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Child from hell

Phoenix7319's picture

7 months ago I started dating my gf. I really love her and she ticks all the boxes. She has two children, one 23 and the other is 10. I have a really good relationship with the older one. But the 10 year old is a complete nightmare. She still wipes his bum when he goes to the toilet and when I'm not there he sleeps in her bed. So when I turn up at weekends he doesn't like the fact that he has to go in his own bed. Sometimes if he's upset he'll say sleep over sleep over and she'll sleep in his room and I'll be in her room on my own. He can literally do anything he wants and get away with it. He calls her names and hits her! I try to help her out but she gets all defensive. There is always an excuse for his behaviour. He has the mental age of a 5 year old and he struggles at school. He can't add ten and ten! I'd say she's mothered him so much it's stunted his development. He doesn't do anything for himself! Since I've been in the scene he's become worse! As he sees himself as the man of the house! And she tells him he is! It's a nightmare! The thing is we get on so we'll when he is not around and at his dads. When he comes bs I he is ultra needy and she ends up sleeping with him. He's 11 next year! I feel sorry for him because she has let him down! A few months go I introduced my son who is 7 and they argue like car and dog! But it's never her sons fault!! Do I get out or try and make it work? But she doesn't listen to anything anyone says about her sons behaviour! Even her family! 

JRI's picture

I know you want to hear a positive message but this is a hopeless situation for you.  She will get defensive if you press the point and the boy will resent you.  If you two ended up together, he would do his best to undermine the relationship.  This is a no win situation for you.  And, you aren't doing your son any favors, either.

If you really must see her, keep your own place and date.  But I'd stay away from any kind of live-in situation.  Sorry, not what you want to hear but I'm pretty sure everyone else will agree.

Phoenix7319's picture

That's what my head is telling me, but it's hard to walk away from someone you know if it wasn't for the child things could be really good. Everyone is telling me the same thing. Stupidity I thought things would get better. 

JRI's picture

I see you've already endured step hell in your prior relationship.  Lol.  Was it as bad as this?  This is pretty bad.

Phoenix7319's picture

Nowhere near! I could put up with a certain degree of bad behaviour because I feel she's made him that way. However the bum wiping and sleeping together is just unhealthy and she sees no problems with it 

JRI's picture

Her inability to understand the gravity of the situation is the real issue here.  If she won't listen to her own family, she's not going to listen to anybody.  At 11, hes nearing puberty.  This is not going to end well.

Phoenix7319's picture

I think I should walk away before it gets worse lol 

Even her own daughter has told her way she treats him is wrong and she agrees with everything I say. Then that causes arguments because she says I'm siding with her daughter! 

JRI's picture

Yes, throw this one back!  Lol.  Good luck.

Kes's picture

I echo what JRI said, she isn't appreciating the gravity of the situation - the fact that she is inappropriately sleeping with a boy entering puberty, and not parenting him adequately in other ways, either.  He is going to be an unemployable nightmare who never leaves home and has no friends.  Really, you are just going to get a lot of stress and grief from this relationship, it is never going to get any better because she doesn't see it, and you can't force her to.  It is her own personality issues that are causing her to be such a crap mother, and although it may be good now between you in the honeymoon stage of your first year together, (at least when SS isn't there) - give it time and she will turn out to be a crap partner too. 

tog redux's picture

Wow. This is a form of child abuse, she's completely crippling this child emotionally. He will likely never be a functional adult and will either end up on drugs, in jail, or living with her until he's 60. It's a shame his father doesn't get custody, though maybe he's just as bad. 
 

As Kes said, these are not the actions of a healthy person, and eventually, you will not think she's so wonderful. Cut your losses now, before this gets worse. 

Phoenix7319's picture

He never wants to go to his dads because probably because he has a bedtime and is expected to do what a 10 year should do. He can actually do stuff for him if you show him! Since I've been there I have tried to help him with just basic life skills. I'm done with it all now. I've tried and tried to explain to her what she is doing to him isn't helping him in life. But she doesn't listen. I don't understand it. I've never known anything like it! I think if he did go to his dads he would be better off. 

Phoenix7319's picture

I just feel it's too late for the boy now. He's 10 nearly 11. It isn't gonna end well for him. He'll end up hurting someone! He is so aggressive and easily agitated! 

hereiam's picture

Why would you want to be with a woman like this?

You can say that everything would be great if it wasn't for the kid, but you really don't know that. There is something in her that is creating this co-dependent relationship with her son and if he didn't exist, she would just place that need somewhere else.

She is doing her son a HUGE disservice.

Phoenix7319's picture

At first I blame the child but I realised over time it was all the mothers fault. I suppose I made excuses for her. I think under different circumstances with another parent he wouldn't be like this. Love is blind sometimes but now I've woken up. 

Rags's picture

Relationships that include this preface statement are a waste of effort.

Survivingstephell's picture

You really don't want to be in a relationship with a parent who refuses to parent.  She has a twisted view on what her responsibilities are as a parent.  You will never break through that thick layer of dysfunction. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Even if he is diagnosed as mentally handicapped, he should still wipe himself sfyer using the bathroom and sleep in his own. This mom is too dysfunctional, like Bates Motel dysfunctional. And you're right, if he has been raised like this for almost 11 years, he is likely too far gone as well. 

Phoenix7319's picture

I think she's stunted his emotional development the way she is with him. He not stupid it's just he doesn't know anything because she's held him back. I mention she get him a tutor for his maths and English because he is totally useless at maths and still struggles to write his name. She even said if she could stop him going to high school she would as she doesn't want him to go! Because I think deep down she knows what will happen! 

Dave02Dad's picture

I would be willing to bet the #1 cause of friction in a blended family is parents thinking their kids can do no wrong, while the stepkids can do no right.  I would run, not walk, out of the relationship.  Hard to do I know since she ticks off all of your boxes. But her children should be the biggest boxes. That kid will only be a bigger problem as he gets older.  You think he's bad at 11?  Wait until he turns 16.....18....and from the sound of it, he's not leaving home even at that age.  We endure a lot for love, but need to always remember life is too damn short. 

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

She may tick your boxes - but are her words of eg ‘ I love you’ backed up by her actions. 

It may benefit you to step back and look at the bigger picture, which you are already learning to do. 

Phoenix7319's picture

I posted this back in August. And I expressed all my concerns to her and somethings changed immediately. But his behaviour didn't really changed and she did revert back to some of her old ways with him. Well enough is enough and with no support when I tried to parent him and the constant undermining in front of him I decided to finish the relationship. It was hard but I could not really break through the 11 years of dysfunction. It was too late. She will now have to suffer the consequences of how she has been with him literally all his life. But I could never take the next step with her because of him. Plus the most frustrating thing was the way she was with him! 

Survivingstephell's picture

Thanks for coming back to update!  It's for the best and enjoy your freedom from this toxic to you situation 

Phoenix7319's picture

It took me another 7 months but I got there. It was hard because she wasn't a bad person. She just had the strangest mother/son relationship I've ever seen. I've see a lot on here about single mothers over compensating and making big mistakes in the process. But life is too short and I've been through a lot of heart ache over the years. And I'm too old to make these kind of relationship mistakes. For once in my life I'm putting myself first. 

ndc's picture

If she ticks all your boxes, you need to add a few boxes to your checklist. I echo what others have said - this is your GF's fault,  not the child's, and it's not a situation you want to tie yourself to.  Move on.  This situation would not be fair to YOUR child, even if you were willing to live with it.