Confession of an Step Daughter From Hell
I was that kid. That evil manipulative Step Daughter.
Let me share this with you.. some may be appalled.. I know looking back on it I feel horrible and even reached out to my ex step mom and apologized.. of course this was many years after the damage was done. She accepted and was grateful for my apology and is actually doing quite well.
I was about 5 when my parents divorced - it was ugly, bitter.. kids were smack dab in the middle of it, told everything and used as pawns.
Dad started dating immediately.. Mom ran around and enjoyed her freedom. Kids were second in there priorities list.
Bottom line.. Divorces handled poorly set the stage for serious issues with the kids down the road.
Brother acted out.. got in trouble, shuffled back and forth. Me, I became quiet.. a daddys girl because he was Guilty Daddy and bought me everything and anything I wanted. I was spoiled rotten.
Daddy began to date.. as long as the women kissed my ass and went along with the universe revolving around me I was ok with it.
Then the announcement came that he was getting married and I had a baby brother or sister on the way.. not good. I became angry and resentful. I was about 12 and daddy felt I needed a female in my life.. she tried to be that person. I pulled back. I began to cause fights and daddy always beleived me and took my side. No matter what. I "borrowed her makeup" "relocated her skin creams and lotions".... and lied about all of it "daddy, I didnt do it".. more fights between her and my dad. One day she lost it and went off on me (can you blame her?) I siezed on that moment.. and played it right up.. crying, hyperventilating, so distraught..
I made him choose - not outright.. it was all underhanded, manipulating.. I pouted, moped and clung to him sending the clear message I was oh so sad..
Well, in the end.. she left him because of me. I drove that poor woman out of our house because I was jealous.
How/why did this happen..? Because of a few reasons: the divorce being handled so horribly left me with so much damage and incapable of closure - I couldn't accept it and move on. My guilty disney dad falling right into the pattern so many divorced fathers become a victim of. Last of all, my dad enabling me.. not wanting to put his foot up my ass when I so deserved it out of fear I wouldn't love him or would choose to live with my mom..
I'd be willing to bet a
I'd be willing to bet a million dollars (of which I do not have of course) that my SD14 could've written the exact same thing (but I never left, she did).
It's sad really.. On one hand
It's sad really..
On one hand I feel sorry for these kids because to have this much animosity towards a human being is toxic. Would they be so hateful and jealous if their parents handled the divorce in a better way? What caused this?
My biochild has no such feeling towards her step mom or her step dad - she absolutley LOVES and adores them both. For that I am grateful.
I was a step brat because I was enabled to be a step brat.. no excuses. It is what it is.
My DH and his ex were
My DH and his ex were HORRIBLE the way they handled their divorce. They told SD (then 11) that she could make her own visitation schedule, they never fought or argued (or showed any affection toward each other either) in front of her. They showered her with gifts, allowed her to do as she pleased and allowed her to rule them, their marriage and subsequently, their divorce.
They made little SD believe they were the happiest couple alive and then just WHAM, hit her with their divorce. This shattered her precious, I'm the queen of the universe world, and she didn't take it well at all. At first, Disney Dad came into full effect. He let SD help him pick out and furnish THEIR apartment, they had dinners together every other night, they went out every single weekend. She became his mini wife. It was sad and disturbing.
Then I come into the picture after DH had dated a few women on and off, nothing serious. We met as friends, didn't want a serious relationship, but it quickly became one. SD loved me at first (she'd just turned 12 so for a yr it had been just her and daddy) but when she realized I was planning on sticking around - out came the claws. It got BAD and I did consider leaving. DH was smart though, put his foot down and started actually parenting her. Then, she takes off to BM's, which was what DH feared the most.
She's been at BM's full time now since June, when DH and I got married. She can stay firmly wedged up BM's and BM's boyfriend's ass for the rest of my life for all I care. I'm over her, her manipulation, lies, evilness and total lack of regard for how badly she's hurt her loving father.
And you are 100% sure she is
And you are 100% sure she is wedged up BM's ass?
Duplicate
Duplicate
The issue is that no parent
The issue is that no parent has actually parented and this kid has been allowed to run feral rather than her father putting his foot down and remaining firm.
Even worse, I hope your bio
Even worse, I hope your bio daughter does this to you in ever relationship you enter... our other children has to suffer because of this behavior...
My SD did the same things you
My SD did the same things you did, but my husband did not always side with her. Now she lives with BM and we are much happier. If your Dad had stuck a boot up your ass, he may have been a lot happier. If you are about to be a SM as your moniker says, you will get exactly what you deserve back. You may have had a "come to jesus" moment with all of this, but I guarantee you deserve a lot more. Also, sounds like you are making excuses for your behavior. I guarantee none of what my SD did, is all her fault either...
Sorry, but my SD cost us thousands and practically destroyed our household. No sympathy or gratefulness, that you have discovered you were wrong....
Wait what? Making excuses?
Wait what? Making excuses? Not sure I get what you are saying...
I shared this to show what skids are capable of and how we can (as their parents) head it off at the beginning - the divorce.
I have gotten some of this back (Karma) with my skids, however, I see it long before it happens and work to identify and correct.. experience pays off.
I am not looking for sympathy or gratefulness... just sharing what I did and how wrong I was.
You are blaming your behavior
You are blaming your behavior on your parents reaction to their divorce. The blame lies solely on you. We are responsible for our actions...
I appreciate you getting it now, but the damage is done. Your father lost his wife....How does he feel about your revelation?
and her brother or sister got
and her brother or sister got to go thru his/her paretns getting divorced, too. nice. real nice. i think the sibling deserves a huge apology and dad needs to be informed that sm was never the problem.
Well.. as it turns out the
Well.. as it turns out the kid wasn't his.. and she actually had an affair while they were married..
Sooo.. all in all even though I was dead wrong, it all worked out for the best.
I did tell my dad everything.. and her. She accepeted my apology and was over it. My dad, he accepted it too and understood how him being disney dad and having "my kid can do no wrong" syndrome was just all wrong.
