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Am I the one being un-realistic?

Buzybee82's picture

This last weekend was my birthday weekend. As of Friday DH told me were not getting SD cuz BM is a bitch and made plans! (for our CO time) Then Saturday comes around and eh takes DD2 to store with him. he's gone for 3 hours so i call him, it's then that he informs me he's getting sd.... and as usual all our plans are pushed to the side and he's doing everything to meet BM needs. so i told dh that sucks cuz it's my birthday and i don't want everything being all about sd & bm! he says of course it won't be! so Sunday gets here (my 30th bday) and i ask what his plans are for bringing sd home. he says "whatever you want, its your birthday after all!' so i say cool, drop her off at 5 so you can be back in time for dinner and not have to leave again later... so it's almost 5 and i ask when he's leaving cuz we have company coming over and dinner. he says he's not taking her back until after we eat cuz he made HER favorite dinner and she shouldn't have to miss it. really?!? are you fucking kidding me? it's MY bday, he asked what i wanted, then he just ignores it completely!!! i can almost guarantee that him and bm already had the pick up planned. he's lied to me about this many times!
so i was/am pissed! nothing about this weekend was about me, it was all about sd & bm like i knew it would be. i don't asj for much, im here all day taking care of new baby and 2 yr old. I'm always the least important person on his list, i never come first. but as a mom I'm ok with that. what in not ok with its that he kisses bm ass, drops everything all the time to meet her demands, talks nice to her, does whatever she wants whenever. i told him that's backwards! he should be nice to me, care about my happiness, and be a dick to her! his theory is he has to kiss her ass so he can see sd. i say you have a court ordered parenting plan, she can't keep her from you. and kissing her ass isn't working any way cuz she keeps her in his time all the time ( like this weekend, like our 2 weeks summer time)
should i just let it go? not care that i am treated worse than bm and I'm his wife that's given birth to his 2 other kids?

ownedbypedro's picture

ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!! I am so MAD for you - this totally SUCKS! What the hell part of IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY didn't he understand??? Making skid's favorite meal even...OMG!

I do NOT think you should let this one go. Does he have a CLUE how hurt you are by this???

Buzybee82's picture

more details: we were late to my bday party cuz bm made dh wait forever. he made ribs for dinner on my bday, i hate ribs, he knows that but they're sd favorite! i toldhim all i want is for 1 day to be about me, to be his priority.... then it turns into a weekend catering to bm/sd every wish and demand. meeting bm scheduling needs is more important than my birthday! he treats bm great, yet fights with me. he says he's NEVER going to change this is how its going to be! i can take it or leave it. him and bm make/change plans without me knowing a thing. i say that's wrong too!

Purplemom's picture

So you have three choices:

1. accept it, and suck it up

2. Leave

3. Try to get him to step-family friendly counseling so a third party can tell him what a dumbF$&# he is.

If it were me I would try option 3, and then if he refused I would put a plan in place to exercise option 2.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Well, he has told you his plans. He is never going to change, you can take it or leave it.

That is exactly what he means. He is not bluffing or joking, he at this point in time means it, and he will continue to mean it until YOU do something about it.

He would easily have been able to accomodate the two of you, take SD home before dinner, and cook you something YOU liked, but NO he chose his daughter over you.

Fast forward to teenage years when not only will BM still be pulling the strings but SD will be well and truly able to pull a few of her own and you will be no 3 in your husbands life,until of course SD has a baby and then you get to be no 4.

Do not accept this, LEAVE IT. Tell him that you will not play second fiddle to anyone in your marriage. Making his childs' favourite meal on your birthday, all the while knowing you do not like ribs, that is absoutely disgusting. He has no respect for your feelings, he has no respect for you. Best you start standing up to him, and start respecting yourself,because if you don't your marriage will not survive the teenage and adult years.

Read this site, so many of us are dealing with the same issue and some of the adults kids are in their 40's. This does not get better, SD does not grow out of it, in fact the opposite, she grows more and more into manipulting daddy, and as she grows, she not only has her mothers' manipulating skills, but she has learnt many, many more of her own.

Stop this and stop it now, or leave now, because you will never be able to live like this,nor should you have to, better to waste however many years you have been together now than wake up in 20 or 30 years and reaise your life is a living hell and you have to leave then. As they say, when someone tells you who they are, believe them. Your husband cannotmake it any plainer, he is completely absorbed in another woman (SD) doesn't matter whether she is 3 or 103, she comes first to him, and he told you so. The ball is in your court now.

