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Conflicting Personalities

Mightbeme's picture

I have a SS9 who I just don’t get along with well. I think it’s just conflicting personalities, but I don’t know what to do about it. He is hyper, dances around like a fairy or twerking at times, screeches, and tells weird jokes that I don’t understand. Not as I’m unintelligent don’t understand, but as in they’re just not funny. Everyone thinks he’s just so funny and cute where I think he is annoying and obnoxious. I’ve tried hard to get along and understand him, but it’s so hard. Does anyone have any suggestions? Anyone else experience this?

Crspyew's picture

As in a mythical being? 

Aunt Agatha's picture

Why not enrol him in dance classes?  Ballet is freaking hard work.  It might take some of the energy off and give him some focus.

 

Gelid3664th's picture

I have no B kids and wasn't raised with kids in the family. I now have a SS10. I don't really find kids entertaining, cute and I don't care to listen to them sing. If I had Bkids it would probably be different but I do not find kids fascinating or cute.  Sounds like SS just has a lot of energy and needs an outlet. My SS loves running. So he chases the dog and runs around in circles around the couch. I have found that children love hitting a balloon back and forth across the room. Out of all the things at the house those balloons win every time. Maybe playing something like that (balloon) will help his energy and give you guys something to bond/have fun with. Twister, Jenga and building blocks that ultimately fall when stacked too high are quite the entertainment for them. Foam swords playing knights, in house basketball (small) and throwing cards in a bucket. That's what we do from time to time. 

Mightbeme's picture

He does have a lot of excess energy. H and I have 6 kids combined. The oldest is 19 and out of the house. My SS9 who I’m talking about has a lot of siblings/playmates, we have a dog, we put him in jiu jitsu, and I make him put his phone and go run around outside to burn off the energy. 

We play banana grams together, board games, and such together. It’s just the know it all attitude,  the constant lying, constant noise making, and weird movement. He thinks he’s so hilarious. He does have a lot of energy, but he’s doing it for attention. I just don’t think he’s cute or funny.

It doesn’t help that my son who also is 9 is the complete opposite, and his personality I can relate to. I grew up with cowboys so it’s hard for me to connect with my SS. It just grates on my last nerve when all day everyday is “Look at me!”

tog redux's picture

My DH would have told SS to knock it off if he did any of that stuff - he's just showing off and attention seeking, and it's not necessary.

Indigogo's picture

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somethingwicked's picture

If he was19 and acting hyper "look at me" stuff I'd be worried he was  drugging.How long have you been with your SO/H and known his 9 year old ?Is skid behavior something new or is this his baseline? What does his father think? 

 You mention weird movements /noise making.He cold have developed Tourette Syndrome as he falls into the age range ,boys  are more commonly  affected and the descripion fits. 

If skid has been to the pediatrician and everything checks out then perhaps  his baseline is that he is high energy, maybe a child who wants to perform  ,dance ,act etc.

Mightbeme's picture

DH and I have been married for 8 yrs. I would say it’s the baseline for SS. Constant noise is him either always talking, humming, screeching, singing, or any form of noise accompanied with dancing, jumping, towering, etc he can make to interrupt everything else in the house to get everyone’s attention on him. 

I jokingly told DH that we should put him in a drama class instead of martial arts. DH said absolutely no the kid needs some form of masculinity in his life is the most loving joking way.

Winterglow's picture

Why not do both?

Is your DuH always so narrow minded? 

Crspyew's picture

So the real issue is he isn't a stereotypical boy?  You've danced all around it --moving like a fairie, you are used to cowboys and your husband's remark on masculinity.  You don't have conflicting personalities.  why not put him in dance class to let him run off all that energy with the other "fairies"?

Gimlet's picture

Yep, it's the current running under everything that's being said.  There is nothing wrong with putting the kid in drama and dance class.

Has dad taken the child in to the doctor to find out if he's ADHD or another diagnosis like PP have asked?

tog redux's picture

Cripe, I didn't even pick up on the homophobia. I was just picturing how annoying a screeching, twerking fairy could be (the Tinkerbell kind - well, both kinds, really).

sunshinex's picture

I get it. I think at the end of the day, we're all people and we either "click" or we don't. This happens with biological parents as well, but usually, they have that unconditional love to make it not as noticable. But I know my dad definitely "clicked" better with me than my siblings. I know he clicks better with my son than my stepdaughter but his wife clicks better with her than my son. It's just how it goes. 

