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Blended family molestation...

pseudo_stepmom's picture

So, I don't need to be judged here, but I need to vent & some advice for maybe someone who has been through this before.

My 12-year old SS sexually abused my 7-year old daughter. She told me & I told my husband. He brought the SS over to the house & my DH and I sat down & questioned him about what happened. I was furious. I couldn't hide my distrust & disgust when he looked at me. He did cry during the confrontation, I didn't yell, but I did inform him that what he did was against the law (he claimed to not know about it being illegal). I did tell him flat out that if he was ANYONE else, besides my ss, I would report his ass in a second....even though I probably should have reported it in hindsight, it would've caused soooo many more issues with my DH Sad I made the mistake of telling my sister & mother, after I told my DH I wouldn't tell anyone what happened. As a punishment for the SS, I had DH inform BM of what happened with her son & my DD.

Somehow, 2 days before SS is supposed to show up for the weekend, with the 3 other Skids, I get a call from CPS. My daughter needs to be interviewed by them before she is supposed to be around SS again. My husband is livid (and that's describing it lightly). He hasn't talked to me for 2 days becuase I couldn't keep my mouth shut. He says he cant trust me now. I really really hope that it was the BM trying to be manipulative again, turning it into CPS (like...a way that the SS won't be allowed over here anymore because she hates having the kids visit their father), or I thought it might be BM's new husband, he absolutely despises the SS that did this, so i thought maybe a way to get him in super trouble would be to do this. I don't know who did it & the cps worker couldn't tell me of course.

I guess it's really hard for me to accept the fact that my DH is upset with ME for something his SS did...yes, i broke his trust by talking to my mother & sister, but at the same time, his son is the one who started this whole mess. This whole mess is because of HIS SON! He really doesn't like me telling him that. I think the ss needs major counseling, there was a little incident with his own sister like a year ago, and he couldn't share a room with her anymore, and had to switch with one of his brothers. I think before it gets to be a bigger habit, ahd before he does it to another child, he NEEDS THE HELP. I think it's a good thing.

I never had any intentions that when I talked to my sister/mother that they would possibly be responsible for reporting it.

I have no idea what the normal procedure for this kind of thing is...or what will happen to the SS...anyone have any news/advice/anything for me?

hismineandours's picture

Um, yeah, your dh should have reported it himself! This is not something you cover up and I personally think it is awesome that someone reported it to CPS. Your ss needs treatment. I feel like your dh is taking this way too lightly. He does not need to be around your daughter in any sort of unsupervised setting until he gets and completes treatment. Meaning he cant be around your daughter for even 5 minutes unsupervised. Meaning if he is going ot continue visits-you should put an alarm on his door so he cant leave his room at night without you being aware of it.

Your dh is not only putting your daugher and the other kids at risk-he is hurting his own son by trying to cover this up and not get him the help he needs. YOU should be the one that is livid over his behavior.

StubbornEnough's picture

Castrate the little shit.

How DARE your hubby be mad at you!

Every time a person gets away with molesting, they think it is ok, and they do it again.

It is not EVER ok. EVER.

It destroys the victim's life. Your daughter will have life-long problems from this. Get her in counselling RIGHT NOW, and ASSURE her that it is not her fault, and it is NOT ok.

I speak from experience. My 18 year old DD suffers every day from what was done to her at age 7.

StubbornEnough's picture

Just the mere mention of her molester's name sends my DD in to fits of anxiety. She has terrible nightmares about him.

I can't imagine ever having him in the same town as her, let alone the same house. BE REAL! If someone sexually assaulted you, would you want to have dinner with him?

He needs to stay away. Put your daughter first.

