BM b*$%# wins again

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I am thankful to have a place like this to vent. I am starting to really hate the weekend that my skids come. What can I say, the B*&%* has won again. We were only supposed to have my SKids for the weekend and take them home Sunday. They tried all day Sunday to get in touch with BM with no success. (Only because she refuses to answer the phone because she doesn't want them to come home). She waited until she got to work Sunday night to ask if they were trying to get in touch with her. My DH said yes he was calling to make sure she was at home so that he could drop them off. She said that she didn't know that they were trying to call (which is a complete lie, otherwise she wouldn't have called back if she didn't know they were trying to get in touch, but hey she figures that my DH is an idiot and won't pick up on this and he didn't but I did)and asked why he was dropping them off as if it wasn't Sunday, the end of visitation. She said that she was at work and that she did not leave a key for them to get in. They are 14 and 16 years old and she will not give them a key to the house. She then told DH that she would come get them in the morning when she got off work. I told DH if he believed that bulls*^& he is more gullible than I thought he was. I wanted him to drive to her job and get the key, but he said that if he did that, she would not give it to them and would tell the kids that your daddy doesn't want you over there anyway. Well it is now 4:30pm Monday and she still has not come to get them, but she did call to say that she overslept. Yeah right! I am sick of this crap. My DH acts like it is no big deal because they are his kids, but I told him he should not let her use us like that. I try to let him handle the issues with her, but I am about to interfere because she does not want the kids, she just wants the child support. She forces them on us all the time and I am beginning to resent the skids coming on the weekends and other holidays although her behavior is not their fault. This is the only thing me and DH argue about, but I am beginning to feel that this marriage is not worth it if he can't see how manipulative she is and deal with it. I then end up looking like the bad guy because he is always defending her. My close friends tell me to be patient, they will be of age in a couple of years and then we will not have to deal with her at all, but I don't know if I can deal with this for a few more years, I am at my limit NOW! He can't see what's right there in front of his face. We agreed that this summer we would get them for the court appointed time only, for financial reasons instead of them being here the whole entire summer like we usually do. I do not have any confidence in him that this will happen because if he can't get her to do right now, all hell is going to break loose then when he sends them back after the court appointed time. He is scared to make her mad, it is like he doesn't care about my feelings. I told him that no woman would put up with this no matter who he is with. I am beginning to lose both respect and love for my husband over this. I want him to stand up to her but he is afraid that she will badmouth him to the kids, but who is to say she already doesn't.

I'm afriad he's no different

than the other dads. They act out of guilt. And yes, she probably already has badmouthed him. But he's right if he insists on them going to her house, then it looks like he doesn't want them at his. Most Stepmoms and DH's want any extra time they can get with the kids. So I'm sure he feels this way too. Believe me though, I know how you feel, I'm a bio and step. And there were times when I was glad that my steps went home to BM's house. But I also know how your DH feels. Try not to look at it as the B*&%$ has won again. Just try to be happy that you have them. Some BM's do everything in their power to cut the visit short or anything they can do to interfere with visitations.

I don't understand.

This is hard for me to understand, but probably because I'm on the other side of the fence... we don't get the skids nearly enough. My DH's visitation is constantly being frustrated to the point where now we are lucky to see the kids once or twice a year. We'd both give just about anything for some extra time. It's either feast or famine in step families, it seems!

Is the problem that you can't make plans because she's always changing things on you or is it that you don't want the kids around? If it's the constantly changing plans, I don't know what either you or your DH can do. You can't make her answer the phone or be there for the drop-off. Short of going back to court, you really can't force her to do anything and you're just going to aggravate yourself further by trying. Stepping back, detaching and letting your DH deal with her and all of the fallout from her actions is the way I would go.

If the problem is that you just don't want the kids around that much, well, this may not be the situation for you. I hate to say it but you probably shouldn't have married a man with children if you didn't want those children to be around. Even when you have a DH who only gets EOW visitation, you have to accept that there's always the slightest possibility that the skids will be with you more than that. My skids' mom went through a cancer scare three years ago and yes, there was the possibility that if she didn't make it, all three would be coming to live with me, DH and our two. Talk about a full house! We would definitely have welcomed them and been thrilled to have them, but I can't say it's something I thought would ever happen before the cancer thing. I guess I learned quick the hard way that sometimes EOW visits can, indeed, turn into much more.

If your DH doesn't mind having them extra, and I can't imagine he does mind it, then let it go. Let him have the time. Most non-custodial dads don't get enough of it... he's lucky to get it. And if he DOES mind, then let him deal with it his way and just go about your business as if it doesn't bother you. Fake it until you make it. Act like you don't care and, eventually, you really WON'T care. As far as battles go, this is a minor one. A change in their plans doesn't have to equate to a change in YOUR plans.

