Bothersome Ex Wife
Hello Everyone,
I am curious to know how to deal with an exwife who is too familiar and not emotionally over a divorce that happened 18, yes 18 years ago and why does she do the things she does. We have always had an issue with hubby's ex being overly friendly and having a sense of entitlement regarding my husband. Just because they were married once and had two kids doesn't mean she's entitled to all things personal in his life.
A little background: they married very young and after 9 years of marriage and two kids later they divorced. I was told when I met my husband that the divorce was mutual, that they just weren't compatible any more, and the divorce was cooperative. His ex wife was engaged by the time I came along and her and my husband had been divorced for 5 years when we met. She re-married the same year we got married. I foolishly assumed that since she had remarried that she had moved on and wouldn't be an issue. Ever since I've known her she has continued to bring up their marriage and things they used to do while married in front of me. I remember the first time I met her we had gone to their son's soccer game. We arrived a tiny bit late and sat up the field from her. At one point hubby gave me a little kiss. Apparently she had been watching us, marched over and said no public displays of affection!! What in the world? It's not like we were making out. We didn't do it to upset her. None of the parents nor kids were paying attention to us. She was engaged and it had been 5 years, 5 since they were divorced and I wasn't the first girlfriend he had. He told me that she had tried to break up he and his previous girlfriend. Another time at a kid drop off her, her husband, my husband and I were discussing their daughter's inappropriate behavior with a boy and she blurted out that things had changed since she was young and my husband took her virginity and then they married and she wasn't just fooling around with boyfriends. We all just stood there shocked. I didn't need to know and didn't care that my husband took her virginity. That's their business. She loves to bring up trips they have had, places where they used to eat, etc. My husband has always just totally ignored her hoping that by not giving attention to her if she doesn't get a reaction she will stop. She hasn't yet. She's also overly physically affectionate. At their daughter's high school graduation (which her husband didn't attend) she put her arm around my husband's waist in a side hug and said didn't we raise her well? My husband was so uncomfortable but didn't say anything because he didn't want to cause a scene on his daughter's graduation day and so he stood there while she kept her hand on his waist. No one said a word. That is not normal. Last year at their son's high school graduation when it came time to say goodbye she gave my husband a hug and when he tried to pull away to end it she wouldn't let go. She had her eyes closed and it was a long embrace. Twice he tried to let go. Finally their son said mom! I saw red. She did this in front of her husband, her family his family, my husband's family, all our kids. What on earth?? I was beside myself. It caused a big family arguement. I told him he needs to stop being silent and to finally put his foot down with her. My inlaws git mad at me saying I was being petty and I needed to do what everyone else does and ignore her and I should just be happy my husband is with me now. I call bs! I resent that they can't understand how I feel. I'm made out to be jealous and insecure. She's inappropriate and has been fir years. She's remarried and it's been almost two decades since her divorce. My husband called and told her to never ever do that again. I'm now the black sheep. I resent her for not moving on and not having proper etiquette and for the rest of them pinning this on me. How dysfunctional can you get?? I have always been kind and civil to her. I've never said a mean word to her and have just bit my tongue for years and this is what I get. So wrong on so many levels.
This has gone on for so long
This has gone on for so long because your husband took the easy way out. He needs to put her on notice,next time she makes a move, in public with everyone around that its inappropriate for her to act that way, they are divorced and both have moved on. The kids are grown and there is no need to pretend any different. (as if there is any reason to pretend, but that's what SHE has been doing all these years) There is nothing you can do or say. It HAS TO COME FROM HIM. The only thing that you can do it make your husband feel more pain for uspestting you than her. To ask you to keep doing this is ridiculous.
For what its worth, DH sent BM an email a few years back addressing some PAS problems and in it he put in caps that he divorced her and not the kids. It seems to finally send the message to her.
Another thing that worked in my favor was telling BM about things that only her and DH would know. It made her so mad to think that DH would betray her by telling me things about her. LOL So if your DH won't stand up to her, you start dropping facts about her in conversations and if she gets upset, tell her you and your husband have no secrets and tell each other everything. That was another thing that got thru to my BM. You must know things by now, and if you don't start collecting tidbits of info thru casual conversations with DH.
It sounds like you got one of the wacko clingy types of BM and you need to be stronghanded with them. She seems to get off on playing her little game for the audience so feel free to embellish her performance at her expense. Worked for me.
Agree!
I so agree. It floors me that his famy takes HER side. I wonder how my SIL and MIL would feel if their husband's ex girlfriends were touchy feely with their men or brought up events from their past relationships. It's so rude I can't even. I would never, ever bring up anything inappropriate in front of my ex, his new wife, and my husband. So gross. Yep she's a nutter and everyone adores her. *bad*
Are you married to him? How
Are you married to him? How long have you been together? Do not get too serious with him. He’s allowing poor boundaries with the ex. This is disgusting.