Buzybee82's picture

i feel so alone so trapped. I'm so fucking sick of this cycle. I'm so sick of being the lowest priority on my husband's list. I'm so sick of the same fight happening over and over with the same patterns. whenever i have a issue he turns it into a huge fight. tells me to live with it or leave, suddenly starts working late, ignores me, and his other two children, doesn't talk to me for days, threatens to leave, tells me when we can and can't talk, etc!!! I'm so sick of this! when things are good aka when i keep my mouth shut, were great! but heaven forbid i have a issue about something!
I've been taking care of both our kids all day long and he gets home from work LATE and goes straight to our room! our house is a disaster, I'm exhausted and miserable and he goes and watches tv! doesn't even hold his baby. if we weren't fighting he would take over with baby! he dies the same routine every time we fight! i can't ever talk to him about an issue i have because he freaks out... talks over me, tells me how it's gonna be and if i don't just say on honey then i get the dick treatment for a week.
how do i get my point across and be heard? how do i get him to stop this cycle every time there is a issue?

Lalena75's picture

ugggh I'd be livid. He'd get the parenting plan slammed down in front of him with a "this is why you don't have to kiss her ass *slam down copy of marriage license* "this is why you do have to ignore her and kiss my ass"

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Buzzy!!!! Congrats to your new baby btw.I am sitting here fuming because of your idiot husband.
But at the same time I feel that when he is saying he is not going to change at all for you, there is not a lot of hope for your marriage unless you decide to suck it all up and smile.I couldn't .But you can't change him.He obviously gives a big shit about his marriage.
so sorry for you, girl!

sterlingsilver's picture

I'm also furious for you >:( I was in a marriage just like yours for 17 yrs and stayed only b/c of the kids. He finally kicked me out when I went back to college to get an education so I could finally support myself and get out. He didn't want me to leave, he wanted to kick me out and keep it all. He succeeded for awhile but I fought back and got the kids and half the house sale profit. If I were you I'd find an attorney who does free consultations and get a plan in place. You don't want him to have the kids if you were to leave.

step18's picture

After almost 18 yrs I've wound up so far on the bottom of the list I don't even think I'm on it! I would strongly recommend not letting this happen to you. Go to lunch with friends, visit your relatives, make him help care for his kids, keep positive people in your life. Put yourself on the list! Believe me it only gets worse if you don't change it.

Maybe try to discuss the visitation schedule when you're not fighting. My kids are 2 yrs apart too and that's hard enough without his added stress. Best of luck!

emotionaly beat up's picture

I am truly sorry for what you are going through, and I DO KNOW what that kind of treatment is like. I too have suffered it.

Now I have the luxury of being 60 and not having any babies to worry about, so having the kids does make it a whole lot harder but not impossible.

You can never change anyone, except yourself.

Your husband is abusing you certainly on a verbal and emotional level, if not physical.

You need support, someone you can talk to while you are working this through in your mind. This may be a friend, or a family member, a GP or a counsellor. I would prefer you talk it over with a professional as I think you would not be a 100% honest about what is truly going on with family and friends, none of us really are.

This cycle of abuse you are in needs to stop, and only you can stop it.

My husband was doing similar crap only his youngest was 19 when he started it, and is now 30, she was in my life for 8 years and I almost finished up on anti depressants. It was at that point I decided she had to go and my husband could go with her. I was truly over the whole thing. Interestingly enough when I told his daughter to go and never come back, and told him to get going with her, he changed. He wasn't happy about this but he never left and it has been a year now. The longer she is not in our lives the better he is. He still gets moody when she calls him at work every couple of months, but he is getting over it faster and faster every time he has to take her calls. It has gone from taking him over a week to get over the call, to overnight, and sometimes he is over it an hour or so after he gets home.

