BF sleeping with 13 y.o. SS tonight instead if me?
I'm not sure if I come from a strange family, or what but when I was growing up mom and dad, husband and wife, boyfriends and girlfriends always slept with each other. I never seen an instance where an adult would sleep with their child unless under extuenuating circumstances like on trips in hotel rooms to save the kids from killing each other in the other bed.
My BF and I are currently in the middle of blending our families and houses. Currently our boys (his 13 mine 4) only are at the house 1 day every 2 weeks together so we have managed to avoid them having to share a room because all summer we have been vacationing on those days. Tonight we have both. They will be moving into a new room together, with bunk beds but for now it's just been a non issue because they could share the same room and bed without it impacting the other.
So yesterday my BF asked me what we should do tonight for sleeping arrangements and he said maybe I could sleep with my son and he sleep with his son. I said at this point that I don't agree with sleeping with our kids. That we are the parents. We don't displace one another for the kids. It then led to a discussion on how he expects to go on a boys camping vacation every year with his son on a long weekend. And my response was well that is sort of exclusive and would make the rest of us left out. In the end I conceded to a boys weekend not in the summer and not camping (something I also love).
Again, I don't believe in separate vacations. Sure boys can do boys things. I too will have one on one time with my son once in a while but I don't feel like excluding part of the family unit from a vacation is "healthy".
At this point I'm looking for perspective. My BF decided to go ahead and plan his sleepover with his son without my knowledge. So I'm laying here in bed alone stewing. I put my 4 yo son on a pull out couch, snuggled and kissed him goodnight. Expecting his son to sleep in the bed. And my BF to sleep in our bed. Didn't happen. Instead he just said "this is happening whether you like it or not." And when I got upset he said I was acting crazy.
I am really not sure what to think here...
You're not acting crazy, and
You're not acting crazy, and it's weird for a 13 year old boy to sleep with his dad. Sure, if they're camping it makes sense, but not at home when his dad has a girlfriend waiting for him in his bed.
Personally, I would have no issue with my DH going on a camping trip with just his kids. Even if the family is blended, I think it's good for a kid to have one on one time with the bio parent. Now, if that ate the entire vacation budget or you didn't also get to go on a vacation with your BF, that would be different.
I think your BF is showing you that he doesn't care about your wants or needs. Seems like it's his way or the highway. I'd say that's the biggest issue here.
Thank you…
For your perspective. I sincerely appreciate it. I didn't think I was being crazy over the whole sleeping situation. Now, he did end up coming to bed around 11:30pm. I guess he realized he was either out of line or just how serious I was about it being a deal breaker.
Thanks for the perspective on the separate vacations. I will definitely be more open to it as we still have time and money left for adult and whole family vacations. Although a weekend camping trip is prettt cheap so I doubt it will break the bank.
I am also going to make sure we insist on separate date nights with our respective kids. It's been hard with covid lately but hopefully things will turn around and we can have somewhat of a normal social life again.
I am reconsidering our living arrangements now though. The boys would only be in the same room one 2 days a month but perhaps that's 2 days too many a month. We are currently in the middle of Renovating so at the moment their room isn't setup like we were going to with bunk beds. Now maybe we just won't do that at all. Definitely something to discuss. We honestly seen no issue because they would rarely be in the same room together.
Was his son feeling aprehensive about sharing the room with your
Was his son feeling apprehensive about sharing the room with your son? Maybe there was more to the situation that made your SO not want the boys to share the room quite yet?
You may not "believe" in separate vacations, but I don't think there is anything wrong with your boyfriend going camping with just his son. They need time alone, without you and your son. Blending takes time, especially when there is such a large difference in age between the boys.
There's nothing wrong with a
There's nothing wrong with a boys camping vacation every year. My mom and I used to take a long weekend every year without the rest of our family. What's wrong is making an unrelated set of boys with a large age difference share a room. I wouldn't want my four year old sharing with an unrelated teen.
Wrong order...
