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Bad parenting concerns

Mandymm's picture

My fiancé has a lot of bad parenting issues and I am beginning to think they may be a deal breaker for me. This is very upsetting for me because he is really great in a lot of other ways and I love him, but contributing to the spoiling of his kids is not something I want to be a part of. We have had endless conversations about his kids bad behavior, lack of manners, and getting everything they want all the time, and he just seems unable to change what he's doing and stop the spoiling. He constantly praises everything they do and has almost no expectations on their behavior or household rules. Even when we agree on how we will do things, he ends up doing whatever he wants without consulting me. About a month ago his 8 year old announced he wanted an xbox. We agreed he could earn one, even though his bio mom had told him he could only have one new electronic each year and he had just gotten a new nexus. Since he would be earning this one we both agreed that it would be okay for him to buy whatever he wanted to with his money. However, after earning $50 (which he worked 4 hours for) his dad just bought it for him. I am outraged. I don't even want to do the whole Easter basket/egg hunt thing tomorrow because I can't imagine giving him more after he just got something he didn't earn and doesn't deserve. When my son wanted an xbox he saved for a year for it. When I asked his dad why he would buy it for him now instead waiting for his to earn it, he said he feels bad that he has to work so much and doesn't see him every day because of the divorce.
I can understand his feelings, but I don't feel like I can be a part of this family, where rules don't really mean anything, and even the guidelines we set up for earning things don't mean anything. It seems like a stupid thing to break up over, but I really don't feel like I want to be part of his family.

Poodle's picture

This kid is 8. The dad will not change. If you live with the both of them you will suffer disrespect and distaste for at least 12 years. If you have a baby with him that will be life. Read the adult stepkids threads on the forums. Look at the bitterness. You want that? Just saying.

Orange County Ca's picture

As you know Daddy is in MAJOR guilt over the broken marriage. Possibly because he knows he's at fault? Have you asked yourself about that?

You absolutely must follow your gut on this. Then you find a guy without kids who shares the child raising values you have. If your guy didn't have a kid and a divorce he might very well fit the bill but its too late now. He's got the baggage and its handcuffed to him.

After you leave go to and get a good book on parenting and have it sent to him. The book should emphasize the role of being a parent not a pal or ATM.