Never blamed, I was wrong.. completely wrong. I was acting out.. hateful.. I went to years of counseling and beleive me.. I take full responsibility for what I did.. but I would not have done any of this had I not been damaged by a horrible divorce that there was not closure from and enabled to be a brat. I needed help and eventually a foot up my butt to get my head out of there.. no excuses. Kids cope in different ways.. I was 5 when my parents divorced.. I had years of not understanding and being exposed to nasty adult jabs at each parent.. kids are incapable of processing this stuff at such a young age..
i'll give you credit for
i'll give you credit for owning your behavior and admitting it was horrible. what i don't buy is the excuse of the divorce. my parents were never actually together, they just got together a few times in a couple of years and produced 2 kids out of irresponsibility. my mom got married to my sf when i was 5, and he was the meanest bastard i've ever met. very abusive to all of us. i didn't have a cotton candy and rainbows kind of childhood either, and i still never tried to destroy anyone over it.
I would have not accepted
I would have not accepted your apology. Did you behave the same way at your biological mother's house?
When stepparents try to be parents to their stepchildren and actually teach them something, they get criticized. You hear people saying " They are not the children's parents, so they should not do anything in regards of educating the kids". Yeah, right...let the poor kids walk all over their stepparents...especially the stepmothers.
Are we at fault for your parents getting divorced and you being shuffled back and forth between 2 households.
I would have not allowed you to play me like a fool and blame me for your parents' divorce.
Now that you are a stepmother you would not like your stepchildren disrespect you, right?
Well, I suppose she was a
Well, I suppose she was a bigger person than you. She accepted my apology and actually blamed my father for allowing me to be such a brat. You see, if he would have parented me, I would have stopped.
My dad did nothing. He "allowed" her to parent me.. to an extent, but always took my side and undermined her. So began the game and disrespect. I was taught zero respect for my step mom. Both by my dad undermining and my mom's constant negative comments about her.
What do you mean, my behavior had nothing to do with the divorce? I lived it and went to counseling and hell yes, the nasty divorce caused me to act out. Get a grip.
I never blamed my step mom for what happened.. did I say it was her fault?
In fact, I accepted full responsibility for all my actions - never justified or said it was right. Only stated that there were factors involved that contributed.
My stepkids do disrespect me and I am backed fully by my DH when they do. My experience has taught me how to handle this and also be understanding of where this behavior is coming from.
Your honesty is really
Your honesty is really helpful. I do think many kids will naturally act like this if there is no accountability. If I let my 5 yr old (very spirited) run the show, he would be obnoxious. He would also be obnoxious to other people. It is the parent's responsibility to discipline their kids and not allow them to mistreat others. Guilty dad often have a very hard time doing this.
If my DH had confronted his daughter about her irresponsible behavior, we all would have been much better off.
Of course you bear some responsibility, you've acknowledged that voluntarily. I agree with you though that your dad's failure to parent you allowed your bad habits to run the show.
If I were to get a divorce and do the same with my son (do nothing). He would run ramshod over everyone. Because I discipline him consistently (consequences, hardly ever spank) his behavior and respect has improved greatly. It would be my fault if I failed to discipline him.
(No subject)
This post infuriates me. You
}:)
This post infuriates me.
You need to realize this- both this girl's father and YOUR husband have a daughter that they should care for. It is a LEGAL and MORAL principle to take care of your children. A man who walks out on his daughter can cause irreversible damage that, if you are not sensitive to, is concerning. You should not marry a man with absolutely ANY intention of him leaving his children or especially his wife. If both are the case then good riddance to you.
Some daughters are more unpredictable than others. That is a fact of life. You must put yourself in her shoes. She is hurt. And she wants her dad. This girl may not be easy to handle, but if she feels like you are taking her father away, then her animosity towards you will grow.
I literally joined this website just to reply to your comment. Both girls need someone to stand up for them.
If you're really that insensitive to this poor girl, then she isn't the one who needs a boot in her ass.
Sayonara- contemplate taking your own life please.
Wake up savingscarlett. Poor
Wake up savingscarlett. Poor girl my rear end. Caring for your children does not mean allowing them to be disrespectful. PERIOD. Standing up for daughters means teaching them respect and how to treat others. Life is not easy nor perfect and things always change. These daughters need to learn to love their Dads no matter who he is with and wake up and realize that your dad does not belong to you and you are not (nor should ever be) in charge. Stop manipulating for once and try telling your dad that you support him and love him and who he chooses to marry. I am sure these dads will love their daughters no matter who they choose to be with. Relationships take effort from all, and yes, that included the daughters too. We as parents are here to teach our children, not be their pawns. Sometime tough love is best. I have been the step daughter and daddy's little girl and when I gave attitude my parents and step parents did not put up with it. I respect them more because they put me in my place and never let me get anything close to what has been in this post. So stop the poor girl crap and start teaching your children some manners!
And now here you are. On a
And now here you are. On a venting site for stepparents. An apology that is more than likely too little, too late.
I hope your stepkids don't you put you thru such a hell, because that's probably what you deserve and may very well be the only way you will ever know what you did to your fathers marriage.
I am bracing myself for this hell as well. I am already seeing the underhanded manipulating going on from my 12 yr old SD. I however, will be the one to chose. I won't give SD that power. I will chose whether or not to stay when things start going south.
What I did was WRONG.. so
What I did was WRONG.. so wrong.. Believe me, I know it..
Only shring what I did and how we, as parents and as step parents can head this off.
I'm 40 years old now and reached out to, and apologized when I was in my 20's - not just when I became a step mom..
The problem is as stepparents
The problem is as stepparents there is nothing we can do. We can tell our spouses that the kids are doing this and all we are is treated like public enemy number 1. Nothing we can do. It is up to the Bios to parents and for the step kids to grow the hell up and not treat someone like crap.
I agree. Look, it is NOT
I agree.
Look, it is NOT easy to hear your kids is being a manipulative little sh*thead.. I mean, really, come one.. If my DH said that about my daughter I would be defensive.
Bios need to take a step back and realize that kids yearn for their old family and the "steps", well they are seen as a huge roadblock for this dream.. I get that because I FELT THAT about my step mom.
I am thankful that my DH can at times (not always) see what his kids are doing (or trying to do) to me... or our relationship.
No stepchild I know has ever
No stepchild I know has ever given a stepparent hell without reason.
They lost their mom to cancer
They lost their mom to cancer and my heart broke for them. It has been 8 years and getting worse. I am physically and emotionally drained. I have had their back in every situation. Nothing I have ever done is good enough. We have had my SS in counseling for 2 years. He is ok until he hangs out with my SD. Than everything changes so excuse me if I do not agree with you. HD does not side with her. Even if he did, it would not make a difference. If she is not the center of attention all hell breaks lose, pardon my french.