I don't necessarily "click" with my stepdaughter either. I love her, but I do find her quite... lame sometimes lol. She asks annoying questions like "what does a chocolate chip sound like" and makes strange faces, does silly dances, etc. to get attention and I find it a bit off-putting and I know a lot of other people do too. I just don't find our personalities to "click" very well, and to me, that's ok. I still be kind and loving to her. 

 

Mightbeme's picture

All of the comments (much appreciated) have really got me thinking. My DH doesn't believe in ADHD (he thinks it's a generic term for an underlying issue). I don't think he's a homophobe, but guys get weird with their own sons (no offense meant). I've wondered myself, but he's 9? I think drama or dance is a better choice, but DH won't hear of it o er martial arts. Maybe I should keep dropping the idea at the right time? Basically not everyone will always "click". I try everyday... patience is a virtue they say, and I'm the grown up, right? Be the bigger person. However, after reading all the comments I'm trying to develop something that works for me as well. After all, it's my house too and I don't have to cater to an attention seeker. 

sunshinex's picture

No, you really don't have to cater to an attention seeker. I have a positive relationship with my stepdaughter but I still tell her "that's enough, can you go play in your room or color or something?" when she's being attention-seeking/annoying. I just say it in a polite, light-hearted way and off she goes. It's great lol 

Growing up, I don't recall my parents (or any of my friends parents for that matter) pretending to think we were interesting all the time. That's definitely a new thing. My parents would tell me to shut up or go play outside all the time lol 

Rags's picture

My SS was a bit of a twinkle toes when he was a young boy.  He would rather dance on the baseball field and play with dandelions than pay attention.   He was a hell of a hitter though.  It was odd. He had great hand eye coordination.  I worked with him on his skills at whatever sport he was doing.  Baseball was okay but not his favorite thing.  He was a great swimmer but did not have a particularly developed competitive drive.  Football he understood extremely well and had an uncanny ability to be where he should be on nearly every play but did not have anywhere near the level of aggression he needed to stay safe on the field or to excel.  He drove his football coaches nuts because everyone of them said he had absolutely the best understanding of the game and inherent instincts but the could not rely on him to make the plays he could have fairly easily made if he was more aggressive. He did extremely well in Martial Arts and won an award from the School District for not kicking a kid;s ass when that kid attacked him.  He just paried the kids attack until the attending adults tackled the kid and hauled him off.  

Then... we sent him to Military School.  He immediately was drawn to the precision drill team and excelled at it almost immediately.  He ended up at the National Championships his first season as a core member of the team.  Both years he was on the team he was on the National Championship performance team.   He had no fear.  11Lb spinning rifles with bayonets whizzing by his head and the rest of his body at high RPMs without a flinch. He got hit a few times. carried bruises nearly the whole season and got knocked unconscious once.  He was right back at it.

The dancing fairy tendencies I would say should not be a concern.  He will grow up and those things will change.  Even if his sexual orientation does not adhere to the usual.  

My son is an amazing young man of character, professional performance and standing in his profession and the community where he lives.  He also happens to be gay.   I had inklings that may be the case when he was a preteen.  It never bothered me.  Then into his teens those characteristics faded, he  dated young women though not with any discernable energy or passion.  He came out to his mom and I when he was 22.  He is not in any way flamboyant, he is very masculine, fit and an attractive man.  He gets a lot of attention from both women and men.   But, he is unquestioningly gay.

He struggled with feeling like there was something catastrophically wrong with himself when he was in in later teens.  When he figured it out he went through a couple of years of self contempt and deep personal struggles.  He was so nervous when he came out to his mom and I that though it was over the phone from half way around the world we could hear him trembling.  His mom was completely surprised.  I was relieved.  I had suspected for years and when he was 17 he and I had a discussion that though he was adamant that there was "nothing to talk about" he did ask me to not tell his mom about the web site I found him surfing that "dad, it just popped up. I was looking at these other videos (lady porn) and I swear I must have clicked on the wrong field by accident".  I told him not to worry about it and that if he wanted to discuss anything that his mom and I were there for him.  Interestingly it was about a year later that he had what he calls his startling revelation about being gay. I actually grounded him after the porn discussion, not because of the porn but because he had violated the rules of his computer use which limited his computer use to school work.  In hind site I may have confused him with the grounding though it had absolutely nothing to do with anything but the rule violation.  One of my hindsight is always 20/20 parenting moments.

