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Am I evil for feeling the way I do about SD

jadedgem's picture

Hi Guys

I must be such an evil person. I googled "I hate my girlfriend's child" and came across this site. It actually feels good to read some of the posts and see that I am not the only person in the world feeling like this. I don't know if I'm vending or just trying to put into words the way I feel or actually asking for advice on how to deal with my two year old step daughter.

A bit of background. I'm 34 years old. Never married and have a 7 year old biological daughter. I have my daughter with me every weekend. I grew up around a lot of children as my mom was a pre-school teacher and later ran her own daycare from home. I like children in general and they seem to like me.

I've dated women with children before and have had the usual up and downs that goes with trying to blend a family. Not one of those relationships ended because of the children. It was just me and the mother weren't meant to be together.

I have always believed in strict parenting and I have raised my daughter accordingly. I believe a child's first few years is the foundation for the rest of their lives and I payed a lot of attention towards that with own child. Me and the biological mother is on the same page regarding good manners and we both get compliments on how well mannered our daughter is from friends and family. She does good in school and other activities.

Which brings me to my current situation. 6 months a go on my travels I met a beautiful lady. We instantly connected and started seeing eachother. She is 30 and has a 2 year old daughter which is the product of one night of drunken bliss. She also has never been married. The biological dad has seen the child 3 times in her life so far and he isn't really envolved.

Excuse me if I may seem rude but when I think about this child the word f**k comes up in my mind a lot. When I was seeing my girlfriend when weren't living together she always made plans for her little sweetpea to be at her aunts house so we could have some alone time. In a heartbeat I knew that I wanted to marry this girl. We decided she would move in with me and rent out her house. To make the move easier she arranged for her little angel to be with her aunt for two weeks and then we would go fetch her.

The two weeks went really well and I thought wow this is great. Enters the little angel. Now in general I'm a positive person who tries to see the good in people. If I have to sum this little girl up in a few words it would be "Chucky" that little doll from that movie Childs play. Now I've seen children with behaviour problems and ADHD and the works but nothing has prepared me for this.

People would think you are lying or just plain making things up if they haven't experienced this but you honestly won't believe how manupilative and clever a little 2 year old girl can be. I know the whole "she's just a lil kid and you are intruding into her world story. She was raised as the center of her mother's universe for 2 years and now she has a hard time accepting that me and my daughter are also now part of mommy's life.

I've been giving her time to adapt but good God I didn't know it was going to be such a struggle. From the morning she opens her eyes right through the day she needs her mommy. She has 3 words in her vocab consiting of "mommy", "ouch" and "wa" which I learned means coldrink. The rest are monkey like noises ooh ooh ah ah..

She and her mother are together 24/7. When I get home from work we don't do the sitting infront of the tv thing. We sit at the dining room table. The first night we sat there talking and she had to sit on mommy's lap. We couldn't hold a conversation as this little kid kept interrupting ooh ooh ah ah and pulling faces trying to get mommy's attention away from me. I touched my girlfriends hand and the monkey noises turned in to pig like grunts and nostrills flairing. First time ever in my life I saw a demon in a childs eyes. She kept pointing at my hand and I just told her in a stern voice No we don't interrupt when big people are talking. What happened next I can only describe as the noises when a two cats fight and she tried to hit me. I stood up firmly grabbed her out of her moms lap and put her on a chair. I told her we don't hit big people in this house. This ended up in a kicking screaming contest and it sounded like someone through boiling water over her. I just stood my ground and kept putting her back in the timeout chair until after an hour she gave up and sat still.

I watched the mother's reaction and a couple of times she wanted to interfere and I just notioned to her calmly that I got this. I realised that night that I was in for a ride. That night was the start of a lot of problems. She used to sleep on a matrass next to our bed. In the morning we wake up and her mother makes us coffee then we have half an hour to chat and cuddle and then I have to get up for work. This little demon spawn can't wake up like a normal child. She has to wake up screeching and screaming like a banchee maaaaa maaaa then she needs to climb on right on top her mommy and do the monkeynastics and her mother needs to give her attention and tell her how cute she is. I then just get up and go finnish my coffee in the bath. I got fed up with that routine and we got her into her own room. Guess what we now have the most annoying alarm clock an hour before my real alarm goes off.

I can't understand why it is that me who generally likes children can't find one positive thing about this todler. Everything about her irritates me. I don't even eat with them and I go sit in my bedroom and eat as I can't stand her stuffing her cheeks like a squirrel. Chewing with her mouth open digging with her hands into the food. She has more toys than most kids that I know but her mother is her toy. she can't be alone in her room 5minutes without calling out to her mommy. If you tell her the big people are talking now you need to go and play the banshee routine kicks in and then when mommy picks her up you must see the smirk and look in her eyes when she looks at me over mommy's shoulder.

She breaks everything and draws on the walls with her crayons. She used to bath with mommy in our bathroom in our bedroom. I walk into the bathroom once she was sitting on mommy's lap inside the bath clinging to mommy like those little baboons do in the wild. I told my girlfriend that I don't think this is healthy and we started letting her bath alone in the other bathroom. You draw her a bath and put bubble bath and all her rubber duckies in. She can't be in that bath 2 minutes alone then mommy needs to come play with her. Mommy can't walk outside alone to go fetch something from the car then she runs like a possesed person to the door yelling mommy mommy.

My girlfriend tells me she knows she's part of the problem and wants to fix it but then it goes well for a day and then its just back to sqaure one. I think I will never love this child and many people will think I'm a bad person but how can I love a child if I can't even find one thing to like about her. My girlfriend and my 7year old get along great. But as soon as they do a little bonding doing girly stuff like painting their nails in enters the little demon and throws a tantrum because mommy is giving attention to someone else. She also hits my daughter and grabs things out of her hands. I gave my daughter permission to hit her back as she is no ones punching bag specially a little demon brat's.

Now the only fun times at home are date nights when we drop the little vermon off at my moms and go and spend some time alone. The only other time I enjoy is when she is sleeping. A lot of comments I see on this site says leave the relationship. Honestly its not that easy as I have come to love the mother and the only issue between us is this little s**t. Yes I knew she had a kid what I didn't know was that it was a selfcentered little demon.

Am I an evil person. Maybe I am as I can honestly say I like it when she falls and gets hurt or when her mom fights with her. I also do my best at pointing out to her mom when she has done something wrong. I actually suggested daycare now. I hope that maybe some time away from mommy wil cure this constant needy and clingy and jealous behaviour.

Rags's picture

No, you are not evil.... however, the woman you have chosen is an abject failure as a parent and if what is par for the Sparenting course for most holds true for you.... this won't change.

IMHO you are doing exactly the right thing. You are addressing the inappropriate behaviors consistently. Keep that up for the 2yo. When she pitches a fit first confirm that there is nothing physically wrong, then take her to her room, put her on her bed, and tell her that when she is through with her fit she can join the rest of the household. Keep taking her back to her bed until she catches a clue. Separating a toxic kid from the rest of the family does two important things. It sends a clear message that the inappropriate behavior will not be tolerated and it gives everyone else a break.

Now for the behavioral modifications you will have to invoke in your mate.... she needs the message that there are behavioral standards that will be demanded and upheld in YOUR home and she will participate in enforcing those standards with her child. Inform her that she can either work with you to establish and enforce those standards or she can refuse to participate and you will do it. Then you make sure the behavioral standards are enforced and effective age appropriate consequences are applied. If SO does not like how you parent and discipline the 2yo then she can step up and get it done before you have to or she can bite her tongue and have your back.

Be consistent with both of them.

Good luck.

fakemommy's picture

Please re-read his last paragraph. He LIKES it when the 2yo falls and gets hurt. :jawdrop:

Rags's picture

Yep, I missed that part. Thanks for pointing it out. That pretty much wipes out any redeeming qualities that the OP may have had.

jadedgem's picture

Thanks you so much. It feels like something lifted off my shoulders to actually get some feedback. It feels like its only me that sees the manupilation going on as the inlaws and everybody else feels this little angel is the cutest thing on earth. A few sundays ago I was left with two kiddies as her mom needed to run an errant. I took out some water paint as I thought it would be a fun little activity for the 3 of us. My daughter started painting and enjoyed it much. The little todler started crying insanly when she saw her mother leave. I told the mother to just go I got this. I sat her down still kicking and screaming at the table and showed her the paint. She knocked the paint holders over spilling the paint on the floor. I grabbed her put her in the timeout chair and there she sat for untill she stopped the tantrum. I told her she could join us again and yet again she started the whole mommy banshee routine again. So back to the chair she went and so it carried on until mommy came back. I've actually felt like smacking her but that would cause problems because you know the whole evil stepfather hitting my poor innocent child routine.

