Am I that much of a Bit#c ?
Am I that much of a bi#ch... I hate his kids and it drives me mad at the though of them in our home. I have two 17 and 12 that live away as I was in the military for 18 years. When I left the military they chose to stay with my parents.
About a year and half ago I started living with my partner who also has two kids now 19 a boy who still comes every weekend purely as his dad buys him things and his mother won’t let him stay alone in their home, but he is ok. Is the 10 year old girl that drives me Mental, she acts like she is 7 and always had an ailment or another... on top of that she always is been bullied by someone ( so she says, we have found this not to be true and is just a bloody nightmare who wants to be center of attention) she had a two hour bed time routine and he lets her stay up until 11. she has no respect fo our home and is constantly rude and questioning everything I do and how much everything we have costs. Admittedly I shouldn’t let that get to me but at time I have told her it’s non of her business and intact how rude she is. It’s gotten to a point when they are around I sit in another room and hide away. I know she goes out of her way to annoy me as she has said to her dad she doesn’t see why I should have to be at the house when she visits. Plus My youngest daughter refuses to come stay if she is there as she dislikes her. The only way I can see to fix this is to end my relationship and walk away.... am I right? I feel like an intruder and prisoner in my own home when they come.
This girl isn't your
This girl isn't your problem-your problem is your Disney Dad of a DH who has a mini-wife. this is such a common issue on here- my own DH for a long time made me feel as if it was my fault too, though his kids are older and some have kids of their own now. You need to decide how you are going to make some changes so that you don't feel you have to create a refuge for yourself in your own home when she visits- you will get lots of advice on here about this. I don't know how young you are, but if I had have known when I got into my relationship what it would lead to I would have ended it too...
Hey, I’m 38 and been married
Hey, I’m 38 and been married and divorced twice because of my military career. I spent a lot of time travelling and never in one place for more than 2 years. I don’t need a man in my life so that’s not the reason I want to sort our relationship...Him however has been in the same house with his ex from been 18 to been 42, family all within 10 mins and kids in same school in a small town. I am glad we live far enough away that people can’t just pop over. He doesn’t get why his kids constant questioning about what and how I do things and what things cost annoys me and that I think it’s rude. He says it’s just her trait and the way she is, I find it rude, for a start i don’t answer to him I won’t be answering to a 10 year old. I agree about the fairy steps it’s abwaste of time... but I don’t get how I can’t see how it’s making me feel. He says I am rude for sitting in another room and now avoiding them. It’s like I have to put alpha his daughter in my own home just to get them to no mess around, it’s not their home it’s ours and a place they visit every two weeks ... we have very different parenting styles and I fear too different to make it work
Your links have a couple of
Your links have a couple of "404s" in there.
As for the alternate view of your 3rd link, I offer this:
10 Ways to Support Your HUSBAND as a StepDAD
Here are 10 things to remember as you support your HUSBAND as a stepDAD:
1. He needs time to grow in unconditional love.
This kind of love is twice as hard for him. It doesn’t flow naturally in his veins for your kids. You are able to forgive and have patience with them much more easily because they’re your flesh and blood. Don’t expect him to be a bubbling, joyful, loving stepDAD all the time. Give love time to grow.
2. He needs you to listen patiently to his disappointments.
He is always settling for less than he hoped for. You may have been a great catch, but what tagged along shattered some of his dreams. No man dreams of sharing finances between two households, or of always having another man’s schedule and decisions affect his life. His romantic ideals did not include having dates with you interrupted with text messages from your ex.
3. He needs you to be his cheerleader, not him critic.
The “evil stepDAD” is the exception, not the norm. Many stepDADs work really hard at their role. They want this messy thing called the blended family to actually work. Your husband is probably already trying to improve. He might even feel like a failure. If you have to bring up a recurring problem, do it over a romantic dinner and first tell him how amazing he is.
4. He and the kids need time to work out their relationship themselves.
Men like to fix things but when it comes to blended family relationships, this can really backfire. Well-intentioned suggestions are easily taken as implied criticism and can make a stepdad feel bad about himself. It can also feel pushy to him and the kids. At the root of such suggestions is often frustration and impatience. This isn’t something you can fix quickly.
5. He needs your back-up.
StepDADs don’t gain respect the instant they form a new family unit. Respect is usually earned over the long haul. If he corrects the kids or says ‘no’ to their latest request, tell them, “You heard what your stepDAD said!” If you disagree, tell him privately and gently. If the kids act defiantly toward him, make sure they know you are just as much a part of the decision. Form a united front and don’t budge.
