Can´t seem to accept stepson
I feel like a terrible person! I am pregnant with my first baby and am married to the love of my life, things should be great and I should be happy and grateful, I know this. My husband has a 2 year old stepson from a previous relationship. His mother is difficult, but nothing extraodinary. My main problem is with my stepson, I don´t want anything to do with him. Before my pregnancy there were problems with visitation and BM so I never really spent more than a few hours at a time with SS. I never warmed up to him or had any really interest in him, but figured this would change once we shared custody. It hasn´t.
After I became pregnant we started having SS on a regular basis and in general things are going smoothly, so whats my problem??? I hate feeling this way but I just don´t want SS around at all. I feel physically ill when I see him and hate the fact that he´s my SS. He´s a very typical toddler, actually very easy going, and I know my husband loves him so much. My husband has noticed that I avoid being with SS and is starting to ask questions. I don´t want to tell him the truth about how I feel and I´m scared I won´t be able to change.
I´m really hoping this is due to crazy pregnancy hormones and once I settle in as a new mother I´ll warm up to SS. It doesn´t bother me when my husband is with him (as it shouldn´t) but I don´t want to be anywhere near him or have him anywhere near my child. When I look at him I can´t muster up one good feeling, and god knows I´ve tried.
It´s so hard knowing that I´m being irrational, knowing what´s right, know that SS is a little boy and didn´t choose any of this, yet not being able to take those rational thoughts and turn them into a rational feeling! I feel like I´m trapped, I can´t tell my hushand any of this because I know how much it would crush him.
Any other pregnant stepmoms with similar feelings? What do you do to combat these crazy emotions?
I want to at least be able to look at my stepson like he´s a human being and accept him as part of my life. I´ve never hated anyone before in my life, nevermind a 2 year old child!
I´m a terrible person and some days I think of leaving my husband just so I never have to see his kid again... help me!
alschneider - I don´t know
alschneider - I don´t know what I would do if SS physically or emotionally hurt my daughter! I know I actually have a relatively stress free stepkid situation, which is why it baffles me that I can resent him like this! I´m generally not a jealous person and don´t mind his ex, we´ll never be friends, but she´s alright. I´m actually more jealous for my daughter! I want her to be everything to my husband, rather than equal to anyone, which again I know is crazy! How do you handle removing yourself from your stepsons without straining your marital relationship??
First off, you're not a
First off, you're not a horrible person.
Perhaps you could consider getting SS involved in the pregnancy? Do small things like find a book for a toddler about being a big brother. Maybe you could get SS a present from your unborn child and have him pick out a present for his new sibling, and you could help them exchange gifts the first time they meet. Maybe you could compromise with DH, i.e. promise to read to SS once during ever visit and play with him once in an effort to bond with him?
Encourage DH to still carve out one-on-one time with SS when he's visiting after the baby is born, i.e. while the baby is napping, they could play a few games. That way he can bond with his son and you can relax for a little bit.
I´ve tried spending time
I´ve tried spending time alone with SS and nothing has changed. I wish I could point out things he does that annoy me, but they aren´t there. He´s 2, therefore he has tough moments, but as I said he´s a easy going child. None of this is from him or my husband, its just my problem with the fact that he exists, yes I´m that crazy!
I think you´re suggestion about carving out time with SS and creating a bond with the new baby are good ideas. I´ll most likely be going through the motions with gritted teeth, but it´s better that I try something than nothing, because nothing is really eating away at me.
Idk if it is right or wrong
Idk if it is right or wrong but I understand how you feel. At least I know how I felt. I used to get along with ss when he was younger. But when I got pg with our #1 I kind of felt like something was taken away from me even though it wasn't. I felt like that moment of 'our first child' and all the firsts related when you have your first child weren't there because it wasn't dh's first child. (I got over that because dh and I have experienced a lot more firsts together with 3 kids!) I also felt like I couldn't enjoy pregnancies like I 'normally' would've because of ss. With my first, instead of enjoying being a stay at home mom with my first child & sleeping when the baby sleeps and just enjoying my first baby, I had ss 30 days only a month after my dd was born. (dh works so ss was with me all day). Then with number 2 I had to watch what I said about the new baby, what we bought, etc because we were expecting a boy and ss was jealous. So I remember feeling like I didn't want ss around either. Do you feel resentful of him? It is hard to get used to a new situation (like having ss more) when you are already going thru other major changes.
"DH was showing a little
"DH was showing a little 'cute' video of him from the pool he took the other day, It was all I could do to watch it and agree, yes, very cute, um-hum, yep. I feel bad, I don't even convince myself"
Ha ha!! I am the same way! What gets on my nerves is when dh takes and sends me pics of ss like I care. I receive them on my phone, look at it and delete it. (after rolling my eyes) I try to look and think this could be a cute pic but it just annoys me. I also can't stand when he takes the kids somewhere (ss and our bios) and I tell him to take pics for me. He then sends me pics of our kids with ss in every pic. It ruins the picture for me. This summer dh took ss and bs to a baseball game- bs 1st game. The only pics I hve of bs has ss in every pic too. It wouldn't be a big deal except that ss is so mean to bs and I don't want him in the pictures that I planned to put in bs memory book!
