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Co-Sleeping with skids? No thanks!

fmpro's picture

Recently married and now have 4 step kids. I have two bio kids of which I have shared custody. So far so good, however, there are lots of challenges I'm finding with having 4 skids.

SS5 comes up to our room on occasion when he has bad dream, which of course is to be expected. DW's answer to the problem is to let him crawl in bed with us until he falls asleep. Most of the time, she'll bring him back to his room. Sometimes however, she falls back asleep in the process and SS5 ends up having a sleep over. Frankly, this feels "weird" to me even though DW sleeps between us. I don't always wear much if anything to bed and I don't feel that I should have to. In my mind, the marital bed should only be shared by DW and myself.

Two nights ago, SS5 paid us a visit at 3 AM. I asked DW to take him to the bathroom before he crawled into bed, which caused a huge bawling fit. He settled down eventually, but I unfortunately was unable to fall back asleep after being fully awaken by the hailstorm of tears and whining. Having had a stressful work day on three hours of sleep, I was not in prime condition to have a sensitive discussion on the matter later the next evening. DW said, that if SS5 was my biological son, I wouldn't have a problem with SS5 sleeping with us. I was less than tactful, and perhaps a bit too honest when I was quick to agree. The fact is, it IS different for me and I don't think that makes me horrible person. DW has this expectation that I should feel the same about the step kids as I do my own, and I'm simply not there yet. That doesn't mean that I don't care about them....I do. It doesn't mean that I won't someday feel the same about the skids but I failed to convey this during our "discussion". DW says she loves my kids like her own, so she can't understand why I don't feel the same way about her kids.

Am I totally unreasonable to expect that the marital bedroom be off limits to kids?

RedWingsFan's picture

No you're not unreasonable AT ALL. I have banned all kids (including my own) from our bedroom. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have your bed to yourself and free from kids. Our room is the only room in the house they can't come into. I think that's fair!

If you search this site for co-sleeping, you'll find TONS to read. It's a topic that seems to come up every week here. There are opposing viewpoints, but for the most part, if it's something you're not comfortable with - it shouldn't be happening.

I'd do some reading about the harmful effects of co-sleeping and present them to your wife and let her know that this is not something you're going to budge or back down on. If you keep allowing him at 5 yrs old to co-sleep, it'll be even harder for him to learn how to self soothe later on, causing all kinds of problems when he's older!

Good luck!

Jellybean76@hotmail.ca's picture

Your wife is wrong. You are right. Stepkids belong in their beds. Parents belong in their beds. it would be different if you had the child tigether. You did not. But evrn at 5 he is too old to be co sleeping. i would feel uncomforatanle too and trust me it is an attention seeking behavior.

StickAFork's picture

And these are words spoken by someone who just doesn't "get" it. I have a SD whom I love JUST LIKE I love my 3 bios.
It's possible, and there is no argument anywhere for me to win.
I understand most stepparents neither want to or will love their stepchildren, but it gets really old reading how it's "impossible."
BTW, having my decisions overruled had NOTHING to do with my feelings for SD. It affected how I felt about BM (or XH, if the shoe fit) but other people's actions didn't/don't affect how I feel about SD.

Willow2010's picture

My kids co-slept with me for a while and they were always welcome in my bedroom. THAT IS WHEN I WAS SINGLE!!

After I married…(the kids were too old to co-sleep), but they knew that my and DH’s room, was off limits now. It was not just “Mom’s room” any longer. It was MY marital bedroom.

I think your wife needs to get up and take the 5 year old back to their own room. I really find non parental co-sleeping as very creepy. And I doubt I would have let my kids co-sleep with me and their father because…well…because of what goes on in a marital bed. KWIM?

Your wife is expecting too much from you.

StickAFork's picture

So... you married a woman with young children. This is part of the territory. It sounds like she's respectful of the marital bed in that she usually returns him to his own bed...and he only stays if she falls to sleep herself. If your DW was big on cosleeping every night, I'd have a different answer.
Now, I have never been a co-sleeping parent. I cannot sleep like a normal person, and I value my bed and my space. However, I can recognize that sometimes, parents and kids can share a bed for special reasons.
Also, if you think about it, whole families shared beds not that many years ago...