His epiphany about being gay was an entertaining story when he told his mom and I.  His high school crush/BFF joined him for Spring Break and they went all over the US gulf coast together for two weeks.   They shared a bed, showered together, were affectionate (platonically), talked about everything, etc....  He loved this young woman to death.  They are still BFF soul mates and talk all of the time.

In bed together one night on the spring break trip he was like "OMG, I'm gay!".  As he told his mom and I that story we were all three laughing so hard we were in tears.

The behavior that makes me cringe in your story is the continual attention seeking crap. His energetic flamboyance sans the "look at me" crap does not bother me a bit.

You and DH are going to have to navigate addressing the annoying behaviors while not causing potential issues with the effeminate characteristics. Which may or not be anything.

I share my son's story as an example that kids have the chance of being outstanding adults even when they may struggle as kids.   Even when parents are not perfect.

Evil3's picture

Is your DH a Disney dad? My SS28 was hyper as hell throughout his childhood. He would literally run around in circles yelling with his out of control voice. He was a complete drain, but it was due to DH's total lack of parenting. My SS even got checked for ADHD and hearing loss since he was extremely hyper and loud. Everything checked out as normal, including his hearing and it was determined that all the problems with SS constantly running around, screaming, screeching, making noises, talking frenetically and losing control of his voice was because he wasn't parented properly. What's your DH's parenting of your SS like in general? Disney parented kids can often be overly hyper and they definitely are major attention whores. They are exhausting to be around.

marmy's picture

I get it .. my SD7 is VERY annoyong .. constantly running, being loud, making very wierd obnoxios loud noises ... and does not stop when asked. She Constantly wants to be the center of attention ... i feel ya honey. Im not sure what to do about it. Ive told SD if your going to act like that, you have to go outside. We dont act like that indoors ... but it isnt backed up ... i get told, she isnt doing anything wrong ... shes just .... 

good luck. If you find a solution, let me know too. 

and no, she doesnt have a medicle problem unless its mental health, which her BP will NOT look into and I get demonized for skirting the issue at all. 

Redfire04's picture

Where is your SS's Bio Dad? To me, it seems that the boy has spent too much time with his mum and not enough time with his dad which makes it really hard for you. I am in similar situation where my wife labels her son as "artsy" and I see him as weak young men at 14 who has troubles fitting in. He plays piano and sings....I like racing, hunting, sports, travel and so on. So when I see a "snow flake" who is different from other kids I think that the parent has failed.

Merry's picture

Your DH doesn't "believe in" ADHD? That's like not "believing in" cancer. Ok, don't believe in it, but here it comes anyway. THis kind of thinking makes me crazy -- mental health is so easily dismissed, underfunded in research and insurance coverage, misunderstood, and I'll stop there. AND YET, when some crazy ass person shoots up a school it's dismissed as a "mental health" issue that "somebody" should have "done something" about. And we go on with our lives.

Sorry for the rant, but people don't get to dismiss facts for their convenience.

Has your SS been evaluated? Having a diagnosis of ADHD doesn't mean he's going to be drugged into zombie land, but he might get some behavioral help and support.

Rags's picture

While I understand that ADHD and mental health issues are an actual thing, I do believe that they are way over Dx'd in kids and often are just excuses for crappy parenting.

Far too often the syndrome of the month is bullshit and misapplied to make shitty parents feel better about their ill behaved spawn and to provide an excuse for crappy parenting.  

IMHO of course.

Merry's picture

Oh, yes, but there's a big difference between not believing in ADHD (and therefore not getting help for it if that's the cause of the behavioral issues) and believing that ADHD is over diagnosed as an excuse for poor behavior. You might be absolutely right about that, Rags.

Maybe it's just word choice, but we don't get to make up our own facts to suit our personal preferences.