Advice

Isthisit19's picture

I start therapy soon, to try and over come anxiety and depression. I know at the root of the problem it’s my SS visiting. I don’t even know where to start or how to explain/break it down into something an outsider can understand. Has anyone gone through a similar thing? 

justmakingthebest's picture

When I was married to my 2nd ex... I went to counseling. It was a combo of self, marriage and family. 

My exSS was ODD and ADHD. His father, my ex was an abusive sociopath. It was a fun time. 

Anyway, when I went in, she of course asked "Why are you here today"- I think I just sat on her couch and cried, no words for a solid 20 mins. It was great! God, I needed to do that! Then I told her about all the things that we driving me nuts about SS, how I was becoming afraid of a 6 yr old, how his father encouraged the behavior (Like jumping on the couch to be taller than me and raising his fist to punch me in the face). My situation was a little more extreme than most but I would say start with the facts. I regret not telling her about the rest of the things going on in my house at the time. I kept it to SS thinking that if I could get that aspect under control, the rest would get better and I wouldn't have to get divorced again. Something about being a 2X loser really ate me up. I didn't want to fail twice. I WAS AN IDIOT.

Here is where I would start with your therapist:

What behaviors does SS exhibit that makes you sad, mad, anxious?

What does your DH do about these things?

What are you doing to cope now?

Is there anything positive about yours and SS relationship?

What are the positive things about your marriage?

Letti.R's picture

I did counselling once due to my physcially abusive, hostile exSD.
I was also worried I couldn't put into words what I felt.
How was I going to fill an hour?

I went to see the psychologist with my first consultation and the verbal diarrhea was excessive!!
It all just came out and it felt like I could not stop myself from talking
At all!!
 

My psychologist scheduled new patients at the end of the day, last consultation.
I talked non-stop for TWO hours.
Talking, snot, tears...

Don't stress about it.
A good psychologist will get the information out of you.

Rags's picture

When my first marriage was in it's death spirals I engaged a marriage counselor for my XW and I.  It worked great though it went through a cycle. Initially it improved our relationship significantly .... until.... the Doc initiated the work on our issues with intimacy.  There was almost zero within the context of our marriage though she was shopping her cavern crotched adulterous pooty out to every swinging Johnson she could lay hands on for nearly our entire marriage.

At that moment she stood up, announced that she did not have a problem with sex, and walked out of session never to return.  I kept seeing the Doc for a few more months.  She was integral to me restoring contact with the person I like being and putting that nightmare of a 2.5 years behind me.  During my last session she told me that I was fine and that I was welcome to continue working with her but that she felt it was time for me to step out and get on with my life.   She also commented that the man I was 9mos before, the sullen, burdened man was not the confident, energetic, dynamic man with a "childlike zest for life" that I had reconnected with.  So off I went and I never looked back. I finished college, grad school, been married to the light of my life for nearly 25 years, raised a man of character, honor and standing together (SS-26 who I adopted at his request when he was 22) developed a life and two successful careers together.  

My XW has since had three out of wedlock children by two baby daddies, divorced her 2nd DH who she cheated with while she and I were married. He is the donor for her two eldest.  She cheated on him with the donor who became her third DH and had that spawn out of wedlock as well.

Therapy helped me immensely and did nothing for her.  Get the help you need. Find the Isthisit19 you like being.  Don't worry about how to formulate the words. Just start venting and let the Pro guide the process.  If your therapist is worth a crap the process will work.  If not... fire them and find one that is worth a crap.

Take care of you and enjoy the journey.