Its just difficult talking to my girlfriend about this because ou have to choose your words and timing so carefully that it can end up in a fight very quickly if you just say one word wrong about the little angel.

Rags's picture

I have found it to beneficial to not talk about the child but to talk about the behavior. Her mother will get defensive if you talk about the child but there is not much anyone can say if you address and talk about the inappropriate behavior.

"You will not behave that way. If you do... you will go to your room and stay there until that behavior stops."

Lather.... rinse.... repeat.

When discussing the issue with your SO, stick to discussing the behavior. Sending the message that you like the kid but the behavior is not acceptable for some reason seems to decompress some of the tension that the bioparent builds up on the topic.

Good luck.

Monchichi's picture

If this is what you truly want my advice is as follows:

1. Couselling for the child
2. Parenting classes for the mother
3. Immense amounts of resolve and patience from you
4. I do not recommend disengaging in this situation

I have a two year old and the only normal behaviour I saw in that was jealousy over mommy. Mine and my husbands daughter went through this phase and would smack my husband if he tried to kiss me or hug me. We nipped that in a bud very quickly and insist on sharing mommy/ toy/ daddy/ sister. We don't teach me, mine or I own this. We teach sharing.

jadedgem's picture

Thank you so much. I will deffinatly get imformed on disengaging as I'm willing to try all routes to make our family work. Here's a little scenario of last week. I left home on wednesday morning. Came back friday afternoon at 17:00. She had 3 days alone with mommy. I get home. I get undressed and comfy walk to our openplan kitchen dining sitiitng room. Here is little angel on mommy's lap holding mommy's hand and making the ooh ooh ah ah sounds and pulling faces. I pour myself a whiskey as I like having one after a long weeks work to unwind a bit. I poor my girlfriend a glass of wine and sit down at the table. As soon as I start talking the interruptions begin. I sigh and stop talking and my girlfriends takes her down from her lap and tell her to go play a bit in her room. She walks a meter away from mommy and stands there with her finger in her mouth pulling the sadest but cutest puppy dog face ever. I say No mommy said go play in your room not stand there and pull faces at us. She rans to her room screaming screeching grunting. I don't mention crying because crying envolves tears. This screaming like someone undergoing grevious bodily harm. The tantrum continues for ten minutes in the room so loud that we can't hear eachother talk. I put on one of my records to ease the atmosphere a bit. Then little angels moves her little chair from outside her room into the corridor and sits and watches what we do. And doing the monkey ooh ooh ah ah so mommy can notice her. Ten minutes later and here she comes moving the chair inbetween me and mommy's dining room chairs. I sigh again and stop talking. Mommy notices and immediatly sets the table for dinner. I go eat in my bedroom. Come back and she is on mommy's lap again. After that its bath time with mommy being present the whole time and then it was off to bed and mommy needed to sit with her until she fell asleep.

Rags's picture

She needs to match your attitude. My wife and I successfully raised my SS-24 by working together and having each others backs. As the SParent in our blended family it would have been far more frustrating for me and we would have been far less successful if my wife had not had my back and supported me in my role as StepDad.

My wife and I met when SS was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. So... your journey is starting at the same time in your Skid's life that my journey stated in my Skid's life.

It can work. But cooperation between you and your mate is key.

As a confirmation of our close alignment in parenting the SKid... my son asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo. We made that happen and now have papers documenting what has always be the case. I am his dad and his mom's husband.

So, it worked out pretty well for us.

Good luck.

Disneyfan's picture

The child is TWO YEARS OLD and her mother has moved her into a house with a man she has only known for SIX MONTHS.

Of course this TODDLER is acting out. You really told a 7 yeat old to hit a 2 year old????

Mom needs to slow down and give her child time to adjust to what is going on. That may mean moving back into her own home and dating you.

Disneyfan's picture

"I'm not impressed with the OP grabbing this child out of her mother's lap to put her in timeout."

I'm not impressed with mom for allowing it to happen. I would have flip out so quick, it have made his head spin. Then again, I would not have moved my child into a home with a man I had only known for 6 months either.

fakemommy's picture

I'm dying because I've never agreed with you more, except, omg no, they should not even date at this point. This man does not understand children and should not be with someone with children, or at least a small child.

jadedgem's picture

Yes I really told a 7 year old to hit a 2 year old BACK if she gets hit by the 2 year old again.

Yes I have seen lots of comments like yours to. The poor kid is only 2 years old and blah blah. Come live with this for a week. Then comment again. Smile

CANYOUHELP's picture

Wow, your relationship took off very quickly to have two young children involved; there is no sex so good to put up with this, just saying.....:-)

You might try separating and dating, as you should have started out, and give this thing some time to evolve. That way you could get to know each other better before becoming full timers.

And, YOU should not be parenting HER child; if she cannot--- you need to accept what is in store for you in the future. A two-year old is just the beginning of your journey through _ell....

fakemommy's picture

My biokid and stepkid have about this same age difference and if the stepkid were to hit my bio kid, I would be livid and they would not be welcome back into our house. A 7yo should know that it is not okay to hit a 2yo for ANY reason ever. wtactualf

Disneyfan's picture

If I lived with her for a week, she would be spoiled and not concerned with her place in mom's new world.

If you are getting a lot of comments like mine, then they must be valid.

More_Step_Children_From_Hell's picture

Are you trolling? Which one of you is two? Do this lovely lady a favor and leave her quick, and never, ever, touch her child again.

More_Step_Children_From_Hell's picture

You compared a two-year-old to a baboon and a demon. You say you can't stand to watch a two-year-old eat with her hands? Really? Then you can't stand to watch any two-year-old eat. I won't say you are evil; but only because I don't believe in good versus evil. But I do think you have the emotional, ethical and intellectual development of a two-year-old, yourself. Or you are simply trolling. Do both the lovely lady and her daughter a favor, and stay away from them. Do every lady a favor and stay away from her.

More_Step_Children_From_Hell's picture

You compared a two-year-old to a baboon and a demon. You say you can't stand to watch a two-year-old eat with her hands? Really? Then you can't stand to watch any two-year-old eat. I won't say you are evil; but only because I don't believe in good versus evil. But I do think you have the emotional, ethical and intellectual development of a two-year-old, yourself. Or you are simply trolling. Do both the lovely lady and her daughter a favor, and stay away from them. Do every lady a favor and stay away from her.

jadedgem's picture

Tarab thank you for your great reply and insight. I'm exploring all possibilities and that's why I'm so glad I'm on here. You get diffrent opinions from people in the same situation and then you also get opinions that differ like the person who asked me did I really tell my 7year old to hit the little angel back when she gets hit first. I mean really what am I suppose to teach the little gremlin if I tell my daughter no just stand there and take getting hit in the face by this little s..t? I'm deffinatly considering counseling to. Thanks again.

twoviewpoints's picture

So what's the timeline here? You met and started dating six months ago. Never met the two year old while dating. Dumped kid at Aunt's for first two weeks of living together 'bliss'. Ok. But how long has it been since Mom retrieved her toddler from Aunt and reality settled in?

ETA: I've not decided who needs slapped first and hardest. You or Mom.

Monchichi's picture

The mom. I knew my husband for 4 years before we dated and then moved in together after a year of dating. Never in a million years would I have done it after just a few months.

While some of you may not agree the mother is not doing the child any good with how she is raising her. That includes allowing OP to parent the child.

jadedgem's picture

You are right Fruit salad. No one is forcing me to let them stay in my house. Yet I love the mother and am not the giving up quickly type. I invest time, effort, money into my relationship and my daughter and the demon brat's mom and I are compromising to accomodate eachother why can't the little brat get with the program? I not so-affectionatly named her the demon brat because she not so-affectionatly breaks the things in my house that I worked hard to pay for. Getting not so-affectionatly interruped and hissed and spitted and slapped at well makes a person feel a bit not so affectionate.

Acratopotes's picture

how can a 2 year old be a demon brat?

