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Am I being irrational about BM's requests?

Belle1984's picture

I am at loss, BM recently got fired/laid off from her job and now is hounding us about putting her on health insurance. They have already signed their divorce papers and its a matter of formality. She thinks because she is the mother of his kids, she is entitled to be on his insurance, mind you they have been separated for 2.5 years and we are expecting our first child in June (she doesn't know about it as yet but will in 10 days when its official). Why can't she seek other alternatives like Medicaid?

She also asked for the house which he gave her because they have three kids together, now because of her job loss, she wants him to cosign to help her refinance, again can't she seek other alternatives like family members. We want to purchase a house of our own later this year (which is why we decided to give her the house) and we are planning a destination wedding, I don't want to inherit that debt and have a continuous link to this woman.

Once we get the papers in 10 days I feel like I should finally step in and tell her that she needs to lay off that it is over between her and DH and that she needs to find another support system. She also sends him emails about how stressed out she is over her job loss, he doesn't respond to her but again doesn't she have friends she can talk to about this? We are not her rescue plan everytime something goes wrong with her. We are tight with money ourselves. I already told DH that if she agrees to any of these requests, I am leaving, no negotiations. I will not come back. He agreed that this is not what he wanted also but I wish he would be more direct with her and tell her to go to hell.

Asher10's picture

I don't think you're being irrational about her requests.I think SHE is being irrational for making such ridiculous requests in the first place.Some women can't make it without a man around I guess and she is one of them.I don't think it's your place to confront her about the boundary problem because it will make you look insecure and jealous thus giving her power over you in her little pea brain.Your SO should be the one to put his foot down and give her the brick wall in her face about what's appropriate and what isn't.

Belle1984's picture


I know you are correct, I should not confront her, that would just create more drama for everyone. And thanks for sharing.

DaizyDuke's picture

We are not her rescue plan everytime something goes wrong with her

Do NOT let your DH cave to any of these requests. They are ludicrous. She is a grown woman, grown women get medical insurance every day on their own, grown women buy homes every day on their own. If she is that incompetent that she can not do these things for herself, then I think that your DH should pursue full custody of his children as I don't see how she can possibly provide for their care and such.

Trust me my DH has a BM who tried to play these games (still does from time to time) and I told him the same thing. Either you put ME first or I'm walking. I will NOT take a back seat to BM everytime she calls crying poverty, relationship problems, job problems etc. She is a 37 year old woman who has a BF, friends, family etc., DH is NOT responsible for HER simply because she birthed SS.

Belle1984's picture


That is exactly what I said, we are not here to ensure that she can physically, emotionally and financially take of the kids. He agreed to that because he thought it was best for her and the kids and to keep things stable providing of course she could hold up her end. But if she can't do those things then she needs to be reminded that the kids have a parent who can meet all of those criterias. She is under some delusion that the mother is always right. She wants us to also provide money for summer camp and day care, Last time I checked it is impossible to be in 2 places at one time. We already pay for daycare so if she wants to do summer camp instead why can't she use the money for that. I would like to see her try to reason that with a judge which is what she is threatening to do.

DaizyDuke's picture

and just remember that IF he does feel the need to help her out that he will be setting precedent here and she will EXPECT that he wipe her ass from now on.

this is how it started with SS12's BM... when DH and she split when SS was a baby, DH was trying to be the "good father" and paid for EVERYTHING for SS/BM (rent, diapers, formula, groceries, car etc) while she sat on her ass "caring" for SS. Well that set the precedent and over the years she just came to EXPECT that DH would take care of her and be at her beckon call. It has taken years to get it through her thick skull that is NOT the case!

Don't let your DH create this monster!!!

Belle1984's picture

Completely agree with the monster comment and I wouldn't stand for that anyhow. We are expected to pay to care for the kids not her. She is always saying "the children and I", like somehow they are one unit. We are already covering the kids insurance because she lost her job but it resumes once she gets a job this is what is stipulated in the proposal. if she can't afford the house, then she should start looking to rent just like he had to do when he moved out.

Ex4life's picture

Check with your attorney, but I don't even think its legal to put her on his insurance is it? She won't be related by blood or marraige so I don't see how it would fly. But certainly tell her to learn to support herself, she'll be happier when she realizes she can take care of herself.