Sorry for being so blunt, but I am very passionate about this subject.

hismineandours's picture

Yes, i think your dh needs to visit his son elsewhere until he has completed some intensive treatment. Only then would I consider having him back in my house. Actually, If I ever found out that my ss13 did something like this I'd probably kick his ass. I would never ever allow him to set foot in my house no matter how intense his treatment was.

cant win for losin's picture

OMG!!!!!! Im not going to get into what you shouldve done, or what should have been done. Im not gonna berate you over the why didnt's you, what's done is done.
I just want to say that YOU need to take ALL and ANY steps necessary to protect your daughter from this boy, FOREVER! I also strongly urge, and plead that you get counseling for yourself and her. I dont need to know the degree of abuse that was placed upon her, ABUSE IS ABUSE! IS ABUSE! The counseling, not only for the abuse but also because this was by a family member who lives/stays in the same home. Plus the fact that you did tell your mom and sister, speaks volumes. That sats to me that you need someone professional to talk to. (I recommend it for all the family actually)
Your dh reaction hits too close to home for me. CPS was called for an incident involving ss (thankfully not my dd) for some questionable stuff. DH (and cp) was more frickin concerned on trying to figure out, "who called" instead of "how can we make sure this never happens again?" The incident left me uneasy and upset. The voice in my gut that said a year prior "dont trust this boy" is now SCREAMING "really dont trust him and protect dd so nothing could even think of happening with her!"
If you were my sister or daughter and told me that, i would have called CPS too. I have a right to protect my niece/granddaughter too. Just sayin. And the fact this boy has a track record, send shivers up my spin.
Protect her, help her.
And i hope ss gets help to, obviously by his actions, he was proably a victim by someone else's hands.

pseudo_stepmom's picture

He hasn't been to our house since it happened, I"m relieved deep down that a call & report was made. I'm not strong enough to put our marriage on the line to make the call myself, I know I need to protect my daughter & that's why I confronted my SS.

I am so torn with the situation. I really don't know WHAT TO DO!!! I've made myself so sick to the point where I've been throwing up about it since last night after her initial interview with cps & I've had headaches beyond belief. I have a feeling if the suggestions to keep them apart are put in place it might mean the end of my marriage and that KILLS ME. I understand my DH's point of view to an's his own son, and his daughter (well, technically not his blood-daughter, but he took on the role as her father from the day he met her, when she was 2) she only knows him as "dad".

I don't want my marriage to end, but I can't trust that little shit as far as I can throw him. I don't feel comfortable with the idea of him being in the house. The BM's response is that she doesn't think they need to be separated at all, that he just needs more supervision. When it happened, it wasn't just them alone. I don't like anyone alone with my daughter actually, I don't allow it just cuz I'm a nervous person in general. All of the children were playing games on the xbox & computer when it happened. If i can't trust him when there are other people around, how in the world can i trust him in the house at all?

I am just upset to the bone & don't know how to proceed.

pseudo_stepmom's picture

Your response makes me want to cry. In a good way and in a bad way. But I know if he can't come to terms with his son being punished for this and getting treatment, then we can't be together. He has begun to tell me that I haven't wanted to be involved when the sk's are over for a while now, (i've tried to disengage a little bit) and now i have a very good reason to not be involved & to leave when they're around.

It's just a heartbreaking situation and I am hurt with every little comment my DH makes about my family being the enemy now. He doesn't know for sure who called, but he'd believe his ex-wife over me....kinda stings.

StepOnMe101's picture

If your husband would choose his MOLESTOR son over YOU, and break up your marriage because his son couldn't be around your daughter, why the hell would you want to be married to this man anyways?

arjuna79's picture

speaking as an incest survivor. You know what's even worse than enduring that violation? The aftermath, when the adults in your life either figure out how to stand by you and recreate a safe, inviolable space for you, or they don't (or can't). Your daughter is amazing for telling you. You needed support in carrying this burden and naturally turned to your sister and mother. Men are notoriously frozen incapable by these situations. Please get yourselves to therapy. Find someone familiar with dealing with this with young children, so your daughter can get help, and you and your H can work through your own processes and support her! She needs to know this was not her fault.
And keep SS out of the house.