I, for one, am glad you
I, for one, am glad you shared your story. You have given me hope that it's possible that SD14 MAY see the err of her ways and actually be remorseful for all that's she's done to me and DH.
There MAY be hope one day that she'll open her eyes and see the damage. I will likely never get over what she's done and how badly she's hurting my DH, but some small satisfaction will come if I know she's guilty or remorseful for her actions.
Thank you for coming here and posting your story. It truly does make a difference.
I too think it's great she
I too think it's great she shared her story, however, I wonder if at the time, she knew what she was doing.
I can see the defiance in my SDs eyes and I can see the smirk when she thinks she got her way in a situation. At what point do Skids take responsibility for the things they do? After they've caused major damage? After they have torn the marriage to shreds? When do they see what they did? That's my question.
i'm 8 years in with a sd20
i'm 8 years in with a sd20 and she still takes no responsibility for anything she does. when she has been confronted with her past behavior, she still takes no responsibility. no apologies, no nothing. just gets shitty and tells me i should be over it be doing things she wants me to do for her, and then tries to guilt trip about how unhealthy it is for her and fdh if i DON'T do what she wants me to. unfuckingbelievable how she thinks.
Some may never see it. I
Some may never see it. I knew good and well what I was doing.. I just did not see the big picture - which kids probably aren't capable of getting - until I was about 19. I think if someone would have called me out and said "look what you did to YOUR father" instead of "your stepmom" I would have seen it a different way. Maybe if I was seeing it as how I hurt him..
What I suggest is do not show your reaction when SD is around. Never. It gives them power. And when you freak out and get mad (when you have every right to be) it makes you look like a crazy lady.
Stay calm no matter what.. act like nothing is wrong at that moment.. then very calmly talk to DH in private about what happend.. and can he please keep an eye on it.. believe me, you not showing her whatever happend got to you will only cause her to do it again and even on a grander scale.. give her the rope.. she will hang herself with it.
^^^^^Ooohhhhh I like
^^^^^Ooohhhhh I like this.^^^^^^^^
Thank you! You are right, I can totally see how she gets off on me getting angry. So the key is to pretend everything is peachy and then discuss it with my husband in private. I like it.
she gets no reaction out of
she gets no reaction out of me whatsoever. not anymore, hasn't for a few years. i really think that pisses her off to no end. oh well. she is an adult who still acts 12, and i'm over her shit. i'm done playing, i'm done trying, just done. i do what i have to do, and try to forget her the rest of the time. the sucky thing is that she wants my full attention and seems to have no boundaries as to what she will do to get it. i don't understand. she has had something against me from the start, and now that she's grown, we don't have to be a part of each other's lives, so i just don't get why she doesn't enjoy that and leave me alone rather than try to force me to acknowledge her all the time.
maybe she doesn't know what
maybe she doesn't know what she wants.. yet.
Thank you for your post. It
Thank you for your post. It gives me hope that one day my 27 year old SD will one day see how awful she has been. She is the one missing out. She was 21 when I came along. She thought I was great in the beginning and was my biggest fan...until her dad started to change and stopped treating her like his wife. It was not her fault her dad never parented her and enabled her. But she is old enough now to grow up and see how she has been disrespectful of her dad. As soon as he started to change she pretty much said then I will not be a part of your life. She only loves him if he does what she wants. Now she is getting married herself and she has given him the ultimatum, me or her. She has even told him that she does not want him to walk down the aisle. Also that He cannot bring me to her wedding. Wait, all of your other guests can bring who they want, but not your own dad? Think about that for a moment. First of all, she needs to focus on her on life and stop being obsessed with her father. She has made him feel guilty for anything he has ever done for himself or us. We work hard for what we have and our kids have always been provided for. When they ask for something we give it if it is within our means. Shame on her for making him feel bad for doing for us. When I met him he had holes in most of his clothes (which were few) because he said he felt bad if he spent money on himself and not his kids. SHAME on them. You love your parents because they are your parents, not because of what they do for you. She had a messed up childhood. SO WHAT. A lot of us did. I say us because I did too. But I was and am not disrespectful of my parents. Can she be a Bitch, ABSOLUTELY. Do I still love her? Of course. If she came to me today and actually apologized for what she has done, meant it and and actually took her place in the family, as a respectful child (and not the person in setting the rules) then I would gladly forgive her and we could move on to having her a part of our lives again. I do not call her nasty names but I will call it like it is. He treated her like his wife and best friend and that is his fault. She was a teenager and that was not a position she was qualified to fill. So when I came along she was jealous that he no longer consulted her. He never should have in the first place. I was a great when she needed something from me, needed to talk at 3am after a date, wanted to go to lunch, when I cosigned for her new car when no one else could or would. But when I expected her to be respectful, there was an issue. She told her dad "have changed and I don't like it" What that meant was "you have changed and I am no longer in control of you and I am throwing a fit." Sorry to go on....It hurts me to see her be so mean to my husband. And hurts to see him bend over and pine for her. Gives her all the control. He has done it all her life because she has always acted like this. Oh the stories to tell. What I would not give to have an actual conversation with you stepmomsoon about all this to gain insight. To see what you think of what she is doing to us...
Thank you for posting. Do not let the haters make you feel bad. WE ALL Make mistakes. Good people realize it, take ownership and ask forgiveness... I am sure those people have made their mistakes too.
I don't have to think about
I don't have to think about it, I lived it: "She has even told him that she does not want him to walk down the aisle. Also that He cannot bring me to her wedding. Wait, all of your other guests can bring who they want, but not your own dad? Think about that for a moment."
What a barbaric practice that is in the 2017!? That everyone else can pretty much bring their spouse to a wedding, but dad can't bring his wife. Or, if dad does bring his wife, she is expected to sit in the third or back row, away from her husband throughout the entire event, and at the misfit table during the reception. Meanwhile, some other woman (BM), is hooked up with your husband like they are still married or at the very least, like she is the primary wife, pictures are taken sans you, etc., and you are supposed to sit in the corner and stare at your shoes and be a good little girl on the side, similar to the Handsmaid's Tale. This can all be done to you without your permission, or even your DH's, and without any kind of heads-up whatsoever. And, what do people say if you even remotely raise an eyebrow, they say you are trying to "take BM's place." What a crock of shiatsu. No, actually, BM is trying to take your place. You are your husband's wife and not BM. Married people = couple. BM and DH are parents. After the divorce, they are no longer a couple.