~ Anne ~

http://www.geocities.com/campaign4madison/C4M.html
Please join the Campaign to Save Madison!

Interference

I can certainly see your point. We can not make plans, especially on holidays when neither of us have to work. I am also a bio mom with two kids who I have full custody of. Their father never sees them or even pays child support. We try to spend time together, just the two of us when my kids are not there. They went to my mother's house to spend the day so that we could be alone, but it never happens that way because when my kids go to visit grandma, my skids never go home as planned and we end up not being able to do what we have planned. This even happened on my birthday this past year. She dropped them at our house event though we had them the previous weekend so that she could go out of town. Since my kids were at my mother's house as planned, we had plans to go out to dinner. Instead, I ended up spending my birthday alone in a hotel because I was so ticked. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the skids. They are good kids. It is just that the things the BM does interferes with our plans and DH never says anything about it. We lived together for three years before we got married and have been married a couple of months. It seems like since we got married, it has gotten worse. This summer was really bad, the skids didn't go home at all this summer and when they tried to go home she would say that you just don't want them at your house, trying to make my DH feel guilty. She was still getting child support and she didn't offer to buy groceries or give them spending money when we went on vacation. I am a admin asst and he is a police officer so we are not rich by any means and this is a financial strain on our finances. I don't think I should have to contribute to the increase in household bills because skids are there all summer and because she doesn't want to be bothered. I need my money to take care of my own kids. I don't get any support from their father even though I have tried to get the cs order enforced numerous times. I finally got tired of taking off of work because he never showed up to court.I don't know if I can fake it though. I don't feel that I should have to hide the way I feel about what she does just because DH can't deal with it. DH doesn't mind having them extra because he is hardly around when they are there. They are there with me most of the time when they come to visit. You may be right...I maybe should not have married him. I knew this road would be hard, but I didn't think DH would let things get this out of hand. I have been on the other side of the fence when my Ex was getting the boys and had a GF that lived with him. I can honestly say, I never did the things that this BM does to us. The Skids wanted to live with us, but she wouldn't let them because she didn't want to give up the CS. I know this may seem a small issue to some, but BM has done other things to interfere that DH won't address.

Ah! I get it!

Then it sounds like your biggest problem is your hubby! You're not alone... lots of them just don't get it. You can ask Cruella to borrow her well-dented frying pan or I can lend you my rolling pin, but otherwise, it's really hard getting it through their skulls that ALL marriages, but especially REMARRIAGES, need boundaries to survive. They'd rather cave than put up a fight and sometimes that's okay. Sometimes they are just frustratingly oblivious. Sometimes you have to pick your battles. But it sounds like this is a constant problem for you, the lack of boundaries. I wish I had the answer to how to get your husband to set boundaries with his ex and then stick to them, but honestly, it's going to be like pulling teeth if he doesn't want to get on board. You have to tell him point blank in no uncertain terms what you NEED for this to work and then go from there.

His boys are old enough to do their own thing or stay home alone, so you shouldn't feel obligated to be there or do for them. You do YOUR thing and let your husband deal with the boys. And if you need some hope, look at the really big picture. You know what I do? I ask myself when things get hard, "Is this the man I want to grow old with? Is this who I want with me when the kids are grown and gone?" As long as I can say yes, I keep plugging away. Ask yourself that question and see what your heart tells you. If the answer is yes, then honey, you only have a short while to go before the boys are grown and (hopefully!) gone. In the meantime, you always have us...!

~ Anne ~

http://www.geocities.com/campaign4madison/C4M.html
Please join the Campaign to Save Madison!

Terrible

Get the times ironed out, even if you have to talk to the mother yourself. In fact, that may be best and stick to the times and take them home or to her work yourself. But let her know this will be the new rule, it won't go on any longer. As for summer comming up, talk to your husband and you might as well be honest and tell him they will not be able to come this summer to live. They primarily live with the mother so she will need to figure it out. Start telling them yourself that this summer is off so they don't get any ideas. Don't worry your almost home free especially with their ages.

here we go again....

desperateinalabama said one thing that is so relevant to me, that when her DH does nothing about setting boundaries she loses respect for him...sometimes you have to teach people how to respect you and when men don't ask for respect it is hard for us to respect them.

I am hearing it is not skids you resent but that someone else is calling the shots in your life and hubby is ok with that as long as he looks good to everyone,PROBLEM being he is looking less good in wife's eyes.
I have no answers of how to get a man to see the sense in teaching those around him to have respect for him and his relationship with his spouse.
Maybe some of us should play subliminal tapes during intimate moments or even just during their sleep, see if anything sinks in? Just going to extreme because if this question of how to solve this ever gets answered I am sure it will be end of the world! LOL

I just don't understand?????