I'm sorry but you do not move in after 6 months when there's children involved, you do not dump children on relatives to have wild blissful sex... you do not hate a 2 year old and think your own kid is an angel....

this relationship is doomed

jadedgem's picture

The timeline is mom is setteld in 3 months now. The kiddy did not get dumped at aunts house but for her it was bliss as the aunt loves to spoil little angels. She moved to me from another town. Its not so easy as to just move in from another block. The house also needed to be readjusted to accomodate my new family. We had two houses worth of furniture to blend. A new room for our 2 year old angel to set up. I'm really amazed at how it quickly gets shifted from the child who has brat behaviour to being an innocent little doll with a horid stepfather. If you would have read my first post you would have seen that I have dated girls with kids before and those kids didn't give this type of behaviour.

twoviewpoints's picture

I did read your original post and the following replies you gave *shrugs*

I didn't call you horrid. I haven't decided . I do believe you are expecting far too much of a two year old to make a very sudden adjustment. I also believe you are hating on a baby that is not to blame here. The child is currently a product of what the mother has been raising her to be. A months of Aunt babysitting along with a two week stay did not produce the behavior of this child. Kid's mother has.

Had you taken the time to met and get to view the child and the child/mother relationship prior to moving Mom in, you would have known what you now know. Additional questions for you. With the previous girlfriends who had children, did you met their children? Did you live with those women? How did your own child react and interact with these other women and these other children? And at what ages was your daughter during those experiences?

More_Step_Children_From_Hell's picture

You aren't her stepfather, and it would be a horrible mistake for all if you became her stepfather. You seem more needy than the two year old. You have a six month investment? Big deal. You should move on.

jadedgem's picture

In what rulebook does it say you don't hate a 2year old. Who said anything about blissfull sex and who said the kid got dumped at the aunts? The relationship is doomed? Are you some sort of doom prophet?

Acratopotes's picture

thanks Fruit....

leaving the building with the speed of light.... seems I misunderstood the gentle men's post

“6 months ago on my travels I met a beautiful lady” (too soon to move in together with 2 children from prior partners)

“She is 30 and has a 2 year old daughter which is the product of one night of drunken bliss.” (hummmm)

“To make the move easier she arranged for her little angel to be with her aunt for two weeks and then we would go fetch her.” (dumped the kid at Aunts house)

Acratopotes's picture

@Hidden - that depends on the kid and the parent, mine could swim before he could walk... not olympic style swimming, but enough to keep him a float and reach the side... only reason where i come from every one had pools and my father taught him to swim since he was a baby... we did not want an accident at home...

Acratopotes's picture

we have the wonderful rubber mats here.... I even used it, cause as an adult I can slip and fall in the bath tub..

guess it's from person to person, I had no problem with it and there was never incidents... dank kid would play in the bath tub for hours in the summer...

uofarkchick's picture

I don't constantly supervise my two year old in the bath. She has bath crayons and bubbles. She knows how to get out of the tub and get a towel. If she has a problem, she knows how to call me. You are 100% correct that it depends on the child.

More_Step_Children_From_Hell's picture

Of course, you are absolutely correct, and there was so much else wrong with this gentleman's post.

jadedgem's picture

Danielle thank you so much for your reply. You really do sound as if you know where I'm coming from. When my daughter was 2 she played on her own for hours. We also did lots of things together. I think that is why she is now very independant and can do things on her own. This little girl can't go outside for 5 minutes without yelling mommy and then mommy needs to go stand by the door and see if she's ok. We can't drive in the car with her in the backseat and mom talks to me then the monkey ooh ooh ah ah starts. You buy her juice she spits it out on the grass ouside or throws the dogs with it. Like you suggested I'm going to have a long sitdown with mom. I know in my heart she doesn't like how her kid is because she told friends of ours she doesn't know how to handle the child and is close to a breakdown.

moeilijk's picture

Um, so while this child sounds like a pain in the rear, you sound like a total jerk. I'm sure you're a nice guy in your regular life, but who died and made you in charge of the universe? Did you deliberately seek out a woman who would let you dominate to this extent? Or are you just feeling so overwhelmed by how different things are from what you expected that you have reacted like a demonic drill sergeant?

What do you think the future bodes if you continue down this path? What do you imagine will happen in your relationship with your partner? With your daughter? How do you expect your step-daughter will describe you when she's older? Are you heading in the direction of the happiness you deserve in the future?

jadedgem's picture

What fruitcake and company don't understand is that this little munckin's behaviour problems didn't start with me or when they moved to my house. According to a family member my girlfriend attempted relationships twice before me and guess what the reasons were it didn't work out. Because the two guys didn't understand this perfectly heathly mother/munchkin codependence. Now those guys just left me I actually care about the mother so I'm doing something about it and that's why I'm on here.

twoviewpoints's picture

Third instant Daddy. Heh. The kid is two. You've known Mom six months. Two already left because a fricking baby (0-18mo) was dependent on her mother.

Kid shouldn't have supervised bathing. What's next? Cook her own meals in a few more months?

Nah, bait post. Have fun :sick:

Disneyfan's picture

Perhaps mom has a type. The child is only 2. That means the poor kid was an infant when mom dated the other two men. What in the world did they expect mom to do. dump the kid in a corner and just focus on them????

It really sounds like mom needs to put dating on hold. This child is only 2 and mom is already on man #3. Not good.

twoviewpoints's picture

You're going to be lumped in with *us* fruitcakes, Disney.

" Does that fruitcake women comment so negativly on other people's post as well? I mean to type third try at instant daddy and then roll eyes? Is she trying to insult the mom now for actually wanting to not be alone?"

He didn't like being called an instant Daddy nor my barf face :sick: nor that I suggested he was bait posting.

Now here you are suggesting the lady put dating on hold. *tsk tsk*...do you want the mom to be alone?

Hey, Jade, another MIZ Fruitcake to add to your growing collection Blum 3

More_Step_Children_From_Hell's picture

What behavior problems? All two year olds require parental attention. Especially in the bath. The only behavioral problems are your own.

More_Step_Children_From_Hell's picture

What behavior problems? All two year olds require parental attention. Especially in the bath. The only behavioral problems are your own.

Java_Junkie's picture

"According to a family member my girlfriend attempted relationships twice before me and guess what the reasons were it didn't work out. Because the two guys didn't understand this perfectly heathly mother/munchkin codependence."

DUDE...
No one is saying you'll fail.
I think we're all pretty much in agreement that the relationship will fail for the same reasons the past couple of relationships she had failed. She's an unfit mother and wants to do it that way, and the only way she'll stay with you is if you "play house" by her rules - but don'cha see, the only way you won't be miserable is if mom plays by your rules.

It's what we'd call "relationship incompatibility," and you can't change her... she'll have to change herself. I was once in a similar situation many years ago, and I took my time - about 15 months - to learn firsthand the same thing some folks are telling you right here.

I'd pull the ejection seat handles and get out before things went any further. Of course, you're free to do as you wish, but bear in mind that we all tend to lull ourselves into acceptance by thinking that somehow *this one is special.* I assure you, if you don't see all those red flags now, you will in your rear-view mirror. Good luck.

jadedgem's picture

She will describe me as the guy who didn't fall for her manupilations and helped her behave like a normal kid should. If I was jerk they would be out on the street tonight. How does that make me a dominant drillsergeant if in my own house I feel the need to correct bratty behaviour. Or let me rephrase demon bratty behaviour. Google Brat behaviour and google demonic possesion and put 2 and 2 together and see if you can spot a resemblance to the things I have described happening in my house.

Java_Junkie's picture

"She will describe me as the guy who didn't fall for her manupilations and helped her behave like a normal kid should. If I was jerk they would be out on the street tonight. How does that make me a dominant drillsergeant if in my own house I feel the need to correct bratty behaviour. Or let me rephrase demon bratty behaviour. Google Brat behaviour and google demonic possesion and put 2 and 2 together and see if you can spot a resemblance to the things I have described happening in my house."

Just look from the outside a moment, and I'm sure you'll see some serious hostility. This will end in tears and an ugly breakup. You'll need to ship this unfit mom and her brat back to her house - right or wrong doesn't matter near as much as deep-seated incompatibilities.

uofarkchick's picture

I don't constantly supervise my two year old in the bath either. I am not a perfect mother but I know I am far from a bad mother. You don't know this man and you are basing his worthiness as a parent on bath time. I'm sorry that posters have been rude to you but you seem to be taking it out on this guy.

uofarkchick's picture

Ouch. I'm guilty of having some uncharitable thoughts towards bratty kids myself. Maybe he doesn't really mean it? I wouldn't wish harm on anyone but sometimes I think "It would be such a shame if the bratty kid dropped her lollipop in the sand." I'm human.

More_Step_Children_From_Hell's picture

Well, you should constantly supervise your two year old in the bath. Because if anything goes wrong you won't get a second chance, and it's irresponsible not to.

jadedgem's picture

What am I projecting? And how do you know I am not a good father to my own daughter just because she played in the bath alone at two? I guess being 7 now we made history. She played alone in the bath at 2 and survived. Its a miracle.. What I find astonishing and I've seen it on a large amount of threads is someone vents about a child behaviour and the grownup gets ripped a new one but the poor innocent little sweetpea does nothing wrong. From people in the same situation I actually read a lot of comments that does make sense though.

twoviewpoints's picture

Putting additional words in so as not to confuse a member does negate what was originally stated by OP. Keyword= come. Where from is Mom coming from?