6. He needs you to notice his efforts.
It’s always a good idea to show appreciation to your partner, but when he’s a stepDAD, it’s even more vital. He may not receive hugs and kisses or “I love yous” from the kids too often. Model appreciation: “Thank you for cooking this amazing dinner for us!” Remind your kids to say “thank you” as well. When you’re alone together, layer on the praise and be specific. “You sure work hard at putting those lunches together for school.” “Thank you for being so patient when this place becomes a zoo each weekend.”
7. He needs you to listen without taking things personally.
I’m sure you’ve been there—your partner is upset and telling you all about it, but then you suddenly get defensive. Your pride takes a hit because you’ve begun to take it personally. You feel like he’s asking for a life that you can’t provide. When this happens, remember he’s not attacking you. He just needs to express and process his frustrations with blended family dynamics. Keep your skin thick but your heart soft.
8. He needs you to respect his view of the situation.
Your take on the situation is incomplete. The way you see things has been shaped by your past experiences with your former spouse. You also have an array of emotions that affect how you communicate with your ex. Your partner can offer fresh perspective and valuable wisdom as you navigate decisions as a team or try to solve conflicts with your former spouse. He’ll feel validated when you seek his advice.
9. He needs a place to call his own.
Kids have a way of taking over a house. Every room becomes a playground and it can feel like they only have two volumes — loud and louder. We all need space to stay sane, but as a stepDAD, your HUSBAND needs it even more. He may not be used to the chaos. Carve out an area that’s just for him and off limits to the kids, or buy him a new reading chair for your bedroom. Then he’ll have more energy to offer the family.
10. He needs you all to himself more than once in awhile.
With the divorce rate for second marriages even highim than for first marriages, it is crucial that you carve out time to be together. Book a night away. Keep a regular date night. Take a trip occasionally. Make sure to schedule it or it won’t happen. When you get away, just focus on each other. Don’t talk about the mess. Only respond to emergency calls or texts. Protect your time together so you can stay together and beat the odds.
As you work at remembering and prioritizing your HUSBAND’s needs, he will feel respected, understood and cared for. He will become even more motivated to become the very best stepdad he can. Your marriage will become a source of strength and joy as you face even the toughest challenges in your blended family, and your kids will have a greater sense of security as they witness what a healthy marriage looks like.
Why did you turn everything
Why did you turn everything to StepDAD? I don't get it...
OP is a Stepmom...
"He says it’s just her trait
"He says it’s just her trait and the way she is"
LOLOLOL. Ooooookay...That is the LAMEST thing I've ever heard. He needs to do his damned job as a parent, but he won't.
That's what DH used to tell
That's what DH used to tell me.
And now he's living the results of that with SD14.
"Am I that much of a bi#ch...
"Am I that much of a bi#ch... I hate his kids and it drives me mad at the thought of them in our home. I have two 17 and 12 that live away as I was in the military for 18 years. When I left the military they chose to stay with my parents."
Uh, well, as a Marine veteran myself, I know how the conditioning sets a standard for self-discipline and a pretty solid expectation of the same from those around you. I've had relationships over the years where the women thought I was expecting too much of their kids. "I don't want my kids goose-stepping around the house..." and "this isn't Marine boot camp..." and all that type of comment has me thinking, "Woahhhhh... I KNOW what THAT is like, and THIS is NOT like THAT..." Fact is, to many civilians, even relaxed veterans can seem hard-core. I am really pretty mellow, but I draw a hard line for minimum standards and don't allow things to fall below minimum expectations without also giving some (fair) repercussions. It can still seem harsh when I don't "turn a blind eye" to bad behavior, and I guess it doesn't help DW when I offer, "It was my high standards that brought me to you. I didn't settle along the way, I kept high standards and am maintaining them. I hope you'll see that I want the best for your kids as well, and when they fall short, I'll give them MINIMAL time in the Gulag because they're your kids; but to the Gulag, they must go." OK, not really that last part, but you get the idea...
Anyway, I saw your post, and it made me wonder, do you like kids? I mean, all the annoying tweenager and teenager antics, the screeching and yelling, the drama and BSing, and all that comes with the fun of watching them develop and get better at things - and even surpass you at stuff when you were their age (I find GREAT joy in them outdoing me on things! - not at all like the dad in The Great Santini
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0079239/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_72
- I truly embrace seeing my kids and even my employees at work - outdo me!)... It took me time and effort to NOT be that way, since I wasn't in the Marines anymore, and I was being asked by some family members to "tone it down a few dozen notches."
Looking at your wording, it looks like you might not be very patient - and that's cool - but it's just an observation.
