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Can't STAND my step daughter

Kitn76's picture

Let me start off by saying, I'm a newbie to this site and this is my first post. Hi everyone. Smile I have no one else to vent to, and lo and behold, I find this site. Seems to me from looking at the posts, I'll have people that actually, for once, "understand".

Long story short, my step daughter is 4...however she acts like she's 2. There *may* be some developmental issues, but Lord knows since no one will bother to get her tested.
My biological younger daughter is only 9 months older than my, now labeled "STEP BRAT", and the mental age difference is uncanny. The step brat can't talk without whining. She's incredibly rude to me, especially when her daddy isn't looking or isn't home, and it's gotten to the point where I can't STAND this kid. I feel horrible, and at the same time just don't give a darn anymore.
Before anyone she doesn't act this way because I came between her mother and her father. They were broken up a year before I came into the picture, when she was an infant, so has no recollection of her parents ever being together.
Anyway, she's just so whiny, and she'll cry to the point of making herself puke just for attention. She acts helpless to get everyone in her world to do everything for her (I refuse), and I was just recently told by her that she hates me. Well, at this point, whatever, because I haven't been able to stand her for awhile now. At first, when she was 2, I just blamed it on "the terrible two's", but she acts no different now than she did when she was 2. (*side note - I have 2 biological daughters who are 10 and 5, and neither of them have ever acted the way this child does. I've also been a daycare provider and never seen the likes of this kid*) And I am SO tired of hearing, "But, she's ONLY 4"....yeah...okay, so was my daughter until she turned 5 nearly four months ago.
I'll go into more with what I have to deal with if I feel like I've finally found a group of people that actually understand how I feel without making me out to be some sort of (pardon the term) b*tch.
Anyone out there that understands? Does anyone feel like they wouldn't care if they never saw their step kid again? I know that's horrible, I know it is....but a human being can't help the way they feel either.
It makes for trying to blend this family together very hard, because I never want to be around her. I can't stand when she's around. Thus, I spend her weeks that we have her with us out as much as possible. Family outings are not fun at all, and neither is being within 5 feet of this kid.
*sigh* Anyway, to whoever read this, thank you.

sixxnguns's picture

Are you living my life? cause this is EXACTLY what I go through everyday with my fiancee's 4 year old son! He's the SAME way! As someone else put it in a previous thread...this kid is overcodded and babied and I can't seem to get to like him because of his behaviors. I don't know if it's developmental cause he does everything else fine, like bathing and brushing teeth, but he eats like a two year old and acts like one, even talks like one!

Sailorgirl's picture

My boyfriend has 2 kids; one is a 4yr old daughter, whom I can't stand. I pray and ask that these feelings I have towards her be removed simply because I don't want to feel like this about no child. She is 4 but acts like she is 2. They comes to our house every other weekend and I hate it. During that particular week I get so depressed because I know my house will be in an up-roar. Their father and I argue everytime they come, sometimes over simple things. I feel that their mother is not teaching them anything and him being the father is not doing his part either. Being that she is a girl, she needs to be taught certain things little girls should know, like wiping herself after using the toilet, then flushing and washing your hands (Her mom needs to be ashamed) this is NASTY! Everything this child touches she either breaks or tear up, she eats with her hands (fingers), don't know how to walk inside a house (always running), don't speak correct/proper english (at her age she is not expected to speak correct all the time) but the least her father can do is correct her when she do say the wrong words. for example: we mom said take us to the fair or is us clothes ready. When I attempt to correct or ask him why he doesn't he becomes angry. I really feel that you must teach kids or how will they learn. I hate to hear her voice or even look at her. They have no home training or discipline. I am not use to this and I did not raise my child to be like this, and really don't want her to pick up some of their bad habits. What do I do? I really feel like they are going to come between us!

christinen's picture

WOW, I am going through the exact same thing right now as well! My fiancee has a 3 year old daughter who I absolutely cannot stand! Everyone always says "she's just a baby", things like that, but this girl is out of control at 3, I can't imagine what she will be like when she gets older. Fiancee thinks it will get better; I am sure it will get worse if he doesn't correct the issues now. She still does not sleep through the night. & she is not only waking up once for a drink or something, she wakes up 3-4 times a night SCREAMING for NO REASON. She doesn't want a drink, doesn't want to go to the bathroom, she says she is not scared or anything like that, she won't even say what she want. She literally THROWS herself onto our bed and fiancee will let her stay there despite me being totally against children in the grown ups bed. Night time is for grown ups, in my opinion. She also is not corrected by her father for not speaking proper English. Now we obviously don't expect much, she's 3, but when she says something blatently wrong, like she always says "him" when she should be saying "he" - example : "can him come?"- as a parent, it is your job to correct it. When I do it, fiancee gets mad. The kid runs around the house screaming & jumps on the couches with her shoes on. Fiancee has joint custody, so the kid is with us every other week for the full week & those weeks are pure torture. We fight the whole week over everything. The kid's mom is a complete lunatic to make matters worse. She's the typical "baby mama" stereotype- no offense to anyone- i'm talking stereotype here- but she has no job, no education, on welfare, crackhead boyfriend, whole family is criminals/lunatics, been to the nuthut more than once.. I could go on. I love this man but he has so many issues with this kid and baby mama I am seriously rethinking whether I want to spend my life like this! Help!

minniemouse's picture

Hi there
I have just found this site and want to say a big thankyou to everyone on it - you may have actually just saved my sanity! I am typing this sat upstairs in the bedroom because my partners 5 year old son is staying with us for the weekend and I simply do not want to be in the same room as him!!! He is soooo whingey, cries all the time, screams, can't just go and play... need I go on? I struggle to find anything positive to say about him. I thought I was the only person in the world who felt like this! Its so awful isn't it, I dread the weekends he's here, I feel like I have permanent pmt! Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks to you all and I'm glad I'm not a total cow for disliking him! Sad

kristina85's picture

I did just that tonight, went to my bedroom for a while to ge away from them. Thank god for school, they are gone most of the day. lol

88keys2happiness's picture

Me too!

goingslowlycrazy's picture

I'm sitting in the bedroom alone cause his three kids are here for the weekend and I don't want to be in the same room help!!! I just can't stand it..they are indulged to the point of crazy, food wise, boundary wise and it drives me mad, I've got to start getting out and doing my own thing

iamkellik's picture

It sounds like your living my life. My husband has two girls ages 5 and 2 1/2 and I hate the younger one. She has spit in my face, bit me, kicked me and taken off her panties and peed on my couch and smiled at me. She does this while her "daddy" isn't looking and so he gets mad at me and says "she's just little". I have raised four of my own children ages 10-17 and they never acted like this. They scream at their grandmother and she allows this and lets them do whatever they want. Their mother just cares about getting rid of them and getting her child support check. I am at my wits end. I am in counseling and trying and I can't stand to look at her face or hear her babytalk. My husband lets them do whatever they want in my new house. My kids hate her because of what they have seen her do to me. I dread every month when they come to see us. They used to come every two weeks but thank god my husband can't afford because of the distance to have them more than a weekend a month. I am secretly happy about that. I try and find things to do when she is around but he whines that we're a family and calls me continuously. My husband or his ex girlfriend don't know the first thing about parenting. The 5 year old respects me and is good. I feel bad for hating a kid but my family can't stand this kid either and none of my friends and she was kicked otu of two daycares this summer that I took her too. I don't know what to do and I don't want some little brat tearing my husband and I apart. I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel and I find myself wishing this kid wasn't even born and that is bad.

novemberfox's picture

I know EXACTLY how you feel, my situation is almost identical...Im so glad I'm not the only one that feels this way! Love my husband but hate his kid & baby momma (same welfare type bee-iotch). If anything happens to our marriage it will be because of that kid & her mother!

kristina85's picture

LOL you said it!

I love my fiance and hate his boys and their mom is a stupid welfare bitch too. Shes an evil which and it causing such a headach!

I hope the situation is hindered bc of his kids or her trying to take him to the cleaners.

Roseybird's picture

WoW - I can honestly say taht I have been there and done that. I met and fell in love with my husband and he a daughter. She was out of control from the beginning. I think his parents and him played a huge role in letting her RULE over them. Now she is a SPOILED, INCONSDERATE, NASTY, UNAPPRECIATIVE, BRAT! I can't stand her either. She drives me up a wall. It's horrible! I would love to say it would get better, but in your case, I don't see it. There's a list of things I can tell you about my SD15. I could write a WHOLE FREAKING BOOK!

common_sense_prevails's picture

hi - new to this site but understood your post completely. i am engaged to a man who has a son 19 in college already and his daughter who will be 18 this friday, and going to college in the fall, thank the universe for that. she is not a nice girl and is rude and inconsiderate to me. her parents have been divorced for over 10 years and her mom is remarried and has twin sons almost a year old. this girl is spoiled and entitled, selfish and rude. case in point - this weekend her dad and i were looking at new houses to move into when she goes off to college and she said that "the dog pee'd all over those homes". wtf? and recently, "oh, that is my dad's girlfriend, we just try to ignore her." seriously! i think it is important that we keep our sanity by recognizing that their behavioral issues are just that....theirs. i am modeling behavior that is acceptable - no screaming, no sarcasm, no fighting and we will see how it goes....i am lucky she is moving out, but both kids will be home for breaks from college....eeek.!

iamkellik's picture

are you living my life ? My 3 year olde step daughter is a manipulative little brat. Her 5 year old sister is so good and sweet to me and we have a excellent relationship. When my husband looks away she sticks her tongue out at me and when she's sitting by him or hanging all over him she looks at me with this smile that makes me want to smack her. He is currently staying with his brother because last time they were here, he gets after the 5 year old but keeps saying to me for everything she does "she's only 3 years old". Well I have four kids and not one of my kids have ever treated anyone like htat. He also feels guilty about living 5 hours away from them and feels like he is "hurting" his kids by attending my kids functions with me, so I am alone at everything. Nothing is different from me being a single mother. He's still attached to his mother's umbilical cord and they literally call him like 4 times a day. I love him but the drama I dont' miss. His family is the most dysfunctional family I have ever witnessed.

mominthecity's picture

Dear SMV,

I am so sorry you are going through your dilemna. I know it must be painful. I located this site because I, too, may soon be a stepmom to a 12 year old boy with ADHD. I had a similar problem some years ago with a stepdaughter that hated my guts. Needless to say, her father and I never married. But, it was all in divine order.

Please go back and look at what you wrote. Take one moment and imagine the vibe that this little girl must be getting from you. She knows that you don't like her. She knows that you like her sister more than her and she also knows that you'd do just about anything to get rid of her. In my situation, I decided to change the only person that I could change. Myself. This little girl is only projecting onto you how she perceives she is being treated. Trust me, kids can read your energy and you never have to say a word. It's like a radio frequency or something. They can sense this stuff. Pray and meditate about it. Perhaps, get her alone to do something fun with her. I know it will be hard, but you can't ask your fiance to choose between you and his daughter. Believe me, if you ask him this, you will be without a fiance. Try and take your emotions out of the deal. That's what gets us everytime.

As for me, I am trying to see my stepson for the wonderful potential he has. It makes a difference when you can see it differently. Change your mind. Change your life.

Hoping for the best for you,

AnnoyedMamaC's picture

I COMPLETELY relate to that. When my step daughter and I met, she was only 18 months old, at the time my fiancee only got once a week visits for 3 hrs, then as she would get older the time would be more elaborate. When she was little, she had her issues, but then I kinda blamed it on her mother, but everyone including my fiancee and his family fell for her ways of seeking out for negative attention, and to this day even still walk on egg shells for her, I once told her to stop being such a whiny brat, and got told by my fiancees Sister that it was "uncalled for" and that I was being "rude" my SD kept her sniveling up but made sure to let me see that evil sparkle in her eyes as she sneakily grinned at me. They all have been cooperative at giving her what she wants, they play into it, and I don't, that's why she don't like me. Couple years ago my fiancee seen a ring on her finger that he KNEW was NOT hers, he brought it into me, and it was mine, she had told him it was hers, so she stole my ring, lied about it, and was even going to go give it to her friend for her birthday! You know how he punished her? HE DIDN'T! He lectured her about stealing, and that was it. She is now 9 and a half, she baby talks ALL the time, pees her pants intentionally, acts helpless over anything she can, and will follow my fiancee around wherever he goes being sneaky asking him for things that I have already said NO to. She tries to play both ends against the middle or even try to make him feel sorry for her by making him think I'm the bad guy. You're right, we all have feelings too, and it's hard being the step parent especially to a child that wishes you weren't there. She told my fiancee once "wouldn't it be cool if you and my mom were back together and *insert my Son's name here* was my brother?" So that said to me, "wouldn't it be nice if Mama C wasn't in our lives" and that irked me to no end, he couldn't see why I upset tho, said it was just her being a NORMAL kid and wishing for her parents to still be together :jawdrop: when asked to explain her still wishing for MY BIOLOGICAL SON to be her brother in that situation, he again stuck up for her and said that she just loved him :? I do the same as you, well I at least try to keep that fake smile on my face, say through gritted teeth that I love her, and be mentally pulling my hair out strand by strand as she hugs me. Throughout the years that smile is fading and I know she can see the immense build up of hatred I have, and as much as I feel guilty for saying that, I know it's true, eventually, I have a feeling she will end our relationship, will some how come between us, but until then, I am going to love my fiancee and hang onto him for as long as I can. I don't know what else to do.

mama g's picture

mama c

i know where you are coming from me and my husband have been together since his daughter was 4 months old. she does some of the same things when im home to get attention she will set on the couch and pee or poop which ever. her mom telss her she is coming down to see her dad and my son from a different marrage but i wont be there then when i come home from work she starts acting out becouse her mom has it in her head that i am bad and that i dont love her. i started out loving her but it has started to dewindle and i know it is not her fault but that of the mother who puts things in the childs head. i know what you are going through and it has only been 3 yrs for me. but hang in there remember you are probly the only good role model in this childs life.

MrDaddy2's picture

Although sometimes that may be true, sometimes kids are a product of their environment. I have a 5 year old stepdaughter who is so babied by her grandparents, and great grandparents (who end up watching her from time to time) and her father who is to lazy to work with her. So she gets a way with a lot. She throws fits, can never be told no to anything. She acts helpless and had threatned the babysitter (who is my aunt) has physically asaulted other people, adults, kids, and babies. She also lies about what people do and say to her. We took her to a doctor who told us that everyone in her life has to treat her like she is 5, not 2, otherwise she gets confused and then acts out. The doctor also stated that kids her ages have the potential to distort their own reality based on what they want to feel or believe. To them its true and it actually happened, even if it is impossible, improbably, or completely wrong.
Not saying you are wrong, but you are sugar coating the kids part and demonizing the victim here.

pearl55's picture

it only gets worse. :jawdrop: they will never see her faults- she is their little angel and she knows it. good luck you are going to need it.

cayandcamsmom's picture


I couldn't agree with your more. It is so easy to read and know what the right thing to do it, actually DOING it is the hard part!!

I have currently decided to disengage from my stepchildren, which deep down I know isn't right (but is keeping me sane right now). I am working really hard on trying to heal myself and forgive/forget.

You are right, the only person you can change is yourself.

Thanks and good luck to us all!!!!


IWasThere's picture

First of all I am sorry you are having to go through this.

i CAN TOTALLY RELATE. My steps were 10-16, however they are finally grown and on there own. Unfortunately, it's a pretty good chance it won't get better unless you all get some serious help. Looking back on it now...if only I/we had gotten the whole family in on counsel from someone who specializes in joining families, it would have benefited, however the kids and father didn't go for it. Many times I wished I had listened to the ones who said run as fast as you can. But I didn't, and I believe the stress caused me to get MS 6 months into it. Our marriage lasted by the grace of God. The kids think they are being replaced by you. If you can learn to love them like your own, don't let them even think for a minute you don' might could win them over. If I had done that I would have saved many years of pure misery not only for me but everyone. Your hubby is put in the middle. The child is playing both of you. I fought to be #1 and so did they. What I should have done is wait until they were grown, but that's not what I wanted. Or perhaps buying a duplex would have been much better. I hope you don't try and split the kids, looking down the road 15-20 years it will be much worse for you,and your marriage will be at risk. Kill them with kindness and try to love them. They will eventually come around. I hope it works out for you, I really do!!!

hurtSM's picture

Hi your story sounds soo much like mine, except I went through and bought the house and married my now DH. I have a 10 year old step son who behaves exactly like your 5 year old SD. So unfortunatly I can not say that it will get better with age. My DH is still saying he's only 10 and has been saying it since he was 6. I think I will be hearing that until he is 20! I never broke up my DH and his ex, they broke up 5 years before he even met me. She had two more children and has had another two since we have been together (total 5 kids at home with new partner). SS has gotten better at a few things, he longer throws massive tantrums, but still does the ignoring stuff and crying for attention. If I say anything to him and he thinks he can make it sound a little like he is getting in trouble, he will start to cry.
We moved away for a year, in which he would only come for a few weeks at a time, and he got a bit better. So we moved back and it is just the same again. I dont know if it was because we had him for longer periods of time while we were away or not, but I think this was the reason. We have him every two weeks now and its horrible, he finally settles into our routine and starts to realise I am not a monster and when he has been around for about 2weeks. In two days its just too hard.
My advise for you is this, if you are living together now with the kids full-time, then things will not change when you move into your new house. If you have never lived with them full time, you should try that before you get married and buy a house! If I new what I was going to go through in the last 4 years, I would have run a mile. I love my husband very very much and is the only reason I am still here. You have to find some thing that you can work with, and it has to be a two way street with you fiancée. If things do not improve while your living together, you really should weigh it up, cause things normally get harder before they get better, especially with another kid in the mix.

sotfsb's picture

Wow! I was also in a very bad situation with my 4yr old SD! I think people really under-estimate how smart and manipulative young children can be! This brat almost ruined my marriage! Things were okay for the first months after I met my DH a few years ago (me - 31 w/ no kids, him - 27 with joint custody of his 4yr daughter)and then trouble started. At first I was actually excited about welcoming SD into my home, I went out and bought toys and crafts and a large toy box for when she was over (about 3-4 days a week) and DH encouraged us to build our relationship. Even BM supported it! I noticed something was "off" with her at first when DH tried to show me a bit of affection (a hug and kiss on the cheek) while she was there and she ran over and jumped in between us, grabbed on to DH's neck and started licking and sucking on his face! I just looked at them and she turned around and gave me a cold dark stare, as if saying back off! DH had a talk with her about her inappropriate behavior and she stomped away. Everytime after that she would break up any attention DH tried to give me... constantly interrupting conversation, constantly putting her body in between us, crying and screamming at night when she couldnt sleep with DH, feigning illness and injury, even pretending to gag and choke and then be miraculously healed when DH rushed over!!! Now neither DH nor myself EVER left her out of anything, actually we planned our days around entertaining SD and making her happy and taking her out, she just couldnt handle not having 100% attention 100% of the time, even after we (and BM) had multiple talks with her (on her level)about the situation not to mention she completely ignores DH when I am not around and is always crying for Gramma (DH's mom). Next she started lying to her BM and saying that DH hit her and locked her in her room. DH cried when he heard this, first off all, he would NEVER hit anybody, let alone his child and secondly, SD doesnt have a room, she sleeps on the pull-out couch in the living room and the only doors in the STUDIO apartment are the outside door and the bathroom door! Thank god BM knew this and we all had a talk with her about lying. Next, she was caught abusing her BM's dog by kicking it in the face when it already had a neck brace on from a previous injury! Then I caught her abusing my 11yr old dog, thank god I was right there when she squeezed her so hard she just about broke her ribs and i pulled the little sh*t off my dog before the dog had time to snap at her! After that, my dog was always kenneled when she came over! Things just kept getting worse in the next several months during which time DH and I got married. I had talked to my mother and a few friends about SD and her deviant behavior and animal cruely and borderline sexual gestures she would make towards DH and they were all perplexed...none of them had ever had experiences with their children like that! They suggested counseling but DH and BM didnt believe it was neccessary and neither did SD's school teachers. Also DH's mother, I found out, was treating SD like an infant still and was letting her sleep with her when she spent the night and rocking her to sleep with a warm bottle still! This kid has been off bottles for years! Need I also mention, this kid is spoiled rotten beyond belief by both sides of her family and can do no wrong!!! Next, BM and her DH started denying they were having any issues with SD and that we were making too much out of her behaviors and that SD was reporting that she didnt like me and I was mean (yeah mean for setting limits in my own house I guess) So... one day, we were all on the couch watching a movie and DH started to ask me a question (it had already been a stressful and tiring day with SD) and SD started interrupting and I just couldnt take being silent anymore so I turned to her and said loudly and clearly "Excuse me, we are the grown ups and we are talking and YOU need to be quiet until WE are finished!" Well that just sent her over the edge in to a full out screaming tantrum! I just got up and went to my bed around the corner and let DH deal with her. Later that night I told DH that I was miserable and didnt think I could handle things anymore and that I was seriously starting to reconsider have kids of my own based on her spoiled and destructive behavior. OMG, it was like a light bulb went off in his head that day, after seeing her, he really understood me and all that I had been going through that whole year to keep us together. I just broke down in tears for the first time in the almost 2 yrs we had been together told him honestly that I was sorry and that I couldnt stand is daughter and that I was sick of being miserable and I wanted a break! Things changed from that day on! DH stopped coddling SD and allowed me to have some say when SD was visiting, we cut her visits down to weekends only for a while even though BM and DH's family was against it and our relationship started getting better. Well things with SD got worse now that she didnt have total control and DH's family started running me down and making him feel like a bad person! Now DH is not speaking to BM or his mother and BM has taken him to court for full custody and CS. It has been another year and now DH doesnt see his family or SD b/c of all the Bullsh*t! Its just a bad situation that is now worse and DH is so fed up he wants nothing to do with SD or his family and we have also decided to move out of state so he can get a better job. I feel so bad for him but at the same time I dont miss SD one bit! I just want to get on with our lives! We have heard through BM that SD is happy with her and her DH and calls him daddy now. Apparently they also let her do whatever she wants. I guess that is the key to raising todays children and that must be why most kids today have no respect for authority and act like ego-centic, self-serving A-holes as adults... well I refuse to raise kids like that! Now BM's DH is trying to adopt her and my DH is giving his rights up! Even though it is very unfortunate that it came to this between my DH and his daughter's BM, I am glad my nightmare is finally over.

kristina.schulz's picture

I have to say it's a Godsend to be able to find a website where people talk and vent about the SAME EXACT things I'm going through. It's so good to know I'm not alone in this. I live with my boyfriend and his two kids--his son is 7 and his daughter is 4. He has primary custody of his kids: the result of an expensive court battle after his girlfriend left him for another woman 3 years ago. I know....might as well start the therapy now. His son was 3 and his daughter not even a year old when she left.

His son and I get along great most of the time and the only issues we have with him are infrequent and average for a 7-year-old. His 4-year-old daughter, on the other hand, is a completely different nightmare. She is okay occassionally, but her behavior and spoiled nature is more than I can handle most of the time. I had always chalked it up to the fact that I don't have kids of my own (and lack of life experience considering I'm a whopping 25), so I must be missing that motherly patience and affection, but reading your story and the countless others on here have made me realize that maybe it's not just me. I could list the many things she does, but would only be repeating what everyone else has written here: she is disobedient; she does bad things deliberately, then gives me a look that makes me want to smack her (e.g. she walked by her brother who was laying on the floor, stopped, looked at me, then turned around and stomped as hard as she could on his stomach); she refuses to sleep in her own bed at night--instead she runs into her brother's room to sleep EVERY SINGLE NIGHT--and when I found a way to shut her door so that she couldn't open it (It gets stuck and her hands are too small to turn the handle. I'm not locking her in, and I can open it just fine)she started screaming every night. Somehow that never wakes the boyfriend, though...

Actually, this morning I was awakend by her screaming to be let out and I went and asked her what was wrong. She told me she had a nightmare, and when I asked her to explain it to me, she made up what was obviously a very poor excuse of a nightmare ("I dreamed...uh...about...a uh... about a dog....uh...playing."). I told her she needed to go back to sleep because I had to get up for work and not 20 minutes later, she started screaming for her dad because she found out I wasn't going to coddle her (enter wicked stepmother!) I went into her room and told her (in much nicer terms than I put here) that she needed to shut up, get her ass in bed, and go to sleep. As an aside, I also recently found out that her BM lets her watch "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" whenever she wants when they visit her on the weekends. I finally told SD this morning that if I found out she was watching that show again I would ground her (what kind of mother lets her FOUR-YEAR-OLD-DAUGHTER PRONE TO NIGHTMARES watch a show about vampires, skeletons, rabid monsters, etc.???) Of course at this point, the boyfriend wakes up because he hears the door slam (from me running into it in the dark) and I tried to explain to him the issues I was having. All he said was "I don't understand why it's such a big deal," and went back to bed.

Honestly, I don't understand why it's such a big deal either; I also don't understand why it's not. Doing some personal psychoanalysis (partly why I'm on this site), I think it has something to do with the constant power struggles. (Uh oh, I'm about to list again!) She refuses to eat anything, then when I'm eating something she would refuse to eat, she wants a bite from MY plate--never her own. If she can't do something within 5 seconds (put on a backpack, put on/take off her shoes, open a door) she IMMEDIATELY throws a tantrum. I was recently able to get to the point where I say, "Okay, what do you need to do if you're struggling?" and for a while she would answer, "Ask for help," and then she would. I thought I was finally making progress with her! But then she suddenly regressed: she would be taking off her pants to take a bath and they would get stuck around her knees or ankles. Obvious solution? Scream and cry--something I found helpful when I also struggle to take of my pants... Instead of doing it for her, I would try to lead her through it so she could learn to do it on her own (if you haven't guessed at this point, I'm a teacher so I have a habit of forcing kids to learn how to do things for themselves). I would tell her it's easier to sit down and pull them off one leg at a time so they don't get stuck, and she would actually scream "NO!" and keep trying to do it her way. Once I caught her actually trying to sit and do it (like I suggested to her), and she saw that I saw her and stood up to throw a tantrum about not being able to get her pants off. Now, before you start rolling your eyes and thinking, "Seriously? You're whining about a kid taking off pants?" Multiply that situation by EVERY. THING. SHE. DOES. When I am strict with her (my boyfriend has also equated my strictness with meanness)she cries. When I ask her why she's crying, she says she misses her mom--and unfortunately she knows that gets me right to the core because I once made the mistake of showing her that it bothered me when she mentioned her mom that way, a way that says, "I want HER, not YOU!" Well, that's not fair. Sometimes she switches out "Mom" for "Grandma". Either way, she is very good at making me feel like I am never the one wanted. And that hurts. More than anything else she could do or say.

I won't go so far as to say that I don't want to be around my stepkids. Some days are really, really great with BOTH of them. But it's days like today, in the middle of the night, when I sit on my couch unable to sleep, sobbing silently so I won't wake up the boyfriend, considering taking that suitcase from under the bed and finding somewhere to stay for a while.....

In a nutshell, I went from single, worrying only about myself, to pseudo-stepmom taking care of 2 kids. I missed a huge step in preparation for being a mother (being pregnant to start) and I know that is part of my problem. I want to marry this man more than anything in the world, but I'm not sure I can marry his kids, too.

For anyone reading this, thank you for reading and understanding without judgment. I have a knack for saying and doing things rashly without hesitation or thought and I finally have a place where I can do that without repercussions.

bethann08's picture

I understand. I was a single mom with one child & became full time step mom to DH's two children (ss6 & ssd4). I have more issues with ss6 than sad but I still have those same feelings & there are days I question my decisions... DH is great about most things, but emotionally stupid & doesn't understand why I don't feel the same about his two children as I do about mine. He thinks because I don't have that natural motherly connection with them, that I don't love them. Its frustrating trying to get him to understand that just because I take care of his kids & not their BM, doesn't make me their "mommy".
I understand ur situation & it's not because you weren't a mom before, it's normal & I wish my DH would understand that.

moonchild's picture

I feel so the same way, my boyfriends child acts the same way, he is not my stepson and his behaviour has prevented me from moving forward in this relationship. Both parents spoil him rotten and share 50/50 custody. He is so inapporpriate in so many ways and neither parent deals with it or is bothered by it. He says rude things when he wins in sports and his dad laughs but when he loses or someone says anything hurtful to him his dad is like so shocked and says my son would never do that, I am like wtf. It is like everything is a double standard. I can see my situation getting worse if we every chose to live together, right now I live in my own place and we live over a half hour away from each other, which I am thankful for. Then I go really what kind of relationship is this. I don't like my bf kid that is pretty bad and a big red flag. I cannot see it getting better and don't want him to change seeing his son for me, but I feel I cannot be a part of it. I am embarassed by the behaviours when we are out in public. So nice to hear others vent don't feel so cruel

pearl55's picture

I hate to be the one to tell you this but leave now while you can before you become depressed, bitter and a bitch. The dad is never going to change or see him but nothing but a child. go and find someone that you can be happy with. being a step parent is one of the hardest things you will ever do, and yes it can be a good life but that is only when the dad is willing to step up and make the child mind and be respectful which this one does neither. Don't wait 5 yrs or 10 yrs and say I wish I would have listened. My daughter is now bitter towards life even though she has a beautiful daughter of her own now but things are worse and the 5 yrs old is hurting her 19 mth old daughter because she wants too. The five year old has just informed them that she has tried to break her arm, took her head and slammed it into the faucet in the tub, kicked her in the stomach and pinched her. the baby does not want to stay there when the step daughter visits. she wants to come to nana's and paw paw's. I worry that she will hurt her and put her in the hospital, she is small, loving and a bundle of energy and everyone notices her when they go out. please think twice before marrying him.

Accordn2L's picture

I'm so jealous! I wish the BM would take full custody and move away so I could finally get some freaking peace in my own home!

dontwanttobeastepmom's picture

This sounds almost like what I am going through. I am a grown woman, found a wonderful man who unfortunately has an 8-yr old daughter from someone he was not married to. We have been together 2 years. I can't stand the girl. She has never hit me, spit at me, etc like I'm seeing in other posts - but she sometimes has a smart mouth and has other behavioral things that bug the crap out of me. We have tried to talk about it but he always says "she's only 8". I don't know what it is! I can't stand being around her! She says inappropriate things, she acts weird around company, she's sneaky, and she NEVER cleans up after herself until I make her. I'm not sure if it's me being too strict and not having kids of my own, or what?

dontwanttobeastepmom's picture

This sounds almost like what I am going through. I am a grown woman, found a wonderful man who unfortunately has an 8-yr old daughter from someone he was not married to. We have been together 2 years. I can't stand the girl. She has never hit me, spit at me, etc like I'm seeing in other posts - but she sometimes has a smart mouth and has other behavioral things that bug the crap out of me. We have tried to talk about it but he always says "she's only 8". I don't know what it is! I can't stand being around her! She says inappropriate things, she acts weird around company, she's sneaky, and she NEVER cleans up after herself until I make her. I'm not sure if it's me being too strict and not having kids of my own, or what?

dontwanttobeastepmom's picture

This sounds almost like what I am going through. I am a grown woman, found a wonderful man who unfortunately has an 8-yr old daughter from someone he was not married to. We have been together 2 years. I can't stand the girl. She has never hit me, spit at me, etc like I'm seeing in other posts - but she sometimes has a smart mouth and has other behavioral things that bug the crap out of me. We have tried to talk about it but he always says "she's only 8". I don't know what it is! I can't stand being around her! She says inappropriate things, she acts weird around company, she's sneaky, and she NEVER cleans up after herself until I make her. I'm not sure if it's me being too strict and not having kids of my own, or what?

AnnoyedMamaC's picture

Oh gawd sweetie Sad this is all just nonsense, and unfortunately, I have been and am still in that same position with my fiancee and his little girl, I too sometimes feel like I am fighting for his love and affection when she comes for her visits, when he and I have been standing there holding hands, my head rested on his shoulder, she will stare at us evil, looks just like her mother and then will give me this horrible smile and come over, grab his other hand and lean on him, going "mmm i love you Daddy" makes me sick to my stomach, or if we are sitting next to each other watching a TV show while cuddling, she will crawl all over him, get behind him, lay across him so I have to move my hand and weasel her way in between us. At one pint when she was 5, I had just had enough and got after, told her she was almost 6 yrs old and needed to start acting like it and stop acting like she was 2 or 3, well later on that evening, my fiancee went and got her in the tub, and I hear her say "Daddy, can you wash my hair, I don't know how, I'm 2" Every word pierced through me like a sharp knife, my blood BOILED! She is STILL doing stuff like this now, and she will be 10 in December, hell, she is still peeing her pants, in CLASS too! Then she will cry and act like a baby when she's been caught making my fiancee feel bad for her and then makes me out to be the bad guy for telling her that "peeing on my kitchen chairs like an animal is wrong" MANY times I have thought and felt like if anything happened to our relationship it would be because she ruined it, he continues to tell me that he will never let that happen because he loves me and wants me in his life forever, but sometimes I just honestly don't know if I can handle too much more, used to be he got her every other weekend, but since he couldn't afford that when his ex wife moved farther it went to a weekend visit once a month, and even those I dread, lock myself in my room and block out the world. When she was 3 she INNOCENTLY asked me if she could call me "Mom" I teared up and told her if she wanted to, at the time it was innocent, but now she ONLY does it because it upsets her Mother and to irritate me, at one point my fiancee, me, and her all had a falling out, I was sent into tears she was getting her way over something, and it's the same thing you experience, when I try to point something out to my fiancee that what she is doing is wrong, he justifies it and her, just a vicious cycle that will NEVER stop, her mother has now been married 3 times and has my SD calling them "dad" within no time, so that's teaching her to slut around, something her mother is very good at, and my fiancee has told me that he fears her teen years for that reason alone, and with the things I have caught her doing, it would not surprise me honestly, and as bad as that is to say, it's true. When she comes down for the visit in Summer, I dread it badly, I have panic attacks, I feel angrier, and find that I hide from the world, I count the days until she goes back home from the moment she shows up. My fiancee and I have lived together since before she was 2, so she has known us together practically her whole life. I don't know how much I can handle, just her voice angers me, hearing her baby talk at him, and him not even caring, acting as if she isn't doing that, and like she is *gulps* a normal kid. She is NOT. This last Xmas, she was opening her gifts, and my fiancee a few times kept trying to position her to where I could snap the pics of her and him together, well she INTENTIONALLY kept moving facing her back to me, and finally I had to give the camera to him and tell him it was impossible to get them with how she was sitting, he NEVER disciplined her at all, and when he went to grab the camera, she turned around so he couldn't see and grinned like "HAHA" at me, and when I asked her, "did ya read the tag? who's it from hon?" she says "Daddy...and YOU" even then he said nothing, and when I later pointed it out, nothing got done. As far as you telling your fiancee that she can't be there in your new home, it will end you two, to stop a Daddy from being with his child that he kisses ass over will go over like a big fart in a dust storm hon, sad but true, the best thing you could do, would be to distant yourself when she is there, IF she asks you for permission over anything, tell her to ask her dad, if he asks you for help on something with her, just tell him it's in his hands, let him deal with her ALONE, he will see everything you have been talking about, at least some of it, I did it for a while with my fiancee and he did see a SMALL portion, I gave up when he said "she's not that bad" If anything, we now have each other to vent to, and that means a lot to me, but I need to go, he's asking what I'm doing, can't very well say "talking trash about your kid" LOL, wish I could sometimes.....Anyhow, take care, hope things have worked out, keep us posted.

Lou's picture

I am new here and this sounds kind of like my situation. I have started telling my husband to deal with her himself. I tried really hard with my 12 year old SD but she is so manipulative that I am at the point where I hate her. Her dad and I started living together when she was 7 and her parents broke up when she was born so she has never known them together but used to say all kinds of things about them getting back together, I undertand this as I am from a broken home (although my parents broke up when I was 13) She lives with her mothers grandparents most of the time (her mother isn't fit to look after her) and this we have in common as I grew up living with mine as well but that is where the similarites stop. There is something really strange about her I thought it was just me but everyone who has met her says she creeps them out and that she is a very unlikable person. She has this weird stare and is always over apologetic and polite to your face. She acts like a little angel around her dad but is really mean to my little sister and nephew (when she comes over she is always "can we please go over to "my sisters" house?" and "I can't wait to see "my sister"!" in this stupid baby voice) Varies members of my family and friends have heard her being crewl to other kids and than to cover it up she comes racing out and says things like "so and so is going to say that I pushed them but I didn't they just fell" and "I don't know what's wrong with them they won't talk to me". She also knows that her mothers family thinks that I am no one in the scheme of things and should not have a right to disapline her in my own home (yeah right!)and so she tries to trap me into telling her what to do. She will ask me to ask her dad if she is aloud to do something rediculous when he is sitting right beside me for this very reason so she can go back to her mother and report what I didn't let her do ect. She is also always perposly spilling things in my car so I have banned her from drinking or eating in there. She also spills and breaks things at home or pretend to forget to take her shoes off and drag mud through the house after I just mopped. She also gets very over the top emotional about everything and I crys and when you call her bluf just turns the tearworks off like that! She has completely fooled my husbands parents and untill recently my husband (i just came out and told him what she is doing)She had stolen money and done other spiteful things all with an innocent I'm sorry, I didn't know and I didn't mean to accidently..... The other day I asked her what she wanted for breakfast and proceeded to cook her choice and she came over next to me and started singing the opposite to that "your amazing just the way you are" song and than told me she wasn't singing it about me. As if I don't know that she is tring to let me know she is insulting me while trying to have in out for her father if I say anything about it. She also trys to get attention from her father in an inappropriet way. An example is that they were playing monopoly the and when he looked down she pulled her top down past her nonexistant boobs and that said to him "oh no my top is falling down don't look" she had no idea I saw the whole thing and he was completely oblivious to it so I called him into the bedroom and told him waht I saw than when she tried it again he told her to go put a proper shirt on cause he didn't want to see it. And I know she is not being abused so this is just evil twisted behaviour. I have never meet such a peice of work! We have an 11 month old together and I don't want her being left alone with him. Speaking of which, he has just woken up from his sleep so I have to go.