However, in order for you to make any decisions you first need to ask yourself what do you really want. I can guarantee sitting back and doing nothing is going to get you nothing. I think the best thing for you would be to seriously go back and tell him, I've thought about your offer to suck it up or leave, and the kids and I are leaving. He won't change hon, he honestly won't change. The way he treats you may change if you can be strong enough to stand up to him and put an end to the way he treats you and the other children. The longer you allow this to happen to you, the harder it is to stop, it eats away at your confidence and your self esteem you doubt yourself and second guess yourself, you always think "is he right, is it me" The answer to that question is NO, it is HIM and you have to care about yourself and your other kids enough to stop it. You have to be kind to yourself take care of yourself, respect and love yourself. You have to be a good example to your children and teaching them to accept this kind of abuse from their future husbands is not a good exampe. Please see someone and get some help and support. I wish you all the very best, and again I say, this won't stop until you stop it. If you keep putting up with it and do nothing,he will keep putting it out there.

omgsaveme's picture

I think a great solution will be to call his bluff. The other day we got into a big huge fight, he took a pathetic little plastic bag( to pack up his clothes and leave) and put his underwear and socks in it. So I laughed at him and asked him, are we going to talk or are you going to act like a baby. So he flips and runs out of the house and leaves. Ok great, so as soon as he left I grabbed 3 big trash bags and piled all his crap in there, nicely put it on the porch and told him to come pick it up so it doesnt get rained on. He let it go for about a whole day then text me in the evening the next day asking if we were going to work it out. He came back nice as can be and then we sat and talked things out.

Im far from a relationship expert and we have our issues, as I think most relationships do. However, I think your DH acts the way he does cause he KNOWS you will put up with it. Next time he pulls that crap with doing what SD wants, then leave and go without him, BM and him make plans for SD, you make plans for you and your kids. He starts getting louder during an arguement, shut him down right there. He says hes going to leave, pull out his favorite suitcase and throw his first drawer in there and then walk out of the room with a sarcastic, "see you later". 99 percent of the time, men dont leave. Also 99 percent of the time men that are really going to leave, aren't going to threaten it, they are just going to do it. Even if he was to take his stuff and go, trust me he will be back within the next few days at the most lol.

Buzybee82's picture

it's funny you say that cuz today when he came home for lunch i told him i was done living like this. come to find out he didn't even really understand what i was so upset about... cuz the way i told him the first time wasn't simple and spelled out for him. i think what it all comes down to is men aren't that smart, by the time i talked to him i was beyond hurt in the pissed phase, saying lots of things that didn't have to do with the issues at hand. so then by that point he was defensive,i was defensive, and we were fighting about everything... not what was really wrong. does this make sense? so today i told him out hurt me and i didn't feel like a priority to him on my own birthday. i explained that just because birthdays aren't a big deal to him, they are to me. so anyways after explaining it as simple as possible, without adding tons of insults and rude comments... he got it. i hope he really did,i guess time will tell!!! moral of the story, K.I.S.S aka keep it simple stupid!

emotionaly beat up's picture

Okay you've got that part right. Men are dumb well they act dumb on this kind of stuff,it helps them to get away with it. But when you use little words and keep to the point when talking to them, they don't have much option but to listen.

So, you're over the first hurdle and you brought this up with him. Now, the next time (and there will be a next time) something upsets you, Speak Up there and then. Stick to the issue don't bring in any other issues, just stick to the point.

You will need to change yourself and how you deal with the way he treats you, and that is not as easy as it sounds, but you do have to do it.

If you think that this one little talk you had with him is going to change him forever, it's not. There are issues other than your birthday that need to be dealt with, and while you don't have to go over past hurts, you had damn well stay on top of future ones. There will be future ones, trust me. I am guessing SD is quite young yet, and she too will all too soon be putting her two cents worth here, and if you allow DH to let her, you will be doomed. So, stay on top of things, don't keep things inside, and don't be afraid to speak up I think my biggest problem was in allowing it to go on for so long, I would tell my husband how I felt every time his kids did their thing to me, but he did nothing, I loved him, I wanted him to have a relaltionship with his kids, and so I said nothing to them, I knew that as a SM telling his kids to zip it would not go over very well. I was respecting my husband and his children by keeping quite, well that's what I thought. They on the other hand thought I was stupid, weak and an idiot, which to be fair, when I look back, I was being an idiot, I should have given my husband a couple of chances to tell them shut up, and the third time, I should have thrown them out of my house and told them to come back when they had found their manners. Still, no matter, they are out of my life for good now. But you do not have to go down that path all you have to do is speak up whenever you are ignored or disrespected, you don't have to do it in anger, but you do have to do it. If your husband does nothing about it when you have given him a couple of chances, then do it yourself.

omgsaveme's picture

LOL buzybee you are absolutely right. Men dont get it, unless you directly spell it out for them. Most men have a few relapses but I think if we, as women stay on it, men get it. lol hopefully. Hope things starts to get better. Sometimes grown men need some tough love.