pseudo_stepmom's picture

And my DH definitely goes out of his way to protect this particular SS because he has the guilty father thing going on...and this kid is the only one that stands up to his BM the way DH wishes they all would. He constantly sticks up for him in situations where another child would be punished severely. Thinking about the SS makes me want to strangle him. I think I definitely need some sort of counseling to deal with being around the child again if i have to.

does anyone know if counseling is available to ME & DH through cps with this kind of investigation? I wouldn't even mind a whole FAMILY counseling session...but we are tight on money at the time...extremely tight & I can't afford to pay for my own counseling. Sad

Redsonya's picture

Wow - I don't want to make things harder on you, but your DD will always remember that YOU didn't stand up for her loud and clear and call the police yourself. At this point, if your DH is that big of an A-hole, you have nothing to protect in terms of a marraige. If your relationship with your daughter means anything to you - get a backbone. I am telling you this from experience. I went through something similar and my mom and I went almost 15 years without talking. I absolutely hated her for not being stronger.

skylarksms's picture

My Grandmother's boyfriend tried to molest me and my little cousin when we were pretty young.

I told my mother and she told me, "Quit telling lies like that about people!"

Our relationship has never been the same.

branmuffin97's picture

A neighbor of mine, mother of 6, had an incident where her 10yo son and 8yo daughter "fooled around". I was never told exactly what happened..but it came out, was reported by school and DFS became involved. Her son was removed from the home instantly. He lived with his grandparents because he couldn't be around kids. The whole family had weekly therapy and each kid had their own as well. It took a year for them to reunite as a family. The only reason it was allowed was because the age gap wasn't so great that he was deemed a predator..and apparently how the incident unfolded didn't involve him forcing her.

I think I would pretty much prepare myself for the dissolution of my marriage..because I could never require my daughter to be anywhere near her violator.

stired_crazy's picture

I went thru the same incident when I was 6 by my fathers step brother who was older(20 yrs)
My grandfather threw his SS out altho I recall a big arguement between my parents and my dads parent, I recall after SS was thrwon out he directly walked over to my grandfathers car and bashed out windows.
Anyways, he got put in a home and my parents seeked inpatient counseling for me, and I lived at this place for 2 1/2 years, attended school in this building " Everything".
If my parents did not seek me the help I needed after the trauma I was exsposed to and put thru theres no telling how I would of turned out as a adult.
As for me now I am 38 yrs old, and I am not haunted by that incident because I did get help, infact it hardly ever crosses my mind until I read something such as this.
Seek your daughter help and you to so you can cope with your hurt over this too, as for SS I would not let him back over until he has been helped professonally too.
Your hubby needs to except what his son has done and realize he can not be trusted until his son is well and seeked medical help, plus he needs to look out for your daughter too.

pseudo_stepmom's picture

I'm glad to see that there is a way to overcome this and that you're not directly affected by what happened to you on a regular basis. Did your parents have to have counseling too? Did you ever have any therapy sessions with them? or just by yourself?

sixteensmom's picture

I keep coming back to this post. I write a response then delete and move on. Then I come back and do it again. So I'm just going to spit it out and post this time.

This isn't about who told. It's not about your marriage or how your dh feels or if you broke your promise to him or if your family is the enemy or if he believes bm over you. Its not about the ss being the only one to stand up to bm or if you're sick and throwing up.. This entire situation is ONLY about your daughter and what shes been through and that you commit to supporting her and keeping her safe and make certain she knows you are unconditionally on her side.

beyond pissed-off's picture

I have no desire to beat you up. However, I do need to chime in with a warning. Please be very careful of what you do in the next few days and weeks. Your daughter will remember everything you do and say for the rest of her life.

My mother put her fear of being alone ahead of my physical and emotional wellbeing. I still have scars from it to this day - literally. Although I left home at 17, I never forgave her for being so weak and selfish. Her excuse was that she needed to save her marriage. I had very limited contact from 17 to 25 and at 25 cut off all contact. I was 43 when she died and had not spoken to her in 18 years.