AnnoyedMamaC's picture

Oh wow, sounds like we relate by A LOT! Everything I just read about her being creepy and having a weird stare, my SD has the SAME exact stare, I totally understood that immediately, she will stand in front of anyone with the blankest look and just stares at them, others have told me that she is a brat and that they can't stand her because she acts like a baby, and she does that same baby talk you mentioned above too! It drives me crazy! And she does that same thing where you talked about her asking to go see "my sister" my SD does it with MY family, for example " when can we go see grandpa __ and grandma__? I really miss them" talking about MY parents, My Dad has only EVER seen her maybe 10 times, IF that, my Mom has seen her more, but never for too long. When my little sister's dog died a dog that MY family considered family as well, any time she would see my sister, even a year or two later, this is what she would say "i really miss Scooby, it is really sad he's dead" :jawdrop: and it tore my sister and me up EVERY time, and she said it with this grating baby voice and I just wanted to pop her in her mouth, I finally put a stop to that, but when anyone or any living thing dies, she does and says stuff like that ALL the time. And she also is VERY good at putting on the water works, over ANYTHING. All I ever hear from my fiancee is how she's just a little girl and maybe I'm just being too hard on her, he is oblivious to it all as well and it sucks, like I ALWAYS tell him, "I am TIRED of feeling like the bad guy" and I really am, I honestly can't stand this kid, I've been around MANY children in my life, and I don't think there has EVER been a kid that rubbed me this wrong. Now she has just recently started this thing where when she gets a new outfit she says to me "I bet you're jealous!" or will ask "Are you jealous?" Finally, I said to her, "I am a GROWN UP, I can do what I want, when I want and however I want, and I can also wear ANYTHING I want too, and I have MANY cute things, therefore, I have NO reason to be jealous of you, nor am I." All said with a cocky smile of course and she just sat there and looked as if she was about to cry because I had just told her I WAS NOT JEALOUS, what I really wanted to say was something like "NO I am definitely NOT jealous, if anything, I think it's YOU who is jealous of ME, I get to see your Dad EVERY SINGLE DAY!" And I think that is part of her problem with me, but it's not my fault, I have stood in Court with that Man every time his ex wife has pulled something, I have helped him to fight FOR HER in court, I make him fight to see her when his ex is trying to keep her away from us, I do more for her than I have for my own Son and yet, I'm the bitch. Her Mother runs me down to her all the time, and once I said to my SD " Ya know, I could care less if your Mom doesn't like me, because the feeling is mutual!" and she said all defensive like "Well my mom don't like you!" and I smiled real big and said "Good, she doesn't have to, because I REALLY don't like her either, and when you act like her, I can't stand it!" she had nothing to say. I think the part that irritates me the most, is in front of me she acts her age and does what she is told, but when my fiancee or his family around that's when she starts acting up with her baby talk, and glistening of the eyes as she intentionally swells them up with tears to get her way, I honestly don't know how much I can deal with.

nunya's picture

Wow!! My bf's daughter gets that blank stare too. It took her until she was about 5 to really construct a coherent sentence. She too would ask the same question or make the same statement to my family every single time she saw them. Any time my sister would come over she would always ask her without fail "how did you get here?" Every single time. Really you can't think of anything else to say ever??? When she would see my brother she would ask "where's your Mom?" Although I know she didn't know any better or even really know at all, our Mom passed away so that fact that she could not think of anything else to ask him made me want to smack her in the face. Each person had their own personal question but it never changed.

Now she is better at communicating but still equally as annoying. My bf does not want to cut her hair and so her hair is down to her waist. The problem is, no one ever brushes it so it looks trashy! On top of that she lets it hang in her face which makes her look like she is trying to seduce you all of the time, or that she is being sneaky like she does not want you to see her eyes. Almost like she thinks she is invisible if she does that. Sometimes at night she will get out of bed and try to sneak down the hall of course with the hair all in her face and she is scary!!! She looks like the girl from that scary movie The Ring. Lord help me!! What have I gotten myself into???

I am trying's picture

AHH! OMG me too! The stare, the repeating the same rehearsed line to everyone (including me and DH), etc. The stare is if she's in trouble or we're trying to talk to her about something important (like who you don't throw rocks out windows at your friends because they are playing with someone who is not you). We will talk and explain, and ask her what she was thinking or why she did something and she will just stare blankly. DH will often have to say "'SD'! You need to answer when someone asks you a question!" Even then she will continue to stare until he threatens a consequence. If DH tells her she hurt his feelings or did something to upset/disappoint him, she starts crying immediately. However, when it's me talking to her about how her actions negatively affect us or me (like when she lies to her mom about me), the tears literally get sucked back up into her head and she gives me the blank stare.

As for the repeated lines? Ours are always "how is school going?" for me (I'm a teacher) and "how's your back/knee" to DH because he has a bad back and his one knee has been bothering him. Even he said to her "You need to stop asking us the same questions every single time you see us. If my back or knee were really an issue right now, you'd probably know it already. Do you not have anything interesting to say? If not, just keep your mouth shut. You don't need to try to start a conversation just for the sake of talking to someone."

She also does the baby voice, etc. Blah Blah Blah...I swear someone is cloning the same damn kid over and over just to mess with us!

Bsmom's picture

HI! I need to talk to you, Lou! I think there are some similiarities with our situations! I have felt so alone and haven't had anyone to talk to for years. I have SD, 12 (13 in August). I actually adopted her a few years ago. I have been in her life since she was 5 and my hubby got custody when she was 7, 3 months b4 our wedding. Her mom didn't do shit for her and her dad spent time with her but worked a lot so I became the parent that did 90% of everything for her. We were both ok with this for awhile but then grew resentful. We got along GREAT for 3 years and then she started to change. Her BM signed over her rights and never spoke to her again around this time. Obviously, this has a lot to do with it. Our relationship has been horrible for over 3 years now. She admits she is always angry at me-usually for no reason she admits, and I am her target. I am emotionally exhausted from the drama-manipulating dad and everyone else, lying, stealing, death threats, etc. I don't put up with her shit AT ALL and she hates me for it. I have put up a wall and honestly have no desire to spend time with her anymore. She told me she doesn't love me, wishes we never got married, etc, but now in her letters she says I make her feel invisible. I tell her I have given her space because she asked for it! I don't know how to detach with love when I feel no love. My husband has given up on us being close but just hopes we can get counseling and just get along. She has written me a couple letters lately and read them to me in our sessions. Well, she has the therapist read them while she has her back to me just pouting. She claims she wants to try to get along, but then at home she gives me the same ol crap. Actually, it's been worse this summer! "You aren't my mom. I don't have to do what you say. I just want to burn the adoption papers, etc." She is decent to me in front of family and friends so I feel like everyone thinks I am a cold hearted bitch. She is possibly going to go to a Christian live in school soon because she can't get along with us here at home. She wants to go. I also have 2 small children with my husband. Everything in my life is so good, but her drama puts a dark cloud over wonderful events like birth of my babies and 1st bdays and vacations. My husband treats me wonderfully. At this point I feel no love for her, just resentments and fear of what she is up to next. Can someone give me some encouraging words of advice? I am going to Alanon meetings to try to learn how to communicate and deal with SD's depression. She is not an alcoholic but therapist says she acts like one so Alanon should be helpful. HELP!

gaviotas's picture

I feel sad for this girl, as you are the only person who really cares about her. She cannot accept her reality and if you disengage (cause you are tired and fed up with her attitude), your SD will be on her own.
I understand the resentful feeling (BM abandoned her, dad is not present full time), but you are not guilty of that situation.
Try to clear your mind, and feel proud for what you have done!!
If your SD does not recognize your efforts bad for her, you do not have to suffer for her internal problems, you´ve done enough.

gaviotas's picture

I feel sad for this girl, as you are the only person who really cares about her. She cannot accept her reality and if you disengage (cause you are tired and fed up with her attitude), your SD will be on her own.
I understand the resentful feeling (BM abandoned her, dad is not present full time), but you are not guilty of that situation.
Try to clear your mind, and feel proud for what you have done!!
If your SD does not recognize your efforts bad for her, you do not have to suffer for her internal problems, you´ve done enough.

AnnoyedMamaC's picture

:jawdrop: OMFG hon! That is ridiculous and are we sure your SD and mine aren't the same damn child?! My SD is STILL pissing her pants INTENTIONALLY and she is 9 and a half! I just told my fiancee last night she is no longer allowed on the furniture where our company sits, because I'd be damned if they were sitting in her stinky piss! Went to go throw some laundry in yesterday, grabbed a handful of clothes and as they waved past my face, I literally CHOKED, gagging and dropped the clothes to the floor, she threw her pissy clothes in the damn hamper, and my basket is right in front of a huge window, therefore the bright sun beating down on her stinky ass clothes are fermenting in the heat and I have to stay on top of the laundry or since my washer/dryer are in my kitchen, it too will reek! I can't believe your SD peed on your brand new couch! My SD does that same kinda stuff, making "daddy" (said in her nasally, whiny, monotone voice of course) do EVERYTHING "daddy i can't do this" "daddy will you make the water warm for my bath" UGH! It just disgusts me! And now we will be attending my fiancees sisters wedding on Sunday, the little bitch(SD) is a flower girl in it and I already KNOW she will act the fool, putting on little show that she is so wonderful at doing, will try to get away with anything, this aunt of hers babies the hell outta her, it sickens me to no end, I am DREADING Sunday. Both our Men need to MAN THE HELL UP! I understand little girls are Dad's prized possession but at the same time, these little brats need to do some growing up, I mean almost 10 and still pissing her pants? Acting HELPLESS ALL the time? Baby talking? I mean hell, my SD STILL drinks out of a sippy type cup and even said a few mnths back "I miss drinking out of the real sippy cups" :? Gimme a f'n break! You are almost 10, have your period and want to act like a baby/toddler?! Hon, you didn't disappoint the older SD, her bratty ass sister did, and it's downright awful!!! I look forward to coming here to vent, I have no one else I can say this kinda stuff too, and am personally HOPING she does piss herself AT the wedding IN her dress just so all 450 people can see just how childish she really is. So what did your hubby say when you said that to him? I understand where you are coming from saying that if he doesn't wake up you will leave, I am at that point too, it's only going to get worse, I believe in my heart of hearts that her teen years will end us. His mother is ALWAYS saying to me that she has a feeling my fiancee will end up with her during those years, and if so, then I'm sure I know where the door is, because it will be all hell, and like I told my man, "I think it's pretty sad that don't see any of this and find it disgusting that you're okay with her being the possible end to us" he swears that won't happen and that he won't let her disrespect me, but he already does. Like seeing him take her the other day with him, I looked out the window and seen her fugly ass in MY seat, so when he got home, I said "she is NOT 4'11 nor does she even weigh close to 90lbs, her ass sits in the back!" and he literally questioned me right in front of her!? I had to remind him that here that is the law! He agreed, she stood there as he was questioning my authority looking all satisfied until he agreed after I had to point out the rules of the law, then she hung her head and walked away pouting. I don't know how much more I can take, I dread every visit, on the weekend monthly visits, I practically stay prisoner in my own bedroom just to avoid her, and the other night as he of course told her to give me a hug good night, I know she seen me, my upper body dropped like "oh god" my eyes rolled as i leaned out to hug her, it wasn't over fast enough for me, and I HATE that she calls me "mom" I have told her NOT TO because of the things she has done, and yet I KNOW she does it just to irritate me and make her Daddy think it's me being the ass, and I'm sure he believes it. There was once when he and I was supposed to go do some errands, and when I learned he was taking her, I said politely that I really didn't want to go, had a few things I needed to do, she came down and said "come on mom we're leaving" I told her I had decided to stay home, and as she went up the stairs saying only loud enough for me to hear "YAY it's just me and my daddy going not her!" I flew up my stairs, out to the car and he looked at me and said "Ya going?" and I said, "Yea, after hearing what she just said, you're damn right I am" he asked, I told, he FINALLY stuck up for me and said "Guess what, now you're not going, Grandma will watch you, you don't EVER talk to Mama C like that or treat her that way!" she startled of course whining and crying apologizing to me, so I looked at her and quietly said "see I WAS staying home to be nice so you COULD go with your Dad ALONE, but after hearing that, I am going and your Dad is doing the right thing, now should I stand here and do a song and dance about how it's just me and your Dad going, and not you?" she shook her head no and said it would be "mean" and I looked at her and asked her how what she did was nice? He told her to go see Grandma because we had to go, I never felt as satisfied as I did that day, and it was great! The one thing I do get told by one person I can talk to about this stuff is "NEVER let her win!" And I think the same goes for you, it sucks having to fight for our men with a bratty child that only is thinking of themselves, they don't stop to realize that they are actually HURTING THEIR OWN FATHER! These men love us too, and need us, we are the only way they MIGHT get to see how their child is behaving, otherwise them and the world see what these skids want them to see and then the others go around asking what was wrong with US? :jawdrop: As much as it sucks, just hang in there, we have each other to talk and vent to, and even possibly help one another, and this bitching sure does help. Take care and I look forward to hearing from you again. Smile

nunya's picture

My bf's daugher is 6 and still calls him da da!! Disgusting!! She doesn't pee in her pants but she doesn't wipe after she uses the restroom almost equally disgusting. Can you imagine what it is going to be like when the start their menstrual cycle. I don't even want to think about it.

Auteur's picture

Sounds exactly like GG's daughter (SD now stb 13).

She was calling GG "da da" right up to age eight about a year before she completely PASed out.

sy78's picture

I do sympathize though just want to point out sometimes it's also because of their environment even if it's in short stays with the BM. My bf has full custody of his daughters and the 5 yr old will call us to the washroom to help her wipe because her mother still is wiping their bums for them. She still is giving them (9 yr old as well) Full baths without teaching them how to do it on their own. It's as if she wants them dependant and without any life skills of their own. Perhaps the child needs to be retaught how to wipe. I know it sounds odd but that is what I am doing with them both now. They both stand up right after they pee and get drops on the toilet seat. So I am reeducating to stay seated while wiping themselves. Other things had not been taught either. Knocking when entering a room if the door is closed (including washroom) and dressing and undressing in private. I have no issues assisting them with things that are past their ability to handle but am encouraging them to develop the basic skills that are needed.Yes dirty undies are really gross and skid marks are never a nice sight but keep in mind they are still growing and need guidance...whether they like or not they need it and are not getting it from anyone else. If any man has an issue and thinks their daughters poop don't stink then let him do their laundry Biggrin

Jellybeam's picture

Oh my God! My SD was 5 almost 6 when I showed up. I taught her how to do her own laundry when she was 8 b/c it was so nasty b/c she doesn't use toilet paper. (I used to put her laundry in the washer with tongs!!!!) Thankfully, we all have our own hamper and 1 in the bathroom only for towels and wash cloths, but I, too, have been dreading the period b/c SD11 is nasty! She gets wet in the shower that takes 5 minutes, but she doesn't use a washcloth and she has B.O. She has also had the same stick of deodorant for over a year!! Oh the period is going to be bad!! I picture a stench from her bedroom and on her and my furniture! That little bitch gets her nastiness on my furniture, my husband better be ready to replace it and assign a "nasty, stinky bitch" chair for her!!!'s picture

}:) i know exactly the feeling but mine is in the form of a 9 year old boy who tries to take his father aside what is sick is when i want to go to bed he gets in there first and then my partner and i have this huge argument and says if i try to come and bring division to him and his son i can leave it is disgusting and i have just about had enough then my partner says go sleep with your daughter for the night why should i have to he is my partner not this evil kid. he had threatened my daughter many times with violence and i am really wondering whether to just continue or let it all go believe me i am tempted to leave but at the same time i love my partner and when his kid is not here it is great. it is not like this kid is an only child either he has one older brother and two younger ones and says his mum hates him. sweetie you have my full sympathy and wish i could help. the only thing i can say is sit down and straight talk with him and then maybe your husband to be will realise these things are a real issue to you. do not have other kids with him until you sort that one out trust me it will only complicate it more.
anyway need to vent just email me and i will reply Wink

alea329's picture

:jawdrop: OMG bridget! I had a little bit of an issue this morning with my SS (stepson) and so I googled the issue and this website has come up. I have been sitting here reading all these posts and yours stuck out the most. My ex and I were consistently fighting about his son. He was such a brat and got everything he wanted. If his dad and I were holding hands he would jump in between me and him to separate us. I couldn't stand it anymore and after about 4 years I refused to let his son in my house. So my ex would have to take his son to the studio that he owned. That was no way to live and build a life together so we ended up breaking up. I swore that I would NEVER get into a relationship with another man that had children. I mean I didn't have any so I wasn't going to deal with someone else's. I ended up falling head over heals for another man though and low and behold he had not one but TWO kids. At the time I met him, his son just turned 3 and his daughter was about to turn 6. From the first day I met them his daughter and I bonded immediately. His son however, cried the entire drive from Westhampton, NY to NJ turnpike. We were taking them to mid-evil times. His son puked all over me because I sat in the back seat with them so that my bf's mother could come. Ruined my new velvet stiletto Mary-Janes. Anyway the next year or so with his son was challenging. He always cried for his mother. He always came to me though for comforting and attention. His daughter and I always maintained a wonderful relationship. They are at the end of the day great children. They NEVER disrespect me and that is because of they're FATHER!!!! They're father and I both have the same thoughts when it comes to being in a relationship. We put each other before our kids. We now have a 9 month old baby together. My SS and SD love her to death and she loves them. We get them both every other weekend, any vacation my SD has off from school they come to us. We also get them for 6 weeks in the summer. 2 of those weeks they go down to SC to visit his side of the family. My SS because he's still in daycare comes for 1 week every month. My point is that it really could be such a blessing to have step kids (i actually call them my bonus kids) but if you and their father are not on the same page as far as raising them it will NEVER work! Also, if your man lets their mother disrespect you they're kids won't respect you either. My bf's ex said one negative thing about me and that was the last I heard anything come out of her mouth that was negative. She actually calls me now sometimes to discuss the kids with me. Like the other day she called me directly to let me know that my SD(now Dirol is complaining of a soreness in her breast and thought that she should give me a heads up just in case my SD wanted to ask me any questions. She also thanked me for being so wonderful to her kids and told me how much they love me. Now my ex-boyfriend and his little brat and crazy ex-wife can go make someone else crazy. Leaving him after 5 years was the best decision I have ever made in my life. I hope you take what I said to heart. Remember you should always come FIRST!!! You can't raise a family together if your always fighting. No matter how much me and my bf disagree our kids never know it. If I'm disciplining his kids, even if he doesn't agree with why, he won't under mind me. He may pull me aside and ask me if I was over reacting and honestly if he thinks I was then it's probably because I was.

the step daughter's picture

Okay this story is absoulte bull.
I have a step mom and shes terrible and i did nothing to her.
So i dont want to her you whine about little kids.
Try living my life for a day.

cayandcamsmom's picture


Wow! I am so happy that your situation has been challenging yet so fulfilling! I had hoped that is how my situation would be... there is still time and hope. Praying hard for the ability to forgive.

You are completely right when you say that you and your hubby have to be on the same page!! If not.... it's a ticking time bomb and you will be miserable.

Good luck to us all,

moonchild's picture

Smile That is right were I am at right now. My bf and me don't live together and I am thankful. Unbelievably, his ex is so crazy causes all kinds of problems, my bf has become better about this as I have broken up with him a few times over it. Still as for his kid he has 50/50 custody and doesn't not discipline his son for anything. Like you I feel it is my bf that lacks respect for me and our relationship and allows his son to continue acting like a brat. I have expressed things in a kind way about his son, but he cannot take any negative comments about this child from anyone, school or anything, he will defend him and make excuses for him. There is no consequence for any of his behaviour. We just recently got back together and all I can think is this has no future I don't like your child and want to find a way not to be with you when you have him. My kids barely like you for this reason, but have absolutely no interest in being around his kid. Even watching him eat grosses them out. Just simple everyday things, then if there is an issue my BF always blames my daughter and his son just exaggerates even when he started it. I so relate to what you are saying as I am thinking of just not having this relationship due to his son, but mainly how dad allows this child to act and others to be treated in comparison

camaroguy's picture

i too have kinda the same situation. ive been dating my gf for 10months now and i still cant stand her 6 year old dauhter. her daughter refuses to listen to me and any adult and she's just defiant in everything she does. my gf does disipline her and doesn't let her get away with anything but it still doesn't help with this little girl. the little girls dad has told us that she is causing trouble in his marriage and that something needs to be done. she;s 6 and she acts like she's 2. if she;s not yelling and screaming she's not happy then she plays the "im tired' and gets really mean and cranky. her mom says it will get better but i just cant stand the sight of that little girl even her name makes me sick to stomach. if you have seen the problem child movies that is what she reminds me of. my girlfriend wants to get married and i love her more than anything but i cant do it because of that littlr girl. my mom,dad,brother and everybody that meets the lil girl says she's just really weird and cant stand her daughter is stealing and were trying to get that stopped. my gf says that when we have her on every other weekend it's like hell and she dreds it. now even the mom is tired of this kid because she is sooooo bad so my question is what should i do? leave the woman i love because of a bad little red headed girl , or try to ignore her and love my girlfriend and just tolerate the kid and hope her dad gets her full time? HELP ME

MakaylaandChloesMommy2011's picture

My fiance has a daughter who will be 3 in June and she drives me CRAZY. I feel sooo bad but I cant help it. She crys all the time when shes around and if my fiance holds my one year old or plays with my kids she starts throughing temper tantrums and saying things like hes my daddy not yours.. She pushes my baby all the time and trys to fight with my 6 year old. Shes smart as heck to, I mean she saids words and does things that my 6 year old dont even know about. EX:Flips you off and saids f you. Shes constantly crying daddy. She drinks milk out of a sippy cut like a baby would a bottle, she even gets put to sleep with the dang thing. My fiance will disipline her but he also babies her way to much. He will get mad about me holding my one year old all the time but then he will hold his daughter all the time. O just so you know he raises my kids like his own, my baby thinks he is her father because her dad is worthless. When I get upset at something that his daughter does he will tell me not to worry about it. His babys Mom is a witch and on top of that his Mom is blaming me for him not seeing his daughter as much because he moved an hour away from his daughter to live with me. Everything is just adding up to where I cant stand this little girl and dont want nothing todo with her. I feel really bad about it but I cant help feeling this way. Sometimes I wish hed get a dna test and shed end up not even his just so she would go away and I know thats aful to say. Im just glad that theres other people that feel like me.

chaydar1's picture

AHHHH...your words are music to my ears!!! Sadly, but true. I am so glad I am not the only one. I was beginning to think that I was demented or something but after reading all these posts, WOW. I just cannot stop reading them! They are addicting! I am in the same boat. My live in bf has a 5 yr old daughter who will be 6 in 5 months and has not even started preschool!!! Her mother has custody and my bf gets her every other weekend. She doesnt know how to tie her shoes, wipe her bottom (she just learned), write her name (she can only write the first name), doesnt know her vowel sounds, can barely count to 10, and doesnt know all the letter sounds!!! I have 2 daughters, 12 and 7 and they both were reading at 3 and 4!! They were required to tie their shoes before they entered kindergarten or else they would have to wear velcro shoes. They both learned to tie their shoes way before 5 years old. I mean, come on!! The first thing you teach your child is their name and phone number right??? She thought her last name was her middle name!!! I was real fond of her at first, and we have been dating over 2 years, but now I cannot stand to be around her. She follows me, my youngest, her daddy...everywhere we go like she is a magnet behind us. I have recently told her to quit following people. My youngest daughter used to love for her to come so she could play with her, but now, she cannot stand her! We all can only tolerate her for one night, and after that, we have had enough of her. She is like a helpless human being. We cannot even play board games for ages 5 and up because she doesnt know how to count spaces, read (not even sight words), understand instructions, etc. She suffers from ADHD but her parents are in denial. This little girl needs medicine. She sings to herself constantly and if she is not singing she is talking to us (VERY LOUDLY). She is a true motormouth! She can NOT be quiet! She is very exhausting. She gives me a headache everytime she visits. I just want to go away when she comes. My kids have asked I change weekends with their father so they wont be around her. I believe I will try that for a while and see if it helps. My kids say she is so annoying and obnoxious. She has been babied by her father and his parents and I suppose by everyone else that she doesnt know how to do anything. I put my foot down and will not wash her, dress her, undress her, brush her teeth for her, open a drink for her, open snacks for her, etc. All the things she should be doing at almost 6 I refuse to do for her anymore. It is ridiculous. My bf used to say "But she's only 4." Now it's "5" but I tell him, yeah, and at 4 she should be reading or at least learning how to, and at 4 she should be brushing her own teeth (now she does), and wiping herself, and washing herself, etc. just like every other child at this age. Oh! And she repeats herself ALL the time!!!!! UGH! I cant stand it! I have been telling her to stop repeating herself...I tell her I heard you the first time. I believe she is finally getting my point. But she will sit with her dad at night in his chair, and that's fine, but she will tell him she loves him and he will say in a very baby voice "I love you". I am beginning to get a little envious of his love for her because I feel like he doesn't love me when she is there. I have to constantly step back and realize he doesnt see her often...Oh! And she is the messiest child! Her mother obviously doesnt clean up or teach her how to pick up behind herself. She leaves her wet towel in the bedroom every time she takes a bath...EVERY TIME! I feel like smacking her with it! I never pick it up though. I make her do it. I cannot wait for her to start kindergarten in August so I can see what her teacher says about her. She will be one of the oldest, if not THE oldest in her class, since she will be turning 6 a month later, and probably will be the dumbest in her class. I will be that every other child in there can write their first and last names and can read at least the 2 letter words. I tried to teach her, and was doing pretty good with her, but got aggravated. Every time I would teach her a word, she would giggle and laugh and lose her concentration. She thought it was such a big deal (like a baby or one year old) to have learned a 2 letter word!!! I am beginning to think she has the mentality of a 2 or 3 year old. And I am seriously considering she has a learning disability. She can NOT be still, and constantly makes noise (BTW: I HATE NOISE!), and she cannot learn quickly. UGH! I am finding myself constantly wondering if my BF is worth it....And constantly thinking to myself that no other woman would put up with this little dumdum! I am at the point where it would not bother me one bit if I never saw her again. I hate feeling this way because my BF loves my girls like they were his own and it's not fair that I do not feel the same way. But I have tried to make myself, but just cant. I will never love her the way he loves my girls. My girls are disciplined and smart and calm and are very independent. She is the opposite of everything they are, and I cannot adjust to it. I simply cannot. HELP!!!!!!

nunya's picture

I know just how you feel. My scenario is worse in some ways but better in some as well. My BF has a 6 year old daughter that he has full custody of (hence the worse part). Her mother is in prison right now for reasons I won't go into. I have been in my bf's life since his daughter was 2 and from the moment I met her, I knew there was something wrong with her. I tried to develop a relationship with her, but she was so active and loud that she made it very difficult. She would come sit in my lap but would not stop moving around one time even busting my nose. I stopped letting her sit on my lap. She sings at the top of her lungs, interrupts people when they are talking, screams for no apparent reason, I could go on and on. I understand that she is probably attention deprived and that no matter how hard my bf tries, he will never be able to satisfy that need because she does not have a mom in her life. She does not know a stranger. She will go up to anyone and hug and kiss them. One time we were at my son's soccer game and she just walked up to one of the other Dad's and stood there staring at him not saying a word (very unusual for her). Then out of nowhere she just lifted her shirt up like she was flashing him. VERY EMBARASSING!! She just does weird off the wall stuff like this all of the time. No one has or will take the time to teach her right from wrong and she seems to be a lost cause now. I tried but I found myself getting angry at my bf because it wasn't my responsibility to do this especially since she wasn't around me very often. I knew as soon as they went home he would go back to putting the earplugs in and blind fold on. He just does not want to deal with her!!

I decided to let them move in with me and I finally talked my bf into haveing her tested for ADHD mainly because I couldn't take the running, rolling, cart wheeling, gallopping, you name it as long as it wasn't walking, through the house anymore. He took her and within 15 minutes the Dr. said she was definitely ADHD. To be honest I felt like even though the girl is out of control the diagnosis was a little quick, but it got her on medication. Now she behaves much better (or at least I am told). However, the unfortunate part is that by the time she would come around me the meds were already wore off. The medication for a child that young only lasts 8 hours. So great and wonderful, she acts better around the daycares and teachers but about the time for her to go home she is back to her normal abnormal self. I couldn't do it so he moved back out but although we intended on breaking up, it turned more into him coming over every weekend and leaving his daughter with his Mom. I know this can't last forever, but for now I am enjoying it. It gets to me sometimes because I feel like I am waisting my time with him since I know eventually this will end as soon as his Mom stops babysitting for him. Plus I don't really want to be in a relationship with someone that I will never live with.

When I first met my bf and his daughter the baby momma was not in jail but she would pop in and out of her life (maybe a handful of times). She would call at 1 in the morning and ask to speak to her daughter. A very loose cannon. Now that she is in jail that issue is gone, but it's only a matter of time before she is out and it also reappears as a problem. I don't know what to do because to be honest I don't like my bf's family or anything about his past but he treats me like a princess and I can't seem to let him go. I think he even puts me before anyone in his family but he knows he has to take responsibility for his kid especially since her mom is a convict whack job. I fear that when she gets out the daughter will want to meet her and if that happens I will have to check out of the relationship for sure I think. I do not want to have two females making my life miserable. She reminds me over her mother already and that is part of the problem. I see that she is attracted to kids that are loud and roudy because that is how she is too. She is also violent and hits and even kicked my Mom's dog in the stomach one day jus as we were all standing around talking. The dog was doing absolutely nothing but standing there as well. When she is told not to do something she will try to be as sneaky as possible and do it anyways. I caught her many times getting a snack after she was told she could not have one. I can't stand a devious liar!! These are small things now coming from a 6 year old but I can't imagine the hell she is going to be once she is a teenager and what she is told no about is drugs, or a boy, or a friend. I fear that she will destroy my bf's life and I don't want to go down with him.

Now here is the kicker!! I think I might be pregnant. I missed my period and am going to get a pregnancy test today. I pray that I am not because I am too old to have a child plus I will be stuck in this demons life if I want my bf to be a part of the baby's life. To be continued............

dledden's picture

In my case it's a stepson I can't stand! He's mildly autistic, and just diagnosed when fiancee and i started dating; he lives with us fulltime along with my 2 biological sons. He is thee absolute most annoying child known to man and everyone on fiancees side of the famiy does everything for him, and i mean everything. Granted he's autistic and has severe ot and pt issues, the kid can barely dress himself, he is 8 and cant pull up a zipper on a jacket, can't button buttons, tie shoes, NOTHING. You have to get him drinks and food cuz he can't do shit by himself. He has so many people fooled, they think he's so sweet and innocent. I have been threatened, hit, kicked, punched and verbally assaulted by this kid, as has my mother. He never acts this way in front of his father, just to me when dad's not around. I don't know how a marriage to my fiancee's gonna work the way I feel about this kid. he has no 'mother' to speak of, she only calls like 2x a year or so to see him, that's it. UGH, i'm a newbie here too and HAD TO VENT!!!!

lifeofhell's picture

my fiance has a 12year old who, i swear, has been here before. i mean has been on this planet before. she may be from the d*** devil the way she acts. i can't stand her and i don't feel bad about it. she walk around yelling at her mother, saying i hate you to her, slamming F******* doors and sh**. i'm sick of it. i disengage from her. i hate it when she's there 50% of the time. and my fiance tries "talking" to her. that kid won't listen to talking. so, one night during her rants, i ranted back for about an hour. she was crying and pleading for me to stop. but i didn't. i told her i was acting the way she acts and if that's how it's going to be then, she better settle into one hell of a yelling home. after i lit her up that night, she doesn't back-talk me anymore and when she starts on my fiance, and i calmly say "do u want me to yell at u?", she quietly says no and scurries away into her room. i say, F*** all of this catering to kids. it's our home. and needs to be a place of peace. so i took the peace back. and if she or any other kid wants to "discuss" it, i'll yell my f******* head off until peace returns. good luck everyone!

kristina85's picture

I know the feeling al to well.
And my fiances EX is deffinetly the baby mamma type your talking about too.
My fiances 2 boys are bad they are 4 and 6 and very annoying and when we do fight its usually because of them.... it makes be pounder if this is what I want for the rest of my life too. :?

Lazerrainbow80's picture

I think you are living my life. My sd is 3. Constantly whines, cries, talks in a baby voice. Poops her pants and urinates on the floor purposely. Mom is not in the picture so I'm sure she has emotional and behavioral issues d/t this. Bites, hits, spits on and scratches my son. Wakes up screaming every night b/c she wants her tv turned on. It's worse when my fiancé is home- constantly whining and crying for his attention. Trashes the house and breaks things, refuses to clean up after herself. Screams at the top of her lungs. Plays with her poop. Extremely needy, never wants to play by herself. I am at home mostly d/t having a 3 mo old D with my fiancé. I feel a lot of pressure to be "mommy" to her and it's a lot to take on. I just don't have those same feelings like I have for my own kids. I love my fiancé so much so I really try to be patient. Blending families is so hard. I think if we didn't have full custody of her it would be much easier on us, it's so challenging raising a child that is not yours, esp when you have your own children to care for as well. My personality I'd starting to change, I'm constantly irritable and tired b/c I have to discipline her every 5 seconds. If I didn't have my infant I would be back at work full time in a heartbeat. Don't know what to do I'm miserable.

vicki1035's picture

wow..your story is truly the same as mine. my stepdaughter is now 9, came into our home when she was 3. Her mother compensates for me being strict by letting her being obnoxious and hoggish. She as well doesn't wipe her ass and pisses in her pants, a lot. my husband would say, its just a little dribble. He minimizes her behavior because he thinks i am picking on her and feels sorry for her. The big picture is that the more i show i cant stand her because of her passive aggressive behavior, the more he feels sorry for her. We fight every time she is here. She knows all she has to do is not speak when i am around and tell her daddy she is afraid of me. he falls for the game and gets nasty with me. I am learning to talk to her, even though it is so tough cuz i cant stand how manipulative she is, and she hates it when i talk to her because it forces her to talk and takes her game away. i am getting better at forcing myself to talk and find it makes her true self come out, extremly snotting and nasty. When she can't hide behind the victim attitude which i made possible for her, she has to perform and she hates that. I am in control, not her. Another thing my counselor told me is she is very needy cuz she doesn't have a biological mother who fullfills her emotional need cuz she is so selfish going to bars all the time that when she comes to our house every other week, one week with BM and one week with us, she is starving for attention. My new thing that really helps now too is i tell my husband to take her to the stores and to "have at her". When she sees i am not going to compete with her for her dads attention she feels like an ass and stops her glaring and staring at me constantly game. just this weekend he picked a fight with me and called me a fucking asshole for not going to the store with him. I told him to take her so she wasn't a bitch. She is extremly jeolous. Now i am trying something new. If she sees that her pouty behavior gets rewarded by her dad being mean to me and she gets so happy when we fight, i decided to reverse it. I told my husband to announce to her that he was taking me shopping tonight for an new outfit at the mall because he feels so bad about being mean to me again because he thought i was being ignorant to her. He said i feel really bad for treating my wife that way because I thought she was being mean to her. Away we went shopping and got me a new shirt at hollister. The hope is that if she sees i get rewarded for it she may stop with her manipulation and getting him pissed at me. Anyway, i will give this marriage and this dynamic 4 more years, until my 2 boys are in college, and if it is the samee I am out. I fortunately have a prenup and the house is mine. Life is to short to live this tough dynamic forever.

Auteur's picture

"tell her daddy she is afraid of me."