I get that SKs want their parents front and center at their wedding, but you never, ever go around denying or disrespecting someone else's marriage in order to obtain this. If you do, you deserve whatever hell and fury may follow. If SKs want to play like mom and dad never split up, you AT LEAST get permission from both dad and dad's wife, first. You don't have dad show up and then without telling him, have the minister tell dad just as the music is starting and all eyes are on the back of the church that now he has to take his ex's hand and walk her down the aisle. Too bad my husband didn't have the balls to laugh out loud the tell the minister he must be joking, and then say even louder, "Good one! Now, who is really going to be walking my ex- down the aisle?"
And, talk about a etiquette fiasco! An invite goes out to dad and his wife stating, "Mr. and Mrs. XYZ." Both are excited and happy to attend. And, then, when Mr. and Mrs. XYZ get there, Mrs. XYZ is stripped from her husband of 10 years, and some other woman is hooked up with DH like she is still married to him. I can't imagine anything more rude than you and your spouse being invited to an event, and then as soon as you arrive, one of you is treated like a ho on the side, while the other one is paired up with some other woman. I'd much rather not to have been invited at all. Anyway, I guess I'm pretty much done with this.
But, I too am glad that the OP posted what she did. Because, from what I've seen, very few SKs, even as adults, get it much less own up to it.
i was please that the wedding
i was please that the wedding was hosted by dh and myself as mister and mrs so and so.
after all he paid for for 98.9 percent of the wedding. bm paid for bridal gown and veil and groom parents paid of rehearsal dinner. right outta emily post.
i was seated next to dh at the ceremony and bm and third husband sat together. it all was civil and cordial but dh was clinging all over sd as he led her down the aisel.
FYI, both my husband and I
FYI, both my husband and I contributed $$ to the wedding too. It didn't make any difference in how we were treated.
Believe me, kids learn at a
Believe me, kids learn at a young age to manipulate. She might not have known that at 5 years old, but later on when she grew older.
Thanks for not bashing me
Thanks for not bashing me like some people on here.
I shared this story with my skids.. sure, they probably don't get it now.. but hopefully one day they will.
I hurt someone.. I am not proud of this and if someone can learn from my mistake - awesome.
What do you think you would
What do you think you would have done if SM stood up to you and didn't take your crappy behavior?
Because I am in this situation now, where very recently, my SD12 has begun to say snarky things and is beginning to pull rank on me.
I am a VERY confrontational person and I am getting ready for battle with this little girl, so I'm asking because I plan to stop her dead in her tracks when it happens again.
proceed with
proceed with caution..
because if you go all whacko (which I know sometimes we all wanna do it) you will just feed into the crazy evil step mom persona they expect and it only fuels DH's fears that you will never love his kids.
be patient and be very open with DH.. instead of accusing his daughter of being a brat, say.. "hey, what do you think she meant when she said _____???" and then tell him how it made you feel and "can he please keep an eye on it."
My DH was so quick to defend his kids.. when I accused with frustration.. after days of just keeping quiet. I changed tactics and asked him to look out for behaviors and little manipluations.. put the ball in his court.. he SLOWLY noticed and got on them.. but only after I was about to lose my mind waiting... lol
I am confrontational too and it was hell letting him take the reins on this.. but if you don't, it will only backfire and work agains you in the long run.
Good luck
Well DH doesn't feel I don't
Well DH doesn't feel I don't love his kids. We've been together over 12 years. His daughter was 3 days old when we met. My SS has been living with us for the past 5 years. I do care for his children. They are an extension of him. However, his daughter is her mothers twin. Both physically & mentally. She struggles with her feelings for me because I know she loves me, but I also know she feels threatened in a way. She'll say things like "Daddy always does what you say."
Or "Daddy jumps thru hoops for you." I can hear the undertone of "thats MY father."
I will however take your advice because it is nice to hear it from someone who actually lived it, so you most definitely know what I'm up against.
I'm getting the same pushback
I'm getting the same pushback too.. with my skids. they say things like "when it was just us, you let us watch this or play that".. whatever.. or the rules are "her rules"..
I can say my DH tells them flat out "when I was single and right after the divorce, I could barely take care of myself and wasn't parenting well. The rules we have now are they right way to do things and they are not her rules - they are our family rules"..
But again.. I had to calmly tell DH they were saying this and here's where it's coming from - resentment. And if he doesn't nip it in the bud it will grow into a monsterous weed from hell.
^^ me too Hypo
i have a 6 yr old step
i have a 6 yr old step daughter she trys all the time to get her dad to be on her side of things and he wont her BM is not in her life never really was my step daughter knows what shes doing she lies constanly,breaks stuff on purpose she can try all she wants to get rid of me but im not going anywhere
This girl is 14. What sort of
This girl is 14. What sort of power does she have over you? Stop blaming all of your husband's problems on the child and look to yourself.
Agreed.. I needed the
Agreed.. I needed the proverbial foot in the rear end big time.
But at the same time, I justified my behavior.. I knew it was wrong.. I didn't care.. I was hurting and I wanted my dad all to myself.
it is amazing to me how you
it is amazing to me how you can get inside our heads and hearts and know every single feeling and thought we have, and know what drives us. you should be doing this for a living. helping people fix their lives by understanding themselves, since you understand so much more from posts and comments on a website than the people writing them know about themselves.
@bi - you are freaking
@bi - you are freaking hilarious.
Thanks, yea.. I was a little
Thanks, yea.. I was a little disturbed by the whole "you are gonna get yours" attitude I was give by the haters.. but oh well.
I am getting mine... my skids are a mess, but you know what?? I get it! I get why they are the way they are and are doing what they are doing.. I'm not playing the game.. I'm ending it.
Yeah, she apologized, but her
Yeah, she apologized, but her stepmother is out of her father's life. Exactly what she wanted. Some stepkids should really appreciate what they are given and not try to blame the mistakes of their parents on the stepparents. Yes, of course, they act out because they feel miserable. But stepparents are not at fault because mom and dad divorced and the kid is no. 10 on their priorities list.
