Calling your SD "Dad", or "Ex-Dad" wait no "guy who eats out of fridge"
We have experienced a disturbing trend with my skids and their step-dad. BM encouraged my SD12 & SS9 to call their step-father "Dad" in order to make him feel more like family. We had inadvertantly caught the kids in commom conversation reffering to him as "Dad" and then quickly changing to call him by his first name. My assumption is that as BM (who has a child with this man) finds it is easier if all the children refer to him as "Dad", you know so SD can pretend there never was a divorce?! This greatly upsets their BD; and I have only ever had the children refer to me by my frist name.
Worsening the sitution BM has recently kicked this second husband out of the house with their mutual baby (2 yrs.). Their SD continues to pop by the house, eat out of the fridge and occasionally stays for dinner. He will be allowed to move back in when she feels he has changed (changed jobs, loves the Lord, does more housework, blah,blah,blah)
Our concern firstly was that the children were refering to this man as "Dad" which was unfair and disrespectful. Now our concern is that the use of "Dad" has become a manipulation tool to keep him feeling bound.The children now guard their conversations with us being sure to refer to him by name if they bring up this guy eating out of the fridge.
We feel the children are being exploited, and unfairly pushed to do this to keep the marriage going. How do we address this issue with our upseting loyalties? Also how do we best support our kids through the break-up of their second family unit?
This is a classic PAS
This is a classic PAS technique. BM insisting that her flav of the week be called "dad" by skids, whereas (and here's the double standard again) she purposely calls biodad by his first name in front of the skids. "Do you WANT to go to JOE's house?" (complete with look of disdain and eyeroll)
SM will always be referred to as "that woman" or "that whore" or "the bitch that took away your father"** over at BM's house.
** this last phrase occurs shortly before BM starts referring to biodad by his first name.
Not much you can do or control about her house. Insist that they call biodad "dad" Period.
DH actually has it in DD that
DH actually has it in DD that no one can call another person mom or dad but the Bio's. If that was in every DD it would solve a lot of issues. My sons father is deceased and I am not even comfortable with him calling my husband Dad and we have been together for almost 6 years. His Dad died when he was 7 years old.
A Dad is such an important thing and shouldn't be diminished. BM has tried to really push her new husband on the kids and it drives DH insane. But, as long as she doesn't go that far it is fine.
Alot of parenting books that
Alot of parenting books that deal with blended families say that a child should call the step parent mom or dad. It is a show of respect.
that being said, hmmm......I'm called by first name, and so is DH.
Did it create a little problems with our joint daughter yes. So to help with that, my ODD would say YDD, go give this to your dad. Or hey your dad is home. She would sometime say, go gives this to daddy.
I also called my sdad by first name, but if I introduced you to my mom and sdad, I would say- these are my parents blah blah and blah blah.
Or I would say, hey this is my dad and mom.
IF you knew me well, you knew I was blessed with two dads.
Are you sure she's demanding
Are you sure she's demanding it? Or is she just allowing it? I ask because of the ages..how old were they when SD came into their lives? Also..for two years, SD is being called "Daddy" in the home because of the new baby..so it might just be something that slips..and she's allowed it. My youngest son has the IQ of a 4-5 yo. My SS is 13 and lives with us as well. So now that SS is always referring to dh as "Dad"...my bioson sometimes slips and calls him Dad. Partly because he hears it all the time, partly because that is the role dh plays in our home. It would kill my ex...rightly so....but I sometimes wonder if correcting him all the time would be harmful.
This is tricky. I never asked
This is tricky. I never asked or told my stepkids to call me mommy, but they did. I didn't feel like I should tell them no that they can't, but they def weren't forced.
My ss lived with us for two years calling by my first name. He had every other weekend visits with his birth mom and spent 3 days a week at his grandparents while my Dh was working. His step grandmother insisted/demanded to be called mommy, and had him calling his bio mom Mommy Jennifer. To be fair, she was a shitty mom who lost custody due to neglect, and was only allowed supervised visitation cause she couldn't be trusted.
Two years later we got custody of his half sister (dh daughter by a diff woman), and after about 6 weeks she just started calling me mommy. Being that she also had no relationship with her biomom (had been raise up to that point by her grandmother), we let her decide. No one at that point was calling my mommy in the house, so she just identified that title with the female who was her primary caretaker.
My ss then began calling me mommy when he wanted something, but still calling me by my first name for everything else. So my Dh told him to pick one, that it wasn't ok to manipulate the situation like that. A whiney mommy when he was asking for something, but otherwise I was just first name. He decided to call me mommy full time.
We def discussed this issue in depth, but ultimately didn't feel it was right to tell them that they couldn't call me mommy..... Mostly because it wasn't like they had another mom to go to. I think each situation is different.
I've heard a lot about this
I've heard a lot about this on both sides. My bf's d (12) has always called him daddy. But the bm got married when she was about 2 or so to a decent guy so now he's daddy, too. Actually, I feel sorry for the poor kid at times bc my bf corrects her all the time when she talks about her other parent and refers to him as daddy.
So then she calls them Daddy Jason and Daddy Frank. It's just weird in the least to hear a 12 year old say that. But I understand that is the only way she can make everyone happy.
Then on top of this is the fact that the bm tried to edge out my bf early in their daughter's childhood and he actually had to sit her down when she was five and explain that he was her birth father. Not daddy #2. Duh, she's not all that bright, why did you think this guy and his family was hanging around and you were calling him daddy?
Then.... there is a younger brother from the bm's marriage to daddy #2. They have apparently tried to keep from him the fact that he and his sister or only half siblings.
