Buying Stepson a Car
Hello all. I am new to this forum and glad that I am able to connect with other stepparents about the challenges that step parenting can bring. I have been married to my wife for 5 years and have 2 biological children, a son who is 14 and a daughter who is 18. My wife has one son who is 16. Before we met, I owned my own 5 bedroom home and right before we got married, my wife and stepson moved in. In the beginning, we had issues with her son showing respect to me or even acknowledging me in the home. I would come home from work to a sink full of dishes and ask my stepson to wash them, to which he would ignore me or say that it's not his problem. Anytime I ask him to turn the television down because it was too loud or ask him to pick up after himself when he left things out, it is met with some disrespectful comment or just walking away and slamming the door to his room. I have spoken to my wife and said that I don't appreciate being treated this way and ask that she support me by telling her son not to be rude or disrespectful. My wife usually makes the excuse of "he's upset" or "let's not make a big deal out of this". In other words, she doesn't want to do anything that would cause her son to hate her or think she doesn't support him. It's to the point that she's asked me not to discipline him and to leave it to her, so in essence, I am supposed to be okay with being disrespected and walked on like a doormat, because the house revolves around her sons feelings.
I currentkh bring in $230K a year, while my wife brings in about $32K as a call center agent, so a lot of the household bills fall onto my shoulders. I am getting tired of financial providing for someone who cannot show common courtesy and I'm to the point that I want to tell my wife that any extras that her son has (his cellphone, school tuition, sports, clothes, and medical) will fall on her shoulders, since I am to have no authority in my home. Now that he 16, she wants to purchase a vehicle for him, since I bought my daughter a vehicle when she was 16. What I have a problem with is that I'm not contributing to paying for a vehicle for him, if he cannot show me any sort of respect. My children treat my wife with respect and anytime they have had an attitude with her or not been respectful, I tell them they are not to speak to her that way and to respect her. My daughter was gifted a vehicle for her 16th birthday and I am planning on buying a car for my son, but if my wife's son doesn't even get along with the rest of the family or can't be bothered to help out, why does she think he deserves a vehicle? My wife thinks I'm playing favorites, but this isn't a game of favorites. This is a situation where one persons feelings are put as priority and everyone else revolves around them. Am I being unreasonable or is there another way to handle the situation?
So what if your wife doesn't
So what if your wife doesn't think that you son should get a car if hers doesn't. it's not playing favorites to reward a person who is not an active ahole.
Prior to us being married, we
Prior to us being married, we both agreed to treat the kids equally, but now that I'm getting everyone's perspective, it's not equal treatment. My kids are held to a standard that she doesn't hold SS to and for that, it's like comparing apples to oranges. My children know that you are to respect someone in their home, regardless of who it is, so I think what is frustrating to me is that my wife genuinely feels as though her son should receive all the things I have, but not show any sort of maturity or responsibility. My wife has a separate accounts already, so how would I go about separating finances? Should she still have access to the main account? I don't have access to any of her accounts because I never needed it, but I'm not sure how to separate finances in the most conducive way.
I'm sorry, but I would have a
I'm sorry, but I would have a reeeeeally hard time having a child live with me that was blatantly disreapectful to me - regardless if I was paying for their personal items/care.
Besides splitting finances, you really should have more respect for yourself than to allow a brat to disrespect you in your own home.
Hopefully this kid successfully launches off to college or somewhere at high school graduation ($950/mo being put into an account is one hell of a college fund - Lord, hopefully she isn't counting on you to pay for college, but I bet she is!).
In my case
From the beginning I was very clear : I am not subsidizing the DH's boy. I earn more than DH does. What do we do ?
we split common expenses (house, electricity, expenses related to our common daughter) and the rest he does as he please. He can buy the boy an island in Maldives, this is not of my business. But I will certainly not participate on anything relating to him. He has a mom and a dad and I am not one of them, question of principle.
