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Can this actually work?

Anna2's picture

My fiance and I live together with my biological 6 year old daughter and his 5 year old daughter. His daughter (and he would agree) misbehaves a lot and is just plain mean (spits at kids at school etc.). The situation has become one of the only things we fight about but when she is here (50/50) she takes all the attention of the house (negative or positive). As much as I love him it scares me that this will one day tear us apart. Does anyone ever make this work as I am fairly new to the step parenting thing? Sounds like a lot of people feel like they never should have gotten married to begin with. Please help. I really want to believe we can get through this and be as happy as we have been together.

quippers01's picture

We wanted another kid together but after watching more with his kid I have reached the same conclusion as you. I have also taken blender's approach. He does his thing and I do mine.

violetforest's picture

I agree, we have 6 children total and we both agree on parenting style and how we run the household. EVEN with this ss13 has been a struggle for the past 3 years since bm began to take visitation with only him instead of both of her boys. All of our other children are doing very well at home, school and in the community. Each works and volunteers around town. The youngest is just beginning to mow yards and such. But ss13 now lives with bm, she is in contempt always, makes no difference going to court, each time we go there is a new threat and accusation. This has been the biggest challenge for us. We have no relationship with the Inlaws because of ss13's accusations. We have proven in court and the judge agrees that they and bm have presented false information and told lies to limit periods of visition because the Inlaws can not be charged with contempt and bm turns over ss13 to them during periods of transition so that when they don't show up they just claim that they missunderstood or that ss13 didn't want to come.

Such a joke. He is disrespectful, swears and calls names all the time something none of our other children do.

So my point is stop it now when she is young, get on the same page or you really will be in for a ride that you don't want.

I don't believe that their should be different rules for children within the home no matter how much time they spend with you. There should be the same expectations and limits for all of the children based on thier age.

goodluck

Rags's picture

Sure it can work and work very well for that matter.

The key(s) IMHO are ....

1. The marriage/adult relationship comes first. Before the kids whether they are yours, mine or ours.

2. There are houshold rules that all the kids must adhere to with age appropriate consequences for non compliance.

3. The adults have each other's backs when disciplining the kids. Talk about it first so you go in to it with a united front. If you hit a point where you disagree hit pause, stick the kid's nose in the corner then the two of you go to your room and come to agreement then return to the joint beating (figuratively of course) of the kid(s).

4. If you can't come to an agreement on a particular kid related issue ..... be able to say or hear the message "If you don't like how I am dealing with/disciplining the kid, then you better get it taken care of before I have to". THEN ACT ON IT!!!! Failing to act on your partner's frustration over a kids behavior violates #1. You don't have to deal with it the way your partner wants you to deal with it, but you MUST deal with it.

And most importantly.

5. Enjoy your marriage and your family and have a sense of humor when the (S)kid(s) shove their heads up their asses.

After all every kid does periodially, just like we all did when we were kids.

IMHO of course.

Best regards,

Persephone's picture

Compromising is overrated and almost always lopsided. If it's going to work you have to collaborate. HUGE difference.

hismineandours's picture

Well dh and I have been together for 10 years. We are a his, mine, and ours. We've had full custody of his ss, he's had two deployments to Iraq and we are still chugging along. Not to say it isnt extremely hard at times, and there was a point in which I thought it was the end a few years ago-the only reason I stayed is because he was getting ready to go to Iraq-things are OK now-not great, nor horrible, but ok. By the way, the one child we NEVER argue about is the ours-she is 8 and a real stinker, but we never seem to disagree on how to handle her.

LjCulater's picture

If you aren't already married DON'T DO IT!! Even though your fiance is receptive to the SD's behavior problems they only get worse the older they get. If I had it to do over I would have never married my DH. You can already tell that it may tear you apart listen to your instincts.
Also you didn't mention a bio-mom, she will also cause drama in the future even if you get along now. If I were you I'd keep the realtionship unmarried and when you've had enough, and you will, you can pack up your kid and go without a divorce.

quippers01's picture

Blunt, honest, and right to the point...I like it. I don't think I would marry my husband again if I had it to over. I really can't see things getting anywhere but worse.