I have spent my life with my mother as an example of what NOT to be as a woman. Please do not give your daughter reason to view you in this way.

stired_crazy's picture

Well, I had continual counseling because I lived ina place at the time that was called C.P.H ( Childrens personal hosptal), my parents lived about 2 hours away from where I was at. They did attend counseling sessions but not with me there so they would know how to help me but also on how to help how they felt.

My sessions were seperate, as I remember them having me play with toys and the couselor would just sit back and take notes..because little kids are innocent so they act out events that has hurt them.
This place was awsume and they did alot of things with us too, like camping and we would go trips, it was VERY structured and tons of staff there, in which each child assighned a personal staff.

I can recall beng angry when I first got there and was acting out, fighting and with staff where I had to be properly restrained, I didnt know how I should feel this was my way of hurt.

They were so patient and loving, and it took awhile for me to learn to cope with what happened, and being away from home was hard but had to be done so I got the help I needed.

Disneyfan's picture

This the second time SS has done this. It was not reported the first time. Sadly, CPS may remove the kids from both homes.

Your DH didn't protect his own daughter, there's no way he will protect your child.

ctnmom's picture

Please Psuedo, PLEASE listen to these smart ladies! I have a very good friend (she's my hero actually) who is an incest survivior, her father raped her and countless other family members. As an OP said, the worst part of it was the family cover up. Seriously, you're going to let SS within 10 miles of DD? My friend said everytime she was in her father's presence she felt like jumping out of her skin. He died last year and she went and danced on his grave. (I'm not joking.) Now that DFS is involved, are you willing to lose your daughter for DH and SS? God help you. Sorry, but if you're willing for you poor precious daughter's abuser to be anywhere near her, you should let her go live with your mom or sister. Who fullfilled thier moral and civic responsibility if they WERE the ones that reported SS.

Anonymous_stepmom's picture

I cannot believe your DH is mad at you for this! It was his son who violated your daughter! Does he not understand the severity of this issue? The child has done this before? It SHOULD be reported! How on earth would your DH feel if it were his son that was molested? My brother was a victim and didn't say anything for years, he attempted to kill himself twice and he still has scars from it. Please get your daughter some therapy so she can work through this, it's no laughing matter and I know you understand this but clearly your husband does not. If it were me in this position and my SO was angry with me for saying something I would have already left, you are more loyal then I would be in this situation. By your DH acting angry with you and wanting to keep this a secret it's like him saying it's okay what his son did and it is NOT!

skylarksms's picture

You are worried about whether your marriage will survive. Why would you WANT to stay in a marriage with a guy who is making YOU out to be the bad person WHEN HIS OWN SON IS A SEXUAL PREDATOR!??

StepOnMe101's picture

So your husband thinks ignoring the situation and pretending it never happened is the appropriate thing to do? Sounds to me like your SS is heading down a pedophile path. Many pedophiles are documented to have stated they started to have sexual feelings towards children younger than them when they were still children themselves. Shame on your husband for making you out to be the bad guy. He should AGREE that his son should be punished for this disgusting act. And this is the second time? He molested his OWN sister? If I were you I would tell your husband you were devastated by the circumstances and had no one to talk to but your Mother and Sister. How can he not sympathize with you? What did he expect you to do? Just feel comfortable living in your home with this evil boy knowing what he did to your child? Sick...just sick. If your husband doesn't let up on you and start seeing your point of view and understanding that what was done by calling CPS was the right thing to do and SHOULD have been done IMMEDIATELY then I would seriously consider leaving him.

Disneyfan's picture

Let's not forget the SD. Hopefully she gets the help that she will need as well.

If not,she may grew up renting her BPs,SPs, her brother and maybe even her stepsister. She may think that none of the adults in her life cared enough to do anything when it happened to her. However, as soon as her brother abused their stepsister, something was done.

I hope everyone involved can heal from the pain one kid has caused so many others.

