Broken Blended Family
I'm a dad of two weens in a 2yr relationship with a mom of one tween. Our kids got along on vacations and weekends together. Then she moved in. The kids had 2-3 days' notice. 5 months of conclifct later, she moved out, suggesting we be a family with two homes. We gave the kids a summer off, then re-introduced them this weekend. It was.. disheartening. 
Fri, per my therapist, I told my kids what was coming ready to chat about concerns. None raised.
Sat: My S with her D as co-particpants in a 25-person game went okay. Then my partner prepared a special appetizer--only her D ate ("not hungry"). Then I prepared a special dinner. None of our kids ate ("not hungry")
Sat: We watched a movie together. That went well enough.
Sun: Breakfast. Her D kept finding reasons not to come to the table, arrived 15 minutes late.
Sun: Lunch. After 30min telling me how hungry they were, her D got to the table first, and my kids wouldn't come ("not hungry").
My partner wants to book a family trip together next summer. I asked if she's up for all these challenges. She says, "As long as it doesn't get worse." I asked her what she meant, but she'd only joke, "As long as my D doesn't tie yours up!"
Her suggestion is to force the kids to interact, e.g. a family game night or trips together. I suspect my kids would refuse as much as they could and accept consequences. They won't even eat when they're hungry if it means being next to the other person! I lean towards spending more low-key time together.. but everyone being on their own device or doing their own things 20 feet away from each doesn't exactly build comraderie. Is there a road map to success anywhere?
Silver Lining: All kids get along with all adults.
InLuck,
InLuck,
: Why don’t you actually parent your kids and teach them some manners?
What's an appropriate consequence to "I'm not hungry"? If D doesn't do her chores, she loses screentime (2x in past three years). If S doesn't use a fork at the dinner table, no dinner and if there's a treat/dessert afterwards that's out too (0x in past three years). Beyond pushing them all to try one bite, we were at a loss as to consequences for S, D, or SD beyond being hungry because we're only providing these meals at the meal time. We additionally wanted them to sit and enjoy a movie as a group 15 minutes later and a power struggle at dinner may have jeopardized that.
My partner pointed out the last time she/I made simple dinners everyone had eaten, and perhaps making it a special dinner when everyone was together increased the kids' desire to rebel against it.
: Or are they just too selfish and you let it slide for too long.
Our daughters are both perhaps a little selfish. Our therapist(s) don't feel it's outside norms for their age. Again, open to ideas for addressing this. There's no hitting, yelling, or name-calling here.. but complete avoidance of each another. My partner plans to have a talk with SD about the difference between being FRIENDS and FRIENDLY.
InLuck, lol. I am not blaming
InLuck, lol. I am not blaming this all on my kids and I. Note, my SD didn't eat my dinner and came 15 min late to my breakfast. The issues are on both sides.. but the dream of a family life is mine. My partner could take that or leave it. That puts more of the onus on me to figure a blended family out.. or let it go.
: And you having her talk to
: And you having her talk to your daughter about friends versus friendliness will
: have no impact on your kids behavior. She’s not their parent.
She's having a talk to SD (her daughter) about Friends vs. Friendliness because her daughter "wasn't hungry" when I cooked dinner and came 15 minutes late to the breakfast table.
When she moved out with her
When she moved out with her kids she gave control to all of the kids. Her kids, and yours, know that they are in control, can do what they want to manipulate and control both of the "adults" in this relationship and the odds of them ever recognizing and respecting your relationship are slim and none.
Do yourself a favor. Either jerk a knot in the tails of all of the kids, make their lives a living hell if they do not immediately and consistently comply with the standards of behavior you set, or call it quits.
Any other choice will be a living hell of monumental proportions and eternal duration.
Good luck.
Hi Rags, I wish she didn't
Hi Rags, I wish she didn't move out, but that's beyond my control. I love and am committed to my partner, so I will do my best with the aftermath.
Sounds like option one is
Sounds like option one is your path forward then. That means taking on the parenting and discipline of all the kids and informing DW that if she doesn't like how you do it that she can step up and get it done before you have to.
Good luck. I know that it is difficult to deal with the baggage of even someone you love very much.
When i cooked dinner hubby got home and he
Marched ss18 arse out to the dining table to eat dinner. He claimed he wasn’t hungry, hubby told him “mummy cooked so you will eat some healthy dinner”.
Ss did try to challenge hubby chucking a hissy fit and driving to the convenience store to buy chilli sauce like my cooking wasn’t nice enough when it was delicious.
Now i cook for my family and ss is too afraid to get dinner after i’ve cooked because he knows very well what a little shit he has been
Sorry, sounds like dinners
Sorry, sounds like dinners with your SS hasn't been fun either. I think the reaction was more to my kids being near each other--but it was shocking to have a boycott from all the kids to an extremely yummy dinner.
A Non-negotiable boundary
For me has always been..........
You are expected to come and join us at mealtime regardless of whether you are hungry or not. If you are not hungry you can sit there and either join in our conversations or respectfully stay silent.
Mealtimes IMHO are about so much more than eating.
Thank you. I've always done
Thank you. I've always done family meals, and this is the distinction I was seeking.
I don't have any kids, but -
I don't have any kids, but - I'm not always sure it's fair to kids to try to "blend" families if they hate the other kids. Just because adults want a partner doesn't mean it's the right thing to do to force kids to live with stepsiblings they dislike.
That being said, why DO they dislike each other so much?
Tog - They got along
Tog - They got along initially.
SD is extroverted, D is introverted. D initially enjoyed SD's enthusiasm and they had interesting conversations, but when SD gets her facts wrong, SD gets angry and loud. D now gives brief replies to SD.
S initially loved to play games with SD, but SD twice touched things in his bedroom when he asked her not to. SD was talked to, and tried to make ammends a few times, but he didn't forgive her for 2-3 months.
At this point, they all just prefer not to engage each other.
Thanks guys, a WIDE range of
Thanks guys, a WIDE range of opinions here. I took what worked for me for now--
My SD - My partner spoke to her about friends vs being friendly.
S, D - I spoke to my S about saying "Thank you"--that she'd made a nice dessert and hearing "Thank you" feels good, and besides she otherwise may not do that next time! My D pulled "Not hungry" at lunch today and I told her she didn't have to eat but I wanted her to come to the table like usual. She came and she ended up eating.
Me - I had other potential partners where our kids clicked. I guess I picked this partner because I love her. I see where I went wrong--my dream involved my kids and hers getting along. I DON'T control that. Time to stop pressuring that. We can make D and S be civil around SD and vice-versa. I can be happy to have found my partner and my kids accept her and her daughter accepts me, even if our two sets of kids don't like each other very much.