Oh, if it was only that simple. Yes it should work like that
but went the BM is a screaming, yelling, cussing, texting, voicemail,threatening person. Logic goes out the window.

Myself, Bf, and the new SD all look at each other and say it should be easier than this. We talk reasonably and
rationally. But when the BM just does and says what she wants
and doesn't care how it affects her new husband or her kids,
guess what? Nothing can fix that.

You have what I want to have. But you can't fix stupid and ugly.

i'm working on this myself with my daughter, i wont lie, i currently HATE my dd's smom, and the bm i deal with doesn't care too much for me neither

it's a struggle that's for sure

congrats to you!

Great advice.... IF you're dealing with a rational BM. Unfortunately, most of us aren't. I am not even a part of my SO's childrens lives (my choice) and the BM still plays mindf**k games whenever the mood strikes. No rhyme or reason to it. No matter what it is, you can bet I did something to piss her off. Not sure how since I don't even live in the same city. It's ok though. One more kid to go, turning 18 in a few short months. Life will be good. I figure by this point, I may be able to have a peaceful co-existence w/ the kids and will hopefully have a chance to undo some of the BM's lies. I'm not delusional though. I know this will likely not happen. Still, at least both of them being 18+ levels the playing field a bit. Maybe some hidden truths about dear old Mom will help them see the light. }:)

Or when she is an ex stripper with a seventh grade eduaction and three illegitimate children by three different men... it just doesnt work.

Thanks for the advice Alison, I am sure there are plenty of steps on here who can use the words of encouragement.

Of course, not everyone on here has even remotely reasonable situations, and that has made them understandable unhappy, even to the point of being snarky to someone who has managed to make something good. Please don't let that stop you from posting in the future!

I am sure it was not easy to get to the place you are at. How wonderful it must be! But I am in the same boat as most of the sm's here. The bm is a screaming lunatic that has no idea how to have an adult rational conversation.... We have also said many times that it should not be this hard!! If only everyone would put the children first and think of their kids needs before their own....
Thanks for the advice, I will give some of it a try.

I envy you I am both a biomom and a stepmom and I don't understand how some biomoms can't get past their hatred for their former spouses and their new wives. The BM I deal with is totally irrational.

Hey, I am all for low to no contact with psycho BM's/BF's. I'm also for parallel parenting plans when dealing with nasty Bios. It's just not always that easy. This is why having a place like this to vent is awesome. You get to say what you want w/o being told you're being unreasonable (most of the time, lol.) Maybe you could cut some of the people here a little slack and they will do the same in return. After all, walk a mile in another's shoes comes to mind.

Yes, I too am also a BM and tried two years ago to do the, "I am also a mom and do understand" thing and was completely civil with the crazy bit*ch. It did not obviously work. I still refuse to stoop to her level though and some of this is sad actually as it gives all BM's a "bad name", which is not true. We can just see on "both sides of the fence."

I was not looking for kids when I married to play mom with, I was only marrying to be a WIFE- no desire to play mom- I have my own?

It is strange. BM has major insecurities.

Thank goodness I never had any BM drama from either side. I got along nicely with my oldest son's SM. She was terrific. We had no problem at all communicating about the kids. She asked me the first time they were there after she entered the picture about some rule or other and how did I do that in my house. Wow! I told her how I did it, how I didn't expect her to make the boys act any different from the other boys in that house. It was a crazy mix of yours, mine and ours, but she was a damn good mom to all of them and a fine lady. I had my boys give her cards on mother's day. She deserved the notice, too.

As far as skids BMs, I think they were actually more reasonable parents trying to raise responsible children than XBF was! He was the one undermining them and I can now see why he was recycled and both BMs have upgraded considerably.

i like the post:)thought it gave a nice picture of how things could be when people act like grown-ups.It would be impossible for you to put every single struggle you've ever had into this one post just to make others feel better and show you aren't looking down your nose.i WISH bm,sd,and mil would stop trying to roast me over an open fire.I'm currently working on my ignore skills and I hope it works as well for me as it did for you.