So now that everyone is getting older, their friends are making comments, they are figuring out that something is different. But in my experience, there are so many blended families now, that does it really matter whose what to whom?
I feel the bm is trying to create this tight little cozy knit family unit that excludes my bf.
He told me when daughter was younger, he would go pick her up (as usual- they never bring or pickup) and they would always have a family group hug before his daughter would get in the car. Totally excluding him from the "family group hug".
Anyhow, to share even more.. last year during baseball, my sd played and her sd coached. Guess who's last name ended up on the sd's jersey?
Yeh, the stepdad's name. And my bf is the one that paid for her to play baseball that year. He was very hurt. I mean.. his daughter has his last name.. it's not like she doesn't know who her father is?! But she makes it clear to him in her actions that it's such a pain to her to have to come her and deal with all this stuff.
I've said this before but I'll say it again.
I don't understand all this trying to cut people out of your life because you have too many parents? Too many people that love and care about you?
Geeze, so sorry! All those grandparents, all those birthday gifts and christmas presents... man you are so mistreated!!
Sorry, didn't mean to derail.
I just wanted to say that if someone feels comfortable enough to call the other "parent" mom or dad, then I think they should be able to.
I consider it a title of respect more than anything. And it can be habit forming when you hear other people using that title all the time.
My question is this!!!!!
Why does the sd (12) continuously use daddy the entire time she's visiting. Daddy, daaaaddddyyyyy, daddy, daddy, daddy... it's all I hear the whole visit.
I'm so sick of it!!
I told her one day that I felt like I was on a freaking soap opera where everyone refers to the person in the room with their first name even though they've been having a conversation with them already. It's just weird and socially strange.
I explained.... I know he's your daddy, he knows, you know.. so when you turn to him and ask a question.. there is no need to address him again by daddy in every single sentence or question.
It's terrible if Bio Mom is
It's terrible if Bio Mom is actually forcing the kids to call her current SO Dad, but like a poster a few back said, she might be allowing it, not forcing it. I've been with my current husband for 4 years and on occasion my daughter calls him "Dad" even though she has a good relationship with her Bio Dad. I neither encourage or discourage it....it's up to her.
As an adult I call my Step Dad "Dad", but it took me a long, long time...my parents divorced and both remarried when I was very young but I called my Step-Dad by his first name for probably 15-20 years. I still call my Step-Mom by her first name, but we are close and still spend holidays together even though my Bio Dad died 11 years ago. In fact, she even asked me (with my step-sister) to walk her down the aisle when she remarried a few years ago. I was happy to say yes. My blended family situation wasn't the average, I know that, but I was fortunate enough to somehow wound up with 4 parents who cared about me.
If someday my ex remarries and my daughter feels close enough to refer to her SM as "Mom", I won't LOVE it, but I'll get used to it because I'll assume that the lady must be treating my daughter like her own child and I'll be thankful for that.
As I'm reading through these
As I'm reading through these replies I am saddened more and more about my stepchildren. When my wife and I first got together, they specifically asked if they could call me dad because it was easier for them, however, BD felt extremely threatened by this and squashed ANY idea that I am a parent in any sense of the word. We refer to BD as "your dad" and my wife calls me by name so the kids have been calling me by my first name. I do wish to be a dad so I hope we have our own some day. I feel it's up to the children and the household they live in, that it's not up to the insecurities of another. I mean, we're uncomfortable hearing about some of the things BD does because we know it's not safe or good for the children, but we don't say anything because it's wrong to tell them not to speak about what they did over their weekend even though BD demands they don't speak of what they do with him. I feel if another man were raising my kids and they wished to call him "dad" that my pride would be bruised, but I would never let that stand in the way of what I did for my kids and I wouldn't tell them it was wrong. It would be my duty to want what's best for them and maybe having more than one "dad" would be a good thing, who knows.
omg what am i reading? why
omg what am i reading?
why would a child call a stepfather "daddy"? She has a father.
There is only one mom and one dad...
Seriously this world is coming to an end.
It's the mom's bf and dad's gf...
How many freakin parents can a child have?
Its not because u see the kid everyday that it makes u their father or mother, cause u can be easily kicked to the curb anytime!
I say uncle or auntie is somewhat way more acceptable.
Im so against it! Actually i find it so deranged to have ur child call ur boyfriends or other babydaddys "Daddy"...Its disrespecteful. And makes the other parent look meaningless...and VERY REPLACABLE!
My SD has to call her
My SD has to call her Stepfather "dad" too her mother will even refer to him as her dad when her real dad is in the same area.... talk about confusing. one time we are at a game and BM yells hey kid your dad will be her in a little while and SD was like my dad is right behind you! it was priceless and BM was pissed i am sure the kid got in trouble.
another time BM called our house on a night we had SD and said "your dad will be doing this and that and taking it to school tomorrow for you" it was some big project. and kid said to her dad after she hung up withher mom said "you will be doing this that and this and will take it to school in the morning" mine you its like 9 pm .
my husband is like what the heck you talking about and she is like i dont know but i need by tomorrow morning so we are running around house for 1/2 hour looking for stuff to do project with and skid is now crying my husband frustrated!
DH then calls BM pissed saying what the hell dropping a project on us like that at 9 pm and she is like i said her dad did it all ready and my DH is like what the F are you talking about "i am her dad" it was complete BS. i felt so bad for both DH and SD what a bitch this BM can be.. who does that ?
When my ex was getting
When my ex was getting remarried, he and his fiance sat our kids down and asked them to call her "Mom". The kids said they already had a perfectly good Mom, and would prefer to continue calling his fiance by her first name. Her kids called my ex "Dad" for a while. They're now back to calling him by his first name.