Quick summary - me and DH got married quickly after meeting (6 months). He is the absolute love of my life. I have two dc, the girl 15 and the boy 13. He has a boy 7. Before we got married the dynamics we're experiencing now we're non existent and we're both struggling and the dc are struggling. My dc have sporadic contact with their dad but usually stay with my nan Saturday nights pre lockdown. I can also get away for short adult only holidays. Dss is 40/60 contact and apart from one night he's here every other night.

DH ex is toxic and it seems to me that her and DH have gotten into a battle of who is the best parent. DH is terrified that his DS will grow up not liking him and believing his mothers poison about him. I really feel for him and dss. There's been issues where she's screamed at me for sitting in the front seat of DHs car (as that's her kings seat) and tells dss things like "I'm worried you will love them more than me/I'm so lonely when you're not here". This is all very confusing for poor dss and he's gone from happy and secure before marriage to insecure and unhappy post marriage. He's a bit rude to me and because of his insecurities wishes I wasn't here and that he could have his dad to himself again. He also manipulates DH imo although DH would and has become defensive when I've pointed that out. 

My dd is actually the perfect teenager, genuinely she's great and is one of those rare kids who has always been well behaved and mature. Ds is a stereotypical 13 Yr old boy although he does listen, is kind and polite. He's a wind up merchant though...

So basically our dynamic is going wrong where the two boys either get along or they REALLY DON'T. Dss ends up crying even if he started it and my ds bares the brunt being older so should walk away. Dh thinks ds shouldn't get down to a seven yr old level and should say shut-up you're 7 when dss makes jokes that aren't actually jokes/starts bickering blabla and when I want to be like stop bickering and go in seperate rooms DH feels its unfair as they're currently sharing whilst loft is being done and feels his son will be excluded (even when I've said I'll yank my boy out). We've gotten to polarised views on whats ok and instead of being a team we're fighting about our kids fighting about minecraft and who pointed an arrow at who ARGH.

Also to consider, dh is understandably feeling guilty about his dss being unhappy. He feels I should be more consistent whilst understanding that he can't be consistent. I feel like we're becoming a two tieres household where as long as his sons alright my dc don't matter. He's told me his priority is his ds right now and I should understand because I'm the grown up. I feel we should prioritise our marriage, create plenty of one on one time with our respective dc and stick with the rules we've put down even if he's on his way to drop his son back home. He feels because my dc are here mostly full time I don't understand (which I don't). I feel all of our dc would suffer if we divorced over this two tier family system thats slowly coming in and we need to nurture our marriage and be a fun but consistent home for all the dc. He also asks his ds for permission for me to sit in the front seat/pick me up in an emergency ect. He says its not asking its gently telling but it irritates the life out of me. Am I being unreasonable about this?

How can we communicate better about this? All we've been doing is arguing lately and I just want my husband back being my husband and not my enemy again.