How about that?
Bravo!
Bravo!
You are contradicting what
You are contradicting what the op said. She was accepting responsiblity for her actions, that she KNEW she was doing, and apologized. Yes, it may be human nature, to an extent. But I'm sorry, at some point everyone needs to get on and get the hell over it. It's not right, health or human nature to be sneaky lying, hateful vindictive psychotic bitch or brat after a divorce, or we would all be that way.
She has come to this conclusion, and accepted it, and apologized. and you are telling her not to feel that way? And not to rasped to a blog that she opened the table on, in an attempt to help all of us understand better...
I think Karma only comes in
I think Karma only comes in when what was done was with intent - kids might be the exception here because kids can't comprehend the entirety of the situation. Kids just don't think long term and really are self centered by nature. That's where "parenting" comes in.. you teach kids to look ahead.. you teach kids to be kind and considerate..
You don't allow them to do what I did by being an enabler in denial.
Divorce is hell. Being the child of divorced, bitter parents that play games is twice the hell. Then they remarry when you aren't even comprehending what just happened and are hurting..?? What do they expect?
You are right, I don't deserve to be in another "blended" family, but I am.. and who better to handle the issues than someone with experience
Been reading this thread with
Been reading this thread with a lot of interest.
Let me say upfront to stepmomsoon that I'm not a hater, nor do I want your comeuppance. I'm glad your "experience" allows you to put a stop to a dangerous cycle of homewrecking.
However, I'd just like to ask you about your relationship with your father. You obviously wanted him all to yourself when you were young; you wrecked his marriage intentionally and now you blame him by calling him "an enabler in denial" as if he deserved having his marriage wrecked.
How exactly did you apologise to him? "I'm sorry but... it's your own doing"??? What's your relationship with him like now when both of you know you intentionally destroyed his marriage and happiness?
I ask because my DH's SS32 and SD28 actively tried to sabotage our wedding and are now punishing him for marrying me. When they apologise one day, I wonder whether it'll just be them feeling better about themselves, or whether they truly appreciate that they were working towards their father's unhappiness the whole time.
"Being a parent does not mean
"Being a parent does not mean you just buy the kid whatever they want. It means that you love them enough to be involved, to meet with teachers, to know what's going on with the kid, to spend time with them, to have a trusting relationship with them and to be an active authority figure. Daddees who shove their heads in the sand and write checks contribute to all sorts of dysfunction."
Some BMs do that do. Buy things and treat the kid with no guidance just because they don't want to be regarded as the "bad" parent.
hey, give this chick a break.
hey, give this chick a break. she was a kid when all of this went down, first off....
secondly, I can see where she is coming from.. my parents seperated, got back together, seperated...etc. did I act out? hell yes I did! did my sister? No, because she decided to go introvert instead. How a child reacts to a sudden change in their whole entire world, is different for everyone. OP was jealous and took it out on the SM...I decided to sneak out of the house and run away from police.
everyone is different, but does it exscuse the behavior? no...does realizing what you did was wrong and try to make it right exscuse it, no...but acknowelding it and hoping for forgivness is all that you can do.
I do agree that a divorce can mess up a kid royal, and I do agree that every child reacts to divorce differenlty and yes, I do agree that it is dependant on how the parents handle it. My parents fought like cats and dogs in front of us, causing the police to be called sometimes...My DH and his Ex, decided to not in fight in front of the kids, but BM uses/used the kids as pawns...still-to this day, several years later.
it's sad. but, at least OP can share a story from the other point of view and I respect her for that.
Thanks.
Maybe at heart you were just
Maybe at heart you were just a bitch (at 12 you were old enough to know better).
But your father was the real problem. I'm glad you have been able to let that go. I had a crappy father but as an adult I was able not to hold grudges.
I am suffering the same hell.
I am suffering the same hell. I think I can share what I think with my DH and he is trying to take care about the situation. It´s been 3 years now and he finally got that her daughter is jealous and manipulative.
Our last vacations were horrible. She cried all day, did not talk to me or even look at me at the eyes ignoring me all time and being disrespectful. I talked to my husband about the situation and that it had to change, otherwise I would leave the town and go back to the city alone with our baby.
Well, we had a serious conversation with my SD and she admitted she was jealous. Now back in the city she will go to therapy and may be all to family therapy. :jawdrop:
Five year olds are NOT
Five year olds are NOT responsible for a couples woes. Even 12 year olds w an agenda can be re focused (usually) if parenting cpl stick together. I thought it was nice that you admitted your part in the drama. Its nice to think that enlightenment may be possible.
After reading some of these
After reading some of these hateful comments about what I did as a child I am just shocked at them.
I was a child when this happened. A child that witnessed a bitter marriage, a wicked divorce, my parents dating woes and then all of a sudden my dad is married with a kid on the way, my mom is remarried to a guy I only met once and you think I was equipped to handle all of that correctly and maturely as a freaking pre teen?
Are you out of your damn minds? Give me a freaking break.
How many adults could come out of that with a sound mind and a clear concept of how to handle relationships - especially when your world is ripped apart at age 5?
I was taught disrespect, I was taught to be bitter.. I was taught to be the person I was - a brat. Kids are sometimes aholes to their bio parents.. I was that to my stepmom and so much more.
Did she deserve it? Hell no. Never said she did or that any of this was her fault.
Did she have to accept my apology or even my phone call for that matter? Nope, but she did and was mature and caring.. even though she didn't have to be. She even said she held not ill feelings towards me - she saw it was a messed up situation and she should have never married my father because he was still a mess from the divorce.. wow - ya think?
And no, I don't think I deserve to get the same treatment in return - screw you people for thinking in such a hateful, vengeful way. Thinking like that will get you no where in life.
I know.. it felt like they
I know.. it felt like they were projecting their anger with their skids on to me.. wow!
Kids are kids.. and yes they are perfectly capable of manipulation and lies, but they are still kids. We as parents, and step parents have the job to parent them and teach them right from wrong.
Look, my DH is NOOOOO saint when it comes to parenting his kids. They can guilt him into Disney dad in a heartbeat and believe me, they have on many the occasion.
HOWEVER, he is a dad - a human being that loves his kids and that is perfectly normal. What is not normal is the guilt feelings that divorced dads obsess over. Helping him realize that he is doing them no favors by acting this way is my job.