I just don't understand what the big deal is. If this chidren are old enough to stay home alone why cancel dinner plans??? I am like Anne I welcome any extra time with SD6 actually we ask if we can have her more. If it is a money problem take her for modification of child support, keep record of when you have them. I know in our state child support is based on the amount of overnight visits the non custodial parent has. When something comes up the first person I ask to keep my boys is there dad it is only right he is their dad and is responsible for them too. Personally I don't stop being a mom because my kids aren't around and that is how it should be. It kinda sounds to me like maybe you are a little jealous over the time the skids take from you and your kids.

Live for today,you may not have a tommorow

No, I don't think so..

I am not jealous of SKids, I just don't think that BM should be allowed to interfere by using the Skids and that is exactly what she does. He says that it makes him feel bad because he is hardly there when they are there and when he is, he doesn't feel right going out with me and leaving them even if we did have plans. DH knows that I have a problem with this but is afraid if he says something about this to BM it will make her mad and she will make him look bad in Skids eyes. I feel this is BS and that they are old enough to know who really does care for them. I know he wants to look like the hero to SKids, but I want some peace within my home and within my marriage. I don't think that is too much to ask for. We could have some if he would just put his foot down and put BM in her place and stop letting her manipulate him. I told him that if he would truly go by the court order, she would give up the kids because she is not going to want to have them around all the time.

time to talk

I have always felt that the problems we have with my husbands kids was caused by the adults. For a long time I wanted them to live with us full time because then we would get to know them, have consistency in our home and be able to have a positive influence on their lives. If your stepkids like you and want to be at your home, I think you are lucky. They are also old enough to take care of themselves and be helpful around the house. It sounds like the ex, doesn't want the kids and neither do you. That is a terrible feeling for anyone. Imagine feeling unwanted. You could be the savior in their lives.

Most parents make huge sacrifices for their children and rarely get alone time. With four kids, it would be harder and harder. I think it is important to schedule time for yourselves. One thought I had was to just do as you would if you had his kids all the time. If you expect them to be with you then you won't be so mad. When my husband and I need time alone, we get a babysitter and go out. Your step kids are old enough to stay alone for awhile. Maybe your mother could come to your house and your husband and you could take a hotel room for the night.

I understand your feelings so I'm hoping by offering a new way to look at your life, you might find what you are looking for. In my experience, if I want something to change, I have to change myself. You two should probably talk about what is going on and how together you can meet all of your needs.

Not true

I understand that visitation can be one extreme to the other and there are instances where the Non custodial doesn't get enough time. I am okay with the SKids coming to live with us, but BM is not willing. So, I don't feel that we should allow her to interfere with our plans just because she wants the CS and not the kids. I don't feel she should be able to have her cake and eat it too at our expense is what I am saying. When they come, DH is hardly around so I am there. I don't feel right taking my kids to do things and not inviting his. If he knows that I plan on going somewhere, he says, don't you want to take your Skids with you so they won't be at home alone all day? I feel this is his responsibility if he allows her to interfere with our plans all the time.

yep

I was thinking another thought and that is that it feels debilitating to be powerless. If your own home is controlled by other people where can you go for sanctuary. I think my husband is wonderful but it may be men in general, they belly up too much. Our situation is different but if he had stood up to the ex, I think much of our difficulty would have been avoided. So, in my other comment, a talk/discussion is in order. I have found that getting a third party to discuss difficult conversations can help a lot. If you aren't together on a common course, it would be difficult for the biggest soul to change their look at things. So blend this comment and my other, your situation is complex. I have a feeling though that you can make this work. You married him for a reason, there are just a few pot holes that need to be filled. Good luck.

Are you living my life or am I living yours?

Desperate.....
I am telling you, this is erie!!!! I know this was a rather old post, but I felt compelled to comment. I have and AM going thru many of the same things with BM. I have 2 of my own kids that live with us. I have no drama from my ex because I chose not to. All of the drama comes from the BM. The only difference between you and I is my SD(15) is as manipulative as her mother. My SS (5) I adore! We had a simuliar situation where we had the Skids for our usual weekend. They were to go home on Sunday and then we were to get them back on Monday after school for the week so BM could go out of town for work. I asked DH all weekend about what time they were going home on Sunday because we both had seperate plans that night. Finally at dinner Sunday night DH informed me that he couldn't get hold of BM and asked SD if she had talked to her mother. When SD informed DH that BM already left out of town I was FURIOUS!!! When DH acted like it wasn't a big deal, asking me "well, what can I do about it now?" I was DONE. I informed him that if he had stood up to her the many other times over the last 5 years when she did this, it wouldn't be happening now. She only does what she knows she will get away with. Of course this escalated and I grabbed my 2 BK and left. I stayed in a hotel that night. This situation continues to this day which prompted my post "on my way to divorce?" When do WE, the CURRENT wives, get the benefit of the doubt? When does DH stick up for US instead of the ex? Anyone with that answer? If so you could be VERY rich!!!!

