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Can’t talk to my husband about anything, feel really isolated

Belladonnawest's picture

Hi,

 

bew to this forum as feeling rather desperate and don’t know who to turn to.

My husband has two children (13yo son and 11yo daughter) from a previous marriage and their mother was completely unfit for many many reasons, he got full custody of his kids and then she died. They were divorced when his daughter was nine months old and she died when she was 7. This all happened four years before we were married.

I fell pregnant with our first born and we got married rather quickly (within a year) and I love him dearly. My baby boy is currently 5 months old.

if I had have known how hard it was to be a step parent, even though I love my husband and son more than life itself-I would have never, ever got married. It’s strange to say this as I have a very good relationship with my sd.

but nothing, absolutely nothing is mine. Before we were married her jealously would get in the way of our affection. My wedding day was tainted by crying and tears. My husband made my feel completely rejected during my first child birth as all he wanted to do was go home to make sure his daughter was okay. She stayed off school so much when he was a newborn hat I barely got to spend time with him. I had to share all our bonding time with making sure she was okay with a new brother. I hear about their mum every single f***ing day in one way or another and I’m expected to go to her grave soon, but I’d rather chew f****ing glass.

my husband misunderstands everything and although we rarely argue, they’re always heeated when we do. For example, I didn’t want his daughter to come to my antenatal appointments. As a young new mother, I wanted something sacred to be about me and us. I told him this as I wasn’t willing to compromise and he accused me of trying to come between him and his daughter which is never ever do.

today I snapped, inside at least because I’d never want to hurt my sd by letting her know how I truly feel, as she’s a child who lost her mother.

we were having an innocent conversation and something stupid and reckless I did in my past came up which I embarrassingly tried to minimise and move in. But my husband barged in either, “your mum did this and you should be proud as she had some balls”. First of all, thrill seeking behaviour doesn’t mean you have balls, standing up to responsibilities does, especially ones you don’t want. Second of all, how dare he compare us like that. I have been there for his kids when I didn’t want to be, when I was still maturing myself, putting these strangers before me , sacrificing so much of my own life and time with my own child and he has he audacity to say that shows ‘balls’?! 

Ijist need someone to talk to. I wish it could be him but he’ll start shouting and his daughter will hear and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I always come last, always. I’ll never know what it’s like to be a new wife or new mother or have my own family. I’m always compared to someone quite frankly I look down on and I know for certain she would have f***ed up her kids more if she hadn’t have died (she lived a bad lifestyle).

i just wish I knew what it would be like. If parenting is a thankless task, step parenting is a thankless task you’ll also get shit on for.

tog redux's picture

Well, it sounds like you got pregnant and married before you really had an understanding of how things would go as a stepparent with your own biological child.  You didn't even have time to get to know the kids.

Honestly, SD doesn't sound that bad, just that she's there and DH pays attention to her - and the paragraph about you "having balls" totally lost me, but it seemed like DH was trying to compliment you?

I'd suggest marriage counseling, but honestly, it just seems like this was an ill-advised, hasty marriage. Maybe counseling can help you decide if it can be saved.

ITB2012's picture

I think what she meant was that she and BM had done the same thing. While she was embarassed about it and explaining how it wasn't a good idea, her DH chimed in that it took balls for BM to do it (but not her).

The post is a bit scattered but suddenly finding people who may understand, you start to spew a bit fast. 

Ms_Patricia's picture

I can understand what you’re going through. My situation now is better, but not perfect of course. Blending families is difficult. Especially when you have a child of your own, you begin to realize that a mothers love is not the same as accepting someone else’s child as your own. My husband has accused me of treating SD different when we were newlyweds. However I don’t think it’s fair to expect a stepparent to automatically have a bond with the spouse’s child after marriage. It takes time to figure out what works for the family. 

I agree that counseling (marriage or individual) can provide you with some guidance in this situation.

ITB2012's picture

I cannot talk to DH about the skids unless it's 100% positive. And my son has to abide by all rules but his kids get a pass most of the time.

And, nothing is mine. My stuff has been touched, taken, and snooped in without repercussion. My closet has a lock and is basically a storage locker for my life. I stopped years ago telling DH about things I'd like to do or get because whatever it was invariably was taken over in his mind as something for the skids. 