Boundaries
Yep, married for 12 years. Working with a therapist now on setting boundaries.
I’m so sorry it’s been 12
I’m so sorry it’s been 12 years. I guess it’s never too late to change things.
Oh my.
As others have stated, yep, "you've got a stage 5 clinger"...I too have a bothersome "ex-wife" as well and they seperated 18 years ago. Although, she is not affectionate or anything, but has made a few weird remarks, such as, "doesnt sd look like my SO?".
So in some ways, what you say parrlels my life, I wasnt there when they divorced in fact I was a kid, when they married and got divorced(we have an age difference)-they were together in total for less than 3 years lol- but she is a scorned women still. But yes, your husband needs to set boundaries and his family telling you to just "suck it up" so to speak doesnt do you any good, or to remedy the problem.
Your husband probably didnt put his foot down in the beginning(my SO was like this too) and thus she's been able to act out and play the victim, poor single mom. I too thought, now that BMs married she can stop being so interested in my nether regions, but nope...some women are just wack jobs, sounds like she is a narcissist- dont pay any attention to her, as hard as that is and your husband should be setting boundaries.
Is he keeping the peace because hes afraid of her coming after him for more CS? Sometimes this is the best way to set the tone. My SO is in the process of ending CS right now and served her, he hasnt spoken to the btch in almost 5 years, he cant f'ing stand her. What worked wiht the non-sense for my situation, was my SO TOTALLY ignoring her, she apparently is going crazy, that SO wont talk to her. He cant trust a word she says, lots of past drama to get to that point.
But perhaps thats why hes keeping the peace, money...best of luck, hopefully when CS officially stops her drama, will cease.
Skids Are Grown
No, it has nothing to do with child support. The oldest is 26 and the youngest is almost 24. He's afraid of looking like "the bad guy" to his kids and his family. I never said he had to be a jerk to her while setting boundaries. Ever hear of being assertive? Yes, it can be done in a firm but not jerk way. He told me she is never going to hug him again and he rarely ever even hears from her. Wait until his mother passes. She will go into full I'm here for you mode. He of course won't want to cause a scene at the funeral so we shall see. Men need to grow a pair!!! He says she doesn't contact him much. Well, his daughter left for a flight to Europe a month ago and wouldn't you know it exwifey sent him a picture of herself and their kids at the airport. Why does my husband need a pic of his exwife? If you have to, send a pic of your daughter getting on the plane ( even that is not really necessary). His daughter could have sent a text about taking off from the airport. ANY excuse to reach out to him now that they no longer have to work out visitation nor child support and college expenses. What on earth will she do if she can't drum up an excuse to call or text my husband? How about focusing on your current hubs?? Till death do us part really is forever, even in some divorced couples. Once my oldest turns 18, I am done with her dad. No need for contact.
Yikes, she sounds like a real
Yikes, she sounds like a real winner. I too predicted things just as you have stated. Its sad when we already know the future. It seems she just wants to inject herself in her exs life, for whatever reason...she obviously doesnt know proper ettiquitte and boundaries...maybe theres something wrong with her(in that case i feel bad) but i get the feeling she knows what she's doing, maybe she really is just that lonely...hoping your husbands ex wife, finds someone to occupy her time. I thought for sure, it was because of money issues, i would have thought that would stop...my so and psyche-ho, exchanged pictures once too, i just responded on a blog and the proper etiquette imo is, "hi and bye" thats all thats needed for communicaton with an ex...over 18, no reason to communicate anymore, again imo...good luck .
She's Remarried
I don't get her deal either as she's"s remarried. She confided in a guy she worked with regarding marital issues so she was emotionally unfaithful to my hubby. After her and my hubby divorced she started dating her coworker. They were engaged when I started dating my husband and they've been married as long as we have. She feels that since she once was married to my husband that she's entitled FOREVER to be emotionally close to him. EVEN my inlaws say she isn't emotionally over my husband and yet they ALLOW her behavior. Makes me nuts! My only saving grace is that she lives so far away, I only see her when their kids have life events and since neither is in any way near a serious relationship, it will be years before a wedding. I will have to see her if my husband's nephews marry. All in the family (eye roll).
You need to not worry about
You need to not worry about the why of her bullshit and confront the what. Confront what she does. Yes, your DH needs to firmly put her I her place. But so do you. DH should shit in one hand and hope in the other and then measure which one fills up first. Hoping that his XW will change hasn’t worked in nearly 20 years. Now you and everyone else in the mix has to shovel the shit of BM’s behavior.
You need to confront her directly when she fondles your DH in public. If you aren’t comfortable confronting her side hugs for extended periods directly, just firmly say “excuse me” and take your place at your DH’s side. That your SS knows that his BM is a whack job is the example that the adults in the situation need to take to heart.
Food luck.