I refuse to cater to any forms of manipulation and call it out when I see it. BUT what you can NOT do as a stepmom is do it on the spot, in front of everyone with loads of frustration clouding your message. The kids will act damaged and hurt and DH's get protective - it is human nature.
I have had my own psycho step mom moments and let me tell you.. it all backfired. I was totally in the right at what I was seeing and calling out.. but my message was polluted by my frustration and it only made me look like a looney pie.
So, stay calm and take your battles out of the ring and in private where the emotions of the situation do not follow and there are no kids there to intervene. Write things down and be matter of fact. But also state your feelings because they are important.
Good advice! I think this is
Good advice! I think this is also true of being a bio mom. No, you don't have the outcome of a skid trying to capitalize on the situation to gain sympathy, but either way you lose credibility when you lose control. I say this having done it myself!
An author who wrote a book on raising children had a great analogy for this type of situation. He described two police officers. One screaming at a speeding motorist as they went past, screaming and yelling but not giving consequences (officer thinks yelling is the consequence). The other officer (like most real officers) comes up quietly but with authority and hands you a $300 ticket.
Which officer would we respect more? Which would we take more seriously? When kids can get a parent to lose it, THEY are the ones that feel in control because they succeeded in getting an adult to act crazy.
I've learned to swiftly, and with a calm voice, give out consequences as punishment. It works wonders on getting my son to respect me.
I was a step kid, and a
I was a step kid, and a stepdad (soon) and have felt a wide range of emotions from both perspectives.
As for me, I appreciate your candor in how you honestly look back at the person you were then and how you saw your mistakes and truly feel bad - and won't repeat it. I'll bet you'd even have compassion when you see someone else struggling to come to terms with a similar situation.
In my opinion, you're spot-on to say what you did, and I appreciate the honest retrospect you have shared. Maybe some of your nay-sayers will also see the value some day soon.
I believe it was a genuine
I believe it was a genuine apology and I am sure your SM appreciates it but I am hurting so much as a result of the same behavior and on the verge of just giving up after 8 years. I think what so many of them are saying is it hurts so much to give so much of yourself to a child .and get nothing but disrespect in return. I genuinely love my SC but I cannot handle the pain I am feeling nor do I deserve it. I have even purchased books to find solutions to any problems if it is my fault. Honestly, what am I doing wrong?
I think it is great that you
I think it is great that you get what you did now, but the person to blame is your dad for allowing the behavior. I am jaded about this because my SD16 put my marriage through hell. Someday, maybe she will see it, but that is doubtful. All the nights I cried to sleep because of the mess that she and BM caused, makes me feel really bad for your Stepmom to end a marriage...That is awful to live through because of a child. If she has forgiven you than that is all you should need. As for Karma, it always comes back to all of us...
Well, my ex step mom was no
Well, my ex step mom was no saint.. yes, I feel sorry for what I did and my apology still stands and is absolutely sincere.
However.. the kid she was carrying wasn't my dads.. she cheated on him. He found this out when the child was 6. After paying years of child support.. ugh - what a mess
So I guess it all worked out.. I guess.
Nope, I am not judging her.
Nope, I am not judging her. Just giving background.
I thought the same thing.
I thought the same thing. She earned a lot of respect in my eyes for not mentioning the fact that SM was cheating on her dad.
Hmmm.. I do not know.. if
Hmmm.. I do not know.. if there is and someone knows about it, please let me know! I will be more than happy to share this experience.
stepmomsoon, I think it was
stepmomsoon, I think it was brave of you sharing your story, thanks.I can hear that you feel guilty and sad that you caused SM to leave.I believe it comes back to your dad who didn't wanted to see the truth.Although I also , just like you,believe you shouldn't have done all this , he was not acting like a responsible parent and putting you into your place. He probably was stressed and traumatized from his divorce, too, and turned into Disney Dad out of the fear to loose his daughter.Most kids intend to push the boundaries if they are allowed to and it is the adults responsibility to put them up and stick with them.Yes, you are right, you have done the "wrong thing"but your dad should have made sure that you didn't receive all that freedom to do so.I believe you have neither bad nature nor you are a bad person, but in that part of your young life things were allowed to get out of control.
Thanks so much for sharing your story here!!
well this sounds exactly like
well this sounds exactly like my SD13 in fact it's pretty much her however now she has taken to ignoring me which suits me fine .
Thank you stepmomsoon for
Thank you stepmomsoon for this very insightful post. I am going to have to bookmark it so I can re read it time and time again when I start doubting myself!
Thank you for taking the time
Thank you for taking the time to write it all up, SMS, and then to comment on responses.
I enjoyed your posts tremendously.
Do not take the blame-the-child attitude to heart. If you apologized to your SM in your 20s
you must have matured faster than many of your peers.
What is your relationship like with your dad? Is it good today? Do you ever discuss those days?
Did he remarry? Did you get another SM?
Also, what was your mother's attitude to your SM? Do you feel you were
conditioned by her not to like the SM?
I would bve very curious to know that.
You have such a wealth of insight you bring to the table..
My dad and I had a difficult
My dad and I had a difficult relationship.. when I was in my teens, his enabling me to be a brat earlier in life reallly backfired. Plus he developed a drinking problem post divorce that was consuming him.. Combine those two and you have issues..
He did have several "girls" in his life after her.. non were "marriage material" and never stuck around for long.. especially once he filed for bankruptcy.. no money = no hot chicks.
We never discussed those days.. he was spiraling downhill and after many attempts to get him to sober up, I gave up. You can't make a drunk sober up.. it has to be their choice.
My mom, who suddenly wanted to act like a mom to impress her new husband wanted to have me full time.. I moved there.. then after playing house for 4 months she didn't like all the time a teeneager took to parent and all the driving to practices she had to do.. another parent letting me down and treating me like I wasn't worth the time..
She wasn't around much when I was younger either.. on the rare occasions I did see her..she would make comments about the new stuff my step mom was getting and things like that.. so yea, she made little damaging remarks and I'm sure they took their toll in subtle ways.
I think part of the reason I never gave my step mom a chance was I was so damaged, so hurting form the divorce and my mom vanishing for so long.. I wanted MY MOM.. not some substitute.. add that to my dads guilt and you have a recipe for the disaster that ensued.