Nothing comes easy thats worth fighting for.....thats what they tell me!

I here ya...

Sometime i feel, like no matter what i say, the BM always wins.
When will it ever stop??

ALL i want when i decided to be in my relationship was hopefully to have a happy household, raise the kids, and live happily ever after.

Boy was i wrong!!

My spouse does defend and respect me, but when i try to give him advice on how to handle this woman, he totally disregards what i say, his quote "it'll never work"

This is not brain surgery people, its a another human being meddling in your happiness, You can take action and get this to stop, if men would grow some balls and sticking up for yourselves!!
Sorry so Blunt, just feel the urge to go off right now!

PLEASE be so BLUNT!!!

I was thinking the same thing!!! When I chose to marry my DH I thought that we would have a happy household as well. I thought we both had the same values that we wanted to raise the kids by, and that we would make a great "team". We are a pretty good team when it comes to my BK that live with us. He parents them, deciplines them, and treats them like he would his own......NOT!!!! His daughter can do no wrong and heaven forbid he puts the same standards on her that he puts on my BD, like the rules about boys, talking on the phone, or even going out.....and keep in mind, there is a 3 year difference between the 2 girls!

I also get that whole, "It wouldn't work" crap from DH. Yes, they need to grow some balls with their ex's.....the same ones they try to swing around US!!!!

Nothing comes easy thats worth fighting for.....thats what they tell me!

ex has the power

not that it is right but the ex's (or more to the point our S/O) give the ex's the power.
ex's have the kids and that is all consuming. The ex's JUSTIFIED in entering into our lives cuz it is THEIR kids. which is total bull cah cah...
we have NO power unless the S/O puts their foot down, they also need to NOT parent guilt is a toxic combination!
it is inconcievable to me that there is so much of this out there!!
there has to be classes for ex's and steps...

sign me up!!

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

ex has the power

sign me up!!

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

SIGN ME UP TOO!!!!

I've got a good one for you. The BM called MY husband last year to ask if MY kids could go with her out of town with her and her kids. First, they are MY kids, don't you think it would be wise to ask ME? Second, I think she sucks as a mother so, sure I would LOOOVE to send my kids with her. Third, she just wanted a babysitter.......my BS is 8 years older than my SS so he could keep him busy and my BD is 3 years older than my SD so she could watch them all. Do I have STUPID written across my forehead? So I called her myself to nicely discuss, when, what, for how long, and why.....to which she said she would call me back and let me know. What was the result?.....she told DH nevermind, and to tell me not to communicate with her anymore, she would rather just deal with him. HA!!!!! Yes!!!! SIGN ME UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nothing comes easy thats worth fighting for.....thats what they tell me!

I felt so strongly

about it I posted TWICE !!
sorry
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

HA!!!!!HA!!!!!!!!

How about being a NURSE and never listened to when it comes to the kids being sick? My SD had Bronchitis. DH husband took her to the Dr so BM could work.....awwww....that was nice eh? anyway.....My BS has asthma so I told DH that SD shouldn't come to our house for the 4 days (the 2 days she wasn't going to school and our weekend). Why expose 5 other people to her illness right? (not to mention I have a heart condition that sickness exacerbates) That would be too like right.....BM has plans that she won't change and I don't know what I am talking about.......SD is not contagious because she is not on antibiotics.......in the words of crayon "BAH"!!!!! Ok, so BS ended up with pneumonia and on antibiotics, prednisone(steriods) and nebulizer treatments every 4 hours (the same nebulizer her hasn't needed for the last 3 years) add on this a week off school. My BD ended up with an upper respiratory and bilateral ear infections and on antibiotics and home for 3 days, and I had bronchitis, having to take off 3 days myself and be put back on heart medication. Lets not talk about the added cost of Dr visits and medication and the time off WORK. Of course DH sailed by without as much as a sniffle. But who am I? I ONLY went to school majoring in medicine right? BAH!!!! BTW, we are all STILL trying to get over this while SD is all healthy and FINE! whewwwwww.....breathe girl breathe.....

BAH!

BTW crayon.....I am sorry but you nearly made me bust a gut when you said "(WELL IT BUGS THE HELL OUT OF ME. . DOES THAT COUNT FOR ANYTHING; OBVIOUSLY NOT!!!!)" in the words of my brother...."BRILIANT!"

BAH!

Nothing comes easy thats worth fighting for.....thats what they tell me!

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