Is it really worth post after post to debate the needs of bathing safety precautions of a toddler? No. But then that's what bait posting is all about. To stir up and create controversy. *shrugs*

twoviewpoints's picture

"I told my girlfriend that I don't think this is healthy and we started letting her bath alone in the other bathroom. You draw her a bath and put bubble bath and all her rubber duckies in. She can't be in that bath 2 minutes alone then mommy needs to come play with her. "

More_Step_Children_From_Hell's picture

If you had told CPS at the time, they would have taken them from you. I'm glad your children are okay, but that's not because you were particularly prudent. Don't brag on it now, you were merely lucky.

fakemommy's picture

"After that its bath time with mommy being present the whole time and then it was off to bed and mommy needed to sit with her until she fell asleep."

Here is where he complains about the 2yo wanting mommy present during bath time.... so yes, he meant that the 2 yo should be left alone in the tub with no one present.

More_Step_Children_From_Hell's picture

Uh huh, and so? Which two-year olds have you ever known who didn't need attention every minute they were awake? This guy has to be trolling.

More_Step_Children_From_Hell's picture

Uh huh, and so? Which two-year olds have you ever known who didn't need attention every minute they were awake? This guy has to be trolling.

hereiam's picture

The kid needs stability and consistency

Which she has never had, as the mother moves in and out with different men and the little girl is pawned off on a relative for weeks at a time.

This whole situation is ridiculous. Why would anyone move someone into their home they barely know? OP knew the woman for 6 months and didn't know the kid at all, nor what kind of mother the woman was or how she interacted with, and parented, her daughter. Stupid.

fakemommy's picture

I would if my nephew hadn't been in this situation numerous times. And yes, he's a winner. :O

More_Step_Children_From_Hell's picture

In what way is 'the child a brat'? Which complaint did OP make that didn't sound like perfectly normal two-year old behvior to you?

Monchichi's picture

I don't see where OP says the child must be in the bathroom alone and unsupervised.

"She used to bath with mommy in our bathroom in our bedroom. I walk into the bathroom once she was sitting on mommy's lap inside the bath clinging to mommy like those little baboons do in the wild. I told my girlfriend that I don't think this is healthy and we started letting her bath alone in the other bathroom. You draw her a bath and put bubble bath and all her rubber duckies in. She can't be in that bath 2 minutes alone then mommy needs to come play with her."

OP I am sure is 100% aware of the dangers of leaving a child of 2 alone in a bathroom. It's not exactly something we do here. I think he means the child is unable to entertain herself whilst in the bath. She needs mom at the side of the bath interacting and playing.

fakemommy's picture

Which is also very normal. I don't know any toddler who wants a parent to just sit with them in a small room and NOT interact with them.

fakemommy's picture

But that's up to the MOTHER to decide, not her boyfriend. And some are clingy until they just get it. But the things he is doing is too much too soon especially for a child with as much instability in her life as this little girl.

fakemommy's picture

"After that its bath time with mommy being present the whole time and then it was off to bed and mommy needed to sit with her until she fell asleep."

Here is where he complains that she wants mom present while she's in the tub, implying that he thinks mom should leave her unsupervised in the tub.

jadedgem's picture

Thank you so much for these last comments. I've seen now how one's words gets twisted quickly on here. Its like they just looking for every little detail to find wrong about the mother and the horrible stepdad than with the child's bratty behaviour. The bathroom incident Mamazen cleared up beautifully and I'm not gonna comment on that anymore as nowhere is said she should be left alone to bath herself and be unsupervised. I've gotten so many mixed reactions that I'm actually confused now. One crowd says yes you are right be the dissiplinarian and implement rules bounderies and limitations. The other part suggest that when you do want to help behaviour problems then you are a jerk and a drill sergeant. Yes I do know the mom is to blame a lot for this and I will try everything in my power to make this work with her. Does that fruitcake women comment so negativly on other people's post as well? I mean to type third try at instant daddy and then roll eyes? Is she trying to insult the mom now for actually wanting to not be alone?

More_Step_Children_From_Hell's picture

Exactly. Six month old relationship, he'd be doing them a favor to leave them alone from here on forward.

More_Step_Children_From_Hell's picture

It's really hard to read your hostile posts. I didn't read anywhere where you said you loved this woman, or her child. If you don't love them, and you have no empathy for the little girl, why do you insist upon interjecting yourself and your hostility and your overbearing grabbing of babies off their own mother's laps into their lives? I wish your lady could read this blog, and know how you feel about her and her daughter.

More_Step_Children_From_Hell's picture

It's really hard to read your hostile posts. I didn't read anywhere where you said you loved this woman, or her child. If you don't love them, and you have no empathy for the little girl, why do you insist upon interjecting yourself and your hostility and your overbearing grabbing of babies off their own mother's laps into their lives? I wish your lady could read this blog, and know how you feel about her and her daughter.

Gimlet's picture

I can't even with this.

That poor child. No stability, product of "drunken bliss", with a mom who has no idea how to parent and places having a man in the house over her child.

She's 2, FFS. TWO. Of course she wants to play in the bath, that's pretty normal for a two year old. You're already diagnosing this poor kid with ADHD without holding her mother accountable for her poor choices and string of InstaDads (just add random men!).

moeilijk's picture

I don't know why you posted. It sounds like you think you're completely right about everything all the time, and anyone who disagrees with you is wrong, d@mn wrong, or stupid.

It's ok to have your own values and opinions about parenting, and raise your child accordingly. It's a great idea to discuss those values and opinions with your partner, especially if you think you can be a positive resource for her raising her child. And an even better idea is to set personal boundaries, and leave the parenting of her child to your partner.

You wouldn't be a jerk for ending a relationship where you interfere in the connection your partner has with her kid, spend most of your time punishing the kid, and whine about how you are obligated to do so because of your incredible parenting expertise. You'd be a jerk if you didn't.

fakemommy's picture

You forgot to mention telling a 7yo to HIT a 2yo!! Omg I just can't even with this guy. He's the worst.

jadedgem's picture

I only diagnosed the child as demon brat. If you comprehend what you read then you would have understood that I typed that I have seen cases of ADHD and this little spawn is not like that at all. Don't you think that is why we have so many self entitled children and brats nowadays? Is it not because people like you always make excuses for them.

Gimlet's picture

Huh. "Now I've seen children with behaviour problems and ADHD and the works but nothing has prepared me for this."

This implies that she has the same issues and more.

She doesn't need any excuses made for her, considering the terrible parenting she's received. I would say she's right on the money as a product of that.

fakemommy's picture

I'm guessing you weren't around or very hands-on with your daughter at this age. Or maybe she just wasn't a particularly clingy child. Or maybe your girlfriend does more attachment parenting than you are used to. No matter the case, every. single. thing. you mention is 100% NORMAL for a 2 yo. Yes, the MOTHER, not the flavor of the month, should correct things like hitting, but it isn't up to you to decide that the child shouldn't be as attached to the ONLY person she has had in her life consistently. You are going to mess this child up with the crap you are pulling. The only solution here is to break up and move on and never date someone with a young child again.

fakemommy's picture

Jealousy. He's jealous of the attention the mom gives to her 2yo and sounds like he would rather the mom pay attention to him only, and maybe his daughter.

Also it sounds like they dated and decided to move in before he had ever been around the kid, so he was used to the dynamic of having all of mom's attention and now he is not happy that she does actually parent her kid and pay attention to her.

jadedgem's picture

I don't why you answered moeilik. If I know everything about parenting then why feel the need to tell me I seem like a jerk? Did this help me in anyway positively? Who said I spend all my time punishing the kid? I spent most my time working to provide for that little brat. But I guess you only do selective reading right? And because I disagree with someone who disagree that also gets disected in your turd spotting expertise write? So are you on here to offer a valid solution or just here to sit on a high horse and judge people? Did you even sit down one seccond and think how it would be to come home and greet everbody you tired from work and now you have to fight for a place just to ask your spouse how her day was? No you didn't. All you did is the normal cliche evil stepdad poor little innocent angel routine. You can say bad things about me all you want it won't phase me. I just hope that one day you might end up in the same situation and think about how you told me I'm a jerk.

fakemommy's picture

"Did you even sit down one seccond and think how it would be to come home and greet everbody you tired from work and now you have to fight for a place just to ask your spouse how her day was? No you didn't."