I always LOVE when this happens. . .translation: "SM can see through my manipulative shit I am pulling and my biological relatives can't/won't; that's why I HATE SM!!"

txcajunmom's picture

yep! that's also my life!! lol my "ss"6 (not dh's bio) is a handful to say the least. dd3 speaks better than him, knows her colors and ss does not, knows her abc's and ss does not, the list goes on. he also cries about an hour a day, at least. some of this is due to his add/adhd but disorder or not, its annoying. also when i tell him to do something he just stares at me like he dont understand what im saying. ie: last night i tell all the kids to wash their hands before dinner. ss9 and dd3 go wash their hands. "ss"6 just looks at me like he dont understand, so i said again, go wash your hands. no attitude, just repeated my previous sentence. he goes to the restroom and cries, loudly. dh goes in there and asked "what are you crying for now?" he actually replied "tx told me to wash my haaaaaaannnddssss!"


whatever eat your taco with dirty hands and get sick then! i dont care! ugh!

ABealmear's picture

My husband of 3 years has a 7 year old daughter, and I simply cannot stand her! Just the thought of her coming to visit us on the weekends sends me into a HORRIBLE mood! And when school breaks come around, I dread it just because I dont want her around and I definately dont want to give up my time to deal with her!
Her behavior is not necessarily that bad, but she whines and cries more than any child I have ever come in contact with! And she NEVER stops talking about herself and will make up the most elaborate lies I have ever heard! And is just down right annoying ALL the time!
My husbands mother helped him raise her before I came into the picture and I she is mostly responsible for the way my SD acts. She pretty much taught her that adults were put in this world to entertain her and to be at her beck and call! My husband and I have both tried to teach her differently and let her know that this is not the case but she still cannot get it through her head that she is not the only person on the planet!
My husband can tell that I dont want her around and I have openly told him that I would prefer that she not be here if he isnt going to be here. But again I feel guilty about it, not because of her but because I know that it hurts my husband to know that I cannot stand his daughter and really wouldnt mind if she simply disappeared.
I just dont know what to do anymore! My attitude towards her only gets worse every day and I am at a loss as to what to do next.
I cannot escape the feelings of just not wanting her in our lives at all.
And to make matters worse, I am 8 months pregnant myself, and I know that I will treat my son so much differently than my SD just because I actually DO love him.
I need some serious help.

_mickey10's picture

I am a grandma of an 8 yrold. Her mother left her when she was 4. Now my son has a woman in his life who used to love my granddaughter. Now they have 2 babies, 1&1/2 yr & a newborn. This stepmom is now a wicked step mother to my granddaughter. She is horriable. Do you know what this does to small children who see their siblings being treated differently,& they are always yelled at or their step mom can't stand them. You either need to get help for how you feel towards your SD. or leave , cuz you will only damage her self esteem. It seems to me this child is crying for love and acceptance, stop being so hard on her and just love who she is. SHE IS A CHILD.'s picture

What part of steptalk don't you understand? And another thing she might be a child but children still know right from wrong lady!

Bsmom's picture

Have you ever considered that maybe you don't know what goes on in your granddaughter's home with her dad and stepmom and new siblings?? I am a SM in a similiar situation. I sacrificed everything and loved SD unconditionally for 3 years. After some time she decided she didn't like me and she lies, steals, make threats, etc daily. How are we supposed to feel when they say "i wish you never married my dad, I don't love you, etc" Yes, i treat my kids differently, but I never wanted it to be this way. I nurture those relationships because they love me. Love is a verb. SD has rejected me thru her words and actions for 4 years now. Why should I keep trying to force this relationship on her?

JustBlank's picture

The truth, she never loved your granddaughter. In the beginning, it was easy because she thought as all of us do that things would change. Well, lady, they dont and these little SD think they re the apple of Daddy's eye and all they do is cause family issues. If you are so worried, take her and raise her yourself. Thats what I would suggest my Fiance's mother to do. I will not have my heart tortured by a manipulative little girl. Your granddaughter will grow up to feel just as we do if she falls in love with a man that has a child with another woman. No woman will ever except the SD. Thats why the story of the red headed step child has been around for 100 of years, as well as Cinderella. Me, hating mine, I do very mean things such as tell her that her daddy is mine. I get tired of her pushing and pushing. Coming from an honest and blunt person. Save your granddaughter.

Jellybeam's picture

Oh BS!! Probably the 8 year old (and you) need help. Do you know what it does to a small child when their mother bails? Don't pin this on the step-mom. She ain't the one that left and you aren't a step parent so get the fuck out!!'s picture

Your story sounds exactly like mine. I don't know what to do either really. But what's worse is that I can't get pregnant and really want to. The resentment just keeps growing inside and for the meanwhile I have to keep dealing with this little bratty kid. It's actually starting to ruin our marriage between my husband and I. We have gone as far as seeking counseling to help us. They gave some good pointers but I still don't want her around. I cannot change how irritating, bratty, and spoiled she is and it is because of her mother she is so unpleasant. I don't treat her bad but deep down inside I don't love her as my own nor don't ever want to either. All I can say is keep trying to do the right thing even if it does hurt. Mostly, do it for your husband if you love him.

jojo68's picture

I feel the same makes me feel so torn. It is quite obvious that when FSD is at a friends or the rare instance that she goes to her moms, everyone is so much more relaxed and at ease in our home. When she is here, it is loud, completely caotic, tense, and everything is a train wreck. Sometimes I have to remove myself from the room she is in because she is so f***** annoying...asking the same question over and over again and saying DAAAADDDDDDDDYYY just for the sake of saying it or rolling around on the floor and swinging her head back and forth.

Typical conversation:
FSD: What are we having for dinner Daaaaaaaaadddyyyyyyyyyy?
FDH: I don't know ask Jojo
FSD: What are we having jojo?
Me: Spaghetti
FSD: BUTTTTTTTT Daaaaaaaaaaadsdddddyyyyyyy I don't like no spaghetti..take me to McDonalds.
FDH: You need to eat what we have.
FSD: But I hate spaghetti it makes me throw up.
FDH: You liked spaghetti last week
FSD: But I don't like that
FDH: You are eating it.
FSD: Crying...I'm hungry..I haven't eat all never take care of me or feed me.
Five minutes lapse:
FSD: Daaaaaaaaadddddddddddy what are we having for dinner
FDH: I told you spaghetti
FSD: Please take me to McDonalds
FSD: Can we go to Mcdonalds?
FSD: Please McDonalds
FSD: Pleassssssseeeeeeeeee daaaaaaaaddddddddddddyyyyyyyyyyyyy
And it goes on from there for about another 30 miniutes and FDH usually gives in and gets her food.

Firechick911's picture

Sounds like Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddddddddddyyyyyyyyyyy needs a backbone... no wonder why she's like that! All he is teaching her is how to manipulate until she get what she wants! Parenting IS tough, nothing in life worth having is ever easy, ESPECIALLY getting children to listen, be obedient, and comprehend that no means NO. If he thinks it's tough now, he's in for one hell of a rude awakening in the future!!! Either work hard on her now and relax/enjoy her when she's older, or be lazy now and have your work cut out for you both... Hmmm... The choice should be an easy one. Good luck!!!

moonchild's picture

sounds like a conversation and a weekend visiting with my bf and his son.. so relate. It sometimes puts me in a rage and I am not a person who rages but it is constant and continual. If we are not doing exactly as said child wants we all will no longer be happy. And his son has nothing to say until we talk even on the phone and then he interupts continually, tried to understand because of the custody thing, but it is so obviously on purpose now and worse. Even when we talk on the phone. My bf and I live far away so when we see each other it is special and often has been awhile. I am def the option in his life and always will be

Ineedabreak's picture

OK... it is 5:30 pm on a Friday and my fiance's kids are in town. We are supposed to come over and spend the night and go on the boat in the morning. I have a pit in my stomach. First off, his kids understandably at this point see us as invaders into THEIR home, so despite the fact that I have done and paid for COUNTLESS things for them, I feel like a temporary guest and they make it clear that they dont like me around.

The younger one is fine, most of the time - though she did recently tell me her dad had two girlfriends and that he wanted to marry the other one (a little too close to home since he actually DID have an affair with her several years ago). I wanted to die. The older one is just cold. I get them gifts and she acts like they are dumb and she cant even be bothered to open it or say thank you. Just acts like a bitch.

She is also exactly like her mother. Obnoxious, controlling, overbearing. She speaks to my fiance like she is the parent. She treats all the other kids like she is their mother. When i finally said "xxx thats enough", she suddenly started crying about how everyone was bossing her around and hurting her, when she - in the 99% range for her BMI - was body slamming the regular sized kids!

I feel really bad for saying this because i have tried for three years to develop a relationship with these girls, but I cant stand them and I cannot stand especially how their dad, my fiance, treats me and my children when we are together. He defends their bad behavior, puts up with the bullying from his older girl, and undermines me if ever i DARE try to manage the kids as a babysitter might. I mean, he will lay into my kids, but when he heard me say "xxxx - thats enough!" he said I should have gotten him first. Well, even when he is right there and he sees his kids pushing and hitting he has total blinders on.

I am scared to move in together. I reallyl cannot stand them.... please help

BeetleB's picture

WOW, your story really hits home with me. I have been married for two years and my husband has three kids. I have one son (10) and his kids are 8,9 &10. Anyway, I cannot stand his daughter! I have tried to change my attitude but nothing helps. I have read stories on here that are much more extreme as far as bad behavior, so in a way I am grateful it's not worse, but my disdain for her is probably as strong! My SD walks in our door and immediately talks like a baby (she's 9). She demands attention at all times by all adults. She talks incessantly and makes sure you are paying attention. She fakes nightmares all the time so she can sleep with her Dad and either talks about wanting her parents back together or saying she wishes I would go away so she could marry my husband (her dad). Something new each time she comes over to make things uncomfortable and me upset. In the meantime, she is very evil to her brothers (although they can be bad sometimes too). Tattle tailing, making up stories, etc. (but I that's normal kid stuff to an extent)I would say the biggest problem is that my husband does nothing about her behavior. He feels guilty because he only sees her every other weekend, etc. I get to the point where I get depressed and irritable the few days prior to our weekend with the kids. I dread it! Sometimes I have to leave when she is there and I even started working on weekends so I didn't have to be there when his kids come. This makes matters worse because my husband gets upset with me. Very tough on our marriage. Just like many others have stated, I wouldn't care if I never saw her again! Of course, I'm not saying I want anything bad to happen to her but I would definitely not miss her either. I keep thinking things will get better as she gets older. I feel so bad about the way I feel that I feel like I need counseling!

NTSureWTDo's picture

Wow!!!!! I have all but, no wait I have gone insane too!!! My almost 4-year-old step daughter has made our lives hell since three months after she moved in with us. I'm sooooo worn out and now its to the point its interferring with my bf and I relationship I feel. I get the stare at me like she does not know what I am saying thing as well as the two or three hour temper tantrums that involve screaming, kicking the floor, walls and door as well as what sounds like throwing herself from bed to wall! If I ignore her she gets louder, if I get upset at her she gets madder! I turn up the music so i don't have to hear her and she just gets louder. I usually get the pleasure of dealing with these at least three times a day on a good day and well i don't EVEN KNOW how many on a mediocre day. She hits, fights with, kicks, pinches and lies about all the other kids and is a totally different kid around other people. I talk to people trying to get ideas, i worked with the DD population and have used everything I was trained in with her to no avail, and most of them cannot believe she is really this way. She is sweet and cute if you do not have to live with her abuse! She has begun a mild form of these behaviors at school, as time has progressed so have her behaviors at home and it is SUCH the relief tht she is exhibiting them there now too! She went to a psychologist who did not do anything for her. I do not think she has the concept of love, her love toward her father does not feel real to me, and she is sooooooooooo mean and then turns around and says I love you. I'm at wits end I do not want to loose my bf we actually have a great relationship. she will be going to her mother for visitation soon and that is a huge concern as well as a huge relief!! My 6-year-old said she has an evil side and a good side, wow! In addition it is starting to seem that everyone blames me for her behavior at home, my children have rules, boundaries and manners or they hear about it. I believe in structure and boundaries and responsibility/consequences. This child will choose standing in the corner or any other punishment rather than per say picking up her toys. She would go all day without a drink just to spite me (i request the kids ask with manners for what they need, not cry or demand it at me)which is really spiting her cuz she's the one thats thirsty and refuses to ask for a drink, she'll cry in her room that she thirsty and all she had to do was ask or speak where i can hear her. The school has told me she has been gorging herself on her food (eating til she has a stomach ache) yet at home I can barely get her to eat! She does not seem to have reasoning skills (thinks she can't go in kitchen cuz i said to stay out of the rooms, where in reality it is because of dangers in the kitchen and has been told this many times) Ahhhhhhh I really love my man I just don't know what to do with his offspring, and the relationship he has with my kids is normal.

musicismysanity86's picture

I agree with all of these posts so much. I also am at a dead end where I just don't know what to do anymore. My step daughter just turned 5 and I have known her since she was a yr old. We just recently got full temporary custody of her because her mother went to jail which made a perfect opportunity to file for custody. So we did. Now, I'm regretting it. I wanted her here because her mother doesn't care, has already stated to her family that she only has her for the child support money my husband pays. I feel she was brainwashed by her mother to act a certain way, she wasn't raised right, she had her put on ADHD medicine. We just had her evaluated and they said she doesn't need it. She did it to dope her up. So bottom line, I'm dealing with a 5 yr old who doesn't listen to me at all because of how she was raised by her mother, repeats bad behavior after getting scolded for it, there is no punishment that works anymore. My kids have picked up her bad behaviors because she won't listen. Oh, and children and youth are involved because of her mother not paying attention and she got out of the house at night time 3 times in one night, and also another incedent of the same thing. Now they are in my business since we have custody of her, and they are siding with her mother since she got out of jail. Big surprise. She runs through the house, doesn't have an indoor voice, tells me she don't listen to her mom so she don't have to listen to me, takes food from my children, lies about having to use the bathroom just so she can try to sneak food out of the kitchen (must walk through kitchen to get to bathroom then sneaks food). She terrorizes my kids which upsets them and me, by picking on them or taking their toys. There is just a whole list of stuff that goes on since she is here and I'm tired of it. I'm doing my best because she deserves better than the life her mother gave her and treated her, and I love my husband and want this to work for him and us, but it doesn't look good......

sweetness01's picture

Wow I completely understand the whole issue of having different ideas about discipline. When SD6 comes round we have the same problem as you...I dread it for days in advance, there's always an argument with me and my bf and suddenly I feel Im pushed to one side!

My bf obviously wants to make the most of the time he has with his daughter, which I honestly do understand, but this causes problems because we refuses to tell her off! Although she is generally well behaved she is only 6 so obviously plays up now and again, but he will NEVER correct her. In fact he often does quiet the opposite eg will happily let her eat half a packet of biscuits in one sitting without eating her dinner first etc.

I was raised very differently to this and would never ever bring my kids up like this, for a start because I do not feel it's doing them any favours in the long run. But if I say this to my bf it's always an argument and apparently Im against SD!

AnnoyedMamaC's picture

I have a 9 year old step daughter, let me back up, I have been with my Fiance for 8yrs now, when he and I met she was only 16 months old, he and his ex wife were broke up way before he and I had even met, and she never knew them to be together. Anyhow, As a baby, she was real whiny, I just figured it to be the "baby stage" and didn't blink an eye, well now she is 9 and acts like she is 4 or 5, most kids her age can't even stand her because she wants to play childish games,for instance "Let's play doggy's and kitties" :? the other kids look at her like she's dumb. Her voice grates my nerves something fierce, it is nasal and whiny, monotone, high pitched, squeal like and she shrieks, her voice to me is like nails on a chalk board. She was extra hard to potty train, one time went so far as to piss herself right in front of me and my old man and then TRY to lie and says she didn't as her clothes were dripping with pee, to this day she is STILL pissing her pants, even in class, it's intentional. When you speak to her about something she did wrong or if she's in trouble she will whine and cry, sobbing, she also does this to get her way as well. I have caught her being cruel to our Wiener Dog, she tried to drown him. She tattles ALL THE TIME, over NOTHING, my 14 yr old Son used to hang out with her and keep her outta my hair because he knew and could see just how much she does to try and get me upset, well he did up until she recently started ratting him out for things he DID NOT do, accusing him of things he wasn't even home for, blaming him for her room being messed up, and even intentionally hurting him physically, now he tries to stay away from her too, only deals with her when he has to. I can't stand this kid, I'm not sure, but I'd bet money that she is slow, if she's not then she pulls off stupid rather well then. I completely understand what you meant by getting depressed a week before your Step child got there because I do the same thing, usually I will hide out in my room for the weekend she is here, but now it is summer time and we have her for 4 long weeks, and as always I'm dreading it, she hasn't even been here a week yet and I am ready for her to go home already. My fiance's whole family walks on egg shells for this kid and baby the hell outta her, let her get away with EVERYTHING, and when we go to his family's house, she puts on one of the biggest shows you have ever seen, does little things here and there that she SHOULD be in trouble for, but because her Granny or Auntie is there I get a f*** you grin and swear I hear a "haha" in her voice, and she sure does get a little skip in her step as well, therefore I HATE going to his families for their functions, they all think she is great. When I have to tell the old man to get after her, it's like he might as well be hanging out with his friends "hey man, can't be doing that, alright?" GIVE ME A BREAK! This is so nice knowing I have somewhere and other people that can relate, I really started feeling as if I were alone when it came to this.

AnnoyedMamaC's picture

Oh and the kicker she just recently started her period and is walking around telling everyone like it is big news, with a grin on her face at that :jawdrop: So not only do I have to stay on her about using the toilet and watching to make sure my couch isn't getting pissed on, but now I get to make sure she ain't bleeding all over my furniture too! And hearing hearing her bellow for my fiance is disturbing too, I mean, almost 10 and you seriously are still going "Daddy can I have sumpin like a snack?" UGH! >_<

AnnoyedMamaC's picture

Oh dear god, please someone shoot me! She actually whined and tattled on an 18 month old baby for "pulling her hair" basically the baby kicked her ass! And just now she actually came out "Daddy can you help me make the water warm?" are you serious?! She's almost 10 and she can't even get the damn water for a bath figured out?! Christ, I was taking showers at 10 and getting my own water ready, and even was changing diapers! This is getting worse every year!

KIDDCAPRI7's picture

I have someone I can't stand,which is my stupid fat obese half sister named Emily.She used to get beat on.But now,she lives with us now.She is 17.I cannot stand her because she always thinks she's better than everyone.She always want to talk about me.I just can't stand her because she is so fat and gay.I wish she would go back to Southlake.

stressed out SM's picture

Hi, i just stumbled onto this site and can't beleive it!! I am sooo happy to see that i'm not the only one who can't stand her step son...i feel awful about it all thetime but now that i see others who are living the same as me i feel better!! my step son is 6 and he tries everything to try to make me look bad and my husband just can't see it...defends him all the time, for example, my step son spilled my drink last night and my husband blamed me because "i shouldn't have left my glass on the floor"!!!! he can't see that this empowers him all the more! he's whiny, irritating and plays the game well. \he's fine with me by myself, but as soon as my husband gets home he acts like he's had a terrible day and acts like he's scared of me!!! i have never done anything to this ungrateful child!!! i really can't handle this anymore, i told my husband last night that if something ruins this marriage it will be his son!!! my husband has 2 from a previous marriage and i have 1 from a previous relationship, and we have 1 together...if i knew then what i know now, i totally would not have gotten into this!! i'm only 27 and feel like crap all the time because i'm so stressed and depressed about this life i'm living, WOW it feels good to say this...thanks!!!!!!

Keep Hope Alive's picture

I will be 26 in September and up until recently I felt like you all the time. I have a 7 year old daughter, a 5 month old and a 3 1/2 year old step daughter. Most of the time I really like her but I try not to get into her too much because I'm the type to take control and co-parent. I cannot co-parent with my DH because he has a really soft side for her because she is under alot of neglect from her mother. ALot of times when kids are neglected by their mothers the father feels a need to fill that void and it turns into a spoiled brat. Most of the time she is disciplined currently and thats when I feel okay. The times when I see the babying is getting ridiculous I get very crazy. ALso when my 7 year old is in the house with her its always a fight. They have a sort of love hate relationship but its something that we can work on. I use to can;t stand her alot but I see a bright future with me and her father and I will not mess it up because of a bratty stage she's going through. Therefore I will stick it out until the skys get cloudy.

Good luck and try to understand that they will get big one day. If things cant change you will need to not be with her father because it can get very nasty. Dads who love their daughters are very offended and will not allow any stepmother to change the relationship they have with their daughter.

babgyrl02's picture

I would not say that I have arrived at the point of no being able to stand my SD, however I can say that I am quickly reaching the point of no return with her behavior and attitude towards my children as well as my husband's blind eye. You are right in saying that a father will not allow anything to change the relationship he has with his daughter even if it means losing the SM. I'm living that now. I am just glad that even though we are married we still both have our own homes. And you are correct again it can get very ugly quickly. I told my husband that if his 13 yr old daughter puts her hands on either of my kids again and as much as utter a profane word under her breath to me or them they are both out of there.

Anonymous1's picture

Okay, so mom was RIGHT when she said to NEVER get involved with someone who has kids! Im in love with a man who has three children from a previous marriage and the oldest daughter doesnt acknowledge my existance! We use to live in the state they live, but we moved for better jobs and she actually came to visit our hometown. I was wondering WHY she would bother, and sure enough, she ignores the fact I am alive! Its more uncomfortable than anything. Im so freaking stressed out and my boyfriend cant understand why? I feel I am really trying to put myself out there and deal with his baggage, but with no appreciation. An DONT ever talk about them to him! NO WAY! you are always the villan when you try to vent your feelings! Im not sure if we can make it through this! I'm just over trying so hard for nothing!

artman's picture

I have been with my partner for 2 years and her older daughter has always made it perfectly clear that she hates me. She is 11 nearly 12 now and its getting worse every day. As others have said here, she has been molly-coddled too much since birth and treated as if she is some sort of unique child. Her mother I love, but I totally disagree with the way she has brought this child up. It isn't just me she is so rude to either. She refuses to acknowledge her paternal grandmother and blanks her when ever she is with her. She refuses to talk in a civil fashion to the school run mother who shares with us. The girl was put through private school for all the wrong reasons, not because her parents thought it was the best education but because they believed that their darling would find the state system too rough. She believes now that she is superior to other children in our village and refuses to acknowledge them as well. I am a teacher in the state sector and have a totally different view of the system to my partner (after 20 years in the secondary schools) and yet apparently I am wrong and don't understand that state schools are awful. The consequence of this fundamental disagreement and the fact that the daughter is so rude means that her mother and I have the most awful rows, and somehow I am always the bad guy. I feel that after 20 years of working with teenagers I have a better grasp of how to motivate and help them into the adult world than this first time mother, and yet she seems to be frightened of upsetting her daughter because she is so delicate and different from other children. Consequently there is little discipline and her mother believes it will undermine confidence if you tell a child not to do something. I could go on, but hope that my message is clear. I am so relieved to find that I am not alone with this problem. And yes I have ended up hating this girl, particularly after she tried to wreck all my clothes by spraying them with something sticky and difficult to remove. I have to remove my toothbrush from the bathroom after using it because she admitted to her younger sister Diablo that she had brushed it round the toilet rim. Fortunately she hasn't turned her sister against me and I only have her to contend with, but it is now in danger of totally wrecking my relationship with her mother and though I hate to think about it I don't think I can cope with much more. Incidently I have had to leave my last school as in September the girl is due to start there (its a grammar school so acceptable to her parents) and I have taken a job in another school. I couldn't cope with my good reputation amongst the children at the school being soured by this awful girl, or having to face colleagues who have to deal with her constant rudeness.

Can&#039;t take it's picture

i understand where you are coming from. i have been with my partner/wife for 3yrs and dealing with her son has just gotten worse. he was bad at 11 when we got together but now he is 15 and out of control. he's not rude to me like your SD, but he might as well be. He lies, steals, and has no respect for anyone, not even his own mother, and that doesen't seem to bother her. i don't know what to do anymore. i love my partner but i can't take living like this anymore. i dont want to do anything that envolves her son at all, and she can't seem to understand that. so i feel for you. i hope that things get better for you.

M9onica's picture

WOW - I completely feel all of you. My hubby has 3 girls - 22 - 19 amd 15. My kids are 15 and 11. The first two had babies in highschool - but they are still nice girls - we get along great - except that they are both pretty needy being young mothers - the third came to live with us 10 months ago. She is a freaking weirdo - goth emo chick - has not friends to speak of - has slutty ways - gropes all over her father - like she wants him to be her man - and is completely embarassing to take out anywhere. She has terrible hygiene - she is passive aggressive - LIES - STEALS and has fantasies about her parents getting back together - in spite of the fact that it has been 10 years - her mother has moved on and has a 5 year old. Her mother doesn't even want her!

I love him, but i am considering leaving him because I HATE HER!

Before she came we had a perfect blended family, we had so much fun and idd everything together. He had an amazing relationship with my kids, which has suffered soooo much!


auroradusknd's picture

Get this kid in a inpatient treatment center to help her with her low self esteem and explore possible sexual abuse. She's got a Freudian thing going. An Electra Complex maybe.Your DH should be careful. I was in Vegas and saw a girl (about 13) doing this (touchy feely) to her dad I thought it was Gross and contemplated calling the cops. I didn't even think it was instigated by the kid. I just assumed dad was a pervert. The thing that shocked me was that Mom was right there the whole time like she was okay with it..

vicki1035's picture

Hang in there if you love your husband. My councelor told me if i decided to stay with him, cuz i kicked him out twice cuz of her, that you do become a better person yourself from what you learn. I have learned so far that i am a stronger person because of what i have learned on how to handle this type of personality dirsorder. My SD also has stolen from me, carved huge marks in my chairs, paint & marker on carpet, and cut my curtains. Let them be angry, not you. If you love your husband the way i do when she is not there you have to keep trying different things with every new situation. Be nice to them, they hate it. Let your husbands "have at them" and get some peaceful alone time or quality time with your bio kids. Always find good in the bullshit, that's what i am learning. I know my husband is starting to see it cuz since i stopped putting her down for her shit, he is starting to admit that he sees her snotty mean attitude and see through the passive aggressive bitch, she looks good when she is being bad.

Cindy23's picture

OMG I totally know that feeling. BF's daughter came to stay with us for a month. She told her father that she hates me. She is mean to my kids, told him he had no business having another child with me. Ugh...I am pulling my hair out. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I pretty much hang out in my bedroom counting down the days until she goes home...yeah 6 more days!!1

thatdriskillgirl's picture

I have been with my husband for almost 7 years & it never changes & it only gets worse the older they get. They start listening to their BM disrespect you & they do as well. It only gets worse in most cases. If your situation is different, I am sooo proud for you but I would rethink the fact that since you dont have children you dont have to put up with the same crap as the rest of us with children do. Hope this helps!

edwina7's picture

Listen to your mother. It gets worse as time goes by, at least that is the way it is for my me. I love my husband dearly, but his grown children are AWFUL!!!
It is so much easier to find a man at your age without kids.
Do yourself a favor sister and get out now!
Sorry to be the bearer of such negative news, but I have this only regret, and if I had it to do all over, I would probably have not marrried into this situation.

What can i do?'s picture

OMG I know what Ur feeling. I'm 28 and my husband is 43 he has 4 kids (3 boys with ex wife and 1 daughter with ex gf) I have no kids of my own and he lied to me and told me we would have kids of our own but now he decided he doesn't want anymore because he's done raising them, the kids range in age from 22-7 yrs old.
I don't have a problem with my step sons but my step daughter is a horror. The drama that this little girl and her mom have caused us is ridiculous and my poor husband has no clue how to handle it. this little girl would hit me throw things at me tell me she hates me tell me its my fault her parents are no longer together, ok I’ve been with my husband for 4 years she's 7 he hasn't been with her mom since my step daughter was 2! C'mon!
This psycho woman would call for the stupidest things and get us all upset and at each others throats, she would love to stir the pot...just to be a brat. I've had numerous arguments with this woman about her phone calls and the stupidity that comes out of her mouth. She’s constantly telling me that my step daughter is not my business, when she is in my home she is, even if she's nasty and mean she still is our responsibility. she wouldn't let her come to our home after we were married and I told her that she's making a big mistake because she is depriving her daughter time with her father. It’s not about her well being it’s about the well being of her daughter, but she's such an air head she doesn't get it. Mind you this woman has 3 kids with 3 different men, great example she's setting for her daughters. Grant it it's not any better with my husband having 2 baby mamas. It’s hard and trust me at times I just want to grab all my stuff and run, run far far away and not look back.
It’s been difficult for me because I lost everything to be with this man my family my friends and my life. It’s my own fault because I’ve allowed this to happen and I’ve taken on the responsibility of a parent. I went from a happy go lucky woman who would come and go as she pleases I was very independent and now I’m not. I depend on him for everything. I hate that.
But love is blind and I follow my heart and pray to GOD that this gets better. I’m at my wits end with this.
My husband and I have started counseling and it has helped a little but that feeling of disgust (I know that sounds bad) is around every time she’s at our home.
I’m sure in time it will work itself out or with some family counseling it will get better but I really really try to tell girls to stay away from men with baggage cuz it does get old quick…but I’m sure it’s not like this for all.
Good luck with all but if anyone is dating a man with kids be aware that baby mama’s and kids don’t go away. They’re there forever!

musicismysanity86's picture

I know how you feel with the whole kids mother thing. My step daughter's mother is always causing trouble for us. When I first starting dating my husband, before my kids came along with him, I was every name in the book to her out of her mouth because she didn't want her around HER daughter. Well guess what it's NOT completely your choice, even thought I understand where she's coming from , I would be a little hesitant about a stranger with my kids too. She used to call all the time and be bossy when we had her for the weekend or such she just doesn't know when to stop. And shes also a blubbing idiot too! She thinks shes God Almighty, Miss know it all but all she knows is how to screw up her daughters life which affects my life and my kids. I spend everyday wishing things were different that she weren't here. I don't need this stress while I'm pregnant and I don't want my marriage to go down the drain. I wish everyone all the luck in the world only I highly doubt luck will help us Sad

TNA's picture

This kid sounds like a nightmare! But however, I can relate. Sort of. You see, many kids who have step parents hate them for reasons I cant explain. I know this because i am a teenager who has a step dad. And so I can can help you out the most because I've been there, done that so I know what it's like. Now, back to the hating thing. One reason a step kid might hate you is because you're just a step parent and not a biological mother or father, which can be irritating. I know. Now this can lead to many things. Mabe the kid might hate you because there's something he's going through that you just cant understand. Like mabe the reason he's been so bad to you is because he's desperate for attention. He needs you to understand his issues. And if you cant understand, then things are gonna get hectic. I know this because, once again, I am the step daughter of a step dad. And I know how frustrating it is to deal with step parents. I too am having issues that only me and my mom understand. Because we both went through it. And it bothers me. And no matter how hard I try, I cant escape it. So mabe your step son has some issues that he wants to go away. And he wants you to notice that something's wrong with him in obviously, the most horrible ways. So the next time he acts scared and mad at you when your husband comes home, ask him "Is there anything that you want to talk about? I'm all ears and I can help you. Why do you treat me like this? what's wrong?" And mabe, he might tell you.


me's picture

so my step son is unbearable and my soon to be mother in law broke out a huge fight last night 04/26 over this whole situation. now my husband and i are fighting and infront of the kids. we fight about my step son everytime he comes i get depressed a week b4 hes here because i know we are going to fight about something in regards to the monster step son. and now mom in law butts her head in and makes everything worse and even harder on me!!!! my step son is 3 and i hate hate hate hate hate him!!! i dont even want to try and like him anymore, i tried for the last two years and im done trying.. why should i cater to a 3 year old. although everyone else does for guys think you know what whining is when he talks he whines and i want to smack him, although ive never hurt him i may have fantisized about doing so just cuz i cant stand the way he whines and crys all the time. and u know what i was a nanny for 3 kids and loved them so much and my own 3 kids i take care of and love, and its hard for my future hubby to understand how i can love other peoples kids and my own but when it comes to his its hard. not hard IMPOSSIBLE! and i tell him its beacuse i hate the way he looks acts and talks!! i hate everything about the kid, and i will never be able to accept him.... u know what the kid is fine when hes home with me and the other boys he may be a mopey child or a child of depression (his mom is bi-polar) however when daddy or grandma come over its tears tears tears i wanna go with you. so grandma thinks he doesnt like it at our house because of me. becuase i have time out and they get spanked when they hurt one another. i dont think the kid has ever gotten a spanking. i have 3 other children of my own whos 3 a 2 year old and then a 1 year hello people like i dont have enough on my plate!!?? the 3 year old step son and the 1 year old have the same dad. i feel like water parts when his 3 year old is around and so yea well my future husband acts like hes tired of his own kids behavior but sometimes i think he acts like that because i tell him im sick of him not disciplining him and always taking his side. he punishes him but turns around and kisses and hugs him so no wonder the kid is confused and knows he can get away with bad behavior. nana doesnt help any, always holding him and babying him and giving him what he wants. OH LIKE HIS BLANKETS!! im sick of hearing hes only 3 whats the big deal about him having a blanket?? umm everytime he goes anywere any time he gets in trouble he says im cold i want my blanket I WANT TO BURN THEM!!!!!, and then its i want to blow my nose, im sick (just because hes in trouble mind u) and when i just ask him a question he starts to hyperventalate. my soon to be hubby puts a chip infront of him the other day and he starts to cry cuz he didnt want to eat it! MY GOD ITS A CHIP GET OVER IT!!!. and my soon to be hubby says well maybe hes this way because he gets bounced from house to house, maybe he follows me like my shadow because hes a guest in this house and he feels uncomfortable sitting with the other kids. maybe he senses your angry at him and that you dont like him. he says i can make an effort well u tell me does buying a bounce house for the kids riding bikes flying kites and going to the park sound like making and effort to you?? i mean i include him and he just brings my kids mood and my mood down cuz he crys or whines the entire time!!! my hubby cant move without that kids following him... did i mention he has a speach impediment so he cant say his ssssssss.. so instead of snake its nake and semi truck is emi truck and GOD DANG!!i make him say it right but no one else does, and my future hubby thinks its funny...he also thinks its funny when he throws a fit and jumps up and down screaming. and im like thats funny to you i would beat him and throw him in his room!!!.. i dont know what to do ive told him to take the kid to nana's house we live right next door to his mom .. shes making false accusations that i beat the kid, so i said fine he can go over there when he comes and i dont have to put up with his crap or see him, and THAT IS PERFECTLY FINE TO ME!! i tried to leave him( future hubby) last night and he said he wouldnt bring the kid around to our house if that would make me stay,( ive heard this b4, and then its well monster is comming can you watch him while im at work) u know what sucks is my three year old says "thats my friend i want him around" but im like how could u he crys even when my kid wants to play with moster i think my kid just needs to find another play mate it would have been nice if this MONSTER child would be normal, so my son would have somone to play with.. ive notice too that now my child took monsters behavior and started to be clingy and throws fits. it takes me a week sometimes two to get his behavior back to normal.... ugghgh i think i could just keep going forever about this subject.... u know i think sometimes maybe everyone is right maybe i am letting a 3 year old get to me maybe i do need couseling to help me accept him, but im past the point of trying why should i get counceling when the kids the one with the problem..??? im gald you all feel the same way!! THANK YOU FOR LISTENING!!!! signed a very destressed woman/mom/stepmom

disgusted's picture

I can relate I have never hurt step brat either..But a few times the thought of accidently dropping the hair dryer in her bath water occured to me!