Gabriels Mom's picture

WOW First of all I'm very sorry for your situation.

As for your counseling request. Find a family services center they usually do a sliding payment scale.

As for your situation not trying to make you feel worse....YOU should have called the police immediately. If my husband had told me we would keep it a secret I would have punched him in the face. I love my husband and I will do whatever I have to make our marriage kids are still more important than him. Sorry. If I have to live without him to keep my kids safe then so be it. He knows it and feels the same way.

Now if you need to put it into perspective for your husband you can tell him like I told my god daughter's idiotic father. Imagine the guy that works in the office across from you (insert whatever image you need, cubicle, whatever, just make sure he visualizes it) you see him through the glass everytime you look up. Now that guy rapes you and your boss tells you we're going to keep it a secret and you still have to see that guy every time you look up every single day at work...

Yea he got it...if that doesn't work then you pack yours and your daughter's things and leave. Sorry your kids are more important. If you have to go to Social Services and get a housing voucher and food stamps to make then you do it. Nothing should be more important than your daughter NOTHING!

I hope y'all get treatment and right away. I hope your DH sees the light if not you don't need him honey.

ctnmom's picture

It's not even that the kids are "more important" or "less important" than the husbands, it's that they totally depend on us for thier well being. And we are morally and legally obligated to keep them safe. If I suddenly became abusive, or put the kids in harms way, my DH would take the kids away from me by any means necessary, and vice versa.

StorybookGirl's picture

Several things I want to say to this.

First off, what you and your family are going through is pretty horrible. I can't imagine the sheer volume of emotions that you are all wrestling with right now.

That said, you need to take a big step backwards and take a few deep breaths. You're running on adrenaline and it's getting you no where because there are a lot of really ugly, jagged edges in this mess and if you keep flailing, you will just help make them cut faster and deeper. Your daughter told you something happened that she felt was wrong. The response she got was basically a lot of hush-hush. You need to sit her down and talk to her about how she feels about what's been going on since she told about her step brother molesting her. She needs to know that this is a situation you are addressing.

Another thing to consider, and I know this might be hard for you and others to do, but consider the possibility that your stepson has been/is being sexually molested himself. This does not condone or excuse the behavior, but if he has been abused or is still being abused, he is acting out what he's been shown and he's a lot more messed up than being a simple "pedophile." Though technically I don't think a child can be labelled a pedophile.

You may need to try and get you and your husband into a counselor. You are BOTH dealing with a lot of really massive emotions. Your husband is mad because he thinks he's been betrayed, but honestly, YOU are becoming the scapegoat for something he doesn't know how to process. The longer that goes on, the worse it is going to be for your relationship. Another thing you need to try and accept is that this might be the end of your marriage, but honestly, that doesn't make it the end of the world. The sooner you and your husband, and frankly all the kids that ever exist in that household, get into counseling the better. You are all going to need it.

You cannot unring the bell. No matter who told, it NEEDED to be told. You can't just sweep behavior like this under the rug, think you can just watch over everything really carefully, and it is going to go away. This is a disturbed little boy, whether he's been molested himself or not, and if this is his second known incident he is not going to stop. Not addressing the seriousness of the situation when it first happened is a demerit to both you and your husband. If you dwell on that, you'll never get beyond the rest.

step-mom23's picture

I had this same problem with ss14 and my dd10. We eventually moved ss14 out of our home. You have every right to speak out for your DD to family or whoever you so choose. It's not as if you posted it on face book you told the immediate family. This is not something that should be kept hush hush anyway. Anyone who watches him should know to keep a little closer eye on him. Cps got involved in our case too and in the end it was sacrifice the one or they would take all the others (3SK and 3BK SK live with us full time)because we were knowingly putting the others at risk. SS14 is now living with grandparents with minimal contact with younger children. Your DH loves your DD but your step son is his bio and he has to try to protect both. Please don't take offense but you need to look out for DD as number one because as much as I'm sure DH loves her he's trying to protect his son too.