I think that's what my wife
I think that's what my wife is expecting of me, in terms of subsidizing income. In other words, she expects me to pay all the bills, while she has money floating around in an account. No I'm definitely not paying for college. We had that discussion and I stated I would not be supporting SS to go to college. My oldest is going on scholarship and my youngest plans to join the Armed Forces, so their college is paid for. When my wife got upset over this, I told her that if she wants to waste money and send him to college for him to drop out, she can do that, but I'm not contributing. She stated she would just take out a parent loan, but I stated she would need to sign a post nuptial agreement releasing me from any debt that is owed that's in her name, because I'm not going to be responsible for debt she wants to take on for her child. She said the same thing with the car, but again, I gave her the same answer. I'm not paying for it
So, if she wants you to pay
So, if she wants you to pay for her kids college (when you are not even paying for your own kid's college), what exactly is the account with all of the child support for?
Good for you Always a problem
Good for you Always a problem!!!!
You have been married 5 years
You have been married 5 years. I do believe most states laws regarding spousal support look at 7-10 years marriage.
Just a tid-bit of info.
Perhaps you should look into a post nuptial agreement before that timeframe.
NOPE just NOPE
NOPE just NOPE
Hey I have bio kids,,,a 16 year old needs to get a job to help work for a small loan, THEN he/she can buy a car. THE very same kid needs to earn enough to pay for the over the top insurance because INSURANCE companies do not believe they are responsible enough for lower rates.
So many 16 year olds cant even pick up their own underpants and stick them in their laundry basket let alone, get behind a wheel of a several ton car. They are too distracted...
IF you buy this car I bet you may believe things will get better in your household. They wont and after you toss those keys you will feel foolish. THEN you will feel used.
But hey, do what you want. I can tell you all of our kids were not bought cars..THEY worked and had small loans AND they paid their own car insurance. My dh have been married a very long time. Tell the kid no---save you own money, you may need it in the future.
OH one more thing...never ever co-sign a loan either.
Definitely understand your
Definitely understand your perspective on buying cars. I chose to buy my children cars because they've proven to be responsible. By no means are they perfect, but they do understand the value of hard work. One thing I did teach them is how to manage money and about credit utilization and all this monetary that they should know before going out and spending money, so hopefully they will utilize some of that.
I'm curious. How did a man
I'm curious. How did a man like you, making $230,000 a year, meet and fall for a woman who works a "no skilled" job making pennies? To make the money you do, that requires drive and passion. Her job would indicate that she has neither. That's not me trying to knock someone who is working class, but given her "just let it go" attitude and her having zero qualms with spending your money, I'm not picturing someone with a lot of drive.
Is she pretty? Shags like a demon? What is SO ENTHRALLING about someone who isn't your equal financially, isn't your equal in parenting, and doesn't seem to hold respect in the same esteem as you do?
Separate finances. You don't have to go 50/50 since it sounds like you're all living closer to your income standard, BUT she should be responsible for at least 15% of the household bills since she brings in about 15% of the income. Once she pays her bills, the rest of her money is hers to use as she needs - which should be used to fund her retirement, make her own car payment, pay for her own cell phone, purchase her own clothes, etc. If she is going to look a gift horse in the mouth, then she needs to experience the consequences.
Additionally, your kids need to see that it's not okay to use or be used. You allowing your SS to be disrespectful and allowing your wife to use your money while keeping her own only teaches your kids that this behavior is okay for them, too, in the future.
If your wife balks at suddenly being cut off from your money while still getting to enjoy a nicer home, nicer meals, nicer schools, and nicer trips than her income alone could afford, then you know what you were useful for.
OP, as much as it is
OP, as much as it is difficult to read this post, please review it as many times as you need to turn hurt into action.