Hey you know what? This is EVERY parent's NORMAL evening. moeilik didn't offer solutions because you don't want to hear them. All you want is for everyone to tell you that the 2 yo is awful (even though she's 100% normal) and poor you. In reality, you should read parenting books and blogs to see how it REALLY is being a parent and also break up with this girl so she can raise her daughter in peace before you damage the girl for good and she has real attachment issues.

moeilijk's picture

Why did I answer? Because I hoped that you would see yourself in the mirror I held up. You're acting like a jerk. You're not happy, and you're making sure the people around you are not happy either. That's how jerks act. You feel like it's ok for you to behave that way because xyz - but you're still acting like a jerk.

All your time punishing the kid? It sounds like your home life is a battle with this 2yo, with relief only once she falls asleep. Whether you're punishing, criticizing, suffering, complaining, or dreading, it's all the same war, isn't it?

You wrote about your home life, not your work life. Why are you working to provide for someone else's child? Why doesn't your partner provide for her child?

Of course I read selectively. Your writing ability is poor and that makes it difficult to read.

What is the problem you are looking to solve? I did make some comments above that asked for more information. Maybe I made some assumptions, if so, I'm sorry. Could you explain more?

Everybody comes home tired from work. If you want to find a coming-home routine that might work for your family, I can give you several suggestions as our family has changed ours many times over the years.

I have no idea if you are an evil stepdad. You do sound like you are controlling and you sound like your expectations of the 2 yo are unreasonable. You sound like you are not often nice to your stepkid. That doesn't make her an angel. Doesn't even make you evil. But it does set things up to go badly.

I really don't think I've said anything bad about you. I've described how I perceive you, based on how you have presented yourself. I've also asked if my impression was correct more than once.

I would never be in your situation. There are too many things that I would have investigated before living with someone else. And now that you find yourself out-of-control, you're all a-tither trying to control everything else. I'm sure you are very stressed out and angry. That is not a good place to be in.

Like I said before, I'm sure you're a nice guy in real life. But the way this is playing out now - it's bad, and it's on you.

robin333's picture

Moe gives some of the best insightful advice here. I would take several minutes to process before dismissing so quickly.

Did you come for advice or did you think that after reading your post all of us would want to burn the demon child at the stake?

Salems Lot's picture

The toddler is 2 years old......She is acting like many 2 year olds do. Have you ever heard of the expression "Terrible Two's"?

2 year olds do believe they are the center of the universe especially when it comes to their mothers. They need to gradually learn independence. It takes time and won't happen over night.

2 year olds do throw temper tantrums. They need to be placed in a time out or ignored until they calm down.

2 year olds will draw on walls with crayons, it's a blank canvas to them. When this happens, they need to be told no, then be take to an appropriate place such as a little desk, table or hard floor and be given paper. SHOW them it's okay to draw on paper, not walls.

2 year olds interrupt conversations. Just say no, wait your turn, we are talking now. If they continue to interrupt, ignore and continue your conversation.

2 year olds will break things. If there is something of value, keep it out of their reach. At the same time they need to learn not to touch certain items. In this case have things around you don't value and will not harm the child if she does touch or break it. If she grabs it, say no, don't touch. Take it from her and put it back.

2 years olds will hit. They need to be told no and be removed or pulled back from the situation if she appears to be going to hit someone.

2 year olds love attention. ALL children love attention. Heck, even many adults love attention.

A 2 year old should not be having a bath by herself without supervision.

A 2 year old should not be playing outside by herself without supervision.

Your 7 year old daughter should not be encouraged to hit a 2 year old. If the toddler is hitting someone, then that toddler needs to be told no and be removed from the situation, not smacked around by someone much larger and stronger than she is! The only thing you are accomplishing here, is teaching your own daughter that is okay to bully people much smaller and weaker than she is.

fakemommy's picture

"Am I an evil person. Maybe I am as I can honestly say I like it when she falls and gets hurt or when her mom fights with her. I also do my best at pointing out to her mom when she has done something wrong."

:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: Yes, you are an evil, awful person who needs to remove himself from their lives asap. You like it when a 2yo falls and gets hurt? How long until you are doing the hurting? omg. you are the worst. :sick: :sick:

Acratopotes's picture

yes he is... from South Africa and it's very typical reaction from a white male his age....

He met a woman, moved in 6 months later, never met her kid, only has his kid week-end... thus he wants her kid to be gone Monday - Friday..... Friday-Sunday she can entertain her child and he spends it with his... but he would prefer her giving her kid away and become instant mummy to his week end kid...

jadedgem's picture

Wow is there anymore theories. Allienating mother and child. I really did not expect that one. So is there any other creative excuse we can come up with except the child is manupilating her mother and surroundings?

Rayban's picture

Jadededgem,

My theory, Maybe the child is acting out because she fears you. Clinging to the mother as a defense mechanism for protection of her and the mother. An excellent example of where the child feels save - with mommy. You known the child can feel your evil and with what you have explain let het bath by herself, sit in the time out chair, let the elder daughter bully her. Come on what do you expect? You are freaking more than evil. Go and have a look at yourself.

jadedgem's picture

Yes I was very handson with my own daughter and that's why this behaviour of this child is so strange. My daughter was not this clingy and needy neither any other child in my famiyl or circle of friends or the 100's of children I saw at my moms pre school or daycare. The mom can't stand outside the house to take a smoke break and todler needs to rush to the door screaming screeching mommy mommy. When you walk in the grocerie she is in the front of the trolley and looks back every 20 seconds and says mommy mommy and then mommy needs to akwoledge her. When we visit friends the mom can't have a conversation with the other people because they get interrupted the whole time. Last week we were at a friends house. The friend through a nice blanket on the floor in the middle of the sitting room and put a big box of Lego's on the floor. My girlfriend told her daughter to go and play with the Lego's and a huge tantrum follwed and she clinged on to her mother like a baby kangaroo exept there was no kangaroo pouch. But I guess its all normal behaviour right. That sweet sweet little innocent child

fakemommy's picture

Right! No wonder the kid has attachment issues. If eyes aren't on mom at all time, she could drop her off somewhere for 2 WEEKS to shack up with a new guy.

ctnmom's picture

This is a baby. A BABY. Her mom is a terrible, and perhaps unfit, parent. Who moves in with a guy when you just had a baby two years previous?

jadedgem's picture

And how do I know its just manupulative behaviour because when she is by my moms place when we do a date night. My mom says there are no behaviour problems at all and she plays alone outside and inside. And my mom's has the same rules as my house.

moeilijk's picture

Well, I won't go as far as teens, lol, but my kid is now 3 and I get very tense when she's getting to be almost out of earshot. I worry that if she accidentally forgets to wait at the end of a sidewalk that she won't hear me screaming, "STOP!!!" But... that's parenting for you, gotta let them take reasonable risks. It's all about having insight into your kid, yourself, and the situation.

We don't have a yard, we live in an apartment, but if we go to the park or something, there are lots of times I expect her to play on her own, but she's not alone because I'm nearby.

Plus, there are tons of studies that show that kids are most secure when they know you are watching. Which is why they say, "Mom, Mom, Mom, look at what I can do!" and then hop on one foot about 5 billion times per day.

TRUTHER's picture

I tried to offer advice to her the other day and she didn't like it so she has labeled me tommar to. Just ignore her.

TRUTHER's picture

Then why do you turn around and do it to me? I offered you advice based off what I was going through, thinking it might be helpful and wanting to become a contributing member and you went nutso. The next day I am reading this blog and you have me labeled as the person you accuse of being a bully. Pot meet kettle.

TRUTHER's picture

My mistake was offering you advice based on my situation and today you have me labeled as tommar. You protest to much and it makes me think you are tommar. Whoever the heck that is! I don't even know who this person is.