RedWingsFan's picture

But if he's not comfortable with it (for whatever reason) - his wife should respect that and stop doing it or offer a reasonable compromise/solution.

StickAFork's picture

And she's not comfortable sending the kid straight back to bed.
Would OP be happier if she went to sleep with the kid?
Sometimes, there are things that come with having little ones. Too bad this wasn't addressed BEFORE it became the marital bed.

RedWingsFan's picture

It was never specified that she's not comfortable sending him back to bed - just that she sometimes falls asleep and then the kid ends up in their bed. Could be they have to compromise and say "if SS comes into our room tonight, YOU take him right back to bed", and then switch off every other time until the kid no longer bothers them in the middle of the night.

I get having little ones and this does come with the territory. But if they continue with the way things are now, things won't get better, they'll get worse. The kid is not learning how to self soothe and may end up with sleep issues at a later age. Also, OP's resentment of how his wife isn't handling the situation when he feels she should will build and cause issues between them.

I say nix this shit NOW before it becomes a huge issue between the two of them!

fmpro's picture

For me it's about more than just the act of "co-sleeping". It's about needing my own adult space in my house that I now share with four step-kids. Also, I think SS5's late night visits will only increase since he is essentially being "rewarded" by being allowed in bed. My concern is that I/we will have ongoing problems with this.

RedWingsFan's picture

Then ban kids from the bedroom, period. The door stays shut, the kids knock first and need to be invited in and if there's a "middle of the night" nightmare or whatever, either you or mom gets the kid tucked back into their own bed.

It worked for my daughter and she has no sleeping issues. SD, on the other hand, was allowed to do whatever she pleased and she STILL has issues at 14 sleeping on her own!

TASHA1983's picture

^^^EXACTLY^^^

The skid needs to be taught/learn boundaries. The marital bed is for just that...the people who are MARRIED! It's one thing if skid came in to watch a movie with them and they all fell asleep or mom & skid fell asleep and this happened occasionally but DW needs to get off her ass and take her child to his bedroom and keep doing so until he gets that he belongs in his bed not theirs.

Part of marriage is having respect for eachothers feelings, so if he is uncomfortable about it then she should be understanding of his postion and come to an agreement that they can BOTH live with. IMO.

ACAM2012's picture

My SD9 lives with us (unfortunately). If she were to EVER get in me and my SO's bed she would promptly be brought back to her own bed. I will not, under any circumstances allow the little twat to sleep in my bed.

sterlingsilver's picture

I'm just thinking too that there might be more to this story. If the child has a crying fit when asked to go to the bathroom (so he doesn't pee in parent's bed if he falls asleep?) then this child probably has some discipline issues above and beyond nightly nightmares. It seems like the mom might not only give in to the child's demands to sleep with mommy but also other things during the day. I had a child who did just that and did not see it until my own mom came to visit for a week and pointed a few things out to me how my child needed to have firmer rules b/c he wa controlling the home in more ways then one. So your dw might be allowing him to sleep in your bed b/c when she puts her foot down the child screams and cries to try to get his own way. The mom is too tired to deal with this, and so on. You might suggest she try rewarding him for staying in his own bed at night. Also limit viewing movies and games that cause the scary dreams. You could also see if dw would be willing to let you take son back if he comes into the room, he might not enjoy having you take him but if he knows moms not going to take him back then he might stop coming to your room. All just suggestions. Mariage and parenting is all about compromise and flexibility.

fmpro's picture

Sterling,

Very insightful and your intuition is spot on. SS5 gets his way most of the time. He's the youngest of 4 and his behavior is at least partially a result of guilty parenting on DW's part. She's working hard on being more firm with him, but it isn't easy. From my perspective, it takes an extra dose of patience to deal with frequent outbursts/ whining and excessive clinginess. I actually suggested that I be the one to bring him back to his bedroom, but DW is worried that he'd be too upset for me to console.