In a perfect world their would be retroactive abortion capabilities. ~ disgusted

StepMadre's picture

I was so happy to read your blog because I am going through the same thing! After doing my best and throwing myself into being the best step-mom on the planet, I am completely fed up and hate my step-kids as people. I do care about them in that I see that the way they are isn't really their fault, but at the same time, I think that even small children make choices about what kind of people they are and some kids are just nasty little monster brats. I relate to your experience, because I have a two year old nephew that I adore and he could not be any sweeter or more amazing. He makes my step-kids look so bad it's not even funny and it's been really hard for my husband to see that I love my little nephew with all my heart and can't stand his kids. I dealt with the problem of feeling overwhelmed and stressed by the kids way too late (just last month). I told my husband that I didn't want to end up hating the kids, but as the words came out of my mouth, I realized that I do hate them at this point. There seems to be some kind of blindness powder that bio parents have in their eyes because I don't know how my husband can fail to see what horrific monsters his sons are turning out to be. I had high hopes that I could help and change them in the beginning, but now I just want to run away. The older one (ten) is weird looking with goggly blue eyes like his mom and bucked teeth and he is clumsy and crashes into everything. You cannot give him even a toddler's toy without him breaking it. He breaks almost everything he touches and going out in public with him is a total nightmare because he actually crashes into people and things around him and is completely oblivious. He knocked over a two year old girl the other day at the mall and DIDN"T CARE that she was crying!!!! He apologized because his dad made him, but he actually tried to get a bribe going for it. "i'll say sorry if we can have pizza for dinner". Uuugh, he is such a freaky monster. He has completely inappropriate social skills and is completely self-absorbed (much like his psychotic mother). He will go up to complete strangers and launch into a story about how great he is at video games or math and he also has a speech impediment that makes him sound like a freak as well as looking like one. His mom is a filthy disgusting pig and she neglected to teach her kids basic hygiene so I stopped doing their laundry as I would only be comfortable touching their undergarments if I was wearing a full HAZMAT suit. Their mom is fat, with bulgy eyes, a round fat face, a double chin and no fashion sense at all. She smells bad and doesn't take care of herself at all. She doesn't buy the kids normal clothes and she allows her son to wear his hair totally disheveled or even better, she "styles" it by parting it in the middle and slicking down the sides. It makes him look so horrible I can't even describe it and I am at the point where even looking at him makes me want to vomit. When I can stand it, I give both the kids short, neat haircuts and I encourage them to use proper hygiene, but I am feeling very resentful that I am having to teach these kids how to wipe themselves and not pee on the floor, rather than their mother. Both kids are developmentally way, way behind, mentally and socially. The weird older one gets bullied at school because he has no social skills and is self-centered and brags about himself constantly (his mother feeds into this and tells him that the other kids are mean because they are jealous). He is selfish, freaky looking, has tantrums worthy of the worlds most bratty two year old and acts about six years younger than he is. He interrupts constantly, fights with his brother constantly and whines constantly. He cries all the time and not doing well at a computer game is enough to make him burst into tears. He is the worst adjusted kid I have ever come across. I grew up in a large family, worked in a pre-school and have friends with kids and they are the weirdest, stupidest, most messed up kids I have ever come across. Their mother is incredibly stupid and i'm amazed that she can make it home from work without getting lost. She knows she is stupid and is really defensive about it, but acts conceited at the same time. The younger kid used to not be as big of a problem for me, but he is getting worse every day. He is four and acts like a two year old. He has a stuffed animal that he can't be without and he throws crying tantrums if he doesn't have him with him or forgets him. He talks on a two year old level, but is mean and sneaky too. He thinks he's cute (and is told by his mother how adorable and cute he is constantly) and plays it up and I find it revolting. He is mean to kids littler than him and lies constantly. Both the kids lie all the time and are happy to sacrifice each other to avoid being in trouble. My husband is struggling with disciplining them and on my bad days I can't even stand to hear their whiny little voices and their self-centered demands. The first thing I hear is their lisping, high pitched voices demanding a snack or juice when they get home. It goes like this: "Dad, dad, dad, dad, I WANT JUICE! Dad, Dad, Dad, I'm HUNGRY, Dad, Dad...." loud constant whining from the moment they step in the front door. They don't ask politely and they will interrupt whoever is talking and just whine over anyone's voice (which is usually his brother doing the same thing). ugh, I could go on and on. They are just sooooo rude and demanding and selfish and self-centered. My nephew on the other hand is completely different. I am not blinded by my love for him because he is related to me, he just happens to be one of the nicest and sweetest kids i've ever known. He isn't perfectly behaved of course, but he is loving, caring, affectionate, smart, well behaved and polite. And he's only two!!! He says "peas" and "thank oo" for everything, even when you do little things like pass him a small toy while playing with him. Every time he sees me he runs over and gives me a huge hug and a kiss and an example of his behavior is this: I was at his mom's house (my sister) and I was watching a disney movie with him. I was leaning against the couch and he was sitting right behind me. We both had bowls of popcorn. he had an adorable little running commentary about the movie "mousey heppy" "love the mousey" "mousey dance" etc.. and he started patting my head gently and saying "soft auntie" and I turned around and he kissed me on my head and offered me some of his popcorn, saying "you like pah-cone?" and then he tried to feed me. I said thank you and he said, "yo we-come". He is just so sweet, caring and polite and I can't believe how different he is from my monster step-children. I actually don't let him play around the step-kids because I don't want him getting hurt or picking up any bad behavior. Ah, anyway, it is great to know that i'm not the only one who can't stand her evil step-children. I loved reading your blog and there are a bunch of us out there listening and going through similar things. Maybe there should be a boarding school where all these nightmare step-kids can go and live together (with their nightmare mothers), like a lepers colony? haha.

Anonymous111111111's picture

they sound autistic, in which case they can't help it. get them assessed at their school and get them some help. you can tell they're not normal, be an adult and help them. you love their father, right?

rinkrats5's picture

Yeah...I work in developmental services...and those kids sound like they have Aspergers Syndrome. Get them some support!

cantstandkate's picture

I call my SD the tiny terror. Since the first day she crawled into my life I have wanted to run for the hills. I can see the image of her hillbilly mother when I look at her face.You want to talk about scary, this little girl looked just like a chucky doll when she was 2. My sister was the first to comment when we started to bring her around. She stares at you with this blank evil stare that would make Freddy pee his pants. She is now going on six and things have just progressed to beyond creepy. Her mother who is the town whore has been threw more men in the past four years then I have dated in my whole life. She never wanted this little girl since the day she was born. She never questions how her daughter is doing or if she needs anything. But attempts to be super mom around the holidays or if she's taking her son to somewhere fun.That's another thing why is she favoring one over the other when they are both her own. She herself is bipolar and refuses to take med's for it. In Dec. of 2008 I gave birth to my son who is the most amazing happy child in the world. Now his life and happiness is being threatened by this tiny crazy kid. She is grade A crazy. The damn kid cant ever ask or say anything less then three times. " I ate my toast. I ate my toast. Hey dad I ate my toast." "Gimme some milk. Gimme me some milk. Milk now I said." Damn kid we get it. Now that piece of work has been hurting my son. She has tried to cut his hand, she asked me what she could feed him that would make him choke, she pulls him by his arms. Now the little freak is singing about dead puppies and killing the dog. Not to mention that she told me her mother, who is very much alive, was dead.I am at my wits end with this child. I want to run from the thing. They have completely messed her up and now I'm afraid of what she may do to my son.

Senderella97's picture

First your attitude from the begining was wrong. You made fun of how a 2 yr old look, really what joking of adult bully are you??? Instead of seeing her as a terror you should see her as a child from a broken home, don't blame the child for how het mother is... You have a lot of growing up to to, and you sure better realze she is starving for attention and sees how her 1/2 brother is treated differently!! It's not easy to he a child when you feel noone cares. From your post you want the child to change but how can she change when you can't change your attitude on how you preceive her??? Maybe you need to be more patient talk to her explain why things are not nice and get on the floor to her level, and not stand above her giving orders or be demanding. Your post on a child you just wrote about you are no angel!!! LCD her and see her as you see your me is very hard to do but you better know one day your sn can have a step mommy...

auroradusknd's picture

I'm there. My SD8 does the same thing. My son was born in Jan 2010.
I keep them as separate as possible. My SD is not allowed to have anything to do with my son or 2 bios because she causes them to act out. I make it very clear to her that WE are going swimming and YOU are not coming because I don't take children that can't follow directions or listen to me to the pool. It's a safety issue. I think it's mean but it's HER behavior that is causing her to be left out and the sooner she understands that the better things will be. Make sure your are making consequences relevant to the crime or else she won't get it.
Lucky my DH understands. Double Bonus I don't have to be around the little snot and I get to teach her lessons that inappropriate behavior equals missing out.

Triggerfishgal's picture

"The damn kid cant ever ask or say anything less then three times. " I ate my toast. I ate my toast. Hey dad I ate my toast." "Gimme some milk. Gimme me some milk. Milk now I said." Damn kid we get it."

My FSS8 does this too. Anyone here who knows child psychology, counseling, education, plain old parenting experience know if that is 1) normal 2) just for attention 3) perhaps a sign of mild mental disability. Reason I ask is that I suspect FSS8 may have mild autism, and I wondered if this might be a symptom. He literally does that for every comment....whether it is something he sees on tv, something he wants to tell us, you name it. Drives me batshit crazy, because even if you finally acknowledge it, he will still end up repeating it, usually ending it with "ok?".
Example "Yeah, I think it is because the train pushes the tinder car. Hey, its because the train pushes the tinder car. Hey y'all, I think it is because the, umm, train pushes the tinder car, ok?" I swear to God, I hope trains everywhere cease to exist.

TMFK's picture

I can totally relate...I cannot stand my step daughter and it’s not even her fault. She comes from a totally a-moral, trash family, which is unfortunate, however, she's a mini version! She is an unruly, manipulative, defiant brat! I know that sounds terrible, but it's the truth. I greatly dislike being in her company that’s how horrible she is. For me, the worst part is my in-laws overlook the terrible behavior and just laugh at everything she does rather than teach her that what she's doing is wrong. She had clear developmental delays and no one is taking the initiative to help this child and prepare her for when she is enrolled in school, where she should really be now, in order to help her not even compete but at the very least be able to stay in line with children her age. It’s so sad that the adults “raising” this child, monkeys could do a better job, are the sole cause of her poor behavior. While moving into my new home I pulled up and her comes my 2.6 yr. old step daughter flying across the parking lot like a bat out of hell!!! Had I left 5 seconds before, she would have undoubtedly ended up underneath my car. The child is laughing hysterically as she’s flying towards the lot and then I see my mother-in-law running behind her laughing as well. My mother-in-law picked her up laughing and giving her raspberries, hmmm… WHAT THE IS GOING ON?! Come to find out 6mths earlier, dyfus was called because one of their neighbors had seen the child roaming around the street unaccompanied by an adult and took her inside and called the police…WOW. This child is headed for a horrible life, considering no one is taking the time to instill any sort of teachings. I refuse to have a child of my own because I don’t want them exposed to this situation or what will inevitably be a complete nightmare of a child…my step daughter. My in-laws think the child is theirs and although my husband and I live 2 hrs away, at times will force him to drive down there after he gets out of work at 7 to pick the child up, drop it off at their house and then leave and drive home. As sad as it sounds, he doesn’t want to be involved and was only introduced to the child for the first time a year ago, so has only known this child for about a year, not even. If I knew this was the whole story I would have thought long and hard before saying “I do”!!!

TMFK's picture

My step daughter does the blank stare as well!!! It's creepy and the look is a little evil. It's chilling to see an expression like that come from a small child. Another step daughter doesn't even have a 50 word vocab yet and the words she can haphazardly form are very much muttered.

stepmamanico's picture

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and assume that you wrote that in a fit of anger and desperation. I have done the same thing in my journals many times. I have also gone on rants to my family members and close friends. (Don't do that by the way! Your friends will naturally take your side, and it will only make them see a monster and not a child. Then they will never be able to help you solve problems, they will just blame the kid.) I'm actually trying to get my mom to stop inadvertently putting my SD down--as though it is everyone's opinion that she is a horrible bratty person.
It's so easy to get caught up in a state of frustration when dealing with a skid. Let's face it, most kids are pretty annoying. Then add the fact that, although you are a "parent" to the kid, you cannot possibly love them unconditionally, you cannot be effective in discipline and teaching because they don't really trust you, you cannot "put your foot down" because you don't have ANY power, etc... Think about it from your SD's side of things. He's 3. His mommy and daddy are not in the roles they SHOULD be. He has no concept of time; how could he possibly understand that you will be around forever when he has never known anything permanent? It's said that children learn how to view the world through the way they are treated during their first three years. i.e. a kid who is constantly yelled at or reprimanded will expect that attitude from everybody, and moreover, will accept this as a normal and acceptable way to treat people. On the other hand, kids who receive love and unconditional caring will tend to view the world as a good place, and will treat others according to that model.
So, can you really expect a 3 year old boy to not only deal with his real parent's failed relationship, adjust to living in more than one home, and take the initiative to be the peace keeper with a SM who doesn't want to go the extra mile for him?
Bigger kids who act like babies are looking for more than just a little attention. They are insecure. They are trying to revert to a time when every little problem they ever had was noticed and solved for him, before he had worries and concerns beyond "I'm hungry." Your SS isn't even fully capable of dealing with his own feelings, let alone able to recognize yours and change his behavior to help you out!
It's not easy to accept new people into your family. Being a SM is especially hard because we notice all the little problems with our skids, hoping that one day we will grow to love them enough not to see all those bad habits. We have to sit by, idly hoping that the people who are supposed to teach our skids how to be decent human beings will suddenly decide to do that.
Don't expect your husband to be as critical of his own child as you are. Dads (generally) don't put importance on things like pleases and thank yous, especially not the same way that moms do. He probably doesn't mind all those things that you find so annoying... and it probably doesn't even occur to him that they would annoy you. People have very different opinions as to what is or isn't acceptable behavior from children, and of what they find cute or endearing. Some of the things that irritate me to no end about my SD are the same things that other people adore (like always wanting the spotlight, making up songs, etc) but it doesn't make them bad.
Try not to judge your husband for his parental deficiencies. He loves his kid--that's more than what some people are capable of. Next time he starts getting on your nerves, call your SS out by his age... "you can't get your shoe on, what are you, 3?" "you can't remember what you wanted for snack? What are you, 3?" It works like a charm. It will make you think about how young he still is, and if it's totally unreasonable, maybe it will make him not want to be a baby or show his dad how far behind he is. Plus anyway, at least you don't have to take credit for any of your SS's bad behavior. Blame it all away, and relish the superior feelings you have for your job as a BM. Boys are more difficult when they are very little, but tend to get easier with age. Treat him with respect, love him--even if you have to fake it, and demonstrate through your own actions the way you want others to behave. Eventually it will get better. There is no point getting worked up over things you cannot control.
And if he's still carrying around a blanket when he starts kindergarten, the other kids will help him with that problem Wink
Vent. Pray. Take a mini vacation in your mind when you get annoyed. Do not keep your partner from being with his kid (he will resent that and blame you in the future). If you don't want to be a responsible parent to your SS, then don't. Let his bioparents keep that burden and bear the fruit of their labor. Or, you can show him the right way... just learn how to deal with it from your end.
I like standing on my soapbox. I wish you the best. Being a SM is the hardest thing I've ever done. It's a constant struggle, one which never goes away. You can be the positive role model this kid needs, and maybe do something for him that he doesn't know he needs. Just don't let a 3 year old get the best of you!

hankdward's picture

I'm sorry, but that is complete garbage. My stepdaughter is 4 and her family only let her know they love her. She does NOTHING wrong. All they do is shower her with praise and love and gifts and attention. Her mom is the exact same way and she is a beast. She is mean to animals, spits on people, cries about anything and every thing and is simply rude. My oldest son is very loving and understanding and I have to say he is far more patient and caring than I am. He ignores every single mean thing this kids does and is polite and funny with her. She loves seeing him, but she is even mean to him. The only times she isn't mean to someone is when people are doing something for her or kissing her butt. Now, given this, it would seem that she would be loving and kind and think of the world as a terrific place. She had 3 years of pure love and attention, but well, that hasn't helped. She is selfish, mean and sly. She waits till no one is around to hurt my dog and hit him and she is crude and nasty to my younger 2 songs, who both just ignore her and don't respond to it, unlike my oldest son who just lets it roll off of him. My whole point here is that some kids are just not good people. We aren't born equal. I am convinced of it. My kids are all different, not just in looks and ability but in personality and each of us in life make our own choices. I totally remember being 5 and 8 and making decisions about good and bad, right and wrong. I remember feeling compassion and pity for people. My step daughter doesn't seem to give a flying **** about anyone other than her or her mom and even with her mom she is rude and mean and orders her around, even yelling and hitting when she doesn't get what she wants. No one hits this kid or yells at her so she came up with this on her own. I am all for being nice and I swear I wish I liked her, but I can't stand her. I am not giving up and I am only on this blog to find ways to improve me so I can either help myself be a better person. I don't know if I'm a good enough person to deal with this, but I know for sure that this is not ONLY my fault and that this kid has a lot to do with it. We can't blame everything on how we were brought up. I had a horrible home life and I'm not cutting the heads off pigeons or abusing people or any weird stuff. We all have a choice to do good despite our past and I really honestly believe that some people are born bad. My girlfriends daughter seems like one of them. Sad but true.

laurielynns's picture

I am really glad I found this sight. I was really feeling guilty because I dislike my step son ALOT... My man and his ex have been separated since the kid was a baby he is now 9, so he does not remember his parents together. When I met my man he was living with his parents moved in with them after the separation 8 years ago my man is now 35 his ex lives with her parents since the separation. My man has never really had to look after this kid as his parents have always taken on that role. and his ex is the same. My step son and I got along well in the beginning until my man moved in with me, My man's son told my man he should of asked him for his permission to move in with me his ex wife agreed with the kid also. The kid disrespects my man and myself along with my 4 children. He comes for the weekend creates friction then sits back and smirks about it. My man asks his son to do something and he just ignores him. This kid has been babied and my man and his parents are always making excuses for this kids behavior. This kid has even lied to his mother and my mans parents telling them how mean me and my kids are to him. which was totally untrue, but my man's mother took the word of this kid and now wont talk to me and my kids. The kid finally told the truth saying he lied in attempts to get my man to move out and move back in with his parents but damage is done my mother inlaw still wont talk to me. This child has even told his dad how he hates him and does not want him in his life anymore and then turns around and asks for treats from my man. My man will call his son and its hit or miss whether he wants to talk to his dad or not. This child has caused so much damage I could go on and on. My man has to go to court next week as now his ex is trying to get visits stopped but wants double the money what to hell is wrong with people.:O :-O :shocked

HELP 's picture


NancyP's picture

Hey, you are not a horrible person. It takes a lot of woman to take on a daughter that is not yours. Trust me, her and her dad are not having all sorts of fun. His sort of fun is being with you and his daughter but perhaps he is having torn feelings. You know, a lot of times guys don't want kids, and suddenly "bang" they end up having a child with someone that they really weren't sure of. So they go on with life, thinking that they should have wanted this kid. And here you are... right? Now think how he may feel, he has this kid with a woman that he can't be bothered with. He is tied to her for some time and we all know that its not 18 years. He probably imagines what a wonderful life you both would have if she wasn't around and that probably makes him feel GUILTY. And.. guilt is a strong emotion. So what to do with the brat (and he knows it, but can't verbalize it) that is a big thing to do.

Can you not make a big deal when she arrives? Can you maybe just say "hi, good to see you" and go about your day? Would that help you adjust to her not feeling like a princess? And.. think of what she may be feeling. She may know that you are indifferent to her but she knows that her dad she can manipulate. That her dad will never get rid of her. Trump her card. You are the grown up and you have many more tricks up your sleeve.

Maybe "you do that at your house but I am not doing it here", or "your mom may make a big deal about that in her house, but its not that big of a deal here". You have the right to do what you need to do in "your" house to survive.

In closing, I am sorry about your sons condition and sometimes takes everything out of us to be civil. Focus on your baby.

My mantra: These *^*(^ kids are not going to be here forever. Decicde if you want to be with DH and if your relationship is worth it. That is what life is about. Will he be there when everyone else is gone?

Take care... I hope I helped a little. I am certainly not an expect just a BM, SM and a hell of a hot momma for my new husband.

SexiToni's picture

I like the advise the you gave and am using the advise myself. I do not hate my step daughter i just do not understand why i have these feelings sometimes that I should not be having. I love my SD and want her to know that I would do anything for her but I also hate repeating myself daily and being taken for granted.
To who much is given, much is required.
~Sexi Toni~

Smac's picture

NancyP, you put a good prespective on this. We do have a lot more tricks up our sleeves as adults! I also liked your comments about our husbands being in a rough spot and probably full of guilt. My husband got married because my SD's mom got pregnant. They should have never got married!

You rock, thanks for the insight!

texaswitchkid's picture

First , No you are not alone. I some times just want to quit.. I have been married to my husband for a little over a year we are expecting our second child together first biological together. we have kept all of this away from the step monster {11yr old girl} who lives across the us because of my health and dr. orders to keep stress away, we finally told her the other evening over the phone and as she seemed fine to us we started getting "hate mail" from the ex saying how we have ruined the kids life for even thinking about having another baby and that we should have told her before we told the kid so she could console her in her time of need, what in the world, my husband isnt dying we are having a baby isnt that suppose to be exciting?. We cannot live our own life because we have got to read an instruction manual that the mother and kid wrote for us on what the kid and ex wife allow for us to do in our life together, everytime we even discuss a visit from her we argue and i start getting stressed and depressed even months before the scheduled visit. she has a huge problem with lying and manipulation , she makes up all kinds of things about me and tells my husband how bad i am when all that i have ever done is roll out the red carpet to her and feed her with a silver spoon thought I HATE HER for everything she has put us thru I feel like i have to do this otherwise it is worse. he doesnt do anything about it because she somehow has learned to turn on the tears and act like shes 5 years old, our 6 yr old little boy acts more mature than this kid. she is mean to him hitting him in the face , my sister personally watched it happen without the kid knowing she saw , and then as soon as my son reacts and hits back she runs out of the room crying saying she did nothing and he is trying to look at her privates and hitting her,what the hell kind of kid does these things, my little boy won't even tell us the story but takes the punishment instead and feels terrible about his sweet self. It is so out of control I feel like running but my husband is so awesome and so good to me and my family except when she comes and we have to fight for the family life we typically have in our home, we dont fight .. have normal routines we do everyday , when she comes any rules that we have ar gone , example, we dont eat in our living room or eat on our furniture, she comes no rules we have all the time exist , my husband even admits he can't sets any rules or get on to her because then she wont want to come... HEEEELLLLP! I am going crazy as i have always been such a cheerful person i feel so down in the dumps.she is a nightmare and i dont know how much longer i can do this.

Jessica's picture


Wow, I definitley know what your going through! I have a 9 year old step-daughter (i'm not married to her father, THANK GOD) but I guess you could say she is my step daughter, anyway, we have a 1 yr old little boy together, and his family is always saying that I don't give her enough attention. She causes so many problems it's sickening. She lies about anything and everything and she is sneaky and never listens. In front of her father, she acts like she is this perfect little angel and my boyfriend can't see why I can't stand her!!UGH! It's so annoying. Anyway, I hope your doing good and your little man is getting better!

myboysmama's picture

I'm not alone!!!

I also have a stepdaughter (she'll be 9 this october, but you'd never know it). I've been in her life before she was two. Her parents were never married and were split up before I entered the scene.

As a toddler, she was an angel. Super cute, super smart, polite, and understandably needy; however, nearly 7 years later, she is still just as needy but no longer ANY of the other things! I'm not sure what's worse- her bad attitude (that her father lets her get away with) or the fact that she can't do ANYTHING by herself! This girl just learned to tie her shoes, and who forced her? ME, the evil stepmother, because I refused to tie the shoes of someone who almost has the same shoe size as I have! She was probably around 6 when my husband stopped helping her wipe after using the toilet (I had to convince him it was no longer appropriate). My husband and I also have two sons together, ages 3 and 9 months. My 3 year old can do more by himself than she can! The girl can't even put in a movie by herself, and she still runs to get her daddy when the movie stops because she "doesn't know what buttons to push"! Come on!!!

I realize that her mother is mostly to blame for all this, not the little girl herself. As she gets older though, and gains a bit of a brain, there's no excuse for "not knowing" how to do basic things. Her mother still washes her hair for her, but she does it by herself at our house; her mother must still clean up everything after her, because when she's at our house, she has to be reminded 3 or 4 times to put her trash in the garbage, put plates in the sink, etc. I mean, my 3 year old gets this concept and does it 80% of the time w/o being asked. Speaking of table manners, she chews with her mouth wide open and sounds like a cow!

The newest thing she's doing is talking like a 2 year old to be cute with her daddy. I could understand using this tone when she wants something (still would be annoying, though!) but just in normal conversation, she raises her pitch to sound "cute." I think she must be afraid to grow up, and wants to be little like her brothers. Understandable, but it all makes me want to bang my head against the wall!

I've tried to talk to my husband about this, to be honest with him about my feelings, but he can't understand why anyone wouldn't adore her as he does and think she's perfect. I thought it would all get better after we had kids; I thought that maybe I wasn't close to her because I didn't have kids of my own. It's only gotten WORSE! Especially when my husband lets her get away with things that he puts my 3 year old in time out for. He's much harder on the boys, "because they're boys" than his little girl. Part of me wonders if we had a little girl if then I'd understand.

Anyway, I also have a stepmother, so I'm sure that fact makes this situation more complicated. My dad would always force the "mother/daughter" relationship on us, especially after I moved in with them (my mom had some health issues and decided my dad could care better for me and my siblings while she recovered). To this day, my stepmother calls herself my mother..all her friends think she's my real mother. This would all be fine with me if I felt that way, but I don't! I've only ever seen her as my dad's wife, and there's nothing wrong with that. I have my mom; whom I am comfortable going to for anything, as you should in a real mother/daughter relationship. To my stepdaughter, I am her dad's wife. I would never claim to be her mother, especially if she didn't feel that way.

It's always tense when she comes for her weekly visit. It's gotten to the point where I don't really talk to her unless I have to, or unless she talks to me. Incredibly immature, I know, but I'm so frustrated/disgusted/annoyed that it's better to not say anything unless you have something nice to say. I hope that when she gets older, we'll have more common interests and find something to connect with together. There's a chance that I'll never like her, though; and I hope my husband won't leave me because of that.

Thanks for's so nice to be able to vent to people who understand!

annoyedstepmom's picture

This is MY EXACT sentiments!
I just had a baby with DH as well. She's the baby of his kids from 2 ex-wives. now, she don't get the attention she had before. She makes it VERY clear. Went as a 'hooker' on Halloween, and decided to get pissed at her BF for 'checking' up on her. She has called her BF names and decided that it's ok to YELL at him. If that was something I did to my father, he'd have SLAPPED me so hard, i'd fly across the room!
No...princesses don't get to choose either! The king and queen decides their fate! If I didn't love my DH, i would have slapped SD so hard long time ago for all the crap she's put me through while trying to recover from the worst pregnancy, and c-section. She couldn't leave me in peace!
Arghh...I HATE HER! It feels nice to be able to say it with people who understandS!

Senderella97's picture

You ruin your own marriage by your messed up immature attitude in how to deal with children...not one adult is the same and neither are kids..don't expect a child to change because you can't and if you say you could r did change to having a better attitude you would not be complaining

guessimscrewed's picture

God, I cant beleive I found this site. What a relief to know I am not alone! Here I felt so awful and guilty for being an "evil" stepmother. I keep it to myself majority of the time, save for when I have a willing, non-judgemental ear to bend. My mother is good at listening to me, but she sees it first hand, as she lives with us. Just recently got married to the man of my dreams, he has a daughter who is 10. She is making my life a living hell. Granted we only have her every other weekend and once a week, but I dread her coming over. I have two children myself, a girl and a boy, my girl is 6 and my son is almost 2. I am at my wits end already. She is mean disrepectful towards me and to my daughter. I have told my husband numerous times and he doesnt get it. He gives into her every single time. it makes me sick! I just want to scream! I am expecting a baby as well. Its very obvious that his daughter is threatened by me and my daughter by the way she treats us. I am at the point where I do not want her around. She lacks respect for me, my mother and my relationship with her father. She is living with her mother who is living with her boyfriend. My husband doesnt discipline her enough and he always ends up giving in to whatever she wants, cause she wont stop whining till he does. I cringe when I hear her voice coming into my home. It is my home, he moved in with me. I hate to say it like that, but its true. I just want her to be nice to me and my daughter and have respect towards me as she does to her own mother. I do not let my daughter call the shots or give attitude towards my husband, if she does, she gets in big trouble. Myself and my mother have everything we possibly can to make her feel comfortable and be a apart of the family, we even went as far as making sure she had equal amount of presents as my daughter this christmas, she threw a holy fit when they came downstairs and saw the stockings filled, however my daughter got a different color item, (they were the same items, just different colors) she tried to take my daughters off her stocking, I said NO, thats not yours, she threw it on the floor and stomped upstairs crying, on Christmas morning! WTF are you kidding me!! He went up to get her and brought her downstairs and let her open the biggest present she had, so it was like he was rewarding her for acting like a brat! I was furious. I love my husband more than life itself, but im so scared we arent going to work because I cannot tolerate his daughter. I could go on and on, but I dont have the time. There are many things shes done and said. She mentioned she wanted to live with us, there is no way I could do this if she continues like she has been. Im terrified! My almost 2 year old son acts more mature than her. Oh, and when shes around, I can forget getting close to my man, sitting by him, or even holding his hand, shes glued to him, draped all over him I cant get in edgewise. I feel like picking her up and throwing her out the house and locking the door at times. How satisfying would that feel????!!

Linz's picture

I am so glad I am not the only one who feels this way! My fiancee has a 3 (almost 4) year old and she acts this same way. Although she has some tricks of the trade like when she goes No. 2 on my floor or bed when I yell at her for doing something she knows she shouldn't be doing. She is potty trained but it seems like she won't go to the bathroom unless her dad is there with her. She whines and cries about EVERYTHING. Whether its having to wash her hands or having to get her own toys out of the cabinet. (She practically refuses to do anything by herself.) Oh and thats just the little things, she also tells her mom that I hit her. For one, I don't hit kids, two, I would never hit a kid that wasn't mine! I can't stand her and as bad as it is, there are many many many times I wish he didn't have a daughter or that her mom would move away with her new beau and take her along. I know its awful, but how are you supposed to feel when you have a 3 year old that is Satan reborn? She has a lot of shananigans that she pulls and sadly they all work on Daddy, but not on me. I am just glad I found a place where people will understand me! I was beginning to think I was the only person on earth that felt this way. I feel like a bad person but can't help it. I think what adds to it is that I am 10 years younger than my fiancee and I have never had children before, and never wanted any of my own...So its a little tough to handle my Stepsatan.

lightbearer0's picture

Yep that is how i feel with my fiance's stepson. I have tried to be positive and be compassionate and I have grown to the point where i cant stand him being here because of his behaviour, and he cant do anything without mommy.... my fiance and I argue about him and I tell her the truth, I dont hate the kid I just cant stand the way he acts! And I got a bad feeling there is a lot more to it.

Gina Santini's picture

This is my life, the ex wife is a piece of work as well. This woman has screwed my steps daughters up beyond repair. I can barely stand to be around them. It doesn't get any easier when they get older. My oldest is now 20 and as whiny as ever. It never ends, never and it will never end. I feel lost and at the end of my rope.

VicLee's picture

I wholeheartedly agree, it never ends. Mine finally got better for awhile when in college, away from tiny town, away from my toxic inlaws' influence, but the reprieve didn't last. Growing up, there were lies about me and my own kids, crap done to our daughter, thinking they could run me and my kids off by trying to ruin me and my kids socially in such a small town. When we are young, we are naive and think our love and kindness will change people. Rarely if ever have I seen that come true, unfortunately. I wouldn't consider my years in this a waste, but it could have been better, but dads have to be honest, not in denial. Step moms can't move those mountains alone.

EndofmyRope826's picture

Finally a place that understands!! I have a 3.5 yr old step monster that I cannot stand. I actually cringe when he comes over and I feel so bad for feeling like that towards a child. I have a 10yr old from a previous relationship and my husband and I are pregnant with our first child together. The SS has a little bit of development delays but he is way too overcoddled by his dad. We have him 85% of the time because the BioMom is a party animal and can't be bothered. He gets to do whatever he wants at her house, eat in front of the tv, there's no discipline or rules whatsoever, he even gets to sleep in her bed. When he comes to our house, he has melt downs constantly because we have rules. Whenever I tell him to do anything, he throws himself on the floor and cries or completely ignores me. Dad is mostly good about making him listen to me but sometimes he says I yell at him because i hate him and because he's not mine. My 10 yr old is not perfect but he is respectful and over all a well mannered caring child. I see the 3 yr old be a real jerk to him and then my son gets yelled at for being in the same room or not ignoring him. I have seen the step monster walk up to my son and just hit him in the face with a toy and when my son yells out, my husband will say well you shouldn't be on the couch antagonizing him. The step monster will turn on cartoons and then walk away, then my son will come into the room and change the channel since no one is watching it and then the step monster cries. Here comes his dad to the rescue, yelling at my son for purposely changing the channel to make the younger one cry. I cannot take it anymore!! We fight all the time over the kids when step monster is over. On days that we dont have step monster, we all get along great and even my son and my husband are lovable and do father/son stuff. I've been around step monster since he was a year old so he should be more than used to me by now. My son has to eat everything on his plate at the dinner table. Step monster gets to leave half his food because he's only 3 or he's full but then my husband will give him cake or cookies. If he's so full, how does he have room for that? I'm sick of hearing "he doesn't know better" - how else is he gonna learn if we don't start correcting him now? I'm worried about how things are going to end for us if changes don't start happening. I just don't know what to do. If I say anything about stepson its "because I hate him", if i say anything about my son its "because he's my golden child". I find myself just feeling depressed when step monster comes over and hiding in my bedroom or avoiding the family altogether. It's very sad Sad

EndofmyRope826's picture

I feel the same way. My stepson is way too overcoddled and babied and it turn it makes him act like he's 1 not 4. He has to always be up his dad's butt and throws a temper tantrum whenever you say anything to him. If we take the kids to a park and then leave, he throws a fit. We have to yell at him constantly at dinner to stop playing and eat his food. My husband says well he was a good eater when he was in the highchair, lets put him back in that. I say how about we teach him to be a good eater in a regular chair then catering to him? We have a baby on the way and i know there will be fights because the stepson will want all of dad's attention like he's used to.

Ruth's picture

Hi, I feel the same way about my partners 9 year old daughter ...who is going on 19! I met him 18 months after they split, she resents me! We live in Spain she in London with her mother...who is quite an aggressive person. She comes to stay for 6 weeks during the holidays and its a nightmare....I feel like my relationship goes on hold....she is really naughty, rude, and ungrateful! She has scratched our neighbours car so we have to pay 225euros for that....
I feel shaky when she is here and take anxiety pills. I can't even get to talk to my partner....he doesn't really want to hear it!!
He thinks he has the perfect daughter....and if I say anything then I am having a go.....I feel so helpless...just counting the days down.....she even gets in our bed after we have gone to sleep....which is our private space.....
She has even hit 2 kids since being here this time....
She also acts like a baby sometimes...and constantly whines, I want I want. I know she has been stealing from shops...little things but I am not saying anything.....
I can only see her getting worse as she gets older....
Any advice welcome...

mommylove's picture

I hope Ruth is not your real name. If it is, then I would suggest you change your login name and remove that signature from your post. This is a public site, and just like you found it, others can find you, and EASILY if they use your name. If that doesn't matter to you then okay, but I just felt compelled to tell you this just in case you didn't know.

nursienurse's picture

I could have cried when I saw this, I really can not stand my 5 y/o SD. You know the big girl in willie wonka? That is her, she wants it all, now and more! And daddy just keeps shoveling food down her mouth and pretending nothing is wrong. No manners, sneaky, defiant, jumps on the furniture, gets mad if you tell her no, just found out she lies to her mom about all the mean things I supposedly do - why am I surprised? She lies about a lot of things. I have an adult son who does not live with us and a 1 y/o who does. We have her every other weekend and every wed. Last night was the final straw, I told daddy I was not going to be the only one trying to parent her. Him and the ex talk a good game and act like they are parenting her but... her teacher has raised concerns, neighbours have raised concerns, my friends with kids won't come around if she is there. I was strict with my first son so obviously there is a difference in parenting styles but.. he says she's just a kid but I think a 5y/o should be able to dress herself, brush her own teeth, at least try to wipe her own bottom. Also I'm being mean when I tell her she is too big for her infant brothers toys-she is obese per the doctors words not just mine. But if I suggest that maybe she doesn't need yet another snack or meal or meal and a snack, then I'm the wicked stepmother! All of my complaints are readily agreed to then just as readily ignored. How am I supposed to raise the baby when his older sister has no rules, limits, or structure? So frustrated and kinda ashamed for not liking her. God knows I have tried.

michelleaero's picture

My life too! My boyfriend and I were friends and living together for a year, then we became an "official" couple a year ago. So, we have lived together and been together for over 2 years now. He has a 5 1/2 year old daughter who is fine, but his 8 year old son is a BRAT!!! He is so jealous and insecure about everyone and everything. He whines and cries and pushes me and my boyfriend apart when we hug (even if it's just to say good bye) he will NOT give us any alone time at all, we have to "hide" in the bathroom with the door locked to get any privacy, and the kid stands outside the bathroom door the entire time we are trying to talk. He has started pooping his pants and just sitting in his pants. We have the kids 2 days a week and every other weekend. We have tried to talk to their mother and she just shrugs her shoulders and thinks its "normal". She has had one boyfriend after another in and out of her life and my boyfriend has only been with me. They have been divorced for 4 years, so it's not like they all of a sudden split up and I am the "enemy". The boy has destroyed some of my personal items and after my boyfriend talks to him, he apologizes, but he just does it again. The kid glares at me AND his sister if their dad pays any attention to either of us. One day the daughter was ill, so he was holding her and the 8 year old kept yelling for his dad, when he answered, the boy said "I need a hug too". I think this is very immature for an 8 year old boy to act like this. I was divorced from my kid's father when my son was 2 and my daughter was a newborn, they didn't act jealous, insecure and immature when I had a boyfriend. What is wrong with this kid? What should I do??? Oh yeah, we have already tried the "daddy and son" alone time and he is still a BRAT!

fionnuala's picture

Wow. After reading all of this I feel a lot better about my two step-daughters -- and my husband. I think he is a great parent - and really, really understanding of my plight. He definitely sets boundaries and does not put up with any bad behavior. He also consults me about most everything, and makes sure that his X doesn't interfere in our lives more than absolutely necessary. I'm really grateful for that, because it sounds like an enormous part of the trouble so may of you are having is in being aligned with your spouse and agreeing on discipline and what sort of behavior is and isn't acceptable.