I also cannot talk about anything having to just do with me. Either he doesn't listen and has no idea later what I've said, or he doesn't pay attention enough during the "conversation" and gets wound up that I'm accusing him of something and it's not the case at all. 

He will also jump to do things for or with the skids but if I ask or need him to do something it gets ignored or there's a reason he cannot do it.

SteppedOut's picture

Why do you stay in a relationship like this??

I suffered the same and horrible treatment from skids. 

I left and I have NEVER regretted it.

It's good to try and save your relationship, but at a certain point you have to realize there no changing it - this IS your relationship and it always will be. 

At that point you that you KNOW it wil never get better.... make it better for yourself! 

inlovewithmikedes's picture

Your situation is like what happens in a first marriage. The first pregnancy is special marked by general excitement, prenatal pictures, hubby running out for ice cream etc. Second and especially 5th babies (I have 5 from my first marriage) are different. They aren't as shiny and it is more about helping your whole family adjust to the new baby than about you. You have to share your pregnancy/baby with the whole family and juggle the new and older kids at the same time. It is about working the baby into the existing schedule and even mere survival in the beginning. I know this not only by experience but also because I have been a midwife for the past 20 years.

The only difference in your situation is that you got ripped off by not experiencing the 1st baby. You jumped right over into second baby reality because you married a man with a child. 

I would learn to accept life as it. It may not be perfect but things rarely are. Even if you had experienced the special first pregnancy, your other pregnancies would not be as shiny or new. It could always be worse. Try to focus on the good things like the fact that you have been blessed with a BIO child (a privilege many women do not have) or that your SD is a relatively good kid or that the BM isn't in the picture making your life miserable. You can make this BIO child special for you. Privately celebrate or commemorate special milestones in a way that is meaningful to you and your child. You don't need you DH to help you make your first baby special.

SteppedOut's picture

Why do YOU have to go to their mother's grave?? If you do not want to go, you shouldn't have to. She was/is not part of you or your baby's family. 

shamds's picture

Hubby and i am brutal and sarcastic because its the only way hubby is so embarassed by their patheticness that he starts taking action to address it. The 2 sd 23 & 14 non stop talk about bio mum and sd non stop when out with us and hubby suggested bringing them for our 4th wedding anniversary.

anybody here wanna enjoy a wedding anniversary away, with all your skids talking about bio mum and stepdad, if not they’re completely ignoring and dismissing you or in awkward silence? Yeah no one wants to enjoy that shit so i refuse to attend any family  events the sd wil be at since my husband refuses to address it.

the next time hubby stupidly tries to coax me in “quality family time with skids”, i will ask him “will you tell the girls that their mum and sdad is not our family and that when they’re with us, we don’t want any mention of them as we do not care about their lives one bit?” Pretty sure its of course not because hubby doesn’t wanna piss of exwife but he should be more afraid of pissing off current wife.

the way the skids go on and on about bio mum is they’re making her relevant in our lives when she doesn’t need to be and them mentioning and reporting about her daily life in front of us is noise pollution

Curious Georgetta's picture

this man without really knowing  him. You cannot blame him for that. You both decided to be sexually active. This was not some fairy tale relationship from which you had a reason to expect a fairy tale ending.

You are 2 people  trying to make the best of a situation that resulted in your decision to marry.

You are only just really getting to know each other. Normally that process takes place before the wedding.

Give all of the involved parties time to adjust. Things may work out well over time or you may discover that he is not the spouse for you.

In either case, he should be a good and proper parent to his child.

You sound young. Try to get some professional help.

 

MorganJones's picture

OP, Curious Georgetta is not a step mom, she is a BM with resentments towards Step Mothers and her statements have extreme bias against them. Her advice tends to uniquely place blame on the step mother because she lacks the ability to relate to the unique situation we find ourselves in.  She seems to gain particular gratification from targeting new step moms and first time posters. Perhaps in the future she will be in our situation and can adjust her perspective accordingly. Until then, take what she advises you with a grain of salt and certainly not personally.