SMS, I also think it helps us
SMS, I also think it helps us others to understand the kids side better.And it proves that kids are no innocent angels, which some her don't want to believe.I am glad for you that you admit and understand that your behaviour was wrong.However this is the past and you can't change it anymore.It would be good if some of the dads who allow their skids to get away with similar behaviour would read your story to understand what is happening and put their foot down before it is too late.
Thanks for the honesty of
Thanks for the honesty of this post. I was a step-daughter and am now a stepmom. I'm dealing with a situation with my sd like you present. Your post helped validate what I already knew to be true but dh doesn't see. Guilt complex which leads to non-parenting and the results that go with that route. Good for you for apologizing. You can't change the past, and you were hurting. But you did good in admitting and asking forgiveness. I did the same thing with my own step mom in my mid-twenties and it changed our relationship completely. Thanks again for your honesty.
I personally think some of
I personally think some of you are taking your frustrations out on this girl. She's owned up to her mistakes- kudos to her for that. I hope someday that my 3 SDs will own up to their vicious behaviors.
This is an old thread but ...
This is an old thread but ... on the part of the OP this was a ballsy move of character to bare her past and get lined up to gain support for her own blended family adventure. stepmomsoon has a chance to be the best SParent in history considering her history as the Step Daughter from hell.
Good luck to her, her spouse and the Skids.
I don't really know what to
I don't really know what to make of this StepMomSoon....I think I like the fact that you validate what is happy Three Fold in my home....but I don't know if it gives me comfort?
You see, I too was a StepChild too and it never even entered my head to do half the crap that StepChildren do.
I saw my mum and bio father have some wicked rows, blood was drawn. I suppose you would call that a bad divorce?
Yet when my StepDad came into the picture I had nothing but awe for him. I was just soooo glad to have a Dad again.
My household has 3 StepDaughters, we have all been together for over 10 years, the youngest being 2 when I came on the scene. They know no other. YET, they are biatches from hell, they have been coddled not only by their father but their grandparents and aunts and uncles. Poor girls, their mum ran off and left them. They have stolen, smashed, lied, cried, and manipulated their way through life.
I am over them, I am planning my escape. I do not and will not understand this StepChild mentality.
If they grow up and apologise? I will tell them to bugger off
I do not understand the
I do not understand the mentality, either. I was a stepchild for awhile. My big rebellion was refusing to call SF "dad." I was polite to him. I did not think I "owned" my mother so it did not occur to me that he was "taking" her from me. Never in a million years would it have occurred to me to do any of things my own SD does nor what I read of the skids on this forum doing.
I appreciate OP's sharing what was going on in her mind at that time. BTW, I was the same age as OP was when we both became stepdaughters. I appreciated her sharing because I don't get it. She's given some insight.
All it really does is validate, though, what I already knew: don't let them get away with it. They need PARENTING, not guilt.
My mother was no mother of the year by any measure. But she had boundaries. I was a kid. I knew I was a kid. I knew her business was not my business. She was an adult. Adults are in charge. Adults make decisions. Adults are respected at all times, even when I thought I knew everything, there was only so far I would go in my sass to her. And I never sassed my SF. Not even once. I didn't hate him. I didn't want him to disappear. I didn't want bad things to happen to him. I just didn't want to call him dad.
So it's hard for me to understand my SD and OP gives me a little window.
Exactly Chief, but I guess we
Exactly Chief, but I guess we knew our boundaries and we weren't mean spirited?
To have 1 adult allow the destruction of a marriage through the behaviour of their child is absolutely ridiculous. Yes, make no mistake, I do not entirely blame the Skids, because their father has allowed their behaviour. The fact that they know that I do NOT allow their behaviour is a mute point now, it is past that.
You said a mouthful there,
You said a mouthful there, sister, "we were not mean spirited." That's what is so breathtaking to me, how flat out mean-spirited my SD15 is and has been ever since I met her at 12. I think it goes beyond the parenting issue. Better parenting would have helped, but she has something inside her that I don't see in other children. Parenting should have zeroed in on that and helped her learn to become a person of empathy and confidence, but it was there to begin with in a way that most parents don't have to deal with. The lax parenting has just allowed it to swell like yeast. I'm the first person in her life to come along and and say "no, you cannot treat me like that nor anyone else like that either." It's a bit late in the day for her to be getting this lesson.
Thank you so much for
Thank you so much for sharing! This was very touching.
I totally agree with you, the parents are to blame on how they present the divorce to the children. Amen.
DH told the kids that they will be better off with me because "SM is rich", while BM presented her BF in the same way. In the meantime, BM kept feeding lies that she and DH will get back together if things don't work out with us, so the girls try to break us up all the time. They are confused, hurt, thrown in the middle of this, unwanted by all.
Thank God my bios do not have to go through any of this. I am glad you turned out awesome, thanks again for sharing.
I'm going to show this to my
I'm going to show this to my husband so he can see what being a Disney Dad really does to a child. Thank you for sharing this.
Please share his reply. Hate
Please share his reply. Hate to tell you, but he will most likely laugh it off as fiction writing or that you wrote it, etc. I won't even waste my breath on sharing anything kid related to DH. If his attitude is "When is BM here to pick them up soon?,, I got nothing to work with.
On second thoughts, I
On second thoughts, I realized my post shared way more information than I want out there in the public domain and can only cause me more grief.
To abbreviate. My daughter made mine and my wifes (her step mum) lives hell through lying an manipulating to the point we have moved a great distance away from her and neither of us have much desire to have her in our lives until such time she can actually take responsibility for how she affected our lives to benefit herself.
Wow, I am glad that you
Wow, I am glad that you apologized for the wrongdoing you did to your ex SM and that she has been able to move on from that relationship. Children are only children and as adults we can not expect them to act as mature as we are or as we should act. My ss is very disrespectful and have admitted to me that he does things to make me mad,smh. Although it hurt and it also felt good knowing I wasn't going crazy lol. However it is something I am trying to deal with (his behavior) I don't see myself going anywhere anytime soon we somehow have to come to a resolve. I do pray that one day he acknowledges his mistakes, I don't expect this to happen until he gets much older, he is only 10.
I had not read this thread
I had not read this thread before today. Wow..... Thank you for your honesty. That was very brave.