I mean, its hard enough to fight the influence of the X as a unit-- because even if she isn't a complete psycho, she still spends a lot of time with the kids and influences their behavior and their personality in ways you probably don't like. But if you have to do it alone without any real support-well -- what can I say -- I got divorced because I wanted a full partner in my life (not just someone I had to fight with all the time), so I think it's not worth being a new relationship that is complicated by stepchildren if I didn't have at least that.

I find it really hard -- much harder than I imagined -- to contend with the influence of their mother, whose parenting style neither my husband or I really agree with. She's not as bad as what some of you describe, but she is certainly not the example I would want for my own children. I see the kids emulating her selfishness and attitude that everything should be handed to them or rearranged for them right this second because they want it without even the smallest concern for how that impacts anyone else, and I am sickened. Her mother can't do anything for herself and always needs someone to do it for her (my husband, or her boyfriend or father) and the kids have no independence. The mom is super clingy to the kids and needs to talk to them several times a day, and the kids return that clingyness. She takes them to far to expensive stores (after all, we are paying her bills, right?) and the girls now turn their noses up at clothes that aren't name brand. She lets them watch TV and movies that are far too sexual in nature for a 9 and 6 year old, and we have to contend with the precocious behavior. I try to keep a good attitude, but more and more I see the mother's influence in the older daughter - and it just makes me so sad. I wonder if I am having any real impact at all, or if she will grow up just like her mom and be the sort of person I don't like to be around. Being a stepmother is terrible this way, because you have so little control over children you love and care for. My husband, as wonderful as he is, I don't think really understands what this is like. I told him recently that I think being a stepparent (if the other parent is in the picture) is like being the alternate or benchwarmer on the baseball team. You have to practice with the team, do all the hard work, and give it your best 110% all the time-- but come game time you are constantly sit on the sidelines watching everbody else play. No one recognizes your efforts, and you never have much of a chance to contribute, and even if you do its only for brief periods when the main players are in a bind.

I was reading this thread because I was sitting at home depressed about the fact that I came to the realization this weekend that I really am beginning to dislike my older stepdaughter. She's 9 - and I have known her since she was 6. She's not the monster that some of the posts I read have described. In general she is actually a pretty good kid and we have a really decent if not excellent relationship. But not only is her personality beginning to show many traits of her mother that I really dislike, she also has a toned down version of some of the behaviors so many of you mention.

The one that really jumped out at me is this need to follow my husband around and hang all over him, and in particular clinging to him when she observes us being affectionate-- even going to the point of physically inserting herself between us when I give him a hug or a kiss. She will do this and say in a baby talk voice "my daddy" and look at me and push me away. At first I kind of laughed this off, but one day it really started to bug me and I actually got mad. I was kind of floored by the way she was suddenly competing with me for his affection, when I have never denied her access to her dad, alone time with him, or (I think) made her feel like it was a her or me situation. At the time I was a bit fed up with the kids and sort of needed some grown-up moral support. He came over and put his arm around me, and within 5 seconds his daughter was up from across the room and all over him. I just got up and kind of stomped off and my husband was like " what are you jealous?" He thought she was just being a kid --and although she is very clingy and will even cling to me sometimes, I just found this downright weird because it just kept happening over and over.

I was also struck by this whole acting like a baby thing that so many of you describe because that's something she has always done as well. She is constantly pretending not to be able to do things she is clearly capable of doing on her own, and/or crying to get attention. Apparently she would cry until she made herself vomit all the time as an infant and toddler - so this is obviously a behavior she mastered as a baby for getting attention. Thank God she doesn't do that anymore - but at 9 - she still says she needs help washing her own hair and washing up in the shower (now that she is developing breasts I told my husband its time to stop helping her -- she needs to learn to manage her own hygiene), she doesn't seem to know how to properly brush her teeth, she makes all sorts of messes and has to be threatened to clean them up, and when she does she does a terrible job. She literally just wants help doing absolutely everything, and no amount of positive reinforcement or praise for independent and responsible behavior seems to change that. The other night she went to a slumber party, then called my husband hysterical at midnight to come and get her (an hours drive round trip) because she couldn't sleep -- but as she told me later-- it was because she missed her mommy. Nevermind that she could have called her mother on her cell phone and talked to her if she missed her, or that she fell asleep instantly in the car on the way home, and didn't seem to miss her much after that. Of course this was the only real night off we had had in weeks - and she pretty much ruined it - so I was kind of ticked off at these charades which seem to be increasing in frequency instead of lessening as she gets older.

I guess after reading so many similar stories I feel like the reality of it is that these kids -- and mine included- desperately want attention. Acting like a baby, and pretending she can't do things (or really never even trying to learn) because she prefers to have adults catering to her needs all the time is just a way of getting that attention and making her feel more secure. And now she appears to be jealous of my relationship with my husband - which is exasperating.

It just made me really sad. My husband disciplines her for many of these things (for example there was another sleepover incident and now there will be no more sleep overs for a long time), and this keeps the behavior from getting out of control, and I don't think she really disrespects me, but I just found myself feeling so completely disappointed in who she is becoming.

I really want to like her - you know? I think I have a lot of character traits that I can offer, and a wealth of education and experience that her mom doesn't -- and I'm not trying to replace mom -- just be a good influence. But its just so hard to give so much of yourself to a kid who isn't yours when day after day you watch them begin to grow into a person you don't like, and I begin to wonder if she is going to grow out of this, or if she really is just going to be a needy, selfish, child who lacks empathy for others forever. Of course when I say it like that it sounds ridiculous -- lots of kids are needy and selfish and grow up to be fine adults. But I don't know -- there is something about her that makes me think this is who she is, and who she wants to be, rather than a childish phase. She bosses her peers around and always tries to be the center of attention. Every time her little sister wants to do something she doesn't it is a battle and we have to intervene. I have never once seen her sacrifice something she wanted for anyone else, or even go out of her way to do something nice if she didn't think she would be rewarded for it. When everything is going her way, she can be an absolute delight -- but the instant its not (and more and more as she gets older she doesn't get her way) she becomes a whiny brat and has to be punished .

Anyway - I guess I just wanted to commiserate. Perhaps biological children are equally disappointing sometimes, but at least then you know you have the power to completely control their environment and try and shape who they are. When the kids aren't yours, some days it just seems like an impossible task.

Amadeus38's picture made some excellent points. I really do belive that we will always love our own blood much deeper than children brought from the outside into our lives. Knowing that, I've always metted out discipline/rewards equally among my own sons and my step-kids. But I agree that many times, a child makes a conscious choice to be who they are. at the age of 7-12 that is very realistic. My stepdaughter knows when she's lying and manipulating. she wants her world to go her way, and to her, if that means lying, stretching stories, etc, she'll do that. I no longer listen to her because everything has become a game.
She came back from her dad's once and said "My dad said that you guys should move to his town, because that's the only way he can see us more",and if you don't move, it's not his fault if he can't come get us." So, mom called dad and gave him an earful. Dad never said that, or anything close to it. Needless to say, the manipulation is getting thick at our house. When step-son manages to put mom in tears with his temper, he'll stand there smiling when she breaks down. Yes, they made a choice. I now make a choice to avoid them. I don't need to be their victim next.

AshleyG's picture

I have a 5 year old SD I cant stand her most of the time...she is a only child and complete brat I go out a lot when she comes over. I cant stand being around here when she is awake .... it's putting stress on me that is not good. I even asked my husband for a divorce today ......I was so pist off at her that I just want out sometimes.... check out my blog..

Amadeus38's picture

Glad this site is here. I couldn't relate more, and by the looks of it, a lot of us share the same issues.
I often feel guilty about basically avoiding my own step children (boy and girl, aged 10 and 11)
especially when I dote on my own biological sons who are the same age. But it's not without reason.
I broke up with my wife before we were married, because her children were out of control. They had learned exactly how to manipulate her, and did it well. They were disrupting my time with my own sons, and
our visits, before marriage, as a combined family were sad; each of us staying by the side of our own children and avoiding the other parent/children, under the same roof! I opted to give it an honest effort, as I did love their mother. Now two years have passed. The step kids are slightly less than out of control now, but Í avoid them still. The daughter continually lies to us, manipulates her mom. The son has a wicked temper and displays it. They go to their dad's when he decides to come and get them, which is not too often. This causes alot of their issues I am sure. But our house is like a war zone when they decide to punish us for their emotions. My own sons don't like staying over too often now because of this.
I resent them terribly, and I guess my wife accepts that fact, and knows that I will never be close with them. She even resents them now, as she sees that a wedge is being driven. It's not brady Bunch at all.
I wish I could open my heart to them, but in feeling that I can have very little influence in their lives, I have opted to stay on the sideline.

JustBlank's picture

How strange it is we all have to come here to feel apart of our own relationship. My SD is 2 and excuses are made for her no matter what she does, even if nothing is said about it. I found the love of my life and his baggage is like having a terrorist around. I sometimes wish she d vanish and never be seen again so we could live. She s not cute, Im so fed up with her that when people say that I really could look at them and say,"really, are you crazy or just a liar". Its a hard, horrible feeling in life. Ive came to the conclusion that we ll never be happy as long as they re around at all. So we leave...or they leave! That's as simple as it can get. So, how do we make them leave?

cindy0613's picture

It's nice to know I'm not alone in the whole hateful stepchild world. My husband has 4 teenage boys and I have one and the blending process is sucking pretty bad right now. We've been married for a year and a half and I can't stand it when his kids are at our house. He gets them every other week and all they do is break stuff, take stuff that isn't theirs, make messes that they don't clean up, and fight. The youngest 2 are 13yo twins and we recently had an issue where he didn't come home after school with the rest of they kids. Instead he went to his mom's house and said he was never going back to his dad's as long as my son and I were there. My husband work's on Saturdays and leaves me home with his kids which sucks because their rotten creatures who don't know the first thing about respect, always have alterior motives, and leave their dirt socks on the kitchen table. Their little pigs!

I love my husband, but he just seems to be blind on this. I confront him about it but he gets all indignant about it instead of listening and trying to make things better. What can I do????

Mgeorge2416's picture


sorry im new to the site.

I saw everyone else seems to be struggling with their step children too.

Mine is 5 and I’ve been in her life for 3 years. She’s kicked me, punched, spat in my face, thrown stuff ( a brick last week) at me, ripped my wallpaper, painted my brand new carpets ( was at the table before she had a tantrum) well I could go on all day.

Basically I have my own 5 year old boy and 7 year old boy even my 2 year old girl had never done any of this to me.


Anyway the dad has full custody of her and she sees her Mum every other weekend. He works nights so it’s ALL up to me!!!


Has anyone got any new ideas?? My life is miserable and it’s all her.

I have tried Scener bottles, time out, reward chard, taking away privileges ect.

I am at a loose end and no one seems to understand.

Thank you for reading ❤️

proud mom's picture

First Welcome you have found the right place
Second, Take it from a bioparent that has been there. Sit down and talk to your DH and tell him she needs to have some testing done. I have a BS6 and a SD6 exactly one month apart, My BS6 has what is called Global Developmental Delay (it is in a catagory with high functioning Autism) he is 6 but acts more like 4 or 5 but my SD 6 is fine with no problems at all. My son was diagnoised 3 years ago and it is a fight with the school system to get him the education he deserves. The longer he pretends there is no problem then the worse it will get. Belive me it can get really bad. The she is only 4 comment well he needs to get over that what is he going to do when she turns five or six or seven or even older still say it is ok because she is only --old the only person he is hurting by not doing anything is the child. Sorry if I seem rude but my BS6 dad was a well he is only --yr old or well he is my baby (Well wake up he can't stay a baby forever) now I get the well he has problems. Yeah he does but babying him is not going to help him overcome these issues it only will make them worse.

Sorry if I offended you in anyway but hope my story will help you.

Live for today,you may not have a tommorow

JustBlank's picture

Youre so correct about the "she's only four" comment. Before, I was told she s not even one, now its she s not even 3. :sick:

littlegrlzx4's picture

My husband has 2 daughters- 9 and 7. The 9yo I can deal with, no problem. I hate myself sometimes for wishing the 7yo would never come back. She lies, steals things, doesn't ever take responsibilty for anything, screechs for her cat that died 4 years ago and her mommy every time you correct her about a simple thing. She power struggles about EVERYTHING! She is negative and screams at my 4 & 5 yo all the time. Whenever she doesn't get what she wants she throws herself on the floor and sucks her thumb- and she's 7! I find myself mutttering under my breath all day long when she's around "SHUT UP S*****!"

We've had her in therapy, extra classes at school, had hearing tests, everything you can think of. There is nothing "wrong" with her. This is who she is unfortunately,(just like her BM, which doesn't make it any easier on me- as soon as we make progress on changing her behavior, she comes back from her mother's f-d up again)Her father doesn't know that I feel this way and he never could.

I know in a few years she'll choose to live at the home that she can manipulate more to get her way and that is NOT where I live. Until then, I just keep screaming in my head.

crazywith5's picture

I just found this site and I am so glad that I am not the only one who says terrible things about their step children. My husband has 4 girls 14,12,8,and 6, then we have our 2mo son. The 8 and 6 year old live with us and I am at my wits end with those two. The oldest is miss attitude and the youngest has been given everything she has ever asked for, never been made to do what she's told and lies and steals and is manipulative and tries to get all the other kids in trouble just for the fun of it. No kidding she bit her self till she bled to try to get the others in trouble. You can watch her do something then confront her about it and she will call you a liar and scream "I want My MOMMY" who has been in Prison most of her life. I think it all boils down to respect and responsibility, both for her self and for other people but I just don't know how to get past it. If anybody has any suggestions I'm all ears


Anonymous's picture

Dear mee too

I am in my first marraige. Will be married a year in November. My step-daughter in seven almost eight and acts like she is two. My husband has joint custody of her. She acts like she doesn't have to listen to me at all. When I tell her to do something she will ignore me and roll her eyes at me. I tell my husband but he doesn't do anything about it. We have had her and ourselves in counseling for 6 months now. It has helped in some areas. My husband always takes her side and that hurts a lot. She doesn't tell me she loves me that much any more. I have argued with my husband about her behavior and also how he doesn't correct it. I feel like my marriage will not last and it will be because of my step-daughter. I tend to resent her and hate her. I feel my life would be better if she did not exists.My husband treats her like a baby and still helps her put on her shoes and holds her in his lap in public. He also lets her interfere with adult business such as finances and we tend to argue about that. Does anyone have any suggestions for me? I can go on and on and write a book about this. Please help.

slinetley's picture

I'm in the same situation with the 11 year old that want to be the wife and you're right they always make excuses for the child and don't anything about it...the sad thing is that i have asked my husband to move out not sure where this gonna take me,but i've try everything under the sun...and nothing ever worked....i guess u do what right for you and your kids...for they suffer as just tried of crying.....and being sad all the time while she has the run of my new taking back.....whats mine...

louise's picture

I completely feel for you.. I have the same problem. She to is 11 years old and thinks she is his wife. The worse part is he treats us the same and it kills me. I have been dealing with this for several years hoping it would get better, but instead its getting worse. I have no problm with them spending time together but when she starts telling me what to do "not in front of her father of course" thats where it ends. Then i discipline her and she gives me dirty looks and walks away. I have told my husband and he says I need to discipline her more, but I feel he should do that and show her that he respects me enough to put her in her place. I keep telling him she is 11 years old not 20. I can only imagine what the next several years are gonna bring.

your not alone and it dosn&#039;t get better's picture

my step daughter lives with my husband and I she too is 11 (going on 20)its obvious that she cant stand me I catch her giving me dirty looks at times. When i tell her to do something she gives me attitudes(mind you I have helped my husb. raise her since she was 6 yrs old)She sometime stays a day or two at my mother in laws house and when we pick her up she gets mad and tells us how she hates being in our house. (but whar she really hates is me)i guess she feels she'd be happier with her dad if i were'nt in the picture. My husb is well aware of the situation and tells me not to stress it because we have other things to worry about (like our two daughters 3yr and 6mo) but this situation really bothers me because I'm really good to her i give her everything she needs; there is no reason for her to hate me. I also found out that she talks behind my back!!!! I dont know what to due in this situation im really tired and even thought about leaving my husband because of this.......

tetty's picture

OMG, this is exactly my life. I have SD/10yrs. She is also acting like his wife, and like telling me what to do and try to control my life. she even said that she doesn't want us to have another kids. She doesn't want us to say vows on our wedding, she doesn't want us to kiss on the wedding (even after the wedding), we're not allow not kiss at all. She doesn't want to talk about wedding or marriage after the wedding day,she doesn't want to call me step mom. She sleeps on our king bed while her father and I sleep on her single bed everytime she visit us on the weekend. What drive me crazy is her father listen to her and didn't try to talk to her or at least ignore her. He let her doing whatever she want. I know He feels guilty toward her because of the separation with BM. What I don't understand, why I have to put up with his guilt. So, He f#cked her mom 11 yrs ago, get her prego, didn't work out (and not because of me). I came to the picture 6 years after they separate. So, what the f#ck did I do in the past to deserve this?
Don't tell me to talk to DH. He wouldn't listen to me. He acted like he listen and promise to clear thing up, but NEVER DID.. Like he got amnesia everytime. I am going insane everyday. Please somebody help me!!!

morgue2003's picture

i know how you feel i have a 9 year old step daughter that treats me like s*** and i have tried everything under the sun to try to get through to her and i feel hopeless.

desperateinalabama's picture

You are not alone. Me and my DH had a huge fight one time over the issue about letting the Skids and the BM dictate our marriage. One year for my birthday, my mom was going to keep my BioKids so we could be alone for the weekend. It was not our weekend to have the Skids so we made plans, just the two of us. On the day of my birthday, his wife decides she wants to volunteer to go out of town for her job to make extra money, so she drops them off at our house, ruins our plans. We argued so bad because he is always taking their side, even when they are wrong. He figured I wouldn't mind because they are his kids. That night he told me that I wanted him to choose me over his kids and that was never going to happen. He didn't seem to understand that was not the issue, the issue was I did not want to spend my birthday with his kids. So, I told him to have a nice weekend and left him there with his kids all weekend. I rented me a hotel room with a jacuzzi and celebrated by myself. His daughter would try to compete for his attention too. I would just ignore her and when she saw that I didn't care, it was no longer fun to her.

kamini's picture

Oh WOWEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! kudos to you my dear. I wish i had the nerve to do that everytime my SD12 screws up my weekend. Does this really work......ignoring her>???? I have a SD 12 and she decides when she is comign over so of course if she calls and says this weekend then this weekend it is..never mind my plans and my DH does not see anythign wrong with that. It;s like if he is the kid and the SD is the adult. SuckS!!!

PEACHES's picture


Helenee's picture

Hi there, I have adopted your philosophy with my SD age 11. The funny thing is it is really working, I have removed myself from all responsibility, and on her own she is starting to show her self up to her father, messy dresser, appalling bedroom thats not fit for a pig, whiney, manipulative. Because my 3 children have had discipline and guidelines through out their life they are tidy (ish) polite, well rounded children, and her behavior is so apparent now that I dont nag him about her! Its really interesting how, when you dont tell a man how to behave they figure it out on their own. He is starting to yell at her now, and generally make her life not so pleasant, and it does make me smile (terrible eh!)

fedup5's picture

I wish that I could feel free. I have known my fiance for eight years. Long story short...I moved to another state and moved a couple of years ago. We got back together and got engaged a few months ago. Ever since we got back together his daughter has been up his ass( am I allowed to say that?)I get that it has been him and her for five years now due to her being taken from her mother by the state,(another story)but there has never been any structure set for her. She is rude to me, lies to me, gives me dirty looks and tried to dictate what "her daddy" does. She is eight and thinks she knows it all. I have two boys of my own, two and three, it is funny how at times, they act like they get it better than she does. Like I said she is eight, but in all actuality she acts like she is five. If something is said to her or if she is reprimanded(doesn't happen often enough)she really does not get it. She will constantly interupt her dad and I if we are talking, hugging, kissing or whatever....and he lets her. I will say something and he just looks at me and says I don't care I am talking to you right now and I am not going to say anything to her. But mind you he will stop talking to me and acknoledge her at once, so you can see how important our conversation is. I watch her everyday and have her all week long on school vaca's. She plays this princess act and it really angers me to the point of me not wanting to be around her. I try to be as nice as I can, but I am done going out of my way for her. All her toys she got for christmas are broken because she does not know how to take care of anything. A brand new WHITE coat that my aunt got her is now black with juice stains and stickers on it. Her dad just has the oh well attitude and says she is eight. Yes, but when I was eight, I was not like this and i was raised with one parent. I had manors and knew as much as I was suppose to what was not the right things to do. He thinks I am jelious of her...I just do not like her. Last night he let he sleep in OUR bed. I was and still am pretty angry about this. I got up and went out to the couch where I got no sleep at all. God I could go on and on, but will stop...for now.

sarahbernheart's picture

what happened when you got home?

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

eva's picture

sorry, that happened to you.i have 4 sd to of them are great,the other to are awful. The bad ones dont live with us (YET)the ages are 15,16,18,21.I also have many fights with my fiance about them.(the bad ones)I even said if the 15 one moves in ,im moving out.well, lets just say i didnt come home that night.From there on he decided i was making him choose.lets just say now i feel like its all about them and what they want who cares about good !luck cause this feeling sucks.

Lisajones's picture

ugh i feel you, my birthday is this weekend and guess who will be here Sad the monster. i am not happy about it either.

stepmom771's picture

Oh my God - sounds just like my life. The thing that hurts the worst is when your husband gets mad anytime you wanna say something, right? I have a 10 year old stap daughter and a 6 year old step son. I have 0 problems with the step son, its the 10 year old that is really really causing tons of problems. She thinks she runs the bloody house and pouts over everything and anything. He has joint custody of them, and every time I know they are coming I just get sick of the thought. Has anyone given you any advice, or has anything changed for you?


Hi!! I'm new to this blog thing, but I guess I'll give it a try, because I don't know who else to talk to and I feel like I'm going crazy. Me and my fiance have been togehter for 2 1/2 years. I have 3 children and he has 2. All 3 of mine live with us and only one of his. His 8 year old she devil has been living with us for 1 1/2 years now. My son has ADHD and he is the same age as her, only 4 days between them. We'll my kids, especially my son, hates her. She always messes with every body and when they do something back to her, she cries and runs to him and they get in trouble. Always excusing what she has done because he didn't see her do anything. Every since she has been here our relationships has gone down hill and she is the cause of it. I think the reason he is the way he is cause he feels guilty for not being there the first six years of her life. I've gotten to the point where I can not stand her. I don't like her at all. I wish she would go back with her mom and let us get back to our happy life that we had before her. She whines like a baby, lies, steals, and breaks my kids things and hides it because she;s jealous of the things they have. Today she lied and told her dad that she gave me some papers that her teacher sent home,and she didn't give me anything. Now he's accusing me of throwing them away because they where hers,so now once again we are arguing because of her. He knows I don't like her, I love him but I feel like it's only going to be worse as long as she's around and I don't think I could ever like her again. Should I just give up and let him and her move on with their life.

saltwater's picture

Should I just give up?

Hi: I have been married 5 years and we dated for about 1 year before we got married. Her sons were both hard to deal with during our pre-marriage years. I thought after they got to know me they would become closer and we would have a good blended family. I have good intentions and tried to get to know them over the 5 years. They never can around and only got worse.

Just don't think that the times will get better. Once you are married, everyone gets comfortable and they are not easy to adjust to.

Knowing now, I would not have gotten married if the kids do not get along before the marriage.

me124's picture

my story is identical to yours. I have no children of my own . My finace has a daughter same age. He has joint custody. I wont go into all the troubles but i will tell you how i cope. First this site is a great way to vent and get it out. I used "safe" friends to talk to and prayer to vent. Second, I make time for myself...alone away from everyone. THird when i feel like i want to kill someone, I make sure there is a safe place in the house to go to , to talk on phone or just be alone. Fourth, I do not affirm bad behavior...from my fiance or his daughter.Right away i tell them about problems...As i go i am always finding ways to cope...thanks me

Anne Summers's picture

Are you sure you don't get visitation with my SD(7)??? All but the cat and sucking her thumb it sounds like her. Biggrin She whines, she screams (at me, my son, her dad, whoever is in her line of fire), she lies, she takes things without permission, she hits people, she throws things, slams doors, has thrown herself on her bed, the floor, or whatever and proceeded to kick and scream. She basically acts like one of those bratty two year olds you see out in the store and thank God they are not yours. Biggrin Unfortunately a lot of people don't know she's not mine. It makes me want to wear a shirt that says, "I'm just the StepMom." Blum 3

Yep, there is nothing "wrong" with SD either. She's just a brat---sorry there's no little pill for that yet. Wink

SD has continually became worse since she is not spending as much time at our home. There for a while she was starting to really become a mature respectful little girl. Well, that all went to pot. Blum 3 With SD's attitude right now I'm sort of glad she only comes over EOW or so. I think everyone would pull their hair out if she came over more often and acted like she does now.

Hate to say it but SD acts the same as when I met her when she was 3 years old---next year she will be 8!

Amadeus38's picture


Amen. Feel comfort in the fact that you're not the only one who awaits the day when a stepchild bails out of the home and goes where its (yes its) behaviour is more acceptable. For morality's sake, I think it's ok to feel as you do. I am counting the years (years unfortunately) to the day my step-demons say bye to mom. (my wife)

Lisa Frances's picture

Hi Kitn, Welcome to this great site.

You are not alone. I am in a similar situation. BM and Hubby broke up 6 years ago when SD was only 2 so she doesn't ever remember being with both parents.

However, it has been a very hard road trying to get on with her (she is 8 years old) and like your SD, she is developmentally behind, I would say her emotional and mental age is about 5. This is due to her 'smothering' BM. Poor kid isn't allowed to think for herself so she is so dependant of BM and appears to not be able to think at all (LOL). The kid even slept in her mothers bed up until about 5 months ago! and now she has her own bed - in her mothers room! UGH........

She has been rude, told me that I should not marry her Dad, constantly talks about her mother this and her mother that...(who cares) and says to her Dad, "but you still love Mummy don't you". To which the reply is "No I don't".

I feel sorry for her and at the same time I don't like her much. SS (who is 11) is also developmentally challenged, but easier to get along with. Maybe girls will defend and protect bio Mum more than the boys. Even though BM is an idiot herself.

Good luck and keep me posted on how it is going. It is good to talk to other people who know what you are going through.

Smile Just keep smiling......................

Kitn76's picture

It's taken me awhile to get used to this site, and I've just seen the comments today. It makes me feel good that I'm not alone, and I feel sorry for the rest of you. This week is our "week on" with her, and I HATE IT!!!!!!! I've had a tension headache for 2 days now. Sad

doihaveto64's picture

First of all, hello . I too am new to this site and it is a godsend because I really don't have anyone to vent to. I totally understand how you feel. My stepdaughter is 14 but, you would swear that she was only 6 years old. This child has gone to school and told the authorities that I gave her marijuana to bring to school(absolutely not true and I cried in the bathroom of my job like a baby when I got the call) and that I forced her to diet (she is around 220 lbs and I suggested that she eat healthier). When her father is around it's all good, but when he leaves she grows horns. I have gotten to the point of totally ignoring this little girl and her snide comments. My husband and I have vowed to stay together no matter what. But, that's not to say that it's easy.

stacwal's picture

This is also my first time posting. I am glad I found this site because I am sure my friends are getting tired of hearing about this. My second husband and I have been married for 11 years. His 13 year old daughter moved in with us 1 1/2 years ago. Her mother was on drugs at the time. Since she has been there, she has been caught in numerous lies. She was upset with me one time and accused my 14 year old son of some terrible acts. She told her mom's mom. After a while she admitted that she lied and why she did it. That did not stop the grandmother from calling social services and the police. That is not a knock on the door you want at midnight. Anyway, lucky for us, she did tell them the truth and that she lied. After this, I do not allow her near my son for 1 second alone. I want her out of my house. My husband does not understand this. He feels that she made a mistake and we need to trust her. I will NEVER let her near my son. She also does not lift a finger around the house. Anytime I ask her to do something, she does a terrible job. If she puts up dishes, she puts them in the wrong place and I have to search for them. It is not worth it. She has also been caught cheating at school twice. Her mother is drug free and has been for a year. She has not paid us one dime of child support in the past year and 1/2. In fact, she continued to get child support from my husband for the 1st six months since it was through the courts. She cashed every check. We are now having financial problems and she is still not expected to pay us a dime. For so long, my husbands excuse was that she was out of our lives. If we demanded child support, she would see the child and he did not want that. Now, he is allowing her to see the daughter and still not help financially. Am I wrong for resenting the hell out of this situation? Any ideas?

frustratedmom's picture

I go through the same thing you are going through except I have 2 other Skids I gotta deal with. Tonight my boyfriends daughter said to her dad "all you ever do is agree with her" (me) and he backed me up but she's a freaking whiner to. I am not married to my boyfriend but his kids are here every wed. and every other weekend. When they are here visiting then, we have a total of 5 kids. I could care less if I were to ever see his kids again. I know that sounds bad but thats also how I feel. I swear if my boyfriend and I don't get married and move in different directions down the road I will make sure I find a man with NO KIDS!!! LOL! Good luck!

Kitn76's picture

"I could care less if I were to ever see his kids again. I know that sounds bad but thats also how I feel."

Doesn't sound bad to me, I feel the same way. If I never saw this little brat again, I could care less. Not to say that I wish harm to her, just if by some miracle, her mother got full custody and decided to move to Saskatchawan, I wouldn't care a bit.
This is our "week on" with her, and I'm already a whirlwind of b*tch. I hate it!!!!!

anon's picture

You sound just like me too. It is such a relief to know that I am not just a horrible person. But my question is, how to deal with it. I have tried and tried to like my step kids, and sometimes I do, but most of the time I don't. It is causing HUGE problems in my home and I can't stand it. I try to be nice, but it doesn't always work. Mostly I am silent, I can't think of anything to say to them, and my H always tells me I "glare" at SD. The kids don't really like me anymore. Basically H said that he doesn't think it is working out because there is no "family atmosphere." I don't know what to do. Things are pretty much great when they aren't around. How do you act around them?

Catch22's picture

And see what page he is on with his daughters behaviour. Surely if she is that bad, he too would be sick to death of it? I also don't get along with my SS because he is rude, blah, blah, blah..just not a nice boy to be around. So my Dh and I are just about to resume visitation and I have always made it clear to DH that as his child chooses to be hard to get along with I will not babysit him or be left alone with him, you have to work on visitation day? Take him with you or leave him with his mum, because I won't deal with him.

If you want to help your DH with his kid, thats great but why should you have to if no one will recognise the problems? I'm am certainly not saying not to help him with her or that I won't help in the care of my SS but the BIO parents have to see the childs problems and get the appropriate help for them. If it is just a disciplinary problem, as it is with my SS, then do it. You can't help or change the behaviour of the child alone.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

Kitn76's picture

He seems to be "blind to it"...of course, she never truly shows her hatefulness unless he's out of the room or his back is turned, and she decides to glare at me for whatever reason. I'm so far into not giving a crap about this kid, that I don't want to help her. As mean as that sounds, I just don't care anymore. That's right, why should I have to if no one will recognize the problems. I'm tired of everyone treating her like a little baby. Even my 5 year old is tired of her whining all the time. She CANNOT speak without that whiny undertone. She doesn't even know what freaking LETTER her first name starts with. All of this, and MUCH MUCH more drives me completely nuts. Her BIO mother is a lost cause. Cocaine, and whatever else she does....coupled with the fact that my SD is her "angel" <>, she gets coddled and babied, and AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know that the bio parents should deal with the behavior of a child but the 5yr old in my life only has one bio parent the other one is a drug abuser which is around briefly off and on with long periods in between. The biological mother is the problem this child acts out of confusion,anger and a dream world that her mother has done all the things we do we do nothing. She is a little worse she acts out with sex action which the dr. said was because of what shes been through not abuse. There is a 3yr old almost 4 that thinks that i am her mother and is a good child I do not allow her to see her mother because i do not want her confused like the other until I can explain it to her and she understands. I feel guilty because I told my husband no matter how much I love him he had to leave with the older one i would not do it my children were grown,so he is sending her to her grandmother far away I feel bad but it is his decision I told him I would still be with him just in separate homes but the baby would stay with me

Catch22's picture

Make it quite clear that you have rules and if DH chooses to leave her with you then she will follow your rules. Have punishments of your own that fit the crime. I'll give you a good example. My SS stares at me all the time, usually when I am eating with them at the dinner table and then when I meet his gaze he quickly turns away. As we are just about to resume visitation, these are one of the things that really peeved me and added to the uncomfortable feeling I got in my home when he was there.

I told DH that he would be asked nicely either 'what was wrong' or to 'stop staring' and if he did it again he could pick up his plate and be moved behind us to the kitchen bench where he could eat his dinner facing the wall but only 2 feet from us. My Dh thought that was harsh. I argued that it was very rude to stare at someone with no conversation involved and lets see how harsh SS thinks my punishment is when he is in a bar and stares at some bloke and he walks over and knocks all his teeth out!

Staring can be conceived as aggression and a councellor agreed with me that it is rude and inappropiate behaviour. My point is that sooner or later she will adjust to the fact that if she is staying with you there are rules to be followed. She will get no response to a question asked in a whiney manner but will get all the attention in the world for speaking normally. Kids need rules and boundries and if no one else is going to teach her some life skills then you might as well do it when you are the one left to deal with her. You never know it may be just what she needs. Good luck

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

sixxnguns's picture

But I get the "He's only 4 years old" excuse. It's VERY uncomfortable to try and eat and have someone of ANY age sit there and stare you down. And at every meal I say the same thing..."staring is bad manners" I've always taught my daughter it's rude to stare...I'm still in disbelief that neither of my SS parents have taught him any type of manners!!

And I agree kids need rules and boundries...actually kids WANT these things..they just don't admit it..I learned that from the Love and Logic course...

Cruella's picture

What is your problem? I wouldn't take that especially from a child. There was this little mexican guy staring me down in a restaurant one time and I stopped eating and said "WHAT????" LOL I scared this guy. He ran off like Speedy Gonzales. My friend that was eating with me absolutely died laughing. She said the Jersey girl in me came out big time. I HATE when people stare. Major pet peeve for me.

sixxnguns's picture

I guess I can't ask a 4 year old what his problem is...we're trying to break him of this habit...why don't parent's (and I'm includig my fiancee in this) teach their children manners anymore? He STILL stares at me..I think I'll bring it up at therapy next week for him...I'm glad I finally got a job so I don't have to sit at the dinner table every night and get the staredown

gertrude's picture

My Sd is 20. She has a new little one - 3 weeks old. I formerly called her the Belly, but that isn't so much the case anymore, but this staring thing. She does it to me all the time. At the dinner table I'll look up and there she is staring - but only when DH isn't noticing. If I am sitting across the room, she stares at me. Sometimes I catch her sometimes I don't . It makes me uncomfortable. Even when she is in a "nice" phase - she stares. My folks came to visit and my mother brought it up too - she stares (at me). This week, I've been feeling like a schmuck because she has been acting nice - except for the stares. I know my DH wouldn't believe me if I said it, but what a relief. I haven't experienced this before, and now I understand why I feel SO much better when she is not in the room! thank you!

Catch22's picture

Also has never heard that it's rude to stare!! I was mortified that he, at the age of 33 was not familiar with that as a sign of rudeness and/or aggression. Obviously his parents have never taught him this either..ohh makes me mad!!

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

ittakestwo's picture

I'm with you Catch! Too funny, we get so frustrated with our DH's and sometimes I guess they think WE are out of our minds! LMAO! I can't imagine how he never heard that!! *grin*

I stay on my kids about it too. My daughter is probably the worst, but she's young still. Not that I excuse it, she needs to learn!

It is what it is...

Anne 8102's picture

My husband hates this with a passion. So when someone is staring at him, he pretends like he's picking his nose. Then he looks at them, extends the nose-pick hand to shake hands with them, and says, "Hi! How are ya?!" Always gives us a good chuckle.

When someone stares at me, I stare them down while saying, "Can I help you?" Has the same effect as Cruella's approach. They get embarrasssed and look away.

With a kid, I handle it by pointing out that it's not polite to stare and let them know what could happen if they give the wrong kind of look to a not-very-nice person. I'm pretty big on manners. Catch has the right idea. In my home, if you can't use good table manners, you don't sit at my table.

