confused

critterbug68's picture

I'm honestly not sure what to do. I've been living with someone who has three children with his ex, they are 16, 14, and 12. They share joint legal, physical custody. The 12yo was having issues at her mother's house, so her mother thought it would be a good idea for SD to come live with us temporarily (30 days). Temporarily started two weeks before Christmas and she is still with us. I don't have an issue with her being with us, since I know it is what is best for her.I know I am very wrong, but the issue is that the DH has repeatedly told me that his daughter is is priority, she is his focus. She lied to me about something stupid the other day, and when I told him it bothered me, he said "I know you think she is lying to you, but I don't know how to help you with that". My translation is "I don't believe you". I'm really just not sure what to do anymore. I feel like he does not support me when I tell him something is bothering me, and if it came down to it, he would definitely choose the kids over me. I have NEVER ever given him an ultimatum and I never would, but I think I know where I stand. Just not sure what to do. Am I being overly sensitive or selfish? I get that his daughter is having a hard time, and I do my best to make sure she is ok. I'm not trying to sound selfish, I am far from a selfish person. In fact, I have been the one spending the most time with his daughter because he was working nights. As I said, I'm confused..Any advice is appreciated...

furkidsforme's picture

Start off by reading StepMonster, a book about step-parenting dynamics. These dynamics are very common, and the book opens up some easier dialog with your DH about what he is thinking and feeling vs what you are thinking and feeling.

It may be hard for him to recognize that he automatically disregards your claim of a lie, yet if you were the birth mother he would likely not hesitate to yank SD up on the lie and discipline her. It is very hard for the Dads to see that they inadvertently self-creates most of the friction in a household.

luchay's picture

Yes, that really happened.

His first day back at work after 9 weeks off with a broken collar bone and I started bleeding. It was a Friday. I let him know I was bleeding and worried, and was putting my feet up for the day. He couldn't come home because he'd had to fight to be allowed back to work and was lucky to still be there due to his injury.

It was Friday. Supposed to be skid weekend. Would have been nice if he could have gone "hmmmm, luchay is bleeding and probably miscarrying - probably not best idea to bring the skids who hate her to our house this weekend"

But no. He finished work, picked up the skids, spent some alone time with them and got home around 7.30. Next day I was up early as I was by then cramping and bleeding heavier. He, dd's and the skids were all still asleep. DD;s got up and I told them to get ready for dancing. Got him up and told him it was happening (the miscarriage) I asked him to take the kids elsewhere. (hoped he would think to take his home and the dd's to my older dd's house) but no, he just took mine to dancing, sd14 to a friends and played tennis with ss11. Then they had a bbq at the park. got home about 9pm, ss had stubbed his toe so OH practically carried him inside and started barking orders at me to get the Dettol/cotton buds/bandaids etc.

No we are no longer together. The crunch came two weeks later when he tried to throw me down the stairs and called me a fucking lying bitch. Because I told SD that she is not allowed in mine or dd's rooms or to touch our stuff without OUR permission.

He now has an IO against him and goes to court on the 17th on assault charges.

luchay's picture

Its ok, he was carrying the wounded soldier... and I know where all the medical supplies are.

And he was focussed in the moment because someone he loves was in pain. As opposed to me.

Its ok really. I have processed it now. As best you can :O

critterbug68's picture

tonmar is correct, it's not all the time. But, right now it feels like everything revolves around him and his daughter. EVERY DAY something else comes up with the ex. Maybe I'm just tired of dealing with the ex's drama. I understand his daughter is going through a tough time and needs him right now, but at what cost to our relationship? I also believe his daughter knows exactly what she is doing and is manipulating the situation. She has daddy's unwavering attention, something she wasn't getting from her mother because of (she feels) her mother's new husband. I do believe that his kids will ALWAYS come first. I have children too, but they are older, and when he has a concern about them, I don't just brush it off. I listen and talk to my kids about it.

critterbug68's picture

Let me also add, Step-daughter is supposed to go with her mother every other weekend during this "temporary" arrangement. DH was told by his ex that SD will not be going to her mother's until she can learn to respect the other adult in her house, which is her new husband. The new husband has said some very derogatory things about DH to SD, and NEVER apologized. SD hasn't forgotten that, and that is where some of the issues lie. BM is NOT, in my opinion, working on rebuilding her relationship with her 12 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER.

Rags's picture

If your SO is one of those parents and partners who is on the "kids are the top priority" circus then I would suggest that he needs clarity and now. And so do you.

IMHO the marriage/adult relatiohship at the heart of any family, blended or otherwise, is the unequivical, uncontested, and sole priority for both partners or it is not worth being it. Kids, regardless of their biology, are the top responsibility but never the top priority.

That is the message that my dad gave me when I was a kid/teen during my struggles and that is the platform that my bride and I have based our 20+ year marriage on. Sure the Skid (SS-22) frequently got the focus and was always our top responsibility but never was he our top priority above each other and our marrage.

If your SO won't make you and the relationship his priorty then give him clarity or cut your losses as early as possible and move on.

IMHO of course.