MollyBrown's picture

Ignore her. This is a hard topic for her because she moved in after a few weeks with a three year old involved. She's been projecting all over the place.

uofarkchick's picture

You gotta give us some time to get to know you. Like with Fruity the Fruitcake, we know her and we know when she's being sarcastic and when she's being serious. Also, with the amount of trolls that have been coming through here, people naturally have their walls up and it takes a while before they let them down. I'm not saying it's an excuse for any rude comments that people might make but for the most part, a lot of these women are very helpful and very knowledgeable. Just give it some time.

uofarkchick's picture

I didn't mean that you shouldn't post. If it helps you, post away. But you may find yourself having to explain your comments sometimes. If someone doesn't know you that well, they may take your comment out of context. Again, it just takes some time.

fakemommy's picture

Dude read the last paragraph. That's exactly what he said about a 2 year old!! How do you possibly think this is remotely okay!?!

fakemommy's picture

That's funny. I've been on this site for years and have only agreed with Tommar like twice ever. Was once in the middle of a fight between her and lady when they weren't allowed to speak to each other. So you really do accuse everyone who disagrees with you of being Tommar.

jadedgem's picture

Ok so I leave the relationship and that sorts out all the problems. The bratty behaviour will imediatly stop and the next guy that comes along won't have a problem being hit or interrupted all the time. And he will also be happy to just spend time with mommy when the lil darling is asleep.. Sound advice unfortunatly leaving is not an option for now.

moeilijk's picture

What? Why are you worried about making the guy your partner will date after you happy?

Why isn't leaving an option? What are the options you have?

uofarkchick's picture

I understand what you're saying. And it is SO frustrating to try and have a relationship when there is this little creature that is sucking up all the air in the room. I dated a guy for a few months (we didn't live together or stay over at each other's houses) and when he met up with my kids and I for dinner one night, I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship. My kids need me 24/7. I am literally all they have. No family, no father, just me. I couldn't pay any attention to this wonderful man with my kids around. It wasn't fair to him or them. We stopped dating a couple of weeks later.
I may be making assumptions here but it sounds like she relies on men to support her and that she doesn't know how to be single. She may not be ready for a relationship but may not know how to go without being in one. I think you guys jumped the gun and moved in too fast. She may not be capable of giving you much because she is so focused on giving it to her daughter. But that's what happens when you're raising young kids on your own. Sometimes there just isn't room for other relationships for a little while. She is going to resent you for asking her to take attention away from her daughter and you're going to resent her for not giving you more attention. The little girl, the ultimate loser in this situation, will resent you both and be more difficult.
It really sounds like you and your girlfriend needs to be honest with yourselves and each other.

moeilijk's picture

Ok, ladies and gents, I'm out. This poster, IMHO, has avoided getting into any useful discussions and has only made posts or replied to comments that seem to fan flames.

Good luck to all the people involved.

jadedgem's picture

Trust me child kidnapping is the least of my worries. Those kidnappers will bring that little demon back within an hour. And to the guy that admits he likes to be sarcastic towards people on this site that asked me does my mom know I like it when little girlies fall. Does his mom know he has hair on his hands?

ChiefGrownup's picture

Jaded, my own dh makes that exact same comment about his own daughter, that kidnapping has never concerned him because the girl is such a handful. By all accounts from my in-laws who love her, this girl was nothing but worse when she was younger. So I can well believe what you are saying.

I never knew a child could be so awful (or a parent so blind) until I met SD.

Your gf is getting something out of this clinginess and stunted development. A 2 year old should have more than 3 words. Maybe ask your gf what payoff she gets?

It does not matter how the kid developed attachment problems -- you can only go forward from now.

I recommend immediately instituting a routine in your household. With your gf develop a daily schedule that includes tasks to re-direct the 2 year old's attention and get her developing. By that I mean at 9 am SD "reads" her books with mom, at 9:05 she reads them alone in her room. At 10 am she has a snack she "helps" make--maybe she puts banana slices on a plate or whatever, as long as it both engages her and teaches her a new skill and invests her in the processes of the house (independence and chores). Build grownup time (no interrupting) and family time into the schedule. Over time, gradually increase the amount of time she spends doing something independently.

It will probably be an adjustment at first but I think this kid will thrive on routine. She exhibits fears and control behaviors -- it should increase her sense of security to know what comes next.

Also, start requiring her to use words to get what she wants. When she discovers the efficacy of language I think all your lives will be better, especially hers.

I commend you for your commitment to making it work and believe you when you say tossing them out is not an option for you at this time. You may change your mind at some point but right now this is your world.

Finally, I do advise you to stop engaging with posters whose advice you find unhelpful. There's a lot of great advice and experience here. Comments that don't work for you can be deleted or ignored while you attend to advice you find worth mulling over.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Thanks. That's just what I was going for.

It would probably also help if they put her on task while alone. For instance, you read your book alone at 9:00. How many pages can you count? When the bell rings (kitchen timer) you come tell mommy how far you counted? Or use colors or shapes and on and on.

She will get a huge payoff of running to mommy at the end of the time and showing off her accomplishment. Being on task will help her learn to enjoy being independent.

Gimlet's picture

This is very good advice and I hope it's taken to heart. Thank you for writing it, I was too annoyed to be much use to this OP.

Rayban's picture

Jadedegem,

Just wonder why when this little girl is with your mother everything is ok, but when you are around she's a deamon? Make me think about everything. Wonder who is the problem here.

jadedgem's picture

I wanted to vent on having a brat in my home Moelik you wanted to insult me and discuss my psyche. That didn't help me one bit. I think you flamed yourself into thinking I'm going to entertain you with what you want to read.

jadedgem's picture

Thank you so so much for your insights ChiefGrownup. I have taken your advice to heart also Rags and a few others. I also believe routine and stability will solve this and I'm not just gonna give up like some of these people suggest I do because that is the easy route to run away from problems. Thank you also for the people who sent me kind Pm's.

CLove's picture

Ive read that children's personalities are not completely "set" until about 12, so you still have some time to help this child out. I have the feeling that once this kidling begins behaving in a positive way, and begins developing her "words" AND mom steps up to the plate and learns what she needs to do to be a good -maybe-great parent (kids do not come with instructions, I have found), that you will begin to love this child like your own. I tend to be an optimist and see the potential. Don't give up until you see no progress and its been more than a year. Definitely seek professional help for this kidling, and definitely keep on keeping on!

jadedgem's picture

Thank you so much clove. That is all I really want for our blended family to function like a proper family and doing fun stuff together. I know I typed some harsh things but at the time that is how I felt. I will keep people like you and Mamazen and Rags and the other nice people updated on our progress. First things first though to break the silence and tell girlfriend exactly how I feel about our situation.

CLove's picture

WELL, yes, you sounded a bit like you were doing the "primal scream", to get the emotions you are feeling out of you (much like blowing your nose when you are congested) - to blow off steam. It did come off a little harsh, but reading between the lines, it sounds like you truly care about your SO, and truly want advice on how to make things better. Confessions are good for the soul, purging the toxicity out, so the good has room to grow. I know you wrote about the "evil chucky doll" toddler in a negative way, but your willingness to stay the course demonstrates that there are "seeds of love" that are in there too.

When I first came on this site, I felt such a huge relief, a burden lifting, and it really really helped to put words to the emotions that I was feeling. That's part of what I was battling - the need for validation that I wasn't getting, the explanations for what I was going through, the feelings of being utterly and completely alone.

YES, have that conversation, print out things you research, or the snippets of things your read here (there is a lot of repetition of common instruction...that also helps) write a list and read it with your SO, to help her understand what you are trying to communicate. I know it sounds corny, but having lists really helps keep discussions on topic, and helps keep the emotion out of things. You want to avoid acusations, avoid having her become defensive, or worse, feel depressed that she is being told she is an utter failure... many times it helps to add what a person is doing RIGHT, as you are explaining how WRONG things are.
Biggrin Keep us posted!

jadedgem's picture

See Morimom your comments I can take to heart because you have been in that situation. Not someone who brags about what a good parent they are and then insults me. My mom always told me from her kinder garden teacher years that a child that deserves your attention the least needs it the most. It kinda hurts when some unknown person just assumes your a jerk and tries to dissect every thing you type just to insult you. I didn't have these issues with my biodaughter and her mom and her mom had boyfriends over all the time. I chose to get into this situation and I'm not some loser who is going to have a woman move to me and then just tell her to leave because some other person assumes I'm a bad person and its the right thing to do. Did you see those comments regarding the whole bath episode? a Child can drown in a glass of water. I wonder if those helicopter parents sit around every time there toddy drinks a glass of water to. Hell even my grammar got insulted which just made me feel like are some of these people really trying to help or are they just ganging up on me because it makes them feel better about themselves.

Disneyfan's picture

You shouldn't have to tell her to leave. A decent mother would do that on her own. A decent would be more concerned with her child's well being, than her desire to live with a man she just met.

If not leaving a toddler in a bathtub alone makes me a helicopter parent, then so be.

I am flabbergasted by the number of parents here who have said they leave their toddlers in a bathtub while they are in another room.