~ Anne ~

"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)

Anonymous's picture

OK, I'm not a stepparent, but I need some help. My fiance' told me yesterday that she's not going to move in with me because no matter what my son does, it annoys her to no end. Good, bad, or otherwise. He doesn't have the problems that the others have talked about in the posts above, but he is a whiner. He was at his moms for the summer (she lives 4 states away) he was gone for 8 weeks, and when he came back, OMG. He's always had a tendancy to whine, but when he came back it was much worse. I don't put up with the whining, when he does it, he gets punished. It's just taking a while to correct the behavior. What can me and my finace' do. She feels like she comes second to my son and I think she is jealous of the attention that I give him, she feels like she should be the center of attention. She understands this is spoiled of her but does not know how to fix it. If anyone has any suggestions, please help. We love each other very much and she wants to be with me, but she doesn't understand why she feels the way she does. Like I said before, its not just the bad behavior that sets her off, it anything and everything. thanks for listening.

stamina's picture

I don't think that this is uncommon. And what causes it, who knows...could be many things. One thing that is for sure...moving in together probably won't make it better and might make this feeling that she has worse. Sorting this out before moving in together is key to the success of your relationship!

knymor's picture

As one who knows how your fiancé is feeling, this post really hit me. I am six years into a relationship with our ‘blended family.’ My husband and I have had many things to overcome. Between us, we have four children. I have two boys and he has a boy and a girl. While three of the kids (the boys) have accepted our blended family, we have yet to find any common ground with his daughter. She has never accepted me or my sons. She wishes only to be involved with my husband, which he finds unacceptable. So let me tell you, I can understand where your fiancé is coming from.

In the beginning, I waffled about the whole marriage thing because of my SD. The thought of walking around my own home on eggshells during every one of her visits drove me crazy. While my husband is a wonderful man and I loved having the three boys together, I couldn’t stand to have his daughter around because of the constant drama and turmoil that came with her. Your future with your fiancé lies in your ability to become a ‘unified force’ in dealing with the child. Jealousy is not the cause of her frustrations. Chances are … her frustrations are associated with differing parental styles and expectations. It took my husband and I several years to work through our differences on how to raise the kids. And while his daughter still refuses to accept the fact that we are together forever, my husband and I have a strong marriage and continue to work together on what is best for all four of the kids.

All I can offer is a simple phrase … “please don’t ever chalk it up to jealousy.” The one time my husband used that as an excuse for my disagreement with the way he disciplined his kids (or the lack there of), I almost walked right out of the door. It took many talks and lots of giving on both sides for us to find a common ground in our child rearing. I hope this helps some. Good luck.

thefunmommy's picture

You'll find a thread in the General Discussion section about how your fiance is feeling. And it will tell you she's right. If you want a marriage to last, the marriage must come first. Not to say you ignore your children, but if she has a problem with your son, you need to address it. She is not saying something just to be mean, she has a concern that is legitimate to her. That also means not letting your son come between you(physically), because that tells her she is less important and that's not how a marriage is supposed to work.

smartredcookie2006's picture

Man...I finally found a place where I can fit in. I am on my 3rd marriage and we were in bliss until this summer when his kid came to stay with us for the first prolonged visit since I moved in. I was out of work on maternity leave after having our son. Let me just tell you I wanted to go back to work after like the 3rd week. She is 10 and her mother's daughter...she caused all kinds of drama. My husband adopted her during his marriage to her mother and right after he adopted her, Mom proceeded to move out, file for child support and then come and go from the marriage every time she needed money or was sick of living with family until my husband was done and filed for divorce. He had divorced her once and took her back and re-married her. Let me say that I too, wish he would just have the adoption reversed and never look back. I will be in an early grave after dealing with the ex and her kid for the rest of my life! It has gotten to the point where my husband honestly feels that if the lil girl cant understand she cant come down here and act like that, she wont come visit anymore!! I know how you feel sister!!

Catch22's picture

Many women just can't handle a child from another woman, simple as that. It's not because she is bad person it's just different strokes for different folks I guess. I'm sorry to burst her baloon, but he is number one in some sense because he is a child and can't very well look after himself.

It really is a grey area and opinions vary greatly so best for me just to say that to be the best father you can be his needs must be a top priority but by the same hand if she is going to be the 'other parent' then your relationship with her must be strong for you both to be there for him and for your relationship to work and for you to be happy.

If you find his behaviour inappropriate then work on that but if he can do no right in her eyes, no matter what he does, then you have bigger problems and that really isn't fair to your son. Hope this helped somewhat.

To smartcookie...I think you need to look at an adopted child the same as a biological child. If you adopt a child that doesn't give someone the right to just 'return to sender' when their behaviour is bad. I am not judging you or trying to be harsh but you need to look at this as a typical stepmom kind of drama for you, not that the child is adopted so therefore the father should just give up on her.

We all deal with good and bad mannered and behaved children/stepchildren and this is good place for you to vent and work out how to deal with the child. I think maybe looking to stop her visitation is the easiest way out, perhaps try another visit, work out rules and punishments with her dad, give her her rules and start again.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

QUINJAI3's picture

i would like to extend a very warm welcome,

you have come across a very welcoming and supportive group who will let you have the vent you need when things get stressful but will also give some great advice when possible ( sometimes hard due to different country laws) but it has helped me more then words can express. so welcom and just know that we in here know and feel your frustrations and you will not be seen like a b*#ch just another step parent trying to cope best they can.

Not a Good Mom?'s picture

I can't believe I'm writing here. I had a blow up last night with my 16yo step daughter. She was out past curfew- not much, but was caught in about 4 different lies during our heated argument. I must admit that in most aspects she's not a bad kid- gets decent grades, has a job. But she has emotional problems or quirks like her birth mom that drives me CRAZY! I can't stand to be in the same room with her. She makes a mess of everything (I'm rather neat), her bedroom literally stinks and she has to keep the door closed or everyone complains, she is the biggest drama queen I have ever met, she thinks she is being persecuted big time, her siblings (natural and step) all think she is nuts too. Dad, however, sees no problem. It wasn't until she said something last night about not being able to wait until she was 18 and I said, me neither, and then I said she was free to move out that my husband said STOP. I do not want to be here in this house with her anymore. He won't let her move in with her mom, go to boarding school, etc. I want to get my own apartment until she leaves- he can come visit whenever he wants and I have no desire for a divorce.
What do you think? Any suggestions? I'm a prisoner in my own house and don't want to start taking medication just so I can tolerate her.

Stepmomfromhell's picture

Hi there

I'm new to this but feel awestruck that I finally came across such a site after surfing the net for ages!!

Not a Good Mom? you and me are like two peas in a pod! My 16 year old step-daughter and I also had the very same argument. She's messy, her room also stinks, she's disrespectful, treats my 9yo like dirt & I could only WISH that she'd get PASSABLE grades and get a job - HA! That ain't gonna happen in my lifetime!

After my blowup (in front of her dad!) I packed my stuff and got out. I also told my DH that I would be perfectly happy to wait for him for 5 years! We since reconciled and my best advice is IGNORE HER!! I no longer care about what she wears, where she goes, whether she fails, and what will become of her - I am counting the days. I told her that I was so happy she admitted verbally to hating me/ being at home because I have felt the same way for some time. We now both know where we stand and I feel RELIEVED that I no longer have to keep up the pretense of caring...because I don't. My heart breaks for how this hurts my DH, but I found that I was getting myself into such a state by being involved that it started to affect me badly & our that I'm not involved I give ALL my attention to my 9yo...I wish she'd get a life elsewhere. Just don't take that medication - she ain't worth it!

cntdonemore's picture

Wow. Sounds like my life also. My sd15 drives me insane. She acts so much like her mother i just want to slap it out of her. Her dad thinks she is fine. He sees that she has attitude issues and disrespects me but he won't let her move in w her mother. We are both in the army and so is his ex wife. We are in Ks she is in Georgia. My husband hates his ex wife with good reason. My 15 yr old sd is not my husbands biological daughter. He adopted her after he married her mom and then in the divorce she gave up custody of both kids to him. Anyway - i plan on going to Germany the end of this year and debt want my sd to come. She will be almost 17 and it'd be better for her to stay in the US to look at colleges or what knot. My ss10 i can deal w for the most part. We also just had our first child together in Dec and i can't stand them being near her... SD has a baby obsession and its annoying. I hate it. I take Zoloft just to deal w everything. I want to move out until i go to Germany but my husband tells me no.

Austen's picture

but I have a sure-fire way to stop the whining in the younger kids. My SD was 5 when I came to into her life, and would flop on the floor, or cross her arms and stamp her little feet, then whine, whine, whine.
I would calmly step over her little body when she flopped, going about my business and ignoring her. If she was in the way, I'd tell her to go to her room and lie on the floor there because she was obstructing foot traffic. Later, I'd do an impression of her "flop" that made her laugh and, I think, see how silly she was being.
When she stamped her feet, I'd chuckle at her and say that kind of behavior simply wasn't allowed in our house. Again, I'd tell her she could stamp her feet in her room, but that such antisocial behavior wasn't going to fly in common areas of the house.
When she whined (I can't stand whining!) I told her I couldn't hear her. It was just something with my ears, that they don't hear that whiny pitch, I said. Her father backed me up on all these things.
Knowing she wouldn't get what she wanted when she whined because we "couldn't hear her," she shaped up incredibly fast.
It's been a year since the last flop and foot-stamp. At times she still gets what I call that "doggy" whine, but I go about my business and ignore her, or gently remind her that I can't hear her. She actually quickly will start her sentence again from the beginning in a normal tone of voice. Huge progress, simply by ignoring the behavior or telling her to take it elsewhere -- where there is no audience.

CanAnyoneHelp's picture

When my husband and I first married, my stepson was 13. He did strange irritating things: talked in a strange voice, acted like he was much younger. I told my husband that I thought he needed to see someone. He never did. On one "family" vacation, I turned around in the van to see him looking at me with an evil expression. He used to give me the creeps. Now he's 20 (not the least bit independant - and acts more like 17) and I'm not scared of him, but, I still would be happy if I never saw him, again. No bonding here.

Anonymous's picture

Oh my- this sounds like the perfect place for me. i always feel so alone on this subject and it is so nice to hear other people with similar problems.
I am to the point where I can't stand my step-son. I met my hub. 9 yrs ago, when my step son was 2. From day 1 this child had attitude w/ me. It has only gotten worse. And believe me I've tried. His mom is honestly a real B who thinks she is god's gift to the earth and everyone is underneath her. I honestly believe that she has fed crap into my stepson's head for years on how he should treat me. I have 3 children with my husband and one on the way. We have struggled over the years and many times I have almost called it quits because of the stepson and my husband's needy family (that is another forum probably). I have only tried to make my step son a better person, because I did care. I didn't want to see him become one of those kids who got into trouble all the time, because he was from a divorced family. My husband has always used the stupid excuse of it is so hard on him because he is from a divorced family, as to why he doesn't discipline him like he should. Yet he has absolutely no problem yelling at our children or disciplining ours. Which infuriates me, because it is that the step son can do no wrong ever. All you ever hear is how good he is at this and that, totally glossing over with amnesia i guess that he acts like a 2 yr old brat.He now complains that I never have shown him affection, etc.. In the past when I've tried it was always shut down. I think that is just his current excuse. he says I never compliment him- which is un true. When he does good at something- sports or school I tell him he did a good job. I tell him thank you on the rare occasions that he acts his age (11) and doesn't act up. the step son is nasty towards our children. He fights with them all the time, tries to hurt my oldest who is 5 when so called play fighting and he purposely trips up my daughter who is 4.This weekend I got in his face. he took a lightsaber toy (which isn't the lightest toy) and wailed on my son with it. I was downstairs and I could hear it all the way down there, the repeated whacks. I immediately went up there and my son was crying and had whelps on his legs and arms. A part of me wanted to beat the living daylights out of my stepson and If i didn't have any composure I think I really could have, for what he did to my son. I went straight to the stepson- asked for the lightsaber and told him he better count his blessings that I didn't beat the crap out of him like he did my son. I threw the thing in the trash. But of course when my husband for once sits him down to talk to him about his behavior, he gives attitude and starts his pity party. When he is at our house he gets way less discipline than my children do. My husband thinks it is suitable to give him at 11 a 6 minute time out (the same punishment he gives my 5 yr old). My step son always dictates to my husband what he is going to do, but any time I state my opinion about this and how it isn't right and how he doesn't respect my husband because he lets him run all over him, I get the basic stay out of it attitude. I just am about to give up totally. I will not let him be nasty to or hurt my children, they don't deserve that. It was my fault for not listening to my instincts the day of our wedding, when I almost walked out and said forget it, but I was 22, pregnant and scared of raising a child on my own. I don't know what to do. I don't want to say him or me, but I do feel that way some times. I just find myself counting down the years until he is 18 and I really won't have to see him much at all.

SUEBEE's picture

I just found this site and I already feel right at home!!!! I just got remarried 1 year ago. I have a 16 and 13 old girls and my husband has an 18 yr old girl that lives with us.
It has been EXTREMELY hard for all of us to adjust to this living situation. She is the most spoiled, self centered, selfish, immature 18 yr old I ever met. All I can say is thank GOD my girls don't act like that.
Sometimes I wish that I never got remarried cuz it just makes it really difficult living together. When she is mad or upset at something that didn't go her way., she walks around the house and ignores you for weeks/months at a time... Completely ignores everyone and my girls can't stand her .... and I really don't care for her much either.
All she cares about is shopping, her hair, clothes.,'s sickening.
Her whole $500 ck a week from work gets wasted on BEBE, SEPHORA, all the expensive stores...
PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE because I'm not sure how long I can live like this. . I adore my husband but now I realize that she is just his little angel and could do no wrong.... its really sickening....

Wow really glad to find this site, I have felt so alone! I have now been with my partner for 4years, he has a daughter of 16 and a son of 14. They are the most spoilt brats I have ever met. They tell their dad that they don't want me around and everytime me and their dad try and spend some alone time together they ensure that they make their dad feel so guilty that he ends up going back to them. We have now, in the last year had two alone days(evenings) together and now even the dad is making me feel very unwelcome. I have invested FOUR years of my life to him, I am finding it hard to leave him (but not the children!), I don't know what to do anymore...any thoughts anyone!! I keep thinking Ill wait for his daughter to leave home and then maybe everything will be perfect, but I am 36 now and would like a child of my own, my time is running out too.... ahhhhhhh!!!

Anonymous's picture

My husband and I got married almost 2 years ago. I have 2 girls and he had full custody of his 2 girls. They are all 2 years apart with mine being the oldest and the youngest (currently they are 13,11,9 7). We only dated for about 2 months before we got married but for some reason I thought that getting married would make things easier. For the first 6 months to a year things were going well. Small kid problems but no big deal, mine and my husbands relationship was going well. There were many things that were building though that I didn't know until recently. For the past year I have just been unhappy and would rather be at work than at home. Prior to getting married, it had been just my children and I for 5 years and we had a very loving and close relationship. Well, once we all moved in together and the competitiveness and rivalries started I found myself getting on to my kids for things done that they didn't necessarily do but I had to make a point. The 2 sets of kids have totally opposite personalities and upbringings. I make really good money and get a large amount of child support for my children and my husband is a laborer and gets no child support for his kids. This in itself caused lots of problems. Also, I told him frequently that I felt a need for us to spend time with our own kids and he adamantly rejected this idea. I got to the point where I just really didn't like his kids. There not bad kids at all, but have been raised totally different from my beliefs. For the last year, I've been on anti-anxiety medication to try to keep me calmed down but they didn't help. Well, I finally just couldn't take it anymore and after my husband and I having the same arguments, mainly about the kids, for 2 straight days I came home one day and told him I was moving out. He was in shock and couldn't believe that I had to do that. I love and care about him but my own self preservation as well as my relationship with my kids meant more to me. I feel like a horrible person because I just got to the point where I did not want to be a mother to 4 children, 5 if you count my husband. I try talking to him but anytime I bring up things with the kids he switches to another topic of a problem we have. We are talking and sometimes do things together and I can't help but feel like a grandparent when they say that grandkids are great because you can see him and have fun with them and then send them home. That's kind of what my husband and I are doing now and it works great for me. Since I moved out 4 weeks ago, I no longer take anxiety medication, my school work (I take 3 college courses on top of working full time) has gotten back on track, I actually am spending more time now with my kids and my children and I have laughed more the last couple of weeks than we have in 2 years. But, for some reason I still cannot just tell him that things won't work. If anyone has any input or advice it would be greatly accepted.

mdk11671's picture

My have been married to my husband for a little over a year, have to daughters 15 and 9 and stepdaughter 10. I have always been very tight with my daughters. My stepdaughter's mother has not raised her child the way have raised mine (making sure they know they are loved no matter what), therefore my stepdaughter is very jealous of my relationship that i have with my kids, especially my 9 yo. I try as hard as I can to make her feel like she is part of the family, but no matter what I do, its never enough, she has even gone as far as telling me that it annoys her that my 9 yo calls me mommy. My stepdaughter started living with us full time back at the begining of summer, when her mom let her apartment go and moved in with a friend, she see her mom maybe once or twice a month, them her mom moved in with her nana, which lasted for 2 months then she left the state went drug alochol rehab for seven months, told us and her daughter she was her job that she had only had for 1 week was taking her out of state. She went 2 weeks without any contact with her mother. Now her mother is back in town living with an old girl friend(& her 2 kids). She suddenly wants to try and run our house thru her daughter. She has nothing for daughter so my stepdaughter has to take things (clothes) to her house, then doesn't want to send them back, soon almost all her clothes are there. Her anwser when we ask for the clothes back is I can"t help it if you can't provide her with what she needs when she is at your house. Sorry got off on tangent about the ex-wife-in-law, but a little history of what kinda life my stepdaugher has had with her mom. I do understand her being jealous of something that she has never had, but i do everything possible to make her fit in. I don't understand why she can't just be gratefull the life that she has now instead of constantly keeping score with what i do with my youngest daughter. I don't hate my stepdaughter, I hate the jealousy and the greediness.

stepwho28's picture

wow. thanks for that post...I just started reading posts tonight...I have a 10 year old son, a 14 year old daughter and my new husband has a 13 year old daughter and a 17 year old...and our two children are COMPLETELY different. My kids are very academic, driven...his kids are athletic, but never had a second of discipline their entire life. I get SO completely stepdaugther (SD) claims to like me but to my face glares at me, ignores me, acts as if I don't exist...and also acts like that my BD (biological dauther?) doesnt either...and they are about the same age! My husband raised them on his own and has a lot of pity for them. His 18 year old does NOTHING. No job, no desire to drive...our grass was like, 3 feet high...there is no reason why I should have to mow the lawn with an able bodied 18 year old that lives RENT FREE in the house!! GRRR...I like your idea of living separate!!! I should have thought of that prior to taking vows!!

MommyLuv's picture

I haven't read all the threads but I've read a few. For those of you who have to deal with kids that talk about the other bio parent constantly, there is an easy solution but your bio-parent must agree so a consistent message is sent. My spouse asked for it and it has worked out well for all of us. The rules is we talk about mommy at mommy's house and daddy at daddy's house unless something is wrong. This teaches the child respect; you do not talk about people behind their backs. Its as simple as that. Good luck!

upset's picture

I am also new to the post. But, you are in the same spot as me. Only my SS in 9 and he asks like he is 4. He sceams and jumps around the house. I was a single mother of two and in the military( where I met my husband) before my marriage, so I know about kids.My SS came to live with us about a year after our marriage,because my husband is still in the military and gets deployed alot. My SS had been living with his grandparents for about four years before he came to us. His mother istotally out his life. From day one it has be trouble, me and my husband argue all the time and it always center around my SS. My husband is gone so much that I have to deal with SS by myself, and when I complain to my husband says he understands, I don't think he does. Even SS grandmother and I said he needed a counsler and now It turns out I was right. He has ADD but I really don't think it is just that alone. I really think he is just undiscliped and spoiled. My husband says I should be the bigger person because my SS is "a child" and I am the adult. We have a one year BD too. So, I have alot on my plate it is easy for him to say give him a chance when he is not here. I have asked my husband to send him back or we are heading for divorce now he is saying he parents spoiled him to much and he doesn't want him back there. But he is not the one who watches him. He gets deployed for a year or more sometime. My BD is 8 and they are both in the 3rd grade he failed once. He is always in trouble at school, has gotten suspended or taking a pop gun to school. And gets written up every single day. He has even urineated on the floor in his room. I really dislike this kid and I hate my husband making me out to be the bad guy because SS is "just a kid". Thank you, I really needed to vent.

stephtrey's picture

It sounds like you did the best you could but that you also did the right thing for you and your girls! It's hard to admit you've made a bad choice and even harder sometimes to find the courage to "undo" it. If you are really sure that things aren't going to work out you need to tell him.....mostly for your own sake, to get that last bit of weight off of your shoulders. Be Happy. You sound like a good Mom, your girls are lucky.

Anonymous's picture

My fiancee has two kids, 10 and 12. I used to like them...then all the sudden their true selves came out. the younger one is basically the "older brother" is always bossing his brother around and telling him what to do. Now the REAL older brother is a total baby. He still sleeps with a teddy bear and this certain (nasty) pillow. HE's 12 years old for goodness sake!!! Not to mention the ten year old still sucks his thumb. So the older kid tells his father that he wants to live with him, that he hates his new stepdad, he's so mean to him, blah blah blah.So his dad brings it up to his ex-wife. She freaks out, tells him he's trying to take away her kids, you know the drama. So the kids leave and he hasn't heard from them in a month. Not for lack of trying, he has called many times. And his ex-wife says, well K*** says he doesnt want to go live with you. He asks to talk to his son. K*** says he wants to stay with his mom. I can't be with kids like that. I don't like kids acting like babies, then lying saying they want to stay somewhere, then all the sudden change of heart. 10 and 12 year olds should NOT be acting like this. I can expect it with a 3-5 year old. These kids are almost teenagers?!WTF?!?!?!? I know I should love them as my own, and I know this will cause tension if I say it, so its kind of stopping me wanting to marry him.

number 2's picture

I have been dealing with this way too long and I need advice. I've been with my man for 5+years. We just got married a year ago. He had alcohol problems before, but he's doing 10times better. His X used to keep his child away from him due to that, to which I always agreed. Now that we are married she is now just finding reasons to keep her away from him. Aside from all that, the brat from hell uses it to her advantage and plays mommy against daddy. No one sees the damage being done. She is rude, obnoxious and no one disciplines her. They feel guilty. Everytime I say " you need to do something" and "not let her get away with it", he gets defensive and saids he doesn't get to see her that much so deal with it. She acted out alot once she knew we were getting married. Now she's downright rude. Daddy will say lets go mini golfing or something and she'll look at me and say "oh you can come".. Its hurtful to me and my husband thinks i'm over reacting. But its still hurtful to me and he wont say a thing to her. Again, letting her get away with it. So I'm approaching it as I don't want to be involved with her anymore. The Xwife will ask us to watch her one night as a favor. Then shows up 4 hours later because the kid called and didn't get her way (watch a tv show) and feels threatened... the X shows up and demands her kid.. it becomes ugly. I'm sick of his Xlife ruining our life.
What do i Do ? I do not hate people at all, but I'm becoming very hateful towards a 9 year old.

Notcrazy's picture

I just found this web site and cried because I'm not crazy. For years I thought it was me that no one could possibly be going through or feeling the way I do about my SD. I hate her...I hate the feelings she brings out in me. I feel guilty that I hate her. I really believe her behavior is intentional for me to leave or cause Dad and I to fight.

I finally broke down yesterday and went to the Dr. for depression and anxiety.

I have been married for 6 years and it's getting worse. She is now 12 and runs the house. She decides everything. She has far more power and influence in the house than I do with Dad. I try to make reasonable rules and she breaks them and doesn't care. Dad doesn't do anything to back me up. When he's not around she treats me like garbage and when Dad walks in it's the infamous "Hi Daddy". It kills me. I tried to tell my husband what's she doing but he doesn't believe me.

My anniversary weekend had to be modified so she could go to a football game with her friends. Or if we go out to dinner we have to work around her social calendar.

I tried talking to my husband this morning about the depression and told him how I felt without saying "I hate your daughter". I gave him examples of situations and all he can say is that "I'm trying to stay neutral". What does that mean???? It felt like a slap in the face. What is there to be neutral about? He should be on my side! He got very defensive and ended the conversation and blamed for the bad day he was about to have at work.

I'm afraid that the SD will be successful in causing our divorce.

ThirdPlace's picture

Oh my goodness, "notcrazy".... your post could have been from me. My 18 year old stepdaughter is doing everything she can to break up my SO & I. We've been together over 8 years...but only all moved in together 2.5 years ago. Things went downhill from the moment we all moved into the same house. She steals my things (lies about it to daddy), she treats me like shit (lies about it to daddy), she acts like the entire world revolves around her. When she's with us we have to listen to HER music, watch TV shows that SHE wants, watch the DVD's that SHE wants to watch... we must listen to her tell us how much everyone at school LOVES her... how everyone thinks she's SO beautiful and SO talented. She butts heads with her teachers, her dance instructors, her trainers (she's a classical ballerina)...because she truly believes that she's better, smarter, more beautiful and talented and has much better taste than anyone else in the entire world. I can honestly say that I can't stand her. (having said that... I also feel very guilty about the fact that I can't like her).

Both her parents... (My SO and the BM) treat her like a china doll. They argue with teachers, trainers, instructors and other parents who complain about her bullying-tactics. They believe it's everyone ELSE who has a problem... and not their sweet child.

She lips me off and laughs at me when daddy's not looking and...well... he either doesn't believe me when I tell him or he doesn't bother to say anything to her about it.

She DEMANDS the attention of everyone around her at all times... and if someone else gets something new, or wins an award, or does something great.... she's got a better one, has more awards or did something MUCH better. It's painful.

A few weeks back I gave up.. .I 'disengaged' and her response has been to tell daddy that she's NOT coming to our house so long as I am there. Now... as you can imagine... this suits me JUST FINE... but daddy is NOT very happy about it and has taken to begging me to "be nice" to her.

I'm close to ... dangerously close to ... the breaking point. I hate her and I'm ready to tell her so. She truly believes that she's GOD'S gift to the world... and I'd love to tell her otherwise.

I do so love my SO... but his devil-spawn is killing me.

overwhelmed but not evil's picture

No, you're not crazy, and neither am I. I just found this site tonight, and while I have less hope than ever as far as things changing, I'm glad I found the site because it's nice to know I'm not alone or crazy. I know, I HATE the feelings my 10-year-old SD brings out in me and I feel very guilty that I don't like her right now. She was nicer and caused less problems before we married. I have thought many times that I need some anti-anxiety meds - I get anxious and dread going home to my own house when I know she is coming over every other weekend. My husband does not believe me either - several women on this post have commented about the blinders on these childrens' fathers, and mine has them on too - thick as they could be. I just don't get it - how can they NOT see this ridiculous, manipulative, rude, bullying behavior? I also feel like I get slaps in the face when he tells me he just wants a harmonious family and blames me for the chaos. My husband has also blamed me for his bad days, etc. etc.etc. My SD has MUCH more power and influence in my home than I do. I had to give up entirely a very special dinner my husband and me had planned so that she could come over unexpectedly - and my husband does not mind this at all - in fact, told me that I should be happy to be a blessing to her. Are you kidding me - I wanted to spit! What is the deal with these men - is it guilt or something else, I just don't know. My SD and my husband look like lovers when she comes over - she hangs all over him - my mother is convinced she does this to aggravate me. I'd like to think it is in innocence just because she misses her "Daddee" but I'm becoming more inclined to believe my mom. I am seriously thinking about moving into a separate apartment - I don't want a divorce, but I can't continue to have my self-confidence and self-respect depleted in this manner. With me, it is not as much that the child - because she is after-all a child, who was affected by her parents' divorce and likely has overwhelming feelings that cause SOME of her behavior, but it is that my Husband blames me for the problems - because I can't seem to get along with the manipulative,rude daughter. I cannot take being the scapegoat for this family's dysfunction any longer.

Anonymous's picture

I never wanted kids. I came into this relationship when the only child was 15 and she is now moved out and married. The problem is that I do not want this girl around....ever. She is a pathological liar whose friends are complete trash. The daughter has chosen this lifestyle and I want no part of it. I don't want her or her idiot husband at my home. Of course, this is creating a problem between her mother and I. Mom believes nearly everything the kid says. I'm sure every mother wants to believe the best about her child, but I have no tolerance for liars.

Holidays are around the corner us and that means more time with the family. The kid shows up at any and all family events because she's very nosy. That has been another problem. The kid wants all the gossip so she can go tell her father, husband, inlaws, etc.

Mom and I went to counseling earlier this year. That was fruitless. Her mom will agree with me about all the reasons I don't want the kid around, but still wants the kid around because she wants to give her some direction.

My ideal solution would be essentially breaking ties with the kid until she straightens her life out. I don't need to LIVE the day to day drama, I'm content for her to hate me until she wises up. I've given this kid more chances than I care to recount. She asks our opinion, then does the opposite. I don't talk to her if I can help it. She's proven herself unworthy of my attention.

I guess the bottom line is the kid was hell to live with, but the hell didn't end when she moved out. I am happy in my relationship except for this one area...I don't know how much of this I can take. Sad

Anonymous's picture

I have been married for about four months and I have two SDs that live with me and my husband. The oldest (8) is wonderful and never causes any problems. On the other hand, the younger one (7) is a complete terror, especially when her father isn't around. The girls father is in the Navy and is home most of the time but is gone for a week or so every month. He also has overnight duty every six days. Needless to say, I absolutely hate the times when he is gone because she is a nightmare. She is rude, defiant and refuses to listen to me. I will tell her clearly not to do something and she will ignore what I say and always do what she wants to do. Her father has disciplined her and I feel that I am constantly talking to her about the same things. I have tried talking to her, grounding her, putting her in time-out and nothing has helped. I have gotten to the point where I can't even stand being around her anymore. It is harder for me to bear now because I am pregnant and also work full time. By the time I get home, I am too tired to deal with her misbehaviour. I feel like I am losing my mind.

Tiana12's picture

I have a SD10,SS8 and BD 3months and SD went through that stage and I think SS8 is now going through it. It is absolutely like no matter what you do or how nice you are they are just out to hurt you with the little comments and attitude. In the end of the day I just thought to myself, one day when they grow up maybe they will appriciate me. But who knows...

Anonymous's picture

I am hoping someone can give me any words of wisdom that don't include puts downs telling me what an awful person I am or that I knew what I was getting into. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 1/2 years, when we first started dating he told me early on that there was a girl who may be pregnant with his baby, but that he doubted it was his. The baby was born about 5 months later with a lot of medical problems, so the whole DNA test got pushed to the back burner, b/c we didn't even think the baby was going to live. Long story short she recovered, but will always have problems, her idiot mother meanwhile got sick of taking care of her and dumped her off with my boyfriend's mother, who happily started raising her. The problem is the girl is now 5 and my bf's mother is obsessively calling for him to go spend time with the kid(who looks nothing like him) his mother basically guilt trips him and forces him to choose between me and the girl all the time. I go along to their house as much as I can stand, but the kid is such a spoiled brat I can barely tolerate being around her. I think that part of the problem is for the first 2-3years she was alive that my boyfriend still vehemently denied that she was in fact his, now though when I bring up a DNA test, he says so much time has gone past and he has bonded with her so she's his regardless, which really makes me mad, he never had a relationship with her mother, who is completely out of the picture, but he's willing to accept this kid to basically not rock the boat with his mom who is really the one who is so attached to the girl. I think what really hurts me is the fact that she looks EXACTLY like her mother, who did nothing but try to cause problems in my boyfriend and I's relationship early on, so it's like everytime I see the little girl I see her mother, so it almost makes me ill to see my boyfriend be affectionate with her, and when he chooses to see her I feel like he's choosing her over me. I am so sick of feeling his way and I know rationally it's not right but none the less I can't help it, if anyone can give me any words of wisdom I would really appreciate it

Sickening's picture

My step-daughter moved in with us 2 years ago, up until then she lived with her poor excuse for a mother. She is now 13, and how she was raised is affecting her behavior. She is always going through my stuff when I'm not home and actually takes my underwear and puts it in her drawer, and I'm pretty sure wears it. That is so gross I don't know what the appeal can be. Anyways her dad, told her she was grounded after she had stole that and my make-up. Well she didn't learn a thing, b/c I found more of my stuff in her room. And this is stuff that I tried to hide where she wouldn't look, so she really went through my closet to find it. I told him it was time he said something or I would, and he told her to quit stealing my stuff. She denied it saying she had never stolen anything of mine(she also lies constantly). He told her he knew she had done it and grounded her for 2 week and she is supposed to apologize, however that apology hasn't came yet, and I'm pretty sure it's not going to teach her anything to be grounded again. Can anybody tell me a way to tell her that it's not acceptable to steal from me that will get the point across????

StressedinCanada's picture

My SD12 used to do the same thing. At first it would creep me out. Then it started to iratate me. Then she started to do it to others too. Even strangers. Finally DH told her that she needs to stop. He told her that it creeps people out and that one day she could stare at the wrong person at the wrong time and get popped in the jaw. Low and behold the staring ceased. For the most part. I still get what I call the evil eye. LOL

becky8633's picture

I feel so releaved that im not the only one who feels this way about about a child. I've been with my partner now for 1 1/2, and were expecting our first baby in feb next year however he has a little girl from his previous marriage to his nightmare of an x wife and shes 5 years old. I felt for a while like im the one who is the bi**h and i should make more of an effort because its my other halfs daughter and surely i should love her to bits like I love him but i cannot stand this child in our lives and as much as i want to say to him i dont want her around anymore, i can't because i know its not the right thing to do. Im at my witts end with her. We had trouble previously with the X but i ignored that but now this child is just as bad! She lies, steals things, is attention seeking to the point that i just want to shout at her and make her leave! And everyone doesn't see it! My partners mother constantly molly cuddles her and buys anything she asks for, she truely thinks this kid is the golden child and cant do nothing wrong... I hate being around this kid
! and im terrified that she'll teach my little one to be like her! Everytime we drop her home after having her for a weekend (we have her every other weekend) next thing we hear is the X wife screeching down the phone that her little girl is in tears because daddy never buys her anything only the "new baby and stepmommy" and daddy makes me sleep on the floor because the new babys stuff is everywhere. So many lies! This weekend previously we took her out for the day, bought and spent about £30 on things she wanted plus we did what she wanted to do. She is the most spoilt selfish little brat i have ever met. My parents (separated) both bought her xmas presents last year, when i said to her "your a lucky girl my mum and dad bought you things to" i had the response "i dont want them their not my mum and dad are they". This is from a 5 yr old kid. Im sorry but am i the only one who is shocked by this response?! i was brought up so differently and to be thankful for everything im given. How ungrateful. I catch her taking my jewelery and things, and when i ask her for it back she says "its mine, mummy bought if for me". Everytime my other half asks me if i would like a cup of tea or something or calls me by using the word "baby" when i reply to him she comes in and says "no im daddys baby hes talking to me!". Its getting quite bad now though because my partner knows how i feel (he thinks i find her difficult not that i actually detest her and couldn't care less if she wasn't around" and i notice that when shes around, because i do my best to get out so i don't have to be around her, he gets really upset. He has said to me that he loves her but he wishes he's never had a kid because its upsetting me. How bad do i feel.... Because i don't want to hurt him. No matter what other people say about her, try living with her and they'd see what i do!

Catch22's picture

I understand how you feel a I have had those feelings myself, and you are right, it does feel terrible to know you feel that way. But as you are now pregnant with his baby, life is about to change dramatically for you as it did me. My son is about to turn 2 in a week. My SS was 8 when DH and I got together and it was very hard when my SS didn't want me around his daddy, but you have to have your husband on the same page as you, she is 5 and you both should be able to change the way she feels about you. Help her stop seeing you as a threat to her daddy and getting her own way, befriend her now before she gets older as this will control your life, believe me!

Stop DH's mother being such an influence in her life and start to teach her manners and respect and your DH should be with you on all this. She needs an equal amount of love and disapline from you both and for her to see a united front with you and your husband. the childs mother and DH's mother need to see this united front also.

Teach the little girl to share and love and respect you and her dad and it may help. My SS was 8 and it was to late for that by then. It never gets better if you don't try something, I know that first hand. So give it all you have, it could be the difference between your sanity, your relationship with your babies father and your SD's emotional well being. Good Luck!!

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

Anonymous's picture

my dad and stepmom have been married for about 10 years now and she is as annoying today as the day they got married and her daughters dont help the situation any more. i am the yongest out of 4 biological children from my dad yet im the only one that stepparent cant seem to get along with, now im 17 and i have a job and i pay my bills and i do my chores as asked by my father, but she still nags and critisizes me about things from my average grades to arguing with me when im not feeling good,because unlike her 2 perfect daughters who do NO wrong i do every thing wrong, and im so sick of her ragging onme all the time can someone please give me some advise as how to help our relationship out untill i turn 18 which will be in a few short months
thanks feelinTrapped

mskeebler's picture

My almost 12 year old stepson acts like he's 6. He whines, cries and has temper tantrums like he's a toddler. It drives me insane and I can't stand to be around him. Family outings are a blow, especially since he often embarrasses us by falling out and having tantrums or making a scene. He acts helpless like he can't do anything for himself. Then he turns into a baby and does baby talk when he wants something. I find myself staying out of the house as much as possible on the weekends just so that I don't have to be around him because sometimes I can't stand to see him walk into a room. I am new to this site as well and it's great being able to vent to people who understand instead of saying I'm an impatient b!tch.