Stepped out- The child
Stepped out- The child support money is supposed to be for SS when he moves out or money for him to put on a down payment on a home or whatever he decides. Basically it's a nest egg for expenses he may have when he is older. Regarding spousal support, I will definitely look into what the stipulations are in my state. We do have a prenuptial agreement that keeps her from being entitled to any money or assets from my business, but that is because I am in business with my family and they have the right to have safeguards to protect their shares. She was extremely upset with me over this, but I explained to her that just because I trust her, my family has to be secured when it comes to their shares and it's not their decision of who I married, so they have the right to have their shares protected. Now I see it was all about money and as embarrassing as it is to see what a fool I was about it, I still feel as though maybe we can work out our issues. I realize SS is not the problem, but my wife. I just don't know how to approach this.
Lieutenant_dad- When I met her, she was very driven and wanted to pursue a degree in computer software engineering. She was in school at the time when we met and we met at a local comedy club that's in our area. She stopped pursuing her degree once we married because she wanted to focus on our family, which now makes no sense to me if she was still working at a call center. It would have made more sense for her to quit her job and go to school and have a higher paying career, rather than keep a low paying job and quit going to school. I'm short, I feel as though she got comfortable, knowing she had me to rely on if she couldn't make it financially.
There are women out there enrollment is bs courses
and hoping to bag a very rich guy that they can milk and will sell you a story which you don’t realise until its too late that it was a sham of a marriage.
she sounds like a gold digger!!
A LOT of PREnups are thrown
A LOT of PREnups are thrown out. A lot. POSTnups are far more secure.
Please speak with an attorney to ensure YOUR interests are protected.
I am sorry, but your wife is putting HER son first with no indication she will ever do otherwise.
She allows him to disrespect you and tries to insist you pay for high ticket items, in addition to every day costs that you have graciously be paying. All while she socks away a generously funded account for him to have "later in life" (once you pay for his college education, of course!). She ALLOWS him to disrespect you.
In my opinion, she sounds like a manipulating gold digger. It stinks. Everyone makes mistakes and that is ok. What is not ok is not doing anything to correct the mistake.
Honestly, I don't understand
Honestly, I don't understand men like you that are willing to support a lazy woman AND her offspring. OK, she stopped going to school after you married her, but you've let this go on for FIVE years. If I stopped working right now, my DH would dump me to the curb within 6 months of me refusing to pull my own weight. Your combined kids do NOT need a stay-at-home mother at their ages.
And even more so, I don't understand women who expect a man to care for them AND for their kids. That takes a degree of entitlement that I can't even fathom. This is 2020. Women aren't entitled to be "provided for" by men anymore.
Time to do as the others said, and make her financially responsible for her kid, and also time for her to get a better paying job or go back to school.
I am of the mind that true
I am of the mind that true equity life partnerships are between people who are all in together. Emotionally, financially, etc....
My wife and I immediately blended finances when we married. Not that it was all that challenging. All we had was two apartments full of college furniture, my new Engineering degree and my 8yo pick up truck. We have built everything together. All of our finances are integrated except for our individual 401Ks and IRAs though we are each the beneficiary of the other's accounts.
Hiding or spending money that the other partner is not informed of and does not agree to prior to that spending, with the exception of the purchase of gifts for each other, is grounds for the end of the relationship IMHO.
Trust, partnership, etc... are critical to the success of a long term relationship.
Secrets and sneaky shit have no place.
There is nothing equal about
There is nothing equal about your supposedly equal arrangement. Instead, you are completely subsidizing your wife and her son while she builds up a very tidy nest egg for him. Your wife should have skin in the game, meaning she should be paying a portion of the monthly bills. The two of you also should have a JOINT financial plan for your future, and I'd love to know where HER retirement accounts stand. Are YOU her retirement plan?
You need good information in order to make good decisions about your marriage, so please talk to a divorce attorney and a financial advisor. Once you have a clear picture of just how big a financial liability your wife is, you can decide how to best protect yourself. Marriage counseling would also be a good investment, as you and your wife do not sound like you're a team.