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Blending a family is hard..

Lavender4414's picture

Hey I haven’t been posting for quite some time, almost a year now.  For the most part everything has been going so well and I haven’t  needed much venting and support. FH worked through a lot of stuff and set a lot of boundaries that helped our relationship.  Last month we got engaged and naturally things have been less than ideal.

First, BM’s reaction was to cry and act surprised. (even thought she left FH in their home with two babies 5 years ago for another man). 

Second, my future SS has not been happy about the engagement or wedding plans. He is almost 7 and will cry and say he feels sad for his mother and demand that we invite her to the wedding at any mention of marriage.  He cries to my FH and says that his mommy will be sad if he marries me. 

Tonight FH and I exchanged a happy “I can’t wait to marry you” moment and future SS stated that he was in fact not happy. 

I understand the pain SS is feeling but I have no idea how to handle this.  I find myself whispering about my wedding and feeling nervous about the whole thing. FH has tried to talk to him but is also ridden with guilt.  I hate to say it but he -and BM definitely let the kids dictate most things.

Ive mentioned this often but it’s sucha sensitive topic.  I’ve also tried to reach out to BM who gave me an “it’s okay if he’s upset” reaction.  I felt she missed my point . Obviously it’s okay he’s upset.. but if his main concern is his mothers feelings..wouldn’t a mother want to ease his pain if you could?

Im a strong woman. I manage a lot and troubleshoot through many difficult circumstances and we’ve come out on top. But Wedding planning has been less than exciting and actually a little depressing. I can’t imagine our day with his two children being there. Anyone else have a similar circumstance turn out ok?  All step-mom advice seems so bleak!

SteppedOut's picture

So, given ss is 7 and she left 5 years ago... ss does not even remember when his parents were together... I guess her thing with the man she left with didn't work out and she is single now? 

Clearly this is coming directly from BM and my opinion is abusive for her to be making her son feel like this.

It would be completely horrible if the kid(s) were crying and carrying on at your wedding. Ugh. 

Sorry you feel as though all step-mom advice is bleak... people are being honest. Me? I left because it was horrible. 

Best of luck. 

Lavender4414's picture

No he has no memory of them together. His sister who is 8 and half doesn't  really remeber them together either but she has alot of memories of her father's heartache and stress and she actually loves the idea of us and getting married.  BM was with her man for a while but they are on and off these days. To be honest, I don't know all the details but it's likely not a healthy relationship. She also made comments to my FH last year about getting back together. I know she has regrets about her life choices.

I definetly feel like BM is behind this.  Thank you for your honesty I know it is horrible and hard. If FH wasn't worth it I would be running for the hills.

Rags's picture

First, why do the kids and BM even know?  They are all manipulative and toxic and should not know anything about your wedding.  In fact, I would head to Belize and get married in the Jungle by a witch doctor and not tell anyone.  We had a former member do what with her DH.

FDH has to stop catering to his X for sure and also needs to define what he will tolerate from him son regarding the emotionallhy manipulative crap.  And he needs to make the consequences so painful fot both BM and SS that the knock their crap off.

Elope.  And enjoy your wedding together.  The size of the event has zero bearing on the quality of the commitment.  My first wedding was an expensive monstrosity that cost $25K+.  It lasted 2.5 years.  My amazing bride and I eloped. The whole thing cost $500 and we celebrated our 25th anniversary  a couple of months ago. Eloping was definately a better bang for the buck.

 

 

 

Lavender4414's picture

I agree!!! This is my second wedding as well. I don’t want anything big at all, just close friends and family. I  envisioned my future skids there and so does FH.

It appears it might not happen though. We were planning on next fall but its hard to plan anything when SS is acting this way. 

I guess I have to decide where to elope to! 

 

shamds's picture

He has a few videos on the page and one of the first is about when he and his wife told the kids they were marrying, all the daughters started telling them that they decided mummy and their dad shouldn’t marry

steve harvey said he was not going to be told by children what he can or can’t do with his life when they have no life or relationship  skills whatsoever... he’s really blunt with his words. Have a look at it... ss7 should not be guilting you all and creating unnecessary drama.

its finally hit him mummy and daddy won’t ever be togeher again

 

tog redux's picture

Never ever tell BM and kids about your wedding. This was a predictable reaction. Just schedule the day on your visitation time and do it without her or the kids' knowledge.  The kids find out when they arrive for their time with you. It takes away BM's power to use this to manipulate, alienate the kids, and interfere in your lives.