Belle1984's picture

It is not! She wants him to add her within the next few days before the finalization so the insurance company doesn't find out that they are completely divorce. He told her today to look into medicaid but apparently she is the only person in America that will not qualify even though all that is require is proof of being termination, end of insurance and no income (child support money is not income). I don't think she even looked into it, she is proposing we pay her Cobra which is 450 a month. She needs to forget status and get medicaid.

MGB's picture

Nope. Once the divorce is final your soon to be husband notifies his HR department and submits a copy of the divorce paperwork. She will recieve the COBRA notification and can pay for it her self. If she had health insurance through her employer she will recieve their COBRA notification. She cannot legally remain on his insurance after the divorce is final. She needs to learn to take care of herself. If he continues to bow to her demands he will always give in.

purpledaisies's picture

None of her requests are good they are all rediculous. (I don't have firefox so my spelling is bad) Anyway she can't be on his insurance she is not married or related or living with him.

The other is nonsense, she knows it he knows it but she is going to see how far she can push him. Wink

Belle1984's picture

Agreed which is why I am taking such a firm stance from the inception to nip this kind of behavior in the bud. You teach people how to treat you and although he may have good intentions, its time to cut the ties completely.

uncommon's picture

Re: the health insurance - this may not be as crazy as it sounds. Originally the family court was going to order my XH to continue covering me under his insurance. The reasoning behind this was that he was already paying the "family" rate (to cover DD and also his baby with his fiancee) and under the plan he has the fees don't increase if you add another person so it was a smart financial decision.

Ultimately I decided I didn't want to have to deal with that and would rather just pay for my own but it did make sense. The rest of it is stupid.

purpledaisies's picture

All I know is that for some reason my dh insurance dropped me b/c they said they didn't have proof that we were married. We sent it to them but if bm and the op are not married nor living together how can he get her on his insurance even if he was court ordered? Especially since she is not on his insurance right now anyway. I don't know but n my experiance it can't work unless she is already on the insurance even them if they got wind that they are not marred they wll drop her like they did me and i am married to dh.

Belle1984's picture

Their policies are strict and I think she is just doing it to have everyone spin their wheels because I didn't think it was legal to begin with and he has not be ordered to pay any health insurance for her. She gets some kind of satisfaction creating drama I think.

uncommon's picture

I believe in MA now you can have a live-in on your insurance but I don't know if it works that way everywhere. And I would think if it's in the court order from the divorce then it is legally binding even if the couple is not together. Weird but a lot of things about divorce are weird.

mom23ms's picture

OH NOOOOOOO!!!!! I am a firm believer that nothing good will come out when it comes to helping the BM with financial matters. I think DH's only financial responsibility is to make sure the kids are taken care of (food, clothes, shelter.) All it takes is for DH to co-sign for a mortgage for her and she doesn't make payments...they are going to go after YOU guys for the money. Also, him co-signing is going to go on his credit so when you guys finally buy YOUR house together they are going to see that. I hope DH doesn't bow down to her and cave in. And as for insurance...BAD BAD IDEA. I don't think it's legal. DH shouldn't do anything that would jeopardize your finances and do anything that isn't really legal. BM is NOT worth getting caught. Hope it all works out.

Belle1984's picture

Thank you and I hold these exact beliefs as you. I want to only pay child support as stipulated and move on.

Gwen's picture

uncommon is right about the health insurance but if it's not in the divorce decree that's about to be finalized then there's probably no obligation. presumably BM signed the divorce decree ... Belle you should read the decree if you haven't already so that you know what you are hitching your wagon to. My DH is required to maintain life insurance for his ex under his decree. that's pretty common. health insurance would have to be spelled out, i believe. have your DH check w/whatever attorney helped him w/the decree.

Belle1984's picture

I read it and there is nothing in here that says he has to pay insurance, only the kids in the event she doesnt not have a job and once she gets a job she has to put them back on her insurance because part of our child support budget takes insurance into account. She is not covered anywhere so she is just being a pain the ass and I want to stop this behavior immediately because I dont want to live my life with this shadow all the time.

Unfreakingreal's picture

This is typical BM behavior. Let me clarify, PSYCHO BM behavior. They think that because they birthed the children they have unlimited access to the EX. His money, his future earnings, his time, his weekends, his everything. Screw that, make sure you nip it in the bud!