BM & SM here as well. Luckily, I have not had to deal with SD's mom for quite some time. She decided if she wan't going to get her way then she didn't want any contact at all. As for my son and his SM...it's all good. I have no issues with her. That is mostly because we treat one another like adults and act like adults. Case in point: son went to visit his dad (who lives hundreds of miles away) for a few weeks one summer...they wanted to get family pics done...and so she asked my son to cut his hair for the pics. He didn't want to. She really pressured him too and in the end she did not get her way. Was it because I stepped in and told her where to go and how to get there??? Nooooo...it is because I left it between her and my son. I know that I raised him well enough to speak up for himself and that is exactly what he did.

Not all people behave this rationally or have the maturity to deal with a situation like this. That is the problem. Jealousy over the "other woman" tends to get in the way, and most moms would have taken the stance, "oh no she didn't just tell MY kid what to do with HIS hair without asking me FIRST!" and go off the deep end. I can see how it happens. It is easy to freak out on someone, it is not so easy to be rational and let things be handled between who it is occurring with and let the chips fall where they may...because you want to step in and handle the situation...we can't do that all the time or what are we teaching these kids?

Yep, that is exactly how it should work. That is how it worked in my wife's home. She was raised from birth by her StepDad. Her BioDad was killed in a car accident before my MIL even know she was pregnant with my wife.

BioDad's extended family just became the extended family of all of my FIL(Step) and MILs kids. My wife's younger sibs considered my wifes Paternal GrandParents no differently than my FILs family and my MILs family.

In the case of a toothless dipshit in the blended family opposition there is not much chance of duplicating your success story as a SM and BM interfacing with your Skids and kids other family.

I have been dad to my SS-18 since he was 1yo. My wife had SS when she was 16. BioDad abandoned my wife and his oldest child in a nasty travel trailer before SS was 1yo to run off with yet another 16yo. He was 23.

Since then BioDad has gone on to a stellar breeding career spawning 4 out-of-wedlock children by three different baby mamas. He abandoned the youngest three on SpermGrandMa and SpermGrandPa's doorstep for them to raise and considers all of the baby mama's to be gold diggers out to take advantage of him and interfere in his life.

I would rather shoot him than think about him and when he and SpermGrandMa are finally in the ground I will make a special trip to piss on their graves.

But, I would much prefer for them to be reasonable adults and have what you have with your kids SM and Skids BM.

In reference to the original post, I can say that I tried with my ex's wife and my husband's wife to befriend them both as I felt it was best for the kids for us all to work together. It worked well with my ex's wife. We nevr had any comflict in 20 years of them being together. I accepted their children, told my kids these were their siblings, they had 2 moms and 2 dads, I never question anything ex's wife did or said concerning the children. It worked great! She finally left my ex for the same reasons he and I divorced. I ahve not spoke to him in years but she nad I are friends on FaceBook. When they divorced I made sure my girls still knew this was their other mom.

Totally different picture on the other side. My husband's ex did not have custody of her boys, I was raising them and I think she felt threatened she was going to lose them. She acted like she owned them and there was no befriending, she made that very clear. Every chance she got she was playing head games and filling the boys' heads with lies and hate. These were very hurt, very angry boys (5 & 7 when we met) who have grown into very hurt, hatefulyoung men 21 years later.

The girls get along fine with their stepdad, stepmom, and even as bad of a person their father is I knew if they ended up hating him for what he did that they would have years of turmoil to deal with so I have always told them, "that is just they way he is, he will never change, you have to accept it." And they have managed a relationship with him to.

The boys are all about bio mom who abandoned them. They have nothing to do with me, their father, or my daughters who were raised in the same household as siblings. Bio mom may have got what she wnated but the boys paid an awful price for her own desires.

It warms my heart to know that there are BMs in the world that are not psychotic shit for brains losers. I really believe your post is admirable and I think it can help those who aren't dealing with the most serious of bitter BMs.

After 10 years of dealing with our BM, I have learned there is no reasoning with an idiot. Some people refuse to be reasonable no matter how hard you try. I've always tried to be supportive and understanding and nuetral. As a step mom, I have been made into an evil villian.

I consider myself a rational mother. I am cordial with my ex and we coordinate all events, holidays and presents. We help each other live life peacefully. It is better for the kids this way. They want to see their parents get along and I like to give that to them.