Seasons's picture

I feel an overwhelming since of running for the hills. I feel like an impaitient B?tch most of the time. I am told that after 2 1/2 yrs nothing will probably really change. If the skids mainly SD doesn't like me that will be the way it is. I get tired of the fighting and the whinning as well as the lack of dicilpline that go on in our home. My BF is very inconsisitent and the children suffer because of it. When they walk in the home they usually don't speak to me at all unless to say Where is my Dad. SD 12 gets on the computer and SS 10 watches the many recorded Pokemon. This is where they usually sit. Last night I wanted everyone to pitch in and clean up before we decorated our tree. They helped pick up a little and then they were back in their spots. And there was still work to be done. BF was on his computer also and put in about as much help. I am tired of doing all of the work with this family. BF helps me more than anyone however, he doesn't teach the skids the expectations and consequences. It drives me crazy!!! I get so sick of them coming over because it is all about what are we going to do with Dad time and we just don't BLEND... I just needed to get some of this out sorry.... FRUSTRATED!!!

sixxnguns's picture

I'm going through the same crap....I'm not's like I'm a big monster or something and I don't exist...I get no respect at all! And my fiancee isn't consistant at all unless I nag and bitch about what he's lagging on...and I don't like nagging..I have to nag my daughter daily since she's ADHD and is hyper and more of a challenge than most kids..honestly I don't know why I stay around either...Thanksgiving was a nightmare...the golden child(my fiancee's son) acts like a spoiled brat ALL the time and nothing is changing...he acts like everyone should do everything for him and clean up after him...and do everything his way...but my daughter has ADHD and his family pushes her off as the "bad one" but the golden child can do no wrong...he can say he hates my daughter and hit her and nothing will happen to pisses me right off...and believe me I stick up for her! I've about had it and am ready to get my own place again!

RobertG's picture

I cannot stand my 17 yo SS and my 16 yo SD they lie and disrespect me most of the time. They very rarely do whats asked of them (chores, etc.) and when I get upset and voice my anger to them and my wife, I get "don't put me in the middle" from my wife, or "your such a Nazi" from SD & SS. My wife always tells me that I'm part responsible and I think to myself, we both agreed to certain rules and regulations why the hell aren't you following through with your end???!!! I feel like slitting my throat sometimes but am trying to hang in there for my 8 yo BD and 9 yo BS. Is it me or is it wrong to not want anymore testtosterone in MY house, he's getting way to big for his britches...Advice please!!!!!!!

HELP's picture

I am not a step-parent but my boyfriend has a 3 year old daughter who I have known since she was an infant. He was previously married. Lately she has been telling me that her "Mommy does not like and that I make her sad." She has never said that to me before and I do not give her a reason to say those things. I do not yell at her or discipline her. I am nothing more than a playmate. I confronted my boyfriend about this because I think his ex wife is saying those things to her and completely went off and defended her saying that she would never do anything like that.....My question is if she is not hearing it from her mom, where is she getting it from?
PLEASE HELP!! I cannot take this anymore.

shouldimarryhim's picture

I have been with my live in boyfriend for 3 yrs. And he just asked me to marry him,well I would but he has never made an effort to establish a relationship with my son.My son is 12,he is a basically good kid,he forgets his chores every now and then but he always does it when told.He is a normal kid,he is not mean or rude to my boyfriend.I don't get it,I have tried to talk to my bf forever and he keeps telling me,he will have a better relationship with him.But he doesn't I don't want to marry someone who refuses to be in my sons life.Am I acting crazy?

Catch22's picture

acting crazy. That is the normal reaction for a parent and if he wants to marry you he should pull his finger out. I am sure your son notices this and it's not very healthy for him either.

I have an SS who has never accepted me and it has been very hard but I have still continued to try to build a relationship with a child who doesn't want one with me. I can see no excuse for your BF. If your son has no ill feelings toward him and treats him with respect then it is your BF with the problem. Let your BF know that at the end of the day your son is your flesh and blood and if he wants a relationship with you then he should want one with your son.

Good luck these step parenting issues an be wild times my friend Wink

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

rfavg's picture

I dont think your acting crazy but maybe you should think about the relationship YOU expect your BF to have with YOUR son.. That is another mans child, it frustrates the heck out of me when women like yourself have children and then find other men who are reasonably good guys and expect them to behave like the new BF is the father. This is real world not TV. Its ridiculous to expect another human being to act up to your expectations. My advice would be to raise your son first (afterall, you made your bed) and then date when your son has grown. To do otherwise in my opinion would be selfish on your part. Good Luck whatever you decide, just keep things in perspective (not necessarily always your own). P.S. listen to Dr Laura, she'll have some good advice for you...

Catch22's picture

is for advice not for personal attacks. Perhaps you could be more gentle with your approach to people as you have come across very rude and arrogant.

Besides I have heard Dr Laura is an idiot so that may show your menatlity if you telling people seek advice from her.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

Anne 8102's picture

And while I usually do not respond to anon posters, especially members posing as anon posters, I have to respond to this because it's sooooo flat out wrong.

I had a son from a previous marriage. My ex-husband gave up his rights because he didn't want to be a father. When my new husband proposed to me three years later, he didn't just ask to marry me. He asked me would I marry him and allow him to adopt my 3yo son. I said yes and my little boy now has THE best father in the world. Not ALL men are so selfish and egotistical that they can't love a child they didn't help create. You simply cannot tell that my son is not also my husband's biological child. My DH loves our son and treats him just the same way he treats our daughter.

She never said she expected her BF to behave like he's the father, she just said she wanted them to have a relationship. What's wrong with that? I'm a stepparent and I love my stepchildren dearly. Do not listen to Dr. Laura or the advice of any moron who tells you that you can't have a life until your child is grown. THAT is what's ridiculous.

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

Always 3rd's picture

My finance has a 9 year old daughter with a controlling ex-wife. He always sides with the ex-wife and daughter and I don't even feel in the picture. When I try and speak to the daughter she tears up, won't talk and dad gives me the evil eye. I'm not allowed to raise my voice or have a family discussion in her presence. My fiance won't let me go with him to take the daughter home because the mom hates me.....thinks I'm always mean to her little girl. I hate the weekends the daughter is here. My fiance and her just sit around on the couch wrapped around each other. This makes me so jealous and I know it's because I feel left out. When I confront my finance how I feel he says we will talk about it later. Today when he left to take his daughter home I asked to go and he said NO...I'm tired of you always upsetting my daughter and I just don't love you anymore. Ouch straight to the heart. So, he is with friends and never wants to come back home. I really love my finance but I'm so tried of be 3rd in this relationship. The daughter was always 1st and the ex-wife was always 2nd.

Autiemom's picture

Children can be brats, no doubt about it. Often, willfully so. But children can also learn *not* to be brats. If they continue to repeat an undesirable behavior in your home, then something is reinforcing that behavior, even if it is a negative reinforcement pattern.

The first step to healing is to accept that no matter how friendly a divorce was between your DH and his ex, his children were likely traumatized, and view you as a threat. The evil stepmom archtype is firmly buried into our culture. Stinks, but it's true.

But the real secret to finding peace with this child is realizing that you are powerless to change her behavior. The only person's behavior you are likely to change in the short run is your own...and your reaction to her acting out. It sounds dismal, but if you step back and look at the situation from a distance, you'll realize that a consistent change in your reaction MUST ellicit some kind of reaction in hers.

Consider what the child might find reinforcing about her behavior in your home. Is it your reaction? The dad's reaction? A combination of the two?

Is she feeding on the emotional reaction either you or your spouse are exhibiting when she acts out?

Behavior...good, a form of communication. Even developmentally delayed children can learn, and they learn quickly that their behavior is all they have to organize their world according to their wants and needs.

What you and the child's father need to do is figure out what your step children find reinforcing about acting out in your presence, and then change your reaction to that situation. Most importantly, be consistent.

And yes, the child needs a developmental screening. Early intervention can change a child's life. I know. My twelve year old son has autism, and I became a behavior anaylst so I could help him, because nobody else would and my insurance would not cover the treatments he needed to learn and develop cognitively.

He's in fifth grade now, on the honor roll, and is an amazing artist and singer. And he used to act very much like your step daughter. Perhaps worse. He was very physically violent until he was about five.

Good luck. Take a deep breath, relax....and think about ways you can change your behavior in order to elicit a change in the child's behavior. They may work harder to push the envelope and reassert the status quo for a while, but then....they'll figure out that whatever reward they once took from acting out simply doesn't work anymore.

Resentful's picture

I am so happy I found this sight, I feel the same way. I have a 10 year old SS who I dread seeing and am so irritated about everything he says and does. He is a spoiled brat and his Dad get's mad when I say anything negative about him. His grandfather acts like his parent and overrides our parenting and adores the fact that my SS calls him his best friend. He allows my SS to lie and do whatever he pleases and buy him $500 worth of Christmas presents. He makes me ill and I totally resent this child. His mother is an awful person and makes our life a living hell. Every time I look at this child I see his mom and feel sick to my stomach. I hate it when it's his week here. I adore his father but I seriously don't think I can have this life. It's not good for me to feel this way and maybe the only solution is leaving as his child will never go away. God forbit he chooses to live with us only when he gets older. What can we all do in this shitty situation. Do you leave?

lynn23's picture

I simply abhor my stepsons. One is 16 and the other is 17. You would think they would have some common sense, but they don't. They are jealous of me and my husband's one year-old son because they were adopted. This means they whine about everything. Every time they come over they want money. The youngest one steals the keys to my husband and his aunt's cars and goes joy riding (without a valid drivers license). The mother is a bitter women she speaks only negative things about me and my husband. The kids are somewhat direspectful to my husband because of this. They stay a few blocks away from us but I wish they would just move away. I have thought about relocating. I am not a hateful person and I never met a child I didn't adore until now. They are causing a strain on the marriage and I am having regrets. I think my husband feels that I am overreacting but I think the marriage is a disappointment because of them. He is unable to see the dynamics of all the stress because he is so attached to the situation. For me, I am not wearing rose colored glasses.

Seasons's picture

SD12 has driven me crazy for the last 9 days!!! She wants to take all of her nice Christmas gifts to BM's home.... Last year she took them and we didn't see them back for more than 9 months... I am sick of this *&^%!! The skids are leaving in 30 minutes then they will be back Friday night for the weekend OMG!!! I keep praying the serenity prayer!!! Our dog has been teased,chased and taunted for the last 9 days and the poor dog just wanted to sit on my lap for a minute. I have been cleaning all morning and I finally sit and here comes the dog to rest also... What does SD12 do she tries to take the dog from me after I make a comment about him just wanting to sit with me... She gave him bones and kept calling his name I am like ok I got him we just want to rest so she sits back and continues BF is sitting there and does nothing then BF says after I say to hell with this and get up he says baby I thought you were going to sit with me... I am like OMG I can't believe how he just shuts everything out!!! Drives me crazy!!! OK 29 minutes I can do this!!!

oba3's picture

My wife and I tied the knot last month. I like my SD . . . but I've been having a hard time remembering that these past few weeks. My SD has been acting out. She throws tantrums when she doesn't get her way. My SD went from being extremely independent and cooperative before the wedding to this kind of behavior afterward. When I've suggested to my wife that my SD might be engaging in manipulative behavior (conscious or unconscious) I'm accused of insensitivity. Worse, my wife wants me to be the disciplinarian, yet gives in to my SD whenever she turns on the waterworks. I'm the one who has to be the bearer of bad news.

nemo's picture

So glad I found this site too.
I dread the weekends when the step kid comes.He is in every adult conversation when I feel he does not need to be present or be listening.
I feel there is no adult time when he is there as he goes to bed just before we do,which may be at 11 or later on occasions.
He is starting to alienate friends due to his bullying dobbing behaviour,so he hangs with the adults too much.
When he goes to his mothers he puts on weight and Im starting to think of him as the bully fat kid.
Recently at a party of MY friends,he was swimming in the pool swearing the f and c word,plus a kid ended up with a blood nose thanks to him.
I saw red and blasted him as to not be a bully,dob and he should know better.
Well,Im the bad guy with the partner and son.
I feel I had the right to say this as it was at my friends place.If we were at my partners friends place,I would not have said anything as this seems to be acceptable behaviour with his friends.
I would not want my nieces or the rest of my family to be subjected to this behaviour and foul language so I do not insist on family gatherings at this stage.
I am embarrassed of this kid and he expects me buy him everything,cook for him etc etc.He is lazy and is always putting his friends down for being lazy.He will not put his dishes in sink,leaves his stuff everywhere,has to be told to shower etc etc.
He dobs on everyone(this is probably why we are in court!)and treats his friends poorly.
I am always cleaning and shopping for this kid,cooking him tea etc etc,but have had enough.

unhappy's picture

My eight year old step son is the most manipulative child in the world. He is rude, lies, makes huge messes and refuses to clean up after himself, steals, snoops through my stuff, and does everything in his power to get his own way. To the point where he will make himself hyperventilate and throw up because he wants a toy. I would never allow my children to act this way. We have him week on week off, and even my husband dreads the weeks while he is here. How do you set boundries when he is spoiled rotten in the other house? He ruined my sons third birthday by blowing out his candles, and opening all his gifts, and then stold all the toys he got! I have never come across such a selfish child. My husband says, I don't know what to do, his mother has allowed him to be this, I don't know how to change it. He is destroying our relationship. I am sooo happy that I am not the only person going through this, I felt like such a terrible person.

Ready to be &quot;un-engaged&quot;'s picture

She is 9 and a total spoiled,snobby,whiney brat. Everything is always, "daddy, look at me!" "everyone, look at me!" It's horrifying. The worst part is no matter how awful she is, my fiancee always takes her side and coddles her to the point where I'm ready to scream in his face and tell him the wedding is off. The worst part of dealing with her is I have a 5yr old son who visits us at the same time that she visits. She busted his lip by throwing a playstation remote at him...then she runs to her room crying because she knows she's in huge trouble. Once I got my son cleaned up and calm I went to her room only to find my fiancee sitting with her on her bed holding her while she's crying about how it wasn't her fault. OMG!! I don't care what my son said to her, she had no reason to resort to physical violence. I just couldn't believe my fiancee wasn't even going to punish her or even raise his voice to her.
She even wrote in her journal about how much she hates my son. But my fiancee thinks she a total "Sweet and polite and thoughtful little girl" I just think she's a snobby,mean girl like her mother. Now I know how it works that the new wife is naturally going to hate the stepdaughter and the ex wife...but my sons father is remarried and my sons stepmom and I talk all the time and she loves my son and he loves her. SO I know that it's not just the way things are supposed to be happening. Both the girl and her mother are just horrifying. They even got kicked out of a playgroup bc of the way they are. But my fiancee refuses to listen to me about her mean streak. Of course when he's around the child is perfect and lovely with him. It doesn't help that we are fortunate enough to have an above average income so that makes her even worse bc she thinks she's better than everyone. I told her that money doesn't buy class and my fiancee got so angry at me for saying the truth to her. She is his only child and he is so delusional it's really starting to disgust me. If I have to endure one more weekend of listening to them fawn over each other and practically molest each other they're so lovey dovey...I'm losing my freakin mind. It wouldn't be so awful if he would just acknowledge that she may not be such an angel and she needs to be disciplined instead of coddled constantly. We want to have a child of our own in the next 4-5 yrs but I don't think it would even work. She would hate our child and I will NOT tolerate any more crap like that. I love my fiancee SO much and we've been together for about 3yrs our wedding is supposed to happen in May 08...I know it sounds awful, but I'm seriously reconsidering going through with it. Which would be a real shame because when she isn't around, our life is blissful and perfect...even when we have my son, if she isn't there, our life is wonderful. I just try to picture my life dealing with that little monster and I know the older she gets, the worse she'll get. I am not a bad woman, I love children but I can't deal with this one. Even I know my own child isn't an angel and I know he can be a total butt sometimes like all kids...but at least I correct him and acknowledge his issues. What I can't stand is the indifference of my fiancee.

DIVINE LADY's picture

(misspelled words probably sorry)




Monica's picture

Just wanted to welcome all the new people on the site. I'm semi-new here as well, just found it early this week and i've been here every day since. I stumbled on it as well and am SO happy I did. Just having people to listen and understand is a HUGE help. I hope you all find the same release here that I did, because it feels great!

Emsjane's picture

I have a step daughter, 14 years old, who doesnt live with us, thankfully. She live about 180 miles away, so it causes my partner problems with visiting us and him visiting her. We dont have much money, so staying in B&B's every time is out of the question. I have know her for 6 years now, she was 8 when we met and living with my partner b4 i moved in with him. She moved bk in with her mum in 2004. Basically, my partner has always spoilt her, she has always got her own way and sulks if she doesnt get her own way or invents an illness for attention. I dont like the way my partner is when hes around her, he changes, he chases her around like a lost puppy dog. My two sons, 13 and 11 live with us, my 11 year old has moderate autism, so i have enough on my plate, i dont need to be pandering to a spoilt 14 year old girl!!

She is now saying she doesnt want to come down and stay with us unless she can bring someone with her, cos she says, she gets nervous. I think the trust is, she doesnt like me! I dont give into her sulks and i dont have time to pander to her like her dad has all her life! So she doesnt like me because of that. I cant treat her any differently to my two sons, infact my son with autism doesnt get away with sulking even!!!!! I would tell him he cant get what he wants that way. But, of course i cant tell her that as i would be the wicked step mum, so, as always, i keep my mouth shut. Ive given up chatting to her now, cos when i do, she disagrees with everything i say. I cant be myself when shes around, incase i say something and my partner jumps to her defense or she gets offended. I hate it!!!!!

I think my partner realises now that he didnt do her any favours spoiling her, but he is now in a position where she is dictating to him and if he doesnt give in, she will just refuse to see him. He lost his dad last august and hasnt much family and he gets so upset when they fall out. I hate seeing him hurt and hate her for putting him through that. Any advise or kind words from anyone will be much appreciated x

HeatherRenee04's picture

So relieved to know I am not a cold hearted bitch. My SS is only 2 and we are having so many issues already. My b/f is the biggest pushover & his son... the biggest manipulator. I have a son who is 3 and my b/f and I just had another little boy in December who is one month. However things with his son are being blamed on the fact that there is a new baby in the house.. This is not the case because we have had these same issues since he was one. It's not that he is unfamilar with me or my house because he was only a couple weeks old when i came into the picture. So I have been here the whole time. I'm ready to just give up because it's stressful and I just dont care to deal anymore. However I am torn because I am in love with my b/f and aside from our parenting and days his son comes our relationship usually is wonderful! anyone who would like to talk feel free to email me. I would love to talk with anyone who shares some of my stress and feelings.

ADNOR's picture

My husband and I went on vacation. We left our vehicle at the stepdaughter's place. She drove it while we were gone. (obvious). She told her father that it was in the garage all week while we were on vacation. He believes her. Forgot to state that now my vehicle has scratch marks on the doors. I can prove she has lied but he is so convinced that she is telling the truth that he will probably blow up and call me names (as usual). What should I do?

Tyra35's picture

My husband and I are newly married, although we were with each other and living w/each other for a number of years. His first wife died a week after she gave birth to their daughter, 18 years ago. I have never been able to "get in touch or even involved with his daughter. She is quiet towards me- i have asked her to do things but she never does. She is manipulative towards her father. She just had a baby herself, at the age of 18 and asks her dad all the time for money. I guess i resent her because she if very manipulative. She will never ask her dad for money in front of me always in private. I would like to have a relationship with her, but do not know how. I cant get over these feelings of not liking her. I know, by her reactions, that she doesn't like me either. She is very immature and now expects her dad to give her money whenever to support her baby. Any advice

Wish I had stayed single's picture

I read some of these comments pertaining to being a step parent. This is my second marriage. Let me say this. If I had to do it over again I would NEVER have married again (especially with step children). I met my wife a little over four years ago. I was lonely, depressed and wanted a family. I thought that God brought us together. Now I believe that maybe God was punishing me? This has been the worst nightmare of my life. Listen, anyone reading this who is considering marriage and step children, please THINK AGAIN. My step daughter is rude, she yells at both me and my wife, but even more important than that my wife lets her get away with everything. My wife told me before we got married how great it would be, I would be part of a family (with children). Instead I am now on the verge of bankruptcy, and my step daughter thinks her Dad is the greatest, while I am crap (Oh God how I wish she would go live with him and his wife). I wish I could go into detail about what is happening with my life, but to say the least it would take hours and hours of writing. Just remember, BE AWARE if you are thinking of marrying and becoming a step parent. It's not worth it.


Wish I had stayed Single

Gazzabicks1's picture

Its great to see all these postings but I don't see anything that has given a solution

I love my partner so so much but I really can't bear living with her 3 daughters (12,10,8) who are also spoiled little rich kids (daddys got money), talk to us like we are dirt all the time, get waited on hand and foot and bicker & argue all day long.

It is really getting me down as we also have a 2 year old son between us and I would never dream of leaving him or my partner BUT ITS REALLY!

sarahbernheart's picture

unfortuantly there are not "solutions" there is just resolutions.
does your SO know how you feel, why can you not stand the daughters.
how much time do you have them.
you will find a ton of support here and some answers, solutions will depend on you and your SO.
good luck

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

Miserable AGAIN's picture

Hi Everyone:

I was so glad to accidently find this site. It is so good to know that I am not alone. In fact, I was amazed at how many miserable step parents there are. Now I do have past experience with step children. I have a 24 yo SS from a previous marriage with whom I have a wonderful relationship with. In fact, his father has no contact with him. He is just like a son to me. I am now divorced and have been in a new marriage for the past 4 years. My husband has 3 daughters, and we have a daughter together. I have a BS (21) and a BD (17) from my previous marriage. My SD's are 16 & 13 and one is grown up (24). Our daughter together is almost 3. Let me just say that these girls are spoiled rotten little bratty teenagers that I just can't stand being around anymore. I am about ready to leave. They have been given no parenting (from my husband either) they have the wicked witch from you know where as a Mom, and the older they have gotten the worse they are. All of you that have problems with 4, 5, & 6 yo's, you have a LONG way to go. The problems only get worse and bigger as they get bigger. I love my husband to death and desperately want my 3 yo to live with a Mom & a Dad but I am at my wits end. These girls lie, steal, manipulate, and I truly believe that they only come over to see what they can get out of us. The 13 yo doesn't like to take showers and when we shove her in there, she doesn't wash. She still pees the bed, throws the pee clothes wherever, doesn't tell anybody and the entire room has to be disinfected when she leaves because it stinks so bad. There are never any manners or thank you's, and they are the laziest children I have ever seen in my life. I, like the other poster said, get totally ignored when they come over. One sits on one computer, the other on the other computer and that's where they stay. They also ignore their little 3 yo sister which breaks my heart. I also have diengaged myself over the years but it is still aweful. I feel like a prisoner in my own house. My husband is absolutely no help and all we do is fight when they are over. I am getting older by the minute, and sick to death of fighting about them. I often wonder if it's all worth it. Is it worth it hanging in there until they're adults and they hopefully move to Australia? I know they are going to be loser adults just like his loser 24 yo is. It's like train wreck, you know it's coming, you just don't know exactly when.

Jaden123's picture

I too can not stand my stepdaughter. My husband pays $120 per week in child support and has her every other weekend. She is whiny, rude, and tries to monopolize my husband when she is here. She is 15 and a compulsive liar. Her and her mother call several times a week, wanting extra money for this or that. Sometimes he gives it to them. I make more than twice his salary. I also have 2 children that live w/ us. If I spend money on them, I get the third degree. I'm sick of this. It really seems that blended families are too difficult. I am about to throw in the towel. I think about the future and how all the kids will be grown soon. However, adult children get married, have kids, etc. Then its your grandkids and his grandkids. I can see now that I made a terrible mistake. IT IS NOT WORTH IT LADIES, tell these men to take their kids and ex's and stick them up their ass and go out and find someone with NO KIDS. I would NEVER date anyone w/ a kid again.

stressed step mom's picture

My fiances daughter is 16, she is so manipulative I can't stand it. We change the rules of the house b/c of her. One minute it is she is haven problems dealing with her mom and step-mom (not me) and then next thing they are fighting. It is so hard b/c her step-mom does not do anything for her, I take her to work, take her to her probation appointments, run her to her friends, and dr appts. However I get no respect. Her dad has said stuff to her, but when things are going well he over looks things. When they are not then he says stuff to her. I just get tired of the back and forth crap. I do not think I have it as bad as some of you, but I can feel you. I can not wait till she is gone, which she has two years of high school left. If not I do not think I would honestly make it. being a step mom is hard..... I feel for you all and I wish you the best

deva1234's picture

Well I am so thrilled to hear that there are people out there going through the same situation as me!! I have a 6 year old step daughter who comes to stay every 2nd weekend and holidays. She can do nothing for herself.Or should I say she chooses to do nothing for herself. Her dad has to bathe her and she will sit in the bath and say "dad, wash my fee, now wash my arms......etc....she refuses to sleep in her own bed and screams like a banshee when put into her own bed. She has to sleep on the mattress on the floor next to our bed. When she wakes up it's "dad, I'm hungry" this is when the day starts with him running around after her every need. We will sit down for dinner and it's "I need water" ...........I am beginning to hate weekends with her. She is demanding and has no set routine for bed-time. She is left to stay up until any hour. This of course leaves us with no time to ourselves at all when she is around. We have been married for 2 years and together for 5years. She does not know a time when her dad and mom were together as they split up before she was born. I have 4 of my own children - 2 of which live with me and they are totally independent. I do however blame her dad & mom for allowing this type of behavior. If I bring it up he says he will get her to sleep in her own bed next year when she goes to school. By that time she will already be 7!! Heaven forbid I bring up the bathing issue! He will always take her side and does not even notice me when she is here.

Sunnie's picture

My God I feel for you. I am in the EXACT situation as you, at first I thought it was my post. My 9 SD refuses to bath herself, will not even go the park by herself which is down the street, she sits in between me and her dad. Has to have every light on in the house at bed time because she's scared. I will go to turn them off and i get up in the middle of the night and they are on again. The BM is a idiot herself and she is always trying to get more money. She does not work and her husband is a real "winner". She is trying to pawn her kids off all the time on anyone. I can't stand my SD, My SS i love to death and he often gets left out. But SD is the princes and can do no wrong and should get whatever her heart desires. God forbid if i got what i desired because her face might be on the side of a milk carton. God forgive me for saying that but hey folks I know you all grinned when you read it and felt THE SAME WAY come on be honest. The only way I would leave my new hubby is if he does not dummy up. Kids come first of course, but you have to think about your personal life too, and when his daughter is all grown up and gone...then who is he going to have when the step monster drove all his mates away? She constantly throws tantrums and needy. If I could do it all over again knowing what I know now, I would never date a man wtih a child. I have no children myself. I love my hubby to death, but not worth the stress and BS i get from his little brat princess and his mentally derranged Ex.

tiredofitall's picture

I am so glad to hear I am not the only one going through this. My fiance has two kids with two women. The eight year old girl is precious. The ten year old whom he had with his first wife is a BRAT. When he is around she thinks she is his wife. She walks into the bathroom when he is in the shower. I have to be up early for work and if I leave the bedroom to get a drink or something, she comes in and climbs in the bed and watches movies all curled up next to him so I have to go sleep on the couch since I have to get up early. He has her every weekend and all summer and every holiday. That is per their divorce agreement. He works late at night and she doesn't do a thing to help out. She pouts and talks all the time about how great all his ex-girlfriends were and how much she misses them. She steals from me and my fifteen year old son. She gets into everything in the house even when she is repeatedly told to stay out of stuff- like our jewelry boxes, etc. He says it is normal for her to do that. If she sees it, she thinks it's hers. I don't work in the summer cause I am a teacher and now I have to deal with her all day every day and she baby talks all the time and whines and says rude things. I don't trust her and am not allowed to search her bags before she leaves cause he thinks that is being disrespectful to her. Even though my son and I know she steals from us. My son and I have lots of expensive stuff and I don't know what to do. Her own grandma told me she doesn't like to watch her cause she doesn't trust her. My fiance wants to get full custody and I can't bear the thought of that. I love me madly but don't want her in our lives. She is manipulative and lies. She tells me hateful stuff but when he questions her she lies and says she didn't say that. Her biological mom has been remarried for five years and she is a big fat pig just like the girl. Help! Do I have to give him up or am I condemned to locking up everything in my house and tolerating her abusive comments to me. She acts like she is 3 and daddy does everything for her. She hangs on him all the time and walks into our bedroom without knocking all the time. My son and I have been alone for 15 years and we like our privacy. She comes out of the bathroom or bedroom not dressed and her dad thinks she is just a little girl. She weighs more than me and has larger breasts than me. My son and I are appalled. Help! His other kid is nothing like this and has a normal mom who teaches her proper behavior. Ahhh!!!!

Michael 's picture

I guess I am a little frustrated. There doesn't seem to be any answers here..I guess that's because the situatuion is hopeless. My GF has two kids, one 5 yr. old boy (I get along with him pretty well-I raised a son who is now 19) and a 9 yr old girl. My GF spoils them rotten, buys them whatever they want, makes excuses for their behavior and rarely follows up on her (mild) punishment threats. Ok, ok their dad died six months ago, but he was never around anyway. I have a 20 yr. old step-daughter from a previous marriage who thinks I'm a hero. I met her when she was 15 and never had as many issues with her as I do with the nine year old girl. I am afraid from reading these posts that it will only get worst. The GF doesn't want to send her to therapy about the loss of her father because she thinks its better to just let the kids move on -and for most intents and purposes it seems they have. The GF says she wants my affection but is alternately cold and warm. I don't expect her to be over her Dad so soon but the wierd thing is that when I am alone with my SD she is pleasant and we share stories and it feels close(r). But in front of her mom or her brother she thinks she can be rude, disrespectful and sassy to me. Her mom rarely disciplines her except when she starts yelling at her the umpteenth time after she has asked her to do something. God forbid I raise my voice though, even a little; the GF comes down on me so hard. I feel like there is a possibility that this could be a good family dynamic but I expect a little respect. Any ideas? Please dont recommend therapy for the SD, mom already said no, and its not an option. I guess I just need a good phrase to use against her when she mouths off at me and her mom doesn't discipline her. Any ideas apprecaited. Thanks

bully hater's picture

I'm glad someone else understands how it is. My boyfriend has custody of two sons. One is 14 and is fine, the other is 12 and acts about two. He is labeled as "emotionally disturbed" by his teachers. He constantly lies, steals money and acts like a bully to other kids. The problem with that being he is about 250 lbs. I have tried to help him with his grades and his weight, but he just doesn't want to be helped. My boyfriend's ex is a lost cause and babies the crap out of him when he visits her, then he always comes home with the attitude from hell. My boyfriend says that I'm the one who is getting an attitude about his son. Yes, I guess I am because I'm to the point where I can't even stand to look at the kid... He argues with anyone and everyone, wets the bed constantly (on purpose I think so I have to wash it) and calls me names when my boyfriend isn't paying attention, then lies and says I started it. My boyfriend gets after him if its something he says or does to him or his other son, but doesn't pay attention when its aimed towards me. When I try to talk to my boyfriend he just says I have the choice to leave if I don't like how it is, so I can't win! I have no kids of my own because I'm afraid to have them around his son. I feel like he would be jealous or something and hurt them. Even his grandparents get sick of him and don't believe he is really their biological grandson. They think a DNA test should be done. I strongly agree but who am I to say... I pray every day that he will decide he wants to live with his mom and leave, before I do.... My boyfriend and I have a good relationship otherwise, but unfortunately its gonna come down to me or his bratty kid!!

BabygotBack1988's picture

i thin every step parent has felt that way for the skids at some point exept i never have liked mine still dont there getting better but still bad

life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i always pick the coffe of the box what about you ) Blum 3

kathleen's picture

Hi everyone,

This seems like the many browsers on this site have a lot to say. I'm so glad!. Now sign up and join in. This works so well because of all the people like you who are living the same thing we are. We share our experiences, lend support and learn how to cope from each other. When you sign up you don't give up any privacy or get spam. But you can make personal contacts with people and expand your relationships. I've made friends through this site and I'm glad there are more people who can share in our experiences. Sign up

hopless in texas's picture

I'm new to this site and wish I would have found it a lot sooner. I am so glad I'm not the only one who dislikes my SD. As much as I hate saying that, it is honestly how I feel. My DH has been divorced for 8 years but was not allowed visitation unless it was convenient for BM. Finally, he filed contempt charges to get his court ordered visitation after years of not being allowed to see her. By this time, SD was 9 years old and we started getting her every time the court order allowed us. At first, I was excited because I didn't have any children and thought I would love it. Oh my gosh, was I ever wrong. She is such a damn baby and can't do anything for herself. We have been seeing her on a constant basis for 3 years and she acts so helpless and is very immature. My husband still sees her as a little girl and doesn't get it. During the last three years, we have had to teach her so many basic things that even a younger child knows. For example, when we started picking her up her BM was wiping her bottom after she used the bathroom. Her BM said it was because she gags at the smell. BM thought is crazy to think that was normal. By the way, this child is not handicap in any way. At age 11, SD used clorox wipes to wipe herself because she didn't like using toilet paper. I discovered this because after walking into the bathroom it reeked of bleach. She said she thought they were bathroom wipes. She shares a room with her 8 year old brother at BM's home because she is afraid of the dark and tries to sleep with us but I won't allow it. BM also used the excuse that she can't be without SD because she sleeps with them. She won't eat unless I cook, make her a plate and call her to the table. We taught her how to make a bowl of cereal and a sandwich. I have a four year old nephew that can make a pb&j sandwich. The other day it took her 10 minutes just to untie the twisty from a loaf of bread. She won't get out of bed unless we are awake and she won't go to be until we go to bed. I thought after this long it would get better but it seems like it's getting worse. At 12, she doesn't know how to wash her hair much less comb it. She brings the comb to my DH and expects him to brush it. I intervene and tell her that she needs to learn and I show her how to comb it. She gives me the evil eye and attempts it but it looks horrible. She talks like a baby and it is so annoying. I get in such a bad mood when she is around and hate the times she comes. My husband works a lot so it seems like I spend more time with her and it is too the point where he is going to have to find someone else to babysit her. She is going to the 7th grade and I feel bad for her because her BM babies her that she will probably get made fun of. She has not idea what a menstrual cycle, tampon or maxi pad are. At 12, I feel she should be aware because the BM won't be there at all times. The BM is 29 years old, remarried with another child and lives with her parents with no intention of leaving. She has been living there since DH and her separated 10 years ago. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree because she is making her daughter depend on her for her every need. This is really sad because it's only hurting the SD and making me hate her with a passion. Thanks for letting me vent!

MOther under fire's picture

Ok my hopefully soon to be fiancee has a 6 yr old daughter with his ex wife, he and I have an 18 month old boy together. However she is a good big sister, she anything but with me and MY side of the family and my partner fails to see that, he thinks she is the sweet little angel but i see the horns holding up her halo. He works nights and sleeps all day so I am stuck with this little shithead that isnt even mine and has no respect for me when she is here. Everytime she is in town I go into this deep depression and feelings of rage. I used to think she was ok but when I was getting on her for waking my son up when he was a newborn i said go to your room and she said i dont have to you are not my mommy. Another occasion when we went to see my partners mother, she would not eat anything on her plate. I think it is because she eats mcdonalds literally every day when she is with her mother so she does not like anything else, so his mother made her sit there until it was cleaned up, which never was so my partner stepped in and said to her to go play, letting her off the hook. I tried to tell him in a nice way that I do not want her to live with us and he then said then we are not getting married since i do not want her in my life. HELLO!!! I have legitimate reasons one she is not my child, two we have no room in our 2 bedroom apartment and 3, i already have no time to myself to even relax, i am cleaning between jobs and right now if she does come to live with us, I would much rather be at work than spend a single minute with this brat!! does this make me a bad person to say that i hate her and does it make me selfish?? Please help me.......

Wicked2Three's picture

Oh ohg yuck gag cough spewwww caaaaaack!