Belle1984's picture

You read my mind. She is definitely PSYCHO OR DELUSIONAL to think that this makes sense. Rejection does not mean anything to her. I have read where the EX husband are lenient but we put up brick walls all the time and she still sends the same emails like 20 times ( I am not exaggerating). I wish there was a way to limit how much she can communicate with us. Even though we make an effort to ignore it still interrupts the flow of things when her emails or communications comes through. Don't want to live like that.

Soon-to-be-Step-Mommy's picture

He doesn't owe her insurance nor should he be expected to co-sign on her refinance. They are no longer married! PERIOD!

Belle1984's picture

Thank you very much. She has this notion that he has two families 1) the first one includes her and her children and the 2) includes me and him. Because of this, she feels like she is entitled to him no matter what. This is not a polygamous relationship, the kids, our kids and myself are his family. She is an ex and should approach her new life as such. Her requests are extremely disrespectful to our relationship, she should recognize that she is the outsider and should reduce her contact with us and use her free time to find a man if that's what she needs to feel secure.

The big G's picture

If he gives in once she'll keep coming fdh gave bm money to help with Sd as she couldn't afford to see her weekends. 7 years later and we are still paying the scabby cow. Good for you putting your foot down Smile

Dumby's picture

Don't let him co-sign on the house either. I have been divorced since 2007 and the house my ex lives in is still in both of our names.

I cannot get a loan to buy another house because of house is in my mom's name, which I do not like. Bought my house before remarrying.

I did not want any drama when we got divorced and he had lost his job so could not refinance....that is why I did not force him to sell it then.

Luckly he and I still have a "friendly" relationship but it sucks to be married again and that house still in my name. My DH is so understanding of everything....I am not sure if the tables were turned I could be as understanding.

Belle1984's picture

Thank you for the advice and sharing your experience. I am definitely firm on both health insurance and especially the house. She told him its only temporarily but these things have a way of not happening within time frames. So the answer is definitely NO. Unfortunately they do not have a friendly relationship, she only becomes friendly when she wants something, every other time its hate mail.

iwishyouwould's picture

next time it comes up:

Ex-wife: Do this for me now.
Ex-husband: No.
Ex-wife: I am now going to throw a hysterical fit.
Ex-husband: I am now walking away.

the time after that that is comes up:

Ex-wife: I am now badmouthing you because you wont do what i want you to do.
Ex-husband: i am now going to stare at you in silence until you stop.
Ex-wife: i hate you
Ex-husband: I am now walking away.

and the next:

Ex-wife: I am now going to cry and guilt trip you in the hope that you will cave.
Ex-husband: Your jedi mind tricks have no effect on me, obi wan kenobi.
Ex-wife: I really really hate you.
Ex-husband: I am now walking away.

The End.


Belle1984's picture

This is too funny but now that we have shut her down she send this true "you should want the mother of your children to remain healthy for them"... I think this would ring true to your statement "Ex-wife: I am now going to cry and guilt trip you in the hope that you will cave."....seriously this crap deserves a bitch please.

DaizyDuke's picture

"you should want the mother of your children to remain healthy for them"

Gag me! No sweetie, what we really want is for you to get run over by a Mack truck so we can put an end to all of the drama because then you won't need insurance or a house will you?

Sorry, I have no sympathy for these woman who think that it's EVERYBODY else's responsibility to take care of them.... puulleasse!!

Belle1984's picture

lol, she annoys me just as much as my SS8. What sucks is that I wouldn't want her to lose custody of kids because I don't want them living with us. So I am screwed Blum 3

Seriously can we get some kind of gag order to limit her communication with us. We talked about sending her emails to trash or creating an account that we only check once a week but DH is concerned about real emergencies and she might move from email to the phone and we don't want her calling his work phone to rant about stupid shit.

I am hoping when she finds her from her kids that DH and I are expecting in June, she will feel really stupid and leave us alone. Because right now she feels as if she is his family with kids. She has not in my opinion relinquish that title, she doesn't even want to give up his last name and he is asking her too, not a deal breaker or anything.

