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Bereaved step kids

WWOTW's picture

:jawdrop: Hi, I'm new on here and just wondered if any of you ladies have taken on step kids that have lost their mum. Been with partner for 8 years, lived together for 7 with his daughter (now 19) and son(now 15). I have two sons one at 19 and one at 24 who has now left home (thank god). His kids have never accepted me and don't think they will. Hate the way my partner does guilt parenting to his kids and mine have had to have the real parenting style. I hate the daughter and she obviously hates me, she is now back for Easter break from uni and I feel so uncomfortable with her in the house. Partner not interested in my feelings only his daughters cos she lost her mum at a young age!!!! Feels like this will be used forever to allow her to have her own way. Last summer she moved out as she couldnt stand living with me, then at xmas she caused a drama about not having a home now shes back in the fold. Just waiting for the next drama or ploy to get me and her father arguing about her. She's been a manipulative child who's grown into a manipulative and self absorbed young woman who wants everything her way. Anyone else have this situation?

sterlingsilver's picture

yup, my ss18. he blames everything on parent's divorce and even cries like a 2 year old when caught doing something he shouldn't. He hoarded food, stole lied and then cried to throw a smoke screen up. We finally kicked him out. Yesterday I raked and shoveled the garage clean of his crap. My SO knows that he will not come back into the fold b/c then me and my boys will leave the fold. But I really think by reading this forum for so long that girls can be much more in your face then boys, so I feel for you.

WWOTW's picture

Thanks for replying, I know how liberating it is to get rid of all their shit, when she left home last summer cos she couldn't stand living by my house rules I made her sort her room out and put stuff she wasn't taking in the outbuilding. She went to daddy and said I don't want my stuff outside but I insisted after an argument with partner. Thank god I won that battle. Had the room cleaned right out and painted and cleaned. At Xmas we had a drama with her feeling like she didn't have a home!!!! She wanted to leave!!! I pointed this out and told her to wipe her tears cos it ain't gonna work on me. She stayed over Xmas which was unbearable but I coped. When she arrived for the spring break I made sure I put as much stuff in the room to make it look like a storage room just so she knows it's a guest room now and not her room!!! Only 4 weeks to go....... Wish me luck

hippiegirl's picture

My SS24 is the exact same way as your SD. His mom didn't die though, she just divorced my DH. Now he likes to play the "poor child of divorce" card. It's like, OMG! Your parents have been divorced for 20 freaking years! GET OVER IT.

christag's picture

My DH's first wife died, so I completely understand. His kids will never accept that he's moved on and replaced their mother. My SD sounds alot like yours. She moved out right after she graduated college and has not been back since. She will not speak to me and pretends that I don't exist. My Dh was estranged from his kids for about 5 years and then went into full guilt mode. Since he's the only living parent, that means he has to put up with their crap. He leads a completely separate life with his kids who live on the opposite coast. He's semi-retired and goes out to visit them for weeks at a time. It doesn't matter how I feel. His kids have lost their mother so that will always excuse their behavior.

WWOTW's picture

Thanks for your input. It's hard, what are you're coping mechanisms, apart from the compulsory voodoo doll!!

Please share your secrets cos it makes me resent my partner so much

Thanks

Wwotw

christag's picture

I don't really know. I'm at a loss too and feel very resentful and angry about this. It's something you can't complain about either. My friends think it's so wonderful how much time my Dh spends visiting his kids and I have to make excuses to them about why the skids never visit and pretend everything is fine.

Miss-Step's picture

I married DH with 3-skids (2-SD, 1SS), I have 1-BD. DH divorced his ex and ex died before we met/married (when skids were teens). He had full custody of kids since they were toddlers. But he still had the guilty-parenting style. Middle-SD and I never got along. She left the house right after high school and lived with friends (because she and I couldn't get along and she couldn't figure out that I was the adult and it was my rules - not hers in the house). It was horrible for many years. The house was much calmer once she was gone. She has many emotional issues and manipulative also. Middle child syndrome too boot! Always seeking attention. Now that they are all out of the house, it is heaven. When they visit - I am courteous, but show no false-affection, as there has never been any to begin with.

Remember, it is your house, your rules, your marriage. Review the list of house rules with your spouse and agree to them. Tell DH that you need to have these boundaries so you can all live in peace. Then tell SD what is expected of her if she lives in your house. If you cook a meal - she can do the dishes. She can vacuum, and clean a bathroom. Think of her as a roommate. If she doesn't like it, tell her, 'well maybe you have other housing options, since you don't like this one.'

Good Luck. Soon she will move and not come back.