I am just one more adult who will love and support her and her brother.
I'm one more person who truly cares about her wellbeing and wants to see her grow and become a healthy, happy adult. I'm no just a random stranger who may watch her for a few hours after school that if your lucky will be the same person until they are whatever age but most times now is a revolving group of people at a daycare center. I'm someone who (ideally)will be apart of her life for countless years ahead.
Living with her father means together we can better provide for the children. Even if I didn't buy them things or give direct support, by cohabitating his overall cost of living is reduced.
Think something as simple as the water bill. No matter what it will always be at least $40 due to the basic fees and cost. From there it goes up. Between with just us two it goes up to about $50. If we split it evenly that means we each pay $25. Sure it's higher because there are two of us but take that $10 increase and split it in two. Alone he would pay $45 because again. Doesn't matter how much or little you use there will always be at least a $40 bill and it's that way with all the other cost of living. Together we afford a bigger apartment, electricity is cheaper, and together we can afford the faster internet which split in two is cheaper than the slower internet. All of these reductions in cost of living for him directly impact his ability to provide for his kids better and that's even if we split the bills instead of sharing.
I also introduce the kids to my likes and ways of thinking. I don't force my choices on them but they see an adult who does things different from their parents. Something as simple as jigsaw puzzles. Before me I don't really think they did jigsaw puzzles but seeing me do them makes them interested and now they either help me complete mine or work on their own and that's just one more healthy hobby for them to do.
In our case my presence also helps their father be a better parent. He works nights and I work days. When they are with us extended times if I'm not working I will take them out to the park to play or whatever so their dad can sleep for a little bit. Without me they stay at home and most likely keep him from sleeping. A tried parent isn't exactly as bright and positive as one who has rested.
So basically if it's a positive relationship a stepparents role in the home is to fill in as that additional adult figure. We're so against being "mom" because we feel it's attempting to replace her. I will NEVER replace their mother and we tell them that time and time again but in our home since I am the female adult I have a mother like role. Everything that a mother can provide in a two parent family I can do my best to provide.
This strikes me as terribly naïve, or perhaps someone who is looking to get a rise out of posters here.
If you are genuinely sincere, that's great. Your view (and expected experiences) will be in the tiny minority here, and you might have a better experience over at gardenweb or bonusmom.com.
This is not a joke or anything like that. I'm here because I still find a lot of useful information and support from this site. I've had a lot of discussions with my partner about my role in my home and what I expect from him.
The question was what are the POSSIBLE benefits a child might get from meeting, living with, or in general having stepparent.
Not all will get this but this is what we hope for our home. Is it all roses and butterflies every day? No. We have our downs but this is our focus. My role is one more adult who loves and supports them.
I'm a BIG believer in cohabitation in general for anyone weather kids are involved or not. Before my partner I lived with a friend. My cost of living was greatly reduced. I still had my privet space in by bedroom and we shared the common spaces fairly well. There is science that shows that living alone can have a negative impact on your quality of life / health. The focus was that people who live together tend to eat healthier because they share meals and suffer from depression / loneliness less due to the social interaction you get from sharing a home.
With children of course you want to ensure that they are safe and people tend to frown on nonrelated people living with families but extended family is great. Children are not harmed by having more caring adults in their life. It's that many more people to share the work load of raising a kid. Consider old sitcoms like Full House. Though a lot of it was a joke and unrealistic it goes to show how more adults in a home help children. Or look at other cultures where extended families share the same residency.
Sure there's bad things that can happen but this is how I see my role. I am another adult who loves and supports them. That may not always be easy but why would my partner be with someone who didn't want to help improve his children's lives. Of course the older the child the less they need that additional help in home but even older kids benefit from positive role models and seeing their parents in happy, healthy relationships.
A few... it teaches the child that other relationships are important... that you do not get to decide who someone else is in a relationship with... and that despite all your dreams, your parents will NOT be together...
whether they HAVE a step parent or not doesn't matter - what matters is that IF they do, they should be expected to show that person the same respect they would an aunt/uncle, teacher, police officer, or any other person of authority.
Any parent who coddles their child by allowing them to dictate their (the parent) relationship to another adult, is not a very good parent, in my opinion. They're doing nothing but teaching them that their feelings matter more.... and they don't.
The cynic would say the following are benefits to the step-child:
Having a punching bag they can blame for their parent's divorce.
Having a chauffer/cook/maid/ATM at their beck and call.
Having someone to steal cosmetics, toiletries, and other supplies from.
Having someone around to compete with for the bio-parent's attention. Oh wait, that's a benefit for the bio-parent, lol.
I think there are some cases where blended families can co-exist peacefully. They are more rare than people would think, and you aren't going to hear about many of them on here.
In this perfect world, though, I would see a Step-Parent as someone like a coach or a mentor. These are other examples of unrelated adults that can help kids develop into productive, independent members of society. Even if the other bio-parent is deceased, I would sure guard my heart very carefully. After getting burned in my experience, I will never open myself up to another person's kids again, other than maybe mentoring as discussed above. But no emotional commitment.
IMHO the benefits for a child to meet a Sparent and participate in their other parents life and household is to have the opportunity to have healthy adult relationships effectively modelled for them. In all likelihood what that Skid lived and experienced during the demise of their BP's relationship was not a healthy experience nor a strong example of a viable adult relationship.
With his mom and I my Skid witnessed and lived within a healthy and strong example of an equity life partnership. Kids need that in order to understand how it works and to have the fullest opportunity to have the same in their lives when they are adults.
As I continue to tell my
As I continue to tell my future stepdaughter.
I am just one more adult who will love and support her and her brother.