Acratopotes's picture

I was a really bad mother .... cause I would even leave the flat to take the trash out...

or in the kitchen making dinner...

jadedgem's picture

Disneyfan why don't you be decent and not comment if your comments aren't directed in a positive way?

jadedgem's picture

Guys I'm gonna take the wonderful advice given and will report back in a while. I'm not going to entertain bathtub obsessed people everyday. One person said it so right by saying I rather Pm I don't want to deal with their self righteous b------t.. Smile Smile

Disneyfan's picture

My comments are postive. You just have an issue with them because I'm concerned with the TWO YEAR and not her bed hopping momma. Or a man who has a problem with a two year old acting like a TWO YEAR OLD.

jadedgem's picture

How is calling someone you don't know a bed hopping mama positive. Should I call you a paedophile company fan because of your username and start worrying about your kids?

Acratopotes's picture

:jawdrop: :jawdrop: for a newbie you are very verbal ....

and you claim you are a guy.... dang you have more bitchiness in you then any woman on this site bluedress included

Monchichi's picture

Acra, that is unfair. BD is in a league of her own and not one that is comparable with the poster. He is not vindictive or malicious where as she most definitely is.

Acratopotes's picture

I've knows Disneyfan for 4 years.... she's harsh even for me... but if you re read her comments there's most of the times truth in it....

Disneyfan's picture

My comment is based on what you have posted. Based on the information you have provided, she sounds like many of the BMs posters here deal with. Some mothers are more concerned with having a man than they are with making choices that are in their children's best interest.

Moving a child into a home with a man you have only known for 6 months, is not in the child's best interest.

If your chils is only 2 and you are already on man number 3, then you are not making choices that are in your child's best interest.

The woman you live with may be awesome girlfriend material, but based on the information you have provided, she is not great mommy material. Therefore, I feel sorry for the child, not you.

jadedgem's picture

Acra you are you the person tat made that racist remark about me being a typical White male. Is there some sort of problem because of my skin color? So as a newbie you are just supposed to take abuse and insults and those so called Zingers hands down. Even long time members picked up I purposefully insulted.

Acratopotes's picture

Luister ouboet... moet my nie soek nie, jy is nit opgewasse nie, en hou die kleur van jou vel hier uit.

Dink twee keer voor jy iemand hier wil aanvat... jy wys duidelik jou ware self deur n twee jaarige baba te haat, daai kind het nog nie eens genoeg verstand om jou iets aan te doen nie en ja sy gaan aan haar ma klou soos snot op n wol kombers, want die prentjie wat jy van haar ma skilder dui op onstabiele huis aan, die arme kind is verward... hoekom probeer jy nie die arme kind se vertroue te wen nie? Sy is net 2, hulle vergeet baie vinnig...

jadedgem's picture

But you brought the color of my skin so why should I let this go. I think you just don't like me now for calling you out on your out of context insults. People in glass house throws the most stones normally I have learned in life. Check the last part of your comment. Now that is a part I can use as advice. Why not type things like. Try and win the child's confidence she might be insecure. Why first judge and insult where you could have just typed something like that and we could build on that and explore how to help the child overcome her insecurities.

Acratopotes's picture

now we can talk - I'm white as well boeta....

and you can not get onto a public forum stating I hate my SD2.... you will have a whole clan of woman chewing you..

I'm the worst SM there is in life cause I do not even hate my SD, I feel nothing towards her, absolutely nothing.

The skin color was not my first comment and not my only comment.... my first comment I was shocked cause you hate a 2 year old ..... all my other comments was I am a real bad mother cause for us leaving a 2 year old alone in the bath rub is nothing... I see no major crime in this, you grew up same way I did... but the foreigners does not get it, and teaching your 7 year old to hit the 2 year old back... yes I get that as well... I told my own son plenty of time if your younger niece slaps you slap her back... just not to hard.. which is probably what you told your daughter..

but I still can't get over the fact that you would rather hate a confused 2 year old baby instead of trying to bond with her, show her she can trust you, pick the thing up and play with it, if she cries ... allow her to sit next to you, tickle her .... you have your own child you should know how to handle this 2 year old.... and it's not parenting her, pretend she's your sisters child, play with both girl together, 2 will trust 7 quicker and then simply follow..

my typical reference - woman look after children, men not... and don't argue with me on it, it's facts in our culture lol.... you are from a place where this is more a fact then what it is in Jo'burg. I've dated guys like you in my younger years... hell my son is almost your age, and I keep telling him... boet do not get involved with a woman with a child, it's not going to work...

jadedgem's picture

See now we can communicate. Smile you know where I come from and you know our culture. You would then also know that for a man from my part of the woods to just sit back and have a 2 year old run riot in your house upsetting everybody is out of the question. If I invest time and money into the child which her own father doesn't then I have to step up to that plate. Your heart doesn't care if someone has 6 children or a very bad past. If there's a connection love will oversee all obsticles. My brain tells me otherwise but where in life has a brain and logic ever triumphed over a heart. So this is my situation and I have to deal with this putting some big boy pants on. I reread what I typed in my first comment and I was shocked. I think it was all these cramped up emotions just pouring onto my keyboard. I really don't feel so much hatred anymore. I do feel a little upset about the judgements about the mother who really is no person that goes bed hopping. And I know she is a good person deep down inside.I think if you can look past what I wrote in my initial first comment and get to know me a bit you might find a nice good old south african boykie. You know how our parents raised us if I'm almost your sons age. There was no place for brattyness or you would be sorted out gou gou.

Acratopotes's picture

Wink yeah and Afrikaans had to resolve everything...

now I am telling you start a new blog.... leave this one in the past... ask for help young man...
ignore the comments of bed hopping GF (we all done it once when we where younger... okay maybe not Disneyfan Wink )

we all struggle with step hell... but that's why this site is so great... there's some good advice, some shitty advice, attacking people, believe it or not, once in a while we have drinking blogs and stripping parties...

just start new and ask these ladies... how to deal with a clingy 2 year old that's not your child...

see I'm different then most people I would simply say: Help me bonding with my bed hopping GF 2year old daughter, I would like to be the guy that stops GF from bed hopping but currently her daughter stands in the way

whahhahahahaha..

Acratopotes's picture

Blum 3 what I wanted to say to him needed a bit of Afrikaans lol or I would've been banned....

but after that little pvt convo between me and the boy - it's resolved... he even agreed his original post makes him ashamed it was just one off those moments in life where everything gets too much and you vent...

I think we can help him now....how to bond with a 2 year old

jadedgem's picture

You've known Disney for 4 years. I've known you for a day and saw a post where you brag about how you throw your stepchild's possesions in the trash and then lie to her father about it. That poor child I wonder how it must feel to have your cherished positions trashed and then you come here and pass judgements and insults. I think you need to go take a look in a mirror a bit. My problem is a clingy needy jealous child in our home. It could be lots of things. The change of surroundigs and new people in her life could cause this and I might be a little to impatient to give it some time and give the child stability and routine as to not feel unsecure and that might solve this and the family can function like a nice unit again. Some guys blow of steam by beating their wives. Oher guys drink. I came here and typed my emotions out and I apologised if they sounded a bit harsh but that was how I felt. But what happens instead of positive suggestions like a lot of good people on here gave you get people that judge you and insult you. Assumptions made and judgements passed. I don't need that really. I have stated how many time now no one is leaving yet like a parrot it gets repeated leave leave leave. It makes sense now that someone on PM said there is bunch of people on here that gangs up on people as they see fit. Well the website's heading says where step parents come to vent. It should then rather read. Where step parents come to vent and get insulted.

jadedgem's picture

So if skin color has nothing to do with this why would Acra type a comment on here that says typical White male. And now I'm a baby hater to. Is there any other insulting words you might find be befiiting? How's is this name calling helping? If its not your purpose to help with the situation at home then what is the purpose of your comments?

Rayban's picture

Jade,

You yourself said you hate this baby. WTF. Someone correcting you and put you in your place and you get upset come on this shows who you are. Well done Acra so we will see his true colors.

jadedgem's picture

So longetivity on the site implies holding back when you get insults directed at you by long time members? Wow sounds like a cyber mafia lol. In all seriousness how is your explanations helping or adressing my situation at home. We have allready established that you are just trying to prevoke responses with name calling so what's next?

Livingoutloud's picture

This woman seems to be so boy crazy that nothing else even matters to her.

One night stands, going from man to man, moving in with men she just met, letting them discipline her child etc Unfortunately poor girl will grow up thinking that having a man, no matter if he is any good, is a priority in life. It's terrible.