I have the same reaction to
I have the same reaction to pictures and videos of SS! My husband shows me these 10 minute long videos of his son doing basically nothing and says ´aww isn´t he cute?´ or ´look how smart/funny/tall/handsome he is!´ I´ve always felt this way about SS, but now I´m pregnant and I just use the ´umm I have to pee´ excuse and don´t respond at all to his inquiries!
Tx mommy - I do wish this was DH´s first child as well, but I know his overall experience with BM and her pregnancy were so negative I luckily have a lot of firsts with him. He´s so excited about ALLL (yes even obgyn) appt´s, we saw our first ultrasound together, he can touch my stomach and talk to the baby whenever he wants, and overall I just have him involved with this pregnancy. I think what I resent more than anything is the fact that he´ll always be around, not just in the house, but for DH.
I almost wish I could do one of those ´eternal sunshine of the spotless mind´ treatments and erase SS.
I wish I could be more zen about this.
We control our feelings. A
We control our feelings. A lot of people state that feelings are neither bad nor good, they just are. And while that may be true, those same feelings create negative or positive reactions within us and cause us to react outwardly in either positive or negative ways toward others and ourselves. But what most people don't realize is that the feelings we are having are really our perceptions and thoughts that we continue to speak to ourselves, our inner dialogue. When we learn to control our thoughts and perceptions - which takes a lot of self-examination, practice and determination - we can "re-record" that inner dialogue and learn to control our feelings as well as our reactions to those feelings.
I had very negative self-talk for a long period of my life. I never thought I was good enough. I said things to myself everyday - even though I wasn't fully conscious of it - that made me FEEL this way. See, thoughts turning into feelings. Right before I began preparing to leave my abusive husband, I was at my lowest. I thought/felt that I deserved the abuse because I was no good, ugly, worthless... all those things I told myself, which was the same self-talk that actually got me into this abusive marriage! I had to change things if I was going to live and raise a healthy, happy child. So I CHANGED things about myself. I changed my thoughts about myself and my feelings about myself began to change. It's not easy and it's not a quick fix. It's constant work to re-wire our inner thoughts and self-talk, but it makes a difference.
Here's some good general information on how to change thoughts and feelings:
"I was having a conversation with a friend the other day.
I was struggling with how I was feeling about a particular situation. My feelings were strong and I was making choices based on these feelings that I didn't like very much. This kept happening over and over and I was starting to get frustrated with myself.
Have you ever felt that way? Are you ever overwhelmed by feelings you wish you didn't have and make choices you wish you hadn't made? Do you want to stop both these feelings and the choices?
As my friend and I were talking about my feelings, and as he was telling me how best to cope with them, I had a huge insight. I realized my feelings were not mine at all, and that because of that I didn't have to act on them. I was free, no longer having to take any action I did not fully choose.
Contrary to popular belief, feelings don't just happen to us. Feelings are a direct result of an internal conversation, which is often so subtle, quick and quiet we don't even know it's there. We say something to ourselves as a reaction to external stimuli and those words create a reaction inside of us - feelings.
External stimuli, real or perceived + thoughts and words to self = feelings
Let me show you an example. Go to the mirror and look at yourself. Now say something very negative about your weakest attribute. Keep saying it. OK, how do you feel? You may have started to feel sad, angry, or frustrated, or started promising yourself to make changes.
Now, say something very positive about your best attribute, and say it as many times as you said the negative words. OK, how do you feel now? You may feel brighter, lighter, more like smiling and being kind.
You see, you just created your own feelings. This is what happens to us constantly - we have feelings as a result of giving messages to ourselves. Now, not all feelings need to be changed. What if you are having feelings that stop you from taking the action you want to take to have a better life and more love?
For example, what if you want to lose weight, but dieting makes you feel depressed or deprived and then you seem to have no control over making poor food choices. Or, what if you have feelings of being too scared or too depressed to meet new people and so you end up alone? What do you do then?
Listen for the messages you are speaking to yourself which create your feelings. Examine and understand the origin of these messages. Choose whether you want to continue to listen to these messages or to dismiss them as not reflecting who you are any longer. Chances are that the messages in your head are not even your thoughts. Someone could have told you that love doesn't last. Or someone told you that true love is hard to find. Or that the way to keep a relationship is to give up on what you want.
Alternatively, you could have created your own message as a result of misperceiving a situation, or to keep yourself safe. Of course, a message designed to keep you safe that instead makes you miserable has outlived its validity.
The messages you could be saying to yourself are as individual as you are, and yet if they are creating feelings you don't want you can:
1. Catch the message and you will catch the root of your feelings
2. Stop the message by identifying the origin of it - where you got it, why you started saying it to yourself - and you will stop the feelings from returning
3. Dispute the validity of the message, every time you hear it in your head, and you will find freedom to act you as you choose, according to what YOU want and need."
Author, Rinatta Paries