Anyway, thanks for your service - and welcome back to "the world." Assimilating into civilian life can be a challenge. Dealing with S(omeone_else's)Kids is a similar challenge, but my more recent realization is that the SKids are like dogs - they'll only know to do what they've been trained to do - so a big part of your SKid problem is likely rooted in your sweetie and/or his ex. That said, can you tell if it's these SKids, or maybe their lack of self-discipline that's getting to you? And if your sweetie can't/won't straighten it out, is he really right for you? These are the types of things I'd ask myself. There's no right or wrong when you're each good people, but simply_not_compatible. Just to offer for your consideration.
great advice. In almost all
great advice. In almost all cases the kids are the way they are because they have been raised this way by one or both parents.
Hey thanks, in comparison I
Hey thanks, in comparison I am chilled with life. I work hard and enjoy free time. However I like a clean tidy home and I like respect and manners. Sure all kids can be annoying even my own, however I don’t see why I should take it from others. Yes you are right the army gave me many high standards I still live to. But I don’t see why I should take cheek and rudeness, this was from the start. But I agree may be we shouldn’t be together, he’s never been in the military however has never had an issue with how I am or behave. But the more and more I think about the whole situation... this part will never change so may be you are right, this could be the wrong relationship for me. Thank you for your service and advice
Keep those high standards;
Keep those high standards; there are plenty of others out there who will want nothing less than what you have to offer.
DW was raised by a dad who was a Naval Aviator (flew A-4 Skyhawks with VA-212 "Rampant Raiders") and later was a commercial airline pilot. He had very high standards and LIVED it. At his passing due to a heart attack, he had become a millionaire in real estate, and was by all accounts a GREAT guy. Wish I would have gotten to meet him... DW mainly recalls the times he rode herd on her for her childish ways, and seems to want to be the "anti-him," but she loves to go on and on about how her brother turned out SO GOOD. But still, that kind of upbringing is too hard-core for her own son, and she expects me to basically butt-out.
"OK, lady... he and his sister are all yours. When the DisneyMom / PermissiveParenting thing backfires on ya, I'll give you the look that Tommy Lee Jones gives over the top of his newspaper in that online meme. But, till then, if I'm not expected to be a parent figure, I'll just be good ol' Java_Junkie and do what I gotta. By the way, since they aren't my kids, why the heck are you letting them eat my food? Like you say, they HAVE two parents... you and your ex need to cover that without my input."
Do you know your the first
Do you know your the first who’s agreed with me on that, I’m not their parent and I don’t want to be. What I am struggling to do is. E civil and keep my mouth shut... I can see one day me snapping at the kid and telling her how rude her behaviour is. More so than I have before... What I am exapecting in my home is what I would exspect from any decent person who comes. If you don’t like how it’s decorated... the fact that it’s not to your taste or that we don’t have a TV or that it’s not your way then it’s simple don’t come. When I say it’s not their home, I say that because they live with their mom, we have a two bed place and the spare room caters for any mix of the four kids we never have more than two staying at one time. They come with their stuff and they leave with it. No one kid is getting preferential treatment over the other. We have made the spare room nice, but not personal for one of them if that makes sense.
UPDATE: after reading other
UPDATE: after reading other people’s opinions and other posts I feel less crazy about how I feel knowing I am not the only one who has gone or is going through this. So I grew a pair and confronted him about it and explained exactly how I feel in my own home, how his daughter behaves. He says it’s her way of trying to interact with you... I’m sick of explaining I don’t take rudeness and constant questioning off my own let alone someone else’s. His response .... your just been a dick about things and sorry my kids inconvenience you. Not once will he agree his kid is a pain in the ass, I just get it’s the way she is. So I quoted someone on my thread “ I am not her peer, I am an adult “ both you and her need to realise that! We haven’t spoken all day ...why the hell cant he see that just because he and his ex have gone along with it that other people think it’s ok.
Yeah, "The incompatibility is
Yeah, "The incompatibility is strong in this one."
It's easier for him to "go along to get along" with his kids than it is to BE A PARENT. As a veteran, you know that's easier... and it feels wrong (because you know it IS wrong). I believe he won't see it your way because his life experiences never took him to that point - and you CAN see HIS side, which is WHY you're TRYING to steer his kids from falling off the cliff.
Here's a great slogan:
"Never partake the lollipop of mediocrity. One taste, and you'll suck forever."
Keep doing it right; if he doesn't see the value in that today, he'll never appreciate you in the long run.
Just my opinion, though! Not trying to sow discord...
He never really got involved
He never really got involved with the upbringing of his kids .. away with work etc and doing his own thing. Until he left his ex he never spent time alone with his daughter. I think his ex dictated with the kids and he went along... now it seems all he wants to do is be their cash machine and friend. I have never seen him correct or discaplin them even when it’s obvious. I see his son and daughter both take him for a ride when it comes to money every month. Thank god we live on our own accounts and salary.