Oh excuse me. The SK's handed me that line of crap when I first came on the scene. "She's only 5! My eye the kid is going to be 6 in two weeks!" I think the argument was over her not being able to cut a waffle with a butter knife by herself! She refused to do anything by herself and the parents (with their own problems) forgot to notice that she was getting older and was not being allowed to mature. Oh don't get me started! That was years ago. I must have suppressed that memory.

melanie's picture

Hi I am new to this site and sooo glad I found it and found people who get what I am going through.
First off aI have 2 great kids 11 and 1. I know 10 years apart oh my, but it works for me. I had my daughter when I was 17. Her father and I didn't last and he wasn't in her life for about 7 years. He got married and had a baby with her she is now almost 7. His now ex wife had 2 girls from a previous marriage and they call my duaughters father daddy and that is fine. Well we ended up getting back together after 8 years of not being together and got married a year and a half ago and had my son. So we have two kids together and now I have 3 step kids. Now this is my problem, I love the two girls that are not biologicly his but I hate the little one who is his. I just really can't stand her. She acts like she is 2 becasuse everyone including my husband treats her like a baby. It drives me nuts. And as of lately she won't come to our house because she thinks I hate her, Which I do but don't let it show. All three girls have been coming to our house with no problems for almost 4 years now, but the last month the youngest has been giving me some many problems. She told me when I asked her about it that I call her a baby all the time, Which I do but only when she is acting like one and that I call her a brat, Again only when acting like one. And that I hater her and I treat my bio daughter like an angel. Now my daughter has never ever giving me any trouble. She has been the best kid I know, I never have to speak to her bout anything but cleaning her room. The other girls are out of control and never listen they fight with each other all the time and so it does look like I yell more at them then my own. I do love them all very much but I am so sick of the youngest one. and really would love it if she never came back. It might be a phase we are hoping but she is just so rude to me even when i try extra to be nice to her. I think this all stated when I made her eat her carrots, Which she likes by the way but played the screaming and crying card till she puked on my floor. She has been a brat every since. And I think she likes acting this was becasue it makes me and my husband fight. I don't know what to do with her anymore and was wondering if anyone had any advise for me on how not to kill the step step. lol
I am just tired of dealing with her. thanks everyone.

Kim.Patt's picture

Hi all,
I have kids of my own, and two step-sons, each has a different mom, the older one is fine and we get along. I'm 38. The 12 year old....I HATE HIM! I hate when he comes over, he lies, he manipulates, he acts like he's 3 when he doesn't get his way. He's rude, he's a brat and I wish his mom would up and move far away with him so I'd never have to see him again. He calls MY cell phone today demanding to know why his dad isn't answering his...I say, because he worked until 6 am. The SS says, well, he should be up by now, I said, you're not here, what do you care, to that he responds, I'm coming over tonight at 7 and need to talk to him about taking me home tomorrow. I said, did you talk to him about this and he says, no.!? WTH!? Since when does this kid get to tell me what he's doing??? Maybe we had/have plans that don't include him! THEN, He goes home and lies to his mom about me, says I'm saying things I'm not, and instead of talking to ME about it, she arranges with MY husband to have "family meetings" to attack me basically! I'm so sick of this crap, wish my Husband would stand up to the both of them, but he won't...his "guilt" of not having his son 24/7 makes him let this brat get away with murder! MY mother's day was ruined by one of these "meetings" and I'm just done with it. There's times I want to take my own son & move out, tell my husband he deserves the brat and she bit#& from hell! My neighbor (who's great) tells me all the time I need to watch out for the brat, that he's trouble, obnoxious, etc., all I can do is agree & know that I'm not crazy or a bad person for feeling this way. If he WAS my kid, he'd be over my knee, 12 or not and that would be that. Guess he's coming over tonight then, to ruin the last two days of my time off work and my life. Thanks for letting me vent.

Anonymous333's picture

im 41 the brats 20 now, ive been taking care of them since i was 23, we really cant stand each other, since day 1 she hated me, and its got worse day in day out, the only reason Ive stayed is because I really love my girlfriend, but she cant stand the situation any more, I really had hopes that her daughter would leave when she grew up. shes still here, been abusive and demanding every I cant really leave because my girlfriends doesnt work and they would not be able to support themselves, the dauther works but does not contribute anything to the house, but she still scrounges money from her mother.
in any case im the one thats asked to take a hike , if it comes to choosing i dont stand a chance.
Im really lost, a lifetime of pain, my mother told me it will never work, I cant bear to see my gf so sad when we argue, she bends backwards to keep the peace but to no avail,
what can i do?
we have no other kids,
my gf blames me for not been able to win her daugher over, she says that i was the adult and she was the child, I tried, maybe not hard enoghf, maybe I didnt know how, but its too late now, either I go or I try and hold on, but its really getting difficult
If anyone has some advice please post

KatBlonD's picture

I just found this website and am so thankful I am not alone! I have an 19 yr old from a previous relationship and a very spoiled 8 yr old stepdaughter! She drives me to the point where I can not stand being around her. My hubby and I have been married for almost 4yrs. We are working together to try and make her mind and not be so spoiled, but it is getting to the point where she just annoys me because it is her. She is unappreciative, spoiled and mouthy and only 8! I can not even begin to imagine what she will be like when she gets older. I feel bad even saying this about her, but it is truly how I feel. I raised my son alone until I met my husband, so part of me thinks " I have raised my kid". I knew I was marrying into a blended family, but it is so hard raising someone elses kid.

Losing my mind's picture

Please help. My boyfriend has a 10yr old daughter and i'm trying my hardest to like her. She makes me feel so uncomfortable in my own home that i hate going there after work. Right now we have her for the entire summer and i feel like i'm going to lose my mind. Its strange because she really won't talk to me but i catch her staring at me all the time. When i try to talk to her she either shrugs her shoulders or responds to me as if i'm stupid. I honestly can't take it anymore. I tend to get really depressed when she's around and I have to get over these feelings because i have a 7month old daughter and i don't want her to feel the negativity.
can someone please give me some ideas on what i should do? I've even considered breaking up w/my boyfriend over this but i know that doesn't make much sense.

AngieC's picture

I'm really glad I found this site. It makes me feel better to know I'm not the only person going through this. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years now. We've been living together for the past 3. When we met, his daughter was 12 and his son was 6. At first, the boy was cool with me and the daughter did everything in her power to make our relationship have problems. Then after some time, things seemed to go ok. Up until the last 6 months, everything seemed to go fine and I finally felt like we were becoming a real family. The mother is an alcoholic and constantly tries to use the kids as weapons against their father. They are here every other weekend. About six months ago, the girl suddenly started acting out against me and telling her father that she wanted things to go back to the way they were before I was around. My feelings were really hurt by this because I really thought she cared about me. Then we had a long talk and she told me that she really did love me and thought of me like a second mom. Things were ok for about a month, and then it started all over again, and worse. The last time I saw her we got into a screaming fight and she called me a sl*t. This child is also very spoiled, selfish and disrespectful. My boyfriend stuck up for me, but she started screaming obscenities to him and me and said she hated both of us. Every time he tries to correct her behavior, she calls her mother to come and get her because her mother does not correct her or punish her for anything. On top of that, they haven't been over here for a month now, because she has convinced her brother that he shouldn't come see their dad and is using their visitation as a weapon against him. She wants her parents to get back together, but they've been divorced for six years and separated for a year before that. I believe her attitude is very childish for someone her age. She just turned 16 on Sunday. I don't want to ever see her again. I feel like she is constantly trying to sabotage our relationship and ruin my life! I really hate her right now and wish I never had to see her again. I don't know if I should just ignore her until she's 18 or try to work things out with her (b/c I'm afraid she'll only turn on me again). I love my boyfriend very much and this is just killing him. He feels like he is caught in the middle and has to choose between me and his kids. I don't feel like I'm the one that's doing this - it's her! I think she truly gets of on causing trouble! Every time she is supposed to come over I get anxiety attacks. I am on antidepressants and I'm thinking of having my dosage increased because she is making me crazy! Somebody help me, PLEASE!!!!

BellaBB's picture

I could care less if I ever saw my stepdaughter again. But she was here before me. Sucks. I just try my best to "deal" with it.



Fed Up And Wiped Out's picture

Take it from someone who's been in almost the exact type of situation for three and half years. IT WILL NEVER GET ANY BETTER...ONLY WORSE AS TIME GOES BY. You are better off to move on with your life before you get too wrapped up in a future with him that is going to include her as well. She will always win and you will ALWAYS end up on the bottom of his priority list. I regret the day I met my boyfriend, because I fell so much in love with him and now I'm leaving him because of his children. He treats me and his children very similar to the way you BF treats you and his daughter. I am more heartbroken than I've ever been in my life. It's just not worth it. My advice is to find someone who does not have a children and has more time to devote to you and your relationship. I guarantee you, if you stay with this guy, you'll be in my shoes in another two years, if not less.

All I'm for a little RESPECT (just a little bit).-The Queen of Soul

Want him gone yesterday's picture

I feel so bad but i don't like my stepson. There are people in this world i don't like and he is at the top of my list. i have been with his father for 10 years (since he was 6) and they have lived with their mother. when he turned 10 it all went down hill. He's aggressive, violent (stabbed the sofa, threatens kids at school, punches holes in the wall)Just plain nuts and i don't trust him. they (theres a fourteen yr old i can get along with)had to move in with us temporarily which is now permanent. i married him knowing he had children BUT they were to live with their mom. now i have a new baby (5 months) and i don't want this crazy teen around him. not to mention he has brought home scabies (their mother is very poor, he traded up with me and i traded wayyyyy down)and he had worms.... acual large like 3 inch worms from poor hygiene. i want him out of my house and away from my son. this is where my marriage goes to hell in a hand basket. i want to protect and provide the best life for my son and my husband sees the older first. he says i make plenty to be on my own (i gross roughly 80,000) and we can get back together when they are grown. So i have to make all the compermising.

JOSIE age 37's picture

I have a wonderful boyfriend of 3 years we dont live together but we spend weekends together and are seriously talking about marriage. After reading all these comments i am really reconsidering. His 10 year old son is great I love him and his 8 yr old daughter used to be sweet but for the last year or so has turned into a whiny, pouty, ruin all the fun, don't like my food, daddy wash my hair and get me a glass of water BRAT! 24/7 I don't even want to go on trips anymore, I used to love our weekend trips but she RUINS it everytime, nothing is EVER good enough for her and she is always comparing what the other kids get to do and have and she whines until she gets the same or better. I believe she acts just like her BM and when she grows up she will never be SATISFIED her boyfriend/husband will NEVER be able to please her she will be DEPRESSED and MISERABlE FOREVER and take anyone down with her that she CAN. I thought it was just a stage but after reading your notes, I realize it will NEVER go AWAY. Thanks for the ENLIGHTENMENT in ND

am_I_the_wife's picture

I have found my place..You all understand and that feels so nice!!

Ugh2's picture

I'm so glad I stumbled upon this site.

I'll get right to it. SD is 10. Parents got divorced about 6 years ago. Her father and I are engaged.

She's a good kid. BUT, is just annoying to be around for many reasons.

She does typical kid stuff that has to be corrected on a daily basis but her father never corrects her. If he does, it's mild and not effective. I don't have kids but it's certainly not how I was disciplined nor how I plan to discipline my kids. I've spoken to him to tell him things I see that need more attention and he says I'm welcome to discipline her.
I don't do it because if I did it my way, she'd think I was mean. He doesn't enforce anything, Her mother doesn't, and neither does his parents. I don't want to be the only one doing this! I'll get crap from everyone- the SD, her Mom, and his parents. He says don't worry about what they think but how can I not?!

Also, she acts really young for her age. Her mother clearly does everything for her and simply doesn't teach her anything.

She's involved in no activities and because of that, she is just annoying and does annoying things every now and then but he just lets her do it. I know a lot of it is for attention but he doesn't respond an it makes me sick! It's not my job to do this and that for her but I know she needs it...I don't mind doing some things but she's got 2 parents for that!

I am trying's picture

This is me too!! SD13 is generally a "good kid", but stares at me all the time, makes me uncomfortable, and is just plain annoying. Attention seeking behaviour...talking like a baby...acting like a baby...

She's involved in all kinds of activities though, but it doesn't change anything. She is socially retarded and can't make friends either at school or at these activities because other people find her off-putting as well. She's weird and creepy and scrawny and hunchy and acts and dresses like an 80 year-old.

alisonL's picture

I also hate my sds. I got on ok with them at first, but due to other people and their mum things have turned sour. I now absolutely despise the pair of them. I never want to see the either of them again. If I do I will just let their dad deal with them both. I love the idea of im just the step parent t-shirts! I cant wait for them to get a life of their own and stay out of mine.

kathleen's picture

I believe parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world. Step-parening even harder. What I am learning from my child at three, when I want to slap the (*&$#*@(*$& out of her, I need to stop myself and try to understand where she is coming from. Tonight, after an exlosive situation where I was wanting to "force" her into a time out, I brought her into the other room, welcomed her into some love and hug and aksed her what she wanted. After an emotional show, I learned what she wanted and I tried to show her how she could behave differently and still get what she wanted by talking, and using her worlds.

Step relationships don't always provide the sae spot to reflect and see beyond. My hope is that as I learn to parent myh daughter, I might learn to parent/love or at least understand and accept my step kids.

kathleen's picture

I believe parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world. Step-parening even harder. What I am learning from my child at three, when I want to slap the (*&$#*@(*$& out of her, I need to stop myself and try to understand where she is coming from. Tonight, after an exlosive situation where I was wanting to "force" her into a time out, I brought her into the other room, welcomed her into some love and hug and aksed her what she wanted. After an emotional show, I learned what she wanted and I tried to show her how she could behave differently and still get what she wanted by talking, and using her worlds.

Step relationships don't always provide the sae spot to reflect and see beyond. My hope is that as I learn to parent myh daughter, I might learn to parent/love or at least understand and accept my step kids.

steve's picture

OMG its not only me then ! im having the same problem my partner has 2 kids and the 4 year girl thinks she rules the roost !she is very sly ! and devious towards my 2 girls of a same age .! but mine are too polite and soft to say anything but she slyly get them into trouble for her own ends
even though she been to a health support worker who tell her mother 4 year olds cant be sly !!!! WHAT..!
Sometime i think im goin mad .! but im glad there are other people out there with same problem

Hang in there guys

morgue2003's picture

i know how you feel i have been with my bf for five years since my sd was four and she has gotten worse. he has just recently started realizing how she treats me and is starting to displine her. but i feel like i am trapped in corner, she is rude to me, every time she does something wrong right away she says it my fault. its gotten to the point where she has even said i was lying about my mom dying and everything (she died in may) she mocks me doesn't listen to me she treats me like dirt saying i am lazy, no good, she hates me, and tells her dad i am being mean i have tried being real nice to her and tried discipling her nothing works, she is only nice when wants something and then she gets worse afterward, the rm hasn't been in the picture since she was a baby. i mean i have had her kick me on numerous occasions, hit me and even throw a phone book at me one time it is getting to point where i cant stand being around her. i mean me and dad have not been together for five years and have not had one date by ourselves. she has also went to school and told them we were on drugs just because we wanted to talk by ourselves for one minute. i mean i have been told to get by blood pressure down.


Warren's picture

My situation sounds familiar. My girlfriend is a single mum with a just turned 5 year old daughter. The father doesn't know the child and has disappeared. Unfortunately the step daughter has been the centre of her mother and grandmother's attention for too long and cant cope without being the centre of attention. The child is spoilt, babied, and accordingly acts like a 3 year old most of the time. The slightest hint of illness and the antibiotics come out - i would think she will be immune to the benefits of antibiotics after so many doses each year. The child is only happy when someone else isn't - she drives her mother mad being a naughty until her mum is screaming and yelling. Then the kid acts all sweet. She loves it when her mum loses it and shouts at me. The kid is in for a reality shock when it gets to school and suddenly has to behave. The child is manipulative and her mum is oblivious.

warren's picture

My advice is to try and ignore your step children as much as possible. Act lovingly and kind to them when you need to for appearances. But know that they suck and that you cant do anything about it, you can choose not to go out of your way for them. The bio parent will be over protective and any criticism of step kids will result in pain for the step parent not the child. try to find more things to do away from the step child(ren), like hobbies and friends where they cant be with you or around. get on with your life and forget them.

MOM OF  7--3 STEP KIDS's picture

OMG!!!!What a great site. I thought I was one of few that felt this way. I am to the point that I hate 2 of my step kidz. I have been their only mother for 4 1/2 years. Their mother died in a car accident about 5 months after my husband and I met. He wasn't 2 of thems bio father, raised them for 10 years. Needless to say. Their mother was a sleeeeezzeeball. Screwed around on both husbands, and every boyfriend she ever had. Was addicted to RX drugs. You name it. She did it. Stole money from my husband by applying for credit cards in his name and maxing them out. if she hadn't have died, she was going to jail. ENOUGH about her. I have a 18 y.o sd that has been diagnosed with BIPOLAR. That in itself is enough to get a sane person crazy. But, I can deal with her. She realizes that have been a better mother in 4 years then her own Bio mom could have been in 50. The other two. The boy is 12, he was a product of an affair. My husband and I adopted him after his mom died, or he would have been placed in foster care. He will end up in prison. He is wonderfully intelligent and stupid at the same time. Does great in school, Very smart and witty when he wants, but then gives you the cold chills cause of his evilness. He won't listen to the simplest things, he destroys things, I bought him a pair of $90 shoes he wanted and the next week they were torn up. TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT with him. He has seen Psychiatrist, therapist, been in a residential tx facility for anger issues and nothing. Therapists have FIRED us, because they cannot make any progress. So, now, finally after almost four years. Someone on his BIO moms side has decided they can raise him better. HAVE AT IT. THEIR HOUSE HAS NO STRUCTURE> They play video games all day and night, have no supervision in the home during the summer. Let him burn their house down, like he tried to do to mine. NOW, since he went to stay with his uncle, I realize how bad his sister is. She will be 10. She, like him is very intelligent. ACTS like she is 3. She has been with me for 4 1/2 years. We have structure, rules, ect. Why am I reminding a 10 y.o. to brush her teeth every day. reminding her to bathe, she stinks alot because she is toooo lazy to bath or clean herself. I have a bio daughter that is a year and a half older and acts her age. This SD lies, she steals every chance she gets. She also has been to therapy to talk about her mom and I don't think it ahs anything to do with that. NOW. I didn't not break them up. Her mom left my husban d and had a boyfriend move in before they were divorced. My husband and I discipline her. She continues day after day. I am at my wits ends. There are many days I wish it was only my Bio children. I have a 17 year old son that has a job, gets good grades and has never been in trouble at school or with stupid boystuff. My 11 1/2 year old daughter and my husband and I have 9 mo old twins. My kids aren't perfect, but........DAMN close when you compare them to the SK's IT's not as though I just came in their lives I have been around since ages 5 and 8. THANKS FOR LETTING ME VENT......MIGHT HAVE JUST SAVED ME FROM HAVING TO BE PUT ON MEDICINE. LOL

Ilovemylittleman's picture

Let me start by saying thank God other people know how I am feeling! My fiance has a 4yr old daughter that acts like she is 2 most of the time but then she can pull a 360 and act like she is 20. She drives me nuts!Me and my fiance just had our first baby, our son and she is up his butt all the time. When he eats she is in his face and I have told her a million times to back off. She whines all the time "Dada I need you"... when he is right next to her.She is attached to his hip 24/7 and I wanna scream! She still needs help to go to the bathroom and wipe her own butt. Its horrible how she seems to not be able to do anything with out Daddys help. Oh and it has to be Daddy no one else will do.She gets babied by everyone on his side of the family including him.Her Grandmother still holds her like a baby and gives her a @$%#*&^ bottle!She is 4 the bottle needs to stop!She will not sleep in her own bed and whines but "I wanna sleep with you Dada"... I ve told my fiance that I will not have a child sleep in my bed! I will be darned if a child that isnt even mine sleeps in my bed if my own children will not.When she does fall asleep and he puts her in her own bed she wakes up @ 4am screaming crying.So uncalled for. Of course he doesnt hear her and she wakes me up all the time! I let her cry awhile then wake him up to have him put her back to sleep. But he brings he up to our room and she sleeps on the floor.She has like zero manners no please, thank you and your welcomes come from her.I try to get her to but when i am the only one doing it its gonna take forever.She eats with her hands and wipes them on her clothes.Her mother should be ashamed of how her little girl acts like a pig!She pulls her dresses up all the time and is always grabing her private parts.Also we have her every stinkin weekend! We should have her every other and a couple day a week. I just hate when she comes over cause I know I am gonna have to scream @ her for doing something wrong. And me and my fiance are gonna fight and arguee. Also she will not clean up her mess she makes so my house get so stinkin messy when she comes over.And we all know who ends up cleaning it up? Me cause her father doesnt do it! She drives me NUTS! Oh and she doesnt listen to her father or any adult for that matter. She has told him no and rolled her eyes plenty of times and he doesnt even punish her or smack her butt.When she rolles her eyes @ me I just wanna scream @ her and put her in her room for like an hour. If I ever told my mother or any adult NO when I was 4 my mom would of beat my behind.I thank God every day that I am not her mother! I would never raise a child that way... I am embarrassed of her and the way she acts and dont wanna do things as a family with her,my son and fiance.Also because she needs so much attention form her father all the time. So when we do go out together he cant even hold my hand cause she is up his butt.One last thing he has her every day he has off... so we never get time together cause we work horrible shifts. And he never gets time with his son... you know Daddy and son time.I dread for when my son gets older cause his daughter is gonna hog him all the time and my son is never gonna get time with him cause he has his daughter every day he has off.He works crazy hours so when he doesnt have her he will be sleeping or working and not spending time with his son.I really would like a shirt that says " I am only the Stepmom...or I am not her mother".

Discontent's picture

I have an 18 year old step-daughter whom I suspect is trying to set her mom up with her dad, my husband. She recently had a baby out of wedlock and when he came to visit her and the baby, she invited her mom over for breakfast. Seems like she was trying to set up this get-together---my husband can't get to see her much and for her to invite her mom over at the same time seems very fishy. Especially since she knows they don't really get along that well. Doesn't she know that her parents have been divorced for a long time (over 12 years) and that there's not hope for reconciliation since he has remarried me and we are expecting our first son together??? She hasn't even emailed a congratulations when I sent her ultrasound pics of her step-brother. Oh well---I guess life isn't perfect. I don't intend on doing anything for her anymore...trying to have a relationship with her is NOT an option anymore. C'est la vie!!!

Kitn76's picture

So........I just googled "Can't stand my step daughter", and found this page. I posted the original "rant" exactly a year ago, and FYI for all reading, I STILL feel the same way. My husband had been wanting me to "Try to make things work" she was here this weekend, and I tried. I mean, I REALLY tried. I even woke up this morning in a completely different mind set than I usually do when she's here. To NO avail. She was coughing, so I gave her some medicine. She took the medicine, and then turned and walked away. I called her name, knelt down to her level and very calmly said, "Do you respect your mommy?" She says yes. I said, "Do you respect your daddy?" She says yes. So I say, "Then you need to have some respect for me. I just gave you medicine to help you with your cough, what do you think you should say?" (I CAN'T STAND RUDE KIDS!) So, she half heartedly says "Thank you", and goes into her room. 2 minutes later, my youngest comes into the bathroom to inform me that the SD is crying. "Oh Lord!" I think, "For WHAT?"...however I am not nearly as surprised as one would think I would be because this is what she I go into her room to find out WHY she is crying, and she says, "I want my mommy". And I say, "Well, I'm sorry, but your mommy is not here. This is your father's weekend with you, and why are you crying?" So she looks at me, and in a guttural "satanic" 5 year old whine yells, "I DON'T LIKE YOU!!!" Fine. SO, I call her father upstairs. He talks to her, and at this point, I'm heading to the shower. My give a d@mn's busted, as they say. My 2 kids are SO confused. I'm just apathetic. I swear to you people, it's been over 365 days since my last post, and I STILL cannot stand her. My husband and I NEVER fight, EXCEPT when she is brought up. She will be the ruin of this marriage, and right now, I'd just be grateful for the chance to not have to worry about her next visit. She literally makes me feel ill (kind of the same feeling you get when you are completely sick of your job, and start submitting resumes) I mean, PLEASE let her mother move to the other side of the country with sole legal and physical custody. I wouldn't mind that in the slightest. And reading all of your responses is so refreshing. There are venting websites out there, and people will jump all over you because "How dare you feel that way about a child". Yeah, tough. I've heard it all, and I live it. I CAN'T STAND HER. It's not going to get better, even though my husband seems to be living in some sort of Brady Bunch dream land....I'm "the bad one". I need to do this, and I need to do that. No...I don't need to do a darn thing. His latest excuse for her behavior is that she's "scared of me". There is no reason for her to be scared of me other than I'm the ONLY one in her life that won't stand for her manipulation and baby-esque behavior.

oct4bride's picture

I am so glad that i have come across this site, after many years of searching. I can't stand my now 10yr old step daughter, never have and doubt i ever will. My story is pretty much the same as you all but mine also has the spiteful ex-wife. My husband just does not know how to put his foot down, he is the non-confrontational type. So it just boils me up that he just not send him ex to hell along with his daughter. I just recently got married and feel like i should have gotten out of the relationship when i still had a chance. However, i love this man he is a good man but he needs to grow some bigger b*lls and put both of them in their place!

AnonymousMadSM's picture

It doesn't get any better, they just get more rebellious, more jealous, more deceitful, more disrespectful and if the BD allows it when they are young, he will look past it, more so in the future. SD still steals my things and BD can't imagine SD does that. He believes her over me even when I can prove my case. Be prepared....I'm just waiting until SD goes to college....relief is in sight.

Georgie Girl's picture

I got along with sd much better in the beginning than I do now.I could have written your post. Dh is absolutely blind when it comes ot her. It drives me crazy. I now have a lock on my closet door so that my Things don't keep walking away.

Julie Arbogast's picture

Wow!!! I thought my stepdaughter was horrible until I read about everyone elses step children! My stepdaughter is 3 and she is great when it is just her and I. She is my perfect little angel, but as soon as daddy, grandpa, or nana are seen, heard, or even mentioned she does a complete 180 and BOOM!!! It's all whining and crying from there. It drives me completely insane! I feel like I'm the only one who punishes her when she is naughty. I don't even spank! It's just a time out for a few minutes.Daddy was taking care of her by his self with the help of his parents until I moved in. Daddy helps out but he gets so frustrated too easily. As soon as the crying gets out of hand he gives up! I usually put her in her room and let her cry it out. It doesn't take that long, but if daddy, grandpa, or nana are around it goes on and on! What's worse is that grandpa and nana live right across the street and as soon as she see's there house or hears them she wants to go over there and she cries to get what she wants and all 3 of them give in to her! It really pisses me off because she is gonna be worse when she gets older. No one listens to me about it. Grandpa's excuse is she is only a kid once and he still feeds her during dinner!I know she is technically not my kid but I have to help take care of her everyday. It hurts the most that when the other 3 are around she wants nothing to do with me. She wont even give me a hug or kiss. One time she told me I was mean because I scolded her for giving me an attitude. I didn't yell I just told her it wasn't acceptable and that she needs to talk with respect and be nice. Her grandfather gives me crap all the time too about everything I do and he does it right in front of my stepdaughter. Most of the time it's because I'm tired in the morning! I work 3 jobs and I go to school and I play stepmommy! What more do they need from me! My boyfriend works all the time too so it doesn't help that my stepdaughter spends a few days a week with her grandparents. I wish I were rich so that I could stay home and raise her right! Ahhhh! I'm so frustrated! If anyone is wondering we do have residential custody and my stepdaughter see's her mother every other weekend. And she (the mother of course) is pregnant once again! She couldn't even take care of the first one! WTF!

Feeling Guilty's picture

I'm new to this site too and am looking for a place to vent. I too have a hard time 'bonding' with and 'accepting' unconditionally my 10 1/2 year old stepdaughter. My natural daughters from my first marraige are adults now 25 and 28, so having a kid around again is very hard. I'm so past all this stuff. I more or less knew what I was getting into when I married my 2nd husband..except back then , his ex was being very spiteful and dragged him through court for over a year to get access to his daughter. Ended up costing us quite a bit of money just because of this woman's spiteful ways. She lost, and he has his daughter every other weekend and one night a week. Now she seems to want us to take her alot and I'm annoyed by it. The child is extremely hyper and doesn't act her age at all. I feel irritated often when she's around and I feel guilty about that. My husband senses somethings not right, because he has accused me of "not trying" or that I dont seem to want to do things with her. I don't. I just can't help it. I work full time and by the weekend I am ready for some quiet and down time..when his daughter is here, I don't get that. Seems all I do is clean up after her. He says.."she's just a kid"..true, but I did raise two of my own and they were nothing like this. They can be taught to pick up after themselves or even make their own beds.. she won't. She has to be told constantly. We go into stores and she acts up and bugs for things. Anyways...before this goes on too long, I just needed to vent here as well. My marriage is suffering too because of this. I feel alot of resentment towards "Daddy's little Princess who can do no wrong"... We've gotten into fights often and I'm even considering getting out of the's only been 2 years. My first lasted over 25 years..
Hopefully this site and the postings can help me..

Sylvia's picture

I too just started seeing someone who has a two year old child. I'm 38, and don't have kids of my own nor have I ever wanted them.
He's 35 and just has the one daughter who he sees every wednesday and every other weekend. So this is all new to me. For the most part I spend time doing my own thing when he has her (like going shopping which I prefer to do alone, or visit a friend or go to a movie). He lives in a small apartment and they watch her cartoon movies over and over and over all day which makes it extremely boring for me. He knew how I felt about kids before he pursued me but I guess is hoping i'll change.
So far the kid is great, except my boyfriend and I are not allowed to hold hands without her getting upset, so this makes me resentful and she's very demanding of his time and has to share a bed with us at night. So I prefer to stay in my own place since she tosses and turns and gets up and it effects my sleep.
He wants me to spend all my time with them. I don't. I am about ready to give up, I don't want him to spend less time with her I'm all for them bonding..but I just would rather spend SOME time with them and then the rest by myself. I have no idea what to do, its all new to me..I don't know if it'll get better or worse..its hard to say...

Fed up StepMom's picture

Hi - this is the first time I have ever written on one of these sites- I was beginning to feel like there I was truly the evil step mother from hell. I am in a 3 yr relationship and my man has a 9 yr old little girl. To begin with we got on well. I even started to feel a bond with her. Unfortunately though over time that bond has well and truly gone and I now resent her and the time she spends with us. In fairness to her, I do think her dad and I are partly to blame. I have never had to share a partner with someone and I'm used to having their love and attention. He likewise has been used to devoting all his attention on her and spoiling her, particularly when his marriage was failing and he didn't want to spend time with his wife so spoilt his little princess rotten! Having got step families and parents of my own, I have tried to be really good to her - we do things she wants together, I really have done everything I can think of for her and have tried to develop a bond! The problem is - she takes. takes and takes - all is fine but then she wants her dad....and it goes sour and the subtle games begin. She is very subtle but plays the helpless child routine and twists him round her finger. She at the age of 9 can't go to bed without hours of his time so it ends up with the evenings being over. She plays at being sick, is laughing and playing one moment but when he walks in the house tears well up and she needs only him. She asks him if he loves me more than her (in front of me), and they both just make me feel like I am a spare part. In addition, if ever a parentla issue comes up "he's dealing with it" but doesn't - and she looks as smug as can be - I know she likes it when we are at odds, because she wins. I have tried raising it with him but he never sees that she is ever to blame and I just get labeled as the bad guy! His family think she is a poor little thing too. I'm at my wits end and don't know if I can cope with years of this - I know she'll move on one day but the pretence of having to like her that long is really seeming a difficult task.

can&#039;t stand my stepkids! help's picture

What a great site to vent! I am in love with my fiance whom had 3 children from a previous marriage 7 year old girl, 4 year old boy and 2 year old boy. I have a 10 year old boy and 7 year old boy. We have a 11 month old son together. I love my fiance very much and we have been together for 2 years. I have gotten to the point that I can't stand his children especially his daughter. His ex is causing many problems and takes more than half of his monthly salary. He is always talking about how his daughter needs her own room because she is the "only girl". Well boohoo! I don't give a crap. They only come every other weekend. He brings less than 1000 in per month and i make the majority of the money!!! I can't do anything for my children and he has no relationship with them. I have to secretly do stuff for my kids on the side because he gets mad if I buy them a box of snackcakes! It's ridiculous! I wasn't like this towards his kids at first but it's just gotten worse! I know I sound jealous but I'm tired of my children and our son together suffering! His ex's family is loaded and buys them everything they want. His daughter is an overweight couch potato that just wants to be waited on hand and feet by me and my fiance. I love him so much but I don't know if I can handle this much longer. From what I've read, it sounds like it just gets worse. Ugh!!! I just should have never fell for a man with children especially 3 of them! I'm so sick of hearing "but she's the only girl"! That doesn't make the little brat anymore special than anyone else!!!!

doglover1's picture

makes me smile every day. I dont post much to often (and probably should), but do enjoy the writings of crayon. You should write a book, you are very funny. On a serious note, I can relate to all that is said. My skids are SD8 and SS13. SS13 is just about as good as a kid and you can get. SD8 on the other hand in high maintenance. She requires alot of attention from DH. It has gotten better as she is getting older. I know thats hard to believe, but its true. Still its difficult at times..Mostly I cant stand to hear "wheres Dad". That statement makes me wanna puke!!! I just wanna say if he was up your butt you'd know where he is!!..but i don't.

Laurie Dee's picture

Wow, my life sucks too right now. My step daughter and her mother do shit to try to break up my fiance and I. He is a big teddy bear push over so he cant see clearly as to the true manipulator his daughter is until recently when he mother turned us into child protective accusing me of pinching this brat on the kneecap. please if anything i would not pinch a knee cap. utterdly ridiculous. the ex is pathetic always calling the cops on us and making up shit. she cannot get over this man. she screwed up and I am thankful but its not my fault since they were apart for four years before I came along. I cannot stand this kid and she is at my house every other week. we had a good relationship until she went aloing with her mom and lied that I pinched her. I am happy to know other people have this life too but do we really deserve to be stressed out by these brats? NO!! This girl hits her own mom and shit but would never even think of hitting me. I would flip out and she is aware trust me. I do not condone any disrespect of parents no matter what. That's your parent and thats that. I hate (very strong word) her mother and I still tell the kid to respect the loser but I am at the end of my rope. almost two years of family court. give me money, give me alimony, give me give me and she loses everytime. she makes up lies and says I email her threats etc but cannot provide the emails to the cops. she is pathetic. I am only glad to say that I am happy not to be her. She lost the best thing she ever had in her life and I HAVE HIM!! Ha Ha. She must be exhausted by consuming her life with worrying about me. Sad, very sad. I told him this morning I don't know how I can live the next 8 to 10 years every other week with this girl. I go out as much as possible too, uncomfortable in my own home and can't stand being around her. Any advice. And I am in counseling.

disgusted's picture

Yep, sounds like the step brat from hell..She was four when we got together and she is 12 now...When she was four she couldn't talk with out whinning and always had a whinny look on her face. It was like a constant Im gonna cry or throw a fit if I don't get my way. Oh and heaven forbid the "Golden Child" should cry...DH and his entire family would practically bust an ankle and stumble all over themselves rushing to cater to her if she even acted like she was going to cry...It was nauseating to see this four year old little tyrannt run adults with the firm grip of Hilter at the heighth of his power.

His entire family hates my guts and has for the past 9 years because I actually had the nerve to tell the Golden Child "no"... I also didn't drop every thing I was doing and rush to cater to her every whim every time she whinned, cried, or had a tantrum...Gasp!! If she whinned to everyone else (DH and his gene pool) and they wanted to fall all over themselves like fools that was their business..However, when she addressed me I wouldn't pay any attention to her unless she stopped whinning and spoke normally. I would just tell her, "Gosh, I can't hear you when your whinning"... Amazingly I was the only one she didn't whine at..Think Dh and his gene pool got it???? Nope....

I don't think your SD is special needs or has any defect other then parents who spoil and baby her...

In a perfect world their would be retroactive abortion capabilities. ~ disgusted

helpme's picture

omg these posts are wonderful. It would br good to get some advice. I love my bf to death. I don't think I could get treated any better. The problem is his son 13 I can't stad him. I HATE saying that but I can't help it. I have a 9yr daughter and he also has a 15yr daughter that I have no issues with. His son is so disrespectful. Not verbally but he takes things that don't belong to him, he destroys everything, he messy, he's a troublemaker in school. That's just naming a few. I can't even be in the same room as him. The worst part he lives with us.(yeah I know)he only sees him mom once or twice a month. The worst part if he don't want to go with his mom when she wants to take him for the weekend my bf doesn't make him go so I don't even get a break from him. I talked to my bf about this he said he would talk to him but I said no cause he will get me back somehow like: pissing on my car(which he has done), hurt my dog, pick on my 9 yr old(which she thinks the world of him). I have been living with my bf for 8months and I don't know how much longer I'm going to make it. I keep telling myself they will be out someday but I can't get pass it today. I try so hard and just when things are ok he does something and I feel the hate towards him. I'm afraid that this is going to push me away from my bf and I don't want that to happen.

leslie999's picture

Im glad I found thsi site beacuse I thought I was the only one with all these feelings. My boyfriend has a 9 month baby and I just can't stand the fact that his kid comes from another relationship. For some reason I feel that I can't accept his kid at all and I do tried my best to like her and be nice but I CAN'T. I need some advice to see how can I assimiliate this situation or how can be easier for me to accept her. I know that sh ewill be part of him the rest of his life but I don't know if I can deal wit that situation. Please someone ha sto tell me some wisdom words.