DaizyDuke's picture

I would only respond to what your DH feels are important emails and if she calls, let every call go to voice mail and then decide if the call needs a response or not. Your DH should tell her that this is what he is doing and that there won't be any ifs ands or buts about it. It may get worse before it gets better, but once she realizes that your DH is serious about limiting the nonsense I think she might simmer down eventually.

Now, with that being said, don't be surprised if when she finds out that you two are expecting that she actually revs UP her antics... after all right now she thinks that SHE has the upper hand because she is "the mother of his children". These BM's tend to go Kookoo for cocoa puffs when they feel that they are losing their perceived "power" over their ex.

Hopefully she'll be smart and take the path of least resistance and just get on with her life already... good luck!

iwishyouwould's picture

I was being flip before, but in all seriousness divorce means that that the ex's are no longer responsible for eachother's happiness, health or standard of living. The fact that they have children does not negate the fact that those three particular ties to eachother are now severed. so, in all seriousness tell her to eat an apple a day and can it because whether or not you H does those things for her no family court judge is gonna give a crap either way.

no fairytale's picture

Your FH would be crazy to have anything to do with refi on the house. MY H is still on the mortgage from his EX (divorced 10 years) and there is nothing we can do. We even went to a lawyer and they said sorry nothing we can do.
We just bought a new home in November and turns out she was 3 months behind on her mortgage. So, it ended up costing us 50k down to purchase our new home and 10 and a half weeks of dealing with mortgage companies to get a loan.

And all she could say was "sorry"

The EX is the past do not move her into your future!!

Good Luck

Belle1984's picture

Sorry to hear about your experience and this precisely what I am trying to avoid. Temporarily or not, we want nothing to do with it.

stepmomNM's picture

Tell her to go fly a kite. The whole thing is laughable. She must be outta her mind. I personally could not keep my mouth shut!

FWSM1964's picture

even though this post is over 10 years old, it still rings true today.

My partner got divorced from BM earlier this year around the same time that she moved out of province. She still won't re-register the vehicle she drives in the new province nor pay off the outstanding vehicle financing, which are both in my partner's name (asset and debt). 

After they separated, BM needed a car and had poor credit, so they used my partner's credit to buy a car for her use, but in his name. This happened multiple times as he separated in 2006 and BM's most recent car was financed in 2018. My partner's credit rating is damaged because BM pays joint debts late without telling my partner (eg. property taxes on the house they owned together). 

As a result, my partner paid an additional $1,000 in interest on his share of their joint property taxes and bemoaned the fact that he should have helped BM more to prevent her from getting into such a financial mess.  Nothing will help her. In fact the house was just a couple of months shy of being expropriated (taken by the city) for property tax arrears dating back three years when it got sold.

Because BM has so much difficulty financially, my partner let her keep her large pension (50% of which he was entitled) so that she will still have an income of about $40,000 per year after retiring while my partner still works full-time as he has a tiny pension of about $1,000 per year. You would think that she would be grateful, but no, her mouth is open and her hand is out for more!

Still, BM now has the nerve to claims that she is cash-strapped even though the house she purchased was only 1/3 of the price of the house proceeds BM and my partner split and she could have afforded to buy it outright. This time, BM needed $500 to be able to afford to pay her vehicle insurance. What will it be next time?

Alas, my partner's vehicle is still insured on the same policy as BM for the next several days until the current auto insurance term expires so he felt that he must pay her something. He ended up paying her $300 ($150 for one month's of his vehicle payment and $150 for her financial ineptitude).

Yesterday, I firmly told my partner that the gravy train stops here and if he gives her $500, she will continue to hound us with her mouth open and her hand out. I'm getting tired of her financial involvement and can't wait for the cord to be cut. I know what it is like to support a financially inept ex-spouse as I had one myself.

I am still paying child support for children who live with me because it's cheaper to pay my ex $170 a month than to take him back to court for the child support and end up paying the $170 a month for spousal support because he is a financial train wreck. Where do we find these people? Both my ex and my partner's ex are classical hangers on.  

Although my sons fully accept my separation and subsequent divorce, my partner's daughters believe that he left BM in the lurch when she needed him.  They have been separated 15 years and neither daughter wants much to do with him. 

His two sons are close with him and accept the situation; something his daughters will never do.  My children didn't accept it at first either but they were teenagers, and his daughters are both well into their 20's and they want him to return to BM. 

Although it is bittersweet, we are moving on with our lives.