It was a different for me, because we were not married - not that he didnt try! (I would not because issues needed resolved before I was willing to take that step; issues were never resolved...just ignored). My house was in a different state, so it was logical that is where I went. 

Could you "go visit" family in another state? Make it an EXTENDED visist? Encourage him to take skids to therapy regarding jealousy issues that are turning into dangerous behavior? 

Also, try and talk to him about this via text so you have record of the dangerous behavior and him admitting skids have to be watched at all times with baby to prevent something from happening. 

 

STaround's picture

I think that is kinda like what Katie Holms did, moved, with Tom's consent, before filing.  It takes money to do this, you need a home, or be able to pay for one at new location before you file and you need to get him to agree to your being there.  Not always possible. 

daisyduke's picture

I am currently out of state because I needed a break. I’m going back in a few days but after a few weeks I leave again. 

I do have those messages via text for the same reason, I wanted to be able to prove I’m not crazy, should that be necessary. 

I suggested therapy as well bc he had a chat with BM about their behavior. According to him the BM cried when she heard it. He suggested therapy to her and was told that if you take a child to therapy you’re telling him they’re broken so that’s a most definitely not. Idk. If my daughter *God forbid* turns out like that, I’m taking her straight to therapy at the first sign. 

SteppedOut's picture

If I was you I would keep extending the visit for one reason or another... while pushing for therapy for skids for the safety of your baby. Keep it going long as you can. Get your drivers license changed to the state you are in. Start looking for a job. State laws vary, but from what I understand 6 months sets precedence. 

daisyduke's picture

My license is still from Texas where my family is. I never changed it. And coincidentally I got married here. So I am going to look into all this and have a plan in motion. I need to make sure I’m not dragging my daughter through the mud with me. 

SteppedOut's picture

Another thing to consider... your husband probs won't want his kids bad behavior brought up in court (I know mine didn't). And if the court thinks therapy for skids before in home visitation...how's that going to work since their mom won't allow it? Just a couple things to think about...

Curious Georgetta's picture

Yourself if the 2 of you would want to be together?  Is this the husband that you want, and are you the wife that he wants? Is this the marriage that either of you want?

If you both are invested in trying to save your marriage, then you should seek counselling.

 

rocksandrolls's picture

I totally get you, and am in a similar situation. I have thought how I could stay in this to protect my kid from his step siblings. I haven't figured it out yet, and it's torture all the way around. I feel you. So sorry. I have nightmares of my ss slipping my toddler medicine, or pushing him in the pool, etc. It is a nightmare. Especially when dad turns a blind eye and puts his loyalty with his first kids even though they are older people capable of protecting themselves. Wondering if possible to request seperate weekends? Or request a nanny be present during dad weekends? I've racked my brain. 

Dogmom126's picture

Sorry to break it to you, but your SKid is a budding sociopath. Do you have full custody? I would tell your husband he can conduct his visits outside of your home, or you and the baby need to move out.

daisyduke's picture

He shares custody of his, but is given her 80% this month. We have agreed that he will do once per week plus every other weekend with them.(overnight). And those days, Saturday he will either be out of the house or I will. Most likely him bc baby needs her schedule. Sunday’s it’s church—-if I want to only—- and then lunch out then supposedly he’s out all day. We haven’t tried it yet, but I cannot wait to see how it goes. I’ve already signed up for groups on fb with mommies in the are sink can go to events when they are there. 

rocksandrolls's picture

is it possible to get a nanny cam to document any behavior to keep in your back pocket in case you need proof? Nanny cams are so standard with babies - they cost a little, but could be worth it if you ever want to request supervised visitation. Also one thing to note - may be a bit encouraging? My DH seemed to get fonder of my baby the older he got and in turn became a little more protective. He still favors his first kids when it comes to siding with baby safety v first kid ego's, but it's a small bit better now that he's 2.

New_to_this's picture

I think you do need to seek some counseling, get a camera in your house, and have written documentation of any attempts at harming your baby. I think it'll help you in the future when seeking full custody of your baby.

thinkthrice's picture

1000 times.  Document his budding sociopath/felons.  I don't know how you ladies do it with an "us"  child that gets abandoned  immediately upon conception  due to the first family priority or having your own bios in these situations along with the non parented guilty/disney guttersnipe skids!

Rags's picture

I suggest Web Cams. Even a clueless parent can’t argue with video footage of an evil little shit choking a dog or baby.

I am sorry that you and your baby are exposed to this evil crotch dropping and hope  that you can get your DH to gain clarity.  

Take care of you and yours.

daisyduke's picture

i have no way of catching her on camera without risking my child’s life. I’d have to walk out of the room to get it on video. 

Plus, now he’s giving majority custody to his ex and when they are with us I make myself scarcer he goes out with them all day long. We really only see them at night, just before the baby goes to bed. 

That being said...while I was at my parents house, I thought getting counseling would be a good way to go but seeing how he talks to me I have decided to file for divorce. 

We are in the process of moving houses and I told him I felt better about going into a new home because this place was always tense for me. He had a previous marriage and a family in this house and it’s never felt like my place. Now that we’re going into a new place, it will feel like ours. And he raised his voice and angrily said it was his girls home too. I didn’t even suggest otherwise, he’s just so angry at me for not loving them that that’s all he sees. Later, while I was putting the baby to sleep I suggested to him to start telling the baby he’s dada if he wants her to say his name first because papi is hard. He once again angrily said...NO. I am papi. That’s just who I am and that’s what ALL of my girls are going to call me.    Like he took it that I was somehow trying to separate out his kids. Wtf!! 

 

I cannot not speak freely in my house about anything. I told him that the bed his girls have, won’t fit in their new room because it’s a wooden bunk and massive. He got pissed off. Literally, if I make suggestions about then he jumps up to defend them, even though I’m not attacking. 

Based on all the advice I’ve gotten from everyone in here and some members of my family, usually things will get much worse. And if they misbehave even more and if we fight about then even more I will resent them and even hate them. I am starting to resent them already because I now see them as the source of our fights. 

 

That being said I’m gathering evidence in writing and recordings so I can reach court with a pocket full of weapons to get full custody because over my dead body is my child going to be left alone with that little monster of 7 year old.