I'm one more person who truly cares about her wellbeing and wants to see her grow and become a healthy, happy adult. I'm no just a random stranger who may watch her for a few hours after school that if your lucky will be the same person until they are whatever age but most times now is a revolving group of people at a daycare center. I'm someone who (ideally)will be apart of her life for countless years ahead.
Living with her father means together we can better provide for the children. Even if I didn't buy them things or give direct support, by cohabitating his overall cost of living is reduced.
Think something as simple as the water bill. No matter what it will always be at least $40 due to the basic fees and cost. From there it goes up. Between with just us two it goes up to about $50. If we split it evenly that means we each pay $25. Sure it's higher because there are two of us but take that $10 increase and split it in two. Alone he would pay $45 because again. Doesn't matter how much or little you use there will always be at least a $40 bill and it's that way with all the other cost of living. Together we afford a bigger apartment, electricity is cheaper, and together we can afford the faster internet which split in two is cheaper than the slower internet. All of these reductions in cost of living for him directly impact his ability to provide for his kids better and that's even if we split the bills instead of sharing.
I also introduce the kids to my likes and ways of thinking. I don't force my choices on them but they see an adult who does things different from their parents. Something as simple as jigsaw puzzles. Before me I don't really think they did jigsaw puzzles but seeing me do them makes them interested and now they either help me complete mine or work on their own and that's just one more healthy hobby for them to do.
In our case my presence also helps their father be a better parent. He works nights and I work days. When they are with us extended times if I'm not working I will take them out to the park to play or whatever so their dad can sleep for a little bit. Without me they stay at home and most likely keep him from sleeping. A tried parent isn't exactly as bright and positive as one who has rested.
So basically if it's a positive relationship a stepparents role in the home is to fill in as that additional adult figure. We're so against being "mom" because we feel it's attempting to replace her. I will NEVER replace their mother and we tell them that time and time again but in our home since I am the female adult I have a mother like role. Everything that a mother can provide in a two parent family I can do my best to provide.
This strikes me as terribly
This strikes me as terribly naïve, or perhaps someone who is looking to get a rise out of posters here.
If you are genuinely sincere, that's great. Your view (and expected experiences) will be in the tiny minority here, and you might have a better experience over at gardenweb or bonusmom.com.
This is not a joke or
This is not a joke or anything like that. I'm here because I still find a lot of useful information and support from this site. I've had a lot of discussions with my partner about my role in my home and what I expect from him.
The question was what are the POSSIBLE benefits a child might get from meeting, living with, or in general having stepparent.
Not all will get this but this is what we hope for our home. Is it all roses and butterflies every day? No. We have our downs but this is our focus. My role is one more adult who loves and supports them.
I'm a BIG believer in cohabitation in general for anyone weather kids are involved or not. Before my partner I lived with a friend. My cost of living was greatly reduced. I still had my privet space in by bedroom and we shared the common spaces fairly well. There is science that shows that living alone can have a negative impact on your quality of life / health. The focus was that people who live together tend to eat healthier because they share meals and suffer from depression / loneliness less due to the social interaction you get from sharing a home.
With children of course you want to ensure that they are safe and people tend to frown on nonrelated people living with families but extended family is great. Children are not harmed by having more caring adults in their life. It's that many more people to share the work load of raising a kid. Consider old sitcoms like Full House. Though a lot of it was a joke and unrealistic it goes to show how more adults in a home help children. Or look at other cultures where extended families share the same residency.
Sure there's bad things that can happen but this is how I see my role. I am another adult who loves and supports them. That may not always be easy but why would my partner be with someone who didn't want to help improve his children's lives. Of course the older the child the less they need that additional help in home but even older kids benefit from positive role models and seeing their parents in happy, healthy relationships.
The benefits to the child to
The benefits to the child to meet step parents?
A few... it teaches the child that other relationships are important... that you do not get to decide who someone else is in a relationship with... and that despite all your dreams, your parents will NOT be together...
whether they HAVE a step parent or not doesn't matter - what matters is that IF they do, they should be expected to show that person the same respect they would an aunt/uncle, teacher, police officer, or any other person of authority.
Any parent who coddles their child by allowing them to dictate their (the parent) relationship to another adult, is not a very good parent, in my opinion. They're doing nothing but teaching them that their feelings matter more.... and they don't.
The cynic would say the
The cynic would say the following are benefits to the step-child:
Having a punching bag they can blame for their parent's divorce.
Having a chauffer/cook/maid/ATM at their beck and call.
Having someone to steal cosmetics, toiletries, and other supplies from.
Having someone around to compete with for the bio-parent's attention. Oh wait, that's a benefit for the bio-parent, lol.
You questioned the
You questioned the truthfulness of mine and I understand this is an extreme so if I may.
What do you think stepparents are good for? How could a child benefit from a stepparent in your eyes?
I think there are some cases
I think there are some cases where blended families can co-exist peacefully. They are more rare than people would think, and you aren't going to hear about many of them on here.
In this perfect world, though, I would see a Step-Parent as someone like a coach or a mentor. These are other examples of unrelated adults that can help kids develop into productive, independent members of society. Even if the other bio-parent is deceased, I would sure guard my heart very carefully. After getting burned in my experience, I will never open myself up to another person's kids again, other than maybe mentoring as discussed above. But no emotional commitment.
IMHO the benefits for a child
IMHO the benefits for a child to meet a Sparent and participate in their other parents life and household is to have the opportunity to have healthy adult relationships effectively modelled for them. In all likelihood what that Skid lived and experienced during the demise of their BP's relationship was not a healthy experience nor a strong example of a viable adult relationship.
With his mom and I my Skid witnessed and lived within a healthy and strong example of an equity life partnership. Kids need that in order to understand how it works and to have the fullest opportunity to have the same in their lives when they are adults.
IMHO of course.