It is interesting to me that the writer mentions that she was taught to disrespect her stepmom by the BM and DH. I firmly believe my DH "taught" his kids how to treat me the same way he tells them it's ok to disrespect their BM and her husband. I've been trying to tell him that but he tells me they disrespect me because they know I don't like them. UGH!!!!!
What about things like "it's
What about things like "it's an honor"? Starts with a consonant but has a vowel sound.
We can all tell on ourselves
We can all tell on ourselves a little...
Starting back in 1980, I wasn't the ideal stepson, either. Part of it was due to how my dad was presenting this lady and her kids to me - practically with halos and wings. The expectation was really high, and in retrospect, I don't doubt that dad painted me up to being more than I was (and no negatives), so they were probably expecting Mr Wonderful Junior.
Sad reality is that we all see what we want, and when emotions are involved, reality gets that shimmery fog like fashion models have over them to hide their blemishes. But once the veil is lifted and reality becomes REAL, we tend to focus on the flaws and wonder who led us to this pit of despair LOL...
But y'know what's the weird thing? Once SM was in, that was THAT. My brother and I felt like she "led dad around by his built-in leash," and he and I were pushed out so they and her 2 kids could be a "happily forever after" family, without the reminders of the past - er, umm, HIS past. We both got pretty resentful, and while I got over it, my brother has not.
She made dad feel horrible about how he was such a hard @$$ on us, and that modern child psychologists proved his parenting style was wrong, and he felt so bad about what he did to us... My brother and I thought, "Whaaaaaaat?" Anyway, they went on and raised those 2 kids with what we'd now consider a "permissive parenting" style, and they both ended up helpless messes (one is now dead, the other permanently estranged). I went off and joined the USMC and became my own guy, my brother got married and became his own guy (180 degrees off from me, but definitely his own guy, too). I visit them, call them both my folks, and get along fin with her, though I know she has some ways about her that I'm wary of and can say, "Hooboy, look at the time... I gotta run home now!"
As for how things turned out, I feel no ill will, and I feel 100% vindicated that while dad was tough on us, it was that strengthening that gave us both the resolve to become our own men. Anyone who says it's genetics and it's a crap-shoot is in denial; parenting (as a bio- or as a step-parent) makes a HUGE deal, and doing what's right for the other family members as a group is every bit as important as doing what's right for oneself. Giving up is not an option, but an exit strategy; disengaging is not giving up, but is useful as a way to let the disengage feel some burden, lest they become "entitled-minded," and I heartily recommend it as an option in the toolkit to condition folks who aren't aware of the errors of their ways. If denial is their thing, when they fudge facts to do so, disengaging forces them to face their own denial.
I wish I had a SD like you
Mine are both a lot older and the hate is intensified. Their bio mom fuels it. Husbandf is "afraid" to bring up ANYTHING the mean ones have done. I invited my oldest SD andf her family to my sea home. She treated me as if I were inviisbel the whole time and had each kid write a lovely "thank you" to GRANDPA. He did not invite them. I did! Every thank you was to him. I was NEVER mentioned. Husband never confronted the 46 year old because "I don't want to lose her". Losing a wife is easier, huh? He bends over backwards to please them. Paid the 10,000 car loan for the 36 year old, but told me I could not get new furniture so i did on my own! Protect yourself. I encourge my husband to visit his kids all the time. He never does. And, they blame me. If the SKs apologiuzed and treated me with respect, I would forgive. But, I do not trust them. Too many abuses for 30 years. That's a LOT to forgieve!
I'm dealing with the same thing now.
I have a 12 year old step daughter that is starting to do the same thing to me. Although I have stood my ground I also feel that Daddy will always side with her. He has even said why are you so mean to her? Even though my other SD is sweet as can be and embraces all parents the same way. I treat all of the kids the same way but due to her manipulation her Father doesn't see it tge same way. Looking in to the near future if things don't get better I will refuse to live my life that way.
Same here
I have a 13yo SD and my own daughter is 15. SD's bio mom cheated on my husband with, and is married to, what appears to be a sugar daddy. Between this man and bio mom's loaded mother, bio mom doesn't have to work but is able to provide SD with every material possession and experience in life she could ever want. I realize that's not the same thing as true happiness but it's also a pretty good reason for SD not to steal from me and my daughter, and constantly treat us badly and generally sail us down the river. But that's what she does. And my husband mostly goes with it.
Her word, despite countless times she's been caught stealing, lying and manipulating, is always taken over mine. Husband consistently views me as the problem. Bio mom, his ex, lived in full attack mode against me for the first two years of our relationship. Publicly, to the kids, my own mother in law, etc.
When my husband and I had a baby two years ago, SD was calling our son "it." She is the most manipulative, sneaky person I've ever met in my life.
This week, along with other reasons I'm looking to separate from my husband - SD stole from my daughter again, again refusing to give my daughter the item, saying they just happened to own the same thing. These are always items I myself had given to my daughter before I even knew this family.
Husband's only response was to tell me his daughter said I personally gave the item to her. So, SD strikes again, lies, has my husband pitting me against her (again), saying I'm lying, and calling it a day. Nothing else said or done.
We have six kids (blended family, one together) all told, and she treats my kids and her bio siblings like trash most of the time. I mean, pretty bad treatment! Husband gets all mushy if she makes an apology, and everyone rushes to her defense if she does her crying thing. Her mom is less forthright with her resentments these days, because I finally started setting the boundaries my husband wouldn't, but she still "is who she is" and still crosses most of the boundaries that she can. Both bio parents deeply indulge SD's behavior. I have empathy for parents wanting their kids to like them, certainly following divorce; but it's way over the top and it's really hurting innocent bystanders (the other children, not to mention me).
My other two steps are wonderful, wonderful kids. I love all three of my steps. I see a child who needs help in my 13yo SD, but I don't see anyone helping her. I see adults in deep denial. My husband has suggested I talk to her, spend time, etc, and I have. Quite a bit. I haven't been able to get results. Sometimes, I even feel like the person who actually cares the most, and feel for my SD - because sometimes it seems like the bios don't actually know how to care for her.
I see no way to remain in this marriage and it's shattering my heart into a million pieces. The kids will suffer greatly at this loss. I don't know what to do except leave. The 2yo we have together will suffer the most.
This is a zombie thread and is 8 years old.
I an sorry to hear about your blended family situation. I would suggest copying this and using it to start a new forum topic.
Take care of you.