FH needs to quit feeling guilty (for what? moving on when BM left him?) and sit his son down. Tell him that you two are getting married no matter how he feels, and that it's not his job to worry about BM's feelings and needs. Then tell BM she can feel how she likes but quit burdening the kid with her feelings.

You say he's made progress, but this is a test of just how much.

Lavender4414's picture

Thank you. I agree with you that FH needs to step up to the plate. It’s causing a lot of friction right now. It’s a long running joke that FH likes to take “the scenic route” when setting boundaries and making such progress. Whereas I see things right away and have an idea how to address it.. he takes a while to get there. He does always get there though. 

Its hard to keep any plans from skids. They are with us a lot of the time.  I agree with everyone that we should have just eloped and kept quiet.. I mentioned it many times to FH prior to our engagement but wanted he  to do things more traditionally with a surprise proposal etc. It was romantic and I’m so happy but now the attention has proven to make things very difficult. 

tog redux's picture

DH and I eloped without anyone knowing except our two best friends, who were our officiant and our witness.  We had a dinner for friends and family about 6 months later, but we didn't tell SS (then 13) until we pulled into our driveway and he noticed his uncle's car there. We had a nice shirt and pants for him ready to go.  He was happy we got married, but we had zero doubt that BM would have pulled some shenanigans to keep him away, so we didn't bother letting him know. He was briefly upset that we eloped (as was my mother) but they both got over it.

Unfortunately, sometimes you can't do what you want when there is a crazy BM in the picture.

hereiam's picture

First, BM’s reaction was to cry and act surprised. (even thought she left FH in their home with two babies 5 years ago for another man). 

Oh my God, these women. "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you, either. You should remain at my beck and call forever, while I go about doing as I please." Give me a break.

You have been living together, why even mention getting married? For some reason, it seems to wreak havoc in these situations. Was SS upset when you moved in?

SS demands that his mother be invited? Your FH needs to shut that down, I don't care how guilty he feels (and about what, exactly, does he feel guilty about?).

SS is obviously getting this from his mother, how else would he know that she's upset about it? BM doesn't care about her son being upset, she only cares that it's affecting you and your FH.... and it is.

 

Lavender4414's picture

She really is very selfish. I plot seems to thicken every day. 

SS wasn’t upset when I moved in, but it was of course an adjustment period.  

Maybe guilt is the wrong word but FH just feels horrible that his children may be hurting and I think he just tried to shield them from any further pain. He doesn’t realize that often times he’s doing them a disservice. 

ESMOD's picture

My SD's were 8 and 11 when we got married.. they did not come with us on our destination wedding. No one did.

It was great.. snorkling.. bar hopping.. fishing.. on a tropical island for a week.  

We had both had the "white dress experience".. zero need to waste money on that.

I think there is some fantasy that there will be some touching moment when the adults and kids all make vows to "be a family".. but in reality.. that isn't reality.

Plan your getaway marriage.. without the kids.. go enjoy yourselves.. plan it when the kids aren't there.. plan it while sitting at your desk at work..lol.  

MissTexas's picture

vote or voice in the matter. Only the 2 adults planning to marry get to vote.

You know BM is working her torrid "magic" against you through her kid.

People get married all the time, against the wishes of others.

When DH and I married, we didn't tell any of our kids (adults), we booked an appointment with the pastor and had 2 friends out as witnesses.

The simpler you keep this, the happier you will begin your lives together.

The more involved, the more stressful it will be.

When it's all said and done, a ceremony will have happened, and a marriage will begin.

Nobody else gets input. Period. End of story.

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Sit down with him and have a discussion.

Who is going to come first here? Your son, or me? 

Not suggesting that the son is excluded in any way, but if he takes his son before you on anything, you'll forever live in a house of two families. You and your husband, and your husband and his son.

Families where the parents take for each other, and then the kids, work. It creates an inseparable team. Parents who favor their children over each other, I feel, rarely work.