These issues should have been worked out and discussed before y'all moved in together. Now, that y'all have done it - there is little recourse when your boyfriend blows you off. I don't think the boys should share a room. Get a bigger place - the kids shouldn't be an afterthought in the domestic arrangement. Blending cannot be commanded - and it is unlikely in light of the age difference here. The camping trip is no problem- the 14 yo is allowed to have time alone with his dad.
Just my personal take:
Just my personal take:
The camping with his teen son would be ok with me, unless there were other couples or women/families going and i felt like he was excluding me and my child for personal reasons. But a guys' camping trip with just him and his son or other men and their sons would be ok with me.
The sleeping with his teen son - weird. Was the issue that he didn't want his son sharing a room with a 4-year-old? I get that, but i would think he would have addressed that sooner. It's not ideal, for the teen for privacy reasons and for the 4-year-old for safety reasons. By safety reasons i don't just mean harm from the teen (you never know), but possibly the teen's friends, or if the teen has something in his room that could be dangerous for the 4-year-old like razors or meds or whatever.) You mentioned a pull out bed? Would it be possible to give them their own space in your home?
If that's not the issue, and he just enjoys sleeping with his teenage son, that's weird AF. And if that is the issue, he needs to use his words and tell you how he feels instead of just bedding down with his son. Just my opinion.
Ma'am, there is NO way I
Ma'am, there is NO way I would shack up with this guy. Until this is fixed.
Since you put this out there for perspective, are you unable to support yourself right now? Is that why you are moving in together?
Is the 13 year old disabled in any way? WHAT is your bf reasons to co-sleep with him.
This is not normal. Be careful before you move in your stuff. NOPE NOPE NOPE.
Throw this rotten fish back,
Throw this rotten fish back, he's no good and it won't improve
Update
So last night BF did come back to our bed at 11:30pm. He was in a weird mood but he still said goodnight. I love you. Gave me a kiss and we were mostly "ok" despite some intense tension. When I asked him why he had come to bed after all he said that his son had fallen asleep so he came to bed. So, either he knew he was out of line or he knew just how serious I was about standing my ground on this issue. This morning before work he still hugged and kissed me goodbye but things just feel off now. I have scheduled a telephone couples counseling appointment to go over some issues like this, and how to better bring our families together.
With respect to the separate vacation I appreciate everyone's thoughts and comments. It made me definitely reconsider my thoughts. I will definitely be more open to time for just the two of them, and maybe I'll go for a spa weekend somewhere for some me time *biggrin*
We will also have to discuss the sharing of rooms. We thought It was not going to be an issue seen as how they would only be physically in the same room 2 nignts a month. Neither of the boys really cared either. They were looking forward to cool custom made bunk beds. But we will explore our other options. We are in the middle of renovating the basement and once that is done in a couple weeks we will discussing getting the boys setup in two separate rooms.
Hi
Up until about a month ago my SD would sleep in the bed if I was having a night away with friends, shes 10, i have boys 10/12 I wouldnt sleep with them in my bed, its just not right in my view. She ten always begged to sleep on our floor on weekends, he would make it a film night. I got to a point I couldnt carry on and we had a discussion, i said I don't think its right at that age, its too old and she doesn't get to sleep in our room anymore.
I would be even more against my OH sleeping in the room with her., unless she was ill and needed 24/7 care with the illness.
In regards to the camping, me and my OH both have children from previous relationships. If he wanted a weekend away with his that would be fine, as long as me and mine had the same. But a family holiday with our baby together would trumps both and be priority.
Hope this helps
Please, OP, do you REALLY
Please, OP, do you REALLY thinkkkkkk your bf sleeping in a bed with his teen son is normal?
Did you mention this with your parents? A trusted friend or sibling? What did the Therapist say....when you told him/her about boyfriend in the bed with his teen son
Just curious .
Good Luck to you
Your BF is a Dick, with a capital D.
Change the locks now, tell your STBXBF to get his shit, and his failed family progeny, GTF out, and enjoy cosleeping in a place away from you... for ever.
Find a BM who is worth a shit.
You are an adult, he is a juvenile and enjoys being BFFs with his juvenile son.
Find a Man. With a capital M.