I think the best solution here IMHO is placing child in a better environment. I wonder if there are other family members who are willing to take poor child? Maybe that aunt? I think poor toddler is unsafe in this environment. It's in Everybody's best interest if someone else raises her. Poor kid

PS it's easy to explain child's clinginess. It's child psychology 101. Mom brings different men to a kids life on a pretty regular basis. People come and go. That is always source of clinginess. She stays for weeks with other relatives. This new man is disciplining her. This child is distraught and unsettled. Hence she is clingy

jadedgem's picture

Yeah life sucks don't it Livingoutloud. You seem to know a lot about boy crazyness are you typing out of experience so that you can relate? Were your children taken away so that you can suggest this as a viable option? In a few months time I might send you a wedding photo. You can look at it and eat your words. Smile

Livingoutloud's picture

No. I am strictly basing it on what you described in your own posts. We can only go by what you share. What you share describes unacceptable situation from every angle. I advocate for young child's well-being here. I understand that you and your girlfriend consider this life style acceptable. Most of us don't think so. To each its own. But unfortunately children suffer here, otherwise I wouldn't care what you two are doing.

Acratopotes's picture

" You seem to know a lot about boy crazyness are you typing out of experience so that you can relate"

nee nee nee..... so gaan jy nie wen nie jongman.

but the poster is right... GF might have been looking for you for 2 years, thus being in relationships not only one maybe 2.. which would seem to the older ladies like bed hopping.... remember we are mostly ladies and we have sex crazed step daughters and BM's....

so SD might be clingy cause mum is not really stable

heart of Gold's picture

I would like too now what the mother have too say about all this. They say there is 2 sides to an story. and for a 2yr old child to stay at moms side ill say is good parenting from the moms side. If i read the way the child is described in this is this guy dont like her at all because he cant get everything from the mom the child is taking all the time up. and who says she didn't move there to start at a job and not after sex with him. im a mother and only started leaving my kind in the bath at age 4 and they still like me giving them all the attention does that make me a bad parent?

Rayban's picture

Heart of Gold, I totally agree with you. We only hear the one side of the story the poor man. Wish we could get the mother (girlfriend) involved and for what I see this would be totally the opposite. Clinging baby good mother. maybe this behavior is a sign that Mr. goody me is behaving badly and that this might be the defense mechanism of the child. I hope and pray that the girl will open her eyes before it is too late and that the child might get hurt. A 2 year old child should never and I say never be left alone not in the bathtub, not outside - under the caring eye of the mother all the time. And with a so called dad liking to see her get hurt, cry and time out absolutely no go. Mother take your child and run. He is good for nothing. I feel sorry for his child and make me wonder why he never got married to her and at what age did he got involved with the child may be only after 5, 6 or maybe even just before 7 years.

heart of Gold's picture

Rayban your lucky that I found out about this site that he posted I now the mother so please if anyone want too now anything please ask ill try too answer as best as I can. But for information the mother took her baby girl and left.

heart of Gold's picture

HI Ladyface

Yes and im the sister too the lady that is spoken about in this and aunt to the little girl.

Acratopotes's picture

LF - lets rather go for drinks... we need out eyes to read this shyt

sorry heart of gold or whom ever... you are the Aunt... you live in Eastern Cape, OP lives in Free State, you only know what your sister tells you cause it's miles and miles apart....341 miles....

Rayban's picture

Dear Heart of Gold, So many thanks for this update. I'm so glad the mom made this decision as this relationship from the beginning was not healthy at all. I still believe that the mother is not the bad one (yes she also have some faults) as it is being said in the post otherwise she could have left the baby or even aborted it. Just a great and good indication that this mother have some integrity. Hope that the FF will realize that he need urgent medical help to overcome such bad feelings/anger that he displays. Well good for the mother that she left because I could only see bad things happened if the relationship carried on. I hope and pray that she will find real love and the same to the FF.

Livingoutloud's picture

WTH
I first thought OP is replying to himself. This whole thread is just weird.

Livingoutloud's picture

WTH
I first thought OP is replying to himself. This whole thread is just weird.

Rags's picture

I missed the part in your OP where you indicate that you enjoy it when the 2yo gets hurt. You have some issues that you need professional help on. If I were this kid's father I would have beat your ass long ago for that kind of crap. Heck, if were this kids mother I would have taken a baseball bat to you while you were sleeping for this kind of crap and you would have been long, long, long gone long, long, long ago.

Being an equity parent to any children in your marital home ... fine. Discipline a Skid... fine. Including a swat to the rump or even a belt or paddle to the rump... fine if age appropriate and an appropriate consequence for the infraction.

But enjoying a 2yo getting hurt....? WTF?

Your desire for this child to get hurt and your enjoyment of it is what gives SParents such a long history as the core of evil in countless centuries of fairy tales.

Livingoutloud's picture

There is something wrong with this thread. I am now getting friends requests from Mr. Nydo (long random post), and I don't even know who that is. I have a bad feeling about all this.

Acratopotes's picture

yes me too... no clue who that might be thus I ignored

and Mr Nyado - disapprove....

Salems Lot's picture

I received a friend request from this person too. I just came on line today after a few days of being away....
No idea who this person is and they apparent only have been on this site 3 days..... :?

jen123's picture

:jawdrop: can I just say I read this and felt sick... this baby is 2 .... 2 not 10 she does not understand or even think of manipulation and trying get rid of u she just loves her mammy.... 2 year olds are a hanfull ur obviously not very patient .... I sorry to be so judgemental but why would u expect ur wife to leave her baby sat alone to sit with u ... that's what bed time is for . maybe u shouldn't have married a women with a baby ..if this child was 10 or even six maybe I would have aggredd ore but she is 2 !! a baby she cant veen talk yet ... never mind think I gonna hog my mammys attention so he cant have it ...

Rayban's picture

Dear Jen123,

You are so so right. A 2 year old should do what a 2 year old do. She seeks attention, she make noises because she cannot talk yet. What does she knows about manipulation and time out WTF. Does he keep the mother for sex only... and now the baby is in the way. As he stated they had a wonderful time when she moved in with him and the baby was still with the aunt. As I said in my earlier post I'm so angry and frustrated and wish and hope the mother will read and see this as this man is sick very, very sick. Someone should report him to the Government officials before anyone gets hurt.

ESMOD's picture

For what it's worth, I think that OP has hooked up with a woman who is honestly not the "best parent". Shoot, the OP himself has moved way too quickly for someone who has a child. Three months into it they are living together. I generally thought most people with children made more measured and thoughtful decisions about this... otherwise there can be issues.

Anyway, I think that the OP needs to take a breath and understand that not all kids develop on the same time line. This child is 2.. not 6. So she is verbally behind and clingy. She doesn't express herself appropriately. Terrible Twos... there's actually a name for it. But, mom hasn't helped much and I can pretty much guess why.

OP is the THIRD daddy in this 2 yo's life. 2 before 18 months old!?! The mom's modus operandi is to dump kid off with a relative whenever she has a date. Mama dates a lot so the kid is shuffled off a lot. This means mom has spent limited time. But.. the time she DOES spend is probably her trying to make up for dumping baby off on her Aunt. No wonder the kid has delayed verbal skills and is clingy. Mom hasn't been around enough to teach her anything and runs in and out of the kid's life.

So, you have a spoiled baby, a mom who doesn't parent well and a new "daddy" that to be honest probably doesn't remember 100% what it was like to live and parent a 2 yo through his rose colored rear view mirror. I don't mean it in a mean way, but it's like getting a new puppy when your elderly dog has passed away. You seriously forget how tough it can be to raise and train that dog. The 2 am walkies to prevent accidents in the house.. the chewed possessions.. the whining.. the barking.. the biting etc... It takes years to make a "good dog" and it takes "years" to make a "good child".

If OP wants this to work, he needs to develop a new attitude. Stop with the demon spiel. The kid is 2 with little to no ability to rationally communicate her feelings. This isn't going to be "fixed" in an instant. However, both you and her mother need to be absolutely consistent in dealing with her negative behaviors. Mom may need a parenting class. Or.. maybe you need to say. "I think sweetums needs some time in the time out mommy for writing on the walls" make HER do it so you don't always need to be the bad guy. With time, things may get better. Shoot, why not have the mom take her kid to a doctor to see what they think about her development? Whatever is done, try not to compare HER child to YOUR child. This will only breed resentment. Sounds like mom flits from relationship to relationship and this one may be over too if she feels like you are attacking her child.

And wtf on being happy the kid gets hurt? I mean, I understand that this child is annoying to you and inconvenient, but she is a person. She has been given no chance to be successful yet. She has had no consistency in her life. This is NOT her fault. It's MOM. Lay the blame and the anger in the proper direction and figure out as a couple how to get it fixed.